I've thought about this long and hard, actually, for decades now. Writing my story. A few of you on here thought I should but I've had some reservations about it. I've started quite often but couldn't handle it. But I think I have an idea now that might get me through it. I think I'm going to just talk to you - the members here. Just have a conversation. I'm not looking for you to critique it but just read along and do what you want with it. Keep it to yourself. Share it with someone. Think it about it. Condemn me. Praise me. Whatever. I just hope it causes you think and feel something that produces something good. I want to do it this way because I don't if I'll be able to finish it or if theres even an end. Sometimes it may seem like I'm just rambling. Other times I might even seem eloquent. I'll probably go back and forth from past to present. I won't remember everything in neat chronological order but I'll write it down as I remember before I lose it.
I'll start out with what sort of nudged me to do this. Last month I think it was somebody had started a thread under "Ever thought about publishing your life's story?" And here was my initial response:
Actually I've pondered this long and hard and even. I've even placed pen to paper and started writing many a time after hearing people tell me numerous times you should write your story. I usually give up. I have to ask myself why I'm writing. What or whose benefit does it serve? I don't want it to simply be soul purging, which I've done enough of already during some 'professionals' attempt to aid me in overcoming PTSD. Even at the mature age of 45 some things still cause great pain. Writing seems to waken those ghosts, horrors and atrocities. I mean who really wants to hear about sick, demented and twisted things being done to a child and the descent into madness it led them down? Forsaken and forgotten. Tormented. Unforgiven. Who needs to know about the cruelty humans can perpetrate upon one another and the way that sears your soul? As others look upon me now they think wow hes really got it going for himself. Healthy, smart, funny, charming, etc.. Do others really need to know that yeah though I walked through the valley of death and feared the evil that pursued me that there is redemption? Maybe in writing I'll actually find that redemption and if not at least others might find it by girding themselves with the comfort that others lived to tell the tale."
Then somebody responded that they thought it might do others good and perhaps purge my soul. My response was this:
"I struggle with that. I think there is healing but I have so built up this image of the fearless warrior who will back down from no man. Cut off my right arm and I'll transform my left into a rapier and jab you into oblivion. In my vulnerability, ie..penning my thoughts, I feel like I revert back to that time of darkness and start to feel a loss of control - humiliation, shame, pain, indignation and rage. But of all these feelings, rage has been both friend and foe. Rage has kept me from wallowing in self pity. Rage has infused my spirit to conquer my opponents. Rage has kept me from tapping or listening for the count to reach 10 for it all to be blissfully over. Rage has brought me to my feet and told you to bring it on because I'm still here. And even now as I delve into the bbing world rage fuels my workouts, compelling me to view the weights with indignation as I am flesh and blood and it but mere metal. I will not be bested by it. But rage has also stolen from me. Stolen my peace that I so desperately seek."
And so here we go.........
Thread: O/T Once upon a time......