Ask Amris

[Amris]

Some of you around here seem to want to keep your newly acquired girlfriends. This thread is for you. If you're a budding "playah" and don't care what happens after the first ****, well, there are plenty of posts to help you out.

I see a lot of "how to get women" posts around, and then I see also a fair number of "well, I got her, then I lost her" posts. I'll leave the "how to get her" posts to guys, who are, I assume, much better at picking up women than I am.

However, having been in a total of 4 long term relationships in the past, being currently in a successful one, and having only "failed" at one of the past ones, I feel I can offer a different form of advice. With any luck, some of the guys around the forum who are in long term relationships can correct, add to, or clarify for me, and we'll have a reasonably interesting thread going on here.

Anyhow, without further disclaimers, here's some advice:

---Most important of all... ask yourself HONESTLY... is this girl sane, or is she whackyburgers? If she's whackyburgers, nothing will help, guys. I'm sorry. You cannot, no matter what you do, "love her out of it." If she's mistrusting, she'll never trust you. It's that simple. You can't "show her that you're worthy of trust" because she simply doesn't trust- regardless of you. Like or leave it, that is FACT about human nature.


-- First off, I would like to start with the "counter" to the normal advices given when "getting" women.

* Advice: Be unavailable
* Long term advice: Be unavailable most of the time. But relax with this some after a while.
....* The problem: Often, guys relax this TOO far!!
........~ The solution: Be available 2 out of three times, no more. If you answered the last 2 calls, don't answer this one. Call her or write to her ONCE. If she returns it, go ahead. If not, then wait two days. Anything else, and you've passed into puppydogville. Bad dog!


* Advice: Don't let her know you want her.
* Long term advice: Let her tell you that she loves and wants you first- this maintains a mystery about you. Tell her sometimes that you love her as well after that.
...* The problem: Guys can sometimes go from cool and aloof to "I love you" and "I need you" and "I can't live without you" almost nonstop- and almost always in response to anytime that she pulls away some
......~ The solution: Never tell her you need her. Even if she asks. Firstly- you DON'T. Second- no matter what she THINKS, it is always better to be WANTED than NEEDED. Last- this is puppydog syndrome again! Fetch Bruno!


* Advice: Don't call her for two days.
* Long term advice: Don't call her for two days if she doesn't return your call. Make her come to you!!
...* The problem: Too often, guys are afraid that if they don't hold onto her desperately, she'll never come back. This is insecurity! Insecurity is the relationship killer!
......~ The solution: Let her come back to you. If you really honestly DO want her to come back... you cannot pursue her, even during a relationship. Chasing her shows you "NEED" instead of "WANT" and showing need grants the needed thing POWER OVER YOU.



---Secondly, I would like to go into some general advice that I have for you:

* Don't keep yourself totally distant from her. This works well at first, but keep in mind... YOU don't want ever to end up feeling unwanted while in a relationship... don't do it to her, either. SOME giving away of your feelings is required. Otherwise, she's left feeling used- as if you are there for sex or god-knows-what, but not her.
~ Don't proclaim it nonstop! Make her come to you for it sometimes. Make her ask. After she asks, you can "melt" for a little while. Open up to her when she comes to you needing it.

* Don't let her be the boss all the time.
~ This should be self explanatory, but let me elaborate. To keep harmony in your relationship (and because often, you simply won't CARE about the issue at hand), there are good reasons to give in and not fuss over something. Yeah, yeah, "pussywhipped" whatever. Adult men know that sometimes, it's just not that important.

Men are better at this than women are. Sorry, but you just are. Women are less likely to be able to see the importance of letting things go. Again, not always true, but often. In this respect, you are most likely more mature than she is. In other areas, she is most likely more mature than you are. Use your strengths to maintain harmony. It's worth it.

* Don't allow (yes, I'm a woman, and I just said 'don't allow') her to become sedentary at home. Ensure that even if you decide it's okay for her not to work, that she do SOMETHING outside of the home.
~ Humans will willingly follow the flow, the path of least resistance. If you allow her to sit home and do nothing, she will. It will create problems for you and for her... No deadbeat feels good about themself. NONE. Not even the most narcissistic (that means selfish, basically, though a bit more complex) person can be a deadbeat and not lose self respect. So don't allow her to throw her self-respect in the toilet.

* DO absolutely demand your equality.
~ Women talk a lot about equality. But the problem is, too often nowdays, it becomes "entitlement" instead. They think they are "owed something" and don't need to contribute as much as men do. This is not healthy for her, and not healthy for you, and HORRIBLE for the relationship. Stand up for yourself, stand your ground. She isn't allowed anything you're not: She goes out with girlfriends? You go out with guy friends. She doesn't have to work and doesn't do anything around the house? She gets no money and a time ultimatum to leave.

I'll add posts as I think of other things. I'm certain this is already a long enough read.


Note: This first thread of advice was merged with the new one created. The new thread begins on page 4/Post 120
-Duke

[system]

Amris,

You're on a roll today. . .

[user3212465]

Amris, what if me and my ex brokeup and we became friends, and then got into a fight; leaving on a bad note. We stopped talking and haven't talked in a week. Should I not make the effort to call her back? Should I let her be the one to contact me? I'm giving her space, but has it been long enough?

[Amris]

Amris, what if me and my ex brokeup and we became friends, and then got into a fight; leaving on a bad note. We stopped talking and haven't talked in a week. Should I not make the effort to call her back? Should I let her be the one to contact me? I'm giving her space, but has it been long enough?

You can call her if you want to, but since you are exs, and "just friends", all you will be doing is crawling back to her. Unless you felt like you were on the verge of reuniting.

I don't mean to be harsh, but basically, if you did something wrong, then you could call ONCE and apologize without loss of pride/male dignity, but not again.

If she did something wrong that caused the bad note, you will be sacrificing your pride for no reason whatsoever by crawling back to her.


I think you need to let her go. If you call more than once, though, you have moved into being a stalker, since you're already broken up. Sorry I don't have better news for you.

[user3212465]

You can call her if you want to, but since you are exs, and "just friends", all you will be doing is crawling back to her. Unless you felt like you were on the verge of reuniting.

I don't mean to be harsh, but basically, if you did something wrong, then you could call ONCE and apologize without loss of pride/male dignity, but not again.

If she did something wrong that caused the bad note, you will be sacrificing your pride for no reason whatsoever by crawling back to her.


I think you need to let her go. If you call more than once, though, you have moved into being a stalker, since you're already broken up. Sorry I don't have better news for you.

It was sort of both of our faults, but more on my part; a misunderstanding. We got into an argument over it. I called her to apologize a few days later and she didn't respond, so I called again and we talked for a few minutes where I apologized. Then I called her the next day. I guess that was "moving into being a stalker"?

I decided to leave her alone after that and do my own thing.

Also, I'm really not sure what we are. We change from friends to something more and back. I decided to stay away from each other to let things settle and to move away from any feelings.

I was going to call her to show her that I didn't disappear, but that I'm also not desperate for her attention anymore. If she picked up, I would talk, if not I would leave it at that.

I've moved on, but don't want to end all contact with her.

Should I not bother or call and see what happens?

[Amris]

You called too much. Let it go. If she wants to come back, she will. If she doesn't want to come back, all you will be doing is giving up your male dignity.

Not worth it. Especially if you don't know your status with her.

Believe me, in the end, you will just look like a fool.

If you call, and don't leave a message because she didn't pick up, that will be stalker behavior FOR CERTAIN, by the way. No matter how well-meaning.

[user3212465]

You called too much. Let it go. If she wants to come back, she will. If she doesn't want to come back, all you will be doing is giving up your male dignity.

Not worth it. Especially if you don't know your status with her.

Believe me, in the end, you will just look like a fool.

If you call, and don't leave a message because she didn't pick up, that will be stalker behavior FOR CERTAIN, by the way. No matter how well-meaning.

Okay, I won't call. I didn't think girls thought that deeply about it at 17 lol.

[Amris]

Okay, I won't call. I didn't think girls thought that deeply about it at 17 lol.

They don't... it's unconscious. But it still works that way, even if they can't quite put a finger on it, etc.

[user3212465]

They don't... it's unconscious. But it still works that way, even if they can't quite put a finger on it, etc.

You're a female right?

So, if I called her and she checked her phone and saw my name, she would be like "ugh, why is he calling me again...?" or "oh, its him!"

I would think after a week, the conflict would go away and she would actually be excited to hear from me.

[Amris]

IF she still likes you, and doesn't feel you're being stalkerish. You have to understand, how she FELT about you, and how she FEELS about you, may not be the same.

If she's upset with you, she will look at your name on there and think "ugh". If she's happy with you, she'll look and go, "YEEEEAH!".

And you have no way to know, except that you called and she didn't call back. That means she isn't coming back to you willingly.


Furthermore... let me just tell you this... do NOT underestimate the average woman's ability to hold a grudge. Some of us (god bless) border on obsession with holding grudges and being angry for days, if not weeks, sometimes months, and in certain cases, YEARS.

A week is NOTHIN for many women, honey. Believe me.



(Yes, I am a woman)

[user3212465]

IF she still likes you, and doesn't feel you're being stalkerish. You have to understand, how she FELT about you, and how she FEELS about you, may not be the same.

If she's upset with you, she will look at your name on there and think "ugh". If she's happy with you, she'll look and go, "YEEEEAH!".

And you have no way to know, except that you called and she didn't call back. That means she isn't coming back to you willingly.


Furthermore... let me just tell you this... do NOT underestimate the average woman's ability to hold a grudge. Some of us (god bless) border on obsession with holding grudges and being angry for days, if not weeks, sometimes months, and in certain cases, YEARS.

A week is NOTHIN for many women, honey. Believe me.



(Yes, I am a woman)

oh, lol I thought a week was a while...I guess that is just from a guy's perspective.

[sword chucks]

a week is a while to me lol, i break after 2-3 days

[Amris]

What I'm trying to tell him, though, is that even mad, if she wanted him around, she'd have called him back. OR, she's playing games with his head... either way, he's better off walking away.

[Donster]

a week is a while to me lol, i break after 2-3 days

Try 2.5 months! She contacts me outta the blue, kinda wanting to be friends and get back in my good books. This was three days ago, and i aint contacting her man. I went as far as deleting her number 2 months ago, burning her pics and her tshirt etc she gave me.

I over-reacted, we broke up over a misunderstanding on my part. She stops all communication as do i. And then gets back in touch....

Women are confused animals.....and i am grateful for the time i spent with her coz i learned a whole lot about falling for someone and **** hitting the fan!

Peace...

I used to run to her to apologise, and well i stopped running for nearly three months......and now she wants to come back....meh!

[Donster]

Furthermore... let me just tell you this... do NOT underestimate the average woman's ability to hold a grudge. Some of us (god bless) border on obsession with holding grudges and being angry for days, if not weeks, sometimes months, and in certain cases, YEARS.

A week is NOTHIN for many women, honey. Believe me.



(Yes, I am a woman)

If i could rep you 10 times i would.....This is definetly the best advice here....

[Buck Futt]

Thank you for a very good and needed topic. In the very least, from this topic I have learned how to use the italics and bold commands for my posts. Who says you can't learn something from a woman?

But seriously, I'll come right out and say it: mature and healthy people want their relationships to work. But because of different reasons, they are in various stages of want and therefore either turn out as playas or as otherwise undateable people (jealous, controlling, non-committal, argumentative, dismissive, unresponsive, abusive, etc.). I think quite simply these people have a problem making a clear distinction between what you very truthfully pointed out, that people these days seem to be confusing what they wantvs. what they need. We should all right this minute make a list of the things we absolutely cannot LIVE without to realize the difference. Everything that is not essential to immediate life (food, water, shelter, clothing, safety, etc.) is simply just a want. Coming to terms with that sobering thought puts relationships in their proper perspective.

I have to admit that I occasionally get called a "playa" by a few of the women I have dated because I tend to date different women simultaneously. Not dating in terms of relationships, but dating in terms of going out and having fun every couple of weeks. The reason I do this is because before committing to or leaving a relationship, I want to get to know her first. I don't want to feel pressured for a dating relationship to work but I will also not stop dating other people while I date any particular woman if there is no commitment there. Therefore I will continue to date different women casually until I find the right woman worth getting into a relationship with. Once that happens, I'm a good guy, no more casual dating. Sure, If I have 1 bad date with a woman, if I like her and she interests me I'll still go out with her again, just to determine if the attitude was just a case of nerves or if that day she was in a bad mood. However, if there is a pattern, I don't date her again. Done, outta here, it's over. Because kind of like you said, you can't change someone from a loser into a winner...however, you also can't hang around a skunk without some of the stink rubbing off...so to avoid any unnecessary trouble, I never date these women again.

However, I will admit that I have on occasion dated women who only wanted sex. Did it cheapen me or make me lose self-respect? No. Because sex is great and if we both want it without commitment, then so be it; we're both adults. But I can make the distinction: I want it, but I don't need it. She has to know that we're just f-buddies if that's all we're going to do. No mistakes and no confusion.

Make no mistake, I am looking for the right woman to spend my life with, but I am having a lot of fun in the meantime and I know that in the end, I don't need to have Ms. Right. After all, it is fun to date lots of women because I no longer am caught up in whining about "where is Ms. Right?" b.s. that I did when I was younger. Dating and learning about other people really is fun and that has taken all the pressure off. So I think if I could have taken my younger self aside a few years ago and given that younger man some advice, I would have said "listen here sonny, take it easy, the right woman will come. Don't force it. Just enjoy dating a lot right now and NEVER under any circumstances settle for less than you deserve. Even if it means that you never find her and you wind up dying alone and never having any children, NEVER settle for someone who doesn't love you and respect you like you deserve.".

However, you bring up many great points about mistakes guys make. In my younger days my biggest mistake was to go from the "cool, calm and collected" attitude I usually have---and which attracted her in the first place---changing over to "I'm yours" and going to great lengths to make a woman feel loved. That was my biggest fault: doing too much. Every time that happened I got dumped. About 3 year ago after my marriage ended, I realized that my ex had simply lost all challenge and got tired of having her way and living on a pedastal. So I changed my approach. I now reflect the "cool, calm and collected" attitude no matter where the relationship is and I haven't been dumped in the last 5 or 6 serious relationships I was in. However, the reason I left those relationships is because my girl selector button was in need of a tune up and all the problems in my relationships were caused by me....not because I was some horrible a**hole, but because I was choosing the wrong women! When that light came on it was like a bolt of lightning and helped me to realize that I probably wasn't ready for a serious commitment because I just hadn't met the right woman.

So in a nutshell, I date a lot of women these days because in order to find Ms. Right, I know I'll have to wade through a lot of Ms. Wrongs to get to her. I have no problem doing that and so I'll find contentment in the process for now. In dating a lot of women my dating skills have improved greatly and now I can determine in fewer dates who is worthy and who is not because I know what I can live with and what I won't put up with. Less pain and more success...because my girl selector button is working well again.

Great topic Amris. Your advice will help many.

[Amris]

Excellent post, Buck. You make very valid points, particularly about young people jumping far too quickly into relationships and thinking they've found "the one."

And thank you for contributing to my thread, by the way.

[ispy]

Amris - good post.

What's a "whackyburger"?

[The Masterpeice]

Amris - good post.

What's a "whackyburger"?

crazy b*tch

[Toph]

Amris, what if me and my ex brokeup and we became friends, and then got into a fight; leaving on a bad note. We stopped talking and haven't talked in a week. Should I not make the effort to call her back? Should I let her be the one to contact me? I'm giving her space, but has it been long enough?

Ask Auntie Amris

[braindx]

I'm impressed Amris, especially since you are a woman (no sexist remark intended ). GJ

[SniperChick]

I'm impressed Amris, especially since you are a woman (no sexist remark intended ). GJ

Lol, funny stuff...

Anyway, great post/thread. We need more of THIS in the RH section!

[Nainoa]

What I'm trying to tell him, though, is that even mad, if she wanted him around, she'd have called him back. OR, she's playing games with his head... either way, he's better off walking away.

^^^^

On SDP's predicament...

Now far be it for me as a guy to try to lock down the thinking of a woman... But I like to say that I've found the path to a successful relationship by a process of elimination...

In my bizare litany of mistakes over the years one of the things that I've found is that a woman will reach a point where the relationship has hit a down ward slide that has gone on long enough... On the one hand she'll still care about you (As the guy) but she'll also have resigned to the notion that it's just "Too Much Work."

The milk has spoiled, and there's no since putting it back into the fridge only to sniff it each day to find that it's turned more punk and sour than the day before... So she tries to fade away slowly as if "Weaning the Guy" off of her and out of each other's lives, because she feels it's the proactive thing to do.

In the end there comes a point where she "Just doesn't call back."

And the guy is stuck wondering... Then a strange desperation to understand why kicks in and you go a little crazy inside trying to figure it out. You just have to do what you have to do to let it go, and find a way and a time to move on...
(Note this doesn't always mean... "Move on to the next girl.)

****

The reality is that it just happens in this life... And that a HUGE chunk of relationships we have fail simply for the fact that we need them to fail so we'd have something to learn from so we can one day in the future "Be all we can be" in that long lasting adult relationship.

***
The real key in it all for guys, as well as girls is to accept that you're a work in progress... Keep going, spend a little bit of time each day getting to know yourself, and improve yourself. And understand that the only path to a "Healthy and Happy Relationship" is by becoming personally accountable and more mature...

All too often we rush into relationships out of Emotional lonliness... We persue this concept of "The One" hoping and figuring that it'll be some kind of Jerry McGuire-esque scene... Where you look at them at say "You complete me."

Honestly that's a bunch of Hog-****... A Successful healthy relationship is NOTt... Half a Person + Half Person = Happy couple... What it equals is two people living what Thoreau called "A life of quiet desperation." Tearing each other apart and stagnating in co-dependency.

A Successful happy relationship can only be found when you add a Complete person + A Complete Person.

***
Bottomline if you want to have a successful relationship, you have to put in the leg work long before you even catch her eye from across the room.

[Geno]

Let's see.....first I tear off your shirt, ripping it into strips and running them through the large eye bolts behind the bed. Then tie your hands with the shreds of your blouse, one on each side. After you are secured then I will be blindfolding you (a little roughly), stripping off the rest of your clothes piece by piece and with a long, very pliable feather I'll lightly touch you in random places - stomach, upper arms, neck, ears, nipples, inside your thighs, across the backs of your knees, armpit (since I have your arms tied up high and you can't hide your cute little armpits from me - exposed for all the world to abuse). Then I'll leave the room and let you wonder what's next for a while. About the time you think I've left you and I'm not coming back, I'll begin to kiss and suck on you - first your arms since they are so vulnerable up over your head and stretched tight, then your armpits, breasts, belly (paying special attention to your navel), thighs, legs, feet and toes.

At this point you are dripping and moaning. While you are enjoying being touched gently and aroused beyond the norm of sexual play I will SPANK your cute little butt. Alternately touching you lightly with a sensual hand or feather and SPANKING your cute little ass. This will continue for at least twenty minutes - never knowing where or what will come next - it may be a soft caress or it may be a sharp smack causing pain but, at the same time, an intensely sexual sensory experience. You are now dripping, moaning and orgasming on a regular basis.

I leave again. Frustrated, you pull against your bonds in a futile attempt to at least remove your blindfold and, finally exhausted, you give up and lie there wondering what, if anything will be next.

When I return you sense another presence in the room. My lips caress you and kiss you but another pair of lips begins to do the same. You wonder what I'm doing and who is seeing you in this situation when hard nipples brush your belly as the other person suckles your breast giving away the fact that it is a girl but nothing more. Unable to see or touch the stranger and ..................

Want more? Want rough play instead of this sugar coated niceness? Do you even know what you want?

So if this was an email I recently sent to my lover - does this make me whackyburgers?

[Amris]

Though I know you're being a smartass, I'll answer you anyhow.


If you've talked with her already, and are certain that she's responsive to, and enjoys the idea of, bondage (as well as welcomes the presence of the other woman), then certainly not.

However, if you make assumptions that she would enjoy this, without prior knowledge of her background or likes or dislikes (meaning a conversation to this nature), then yes, it could be considered a bit whackyburgers.

[Geno]

Though I know you're being a smartass, I'll answer you anyhow.


If you've talked with her already, and are certain that she's responsive to, and enjoys the idea of, bondage (as well as welcomes the presence of the other woman), then certainly not.

However, if you make assumptions that she would enjoy this, without prior knowledge of her background or likes or dislikes (meaning a conversation to this nature), then yes, it could be considered a bit whackyburgers.

Actually I wasn't being a smartass - I was interested in your opinion. I also agree with it in it's entirety. Making assumptions of this sort are one of the fastest ways to end the relationship. Thanks Amris.

[Geno]

Before her and one other I was very reticent to pull hair, spank, be rough at all (let alone be really rough). It has been an enlightening experiance.

[Amris]

Early dating advice:


Be cool. Don't try to do something that doesn't come naturally. Being funny is great advice... but if you're making a lot of jokes at her expense, it's not so good. A few is okay. IF you can keep it to a few.

Don't belittle other people- ESPECIALLY other women. If she does it, just refuse to participate.

Don't compliment other women in front of her.

Don't compliment her directly- an admiring look when you see her is great, but flattery will come off as insincere, or worse- sucking up/ clinginess.

Do try to dress nicely, but don't try to be GQ if you're not. Don't go all out on it... save that good impression for if you decide she's a keeper.

Do be polite to the people around you- how you treat others reflects on how you'll treat her later after you're not on your best behavior due to familiarity.

Don't rescue her a lot. (Over-protective is 'teh yuks')

Do be graceful and accept compliments without "humbly" disagreeing. This is super yuck, and not true humility! Just say, "Thank you!" and go on with the date.

[Jhendi82]

I have a question for you Amris, in your own opinion do women prefer to take a new relationship slow and not rush things? I know about giving each other sopace, and never having a problem with her hanging out with her friends and vice versus. But is there a time in the beginning where you two just need to not talk for a few days?

[Amris]

I have a question for you Amris, in your own opinion do women prefer to take a new relationship slow and not rush things? I know about giving each other sopace, and never having a problem with her hanging out with her friends and vice versus. But is there a time in the beginning where you two just need to not talk for a few days?

Yes... but not because she wants it that way. Most women don't think they do. The problem is, it's unhealthy to rush into things. This is another area where men can take charge in the relationship and not allow something unhealthy to occur. Too many people (both genders) do not give the relationship time to blossom and grow.

Because, by and large, women are much more social than men, they will have a tendency to want to socialize a LOT with an attractive fellow. But then they'll (without understanding why or even realizing it's happening) begin to get "tired" of the guy... IF he allows it.

There ARE good reasons why guys tell each other things like "don't call for two days." It is good advice, and if you DO want a relationship to work- you have to be the one that prevents this "instant superglue" effect, because women don't realize it will kill their feelings for the guy in the end... but men know this (experienced men, I mean), and this is why they tell each other this.

They may not know HOW it works, but they know it DOES work. Don't discount the advice of your fellow men, unless you see that they are "woman haters," because these "woman haters" have a history of hosing relationships, and not knowing why or how. They then get angry and frustrated. So they are not your best places to get advice. Look to men who are experienced but not jaded, or who are in a long-term and HAPPY relationship. Or, in the rare case, to women who are willing and able to talk openly with you. (something we are taught not to do- it will scare men off! )