Ask Amris

[NYG]

isn't that against the rules seeing that your avatar has to be a picture of you?

[FullSack]

I hope your advice will be based on reality and not simply on what makes sense. Eg. "compliment her, make her feel special all the time". This type of advice lands a lot of guys up **** creek. Women have a tendency to give this type of bogus advice.

[Amris]

isn't that against the rules seeing that your avatar has to be a picture of you?

No, I don't think so, since it's a drawing of me. The artist took a few wrinkles out, I think I could do that with photoshop, so it's little different.

You could recognize me from the picture, and I think that's what matters. If you saw me and you saw the picture, you'd say it looks like me-- sans a wrinkle or two, freckle or two, and a pair of glasses.

[Amris]

I hope your advice will be based on reality and not simply on what makes sense. Eg. "compliment her, make her feel special all the time". This type of advice lands a lot of guys up **** creek. Women have a tendency to give this type of bogus advice.

I wouldn't worry too much about that... especially if you've read many of my posts, lol.

[legacyguy]

What's your take on young girls (18 to 25) these days with their immaturity and irresponsibility portrayed on pop culture media today? In your experience, do girls of that age really act the way reality and tv shows display?

[Amris]

What's your take on young girls (18 to 25) these days with their immaturity and irresponsibility portrayed on pop culture media today? In your experience, do girls of that age really act the way reality and tv shows display?

Yes, and no. For the most part, they act that way now because they've lost all sense of how to act. Currently, the dynamics of our culture have left both young men and young women without guidance. We are reaping the culture of the 80s, and it is not a good harvest.

[legacyguy]

Currently, the dynamics of our culture have left both young men and young women without guidance.

Would you clarify this more? What guidance are you referring too? Appropriate roll models?

We are reaping the culture of the 80s, and it is not a good harvest.

I'm very interested in knowing more specifics about this. How has the culture of the 80s effected the "harvest" of today's young adults?

[Amris]

Would you clarify this more? What guidance are you referring too? Appropriate roll models?

Role models, along with the abilities of teachers and parents to be involved in children's lives. Parents have become very self-absorbed, stuck in a rat-race predicated upon a social construct that practically deifies competition. This goes into the second question:

I'm very interested in knowing more specifics about this. How has the culture of the 80s effected the "harvest" of today's young adults?

The 80s were a culture of extremes. Both in the home, where women were expected to be "supermom" and "superhousekeeper," while also managing the impossible with their bodies. Women became drawn into the same culture of competition that men had thrived on for so long.

However, women are not really suited for this sort of paradigm. Women are more suited towards a community-based paradigm. These underpinnings of culture began to be vilified by the feminist movement.

Which is not to say that the feminist movement is bad. Indeed, it has been one of the most wonderful things to happen to our culture. It has, however, also been one of the worst. That's pretty typical, though... in the best of things, you can often find the worst of things, and this competitive feminist based movement is one of those things.

The competition among women undermined the community among women. Because women are the foundation of community, this undermining has had repercussions across all of the entire culture. In particular, it has made marketing to women far easier, but it has also made creating and maintaining communities much more difficult. Paranoia has increased, as women stop getting ot know each other and producing the foundations of community.

Unfortunately, men have basically encouraged this behavior among women, supporting them in becoming more separatist from one another and more competitive, by vilifying the "feminine attributes" of community and calling these attributes "weak" or "pathetic." The surge of freedom that women have experienced has unbalanced men and women alike.

Men, rather than welcome this freedom and recognize that women are indeed, equal, albeit NOT the "SAME," they have begun to compete with women as well. So now men and women both no longer have any place free of competition, and filled with community.

The 80s undermined community by supporting competition. Therefor, you see this dynamic played out en masse amongst young people. Young men are confused and don't know where they fit in. They instinctively don't want to compete with women, but they find themselves being competed against regardless, and become angry about this. Women also instinctively don't want to compete against each other and against men, but they don't want to be considered as "lesser."

Men and women both, in treating women as "lesser" who choose things like home-making or other "feminine pursuits," continue this confused and alienative dynamic.

[legacyguy]

The competition among women undermined the community among women. Because women are the foundation of community, this undermining has had repercussions across all of the entire culture. In particular, it has made marketing to women far easier, but it has also made creating and maintaining communities much more difficult.

Men, rather than welcome this freedom and recognize that women are indeed, equal, albeit NOT the "SAME," they have begun to compete with women as well. So now men and women both no longer have any place free of competition, and filled with community.

The 80s undermined community by supporting competition. Therefor, you see this dynamic played out en masse amongst young people. Young men are confused and don't know where they fit in. They instinctively don't want to compete with women, but they find themselves being competed against regardless, and become angry about this. Women also instinctively don't want to compete against each other and against men, but they don't want to be considered as "lesser."

Excellent and very detailed response. Unfortunately, it's going to go over the heads of the people who need to understand this and bring direction in their lives.

Speaking of which, the general quoting above is something that I find particularly interesting with concerns to miscommunication and incompatibility within relationships.

With society pitting women against men in direct competition where the gender lines are blurred, this also affects relationships and the standards that are normally involved in them. Men and women are learning that they must be independent and unrestricted in order to succeed in "life." These ideas of independence and no restrictions breaks down normal instinctual traits that are key to the success of traditional relationships. With the gender roles blurred, they find it much more difficult to enter into a relationship that typically requires compromises and set gender roles (which extreme feminism has worked to destroy in order to "empower" females). With this, I believe, comes the idea of "me first always" and "you second when I have time and it doesn't interfere with my goals" ... enter Generation ME.

I really fear for the success of this upcoming generation because of the morbid narcissism that is becoming more prevalent each year. What's sad is that I believe most of this generation learn to act this way due to lack of proper parenting and irresponsible marketing and corporatism.

On a much simpler note: With this thread made with you answering questions, what's your background and personal experience with relationships and life in general?

[quickups]

-Do you think it's different to attract an "average" girl compared to an above average or "hot" girl? If so, what advice can you give if a guy wanted to attract either type of girls?

-Do you believe that a girl or the one will come to you when you least expect it? I've thought about it quite more lately as I reflect on my past experiences and my friends' experiences as well. Why do you think this is true(or not)?

[Amris]

On a much simpler note: With this thread made with you answering questions, what's your background and personal experience with relationships and life in general?

*sigh* Always with the "what's your background" business. Can't it ever be enough that I'm reasonably intelligent and honest?

No, I suppose not.

I've gone to college to understand humanity and human sexuality (particularly, the relationships surrounding human sexuality). I've even practiced in it for a fair length of time.

No, I will not provide personal details. Take my suggestions at your own risk. If you need counseling, get a local counselor. For entertainment purposes only, etc. etc. etc. and bb.com cannot be held responsible if I jokingly tell you to take a flying leap, and you do so. Blahity blahity blah.

-Do you think it's different to attract an "average" girl compared to an above average or "hot" girl? If so, what advice can you give if a guy wanted to attract either type of girls?

Not really different, no. They'd like to believe they are, but usually the "hotter" ones are more insecure but more arrogant.

If you want to attract girls, figure out what your area of personal power is, and start to cultivate it. As you develop your personal power, whatever area it is in, you will start to have "that glow about you" that speaks of power, and that will be extremely attractive to all women.

At the end of the day, the vast majority of women are attracted to power.

Various women have different ways of recognizing power, but all are attracted to it. Some may see a man's morals as his power. Others may see money as power. Yet others physical strength.

Regardless, though, as you develop your personal area of power, your confidence will increase. Confidence is a kind of power that can be recognized by everyone, and therefor, is the wisest power to cultivate for yourself.

-Do you believe that a girl or the one will come to you when you least expect it? I've thought about it quite more lately as I reflect on my past experiences and my friends' experiences as well. Why do you think this is true(or not)?

The reason why this is so often true is because when you're "not looking," you don't radiate that subconscious body language of, "I need/want a partner." This needing/wanting is almost always combined with an insecurity, and as covered above, confidence is sexy, insecurity is not.

[legacyguy]

*sigh* Always with the "what's your background" business. Can't it ever be enough that I'm reasonably intelligent and honest?

No, I suppose not.

I've gone to college to understand humanity and human sexuality (particularly, the relationships surrounding human sexuality). I've even practiced in it for a fair length of time.

No, I will not provide personal details. Take my suggestions at your own risk. If you need counseling, get a local counselor. For entertainment purposes only, etc. etc. etc. and bb.com cannot be held responsible if I jokingly tell you to take a flying leap, and you do so. Blahity blahity blah.

You misunderstood why I asked. Given your response, I see you are tired of similar questions and a bit thin skinned concerning them.

I'll clarify: I asked because it is likely be to asked later and it helps me understand where someone is coming from if I know a bit about their background. It's common to do this to have a reasonably intelligent discourse. Now that is out of the way, great. Let's move on.

Since you are on the other side of the gender spectrum when 95% of this board is not, is there a simplistic categorization on types of women you have dealt with in your experience? I would think that men categorize women differently than women categorizing other women.

[quickups]

Not really different, no. They'd like to believe they are, but usually the "hotter" ones are more insecure but more arrogant.

If you want to attract girls, figure out what your area of personal power is, and start to cultivate it. As you develop your personal power, whatever area it is in, you will start to have "that glow about you" that speaks of power, and that will be extremely attractive to all women.

At the end of the day, the vast majority of women are attracted to power.

Various women have different ways of recognizing power, but all are attracted to it. Some may see a man's morals as his power. Others may see money as power. Yet others physical strength.

Regardless, though, as you develop your personal area of power, your confidence will increase. Confidence is a kind of power that can be recognized by everyone, and therefor, is the wisest power to cultivate for yourself.



The reason why this is so often true is because when you're "not looking," you don't radiate that subconscious body language of, "I need/want a partner." This needing/wanting is almost always combined with an insecurity, and as covered above, confidence is sexy, insecurity is not.

I'm having a hard time conceptualizing in my head "personal power". I think what you're trying to say is that personal power is something you're really good at? Like for example, I'm really passionate about working out and trying to stay healthy. Or is personal power attributes you excel at naturally? For me, alot of times I'm just a very intellectual person, would that be considered personal power?

I have NEVER thought about the concept of when you're not looking your body language changes. Good stuff.

[KennyK]

how have you been.

how's the little one?

[ranDOMED]

1. how to treat a girl who play hard to get
2. how to get out of friend zone

[Tiffany Wantsmore]

I'd like to ask your opinion about the whole "slut" thing. It appears, from the posts I've read on here, general belief is that men have to work for sex, whereas women don't, and that makes any woman with a healthy sexual appetite, who doesn't only have sex within the context of a relationship, a "slut".

Personally I support sexual freedom for women without the constraints of society labelling them, when all they're doing is living the sex life a man would love to have. Men look down on women who have sex, even though men spend their time trying to convince women to do exactly that (yes generalisation).

[Sounds Good]

whats your favorite thing to do on a first date

[musclebound2007]

Are you a relationship counselor or something of the sort? A love guru? What gives you the background to come on here and provide answers to people. We need to know your relationship experience before we can ask you for assistance. You may have only dated a few individuals, which wouldn't qualify you to answering our questions any better than when we make a thread.

Also that's a serious question. Do you have some psychology degree under your belt where you can evaluate a person's situation and come out with the best option? If so. Then go right ahead and assist.

[YuMadThough]

Why do people make threads for people to ask them questions when the whole point of the rh section is to ask questions and get advice?
just wondering.

...also welcome back.

[Fendi]

Why do people make threads for people to ask them questions when the whole point of the rh section is to ask questions and get advice?
just wondering.

...also welcome back.

Easier for Amris to find questions specifically aimed at her.

[Amris]

how have you been.

how's the little one?

I've been nutso busy! Lately, i've taken up gardening. Surprisingly enough, I am absolutely loving it.

My little one is fantastic! So smart it almost scares me, lol.

1. how to treat a girl who play hard to get
2. how to get out of friend zone

1. Show her that you are more interested in other women than her. Show you have a higher social value than her. Show her your confidence, and that your confidence is not impacted by her attitudes/opinions. Show her that you have a life and don't really care if you get her or not-- there are a billion or so women out there, give or take a few billion.

2. Don't get into friend zone to begin with. Once there, move on. You may eventually get out of friend zone, but you could have had a million other girls by that point in time. And believe me, they're ALL "special and unique."

I'd like to ask your opinion about the whole "slut" thing. It appears, from the posts I've read on here, general belief is that men have to work for sex, whereas women don't, and that makes any woman with a healthy sexual appetite, who doesn't only have sex within the context of a relationship, a "slut".

Personally I support sexual freedom for women without the constraints of society labelling them, when all they're doing is living the sex life a man would love to have. Men look down on women who have sex, even though men spend their time trying to convince women to do exactly that (yes generalisation).

There are problems with the concept of "sexual freedom," for both genders. I don't advocate that any gender, be it homosexuals, bisexuals, or heterosexuals (or any- transgenders, etc.) behave in a promiscuous manner. This creates an inner dynamic where the vast majority of people, men included, become quite jaded towards the opposite sex.

These random encounters, while they may give a momentary sense of smug empowerment, tend to undermine a person's sense of their body as being sacred, and the sense of other people's bodies being sacred. Additionally, as I stated before, it tends to create a very jaded attitude towards the opposite sex (or the gender the individual is attracted to, et al.).

whats your favorite thing to do on a first date

Get to know the person I'm dating. I'm not personally a big "bells and whistles" kind of gal.

Are you a relationship counselor or something of the sort? A love guru? What gives you the background to come on here and provide answers to people. We need to know your relationship experience before we can ask you for assistance. You may have only dated a few individuals, which wouldn't qualify you to answering our questions any better than when we make a thread.

Also that's a serious question. Do you have some psychology degree under your belt where you can evaluate a person's situation and come out with the best option? If so. Then go right ahead and assist.

Already answered this. However, it should be enough that my advice is sound and is freely offered. I shouldn't have to constantly defend my choice to offer honest and heartfelt advice.

Why do people make threads for people to ask them questions when the whole point of the rh section is to ask questions and get advice?
just wondering.

...also welcome back.

Thanks for the welcome!

I was invited via PM to create a thread for this purpose. I don't mind overmuch, except for the endless, "who the feck are you, that you DARE offer advice??!?!?! OMFGzorz!!!"

[musclebound2007]

Still don't know why you need a stickied thread.

[Amris]

Still don't know why you need a stickied thread.

I don't. Others seem to want me to have one so they can be sure to get my advice should they want it. If you don't like what I have to say, feel free not to ask me. I promise not to cry if you don't ask me anything.

Honest.

Well, okay, I won't cry publicly if you don't ask me anything.

Honest.

[LeftNut]

I was invited via PM to create a thread for this purpose. I don't mind overmuch, except for the endless, "who the feck are you, that you DARE offer advice??!?!?! OMFGzorz!!!"

Well I for one will be reading this thread aswell as the The Experiments with keen interest. There has been far too much B/s posted on these boards as of late and its good to see the old posters who gave excellent advice previously, back to tell it how it is.

[musclebound2007]

I don't. Others seem to want me to have one so they can be sure to get my advice should they want it. If you don't like what I have to say, feel free not to ask me. I promise not to cry if you don't ask me anything.

Honest.

Well, okay, I won't cry publicly if you don't ask me anything.

Honest.

Alright. You seem to satisfy my desire for an answer. So carry on.

Got a question lol.

How much is too much, for a male to stand his ground when he has a girlfriend? Like basically not allowing the female to walk over him or anything. I have had females walk over me in the past, because I try to be a nice boyfriend. But now, I am a tad different. To the point that I stand my ground very firmly, but I don't want my girlfriend thinking I am some a-hole. Is there a gray area in standing my ground, and getting my point across if I am not agreeing with something, without coming across as an a-hole?

[Amris]

How much is too much, for a male to stand his ground when he has a girlfriend? Like basically not allowing the female to walk over him or anything. I have had females walk over me in the past, because I try to be a nice boyfriend. But now, I am a tad different. To the point that I stand my ground very firmly, but I don't want my girlfriend thinking I am some a-hole. Is there a gray area in standing my ground, and getting my point across if I am not agreeing with something, without coming across as an a-hole?

You know, really, when it's all done and said, if you honestly don't want to do something, that's the time to stand up for yourself. One of the biggest problems in our society is that we are taught this "it's better to give than to receive" idea. This idea is okay on its basis... but it creates a dynamic in which we begin to believe that our own needs are unimportant.

If you take care of your own needs, and ensure that they are met, then you leave the other person free to meet her own needs. Ultimately, in any relationship, seeing that your needs are met is what keeps you in the relationship.

Where the line is, is when you begin to get your needs met AT HER EXPENSE. When it harms the other person, then it has passed the point.

You can bend sometimes, too. It's okay to show some human kindness. Use some intelligence and discretion. When she's pushing, then stand your ground. When she genuinely appears to be wanting something that's not really all that big of a deal to you, compromise. That's what marks a good man from a controlling jerk.

The main key, from what I've seen, is to stand your ground because it's the right thing to do, rather than standing your ground in order to be in control.

[musclebound2007]

You know, really, when it's all done and said, if you honestly don't want to do something, that's the time to stand up for yourself. One of the biggest problems in our society is that we are taught this "it's better to give than to receive" idea. This idea is okay on its basis... but it creates a dynamic in which we begin to believe that our own needs are unimportant.

If you take care of your own needs, and ensure that they are met, then you leave the other person free to meet her own needs. Ultimately, in any relationship, seeing that your needs are met is what keeps you in the relationship.

Where the line is, is when you begin to get your needs met AT HER EXPENSE. When it harms the other person, then it has passed the point.

You can bend sometimes, too. It's okay to show some human kindness. Use some intelligence and discretion. When she's pushing, then stand your ground. When she genuinely appears to be wanting something that's not really all that big of a deal to you, compromise. That's what marks a good man from a controlling jerk.

The main key, from what I've seen, is to stand your ground because it's the right thing to do, rather than standing your ground in order to be in control.

The thing with my situation is that, there are some stuff that she does or her reaction sometimes gets me upset. Like I am a very laid back person, a true b.ser and so forth. So I am always making jokes and so forth, but I am learning to balance being a b.ser and then being a boyfriend who can provide her what she needs emotionally. But sometimes when she gets me upset or does something to get me upset, I am the type that tends to make it known that what she said wasn't cool and I don't appreciate it. And then I get up and I leave for a good minute and go do something else.

Sometimes if we're talking and she does upset me, I put my headphones on and listen to my music. Music helps me to calm down. I don't want to say something I'd regret, especially with her, so I try to stay calm.

So do you think my approach is fine? Or is there a better way to approach the situation rather then getting up and leaving for a minute?

Because I have noticed when she's done something to upset me or react in a manner that I don't appreciate, I can see her face totally change and she becomes like so sad and everything. It's why I can't keep being mad with her for long. But yet I don't want her to think that every time she does something, she can give me a sad face and I will run to her.

How do I stand my ground, but also not make her feel as if I don't care about her...if that makes sense.

[Amris]

I would say that approach is fine. Although, when she does it, you need to let her know that she's done something, if it's not obvious that she has. For example, she snaps at you, and you get up and walk away, then she realizes she did something...

Instead, she snaps at you, you stop and look at her, and say, "I'm not up for you taking **** out on me. Do it again, and I'm going to have to go somewhere and take a 10 minute break or so, so that I don't say something nasty to you."

Make your expectations known, because then they become boundaries. Boundaries are spoken and known, and the consequences for them are spoken and known.

This is how you show that you care... you tell her your boundaries, AND what happens if she crosses them. This is giving her an opportunity to choose whether or not that is a consequence she wants to face at this time. Sometimes, she may be fine with that consequence. Sometimes, she may not. But at least she'll know them, and have no room to complain.

Walking away when you are angry is actually a VERY wise way to cope with upset/irritation. It's what you would be advised to do if you were to seek help in learning healthy manners of dealing with anger or irritation.

So over-all, I'd say that, so long as you are making it clear what happened, and why she has recieved a specific consequence (you walking away), then you are doing exactly what you need to do.

[musclebound2007]

I would say that approach is fine. Although, when she does it, you need to let her know that she's done something, if it's not obvious that she has. For example, she snaps at you, and you get up and walk away, then she realizes she did something...

Instead, she snaps at you, you stop and look at her, and say, "I'm not up for you taking **** out on me. Do it again, and I'm going to have to go somewhere and take a 10 minute break or so, so that I don't say something nasty to you."

Make your expectations known, because then they become boundaries. Boundaries are spoken and known, and the consequences for them are spoken and known.

This is how you show that you care... you tell her your boundaries, AND what happens if she crosses them. This is giving her an opportunity to choose whether or not that is a consequence she wants to face at this time. Sometimes, she may be fine with that consequence. Sometimes, she may not. But at least she'll know them, and have no room to complain.

Walking away when you are angry is actually a VERY wise way to cope with upset/irritation. It's what you would be advised to do if you were to seek help in learning healthy manners of dealing with anger or irritation.

So over-all, I'd say that, so long as you are making it clear what happened, and why she has recieved a specific consequence (you walking away), then you are doing exactly what you need to do.

Awesome. I am doing all the things you said. I just feel bad sometimes opposing her behavior, being I care about her that much. But I don't want her to think she can walk all over me. Been there, done that and don't want to go through it again. So thanks again!

[YuMadThough]

I was invited via PM to create a thread for this purpose. I don't mind overmuch, except for the endless, "who the feck are you, that you DARE offer advice??!?!?! OMFGzorz!!!"

Haha ok, you're one of the rare few women that does actually give good advice so its cool.

I have a question not related to dating.... why are most women so obsessed with shoes?, is it purely just a social conditioning thing or do womens shoes come with some kind of special magical fairy dust that men just arent aware about?
I dun get it lol, whats the fascination?