Having some communication issues with the BF :-\

LinzersMH · 03-27-2008, 08:12 PM

I'm in the process of creating a new, healthier me. I do, in the long run, want to lose fat, but I'm in no rush to do so, but mostly I just want to learn to make healthier choices day by day. I have a goal set, but no specific date to reach it by. I workout at least 3x/week, sometimes more and I have just started lifting weights. I think my eating habits are improving, but my thoughts are as long as what I eat fits into my macros and I get at least 30-45 minutes of a workout in, I feel better about myself. My problem is my boyfriend. He is very serious about BBing and losing fat and working out and eating clean. He can be very supportive and I am very lucky to have him because he is incredibly knowlegable and knows his stuff. Sometimes, he gives me "tough love" but to me, it's more like he's telling me that I have no clue what I'm doing and I should just do whatever he thinks is right and what I'm doing is completely wrong. For instance, today we were getting ready to leave to go to the pool and gym, when I felt like a snack. I grabbed a piece of Ezekial sprouted grain bread, some whipped cream cheese (about 1.5 tbsp) and a little SF strawberry jelly. I haven't had many carbs for the day, just a bowl of oatmeal, and the snack fit into my macros. But my BF started getting on my case about what I was eating. He said "If you seriously want to lose weight, you will never see results with food like that. It's all sugar and your glucose levels will spike and then you will have no energy!" My response was "I have only had about 75 grams of carbs today, so I'm fine. Plus, it's not like I'm eating simple carbs or white flour or white sugar." He said "You should only be eating about 75 carbs anyway!" The one word that bothered me was the word "should." There are a lot of things both of us SHOULD be doing, but as far as my eating habits go, what SHOULD I be doing and according to whom? I just hate that word. It makes me feel like what I am doing is wrong. Now, what he told me about my glucose is true, I know. I trust everything he says because he spends a lot of time researching about the body, foods, and bodybuilding. The problem is how he tells me these things. I just shut down and feel belittled and I don't even want to do anything. I know he means well and just wants me to succeed and push myself to my highest potential, but I don't react well to his comments like that.

Can anyone else relate? What's your opinion? I appreciate any comments, good or bad. I would love any outsiders opinion. Thanks girls.

dianita23 · 03-27-2008, 08:53 PM

I think that you are on a good road with your diet and workout. I mean I don't know even half of what your boyfriend knows but I think you should always be proud of the fact that you are doing something and your boyfriend should see it that way to. Plus you look great so I don't think you should worry. I have experienced some of what you have but with other outside people. I love to eat and I admit that sometimes I don't eat like I should and people are always telling me that I will never get to where I want, but I know that I am trying and that i want it so bad and thats all that matters. I understand how you feel because it truly does hurt when someone talks to you like that but the fact is that there is always going to be someone that know more then you do and people that bring you down, but you have to find a way to not let it hurt you. Have you ever talked to your boyfriend about how he makes you feel? I would. You know him more then anyone so maybe he is just talking to you like that because he does want the best for you and lets face it sometimes guys don't talk really nice when they are trying to get their point across. So I say cheer up, talk to your man and keep on doing what is good FOR YOU. I hope I made some sense.

LinzersMH · 03-27-2008, 10:59 PM

Thanks Dianita. It's always good to know that I'm not alone in the way I feel and that I'm not crazy! lol I have talked to him, but it's always when I've had enough and I start crying and go a little overboard. lol However, I think that's the only time I feel I can really get into his head because I'm being overly dramatic and emotional. I guess it's just an everyday process of learning to communicate myself more and more. I'm terrible at opening up to people because I've been hurt before when I did open up. It's just a process that I have to overcome.

EVEREADY · 03-27-2008, 11:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dianita23

I think that you are on a good road with your diet and workout. I mean I don't know even half of what your boyfriend knows but I think you should always be proud of the fact that you are doing something and your boyfriend should see it that way to. Plus you look great so I don't think you should worry. I have experienced some of what you have but with other outside people. I love to eat and I admit that sometimes I don't eat like I should and people are always telling me that I will never get to where I want, but I know that I am trying and that i want it so bad and thats all that matters. I understand how you feel because it truly does hurt when someone talks to you like that but the fact is that there is always going to be someone that know more then you do and people that bring you down, but you have to find a way to not let it hurt you. Have you ever talked to your boyfriend about how he makes you feel? I would. You know him more then anyone so maybe he is just talking to you like that because he does want the best for you and lets face it sometimes guys don't talk really nice when they are trying to get their point across. So I say cheer up, talk to your man and keep on doing what is good FOR YOU. I hope I made some sense.

if you wanted it so bad you'd be eating clean and nothing half assing it. grow up, both of you. your boyfriend just wants you to reach your goals without having to play it hard like everyone else. take his knowledge and apply it.

show us ya tits

AND NONE OF THIS "YOU SHOULD BE PROUD" BULL. you should be proud!! omg ur proud! that isn't going to give you your results. /females

Crazymix · 03-27-2008, 11:15 PM

you're 20 just sayin'

matthewluke60 · 03-28-2008, 04:59 AM

Exactly, time for new boyfriend. Let me tell you what. About 40% of the men that walk into most gyms around will have his same level of knowledge or better. Get a new man!

freebirdmac · 03-28-2008, 05:32 AM

What works for one person may not work for another. Low carb is not for everyone. The proof is in the results.

That said, you should talk, calmly, to your bf and tell him that you are listening to him but that it's necessary for you to also find your own way through this. He may be right, he may be wrong, but that is not the issue. What is the issue is his attitude that his way is the only way. All you have to do is look through the posts and journals here and you will see that everyone has to find their own tweaks based on their body's responses.

It's great that he is supportive, however it ceases to be supportive when he tells you or implies that you are doing it all wrong. This is not black and white situation.

LinzersMH · 03-28-2008, 12:21 PM

Oh, men. The solution to every girlfriend problem they have is to just get rid of her altogether. Let me say that we are living together and have been together for 2 years. And you know what? BBing is his life and it is what he wants to do for the rest of it. So, with that said, he probably knows more than the average dude in the gym. He is very thorough and pain-stakingly researches every last detail about everything he does. That's what I trust him. So, no, it's not time for a new man. I love the one I have.
PS-And thank you for letting me know my age, I had no idea! :-P

Freebirdmac, thanks for the advice. That is really all I need to figure out, exactly what works for me, and I think he sometimes forgets that I am not him! lol Funny, but true. If I just keep doing what I am doing at my own pace, I know he will respect that. Sometimes I can get really down on myself and slip into terrible eating habits from out of nowhere, not from him or anything he did, just out of my own mind. But I have noticed that since I've been journaling, I feel better, A LOT better about myself because now I feel like I'm taking matters into my own hands and my workout has become mine. Now, it's just the mechanics that needs figuring out.

DeannaOnlyne · 03-28-2008, 02:40 PM

why are the guy responses so typical? grow up, get rid of him... Roll my eyes!

But, I get that way when my guy tries to teach me something or tell me something... I know he is trying to help me... But I don't usually see it until I've gotten so emotional that I've made it worse... It's usually when I either am finding something that's hard to do for me (and easy for him) or I disagree with him... I take it all wrong, it's just the way he says it! It's good to know that I'm not the only one who does that too... So, I think it's good advise from freebird. Figuring out what is good for you could be a team effort too. Show him what you're doing, and see if he wants to critique it.

My guy has started coming in to work out with me, and it's great because he is so much more knowledgeable on the weights and smaller muscles than I am. right now, he is really helpful, but I know eventually we'll irritate eachother somehow! I'll have to go and pout and stomp until we get to "make up"!

sif · 03-28-2008, 03:46 PM

Think about what you want from him.

Then tell him what you think/feel.
See what he does and says, and if the situation improves or not. Then you can take it from there. He can't make a change or treat you better without knowing what he's doing wrong.

Dangerousd37 · 03-28-2008, 04:53 PM

He's trying to help you he just doesn't know how. It's like the mother that nags about something in a negative way and they think they're helping- but they're not. Just talk to him- tell him you appreciate his help, but you would appreciate it more if he could ease up a little and instead do xyz ( you fill in the blanks). It's just the way men and women communicate in general. He's trying to help so don't get too mad at him. He knows you're into improving your health so he doesn't understand that you don't like that way of talk. Explain to him ways he can be helpful to you in your improvement process. If that doesn't help then tell him to treat you like he does his guy friends when it comes to fitness. All the Best :O)

SexyChic · 03-28-2008, 05:02 PM

Well whenever I am in your situation with my s/o, I just point out to him that I am capable of making my own decisions and he doesn't like if I tell him what to do (or nag) so I would appreciate it if he doesn't do it either.

If he does it again after that, I just simply ignore the comments

It actually works well if you can learn to be emotionally unattached to things that people say to you.

You are the only person responsible for your mood, therefore there shouldn't be anything that he can do or say to make you unhappy.

Don't let the comments get you down/angry/spiteful, b/c he is trying to help and has good intentions. He sounds like he is passionate about it and therefore holds himself to high standards. Then he holds those standards to you also.

elitist · 03-28-2008, 06:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LinzersMH

Thanks Dianita. It's always good to know that I'm not alone in the way I feel and that I'm not crazy! lol I have talked to him, but it's always when I've had enough and I start crying and go a little overboard. lol However, I think that's the only time I feel I can really get into his head because I'm being overly dramatic and emotional. I guess it's just an everyday process of learning to communicate myself more and more. I'm terrible at opening up to people because I've been hurt before when I did open up. It's just a process that I have to overcome.

Wow, does that sound familiar. Most people addressed your original problem in an appropriate manner, but let me advise you to break that cycle!

I am the exact same way. I did it with my last boyfriend and he wasn't smart enough to break up with me, so we were miserable for two years before finally breaking up - and I was the one to do it! My current boyfriend got me into this stuff and I am the luckiest person in the world that he is so patient and not-pushy with me, but I got emotional with him and cried on a regular basis about totally different things and he got fed up. I almost lost him because of my bull****.

Let me say, I totally hear you, but fix that situation for YOUR sake!

Defiant1 · 03-28-2008, 07:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LinzersMH

I'm in the process of creating a new, healthier me. I do, in the long run, want to lose fat, but I'm in no rush to do so, but mostly I just want to learn to make healthier choices day by day. I have a goal set, but no specific date to reach it by. I workout at least 3x/week, sometimes more and I have just started lifting weights. I think my eating habits are improving, but my thoughts are as long as what I eat fits into my macros and I get at least 30-45 minutes of a workout in, I feel better about myself. My problem is my boyfriend. He is very serious about BBing and losing fat and working out and eating clean. He can be very supportive and I am very lucky to have him because he is incredibly knowlegable and knows his stuff. Sometimes, he gives me "tough love" but to me, it's more like he's telling me that I have no clue what I'm doing and I should just do whatever he thinks is right and what I'm doing is completely wrong. For instance, today we were getting ready to leave to go to the pool and gym, when I felt like a snack. I grabbed a piece of Ezekial sprouted grain bread, some whipped cream cheese (about 1.5 tbsp) and a little SF strawberry jelly. I haven't had many carbs for the day, just a bowl of oatmeal, and the snack fit into my macros. But my BF started getting on my case about what I was eating. He said "If you seriously want to lose weight, you will never see results with food like that. It's all sugar and your glucose levels will spike and then you will have no energy!" My response was "I have only had about 75 grams of carbs today, so I'm fine. Plus, it's not like I'm eating simple carbs or white flour or white sugar." He said "You should only be eating about 75 carbs anyway!" The one word that bothered me was the word "should." There are a lot of things both of us SHOULD be doing, but as far as my eating habits go, what SHOULD I be doing and according to whom? I just hate that word. It makes me feel like what I am doing is wrong. Now, what he told me about my glucose is true, I know. I trust everything he says because he spends a lot of time researching about the body, foods, and bodybuilding. The problem is how he tells me these things. I just shut down and feel belittled and I don't even want to do anything. I know he means well and just wants me to succeed and push myself to my highest potential, but I don't react well to his comments like that.

Can anyone else relate? What's your opinion? I appreciate any comments, good or bad. I would love any outsiders opinion. Thanks girls.

His approach could've been better, but what he was saying was technically correct.

Men often give content as plainly as possible, without regards to delivery method. And many men like to be problem solvers. If you have asked him to help you, he is going to try to help you in a way that would work for him.

He meant well, just didn't say it correctly. IMO.

The whole idea of eating low carb is to minimize insulin levels. A single meal CAN mess your day up, but it is not a disaster.

My advice: be proud of your accomplishments so far, but realize you will always be learning and improving. Maybe tell him to chill on his approach a wee bit, because it discourages you. Then, part of his problem solving involves a change of approach.

LinzersMH · 03-29-2008, 12:42 AM

Wow, thank you to every positive person on these message boards! It's good to have people in the same boat as me.

Elitist- I know exactly what you are talking about because my BF and I have had a similar situation before when I wasn't doing my absolute best and he would get frustrated and it got to a point when we broke up. But eventually, I learned my lesson and I have been on the right path ever since. I just have my days when I am feeling down because we just moved to AZ from Cali and I have nobody else out here, except him. We come from completely opposite backgrounds, I grew up with a big, supportive, family. He lost his dad to cancer at 16 and his mom tried to send him away to a boarding school the day after his dad's funeral. Needless to say, he's been living on his own for 7 years. This is my first time out on my own. Mind you, it's only been 3 months since we have been living together. BUT-I do, like you said, want to end this crazy emotional cycle before it gets the best of us. I totally agree with you 100,000,000%!!!! Thanks again.

Defiant1- I LOVE what you said. Every word of it. I completely trust his judgements. He is well known on these boards, as well. He is currently one of the MANformation 2008 competitors. And I couldn't be more proud of how far he has come and what he has accomplished in the past year. And yes, now it is time to step up my game and get on the same level as him.

SexyChic- You couldn't be more correct! Do you know my BF, because that's something that he would say, to the T! Like I said, we come from different upbringings and experiences, so I just have to learn to think like a lone wolf from now on and not take everything so personally. He holds himself to very high standards-in everything that he does. After living with him for 3 months, it's starting to rub off on me, which is a good thing because I have always been the average person that just stands back and does what I am told. Now, it's time that I take charge and stand front and center, constantly.

This is a major breakthrough in my thinking. Thank for letting me share it with all of you. It feels amazing to talk to other people with different perspectives and put it all together so I can see it in my own light. Aaah...now I am going to go eat my chicken. Case closed. Have an awesome weekend everyone!
And from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

SexyChic · 03-29-2008, 05:57 PM

You are very welcome

Good luck with your goals!

bifodus · 03-29-2008, 08:57 PM

I would recommend that you simply ask your boyfriend to be less of a teacher and more of a supporter. This might sound harsh, but I've been in a position similar to your boyfriend's before, and I have learned that I would never in a million years want to be in that position again. Being in a close relationship with your "teacher" doesn't end well, since their advice often sounds condescending rather than helpful, and both people end up frustrated. No one likes being "taught" by someone close to them, since they want to sustain a feeling of equality.

LinzersMH · 03-30-2008, 01:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bifodus

I would recommend that you simply ask your boyfriend to be less of a teacher and more of a supporter. This might sound harsh, but I've been in a position similar to your boyfriend's before, and I have learned that I would never in a million years want to be in that position again. Being in a close relationship with your "teacher" doesn't end well, since their advice often sounds condescending rather than helpful, and both people end up frustrated. No one likes being "taught" by someone close to them, since they want to sustain a feeling of equality.

Not harsh at all. Very good point made, actually. You are right, actually, I don't like to be taught by someone that is close to me, family included.

MountainSong · 03-30-2008, 12:39 PM

This is how I would 'relate' to the b/f.

There is such a thing as being Co-dependent, and it's not a healthy place to be. I believe it is at the root of all the breakups. I also believe, personally, in "To thine own self, be true".
When I was younger, I believed in the fairy tales and was just crushed when things didn't happen the way I thought they should.
When people are codependent, they are insecure. Insecurity is depending on that other person to 'fix' me, make me whole. Today, I much prefer to bring a whole person already into any relationship. Insecurity is the seed of jealousy and possessiveness. And potentially, anger. If I am secure in myself, it doesn't matter what "they" do. I don't really want to possess or 'own' anyone.
If they want their 'own space' as we often do, give it to them.
For me, love is like holding a dove in the open palm of my hand, not in a cold, crushing fist. From the open palm, she may fly, but she may come back to me. In a crushed fist, she may fly and never be seen again.
Also, when I was younger, if I didn't get someone up to my standards, I lowered my standards. Today, I wont do that. Mark Twain said, "The worst kind of lonliness is to be uncomfortable with yourself."
We always talk about people "playing games" I think that's a great sign of codependency, insecurity, selfishness, possessiveness, and jealousy. I know if they are flirting, or even have an affair, if she comes back it's because she loves me as much as I love her. If not, then out of love I hope she has found happiness. either way, I am still secure in who I am and true to myself.

Paradoxical_Nihilism · 04-01-2008, 11:44 AM

my girlfriend is nothing but supportive of everything i do/try to eat well/etc but the issue comes along when my mom gets into it (im leaving for college next year... so that should help a bit :P)

such comments as when i dont want to have gravy all over my turkey like "oh dont be obsessive" pisses me off beyond reason.

its tough because i cant really go and buy all my own food and whatnot currently (between school and car payments i can barely afford supps nevermind food) so im sorta forced to eat whatever we have.

we're a VERY greek family, so its all about fats and tasty greasy food. which i dont even really like the taste of in the first place. i do what i can for now, but comments like that make me so angry. i flipped on her once (shes pretty overweight and always complains about it) along the lines of "sorry i !(@^!@#*ing take care of myself, i'd rather not end up like you or dad when im 50)

...i dont think she liked it very much, but she kinda got the point.

tell him you hate when he makes those comments, honesty has done nothing but help my relationship (of three years) with my girlfriend

dianita23 · 04-01-2008, 03:58 PM

I was just trying to help with some advice and makes me so mad to have people posting such negative things and you guys prob know who im talking about. I thought this place was to help each other out and give some good advice. That just upsets me that there are *******s out there that just talk because they have a mouth.