I was hoping to get some serious responses on here from "older" miscers. I'm sure there are a few guys who have dealt with something similar.
I have this buddy I have known for a few years now. He is a year or two older than me. I met him at the gym and we started hanging out outside of the gym. My lease was up at the last place and I moved in with him and found out he has some obvious mental issues (maybe biopolar) and he was a real dick to live with. Some of it was typical roommate s**t like eating all my food, taking my toilet paper, making a mess, being loud all night, etc. Some of it was real ******* type stuff. For example, one time he made me move my car from the driveway when he was having a party with old friends and told me "parking isn't including in the rent", it turned out it was just one guy coming over. It also turned out it was his parents apartment and they foot the bill for rent an all the crap. He mostly smokes weed and plays video games all day. Needless to say, I moved out rather quickly, but made the mistake of staying in contact.
About a year ago I got set up with a great job in a new city. He kept hassling me to visit, so I caved in and agreed. I introduced him to my friends in the new city, but it did not go well. He made a big scene at the party and demanded to leave. Since I drove I had to take him home. I should have cut contact with him right then. Luckily, there were no females at this party that I was interested in because I felt like a little bitch.
About a month ago I caved again and let him visit. I guess I feel sorry for him because he is bipolar or whatever. This time I made sure not to make any plans with any other friends and thought we could go to movies, bars, etc. Once he got here he didn't want to leave and just wanted to sit on my couch, smoke massive amounts of weed, and play video games. I'd suggest a movie and he'd respond "I only like independent movies, these mainstream movies are too dumbed down". I'd suggest a bar "I don't like to drunk or hang around drunks, weed is so much better." Etc, etc.
Since then he's texted me every 4-5 days to hang out. Quite frankly, I don't want him here because I don't want to spend all weekend hanging around my place with him. It's miserable. I've got other stuff to do and do not want to sit on a couch all weekend with another grown man who just wants to smoke pot and complain about his parents who pay all his bills. I keep telling him I am busy and that I quit smoking some time ago, but like clockwork he contacts me every weekend. I'm no longer 17, have better things to do with my time, and don't want to have "slumber parties" with another grown man. He needs to grow the fukk up, but he's been saying the same s**t for a few years now and he still hasn't worked anywhere for a few weeks. Do I just keep telling him I am busy until he gets the idea?
EDIT: Ummmm... I guess this sounds kind of gay. But, no it's not gay... Only reason he stayed over was because he lives 2-3 hours away. Honestly, if he lived closer I could probably deal with him in short spurts, but I don't want to waste another weekend. I have better stuff to do.
|
-
09-06-2011, 01:51 PM #1
How does an adult male "break up" with a friend?
-
09-06-2011, 01:59 PM #2
- Join Date: Dec 2008
- Location: New Jersey, United States
- Age: 56
- Posts: 15,404
- Rep Power: 54295
If you're a non-confrontational-type of person, then yes, I supposed that would eventually work. Myself, I'm more likely to tell him exactly WHY I thought things weren't working out and give him the opportunity to reply and/or give his view of the situation. But I realize this kind of thing is not for everyone. My directness is my trademark.
Sheriff John Brown always hated me
For what I don't know
Every time I plant a seed
He said kill them before they grow
-
09-06-2011, 02:07 PM #3
-
09-06-2011, 02:10 PM #4
Directness is best. In this case, you could simply say...look, I think we just don't have a lot in common anymore, and it's just time for us to go our separate ways. See where that takes you. Don't let someone bully you into being in their life, nor should you be someone's friend out of pity. I hope it goes well, whatever you decide.
-
-
09-06-2011, 02:11 PM #5
-
09-06-2011, 02:19 PM #6
-
09-06-2011, 02:22 PM #7
-
09-06-2011, 02:24 PM #8
I feel like saying I am busy is pretty direct, don't you? But, perhaps it's not direct enough if he is going to continue to talk to me. I guess I feel like the distance should be enough of a barrier at this point.
I guess I am pretty much non-confrontational unless I have to be. This is a pretty unique direction. He's actually been somewhat confrontational in the past, but it's always been very irrational and there's no point in responding. He has also started talking about how cool guns are and that kind of has me spooked, especially when you consider he is on medication and is mixing it with pot.
A lot of it is pity. If he's contacting someone who lives hours away every weekend then he obviously doesn't have any friends. What exactly would someone say? I've never been in this situation before. "Stop texting to me until you quit smoking pot and get a job"? Really, it's none of my business what he does, I just don't want to be involved.
-
-
09-06-2011, 02:27 PM #9
-
09-06-2011, 02:28 PM #10No brain, no gain.
"The fitness and nutrition world is a breeding ground for obsessive-compulsive behavior. The irony is that many of the things people worry about have no impact on results either way, and therefore aren't worth an ounce of concern."--Alan Aragon
Where the mind goes, the body follows.
Ironwill Gym:
https://forum.bodybuilding.com/showpost.php?p=629719403&postcount=3388
Ironwill2008 Journal:
https://forum.bodybuilding.com/showthread.php?t=157459343&p=1145168733
-
09-06-2011, 02:30 PM #11
I don't see the point in listing examples. Seems kind of petty. I'd venture to guess he knows he is a douche. He does s**t and then either blames it on new medication he is taking or because he didn't take his medication. If it comes down to it, don't you guys think "I got too much going on right now to sit around all weekend and smoke and play video games" would get the message across? Although, I don't even want to send him a text about smoking or whatever. I don't want that crap on my phone.
-
09-06-2011, 02:34 PM #12
I agree... I need to stop caving. That is my plan right now.
As for telling him he needs to grow the fukk up, I don't really think that is my place if it's not impacting me. If we are not hanging out then it's no longer impacting me. It's his parents fault for babying him and continuing to give him an allowance even though he is 30. I did tell him once he should try to stick it out at a job. He was bitching about his parents telling him what to do (he was probably 29 at the time) and I said if you paid your own bills you wouldn't have to listen to them. He flipped out said it's not his fault his parents are multi-millionares and can support him. Then he blamed it on his new medication and the alcohol he drank because he's not use to drinking.
Basically, any type of "confrontation" results in him acting like a 14 year old girl or some type of victim. If I did say "you're a dick, I don't want to hangout" and I knew he would just tell me to "f**k off, *******" it wouldn't be a problem. But, he'd flip out and I don't know what he's capable of... I just remembered once we went boating and he purposely tried to hit crush a bird in between the boat and the dock.
-
-
09-06-2011, 02:36 PM #13
He probably doesn't know .... If he did, do you think he would act that way around a friend? He might be unaware that his behavior is bothering you (which is why I would list examples of things he does that get on your nerves). If he DOES know, yet does it anyway, then I would have no problem telling him off.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
-
09-06-2011, 02:39 PM #14
I didn't read all that, but it's very simple. Put him on ignore. Eventually he will stop calling. If you have plans cancel them and tell him something came up, or be hoenst adn just tell him you don't feel like it.
I'm a heartless bastard though, so I don't find doing this one bit difficult.
Prolly why I have no friends too.Insta: flexjs
Perseverance, Inc.
Spring Supremacy 2018 - 620/345/615 @ 50 yrs old
RIP Gene Rychlak
-
09-06-2011, 02:40 PM #15
-
09-06-2011, 02:41 PM #16
-
-
09-06-2011, 02:43 PM #17
FWIW, OP, I've been in the same kind of situation, minus the weed. In my case, I didn't bother listing examples of the other person's douchebaggery--your "friend" sounds like the type who either wouldn't listen, wouldn't care, or both--my ex-friend was the same way. He'd always justify his bad behaviour by saying "oh, this is what I am, this is who I am....." yada yada yada....
I just stopped listening. He wanted someone to leech off of and that someone was me. Don't you be "that guy." Simply not text him back. If he calls you, hang up. He'll get the message. And if he's stupid enough to come over unannounced, ignore him. It works."Don't call me Miss Kitty. Just...don't."--Catnip. Check out the Catnip Trilogy on Amazon.com
"Chivalry isn't dead. It just wears a skirt."--Twisted, the YA gender bender deal of the century!
Check out my links to Mr. Taxi, Star Maps, and other fine YA Action/Romance novels at http://www.amazon.com/J.S.-Frankel/e/B004XUUTB8/ref=dp_byline_cont_ebooks_1
-
09-06-2011, 02:48 PM #18
-
09-06-2011, 02:55 PM #19
-
09-06-2011, 02:57 PM #20
- Join Date: Aug 2006
- Location: San Diego, California, United States
- Posts: 34,893
- Rep Power: 238066
You sound sincere so i will go easy on you.
There is one thing you can do to end this once and for all.
when he texts you, delete it and dont reply to it.
Every time you reply it encourages this behavior and resets his confidence that you like him.
Its like you have a dog and when it pisses on the floor, you pat it on the head and say good boy. what do you expect will happen next time?"To be a warrior is not a simple matter of wishing to be one. It is rather an endless struggle that will go on to the very last moment of our lives. Nobody is born a warrior, in exactly the same way that nobody is born an average man. We make ourselves into one or the other."-- Carlos Castaneda
-
-
09-06-2011, 02:59 PM #21
- Join Date: Dec 2008
- Location: New Jersey, United States
- Age: 56
- Posts: 15,404
- Rep Power: 54295
-
09-06-2011, 02:59 PM #22
-
09-06-2011, 03:06 PM #23
- Join Date: Nov 2010
- Location: San Bernardino, California, United States
- Age: 59
- Posts: 32,348
- Rep Power: 187052
Wait, let me get this straight.
Your the Alpha Dog and you trying to break off a bro-mance.
Just tell him you dont like hanging out with him.
or perhapse his feelings are more important than yours?!?
What are you afraid of?
that he's gonna boil your bunny.Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude. – Thomas Jefferson
Be yourself; Everyone else is already taken. - Oscar Wilde
-
09-06-2011, 03:22 PM #24
-
-
09-06-2011, 03:23 PM #25
-
09-06-2011, 03:26 PM #26
There's nothing wrong with asking yourself, OP...does this person bring value to my life? Every person has value as a human being...but I have had to ask myself this over the years. If someone just wants to bring you down...doesn't add to your life really...time to cut 'em out. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt, but at the end of the day, I don't take sh*t off people, anymore. Good luck to you; sucks to end a friendship, but this sounds pretty one sided, if you ask me.
-
09-06-2011, 03:29 PM #27
-
09-06-2011, 03:30 PM #28
-
-
09-06-2011, 03:32 PM #29No brain, no gain.
"The fitness and nutrition world is a breeding ground for obsessive-compulsive behavior. The irony is that many of the things people worry about have no impact on results either way, and therefore aren't worth an ounce of concern."--Alan Aragon
Where the mind goes, the body follows.
Ironwill Gym:
https://forum.bodybuilding.com/showpost.php?p=629719403&postcount=3388
Ironwill2008 Journal:
https://forum.bodybuilding.com/showthread.php?t=157459343&p=1145168733
-
09-06-2011, 03:34 PM #30
Friends come and go in life. Let this one go.
Like you, OP, I try to be non confrontational, so I would probably just talk to and text him as little as possible, and always have some excuse why we couldn't hang out. Eventually, he will ge the idea.
The direct method is equally valid. Either way, you need to quit hanging around with this guy, IMO.
Bookmarks