O/T Once upon a time......

[blw_redone]

I've thought about this long and hard, actually, for decades now. Writing my story. A few of you on here thought I should but I've had some reservations about it. I've started quite often but couldn't handle it. But I think I have an idea now that might get me through it. I think I'm going to just talk to you - the members here. Just have a conversation. I'm not looking for you to critique it but just read along and do what you want with it. Keep it to yourself. Share it with someone. Think it about it. Condemn me. Praise me. Whatever. I just hope it causes you think and feel something that produces something good. I want to do it this way because I don't if I'll be able to finish it or if theres even an end. Sometimes it may seem like I'm just rambling. Other times I might even seem eloquent. I'll probably go back and forth from past to present. I won't remember everything in neat chronological order but I'll write it down as I remember before I lose it.

I'll start out with what sort of nudged me to do this. Last month I think it was somebody had started a thread under "Ever thought about publishing your life's story?" And here was my initial response:
Actually I've pondered this long and hard and even. I've even placed pen to paper and started writing many a time after hearing people tell me numerous times you should write your story. I usually give up. I have to ask myself why I'm writing. What or whose benefit does it serve? I don't want it to simply be soul purging, which I've done enough of already during some 'professionals' attempt to aid me in overcoming PTSD. Even at the mature age of 45 some things still cause great pain. Writing seems to waken those ghosts, horrors and atrocities. I mean who really wants to hear about sick, demented and twisted things being done to a child and the descent into madness it led them down? Forsaken and forgotten. Tormented. Unforgiven. Who needs to know about the cruelty humans can perpetrate upon one another and the way that sears your soul? As others look upon me now they think wow hes really got it going for himself. Healthy, smart, funny, charming, etc.. Do others really need to know that yeah though I walked through the valley of death and feared the evil that pursued me that there is redemption? Maybe in writing I'll actually find that redemption and if not at least others might find it by girding themselves with the comfort that others lived to tell the tale."

Then somebody responded that they thought it might do others good and perhaps purge my soul. My response was this:

"I struggle with that. I think there is healing but I have so built up this image of the fearless warrior who will back down from no man. Cut off my right arm and I'll transform my left into a rapier and jab you into oblivion. In my vulnerability, ie..penning my thoughts, I feel like I revert back to that time of darkness and start to feel a loss of control - humiliation, shame, pain, indignation and rage. But of all these feelings, rage has been both friend and foe. Rage has kept me from wallowing in self pity. Rage has infused my spirit to conquer my opponents. Rage has kept me from tapping or listening for the count to reach 10 for it all to be blissfully over. Rage has brought me to my feet and told you to bring it on because I'm still here. And even now as I delve into the bbing world rage fuels my workouts, compelling me to view the weights with indignation as I am flesh and blood and it but mere metal. I will not be bested by it. But rage has also stolen from me. Stolen my peace that I so desperately seek."

And so here we go.........

[blw_redone]

I was born in Seoul, S Korea, the byproduct of an American GI and a Korean mother just trying to support herself. When he left I guess she was unable to take care of me and took me to the orphange. At 2 yrs old I was adopted by white American parents. My father was in the Air Force and my mother a devout christian woman.

My earliest memory is of being locked out of the house in my turquoise superhero Aquaman pajamas. You know the kind with the feet fully enclosed and and pads on the feet. Its gray, windy and cold outside and I'm knocking and crying for mom to let me back. I must have been about 4 yrs old. She won't let me in because I've been bad.

Around 5 yr old my dad got stationed at an airforce base in west Texas. I can remember my first beating about this time. I don't remember all the specifics but I do remember blood having that strange coppery smell. My mother was swinging at me with something and me raising my hands to fend it off and then the blood running down me. To this day I have this big scar running along the tip of my chin from that. Later on I would be involved in boxing and other various martial arts but I never had to be taken to the hospital to be stitched up like 3 or 4 times I had to be from my mothers beatings. I always had to agree with the story that I had fell down. She scared me more than any foe I have had since then.

I don't know why she beat me, no, I do know why she said she beat me. She said I was the devil's child and that I had to be beat regularly to keep the evil out of me. Besides she said it would be better that I had never been born than to be so wicked. How could I have been such an evil person? All this she did in the name of Jesus.

Sometimes the beating was so bad I would make a run for it and run out of the house. I tried and run to the neighbor's house where I pounded on the door. To this day I remember them peeking out the window and not opening the door for me.

My mother had deviced tools or whips to use on me when administering the beatings. She made special attention to my arms which she would flail relentlessly. She said she left marks so other kids at school could see how bad I was.

I remember when I was bad she used to make me get on my hands and knees in front of her and she would strangle me until I passed out. Then she would revive me and hug me and try to make it better. Sometimes when I was in the bath she would hold my head under the water for a long time.

During the time of most of my severe beatings my father was overseas. My mother was working two jobs so I guess she was pretty stressed out. During the summers she would lock me and my sister in our room while she slept with nothing to eat or drink. I liked it better when she locked us up in our screened in porch because thats where the dogs were and we at least got to drink their water. She didn't want us in the house because she didn't want us getting into stuff. One time I had tried to get something to eat and had spilled sugar all over the floor. That was one of my worst beatings. She resolved further issues by locking us up. She didn't beat my sister like she beat me. I guess she thought because I was a boy I could take it more. I don't know. Never figured that out.

My mother was a devout Church of Christ member but my father kind of just tagged along. We were required to be in church on Sunday mornings and evenings and also Wednesdays. I remember hearing a sermon and lots of people going to the front and being saved. Some of my peers went up and got baptized. My mom went on and on about them. I wanted her to be proud of me and besides if I get baptized then Jesus would protect me wouldn't He? I went and got baptized at the age of 12 I believe. She was so proud of me and loved on me like never before. I thought Jesus does save. He will protect me. This lasted for a week before the beatings resumed. I lost my faith. I've regained a portion of it but I still have an ongoing war with God to this day.

Around 9 years of age. I'm not sure but I was old enough to read 'harmful or fatal if swallowed.' I decided to go and be with Jesus. I couldn't take it anymore. The constant living in fear. The nightmares. The other degradations. The kids who told me to go back to where I came from. I swallowed a whole bottle of cement glue. My mother found me incoherent and lethargic and rushed me to the emergency room. After they had pumped my stomach and got me stabilized the doctor questioned me as to why. But my mother was standing right there and I was too scared to say why. They just sent me back home. I pretty much knew that I had no saviour then.

It wasn't just the beatings. It was the constant screaming at me and other degradations. I used to have to wear special shoes because my feet wanted to turn outward. Even after I had outgrown them she still made me walk up and the hallway endlessly in them even though they hurt so bad. She said I was abnormal and not any better than the retarded people she took care of at the State School.

I was not allowed to get up after going to bed to use the bathroom. I used to climb out the window until she caught me and nailed it shut. I then started going inside my closet in the corner. Please don't make fun of me. I didn't know what else to do. When then smell became apparent and where it was coming from I paid dearly for it.

She had this weird obsession about me sleeping with my mouth open. If she caught me with my mouth open when I was sleeping she would come in there and slap me across the face. I still have a hard time sleeping I think. The nightmares started around that time. I can remember two dreams distinctly that I had repeatedly. One was I am running and something is chasing me. Something dark and formless. I keep falling down until it finally catches up to me, at which I wake up drenched in sweat and screaming. The other dream is I am somewheres up very high and I simply jump off into oblivion. The funny thing about this is I always wake up on top of my sheets.

I remember she didn't like my hair at all because it stuck up alot. I'm half Korean and so my hair is very thick. She chose to cut it military regulation. She asked the barber how she could train my hair because she had tried gooping it up with all kinds of grease and what not. He was a black guy and he suggested a stocking to tame it down. She made me wear that and I even had to wear it outside around other kids. This is not what started the other kids to tormenting me but it certainly didn't help. I guess I'll start on that next time.....

[ntrllftr]

Just proves my point that there is NO god and MOST church goers
are hypocrites.

Too bad Johnstown is closed, she would fit in perfectly there.

EDIT: Jonestown Must bee all the drugs I'm on due to this freakin cold.

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[cgc]

Man, no disrespect at all....but I would love to read that, but ADD sucks...

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[blw_redone]

Man, no disrespect at all....but I would love to read that, but ADD sucks...

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Ouch!! I actually am ADD...lol. I'm just writing as it comes to my mind instead of trying to be all perfect about it so it comes out eloquently. I've tried eloquence and I usually just give up because it doesn't sound right. Call this a regurgitation I guess. Just noticed you were into MMA. Maybe I can be less ADD and we could have a chat about that sometime. MMA helped vent some of my rage. I kind of feel an affinity with Jens Pulver if you know anything about his background.

[cgc]

Ouch!! I actually am ADD...lol. I'm just writing as it comes to my mind instead of trying to be all perfect about it so it comes out eloquently. I've tried eloquence and I usually just give up because it doesn't sound right. Call this a regurgitation I guess. Just noticed you were into MMA. Maybe I can be less ADD and we could have a chat about that sometime. MMA helped vent some of my rage. I kind of feel an affinity with Jens Pulver if you know anything about his background.

No, no, no.....I was actually pointing the finger at myself and the ability I lack at staying focused in reading something that long....lol
No offence towards you at all.

I'm cool with talking MMA at any point. Love the sport. I know only a little about Jen's background...but he seems like a character to say the very least...heh.

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[dbx]

Just proves my point that there is NO god and MOST church goers
are hypocrites.

I can't let it go . To me, it is arrogant to so strongly aver that there is or that there isn't a GOD. I spent many years of my life enjoying arguing that God is a man made idea. But I finally realized....it made me no different than those who advocate the opposite.

As far as most church goers; we're all hypocrites. And I'd agree that when folding yourself up in the cloth of a church or religion, that it makes hypocrisy much more vile somehow. So the statement that most church goers are hypocrites is really no different than saying most church goers are people.

Too bad Johnstown is closed, she would fit in perfectly there.

And I'm thinking you meant Jonestown...as in, Jim Jones?

[SP1966]

I can't let it go . To me, it is arrogant to so strongly aver that there is or that there isn't a GOD. I spent many years of my life enjoying arguing that God is a man made idea. But I finally realized....it made me no different than those who advocate the opposite.

As far as most church goers; we're all hypocrites. And I'd agree that when folding yourself up in the cloth of a church or religion, that it makes hypocrisy much more vile somehow. So the statement that most church goers are hypocrites is really no different than saying most church goers are people.



And I'm thinking you meant Jonestown...as in, Jim Jones?

No Johnstown is where you car goes to have it's windows busted out...

[gbg]

I can't let it go . To me, it is arrogant to so strongly aver that there is or that there isn't a GOD. I spent many years of my life enjoying arguing that God is a man made idea. But I finally realized....it made me no different than those who advocate the opposite.

As far as most church goers; we're all hypocrites. And I'd agree that when folding yourself up in the cloth of a church or religion, that it makes hypocrisy much more vile somehow. So the statement that most church goers are hypocrites is really no different than saying most church goers are people.



And I'm thinking you meant Jonestown...as in, Jim Jones?

Hello people!!! can you stop arguing for a minute! this isn't about you and what you believe, did you read his horrific story???? just stop.

[ntrllftr]

I can't let it go . To me, it is arrogant to so strongly aver that there is or that there isn't a GOD. I spent many years of my life enjoying arguing that God is a man made idea. But I finally realized....it made me no different than those who advocate the opposite.

As far as most church goers; we're all hypocrites. And I'd agree that when folding yourself up in the cloth of a church or religion, that it makes hypocrisy much more vile somehow. So the statement that most church goers are hypocrites is really no different than saying most church goers are people.



And I'm thinking you meant Jonestown...as in, Jim Jones?

I am not going to get into a heated argument over what I believe.
I say it and thats that.


Yes you have corrected me once again.
Dang I hate it when you do that to me.




I did fix it though.
.

[EMISGOD]

Hello people!!! can you stop arguing for a minute! this isn't about you and what you believe, did you read his horrific story???? just stop.

Co-signed...must needs there be bickering in every thread?

[ntrllftr]

No Johnstown is where you car goes to have it's windows busted out...

Now that is funny as all hell.
if there is a hell,

Hello people!!! can you stop arguing for a minute! this isn't about you and what you believe, did you read his horrific story???? just stop.

No we are not arguing. everything is cool .

[gbg]

Now that is funny as all hell.
if there is a hell,



No we are not arguing. everything is cool .

don't understand how after reading a story like that it can just be overlooked.
The insensitivity in mind blowing to me

[dbx]

No we are not arguing. everything is cool .

What the heck is she talking about

[gbg]

Co-signed...must needs there be bickering in every thread?

ahhh...... a breath of fresh air thanks EM!

[dbx]

The insensitivity in mind blowing to me

He didn't write it "crying out", he simply wanted to put into words some things he wanted to share. Didn't you read his preface?

[ntrllftr]

don't understand how after reading a story like that it can just be overlooked.
The insensitivity in mind blowing to me

insensitive? It was a my nice way of saying she was a piece of **** and should have been strung up by her pinky toes, beaten , stoned and starved to death.
Worthless people that harm children are SCUM!!!!!!

Is that better?

[dbx]

insensitive? It was a my nice way of saying she was a piece of **** and should have been strung up by her pinky toes, beaten , stoned and starved to death.
Worthless people that harm children are SCUM!!!!!!

Is that better?

And then I was kinda pointing out that although he wrote things like. "I realized there was no savior", that it didn't necessarily mean he meant that in terms of his present thinking, so I was kinda/sorta being cautionary will Carl. You know, my good pal, Carl?

Is this better, oh scolding one?

[gbg]

insensitive? It was a my nice way of saying she was a piece of **** and should have been strung up by her pinky toes, beaten , stoned and starved to death.
Worthless people that harm children are SCUM!!!!!!

Is that better?

I wasn't referring to you babe! sorry but his story really is sad and after I read it was totally speechless and to see someone totally disregard it with an opinion on something not relevant really pissed me off and surprised me.

[rpaul11]

now back to our regularly scheduled programming.

BLW....until what age did you stay with them? Are you ever still in contact? Just curious.

[ntrllftr]

And then I was kinda pointing out that although he wrote things like. "I realized there was no savior", that it didn't necessarily mean he meant that in terms of his present thinking, so I was kinda/sorta being cautionary will Carl. You know, my good pal, Carl?

Is this better, oh scolding one?

I picked up on that as well.
Maybe subconciously thats why i wrote what i did.

I wasn't referring to you babe! sorry but his story really is sad and after I read it was totally speechless and to see someone totally disregard it with an opinion on something not relevant really pissed me off and surprised me.

You can never make me mad. You are my e-hunny.

[blw_redone]

Actually I am humbled by your responses. I have no preconceived notion as to how what I write will effect you or not. If it causes discussion of any type then I guess some good has been wrought. No I am not crying out. At least I don't think I am although I do confess to be something of a lost soul. Its as though I've lost my way and I simply want to find my way back home. I don't know if I ever felt the feeling of 'home.' Maybe I can kind of tag along and one of you might show me the way.

I know it is a sad and maybe even pathetic thing that at the age of 45 those things still hurt me. No I'm not living in that moment but it still echoes deep in my soul. I've never really come to terms as to the why? I've asked God and the church but have found no solace. My only solace thus far is in the compassion and empathy that dwells within me and the desire to help others. I'm not sure how good I am at it but ironically even though I am very distrusting I really do love my fellow man and I just wish we could all be a little kinder and a little less selfish including myself.

[blw_redone]

now back to our regularly scheduled programming.

BLW....until what age did you stay with them? Are you ever still in contact? Just curious.

My father passed away about 9 years ago. I am still in contact with my mother. I forgive her. I really do. I have to or I am condemned to a life of hate which will make self-destruct thru rotting of my soul. I love her even in a way. Or maybe its just that I feel sorry for her. I don't have that bond with her every child should have with their parent. I check in on her but I feel very little. Sometimes I'm even sad about that. I know she tries. Shes mostly a good woman now. Even a good mother. She really wants the best for me. Ironically I harbored more resentment to my father because I thought he was impotent and did not stand up for me and put a stop to what was happening to me. But he too had a bad temper although it was mostly shouting and criticizing me for being such a weak boy.

[gbg]

Actually I am humbled by your responses. I have no preconceived notion as to how what I write will effect you or not. If it causes discussion of any type then I guess some good has been wrought. No I am not crying out. At least I don't think I am although I do confess to be something of a lost soul. Its as though I've lost my way and I simply want to find my way back home. I don't know if I ever felt the feeling of 'home.' Maybe I can kind of tag along and one of you might show me the way.

I know it is a sad and maybe even pathetic thing that at the age of 45 those things still hurt me. No I'm not living in that moment but it still echoes deep in my soul. I've never really come to terms as to the why? I've asked God and the church but have found no solace. My only solace thus far is in the compassion and empathy that dwells within me and the desire to help others. I'm not sure how good I am at it but ironically even though I am very distrusting I really do love my fellow man and I just wish we could all be a little kinder and a little less selfish including myself.

I don't think it's sad or pathetic in the least I don't know how one forgets such a thing.The fact that you want to help others is admirable.

[dbx]

Its as though I've lost my way and I simply want to find my way back home. I don't know if I ever felt the feeling of 'home.' Maybe I can kind of tag along and one of you might show me the way.

Hey, we can try, but I don't think this is the best place, you know? At least you have a sense of what "home" might be, and are striving to find it. I think you'll find that it is what you make it in the end. Most of us are largely who we are because of the people who raised us. But in your case, you've had to try to find another path. You will find it, eventually.

I know it is a sad and maybe even pathetic thing that at the age of 45 those things still hurt me. No I'm not living in that moment but it still echoes deep in my soul. I've never really come to terms as to the why?

I don't think any apology of "why" it still hurts is necessary. I hope not. You upbringing wouldn't be forgotten by anyone human.

I'm not sure how good I am at it but ironically even though I am very distrusting I really do love my fellow man and I just wish we could all be a little kinder and a little less selfish including myself.

You are likely, and almost certainly, a "people pleaser". Nothing wrong with that at all, but it can also come at a price...in that people can take advantage of your desire to please. I'm out of time atm............

[ntrllftr]

Hey, we can try, but I don't think this is the best place, you know?

Especially when you have people on here that are as F'ed up like me.

HAve you looked for a support forum or something. Just like what dbx said you are gonna get idiots like me posting.


.

[ntrllftr]

Hey, we can try, but I don't think this is the best place, you know?

Especially when you have people on here that are as F'ed up like me.

Have you looked for a support forum or something? Just like what dbx said you are gonna get idiots like me posting.


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[SP1966]

Especially when you have people on here that are as F'ed up like me.

Have you looked for a support forum or something. Just like what dbx said you are gonna get idiots like me posting.


.

You can say that again Carl... Oh wait, you did!

Sorry Chuck it is my weakness!!

[gbg]

Especially when you have people on here that are as F'ed up like me.

Have you looked for a support forum or something. Just like what dbx said you are gonna get idiots like me posting.


.

why do you say that??

if you say it enough your gonna start to believe it.... TM

[blw_redone]

The cruelty of children. Growing up as half Korean in the 70s in a military based town was hell for me. This is pretty much during the aftermath of the Vietnam war with anti-asian sentiment prevalent in society. Don't laugh but I didn't even know i was adopted for the longest time during my elementary school years. I would go to school and kids would make fun of me. You know the classic push up the corners of your eyes and ching chang chinaman thing. Go back where you came from. If not we're going to beat you up after school. Everyday for the longest I knew after school they were waiting for me. I ran as fast as I could. We asians are not known for our great sprinting abilities...lol...and they always caught me. If not they just threw rocks at me. Remember the movie 'Forest Gump?' The scene where hes running from the kids from school and Jenny is yelling,"Run Forest run." I just busted out crying and still do whenever I watch that movie because thats me.

My mother always told me the christian thing to do was turn the other cheek and don't fight back. So I just ran. I played the viola so I'd strap the case of it to my back to protect me from the rocks they would throw at me. Most of the time they caught me. I'd get all dirty and they'd tear my clothes. Then I had to go home and face my mother who would drill me as to whether I fought back or not. When I said I didn't she would not believe me because of the condition of my clothes and then beat me for it.

Funny thing but because I didn't know I was adopted, when the kids would make fun of my eyes I thought I was deformed. I didn't look like them or my parents so I thought I was deformed. I knew this kid in school who wore what we called at the time 'coke-bottle' glasses. They made his eyes just bug out. I remember I would be out at the playground and I would find me a place to sit and just stare at the sun because I remember in one of my classes they had said if you stared at the sun it would damage your eyes. The way I figured it if I stared enough I would have to have a pair of 'coke-bottle' glasses and they would make my eyes bigger. Thank goodness for contact lenses now huh....lol!

I think the thing that hurt me most is the day I decided to run away in elementary school. I remember they had been tormenting me in class and talking about what they were going to do to me after school. I finally asked what could I do to make them stop or what did they want from me. They said we don't want you here. So they devised a plan for me to help me run away. We were outside during P.E. and they were going to roll the kick ball across the street to where the park was and I was to run across and get it. I ran to get it but kept on running. There was a creek that ran through so I just ran along there for awhile. I remember the principal coming for me and callling out my name. I finally got tired and just gave up. He took me home to my dad. Dad said he had to tell my mom he punished me for it or I know what would happen. So he swatted me a few times. I loved him that day. I thought he would always save me. But that was not to be.