Today is Day 90 for me, and as promised, here is my comprehensive post about it. I am just going to throw it all out here, so it may be a little disorganized. Obviously, the idea of writing a huge thesis on No-Fap for a bunch of internet friends isn't entirely enticing, but I feel I owe it to many of you as it is probably the best thing I have every done for myself.
I guess I should start with some details about myself. I grew up as a fat kid with no friends... you know the story. Low self-esteem and self-worth, no girl friends, and hardly any guy friends. No sports, not much at all to live for. Poor academic performance on top of that. The people I did befriend I gave my everything to. That was all I really had. I remember figuring out what exactly fapping was one night when I was thirteen. After obviously becoming heavily enticed with the feeling, I introduced porn into the equation and the rest is history. I would fap probably eight to ten times a week from the age of thirteen on.
Once I turned 16 I decided that I was through being fat, so I lost about 75 pounds total during my junior year of high school. I was still the same kid, just skinny and flabby. Girls started coming out of the woodwork, confidence developed little by little, and I discovered proper nutrition and dieting. But I was still a pretty insecure pile of skin, fat, and bone. Still fapped during this time because I was still a virgin and there was no end to that in sight. I continued to fight constant bouts of one-itis with females throughout the remainder of high school, and it continued on to the beginning of college. Eventually, I got a job in sales, ascended to a management position and dropped out of classes to make more money, and gained about 40 pounds of lean body mass. I saved money, taught myself the things I loved, and worked decently hard. Now I am as confident as can be and have no real trouble with anything I work hard toward. But fapping remained, and I never really thought it was a problem.
This past fall, I was playing in a football game that my team desperately needed to win. The conditions outside were poor, and it was a low-scoring game. The team had started me at wide receiver because I was one of the fastest players on my team despite my size, and one of the most athletic ones there. In the third quarter I got behind the guy matched up on me and the quarterback laid one right on my hands. I would have walked in to the end zone and given my team a comfortable lead. Instead, I lost my focus and looked up-field way too early, dropped the ball and it deflected into the hands of a defender, who managed to return it for a touchdown. We lost that game.
While this may seem insignificant, this one event in my life is really what caused this whole thing. After that game I just sat in silence the whole way home. I just thought about all the times I had ever disappointed myself, and all the times I slacked off. I decided that I would pinpoint all of the things that I did not like about myself, and take steps to change them. An addiction to diet soft drinks and a bad fapping habit were both some things I wanted to eliminate. Four days later, I saw this thread, and began No Fap. Two weeks after that, I drank my last diet soft drink.
At first, No Fap came pretty easily to me. By the time I had reached adult years (18+) I really only fapped 3-4 times a week (with porn). I had done a No Fap month before, so I knew I had a few weeks in me. The first two to three weeks were filled with strength gains, talking to more people, walking with posture and purpose, and lots of smiles. I approached more females than I normally would. I would not be intimidated by much. I had a job interview around week 3. The woman who interviewed me ate my **** for breakfast, lunch and dinner and hired me on the spot. I have since left the job due to a few creative differences, but the results hit me hard and I began to realize that this was not just the product of a simple placebo effect.
Shortly after this interview, I met someone in the gym who wanted to recruit me for his football team. It is officially termed a "semi-pro" / amateur team. So I began to train with him in preparation for the team combine in March. We have become great friends and we work hard every single day together. I noticed that my lifts were progressing nicely each week (aided by a small increase in calories consumed) and that we were both improving athletically and functionally. I began being known as one of the friendliest people in the gym, working out with a wide array of others at times, learning names, recognizing people, and making conversation. It all was becoming easier for me (I never had a real problem with this, but in my head I just WANTED to be more of a social butterfly). I had become so much more goal-oriented than at any previous point in my life. Then I made a decision that I think is the most adult one I have ever made in my life.
I applied to a local community college, got accepted, and paid out of pocket for more than the required amount of credit hours. I am going back to school and pursuing an education. This has always come difficult for me because I was always the kid in high school who just skated by despite having some potential to do some good things. I just didn't care. I was a lazy piece of fat unmotivated ****. But not anymore. I felt this fire inside of me during to my football workouts, the reception I received from other people, and all of the other good things I was doing. So it was time for it to all come full-circle. I start next Tuesday. I am extremely motivated, and a full 4.0 is my goal. Then I want to move on to a good university.
Overall, No Fap may or may not be a placebo effect. I really don't know. But what I do know, is that defeating this urge (the strongest urge known to man) has given me the energy and direction required to conquer anything I want to conquer. It has made me realize that hard work and discipline are required, but I can truly do anything. It has allowed me to pour my heart into my passions. It has helped me to look at life as a constant challenge, and that I must improve myself and help others every day. Sexual transmutation is a very real thing, and after much reading, I am positive that sexual transmutation is taking place inside my body. I have channeled my sexual energy into every single thing I want to do in this life, and it is working 110%.
Physically, I made great gains in the gym during this time. Adding five pounds on every lift every week, looking pretty big despite some small fat gains, cardio endurance has gone up, and most importantly, there is no more quit in me. I've been able to persevere a lot of hard training so far, but I just never quit. I always have gas in the tank. My motor does not run out as long as the fire burns. Skin has cleared up, hair has become stronger and fuller (and it grows quicker), and recovery has sped up post-workout. I feel like the best version of myself in each new day,
Mentally, I have experienced a great calm over the past 90 days. I am able to think critically about things, make snap decisions that usually end up being the right ones, and I generally have a great attitude about myself and where I am going. I have the ability to dedicate myself to a task and to communicate my ideas fluently and efficiently. I have taken up reading and now love it. I still love Misc'ing but now I find myself searching for the useful topics and most of all, giving advice to those who need it. I feel it is my duty.
Sexually, admittedly I have not experienced much. I have not engaged in sexual activity over the course of the past 90 days. I can feel that my standards have dropped. I could have had sex with maybe 23 different girls over this time but I am so dedicated to my goals and ambitions that I just have not wanted the distraction. Morning wood is a problem but it passes. I have not had many wet dreams. When I next have sex with a girl, I am going to tell her straight up what the deal is. I'm gunna bust fast, but then be ready for round 2 rather quickly, and that'll be the end of it. I don't associate with trashy women, and I don't do ONS with chicks, so she will understand.
I don't know what is next for me. I start school next week... I am two months out from this football combine I have worked so hard to perform well at... I am turning 21 this year. Who knows. But what I do know is that, despite getting a few strong urges a week, I will move past them and not fap again. I am so afraid that if I fap, my drive will go away. I wanna keep this fire lit because I feel like I cannot be stopped. It's the God's honest truth. Sexual transmutation is real and it is at work here. So it can be a placebo... that's fine. All I care about now, whether it is one or not, is that every day I am a better version of myself.
I will answer any questions you may have.
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