Is it really that I "don't understand"?

[cheneynuts]

Okay, this is a sensitive subject for me and I'm so sorry in advance if I offend anyone.

My mother has never been the skinniest person (at least, since she brought me into this world). Over the past 5-10 years she's gotten very big. I know for a fact she's been over 200 pounds for the past few years and i'd even guess her at 220 after seeing her today. She's got depression problems, is pre-menopausal and has put on some weight from her body changing, getting older and some depression meds. I understand. She also hates her job, my dad's not the nicest person in the world to her and she's, of course, unhappy with her weight.

She's worked in the same restaurant (very unhealthy one) for about 25 years, but has been working in the back office for about 10. I know it's hard to eat well there, I worked there for a while myself, but lunches could easily be solved if she brought her own. Unfortunately, that's an effort she doesn't care to make.
I know my father's been trying to help her out (they're still married and living together) For a while he was making her a fruit salad and sending it with her to work. I've seen him politely remind her to set her fork down between bites. I know he knows what he's talking about-he's the reason i'm athletic. He's also fit. I just hate to see how she becomes so upset with anyone trying to help her. He'll suggest (again politely) to fully chew and take small bites yada yada yada and she'll tear up and snap at him.

We all just want her to be around past 60, you know? And we tell her that, but she just says "I know" and continues her bad practices.

My parents bought a very nice teadmill and she was using for a while, but slowly stopped, it got moved to the basement and is just collecting dust.

I've said "Hey, I joined this nice new gym, why don't you come with me some morning and we can have some girl time"

She's always made some excuse and it never happens. I even offered to pay for a personal trainer for her, she has always talked about how she would love to have one, but she won't go.

Well today a lot of my family was at my older sisters house, who was trying on a bride's maid dress. My mother was lying on the bed playing with her grandkids having a good time. She was holding onto my niece (just turned 1) and started laughing about something. She proceeded to somehow wiggle around and nearly drop the baby and land on top of her. My cousin caught the kid and my mom seriously just fell right off the bed from not being able to balance her body almost landing on the baby.

She then proceeded to nearly pee her self while sneezing, ran off to pee and returned not realizing she about crushed her granddaughter.

Okay, fine, I ignored it. So I again said, hey, lets go to the gym tomorrow morning. Again she resisited with some BS excuse about having to 'watch stocks' for my dad. Fine, whatever.

Well i've been wanting to show her a few profiles on this site (chickentuna and judimax) whom I think could be really inspiring for her. (mom's only 46) I politely showed her how I felt these women could be inspiring to her and she walks away, bursts into tears and says she's sick of everyone calling her fat.
I told her I've never once called her fat and would just like her to come with me to work out - just try it once.
She continues to tear up.
Me: Mom, when have I ever called you fat?
Mom: Never...
My cousin (female, 25, kinda like me, thick around the hips-def not fat):You've never been fat, you just don't understand.

I don't understand? I don't understand? I know i've never been 'fat' but I beg to differ that I don't understand. My mother turns and says its genetics. Really?! Really. That's why I don't look anything like her. I KNOW she could EASILY drop 50 pounds if she just made an effort. But she won't. She continues to make excuses, smuggle boxes of oreos into the house and eat them all in one sitting.

I can't even begin to tell you the crap she eats. You know those DISGUSTING hamburger helper singles - with the MEAT IN THE BAG!? yeah, she LOVES those.

she wont give up soda. REFUSES to even try diet. I tell her - try it for one week you won't even notice. No.

She complained about the birthday cake (but still ate it) today because my sister made it healthy and put flaxseed in it. There was no way to tell! She purposely resists any healthy alternatives.



I know I can't force her to want to change, she has to want it for herself. But am I really supposed to just sit idly by while she eats taco bell burritos and tells me she's borderline diabetic with high blood pressure?

Maybe I really don't understand...

[potatoe]

Okay, this is a sensitive subject for me and I'm so sorry in advance if I offend anyone.

My mother has never been the skinniest person (at least, since she brought me into this world). Over the past 5-10 years she's gotten very big. I know for a fact she's been over 200 pounds for the past few years and i'd even guess her at 220 after seeing her today. She's got depression problems, is pre-menopausal and has put on some weight from her body changing, getting older and some depression meds. I understand. She also hates her job, my dad's not the nicest person in the world to her and she's, of course, unhappy with her weight.

She's worked in the same restaurant (very unhealthy one) for about 25 years, but has been working in the back office for about 10. I know it's hard to eat well there, I worked there for a while myself, but lunches could easily be solved if she brought her own. Unfortunately, that's an effort she doesn't care to make.
I know my father's been trying to help her out (they're still married and living together) For a while he was making her a fruit salad and sending it with her to work. I've seen him politely remind her to set her fork down between bites. I know he knows what he's talking about-he's the reason i'm athletic. He's also fit. I just hate to see how she becomes so upset with anyone trying to help her. He'll suggest (again politely) to fully chew and take small bites yada yada yada and she'll tear up and snap at him.

We all just want her to be around past 60, you know? And we tell her that, but she just says "I know" and continues her bad practices.

My parents bought a very nice teadmill and she was using for a while, but slowly stopped, it got moved to the basement and is just collecting dust.

I've said "Hey, I joined this nice new gym, why don't you come with me some morning and we can have some girl time"

She's always made some excuse and it never happens. I even offered to pay for a personal trainer for her, she has always talked about how she would love to have one, but she won't go.

Well today a lot of my family was at my older sisters house, who was trying on a bride's maid dress. My mother was lying on the bed playing with her grandkids having a good time. She was holding onto my niece (just turned 1) and started laughing about something. She proceeded to somehow wiggle around and nearly drop the baby and land on top of her. My cousin caught the kid and my mom seriously just fell right off the bed from not being able to balance her body almost landing on the baby.

She then proceeded to nearly pee her self while sneezing, ran off to pee and returned not realizing she about crushed her granddaughter.

Okay, fine, I ignored it. So I again said, hey, lets go to the gym tomorrow morning. Again she resisited with some BS excuse about having to 'watch stocks' for my dad. Fine, whatever.

Well i've been wanting to show her a few profiles on this site (chickentuna and judimax) whom I think could be really inspiring for her. (mom's only 46) I politely showed her how I felt these women could be inspiring to her and she walks away, bursts into tears and says she's sick of everyone calling her fat.
I told her I've never once called her fat and would just like her to come with me to work out - just try it once.
She continues to tear up.
Me: Mom, when have I ever called you fat?
Mom: Never...
My cousin (female, 25, kinda like me, thick around the hips-def not fat):You've never been fat, you just don't understand.

I don't understand? I don't understand? I know i've never been 'fat' but I beg to differ that I don't understand. My mother turns and says its genetics. Really?! Really. That's why I don't look anything like her. I KNOW she could EASILY drop 50 pounds if she just made an effort. But she won't. She continues to make excuses, smuggle boxes of oreos into the house and eat them all in one sitting.

I can't even begin to tell you the crap she eats. You know those DISGUSTING hamburger helper singles - with the MEAT IN THE BAG!? yeah, she LOVES those.

she wont give up soda. REFUSES to even try diet. I tell her - try it for one week you won't even notice. No.

She complained about the birthday cake (but still ate it) today because my sister made it healthy and put flaxseed in it. There was no way to tell! She purposely resists any healthy alternatives.



I know I can't force her to want to change, she has to want it for herself. But am I really supposed to just sit idly by while she eats taco bell burritos and tells me she's borderline diabetic with high blood pressure?

Maybe I really don't understand...

I know what you mean. I get the same thing, especially since I'm really skinny and can burn off just about anything by so much as sleeping. I also get the, "hey, you never know when you get older, you could be overweight too, I never used to be this way." (She's been that way since I can remember).

Whats also funny is I posed a question here months ago about the same subject (you know, mom over weight, doesn't needs to wok out/eat better won't ect.) after two pages, I reached a conclusion, you can't make them change, they have to want to. Its what everyone else in my thread said as well. I'll link you to the thread I made.

EDIT: here it is: http://forum.bodybuilding.com/showthread.php?t=7171551

Little fun fact for you. The reason the first line begins the way it does is because I originally titled my thread, "Ohai ladies do you think I am teh hotness". I figured I get more views/replies that way . A mod later changed it.

[timlaroche]

I think your whole family, your sisters, your father and yourself, should contact a counseler that can guide you through an intervention. It seems to me that her health could be in danger due to her weight, so it's basically a matter of life and death; (junk) food is her drug, and you need to get her off of it as soon as possible. She needs to understand that either she changes her life around, or she won't be getting any support from you. It sounds drastic, but it seems she's in denial and victimizing herself, and that attitude won't lead to a behavioral change on her part anytime soon. If you love your mom (of course you do) you need to really help her get out of that hole. Shes not happy nor healthy, and her family is suffering from it also. She'll suffer a premature death if she continues down that path. You need to do something now. Don't procrastinate, don't make excuses like she does, if you really want to help her you need to confront her in a firm yet loving way, with full family & friends' force and support. Good luck.

[buttercup963]

I am having the exact same problem with my future mother in law.......I am not obviously over weight, so of course how can I understand to, but when you are sick and tired and of hearing 'I'm fat, I hate my body, I WANT to lose weight' and you have tried everything you can think of to help, what else can you do?
I have offered to go for evening walks with her...not my idea of fun but I'd be willing to help her, and again she will eat the most fattening foods, chips, cakes, in front of us and then say 'I dont know why I cant lose weight, I dont eat junk'.....????????????????? Do you think its complete denial? I have no idea what to do, and its a shame but I feel I have to let her get on with it now, if she wont help herself how can I help her? I cant force her to do anything.
Good luck with your mum though.

[potatoe]

I am having the exact same problem with my future mother in law.......I am not obviously over weight, so of course how can I understand to, but when you are sick and tired and of hearing 'I'm fat, I hate my body, I WANT to lose weight' and you have tried everything you can think of to help, what else can you do?
I have offered to go for evening walks with her...not my idea of fun but I'd be willing to help her, and again she will eat the most fattening foods, chips, cakes, in front of us and then say 'I dont know why I cant lose weight, I dont eat junk'.....????????????????? Do you think its complete denial? I have no idea what to do, and its a shame but I feel I have to let her get on with it now, if she wont help herself how can I help her? I cant force her to do anything.
Good luck with your mum though.

My mom passed that now, she's just resgined herself to being overweight and doesn't really care anymore.

[girl81]

I've dealt with a similar situation. I've found the best thing (and the most effective thing) has been to accept that the only person I can change is myself. Once everyone involved began adopting this attitude, we finally began to see progress.
This was a very difficult task when the person we loved was killing herself.
We finally quit pitying her and being angry with her. We instead became angry with her disease. The two are separate entities living in one body.

[antiquemom]

Has your Dad talked to her. I have posted this before.................. I had a heart to heart with my husband, who is over weight, drinks to much and was chewing. It took over a year of concerned discussion, tears, and harsh honesty. I flat told him, I don't want to raise our daughter by myself. She asked me one day if I thought he would be around to walk him down the isle and see her kids, I told him that, it brought tears to his eyes. Sometimes it works when you lay it out straight, sometimes it doesn't. I have expressed concern for him for over 7 yrs, the last year of heavy talking was the result of one of the "last straw" situations. After one of the talks I just told him, you know how I feel, I'm done talking to you about it, if you want to be with me and the kids as long as we want you to be around it's up to you. He is trying now.
Good luck, stay strong and let her know you love her.

[freebirdmac]

Your hearts are in the right place but boy would family like that totally piss me off. For someone to tell a grown woman to take small bites and to put the fork down while chewing... yeesh! She's not a freaking child!!!!!! You guys are pushing in the wrong direction. It does not matter that it is for her good. It's like telling anorexics to eat! That's the worse thing you can tell an anorexic.

As hard as it is to do you and your family have got to back off, big time. All of this focus on her weight is not going to get her to move in the right direction, as you have seen. Love her for who she is!!!! Use that approach to help her get some self-esteem back. Lord knows it sounds like she's sorely lacking. Forget the food, the weight, exercise and get involved in her life in other ways. Show her she is important regardless of her weight. and stop treating her like a chubby child!

An intervention, feh, I'd be smacking some people for that. She has to come to the decision to do something herself, on her own terms. Not yours, your dad's, or anyone else's.

It is extremely sad to get the feeling that you and your family is embarrassed by her. She's right, you don't get it.

[Screamin]

It sounds to me like you've done everything you can to "gently push" her along to trying to find her way to health. Remember that old saying about insanity?

It may be counter-intuitive, but it sounds to me like it's time for a little old-fashioned "tough love." If trying to give her healthy options has failed and trying to convince to "just give it a try" has failed, take away her choices. She doesn't have the strength to make a healthy choice for herself; you need to make it for her.

Announce that you're coming over for a visit and have something to talk about. When you get there, tell her that you're tired of falling asleep every night wondering if it's the last day that you'll be able to tell her you love her. Take over a 55-gallon trash bag and clean out EVERY PIECE OF JUNK FOOD in the house. Go to grocery store (with or without her) and restock the cupboard/freezer with healthier options. Make sure Dad is on board.

Of course, you know her better than I; this might not be a viable option. But it's something you haven't tried

For those who think I don't get it; yes I do. I used to be a 230 lb blob. I was disgusting and I hated what I had become. The only difference is I had the mental fortitude to make a change by myself. Some people need a kick in the ass.

[tm29]

I think your whole family, your sisters, your father and yourself, should contact a counseler that can guide you through an intervention. It seems to me that her health could be in danger due to her weight, so it's basically a matter of life and death; (junk) food is her drug, and you need to get her off of it as soon as possible. She needs to understand that either she changes her life around, or she won't be getting any support from you. It sounds drastic, but it seems she's in denial and victimizing herself, and that attitude won't lead to a behavioral change on her part anytime soon. If you love your mom (of course you do) you need to really help her get out of that hole. Shes not happy nor healthy, and her family is suffering from it also. She'll suffer a premature death if she continues down that path. You need to do something now. Don't procrastinate, don't make excuses like she does, if you really want to help her you need to confront her in a firm yet loving way, with full family & friends' force and support. Good luck.

agreed. it sounds drastic, but she may need that to truly understand what you're saying. They actually have a program, overeaters anonymous, she could get a sponsor and a ton of help that she may not be willing to accept from you guys.

www.oa.org

[Mrs_Muscles]

I feel for you in the situation that you're in. You're Mom clearly has an eating disorder. Some people get hung up that annorexia and bulemia are the only two, but overeating is one as well. It's very much like having a drug addition. Addictions often start with an emotional need and then become a physical needs as well.
Do your best to be supportive but don't tell her what to do. It has to come from her, or an outside source (the intervention was mentioned). She needs to hear that you all love and support her no matter what, but that you want her around for years to come.
My Mother-in-law is overweight and has high blood pressure. She always complains about her weight and says how hard she tries to lose weight. She eats crap and buys into all the little labeling tricks. I have a couple times tried to help her out on food choices when she wants to lose weight. She always just argues with me... pointing at the box of frozen jalapeno poppers saying "but it says reduced fat!" She is clueless about reading the nutritional information and isn't willing to learn. I droped the issue a long time ago. She isn't grossly obese, just overweight. Her blood pressure is in check with the medication. I'll leave the rest to her doctor. No need to give her reasons to hate me. If she should ever decide to seriously do something about her weight, I'd help. Yes, she ridicules how I eat and then nearly in the same breath says she doesn't know how I "do it"... i.e. stay fit. I continue to attempt to lead by example and when she asks I patiently go over how I eat. Maybe one day the light bulb will spark for her.

[ffrosti]

I hate to say it but it has to coem from your mom. No amount of crying, begging, pledging, hiding workout out as "fun," and hiding food worked for my dad. He topped out at 300# as a self-induced diabetic.

Only and ONLY when he was hospitalized for 2 weeks and told he may only have 6 mo to live because of a sudden onset of congestive heart failure and fibrillations. Being forced to go on disability. Did he decide, himself to change because he realized he did care int he end, he really did.

I would stop trying to trick and harass your mom in lossing weight. Instead address her self-esteem (make sure your father helps too). I know I always want to take better care of myself when I feel that I am worth it. I would also consider a therapist for you as a family b/c it sounds like there is a rift in your fam. Because while you are thinking "I just want my mom to be healthy b/c I love her and want her around." Your mom is thiniing "The all think I am a fat cow and are ashamed of me (she is projecting) but I am too far gone to do anything and am overwhelmed."

Also does your mom struggle with other things in her life? does she lack confidence and self esteem?? Try discussing with her HOW she uses food. Often discussing a childhood is very informative. (My dad's mom used food as confort, etc) DO this by sharing intimate/vulnerable things about yourself first. I would work on her emotional wellbeing before attemting to directly change her food habits. She needs to believe she CAN first.

[firemed665]

I understand your situation. Dealing with this is not going to be easy. My wife was always skinny until after our daughter was born and she had to go through hormone therapies that made her menapausal. After that she steadily gained weight going from me being able to almost put my hands around her waist to a size 22. I knew that she was very unhappy and everytime I tried to help her there was always an excuse or she would try to diet for a week or to and then have an excuse out of it.

About two months ago her employer brought in a Weight Watchers representative and her and several of her coworkers joined up. She originally wasn't going to do it but for some reason she bought the book that Valerie Bertonelli wrote about her struggle with wieght and she has been hooked. I will be honest, it takes some time to get used to, but the results add up fast and its a pretty easy program to follow. So far she has she has lost 12 pounds and dropped almost two sizes. She is exstatic and I have to say, she is very happy with her results and has decided to start going to the gym with me. I would highly recommend it.

I hope you find something that work. Good luck!

[Tiffany Wantsmore]

Its not EASY to drop 50lb in your mid-40s, aside from that, good luck. I have no particular advice but try not to expect unrealistic targets.

[cheneynuts]

I appreciate all the replies. I just feel that if she would give me the chance I could really help her out.

She resisted getting on depression meds for the longest time, and there was all sorts of fights and crying (I was living at home then, you know how that goes) but she finally saw someone and got a small amount of help. She really does need some sort of therapy/counseler, but she just won't do it. But at least she's on the meds and isnt as in as dark of a place as she was before.

It just hurts so much to sit and watch someone you really love destroy themselves. I know that she's the only one who can make that choice, but it's just so frustrating that she won't listen to her own family. Hopefully she'll figure it out on her own.

[Dangerousd37]

Okay, this is a sensitive subject for me and I'm so sorry in advance if I offend anyone.

My mother has never been the skinniest person (at least, since she brought me into this world). Over the past 5-10 years she's gotten very big. I know for a fact she's been over 200 pounds for the past few years and i'd even guess her at 220 after seeing her today. She's got depression problems, is pre-menopausal and has put on some weight from her body changing, getting older and some depression meds. I understand. She also hates her job, my dad's not the nicest person in the world to her and she's, of course, unhappy with her weight.

She's worked in the same restaurant (very unhealthy one) for about 25 years, but has been working in the back office for about 10. I know it's hard to eat well there, I worked there for a while myself, but lunches could easily be solved if she brought her own. Unfortunately, that's an effort she doesn't care to make.
I know my father's been trying to help her out (they're still married and living together) For a while he was making her a fruit salad and sending it with her to work. I've seen him politely remind her to set her fork down between bites. I know he knows what he's talking about-he's the reason i'm athletic. He's also fit. I just hate to see how she becomes so upset with anyone trying to help her. He'll suggest (again politely) to fully chew and take small bites yada yada yada and she'll tear up and snap at him.

We all just want her to be around past 60, you know? And we tell her that, but she just says "I know" and continues her bad practices.

My parents bought a very nice teadmill and she was using for a while, but slowly stopped, it got moved to the basement and is just collecting dust.

I've said "Hey, I joined this nice new gym, why don't you come with me some morning and we can have some girl time"

She's always made some excuse and it never happens. I even offered to pay for a personal trainer for her, she has always talked about how she would love to have one, but she won't go.

Well today a lot of my family was at my older sisters house, who was trying on a bride's maid dress. My mother was lying on the bed playing with her grandkids having a good time. She was holding onto my niece (just turned 1) and started laughing about something. She proceeded to somehow wiggle around and nearly drop the baby and land on top of her. My cousin caught the kid and my mom seriously just fell right off the bed from not being able to balance her body almost landing on the baby.

She then proceeded to nearly pee her self while sneezing, ran off to pee and returned not realizing she about crushed her granddaughter.

Okay, fine, I ignored it. So I again said, hey, lets go to the gym tomorrow morning. Again she resisited with some BS excuse about having to 'watch stocks' for my dad. Fine, whatever.

Well i've been wanting to show her a few profiles on this site (chickentuna and judimax) whom I think could be really inspiring for her. (mom's only 46) I politely showed her how I felt these women could be inspiring to her and she walks away, bursts into tears and says she's sick of everyone calling her fat.
I told her I've never once called her fat and would just like her to come with me to work out - just try it once.
She continues to tear up.
Me: Mom, when have I ever called you fat?
Mom: Never...
My cousin (female, 25, kinda like me, thick around the hips-def not fat):You've never been fat, you just don't understand.

I don't understand? I don't understand? I know i've never been 'fat' but I beg to differ that I don't understand. My mother turns and says its genetics. Really?! Really. That's why I don't look anything like her. I KNOW she could EASILY drop 50 pounds if she just made an effort. But she won't. She continues to make excuses, smuggle boxes of oreos into the house and eat them all in one sitting.

I can't even begin to tell you the crap she eats. You know those DISGUSTING hamburger helper singles - with the MEAT IN THE BAG!? yeah, she LOVES those.

she wont give up soda. REFUSES to even try diet. I tell her - try it for one week you won't even notice. No.

She complained about the birthday cake (but still ate it) today because my sister made it healthy and put flaxseed in it. There was no way to tell! She purposely resists any healthy alternatives.



I know I can't force her to want to change, she has to want it for herself. But am I really supposed to just sit idly by while she eats taco bell burritos and tells me she's borderline diabetic with high blood pressure?

Maybe I really don't understand...

Just my 0.02. But someone whom is overweight and whom has been overweight they do hear it all the time that they shouldn't eat this or should join a gym. What does it make them do--- fell bad about themselves and eat. It may be well intentioned that you want her to be healthy-- but whom are you doing it for??? Is it really for her or is it for you???? In order for someone to change their habits they have to want to and have to have a supportive enviornment for it. Sending salads to work isn't supportive... its telling the person you are wrong for the choices you make and I am right. In turn, it makes them feel bad about themselves. For them to make healthy choices they need to think it's their idea-- even if it isn't. Over eating is all emotional and if you want to see her go off the deep end then have an intervention. You said she has depression-- medications that help depression sometimes pack on weight-- that people can't help. So if they are already over weight and feel bad about it they feel even worse for the weight that came on for a med trying to help them. Maybe it's her meds that are adding some weight on too, as well as maybe the meds aren't working that well and she is eating to stifle her emotions. As an older adult she may be thinking who are you to tell a grown adult what to do in life. There are so many factors--- but the more you push the more you won't get any where. Try doing positive things for her like go to the lcoal mall and have a make over-- hair, nails, new outfits. Once she feels better about herself she may want to start changing. Its like teaching a kid-- the more you say no cookies before dinner the more a kid wants the cookies and will even sneak them before dinner. Counter it all by positive reinforcement. Maybe by her a dog... a puppy has to pee and has to go outside. Go for a walk and talk. Even if you go to the mall you have her walking... there is part of the equation -- exercise. Stop for subs on the way home ( like subway) or sign up for a cooking class with her that has healthy cooking options that are quick and easy-- part two -- nutrition. Maybe write one of those make over shows that have titles like great moms need some pampering. People blame genetics.... yea its a small part, thyroid makes it harder to lose too, but it can be done but you have to want to do it for yourself. Your mom gave up on her self because she doesn't feel good about herself or her life or both... help her by being supportive way not an authoritiative way and you may see different results. All the best :O)

[SexyChic]

My mom is also obese and I think she eats for "comfort." I view it as an addiction, just like any other substance addiction, and trying to get them to change is like pulling teeth.

I just try to be supportive and love her unconditionally, hoping that one day the light bulb will go off for her
Being judgemental is not going to help anyone.

[youngbuck88]

i work at ihop..I see obese people all the time..what are they eating? trans fat and all carbs..French toasts,pancakes,burgers..I ask myself if they are even aware of their health?How ignorant can a person be,they are about to die soon because of their eating habbits.And im just like you..i dont undertand..i really dont.

[ffrosti]

I appreciate all the replies. I just feel that if she would give me the chance I could really help her out.

She resisted getting on depression meds for the longest time, and there was all sorts of fights and crying (I was living at home then, you know how that goes) but she finally saw someone and got a small amount of help. She really does need some sort of therapy/counseler, but she just won't do it. But at least she's on the meds and isnt as in as dark of a place as she was before.

It just hurts so much to sit and watch someone you really love destroy themselves. I know that she's the only one who can make that choice, but it's just so frustrating that she won't listen to her own family. Hopefully she'll figure it out on her own.

I know it hurts to watch someone destroy themselves. what I would try to do is help her emotionally. Maybe start doign some regular volunter work together. Like help at an old folks home or stuff bags at your local foodbank. Help her feel empowered and worthy. Do not push the diet. Also talk to your friends/her friends. Are any of them on depression meds? Find soemone who has good things to say about meds or therapy. and ask them to start (a casual) ocnversation with your mom. (You woudl be surprised how many people suffer from depression I doubt you will have to look far). Best of luck and keep us posted.

[martina92685]

Its not EASY to drop 50lb in your mid-40s, aside from that, good luck. I have no particular advice but try not to expect unrealistic targets.

It isn't easy to drop 50 pounds at ANY age if you aren't motivated.

[SexyChic]

i work at ihop..I see obese people all the time..what are they eating? trans fat and all carbs..French toasts,pancakes,burgers..I ask myself if they are even aware of their health?How ignorant can a person be,they are about to die soon because of their eating habbits.And im just like you..i dont undertand..i really dont.

What you need to realize is that we are all going to die, so judging them is pointless....

Maybe they know and they don't care? Some people get a relief in knowing that what they are doing will inevitably lead to their demise. Others are just doing it unconsciously without regarding the consequences...And don't get me wrong, I am NOT generalizing!

Sugar and fatty foods are addicting and if you lack self control (many people in this country do), it is hard to stay away from that food. And if you notice, many obese people sit on their couch and watch TV and what is spammed constantly on tv??? Fatty foods and sugary foods! It is all interconnected and it usually takes a wake up call (heart attack or something) to snap them out of it.

[Dangerousd37]

i work at ihop..I see obese people all the time..what are they eating? trans fat and all carbs..French toasts,pancakes,burgers..I ask myself if they are even aware of their health?How ignorant can a person be,they are about to die soon because of their eating habbits.And im just like you..i dont undertand..i really dont.

What is it you don't understand. Its an addiction to deal with feelings, just like an alcoholic, a drug abuser, etc. Some day you may be fat and bald would you want someone judging you??? I think you really need to grow up and stop being so judgemental because its only a reflection of yourself in those judgements and it makes you look bad. Instead of judging people try understanding where they are coming from. Some people deal with serious issues like rape and abuse by food instead of drugs or alcohol. You do not know their situations and it is wrong to assume that they are ignorant. You know the old adage " Assume makes an A$$ outta you and me". You don't know people's lives, the things they've been through, the places they've been and the things they feel. Some people just don't care because they find comfort in the food that they are lacking in their life. Would you have such a harsh opinion of an alcoholic binge drinker at a party? Maybe not because he's the life of the party, but alcohol does kill. Smokers- they smoke and kill themselves what's the opinion on them? People have vices some chose retail therapy, a punching bag, a weightroom or more serious avenues. But who are you to judge them. Have you lived in their shoes?? You're too young to be judgemental... when you become old and bitter fine be judgemental -- you lived a long and hard life, but you're 19 and you still have a lot to learn. You grew up in a generation where fat people were called slobs and yet most of the nation is obese. It's a problem in society- but judging isn't the answer.

[DumpyMom]

Speaking as a mom who is obese and struggling to change, sometimes when you're unhappy in life food is the drug of choice. I don't drink or smoke. But I abuse salty carbs and chocolate as if they were alcohol or drugs. I know I do it and having someone point out to me how fat I am or stupid my choices are just makes it worse. Then I just start hiding the bag of chips or cookies.

There are some situations in life you can't change but you can change how you approach your mom. I know I'd love to have support from a non-judging person. Someone who offers to go with me to the gym to help me relieve stress (not mentioning losing weight). Changing why you want her to take better care of herself without reminding her that she's fat or ruining her health may make her more receptive.

I'd agree that someone who's never been fat doesn't understand - just like someone who's never been a drug or alcohol addict doesn't understand completely how addicts change their lives, go through withdrawal, and avoid future temptation.

Good luck to you and your mom.

[wildberlin]

Wow.

Well, let me think about my experience. I don't think an intervention would necessarily help, because it often just makes people feel worse about their problems/ go into hiding about it/ feel victimized, whatever. But it may work and you obviously know her the best. You are doing a good job in just letting her know that you care about her and her health and are concerned about it.

Perhaps offering to do things that aren't necessarily "exercise-y" will help her feel less threatened and resistant to it. For example, offering to go on a walk down the pier or hike or biking. That way it's not as if it's being directly implied that she needs to be working out, but rather you are doing something fun together.

I definitely think that information is key in helping people change themselves. The more they know, the more they will be motivated to change little things and see results, and shy away from harmful things. If there is any way at all possible that you can supply her with fitness/ health information I think it could help a lot. For example, you could bring a fitness magazine to her house and say "oh I just finished reading it, you can look at it if you like" or "there is a really nice recipe in here I've been meaning to try" or whatever, and leave it there. Then she can have the opportunity to read it and do further research if she ever wants to.

Unfortunately I think the only way you can really get a person to change is if they really want to change themselves. As much as you might want to, you can't change her attitude- she has to change it herself. Whether it is just a slow realization, overcoming some mental defense mechanisms, or a life- altering experience, if she ever changes it will be something that she does herself (I know this first hand from trying to help many people out of concern, only to have them continually deny they need any help despite them knowing you are right and that they are able to change. They have to WANT it, and the fact that they don't is the most frustrating part of all).

I really hope that your attempts are successful. It's great that you're trying to help your mom.

[jillybeansalad]

Ugh, that is a tough situation. Just little changes could help her a lot, but she needs to want to do it... it's just the fact of these type of things. She needs to see someone about her depression... like a psychologist to find out why she does this and understand it.

I never thought I would give up soda, and I made a rule about drinking only one can a week (though it's been 2 weeks!)... I USED to drink 7 Coca-Colas a day.

[youngbuck88]

What is it you don't understand. Its an addiction to deal with feelings, just like an alcoholic, a drug abuser, etc. Some day you may be fat and bald would you want someone judging you??? I think you really need to grow up and stop being so judgemental because its only a reflection of yourself in those judgements and it makes you look bad. Instead of judging people try understanding where they are coming from. Some people deal with serious issues like rape and abuse by food instead of drugs or alcohol. You do not know their situations and it is wrong to assume that they are ignorant. You know the old adage " Assume makes an A$$ outta you and me". You don't know people's lives, the things they've been through, the places they've been and the things they feel. Some people just don't care because they find comfort in the food that they are lacking in their life. Would you have such a harsh opinion of an alcoholic binge drinker at a party? Maybe not because he's the life of the party, but alcohol does kill. Smokers- they smoke and kill themselves what's the opinion on them? People have vices some chose retail therapy, a punching bag, a weightroom or more serious avenues. But who are you to judge them. Have you lived in their shoes?? You're too young to be judgemental... when you become old and bitter fine be judgemental -- you lived a long and hard life, but you're 19 and you still have a lot to learn. You grew up in a generation where fat people were called slobs and yet most of the nation is obese. It's a problem in society- but judging isn't the answer.

Im too young to judge ?Okay,you are right food is an addiction. We are all addicted to food.Im probably addicted more than you are. I used to eat mcdonalds everyday. I killed double BLTs and french toasts at IHOP. I was fat at some point in my life,around %17-18 BF.Why? Because I made the wrong decisions in my diet. But I wasn't ignorant enough to continue my bad eating habits,so I started working out with the vision of being like Brad Pitt one day. Those who binge drink and smoke all the time only harm themselves. Just like obese people who continue to eat bad foods knowing it only does nothing but harm. You are comparing apples and oranges here. Sugars and fatty acids are addicting you are right but they are many other healthy foods that are addicting as well. Im addicted to steak,chicken,fish,rice,rye bread,beans,corn and salads.They taste great and are very filling.

My point is food is an addiction like alcohol and drugs however you can't replace the drugs with an alternative that gives you the same feeling but you can do that with foods.Hell,even better feeling.It doesn't matter where they are coming from or what they have been through.If you want to save yourself from becoming obese or lose weight its as simple as A,B,C.All it takes is awareness of what you eat and little bit of exercise.Diet is up to 90 percent of your results. You can exercise all you want but if you are making bad decisions in the diet,you are not going to see any results.

[girl81]

Your hearts are in the right place but boy would family like that totally piss me off. For someone to tell a grown woman to take small bites and to put the fork down while chewing... yeesh! She's not a freaking child!!!!!! You guys are pushing in the wrong direction. It does not matter that it is for her good. It's like telling anorexics to eat! That's the worse thing you can tell an anorexic.

As hard as it is to do you and your family have got to back off, big time. All of this focus on her weight is not going to get her to move in the right direction, as you have seen. Love her for who she is!!!! Use that approach to help her get some self-esteem back. Lord knows it sounds like she's sorely lacking. Forget the food, the weight, exercise and get involved in her life in other ways. Show her she is important regardless of her weight. and stop treating her like a chubby child!

An intervention, feh, I'd be smacking some people for that. She has to come to the decision to do something herself, on her own terms. Not yours, your dad's, or anyone else's.

It is extremely sad to get the feeling that you and your family is embarrassed by her. She's right, you don't get it.

I want to rep you 1000 times for this. Excellent post.

[trainwithrae]

I want to rep you 1000 times for this. Excellent post.

ditto

Reprimanding someone like a child would make anyone hurt, angry and only turn to food MORE!

Do you want this more than her?

She is likely overwhelmed and feeling helpless. She needs someone who understands where she is coming from, a support group in your area would be a great place to start.

[Dangerousd37]

Im too young to judge ?Okay,you are right food is an addiction. We are all addicted to food.Im probably addicted more than you are. I used to eat mcdonalds everyday. I killed double BLTs and french toasts at IHOP. I was fat at some point in my life,around %17-18 BF.Why? Because I made the wrong decisions in my diet. But I wasn't ignorant enough to continue my bad eating habits,so I started working out with the vision of being like Brad Pitt one day. Those who binge drink and smoke all the time only harm themselves. Just like obese people who continue to eat bad foods knowing it only does nothing but harm. You are comparing apples and oranges here. Sugars and fatty acids are addicting you are right but they are many other healthy foods that are addicting as well. Im addicted to steak,chicken,fish,rice,rye bread,beans,corn and salads.They taste great and are very filling.

My point is food is an addiction like alcohol and drugs however you can't replace the drugs with an alternative that gives you the same feeling but you can do that with foods.Hell,even better feeling.It doesn't matter where they are coming from or what they have been through.If you want to save yourself from becoming obese or lose weight its as simple as A,B,C.All it takes is awareness of what you eat and little bit of exercise.Diet is up to 90 percent of your results. You can exercise all you want but if you are making bad decisions in the diet,you are not going to see any results.

17-18% body fat is NOT that fat, especially for a guy. Try being well over 30% then talk about it. At your age and being male your metabolism is high and can handle eating Mc Donald's more so than a woman over 30. Women naturally have more body fat and after 25 your metabolism slows down. You missed the point entirely. That was YOU. You made the bad choices and weren't ignorant about it. You are taking your own experiences and transferring it to others. You can't do that because everyone is DIFFERENT. In some parts of the US there is little to no health education because school budgets had to be cut. There is no physical education, recess or after school activities. Some people do not have the luxury of eating clean because the cost of 1 chicken breast equals 4 melas on McDonald's dollar menu. Chicken nuggets and boxed items are cheaper than all of the clean eating foods out there. Again, you proved my point that you are too young to be judgemental. I suspect you've been on this site for awhile. However, you are so mistaken that losing weight is as easy as ABC.It's not. Educate yourself more on this and you will see its not easy as 123. Diet and Exercise is only a part of the equation -- that is why the diet industry is making money. People diet through eating salads and exercise-- but because they lose the motivation and the emotional issues which caused the weight were not addressed the weight goes back on. Some people take medications like predinsone or prescribed steroid treatments which causes severe weight gain, while others have failing thyroids that make it extremly hard to lose weight while gaining is so much easier for them. There are other conditions where there is a chemical missing in the brain that sends the signal that a person is full-- so no matter how much they eat they never feel full. There are people whom suffer memory losses and forget that they ate and there are people who believe it or not sleep eat. These people eat while they are asleep and have no idea that they are even eating. None of these were even mentioned in your easy as ABC equation. Obviously, your weight gain was just due to being in high school and eating what friends did instead of emotional issues that many people face. Its a very different story that cannot be transferred from your choices to others. I also doubt you have been raped, abused or molested. SO, again yes you are too young to be judgemental. Until you have read about, met, talked to and understood where others are coming for- you will be too young to be judgemental. You are 19-- there is a whole world out there that you haven't experienced and with that judgemental attitude you'll miss out on all the wonderful things in the world. You haven't lived long enough or experienced enough to transfer your experiences to others. Women especially are not given good role models of viral healthy individuals like Brad Pitt. But rather waif sickly and dangerously thin models, stars, musicians, etc. Its a double edged sword of women either eating too much or starving themselves, throwing up, etc. It all boils down to emotional issues. You just can't say well I made bad food choices just because and decided to change -- so everyone can. Everyone is different and your broad generalizations do not fit everyone. It's not apples and oranges. Its all apples. It's all abuses of something in order to deal with emotional issues from alcohol, to drugs, and food.