Question about tattoo...

[Amelia]

My guy and I have been together for almost 6 years. I already have one tattoo and want to get another one. He has flat out told me that if I seriously consider getting one (or even go ahead and do it) that he's going to leave me because he doesn't want a wife who will be a bad example to the kids. His argument is that I shouldn't do it because he thinks they're ugly (sole vanity) and that should be enough reason for me not to do it. Thoughts ladies?

[smartbells]

obey!

[SexyChic]

My thought is go with your instincts on this one... If I wanted to do something to myself that my husband didn't approve of (and that wasn't harmful to myself obviously), I would think long and hard about it b/c it would probably jeopardize the relationship.

If he isn't attracted to tats, at least he is being honest with you, but at the same time you have the freedom to do whatever you want to your body.

None of us can tell you what you should do...it all boils down to how much you love him and whether or not you are prepared to face the consequences of the choice that you make.

[dragon*princess]

If he's going to leave you over a new "tattoo" - I would question his level of commitment, as well as, his common sense (no offense) because, I'm sorry but....simply having a tattoo does not make a person inept to raise a child or from being a good role model.

In my opinion, he is making a pathetic attempt at "Emotional Manipulation" and.....it is WRONG! It is a childish (and yet aggressive) tactic to get his way.

I really suggest that the two of you discuss each others expectations and boundaries so that you both can get a clear picture of what's acceptable and tolerable within your relationship. ~ And keep in mind....Although you're a pair, the two of you are still separate individuals who are entitled to live life according to your own paths and passions.


I hope that the two of you reach a compromise or understanding that is a fair to you both.

xoxo xoxo

[Amelia]

Originally Posted by SexyChic

If I wanted to do something to myself that my husband didn't approve of (and that wasn't harmful to myself obviously).

I don't approve of him dipping snuff tobacco and yet he continues to do it because he says it's "an addiction" and he can't control it. Yet, his deal is 100% more likely to kill him than what I have done and want to do again. Where is the line drawn? It is almost like I have to do everything he tells me but he doesn't have to listen to a word I say.

[Amelia]

Originally Posted by dragon*princess

If he's going to leave you over a new "tattoo" - I would question his level of commitment, as well as, his common sense (no offense) because, I'm sorry but....simply having a tattoo does not make a person inept to raise a child or from being a good role model.

In my opinion, he is making a pathetic attempt at "Emotional Manipulation" and.....it is WRONG! It is a childish (and yet aggressive) tactic to get his way.

I really suggest that the two of you discuss each others expectations and boundaries so that you both can get a clear picture of what's acceptable and tolerable within your relationship. ~ And keep in mind....Although you're a pair, the two of you are still separate individuals who are entitled to live life according to your own paths and passions.


I hope that the two of you reach a compromise or understanding that is a fair to you both.

xoxo xoxo

Thanks, DP! The being a pair but still being individual is part of my argument as well but it's something he either can't or won't compromise on.

[Samus_Fan]

Originally Posted by dragon*princess

If he's going to leave you over a new "tattoo" - I would question his level of commitment, as well as, his common sense (no offense) because, I'm sorry but....simply having a tattoo does not make a person inept to raise a child or from being a good role model.

In my opinion, he is making a pathetic attempt at "Emotional Manipulation" and.....it is WRONG! It is a childish (and yet aggressive) tactic to get his way.

I really suggest that the two of you discuss each others expectations and boundaries so that you both can get a clear picture of what's acceptable and tolerable within your relationship. ~ And keep in mind....Although you're a pair, the two of you are still separate individuals who are entitled to live life according to your own paths and passions.


I hope that the two of you reach a compromise or understanding that is a fair to you both.

xoxo xoxo

This is almost exactly what I wanted to say.... It does seem like a petty attempt at manipulation, and I feel that he is acting very selfishly by not allowing you something so harmless. While he might not feel that they are attractive, etc, you do, and he should be able to compromise just as you have with the tobacco.... (which, sorry, but EW).

In the end, you're going to have to decide if you feel that the relationship is worth more than the tattoo... and if you want to have a longterm commitment to someone that is so unyielding. None of us can make that decision for you, but I'm sure we all hope for what is best for you!


Also, I should mention.... I wanted a lip piercing a few years ago, and my current hubby said he did not care for them (but NOT that he would leave me over it). I decided that I didn't really need one, and that it would not be worth putting him off as it would. I got an eyebrow piercing instead (which I no longer have as it rejected), and we were both happy. Maybe there is a way that you two can do something similar (are there any types of tattoos or locations on your body that he would not mind so much??)...

[runner05]

Nobody should ever control your life enough to demand what you do or don't do w/ your body! If he decides he likes you a little on the heavier side, would you quit working out?! I surely hope not!

I do think that couples should discuss important and permanent things such as a tatoo or otherwise, but I do think that the one that adamantly opposes needs to be a little open minded as well as to what his/her partner truly wants for themselves. After all... you're not asking him to get a tattoo... it's your body.

He should be telling you he really doesn't like the idea and you could take that into great consideration before doing it. However, you should never need his permission to do so.

But... then again... I'm divorced... so, maybe you shouldn't listen to me!

[solstice]

Originally Posted by Amelia

My guy and I have been together for almost 6 years. I already have one tattoo and want to get another one. He has flat out told me that if I seriously consider getting one (or even go ahead and do it) that he's going to leave me because he doesn't want a wife who will be a bad example to the kids. His argument is that I shouldn't do it because he thinks they're ugly (sole vanity) and that should be enough reason for me not to do it. Thoughts ladies?

LOL My husband loves my two tats and we have two well behaved preschoolers. I have one on my back just above my shoulder blades and another on my wrist. You really don't want to know my thoughts on a guy thinking that way or expressing that to his wife... *sweet smiles*

[solstice]

Originally Posted by Amelia

It is almost like I have to do everything he tells me but he doesn't have to listen to a word I say.

That right there would probably have me packing his bags for him. LOL!

[Amelia]

Originally Posted by Samus_Fan

Maybe there is a way that you two can do something similar (are there any types of tattoos or locations on your body that he would not mind so much??)...

Nope, it doesn't matter where it is - he will still have the same opinion.

Thank you ladies for all of your wonderful advice and opinions! I know in the end I am the only one who can decide what to do but it is nice to hear that I am illogical in my thinking!

[SexyChic]

Well...not to be rude or anything but you quoted the part of my advice that you didn't like and ignored the rest.

Comparing chewing tobacco and getting a tattoo.....One is a very addictive substance and the other is not.
On the subject of very addictive substances, users usually will not give it up until they are ready and will defend it like it is their only means of survival, with no regard to logic or reasoning.

My husband gave up smoking (I have been married for 5 years btw). He smoked before we met and while we were dating and when I realized how much he smoked, I asked him to quit (while we were still dating).
He slowed down considerably and then quit (in a matter of months), and whenever anyone asks him about it, he never mentions the fact that I asked him to quit...only that he was ready to give it up and chose to.
You can never force someone to give up something, because if they are not ready it is going to backfire in your face.

From what you said in both your posts, it sounds to me like this goes above and beyond "just getting a tattoo." You want him to treat you as an equal and at the moment, he seems to be the one in charge. Please correct me if I am wrong, but this is what I gathered from what you said....

Anyway, fighting him over a tattoo or chewing tobacco is not going to earn you equality because he probably does not take the whole tattoo situation very seriously....and can't think logically about his addiction.

If you were submissive and did everything he said in the past, Don't think that this is going to be an overnight change...
You will have to put your money where your mouth is and show him that you have a mind of your own. He is not going to take you seriously if you come at him all emotional and angry/frustrated/crying.

If you disagree with something he says, make your stance as logical and simple as possible. Don't give in and be prepared for tantrums.

[SexyChic]

Originally Posted by Amelia

I know in the end I am the only one who can decide what to do but it is nice to hear that I am illogical in my thinking!

And you might want to reword that sentence

[lilly_julia]

Sounds to me like he's giving ultimatums because the relationship itself just isn't working out and he's looking for an excuse to exit. Beat him to it!

If we were just talking about tattoos here, I would say BE EXTREEEEEEEEMLY careful about the one you choose.. as you can see I have one on my breast and although it was cool when I was 19, I just wish I had regular cleavage like everyone else! Now all I hear is.. "Are you gonna show me the rest of it?" "You're purposely drawing attention to that area, so you're asking me to look there". Its such a pain.

So, be careful about the choices you make.. about tattoos AND men. And chewing tobacco? BARF! that's a HORRENDOUS habit. I would never put up with that.. to have to kiss him? are you kidding me? I'd make him quit that or dump him for sure. Like kids need to witness THAT kind of behavior. Puh-lease!

[Amelia]

Originally Posted by SexyChic

You want him to treat you as an equal and at the moment, he seems to be the one in charge. Please correct me if I am wrong, but this is what I gathered from what you said....

No, you're correct on that one...

I have never been the submissive kind; if anything, I've probably never done anything he said in the past not because I didn't take his advice seriously but because his advice was bunk.

[Amelia]

Originally Posted by SexyChic

And you might want to reword that sentence

OOPS!! LOL...geeze, if I could get one sentence out without a typo it'd be a miracle!

[SexyChic]

Originally Posted by lilly_julia

Sounds to me like he's giving ultimatums because the relationship itself just isn't working out and he's looking for an excuse to exit. Beat him to it!

If we were just talking about tattoos here, I would say BE EXTREEEEEEEEMLY careful about the one you choose.. as you can see I have one on my breast and although it was cool when I was 19, I just wish I had regular cleavage like everyone else! Now all I hear is.. "Are you gonna show me the rest of it?" "You're purposely drawing attention to that area, so you're asking me to look there". Its such a pain.

So, be careful about the choices you make.. about tattoos AND men. And chewing tobacco? BARF! that's a HORRENDOUS habit. I would never put up with that.. to have to kiss him? are you kidding me? I'd make him quit that or dump him for sure. Like kids need to witness THAT kind of behavior. Puh-lease!

I have to agree...I could barely date a smoker and trying to imagine being with a guy that chewed BLEH YUCK...I would be gone if he didn't drop it LoL

[Amelia]

Originally Posted by SexyChic

I have to agree...I could barely date a smoker and trying to imagine being with a guy that chewed BLEH YUCK...I would be gone if he didn't drop it LoL

LOL! Well, both of my parents have smoked my entire life so I learned a long time ago to accept people along with their vices. I did the same thing with him that I did with my folks - said I didn't like it, thought it was gross, and asked them to quit because of how unhealthy it was. Both said no and I got over it. No point in nagging; I can either accept people for who they are or get on with it.

[SexyChic]

Well in the case of smoking.... It puts my health at risk also so I can't just get over it.
Besides I had to watch my uncle die of lung cancer, he weighed 80 pounds at the time of his death (he usually was like 180) and I would never wish that on a soul.
The pain meds didn't dent his pain and suffering and he asked for the plug to be pulled....

[Amelia]

Originally Posted by SexyChic

Well in the case of smoking.... It puts my health at risk also so I can't just get over it.
Besides I had to watch my uncle die of lung cancer, he weighed 80 pounds at the time of his death (he usually was like 180) and I would never wish that on a soul.
The pain meds didn't dent his pain and suffering and he asked for the plug to be pulled....

I am deeply sorry. I also watched an uncle die that kind of cancer and it was horrible to say the least. I'd rather have good memories of my family and friends than to distance myself from them and have none at all though.

[SexyChic]

There is a huge diff between friends and family and prospective mate.

[Amelia]

Originally Posted by SexyChic

There is a huge diff between friends and family and prospective mate.

Very true.

[Amelia]

UPDATE: I left him last night. Long story short...counseling didn't work because he refused to change. So I'm done; life is too short to spend it with people who are like that.

[solstice]

Originally Posted by Amelia

UPDATE: I left him last night. Long story short...counseling didn't work because he refused to change. So I'm done; life is too short to spend it with people who are like that.

Congratulations! (Sorry it had to be that way- I'm sure it wasn't easy- but it sounds like it's a breath of fresh air for you the way this post reads...)

(Wishing you all the best!)

[silverspring47]

I think if he's willing to leave you over a tattoo, you don't really have his heart to begin with. And this needs to be brought to his attention. My mother got a tattoo when I was 13, and I got one too. (Yes...at 13...they thought I was 16...) My dad didn't really agree...same thing, he doesn't like them. A year later my mom got another one, so did I. Dad said no more! He told me I was no longer allowed to pierce anything (even my ears!!) or "colour my skin" until I was 18. He told my mom he didn't want her doing anything else either. I said the same thing to her...It's YOUR body!! She pierced her belly button and eventually got a third tattoo. How is a tattoo a bad example? It's not! It's a reflection of yourself. At 18 I started to pierce (had 8, now I have 6), and I got a third tattoo that I'm extremely proud of b/c I designed it. My father got used to it. I think it finally kicked in that he had no say, and as much as he doesn't like them, they don't change a person.

I would tell him simply that it's your body, not his. If he leaves you over a tattoo, he obviously doesn't care about you like he says he does, because if he did, he would not try to control you.

[silverspring47]

Originally Posted by Amelia

UPDATE: I left him last night. Long story short...counseling didn't work because he refused to change. So I'm done; life is too short to spend it with people who are like that.

Perhaps I should have read this post first!! Congratulations! You made the right decision!! YOU CONTROL YOUR LIFE!

[Amelia]

Thank you ladies! =)

I am changing the focus of my counseling sessions now; as opposed to couples counseling, I am switching to a counselor who specializes in verbal abuse. After a long discussion with my mother last night, she pointed out several of his behaviors and words that were domineering and controlling. After a little bit of research on abuse, I discovered that I have classic signs of a verbal abuse victim.

[JillSlap]

Originally Posted by Samus_Fan

In the end, you're going to have to decide if you feel that the relationship is worth more than the tattoo...

Another way to think about it is this: Regardless of whether you are ready to give up the relationship over the tattoo, he sure is.

It sounds to me like the issue here is bigger than a tat.

[JillSlap]

Originally Posted by Amelia

Thank you ladies! =)

I am changing the focus of my counseling sessions now; as opposed to couples counseling, I am switching to a counselor who specializes in verbal abuse. After a long discussion with my mother last night, she pointed out several of his behaviors and words that were domineering and controlling. After a little bit of research on abuse, I discovered that I have classic signs of a verbal abuse victim.

Good for you! My mother struggled with this with my stepfather, who had her so convinced she was a bad person that she nearly gave him custody of me and my sister. Thankfully she found an excellent counselor and completely changed her perspective on things.

Sounds like you have a good support system with your mom; you're going to have a great life.

[lopaw]

Originally Posted by Amelia

My guy and I have been together for almost 6 years. I already have one tattoo and want to get another one. He has flat out told me that if I seriously consider getting one (or even go ahead and do it) that he's going to leave me because he doesn't want a wife who will be a bad example to the kids. His argument is that I shouldn't do it because he thinks they're ugly (sole vanity) and that should be enough reason for me not to do it. Thoughts ladies?

My partner & I have been fighting about me getting another tat for years. I had wanted a design that I really liked, but she HATED it. It wasn't until I sat down with her and asked her to help me design a tat TOGETHER that she finally relented and and now I can get one (AAMOF I'm getting it this Tuesday! Woo Hoo!!!).
It helped that the new tat design is all about her! (her last name in Kanji wrapped around her symbol, the dragon)

Maybe getting your SO involved with the design might have them come around to the idea.
It's worth a try!