Time to quit?

[BlueShoe]

Hypothetically speaking (of course), how does one know when it's time to throw in the towel on a long term relationship? When do you stay and fight for what you have together and where do you draw the line and say it's time to quit?

[runner05]

Originally Posted by BlueShoe

Hypothetically speaking (of course), how does one know when it's time to throw in the towel on a long term relationship? When do you stay and fight for what you have together and where do you draw the line and say it's time to quit?

Seriously think about what "you have together"... Is "what you have" actually what you want? Or, can it be? Short term or long term shouldn't matter as much as your happiness! Don't settle... ever...

[CoffeCanSlayer]

Originally Posted by BlueShoe

Hypothetically speaking (of course), how does one know when it's time to throw in the towel on a long term relationship? When do you stay and fight for what you have together and where do you draw the line and say it's time to quit?

Kind of have to weigh out the things that can be fixed, establish what's exactly wrong. (hypothetically) If there were kids involved, you would have to decide if your willing to stick together for their sake. If your S/O wont communticate about with you, force him into it, put your foot down about it. If he isnt willing to talk about it, then he can open up after your gone.

[bambifox]

I tend to agree w/Runner. I'd weigh the good vs. bad (maybe write out a list). IMHO, when the bad outweighs the good....it's time to move on.

[erinlee01]

Originally Posted by runner05

Seriously think about what "you have together"... Is "what you have" actually what you want? Or, can it be? Short term or long term shouldn't matter as much as your happiness! Don't settle... ever...

I agree 100% with Runner. You need to think about whether you would be happier on your own than you are in the relationship. If the answer is yes, then it's time to move on. You don't want to wake up 10 years from now and realize you spent your youth with the wrong guy (yes, experience). I also think it depends on how much effort you feel you've both put into fixing it. If you're trying as hard as you can and he won't - time to move one. If neither of you is trying and you don't want to - time to move on. If you think it can be fixed, then by all means try. But give it a time limit.

[The Squatch]

Not sure what problems you might have in your relationship, but I'll give my .02. Don't ever stay in a relationship hoping someone will change. People are who they are. Sometimes, it takes a while to see them for what exactly they are because we are all on our best behavior at the beginning of a relationship.

I have seen so many people wait and wait and wait for someone to change. It doesn't happen.

You should never settle for less than happiness.

[IronCamp]

Originally Posted by erinlee01

I agree 100% with Runner. You need to think about whether you would be happier on your own than you are in the relationship. If the answer is yes, then it's time to move on. You don't want to wake up 10 years from now and realize you spent your youth with the wrong guy (yes, experience). I also think it depends on how much effort you feel you've both put into fixing it. If you're trying as hard as you can and he won't - time to move one. If neither of you is trying and you don't want to - time to move on. If you think it can be fixed, then by all means try. But give it a time limit.

Very good advice...I wasted 4 years on someone who could never give me what I wanted.

Originally Posted by The Squatch

Not sure what problems you might have in your relationship, but I'll give my .02. Don't ever stay in a relationship hoping someone will change. People are who they are. Sometimes, it takes a while to see them for what exactly they are because we are all on our best behavior at the beginning of a relationship.

I have seen so many people wait and wait and wait for someone to change. It doesn't happen.

You should never settle for less than happiness.

I tend to agree that people don't change.

[kimm4]

Originally Posted by bambifox

I tend to agree w/Runner. I'd weigh the good vs. bad (maybe write out a list). IMHO, when the bad outweighs the good....it's time to move on.

Yup, the old pros and cons list...too many cons = bye bye now!!

Good luck

[SeaJules]

Originally Posted by BlueShoe

Hypothetically speaking (of course), how does one know when it's time to throw in the towel on a long term relationship? When do you stay and fight for what you have together and where do you draw the line and say it's time to quit?

I don't know Blue. I have stayed in relationships long after I knew it was time to move on, in the past. I think deep down, we know when it's over, but often it's difficult to pick up and move on. (Creatures of habit)

Anyway, I wish you (Hypothetical) best!

[Amanda76]

Not sure where exactly you're coming from either.

If I feel a need to "fight" for something, I guess I don't consider it mine. Dramatic BS just ain't my thing.

Relationships go through rough spots. When that happens, both parties should be interested in coming up with solutions. There will be a bit of give and take. When you can't work together or one person simply isn't interested in putting work into the relationship, I guess it's over.

If kids are involved, remember they'll base their expectations of relationships on what you show them. If it's cool to disrespect each other, fight all the time, for one person to do all the work, etc, etc, that's all they'll aspire to look for. I'm guessing those aren't the kinds of things you'd want for your kids, so why should it be good enough for you?

I think the advice of thinking if you'll be happier on your own is good but I don't think most people realize they're happier on their own until they've been there for a while.

[Tiffany Wantsmore]

I guess if you spend more time unhappy than you do happy, that's when its time to quit.

[bambifox]

Originally Posted by Aphrodite

I guess if you spend more time unhappy than you do happy, that's when its time to quit.

I love the way you put that! I think that nailed it!

[tryn2getstrong]

Originally Posted by BlueShoe

Hypothetically speaking (of course), how does one know when it's time to throw in the towel on a long term relationship? When do you stay and fight for what you have together and where do you draw the line and say it's time to quit?

If there's two people willing to change to make it work then it's worth a shot. If not, then it's time to bolt

[terribletriad]

-Ask yourself where you 'want' to be in 5/10 years and if you see yourself there with him.

-Does he 'want' to be there with you??

[nutron]

I am there. I have been married for 28 years, high school sweetheart,but he lies little stupid lies that he thinks are okay, he has a temper, and i know i no longer love him, but to leave him will hurt him, we have 1 child left in school he will be a junior this fall, but i am very, very unhappy and he never really listens to me, plus he says one thing then denies he ever says it-drives me nuts.So I have to decide what to do........................

[BlueShoe]

Originally Posted by nutron

I am there. I have been married for 28 years, high school sweetheart,but he lies little stupid lies that he thinks are okay, he has a temper, and i know i no longer love him, but to leave him will hurt him, we have 1 child left in school he will be a junior this fall, but i am very, very unhappy and he never really listens to me, plus he says one thing then denies he ever says it-drives me nuts.So I have to decide what to do........................

We can start a support group. lol So sorry. Kids too? That makes it that much harder.

[nutron]

the 1 child left at home does not want to even think about a split, so I am thinking I am stuck for another 2 long years.

[dunkonu9]

Yout throw in the towel when he does not notice you in those sexy underoos.......



Serious make the list good versus bad.

[dimepiece]

awww nutron i'm sorry

have you told him you're unhappy? maybe he doesn't know how unhappy you are. if you could maybe go to a relationship counselor or something it might make things more bearable for you for now and who knows?

blue - i think when you ask the question that started this thread you know the answer...i'm not saying relationships are only worth sticking around for if they're easy, but if you're not happy and things have been that way for a significant period of time in my opinion it's better to cut your losses. it's really hard and i myself stuck around with a guy for a whole year after i was pretty much checked out of the relationship. you don't want to hurt them, you're scared maybe you're making a mistake, that things would have been great again if you'd only waited a little bit longer. but then weeks turn into months turn into years.

maybe just take a break. i'm not sure if this is your boyfriend or you're married, but a trial separation, just to be selfish for a bit and think about what it is that you really want. and doing this might also give him the motivation he needs to make the needed changes or risk losing you, if that's the problem.

i'm rambling now...i just get so sad when people are unhappy in a relationship . if you haven't already maybe just sit him down and say here is what i need, here is not what is working for me, here is what i need you to do. and he can do the same. and it either gets better soon or doesn't.

ok i'm going to stop talking now lol i could write 3 pages. if you have children then that of course makes everything harder...i'm not sure exactly about the situation i'm just speaking from my experience where the worst consequence is losing a best friend

[nutron]

I have asked him for a little time to think and not to talk to him for a couple of weeks and he says yes but still calls and tries to talk, so frustrating.He drives truck and is home only a few days a month. I just really need to talk. I don't hang out with any girls so have no one to talk with.

[dimepiece]

Originally Posted by nutron

I have asked him for a little time to think and not to talk to him for a couple of weeks and he says yes but still calls and tries to talk, so frustrating.He drives truck and is home only a few days a month. I just really need to talk. I don't hang out with any girls so have no one to talk with.

It must be hard to work things out not having your husband around that much. Plus juniors in high school aren't exactly the greatest companions (I know I wasn't!) and probably don't want to hear about their parents problems (I know I didn't at that age).

You definitely need to try and find some girls to hang out with. Even if things aren't great with your husband they will make you feel so much better. I know when I'm completely miserable about something having a girl friend to vent to is better than anything else. Do you not know a lot of people where you are or have you maybe lost contact with them? I know that's easier said than done because it's hard to meet new people. I've moved to strange cities where I didn't know a soul before and what I usually do is join random classes and do volunteer work. Like a cooking class, floral arrangements, learn German, whatever it is you will usually find really nice people who are open to meeting a new friend. And I duno if you have a branch where you are but the Make A Wish Foundation...seriously the nicest, most enthusiastic people I've ever met

[nutron]

I work nights and have my 15 year old at home and my other son that just graduated this year, plus my daughter in law and her 2 kids live downstairs in an apartment. Where I work my son, daughter and daughter in law works with me. I really don't want to say anything negative about thier dad, so I really feel stuck.

[Roxie]

Originally Posted by The Squatch

. Don't ever stay in a relationship hoping someone will change. People are who they are. Sometimes, it takes a while to see them for what exactly they are because we are all on our best behavior at the beginning of a relationship.

I have seen so many people wait and wait and wait for someone to change. It doesn't happen.

I could not have said it better!!! I completely agree with you, especially the part about "best behavior" I wasted too much time thinking someone actually changed. But when pushed came to shove, their true self came out!!

I feel you know in your heart when it's time to move on. I see some ladies recognize it and still stayed in the relationship. It's tough to move on, but if in your heart you feel it's over, the best thing to do is follow your heart and move on. Staying in it longer just makes it harder and harder to leave.

[dimepiece]

Originally Posted by nutron

I work nights and have my 15 year old at home and my other son that just graduated this year, plus my daughter in law and her 2 kids live downstairs in an apartment. Where I work my son, daughter and daughter in law works with me. I really don't want to say anything negative about thier dad, so I really feel stuck.

Aww wow that makes it really hard. Could you do stuff during the day maybe while your 15-year-old is at school or is he/she home schooled?

[nutron]

it's summer right now so he is home all day, between him ,my other son, the daughter in law i can never get any time alone..Pathetic huh

[dimepiece]

Originally Posted by nutron

it's summer right now so he is home all day, between him ,my other son, the daughter in law i can never get any time alone..Pathetic huh

no not at all, families are a huge time commitment. especially when they aren't driving yet and require being chauffeured around everywhere. well i guess until summer is over you have the internet as lame as that sounds. i talk to a lot of people online regularly who i've never met in real life but they're great to talk to . watching episodes of sex and the city makes me feel better too . unfortunately so do brownies...

[nutron]

Thanks!!!!!!!

[Jmh80]

Originally Posted by nutron

it's summer right now so he is home all day, between him ,my other son, the daughter in law i can never get any time alone..Pathetic huh

It could always be worse with your husband. My Mom had to leave my Dad when his drinking and drugging got pretty bad. I was 12.


Best of luck Nutron.

Is your son involved in sports? That is a major help for younger boys without a father figure (speaking from experience).

[HeavyAssault]

Originally Posted by nutron

I am there. I have been married for 28 years, high school sweetheart,but he lies little stupid lies that he thinks are okay, he has a temper, and i know i no longer love him, but to leave him will hurt him, we have 1 child left in school he will be a junior this fall, but i am very, very unhappy and he never really listens to me, plus he says one thing then denies he ever says it-drives me nuts.So I have to decide what to do........................

It's tough. Does he know how unhappy you are? Have you tried marriage counseling? I was married for 15 years, and the last 5 or so years were not happy. My ex wife was not interested in working on things (until after I left, but by then, I was done...)
We have two children together and leaving was by far the most difficult decision I've ever made. But I had reached the point where I knew I had done everything I was willing to do to try to save the marriage.
Fast forward 5 years. Life is good. Bought a house in the same neighborhood to make it easier on the kids, both kids are doing well. I'm MUCH happier (so is she by the way...).
Divorce is not the end of the world, but it sure can feel that way.
Make sure he knows how you feel & why, and what you need. Hopefully he'll come around! Good luck.

[TeresaMalia]

I agree with almost everyone above me..
I think if I ever asked this then it would be time to move on. I mean there is obviously something behind the doubt.