Trying to deal with seperation from my wife

[Anthony21]

I've debated putting this thread up or not. I don't like airing my business out to everyone but at the same time this is sort of like therapy for me.

This short explanation is taken from another thread I posted in earlier today.

I'm going through a separation with my wife. I've known her since she was 14 and I was 17. We literally grew up together and we've been all that we've known relationship wise really.

We have two kids together and still live together in our home. She's talking to another guy she's emotionally connected with that she met through Xbox Live. They talk all through out the day and stay up late talking and gaming.

A lot of the issues in our relationship were on my end. I never showed her how much I appreciated her and loved her. Now that it's gone I know that I do and truly know the feeling of missing someone until you hurt. She's put up with a lot of my BS and has had enough at this point. She stated she loves me still but just believes she can't have those feelings for me like she use to.

Now she spends most her time up in our daughters room (where her Xbox is) playing on there and spending time with this guy she's been talking to and connecting with for months. There have been nights where I stood outside the door for 2 hours to listen to their conversations (pathetic I know). I am scared of change and to move out, to actually have something like that solidify the separation. On top of the fact that my oldest daughter is going to see the impact on what's going on.

I feel that this guy she has met is just an escape for her, someone who makes her feel happy and whole since we had holes in our marriage. She states she is just taking it day by day with him and has no plan.

[Jammer02xd]

That was difficult to read and I'm sorry to hear all that. I would say that if you want to try to salvage things you need to recognize what you were doing to make her feel like talking to another man was an option and work to fix that. Do you not share common interests? Do you not spend time together (outside of time with the kids, just you and her time)? when was the last time you took her on a date or did something spontaneous? etc etc.

[Anthony21]

That was difficult to read and I'm sorry to hear all that. I would say that if you want to try to salvage things you need to recognize what you were doing to make her feel like talking to another man was an option and work to fix that. Do you not share common interests? Do you not spend time together (outside of time with the kids, just you and her time)? when was the last time you took her on a date or did something spontaneous? etc etc.

I have been going to therapy to better myself and things that led her to reach out of our marriage to someone else. I have an appointment today actually ha.

We do share common interests but just now she feels we don't have chemistry. It's hard to have chemistry since she never wants to be around me now.

Prior to this we didn't take as many date nights as we could of. Life, kids, work, etc took away from that.

[MuzzieChik786]

Originally discussed here:

http://forum.bodybuilding.com/showth...hp?t=173155561

Towards the bottom.

[Anthony21]

Originally discussed here:

http://forum.bodybuilding.com/showth...hp?t=173155561

Towards the bottom.

Thanks for that Muzzie. I appreciate your advice and any more you may have.

[chrsschb]

From someone who has been through this situation escalated 100-fold, stop fukking blaming yourself. Nothing falls to chit because "you stopped showing her attention" or whatever the fuk else you want to blame yourself with.


Move on, trust me. Start over fresh with someone else so there's no resentment and old crap lingering over your head every day.

If you want more info PM me. I've posted my story on here before but it was deleted eventually due to detectives.

[-Lucifer]

I've known her since she was 14 and I was 17. We literally grew up together and we've been all that we've known relationship wise really.

She is doing what she should have done a long time ago - date other guys to get a taste of 'variety'. Not saying she should have slooted around, but I think having a few partners in your young adult life will make you more confident in your relationship-based decisions.

Your story reminds me of that movie Road Trip (2000), except that the couple in said movie wasn't married.

What you are feeling is normal. Start meeting other women and you should be able to move on. It won't be easy, but you have to give it an honest shot.

I am scared of change and to move out, to actually have something like that solidify the separation. On top of the fact that my oldest daughter is going to see the impact on what's going on.

Can this relationship be salvaged? I ask because it's best for your kids. If not, you have to man up.

I feel that this guy she has met is just an escape for her, someone who makes her feel happy and whole since we had holes in our marriage. She states she is just taking it day by day with him and has no plan.

See the first sentence. Either someone told her to expand her horizons, or she came to that conclusion on her own. Her having no plan today doesn't mean she won't have one tomorrow. If you think there's absolutely no chance this will work out, move out and find another woman.

[kitpapa]

Honestly, try therapy or counseling and see if she will agree to go with you. Whether a religious figure or a psych or something. Someone you two can meet with at set times, not just fly by the seat of your pants.
If she does not agree to this OP, it may already be completely over.
I'm speaking from experience here. I spent 9 years in a marriage where husband stalked me, everything was my fault, etc and I very WRONGLY cheated. I completely admit that and still feel bad. When he asked for counseling I flat out refused. I had gone for myself previously. Our marriage was over and I was not going to put the kids or either of us in more pain bu dragging things out which I had already been doing for years.
And DO NOT assume the other guy is JUST an escape. I married the other guy and we could not be a happier couple to be honest.
I will always feel bad for hurting my ex and know what I did was wrong (we broke it off a week after the affair started so not a long time) but I am glad I ended up where I am.

[chrsschb]

Can this relationship be salvaged? I ask because it's best for your kids. If not, you have to man up.

Salvaging a broken marriage isn't inherently good for the kids. They will always have issues if they are at this point now.

[1slo5oh]

I kind of know the feels here... was with my baby momma for 10+ years total... she was 16 and I was 18 when we met...

Here is my advice bruh... don't put so much of the burden of this on yourself.. people do a lot of growing up and changing when they are young. Its time for you to get out there and experience life.... believe it or not you didn't get to do that because you were with her...


When we split I didn't miss her.. I missed having somebody around... and I realized that so it didn't bother me so much. If you move on from this I PROMISE you will be happier

[NitrogenWidget]

I have been going to therapy to better myself and things that led her to reach out of our marriage to someone else. I have an appointment today actually ha.

We do share common interests but just now she feels we don't have chemistry. It's hard to have chemistry since she never wants to be around me now.

Prior to this we didn't take as many date nights as we could of. Life, kids, work, etc took away from that.

Anthony,
did you decide you weren't pulling your weight or did she?
My ex-wife made me out to be the worst husband in the world.
She did it so she could justify her cheating.

It wasn't until it was all over that I looked back and realized a lot of it was BS on her part and her way to turn me into her little bits.
I was bending over backwards to try and make her happy.
Until I found out she was cheating.
Then we separated and i got even more beta.
Until hit rock bottom and cut her off completely and filed for divorce.

just something to think about.

[Anthony21]

From someone who has been through this situation escalated 100-fold, stop fukking blaming yourself. Nothing falls to chit because "you stopped showing her attention" or whatever the fuk else you want to blame yourself with.


Move on, trust me. Start over fresh with someone else so there's no resentment and old crap lingering over your head every day.

If you want more info PM me. I've posted my story on here before but it was deleted eventually due to detectives.

The problem is I do blame myself for a lot of the things that went wrong in the marriage as a majority of it was truly my fault. It's a heavy guilt that I carry now everyday.

She is doing what she should have done a long time ago - date other guys to get a taste of 'variety'. Not saying she should have slooted around, but I think having a few partners in your young adult life will make you more confident in your relationship-based decisions.

Your story reminds me of that movie Road Trip (2000), except that the couple in said movie wasn't married.

What you are feeling is normal. Start meeting other women and you should be able to move on. It won't be easy, but you have to give it an honest shot.



Can this relationship be salvaged? I ask because it's best for your kids. If not, you have to man up.



See the first sentence. Either someone told her to expand her horizons, or she came to that conclusion on her own. Her having no plan today doesn't mean she won't have one tomorrow. If you think there's absolutely no chance this will work out, move out and find another woman.

Honestly I'm not even thinking about meeting other women. If that day comes I want to make sure I'm 100% fixed with the issues I'm going to therapy for. How is she going to be in some relationship with some guy she met through Xbox Live. We live in Oregon the guy is in San Diego and is a "DJ" who lives with his brother. The dude probably couldn't even by a plane ticket up here. All it is in my eyes is some escape for her to not deal with reality.

My hopes are that it can be salvaged. She says she needs her space (yet we live together so her space is minimal texting and minimal physical contact) so I'm trying my best to give it to her, though I always slip up. I hope she misses me in time if I do give her space but fear that won't happen.

Honestly, try therapy or counseling and see if she will agree to go with you. Whether a religious figure or a psych or something. Someone you two can meet with at set times, not just fly by the seat of your pants.
If she does not agree to this OP, it may already be completely over.
I'm speaking from experience here. I spent 9 years in a marriage where husband stalked me, everything was my fault, etc and I very WRONGLY cheated. I completely admit that and still feel bad. When he asked for counseling I flat out refused. I had gone for myself previously. Our marriage was over and I was not going to put the kids or either of us in more pain bu dragging things out which I had already been doing for years.
And DO NOT assume the other guy is JUST an escape. I married the other guy and we could not be a happier couple to be honest.
I will always feel bad for hurting my ex and know what I did was wrong (we broke it off a week after the affair started so not a long time) but I am glad I ended up where I am.

Unfortunately part of my past has infidelity involved which has been a big issue obviously. Honestly right now I prefer therapy on my own.

[JoshLogic]

I've never been married so I don't understand the entire dynamic that brings but I will say once she tells you there's no chemistry and "the spark isn't there anymore" it's beyond salvageable.

Women think about that concept for months before they say it so it's mentally set in stone that you're not the one any longer.

Whether you want to work it out or move on you should be doing the same thing. Focus on yourself and your childrens well being. Move forward, get out of the house and start planning your life without her.

She will either get a reality check once she sees you moving on and try to fix things or you will see it's what needs to be done. I wouldn't recommend living there waiting for her to change her mind.

I don't look at divorce as a epitome of failure like some do. My parents divorced very clean and without drama when I was a child; That situation is 100x better than growing up in a family that wasn't happy and faught/stonewalled each other.

How you guys handle this will have a huge impact on how your children handle relationships/breakups in their own lives so keep that in mind.

[FrazettaSilke]

What a heartbreaking story. Kids certainly add more to the mix. Divorce is ugly. Cheating, even emotionally, is worse. My parents are the only ones I know who still have a stable marriage after 25+ years. What is this world coming to?

[Anthony21]

I kind of know the feels here... was with my baby momma for 10+ years total... she was 16 and I was 18 when we met...

Here is my advice bruh... don't put so much of the burden of this on yourself.. people do a lot of growing up and changing when they are young. Its time for you to get out there and experience life.... believe it or not you didn't get to do that because you were with her...


When we split I didn't miss her.. I missed having somebody around... and I realized that so it didn't bother me so much. If you move on from this I PROMISE you will be happier

That's a good point bro. I never really experienced life without her. It's always been me and her. We've had a 2 year period where we split. I moved after high school back to Cali and did the whole long distance relationship that eventually didn't work out. So 2 years we went our separate ways and reunited back in 2006 and been together ever since.

The thing is I miss HER. I miss everything about her and all out little inside jokes, her laugh, touch, etc.

Anthony,
did you decide you weren't pulling your weight or did she?
My ex-wife made me out to be the worst husband in the world.
She did it so she could justify her cheating.

It wasn't until it was all over that I looked back and realized a lot of it was BS on her part and her way to turn me into her little bits.
I was bending over backwards to try and make her happy.
Until I found out she was cheating.
Then we separated and i got even more beta.
Until hit rock bottom and cut her off completely and filed for divorce.

just something to think about.

Nah man it was her that had enough of me and all the sh!t I put her through. Really I've been a crappy husband now that I look at it from her perspective.

[chrsschb]

The problem is I do blame myself for a lot of the things that went wrong in the marriage as a majority of it was truly my fault. It's a heavy guilt that I carry now everyday.

I've been there. You're wrong. Unless you went out fukking other chicks it's not primarily your fault. Your marriage as a whole fell apart and you need to realize it's not just because you feel bad about something. There was a huge list of things that went wrong and you BOTH messed up.

It took me a long time to understand this and come to terms with it.

[meenman83]

Going through this too however I am overseas until October. I did tons of jacked up stuff and so did she. I wanted to stay because of the kids and I "loved" her however as time goes you realize you cannot really go back to what it was that made you click because you both will go back to the same routine sadly. All I can is avoid as much conversation while you're at the house. Start accepting the reality and move forward. Try and find a new place unless the housing is bigger issue. Yeah I initially got over it quickly then you randomly will have a good talk thinking its okay then it goes to chit again. I still have to pay the mortgage and send more money than I should so my kids have an excellent quality of life. Only chitty part is when I go home for R&R I have to pay for a hotel instead of staying in the basement. All I can say is take it one day at a time, DO NOT beat yourself up. Chalk it up as a life lesson, the mistakes you made and she made. You will come to accept it more and more each day. PM me if you're trouble bro. As always, We are all going to make it.

[-Lucifer]

How is she going to be in some relationship with some guy she met through Xbox Live. We live in Oregon the guy is in San Diego and is a "DJ" who lives with his brother. The dude probably couldn't even by a plane ticket up here. All it is in my eyes is some escape for her to not deal with reality.

Thanks for that bit of information. So it's an emotional affair and nothing more.

My hopes are that it can be salvaged. She says she needs her space (yet we live together so her space is minimal texting and minimal physical contact) so I'm trying my best to give it to her, though I always slip up. I hope she misses me in time if I do give her space but fear that won't happen.

What have you done to fix this? Have you tried talking to her? What did your therapist tell you to do?

[Coolman468]

Your now EX wife, met a man on xbox live that she feels strongly about. Let that sink in, a grown women with 2 kids spends all day talking to another loser (cause if both of them are spending that much time on xbox then they are losers). I think that's an indication it is time to move on. You shouldn't even want to be with her, if she did some bullsht like that. Pack your bags, get up, tell your children the situation as best as you can and get the fck away from your ex wife. And file your divorce papers son.

[Thebunz]

Fuk bro. Looks like she checked out. Can't convince someone to work it out when they don't want to.

Give it your all for a month, see if you can break her. Maybe you'll get lucky, but at the very least you'll realize in the end it's nothing that you can control.

Good luck

[Beararms]

I would get out of that house asap and find somone to stay with. There is nothing worse than living with a woman that you care about but she is lost and doesnt reciprocate the feelings back. Even if you have kids its better to split, its toxic as hell.
I know from experience. My ex ran back to her ex like a week and a half after we broke up.

[xvicknumber7x]

Anthony, honestly, you sound sort of like a piece of shiit.

You mentioned infidelity, letting the romance die, and not paying attention to your soon to be ex-wife as factors in your relationship, and now when you realize you are losing your grip on things and the family you took for granted, you're freaking out and want to go back. You took the power out of your own hands with your selfishness.

All you can do now is finally show her you're listening to her by giving her what she wants and showing her that you are ready to do what you need to do to fix things. Unfortunately I fear it might be too late.

Stop "slipping up" and commit to what your wife wants and commit to the course of your treatment and hope it falls in your favor. There's nothing you can do at this point except listen to her and hope that fixes things.

[kitpapa]

The problem is I do blame myself for a lot of the things that went wrong in the marriage as a majority of it was truly my fault. It's a heavy guilt that I carry now everyday.



Honestly I'm not even thinking about meeting other women. If that day comes I want to make sure I'm 100% fixed with the issues I'm going to therapy for. How is she going to be in some relationship with some guy she met through Xbox Live. We live in Oregon the guy is in San Diego and is a "DJ" who lives with his brother. The dude probably couldn't even by a plane ticket up here. All it is in my eyes is some escape for her to not deal with reality.

My hopes are that it can be salvaged. She says she needs her space (yet we live together so her space is minimal texting and minimal physical contact) so I'm trying my best to give it to her, though I always slip up. I hope she misses me in time if I do give her space but fear that won't happen.



Unfortunately part of my past has infidelity involved which has been a big issue obviously. Honestly right now I prefer therapy on my own.

This is my point. If either or both of you are not willing to go to counseling together, you can keep your separate one too, then you do not actually want to be there but are just afraid to be alone. Both of you have infidelity issues and it might be time to look at the reality as to why. No one can force you to cheat, you and her made that decision on your own, just like me, out of fear of leaving

Edit: in a marriage falling apart it's never just one person's fault or another's. It's both

[IzVenomous]

Move out man

[Anthony21]

Going through this too however I am overseas until October. I did tons of jacked up stuff and so did she. I wanted to stay because of the kids and I "loved" her however as time goes you realize you cannot really go back to what it was that made you click because you both will go back to the same routine sadly. All I can is avoid as much conversation while you're at the house. Start accepting the reality and move forward. Try and find a new place unless the housing is bigger issue. Yeah I initially got over it quickly then you randomly will have a good talk thinking its okay then it goes to chit again. I still have to pay the mortgage and send more money than I should so my kids have an excellent quality of life. Only chitty part is when I go home for R&R I have to pay for a hotel instead of staying in the basement. All I can say is take it one day at a time, DO NOT beat yourself up. Chalk it up as a life lesson, the mistakes you made and she made. You will come to accept it more and more each day. PM me if you're trouble bro. As always, We are all going to make it.

It's hard to try to avoid conversation. I'm always wanting to talk to her but she never does. It doesn't help that I always bring up some emotional type sh!t though or some little smart ass jab at her relationship she has with this guy. She then immediately shuts off and wants nothing to do with me.

Financially I can't move out right now. I just started a new job and we're behind our mortgage on top of other bills. You're right about feeling like things may be looking up but then it takes one thing to easily change that. It's been happening to me all the time ever since this occurred.

Thanks for that bit of information. So it's an emotional affair and nothing more.



What have you done to fix this? Have you tried talking to her? What did your therapist tell you to do?

I'm taking actions instead of just talking. I'm going to therapy which I never did in the past. This was my problem. I never took the actions needed to save my marriage was we were together. It always took a big event for me to then go take action and try to change like what's happening now.

It is very much an emotional affair as she feels she has some sort of connection with this guy.

Your now EX wife, met a man on xbox live that she feels strongly about. Let that sink in, a grown women with 2 kids spends all day talking to another loser (cause if both of them are spending that much time on xbox then they are losers). I think that's an indication it is time to move on. You shouldn't even want to be with her, if she did some bullsht like that. Pack your bags, get up, tell your children the situation as best as you can and get the fck away from your ex wife. And file your divorce papers son.

It's not as easy as just upping and leaving unfortunately.

Fuk bro. Looks like she checked out. Can't convince someone to work it out when they don't want to.

Give it your all for a month, see if you can break her. Maybe you'll get lucky, but at the very least you'll realize in the end it's nothing that you can control.

Good luck

Yeah trust me that is a fear I have man. This separation occurred 11/23 and I've ben trying ever since.

I would get out of that house asap and find somone to stay with. There is nothing worse than living with a woman that you care about but she is lost and doesnt reciprocate the feelings back. Even if you have kids its better to split, its toxic as hell.
I know from experience. My ex ran back to her ex like a week and a half after we broke up.

It's hard man I don't want to leave but know staying there is doing more damage to me.

Anthony, honestly, you sound sort of like a piece of shiit.

You mentioned infidelity, letting the romance die, and not paying attention to your soon to be ex-wife as factors in your relationship, and now when you realize you are losing your grip on things and the family you took for granted, you're freaking out and want to go back. You took the power out of your own hands with your selfishness.

All you can do now is finally show her you're listening to her by giving her what she wants and showing her that you are ready to do what you need to do to fix things. Unfortunately I fear it might be too late.

Stop "slipping up" and commit to what your wife wants and commit to the course of your treatment and hope it falls in your favor. There's nothing you can do at this point except listen to her and hope that fixes things.

Trust me I know I'm a piece of sh!t. I'm trying to take the actions necessary to change to become a better person, father and hopefully husband for her but I fear that she'll not care at this point and won't want to see that. She has said she hopes me and her can reconnect again but for now we're both toxic together. Just hearing her say she has hope still for us in the future makes me feel there is still a chance.

This is my point. If either or both of you are not willing to go to counseling together, you can keep your separate one too, then you do not actually want to be there but are just afraid to be alone. Both of you have infidelity issues and it might be time to look at the reality as to why. No one can force you to cheat, you and her made that decision on your own, just like me, out of fear of leaving

Edit: in a marriage falling apart it's never just one person's fault or another's. It's both

Well the thing is I never brought up counseling together to her. I'm going for myself since a major problem in the marriage were my actions and me never correcting them.

Move out man

If it was only that easy bruh

[bornready223]

Something you're not giving her that this guy is. I would leave the house for a few days just to clear your head then have a talk with her. Don't torture yourself blaming yourself and being around her while she's involved with someone else. I understand you have daughters with this woman but you need to go some place else to have a clear mind.

[bornready223]

Your now EX wife, met a man on xbox live that she feels strongly about. Let that sink in, a grown women with 2 kids spends all day talking to another loser (cause if both of them are spending that much time on xbox then they are losers). I think that's an indication it is time to move on. You shouldn't even want to be with her, if she did some bullsht like that. Pack your bags, get up, tell your children the situation as best as you can and get the fck away from your ex wife. And file your divorce papers son.

I was thinking this basically..but tried the softer response instead.

[Anthony21]

Something you're not giving her that this guy is. I would leave the house for a few days just to clear your head then have a talk with her. Don't torture yourself blaming yourself and being around her while she's involved with someone else. I understand you have daughters with this woman but you need to go some place else to have a clear mind.

Financially right now I can't just dip out as much it may be needed. Plus transportation is limited since we only have one car .

[bornready223]

Financially right now I can't just dip out as much it may be needed. Plus transportation is limited since we only have one car .

So you have no friends or family close you can stay for a few days? I'm not saying find some place permanently and Uber is really popular for transportation. Do what needs to be done to help YOU have a better mindset so when you come back you will be ready to talk with her and accept the outcome of the conversation whether its what you want to hear or not. Im telling you, you will drive yourself crazy being around her and that damn xbox. Not a healthy home for the daughters. Find a way to leave, you're not trapped there.

[Anthony21]

So you have no friends or family close you can stay for a few days? I'm not saying find some place permanently and Uber is really popular for transportation. Do what needs to be done to help YOU have a better mindset so when you come back you will be ready to talk with her and accept the outcome of the conversation whether its what you want to hear or not. Im telling you, you will drive yourself crazy being around her and that damn xbox. Not a healthy home for the daughters. Find a way to leave, you're not trapped there.

Friends? Friends? Honestly none man. My life was pretty much her, my girls, work and lifting.

Plus last night I had a blow up with her. I got pissed she wouldn't even talk to me after I got home from work. I just wanted to see how her day was and talk to her at least more than 5 minutes. It blew up to her yelling for me to leave her a lone and how she hates me (she later apologized). I started packing up my clothes in trash bags and was going to head out even though I had no place to go to.

She said if I left I would have no contact with her and would have to go through my in laws when it came to our daughters. On top of that if I left she'd put a restraining order on me for some reason.