Running uphill to my goals :)

[top_5_percent]

I am seriously so disgusted with myself. I have been off track for so long now. I don't even want to think about how long it is. And I have had these incredible binges which I'm sure no one would believe I could eat that many calories. I haven't been so fat in a long time and I can't bare my reflection in the mirror at the moment. And its not at all like I am wondering why I am fat... I know! I absolutely know. Anyway this can't go on because I am sick of hating myself. I know how to do things properly and how to achieve my goals.

I need to leave my comfort zone of wearing baggy clothes and eating junk when I'm alone and drinking on weekends. I need to make changes because if I don't change it will just lead to more dissappointment and this is really hurting my self esteem alot. It is affecting every single aspect of my life my study, my social life, time with family. I'm always angry because I am so disgusted and repulsed with myself.

Well no more. I need to set some goals and be serious about them. I have had a journal before but this is my new one because hopefully this is a new start for me. I want it more than I have ever before. I can't believe how far behind I have fallen But I will work and work bloody hard to get back where I want to be.

[gecko...]

Good on you for recognising its time to change. More power to you and I wish you well in your journey.

Have fun with it!

[Mrsstanpoe]

Hang in there! Everyone falls off the wagon at some point in their life, you ARE human!!!!!

You know what you did wrong, YOU have control so YOU can change it!

Good luck!

[top_5_percent]

I feel so great today which is such a change. I haven't felt this good in god knows how long. Diet has been absolutely perfect (huge accomplishment for me) and I am starting to feel back in control.

Had an AWESOME spin class. Such a great workout and it was really fun too! Deffinately looked like I had been swimming in my clothes haha. I didn't weight train today.... which I am not going to get upset about. I did back (first time) and light legs last night which I enjoyed. I don't know why i was so weird about training back.... but I think I am going to love it. Training a heavy leg day tomorrow. I am just going to get back on my plan and I can't wait.

Deffinately going to try and keep the cardio to 5x a week max. This is hard for me because I really enjoy it.... but it does make me want to binge eat especially if I do it in the morning. So.... hoping to do most of my weight training in the morning and my cardio at night. I think it really is just about getting into the routine for me. I need to get control of my sleep cycles too. Cos I aint nice when I am tired.

Not to mention, I have had some assignments due which I finished. No more last minute stuff for me, no more procrastinating. I really need to spend time on my education and I actually really want to because its a horrible feeling, feeling left behind. This weekend will be a huge catch up for me and I am actually looking forward to it.

I have this quote book in my room which has a different one for each day and todays was "very often a change of self is needed more than a change of scene" which I thought was perfect as I am making such an effort to change myself..... and an effort which I know will be well worth it.

God I am so happy today So tomorrow I will have an insane leg workout and my diet will be perfecto. I can't wait!

[Tishalicious]

I feel so great today which is such a change. I haven't felt this good in god knows how long. Diet has been absolutely perfect (huge accomplishment for me) and I am starting to feel back in control.

Had an AWESOME spin class. Such a great workout and it was really fun too! Deffinately looked like I had been swimming in my clothes haha. I didn't weight train today.... which I am not going to get upset about. I did back (first time) and light legs last night which I enjoyed. I don't know why i was so weird about training back.... but I think I am going to love it. Training a heavy leg day tomorrow. I am just going to get back on my plan and I can't wait.

Deffinately going to try and keep the cardio to 5x a week max. This is hard for me because I really enjoy it.... but it does make me want to binge eat especially if I do it in the morning. So.... hoping to do most of my weight training in the morning and my cardio at night. I think it really is just about getting into the routine for me. I need to get control of my sleep cycles too. Cos I aint nice when I am tired.

Not to mention, I have had some assignments due which I finished. No more last minute stuff for me, no more procrastinating. I really need to spend time on my education and I actually really want to because its a horrible feeling, feeling left behind. This weekend will be a huge catch up for me and I am actually looking forward to it.

I have this quote book in my room which has a different one for each day and todays was "very often a change of self is needed more than a change of scene" which I thought was perfect as I am making such an effort to change myself..... and an effort which I know will be well worth it.

God I am so happy today So tomorrow I will have an insane leg workout and my diet will be perfecto. I can't wait!

No! No! No! to the goal of perfection.

Babe, you'll never reach it, we are mere mortals! you'll get down and frustrated with yourself.

Aim at being a little better each day and you'll get there.

::hugs::

[Mrsstanpoe]

GREAT JOB STAYING POSITIVE!!! That my dear is the key! You are in control of YOUR body! You can do it, we are all here to support you!
Smiles!

[top_5_percent]

thanks for your support girls yeah i know perfect is not really achievable but when I stick to my diet its a perfect day for me and not beatable, when I go off the rails its seriously like an extra good 5000 calories.

But today has been great too, diet has been on track and had some really good workouts. Went for a beautiful run along the beach and also trained chest and triceps tonight. Was planning on legs but just wasn't in the mood, going to swap them to tomorrow and not do cardio tomorrow. I REALLY enjoyed my workout tonight and now that I think back on the day, I wouldn't have changed anything, which is a great feeling.... haha but my future tonight will be spent doing school work!!! No more procrastinating.

I absolutely love the feeling of keeping everything under control because I really do spend most of my life off the rails. I'm nervous about this weekend. I hope I don't go out drinking.... which will lead to binge eating on junk, smoking, being so hungover the next day im not able to do anything and not being able to workout. Not worth it. I hope I don't make an impulsive decision I regret!

[jess_muscles]

the tougher the journey, the more rewarding the destination.
i love that quote.

if it was easy to achieve the goals we set, without stuff-ups and hardship along the way, we wouldn't learn and grow as humans.

enjoy the ride...the good and the bad

[top_5_percent]

Ok. Today's goals are

* Finish my law assignment
* Study for tomorrow's exam
*Train biceps and shoulders (this will be an insane workout and I am excited about it)
* Spin class this afternoon
* Have a lovely bath

I am about to train now and that law assignment that has been on my to do list for like 6 weeks! So today is the day that it will be finished. And of course I will not binge eat

[ChicagoChef]

Believe me, I *know* how rough the binge eating can be... I've been doing it all week!

Anyway, sounds like you're off to a good start to getting back on track. Stay focused and good luck!

[top_5_percent]

woohooo just had the best bicep/shoulder workout and loved it. I am trying to eat right now and its difficult to bring the spoon to my mouth haha. Oh I love this feeling! It's about time too, biceps and shoulders were shrinking before my eyes. I don't know how I forgot how much I love training..... but thank god I have come to the realisation that its the best feeling ever

Now onto my assignment

[top_5_percent]

Today has been awesome so far. I woke up with a big smile on my face... major bicep DOMS!! God I love the feeling. I'm taking the day off weights today though and just going to do some cardio. I think I will run along the beach, its such a beautiful day. I am in such a great mood today and just feel lucky to be alive.

Anyway I woke up at 6 and did a 45min fasted walk whilst I was studying. It's the best multi tasking idea I have ever come up with and I think it really helped! I did really well on my exam... so thats a relief.... now I have to focus on Wednesdays exam.

Diet has been great so far today, although it is only just after lunch. I know I can keep my diet in check for the rest of the day though because I WANT THIS SO BAD!

Tomorrow I have the day off so I am going to train legs and back. My favourites... can't wait

[LaMont.]

Just wanted to say I really relate to what's going on with you. I just moved over to a new state, and working out became a low priority with getting to know the city, going to faculty meetings, and settling in general. Luckily my apartment has a free gym not 300 feet away from me, so yesterday I finally started up again. My gym isn't as nice as the one back home, but instead of letting that get me down (or procrastinate by looking for other gyms), I just adapted to the best of my ability while I think of new ways to do leg exercises and such.

I'm on the same brainwave with you on education too. When I'm done typing this, I think I'm going to read some linguistic chapters that aren't needed until Wednesday. I'm getting tired of the cramming lifestyle, even though it's suited me in the past.

[top_5_percent]

I ended up going for a run (pretty slack one) but it was nice and also did a spin class. I noticed that I am absolutely wanting to binge eat so bad right now and yesterday I didn't have the temptations and I didn't do any cardio. I will try and stay off the cardio tomorrow and see if I can see a pattern here.

I actually felt guilty for eating so much fruit today but I guess its a hell of a lot better than my usual 5000 calorie binges.

I am starting to record myself on webcam each day as motivation which actually has really been helping me. When I want to head to that kitchen I just watch one of my videos

[top_5_percent]

Last night I went to bed at 10pm and by 12:30 I was still rolling around awake! I hate not being able to sleep and I had been up since 6am so I actually was tired. So yes.... I binged Silly silly me. Made me feel gross of course.

But on track once again... its 10pm now and diet has been great today. Also trained legs which was fun. I have no cravings at all and I haven't done any cardio today. I really think the cardio just pushes me over the edge. So going to try really hard to keep it to about 3 times a week.

Oh my goodness. I finished my law assignment tonight and its not due till Thursday! This is seriously the first time I have finished an assignment a day before its due. It's a good feeling too. Feels like a bit of a weight has been lifted of my shoulders. God so much going on at school though. I have a bloody exam tomorrow also which I am trying not to worry about.

I am going to go on a fasted morning walk whilst I go over my notes for the exam.

I am actually not worried about me binge eating for the rest of the night as I just DON't feel like it. A bit of a weird feeling for me. I will try and lay off the cardio tomoz apart from my walk and see if it helps!

[dindysport]

good luck and just keep your goals in front of you...

[top_5_percent]

Had a pretty big week at school this week. Will be getting some results back next week which will be interesting! Fingers crossed I did okay. Tomorrow is a public holiday... leading into the weekend. yay. Going to spend some serious time studying as I have not been putting in anywhere near the time I need to be.

Diet has been on track today and I trained chest and triceps. Thismorning I woke up late and missed having my coffee before class and I seriously may of well as stayed in bed. I jus can't function without my morning caffeine. Is this normal? I just can't understand how some people can go without coffee. It's my saviour..... I wouldn't dream of having a workout without a couple of shots.

[top_5_percent]

Went for a fasted walk thismorning which I enjoyed and also trained back and biceps. It was a GREAT workout. Back is def fun, how could I have missed out on so much fun in the past haha. I can't wait to see the results from training back in a couple of months. Pretty sure it will help me with my other lifts as well. I think it will be nice to have a well proportioned body. And I can't wait until I can do unassisted pullups! That will be like a huge achievement! How exciting.

Diet has been on track today. Hopefully i can do some more study and go to bed and sleep. Sleeping has been a problem lately. Takes me at least 2 hours of rolling around to sleep even when I am really tired.

So tomorrow I think I will hit my legs and shoulders and do my fasted walk. It's really hard staying of the high intensity cardio for me but it makes me binge cravings a million times worse! So keeping cardio to 3 x a week max hopefully! But the best thing is that I am LOVING the weights at the moment. Its been a while since I have actually looked forward to doing them but while I am working out I always think wow, i am so lucky to be able to workout and to have the knowledge to workout properly. haha so I am really greatful that I can hit the iron hard haha. YAY about time!

[top_5_percent]

Day has gone well. Diet has been great and I did a spin class and also trained legs and shoulders.

Except I have a really bad headache and I never usually get headaches. I'm not sure if its from starting at a computer and books all day and night or it might even be sugar withdrawals. I don't know but i hate it. I have an exam tomorrow so I will be up for many more hours staring at books.

I was talking to my friend last night and she was talking about visualisation when trying to achieve goals and i have really been working on this and its actually really helping. I imagine that I have already achieved all the goals I have set and it makes me feel really good. So I am going to do that every day. Except it made me have a terrible sleep cos I couldnt stop thinking about it.

But anyway, I actually haven't had bad binge cravings today which is weird but its GREAT! I did get in a really bad mood at one point today for no reason and yelled at my family pretty bad. Hmmmm anger is something that needs to be worked on........! I can't wait until tomorrow is over.

[IzzyJ]

I get in a bit of a "mood" when i change my eating patterns too. are you having cheat meals? you'll hear so many different views on cheat meals but i think they're ok if you don't go over board.

Are you getting enough water? You could be getting headaches from dehydration without even knowing it, especially if your busy concentrating. Plus staring at you comp and books a lot of the time.

good luck with your exam!

[top_5_percent]

I barely had any sleep last night and I have a massive headache today Anyway I did my exam. It went pretty well. Pretty sure I passed which is good.

I'm about to go to bed. It's 3:00 in the afternoon so hopefully I can sleep. My neighbour yells when she speaks though and she is driving my crazy. The most annoying voice I have ever heard in my life.

Dehydration could never possible be a problem for me. I drink at least 5L a day. I love my water.

Well today I cheated, unfortunaterly its hard for me to go more than 4 days without binge eating. I went to the supermarket and bought heaps of junk, ate some.... I'm guessing about 800 calories worth which is terrible I know and on my way home I stopped at the servo and put the rest in the bin haha. Seriously, normally i would of eaten at least 3 times what I did so I guess I should be thankful that I don't have the extra 3000 calories in me that I normally would. So, it's a step in the right direction. If I didn't stop at a public bin, I'm pretty sure it would of all gone in my tummy. yuck.

Maybe I should schedule in my cheat meal on Monday..... how much longer can I go without binge eating this time.

I went on a run thisarvo. A really bad one. I should of stopped and had a snooze on the park bench. It probably would of been worthwhile.

I'm so tired though. I am walking around like a zombie so off to bed for me.

[top_5_percent]

I bought a set of scales today...... I know its not good to be obsesive with weighing myself and stuff but seriously I have put on a fair bit of fat. I seriously have a retarded brain sometimes. Sometimes I JUST DONT CARE. Well I do care now, now that its visible to everyone that I have gained weights, its not a good feeling.

It's actually really embarrassing. My eating habits are terrible. I would never eat infront of anyone the amount i do when alone. It's not a good sight.

I have let things go too far and I need to pull my head in. I would not remember the last time I went a solid week with good eating.... it has probably been years. But now it has turned into every single day. My eating is absolutely out of control.

I am going to stop spending money on food (my parents buy healthy stuff at home) so that will help with my finances too. I am so frustrated with myself.

I can safely say that training is not a problem at all for me. I work out every single day, enjoy it, love it (well not always during) I'm pretty sure I would have an anxiety attack if I missed a day of working out.

If other people can get their diet right then I don't see why I can't. I am so impulsive its ridiculous. I think for the next few weeks I will need to be out of the house with no money... I'm thinking about asking my parents if we can get a lock put on a cupboard and put the bread and muesli in there.

I have failed miserably with diet for so long and I think subconsciously my mind and body are expecting to fail again. I need to change my mindset. I deffinately wont be failing again. I deserve amazing results. I need to stop the food medicating and start being proud of my efforts and the day that I start seeing awesome results I WILL BE SO PROUD. The only thing stopping me is me.

Alot of rambleing I know. Needed to get that out haha

[IzzyJ]

"I have complete control over my body. What I eat and what I do reflect that. Nobody can stop my progress. I will continue my progress until my goals are met. Then from there I will need to achieve new goals to keep the forward progression of my mind, body, and soul. I motivate myself every day to work out, eat healthy, and live my life to the fullest."

Keep reading this back to yourself girl!!! print it out and put it on your mirror, in your diary if you have one, make a scrapbook of your goals anything to give you a boost when your feeling down.

Don't be so hard on yourself, everyone falls off the bandwagon every now and again. the fact that you've realized you've fallen off is great at least your not in denial. and better yet you know where you've gone wrong and how to fix it.

Diet isn't easy, its a matter of breaking old habits and starting new ones. you'll find its a lot more complicated than just stopping and starting its about retraining your brain to make new thought paths and connections.

maybe do some more research, maybe the eating plan you had before wasn't quite right, be a little kinder on yourself. keep up with your workouts that's great! and make sure you take some time out to just chill and recover. getting your parents involved in the food side is good too keeps you on track.

remember don't stress too much, if you eat something bad just make sure the next meal is a clean one!

keep ya chin up and stay strong.

no one can stop you but you!!!

[top_5_percent]

Things have gone really well today. Diet has been on track. First day for a fair while.... it's 7:30 at night and the cravings to binge have started again but I am not going to give in to them. I really need to do some study anyway.

I did a spin class today, which was a good workout. I didn't do weights today, I don't want to do too much because then I get in the stage where I am just sick of working out. Tomorrow I am going to do biceps and shoulders and do a fasted morning walk.

I'm in the middle of throwing out most of the stuff in my room. I feel like I am creating a new me, getting closer to the person I want to become so basically I am throwing out all my things from the past.

My health and body have always been my biggest goal in life. Even when I was in grade 3 I remember being on weight watchers - not that I was fat at that point but I did have low self esteem and I just had a fascination with food, health and nutrition and exercise. It has been the centre of my whole life. I spend hours every single day thinking about what I will do in my next workout, and reviewing my diet and things like that and reading on bb.com. I wish I spent as much time studying and doing assignments as I do sidetracked with this stuff. I've never gone at it as hard as I should have. I'm pretty sure my subconscious mind always EXPECTS to fail. Well I'm not failing anymore, its full steam ahead for me and I am changing my mindset.

Everything in life is coming together for me. I just got a new job which I am very happy with, I have my education on track.... my finances have potential to get better haha and I'm educated about what I should be doing with health and fitness I just need to get my eating under control because once I lose control of that everything else in my life seems to go haywire. So one step at a time I guess.... Thinking back I have made steps forward - working out every day, quitting smoking, cut back on drinking, so once I can get my diet in check for just a couple of weeks I think that things will improve immensely and I will be on the road to amazing things.

[top_5_percent]

Pretty much every single post talks about how horrible i am doing. I don't know when I will learn. I deffinately feel like I have wasted so much of my life. If only I had controlled my eating I would.

My thighs are touching more, I feel like I am carrying around a beer gut, a lovely double chin is forming, my boobs are getting bigger. I just feel like a massive piece of lard and I don't want to be seen in public.

I can't believe how much my eating effects my self-esteem.

haha 2 of my friends came over the other day and we went for a swim in my pool and all went in fully clothed.

Anyway I decided I have to make changes if I want to see changes. I think I am going to try doing more of a daily routine. I am terrible at waking up at very random times and going to bed way too late and I never keep my workout schedule. So I am going to start eating at the same times everyday and doing my cardio in the mornings and weights at night on the days that i work or go to school and swap it and do weights in the morning and cardio at night on my days off. I am going to try and work out a new diet plan as I know for sure that the one that I have used for like the past 10 months or somethign does work I just never follow it and I am so used to not following its ridiculous and things are just getting progressively worse because I am allowing them too. I guess its even turning into my comfort zone. Shovel down as much food as I can daily and hate myself for it.

So I will see if I can get out of this hole that I am sinking into by completely chaning it up and I need to get used to feeling good.

[top_5_percent]

Finally, I have had a great day in terms of diet. Finally, finally, finally. Although, its only 6:55pm... still many hours of opportunity for me to enter the kitchen and binge but I WILL refrain.

I am really sad and angry today though, not really sure why. I was so close to just going and eating everything I could get my hands on, either that or going and having a cigarette. But I held out and ended up going and doing a spin class at the gym which I am thankful that I made that decision.

Oh and I took some photos of myself last night. Absolutely rank. Disgusting, even my face is fat. Yuck. Oh well at least I can now realise that I really need to start changing NOW. Photos don't generally lie haha, well except sometimes when I look good... I'm like what the hell is going on, something is clearly wrong here.

I think I am just feeling really overwhelmed with the study and I don't know if I have let myself get too far behind to catch up. My self doubt again. Anyway going to do about 3 hours work now. Hmmm fun fun.

By the way I have finished throwing out practically everything I own and I am glad I did. It was all stuff like photos of times that I don't want to remember and school photos and trophies and stuff like that.

[lindsayternes]

I think you're really hard on yourself - lots of negative talk (which, I admit, I do too), maybe it would help to focus on all the good stuff you have goin' on in your life right now (I've read most of your posts and you have a lot to be proud of). A book I really, really love (and need to read again to help myself regain some focus) is: "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle. I know you're busy with school reading (LAW school, no less) but I think this book will be worth your time. Hang in there, girl. You're a strong, dedicated beautiful woman - everything will be okay!

[Legendsneverdie]

dont be so hard on your self....

[twinnett]

I find that when I'm hard on myself and down and beat myself up, I end up sabatoging myself b/c I don't feel good enough or like I deserve to achieve success..if you expect that you will have a good day and achieve your goals, you will!

[IzzyJ]

I think you're really hard on yourself - lots of negative talk (which, I admit, I do too), maybe it would help to focus on all the good stuff you have goin' on in your life right now (I've read most of your posts and you have a lot to be proud of). A book I really, really love (and need to read again to help myself regain some focus) is: "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle. I know you're busy with school reading (LAW school, no less) but I think this book will be worth your time. Hang in there, girl. You're a strong, dedicated beautiful woman - everything will be okay!

i agree you have so much to be proud of.
another good book i found was called "don't stress the small stuff its all small stuff"
i have a habit of thinking the worse stressing out and working myself into a mad fret but you have to let go sometimes. its not easy to think posiotive all the time so i just stop thinking full stop. take a break. have a day off to yourself. do some yoga or meditation.
so much negative thinking isn't good for you and will only drag you down and further away from your goals.
a lot of people might say suck it up, just do it, stay strong, you'll be fine, but in the end if your not mentally able to do this then don't, take a break, breathe, relax and there's no shame in putting your studies first and focusing on your nursing.