Odd situation, need input please

Amelia · 08-17-2008, 03:53 PM

I know everyone is busy so I'm going to put this situation in cliff notes form:

- met a guy beginning of May, started hanging out
- friends at first
- told me 3rd/4th time we hung out he hoped for more than friends
- started cuddling, holding hands, etc at that point
- out of nowhere gives me a brand new pc b/c mine breaks
- got serious when he kissed me at my sister's wedding
- asked me to move in w/o paying rent or anything (i did offer)
- helped him recover after hernia surgery
(fast forward a month)
- starts acting weird and getting distant
- ask him what's up, says chemistry is gone and he loves me 'just as a friend'

Thoughts? Opinions? I'll give details if needed..

Inscrutable · 08-17-2008, 04:50 PM

Looks like it is time to start looking for a place to live, because it sounds as if he already gave up. In order to salvage the relationship (if it is worth it since not much time has been invested into it), both have to be willing to try. Since you aren't married and don't have kids, it is easier to move on. IMHO, it is better to find this out now than after getting married (if that was on the table at any point). Sorry things didn't work out. Breaking up always sucks.

pryme · 08-17-2008, 05:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Inscrutable

Looks like it is time to start looking for a place to live, because it sounds as if he already gave up. In order to salvage the relationship (if it is worth it since not much time has been invested into it), both have to be willing to try. Since you aren't married and don't have kids, it is easier to move on. IMHO, it is better to find this out now than after getting married (if that was on the table at any point). Sorry things didn't work out. Breaking up always sucks.

Co Sign.

Sometimes people just lose interest. it's just the way it is.
He may be one of those guys/girls who likes the chase, and once he has you, he loses interest. or, he just lost interest.

Either way, just move on.
I don't recommend games, but if you do want to see if he is the chase type, there are ways to find out.

kimm4 · 08-17-2008, 05:13 PM

It's only been a little over 3 months and I think that's too soon to move in with anyone...but that's just me. It sounds like he is being honest and upfront that he's not feeling a relationship. It's possible that you could end up being great friends...some of my best friends are guys

Good luck!!

Amelia · 08-17-2008, 06:47 PM

Thanks to you all for your replies! I'm not into games; too childish for me and it's pointless. I don't have issues with being friends with him but it's the transitional period (downshifting as I call it) will be difficult. Thank God I have enough friends and this forum to vent on...LOL

Keltron · 08-17-2008, 07:47 PM

I hate to put it so bluntly but I guess the spark just wore off. How old is he?

Inscrutable · 08-17-2008, 08:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Keltron

I hate to put it so bluntly but I guess the spark just wore off. How old is he?

The Eleanor Roosevelt quote in your sig is oneof my favorite quotes of all time.

Amelia · 08-17-2008, 08:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Keltron

I hate to put it so bluntly but I guess the spark just wore off. How old is he?

He's about 8 months younger than I am, so still 31. Those were close to his exact words although he used the word chemistry. I only recently found out that he's a serial dater and hasn't really had anything long term in awhile. I can understand the spark dying or whatever but to me getting distant immediately after meeting my parents is a tad suspicious.

Inscrutable · 08-17-2008, 08:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Amelia

He's about 8 months younger than I am, so still 31. Those were close to his exact words although he used the word chemistry. I only recently found out that he's a serial dater and hasn't really had anything long term in awhile. I can understand the spark dying or whatever but to me getting distant immediately after meeting my parents is a tad suspicious.

Maybe he has issues with your parents. It really is hard to say why he would act that way without knowing him. We could throw out all kinds of assumptions, but I feel like there is probably more to it, and you would know better than us. Maybe you should sit him down and ask him why. If he was honest about his feelings, he might be honest with why.

Amelia · 08-17-2008, 08:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Inscrutable

Maybe he has issues with your parents. It really is hard to say why he would act that way without knowing him. We could throw out all kinds of assumptions, but I feel like there is probably more to it, and you would know better than us. Maybe you should sit him down and ask him why. If he was honest about his feelings, he might be honest with why.

Indeed, he told me that he is willing to sit down and talk with me about anything I want to discuss. While I admit to having many questions, I have two primary (most important to me) ones that I need answers to: why he asked me to move in at all and what the whole 'just friends' bit means precisely. My definition of that phrase might be different than his so clarification is key for all involved.

kimm4 · 08-17-2008, 11:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Amelia

Indeed, he told me that he is willing to sit down and talk with me about anything I want to discuss. While I admit to having many questions, I have two primary (most important to me) ones that I need answers to: why he asked me to move in at all and what the whole 'just friends' bit means precisely. My definition of that phrase might be different than his so clarification is key for all involved.

He should be willing to talk and answer your questions...I'm sure it's a tuff thing to for you to swallow...especially where you lived together. As for friends...don't rush into it...this is all too new and the friends thing will take some time for sure!! If you ever get to being friends...leave it at that because anything more and it can be a disaster!!

JAWS22 · 08-17-2008, 11:58 PM

Uhhhh be freaking happy cause you got a FREE PC and thats AWESOME! And with all the money you saved up from no rent you can go get an apt and no have to struggle... YOU WON GIRL!

Inscrutable · 08-18-2008, 05:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JAWS22

Uhhhh be freaking happy cause you got a FREE PC and thats AWESOME! And with all the money you saved up from no rent you can go get an apt and no have to struggle... YOU WON GIRL!

If she saved any money. Some do not prepare themselves for the future. Let's hope she did.

Amelia · 08-18-2008, 06:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kimm4

He should be willing to talk and answer your questions...I'm sure it's a tuff thing to for you to swallow...especially where you lived together. As for friends...don't rush into it...this is all too new and the friends thing will take some time for sure!! If you ever get to being friends...leave it at that because anything more and it can be a disaster!!

Agreed. He's willing to talk whenever I'm comfortable enough so the ball is in my court entirely.

Amelia · 08-18-2008, 07:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JAWS22

Uhhhh be freaking happy cause you got a FREE PC and thats AWESOME! And with all the money you saved up from no rent you can go get an apt and no have to struggle... YOU WON GIRL!

You know something entirely jacked up? He's still offering to give me free computer equipment! I'll have an apartment once my first paycheck from work comes through (just started a new teaching position) so yeah, I'm good on that.

gamebred26 · 08-18-2008, 07:29 AM

May like 3 months ago May?

Amelia · 08-18-2008, 07:35 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gamebred26

May like 3 months ago May?

Yup, like three months ago in 2008 May. Hindsight is 20/20 - shouldn't have done this, that, or the other. Truth is all I ever wanted from the guy was friendship anyway.

Finner · 08-18-2008, 07:43 AM

who does this kind of **** to women A LOT. Chases, gets serious, then slams on the brakes. Don't be surprised if he wants you back after you move out. I'm not saying that it will happen, I'm just saying not to be surprised. And if that DOES happen, for the love of all that is holy. . .PLEASE don't go back. If he's anything like my friend, he'll do the same waivering thing.

The strange thing is, my friend isn't an intentional "game player." He just gets all worked up for a girl, burns hot and then burns out. I don't think he'll ever find someone to be with "forever."

*dwest* · 08-18-2008, 07:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Finner

who does this kind of **** to women A LOT. Chases, gets serious, then slams on the brakes. Don't be surprised if he wants you back after you move out. I'm not saying that it will happen, I'm just saying not to be surprised. And if that DOES happen, for the love of all that is holy. . .PLEASE don't go back. If he's anything like my friend, he'll do the same waivering thing.

The strange thing is, my friend isn't an intentional "game player." He just gets all worked up for a girl, burns hot and then burns out. I don't think he'll ever find someone to be with "forever."

Old Cow Syndrome

Finner · 08-18-2008, 07:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by *dwest*

Old Cow Syndrome

That monkier is very mooooving.

(Ugh. . .terrible. I know.)

Amelia · 08-18-2008, 07:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Finner

who does this kind of **** to women A LOT. Chases, gets serious, then slams on the brakes. Don't be surprised if he wants you back after you move out. I'm not saying that it will happen, I'm just saying not to be surprised. And if that DOES happen, for the love of all that is holy. . .PLEASE don't go back. If he's anything like my friend, he'll do the same waivering thing.

The strange thing is, my friend isn't an intentional "game player." He just gets all worked up for a girl, burns hot and then burns out. I don't think he'll ever find someone to be with "forever."

It wouldn't surprise me at all just given the fact that when I left, he told me to contact him when I was ready (fine, ok) and here it is not two days later and he's blowing up my phone with text messages. He sounds a lot like your friend though - it's kinda sad to think some people just don't know how to commit.

gamebred26 · 08-18-2008, 07:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Amelia

Yup, like three months ago in 2008 May. Hindsight is 20/20 - shouldn't have done this, that, or the other. Truth is all I ever wanted from the guy was friendship anyway.

Ok so what is the question? Are you asking why do we think this happened?

He is a guy. Prob has not reached a point in his life yet where he is ready to settle down.

Or he found something that seems to be better.

The thrill is gone...who knows..who cares ..keep it moving.

At our age who's got time for games.

He's just not that in to you..lol..for you tm..

gamebred26 · 08-18-2008, 07:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Amelia

It wouldn't surprise me at all just given the fact that when I left, he told me to contact him when I was ready (fine, ok) and here it is not two days later and he's blowing up my phone with text messages. He sounds a lot like your friend though - it's kinda sad to think some people just don't know how to commit.

LOL...no guys commit...they ACT like they do..don't ever forget that.

The sooner women realise that the better off we will all be.

The only men that don't cheat are the ones that can't.

Amelia · 08-18-2008, 08:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gamebred26

At our age who's got time for games.

He's just not that in to you..lol..for you tm..

LOL...I own the audio version of that book! I hear ya on the games though - I get plenty of that kinda drama at work.

Finner · 08-18-2008, 08:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gamebred26

LOL...no guys commit...they ACT like they do..don't ever forget that.

The sooner women realise that the better off we will all be.

The only men that don't cheat are the ones that can't.

LOL. That is *so* not true, folks. It's likely, it happens often, but it isn't the gospel truth.

My husband has plenty of opportunities to cheat. . .but doesn't. I trust him explicitly. Of course, he's a *man* and not a *boy*, per se . . . and he learned some harsh karmic lessons early on in his life. (A real-life "Fatal Attraction" when he was married to his first wife. SCARY!)

gamebred26 · 08-18-2008, 09:15 AM

Ok ...

Amelia · 08-18-2008, 10:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Finner

LOL. That is *so* not true, folks. It's likely, it happens often, but it isn't the gospel truth.

Agreed - my parents have been married for 36 years and no infidelity issues have ever come up. Some men, just like some women, cannot commit to anything serious for a boatload of different reasons. I have a close friend of mine who has been through 4 different men this year; not b/c she's a player but she's just fickle and doesn't know what she wants yet.

gamebred26 · 08-18-2008, 10:15 AM

There are always a few exceptions to the rule. But look at your perspectives...a husband to you and your father...come on.

Finner · 08-18-2008, 10:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gamebred26

There are always a few exceptions to the rule. But look at your perspectives...a husband to you and your father...come on.

Well, look. . .I'll be the first to admit:

My ex-husband was Cheater-Friggin-Extraordinaire. I acted like I didn't know it, but I did. I had no proof, but somehow, I knew what was going on. Thus, I wasn't surprised when I was given actual proof. (Photos. Not crabs. Ha ha ha.) What *did* surprise me was the quantity of his cheating. Sheesh. How did he find the friggin TIME? LOL. I'm over it. He cheated because he was a total horndog. He also had a complex about how I should behave. . .as his wife. Basically, the whole "Madonna/Whore" thing. (Madonna the Holy Mother. Not Madonna the skank singer.)

He was also an insecure *******.

Mu current husband is not insecure. He's not an *******. He's very open with me about how he feels about anything and everything. He's also *very* respectful towards women. He does this without managing to look like a total puss. He's the perfect balance of a strong, "alpha" man and loving, kind human being. Frankly, I haven't met many men like him.

The two men that I DO know who are a lot like him are also very loyal to their wives. True, one of them is on his second wife, but he took every lesson he learned in that marriage and is totally loyal, respectful and caring towards his wife. The other guy? He's an anomaly! He's on his first wife and is amazing.

That's not to say that any of these men don't have "assholish" tendencies. They can all selfish. I think the common denomonator among them is the respect factor. They view us as PARTNERS and not something to be kept or held.

It's easy to say that men are a bunch of stinking, horny, cooch-sniffing dogs. . .but honestly, they aren't all like that. I swearz.

Amelia · 08-18-2008, 10:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gamebred26

There are always a few exceptions to the rule. But look at your perspectives...a husband to you and your father...come on.

My father had his share of issues before marrying my mother. He got married at 19, realized it was a mistake, and got divorced a year later so yeah even he's not perfect. What I'm looking for in a potential partner is actually nothing like my father; in fact, I dunno how my mother puts up with him...LOL. To each their own though - some people are serial monogamists and some people are just monogamists period.