ROFL @ this review of the Fast & the Furious Tokyo Drift

PRiSM92289 · 06-25-2006, 02:46 PM

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This is the most ridiculous one of them all, but for some strange reason, it wasn't the worse. I'm not one to talk about plots in movies where there's obviously going to be a stool infested plot, but this just takes the cake. Luckily I didn't see any morons try to drift their FWD cars in the parking lot. Then again, I saw it early and the kids in there were a couple years shy of a driver's license and a sense of reality.

The movie starts off with Sling Blade in high school. Don't mind that Sling Blade looks like he's 34. Actually, it's a high possibility that he's 34 and still in high school, but somewhere in the movie someone mentions he's 17. There goes my theory. In any event, Sling Blade gets caught up in a pissing war with none other than Tim "The Toolman" Taylor's son (I'm going to call him Toolboy). They play monkey swords for a bit and decide to race. The winner gets a crack at Toolboy's skanky girlfriend. Toolboy laughs at Sling Blade's old jalopy and touts his Dad's Viper with Borla exhaust pushing 500hp (this was the most technical part of the movie, which was a big improvement over the first two). Sling Blade shows off his horrible driving skills, Toolboy flips his Dad's Viper with his ho in it. Not to be outdone, Sling Blade flips his car after he wins the race. They end up at the police station. Toolboy and skank ho are off the hook because Daddy has money. It's not so easy for Sling Blade. He's about to face serious prison time, but here comes trailer trash mommy to save the day. It wasn't shown, but it was implied that mommy sucked off some police donuts. Sling Blade is free or is he? End Scene.

For no apparent reason, Sling Blade gets shipped to Japan. Great segue (that's transition for the slow). Sling Blade arrives at his Dad's shack to find some random whore sucking off some good old American Navy meat. "While you are under my roof, you abide by my rules. No driving. Now go get me a 40oz, lotion and some anime." That was basically the gist of the scene.

Sling Blade learns Japanese somewhere along the line. He now has his eyes set on a new slut, which turns out to be Drift King's girlfriend. I'm going to call Drift King, Donkey Kong, because that's what Sling Blade calls him in the movie. I want to be as accurate as possible in this review. Sling Blade meets Twinkie (Bow Wow), what a fitting name. Twinkie takes Sling Blade to the underground races and starts another sausage sword battle with Donkey Kong. There is one dilemma; Sling Blade doesn't have a car to race. Don't fear, as reality sets in, some stranger (I'm going to call him Jesus) in the crowd wants to see what Sling Blade is made of and gives him the keys to his riced out Silvia. So they race in the parking lot and surprise, surprise, Sling Blade demolishes the Silvia. No problem, Jesus brushes it off like nothing, but now Sling Blade is his sex slave.

He brings Sling Blade to his shop and gives him an Evo. "What, do you think I would let you roll in a Kia?" You can't help but like Jesus. He's a stand up guy. Jesus starts to train Sling Blade on how to drift. Of course, Sling Blade does horribly. So how does he become a better drifter? The only logical and correct answer is to change the spark plugs.

Oh before I forget, somewhere along the line Twinkie gets a Rodney King style beat down for selling a broken iPod. One of the highlights of the movie. It was unfortunate that Sling Blade had to stop the fight.

Back to Jesus. Donkey Kong and Jesus are partners in some kind of crime ring. Unfortunately, they get into a dispute because Donkey Kong's mafia uncle (Hatori Hanzo, from Kill Bill) found out that Jesus was pocketing some extra cash. It's Jesus! He can do whatever the hell he wants. However, that doesn't come without consequence. Donkey Kong and his goons chase Sling Blade and Jesus throughout Tokyo. It ends in tragedy for Jesus. I was in tears when this happened. The moral of this story? Not even Jesus can steal from Donkey Kong. I tried to steal from Donkey Kong once, but he kept throwing barrels at me and Mario couldn't jump fast enough.

Sling Blade challenges Donkey Kong to another race to make it right with Hatori Hanzo. The loser leaves the city. Oh no! There are no more cars left, the police raided Jesus' shop and took all the cars. What to do, what to do. How about taking the engine from the Silvia that Sling Blade demolished and putting it in an old Mustang? But where do we get an old Mustang with no engine? By sheer coincidence, Sling Blade's dad has one sitting in his garage! I will leave it at that. I don't want to spoil the whole story.

You must see this movie just for the cameo appearance by Vin Diesel. It's going to give you a weird feeling that you will never experience again. It's like you're excited but ashamed that you are excited. However, you are somehow angry that he's in the movie, but content, because you knew you would be angry anyway by the sheer stupidity of the movie. Then when he starts talking you just gaze at the movie screen. It's like watching a car crash into an orphanage, catch fire and witness kids jumping out the window and landing on a masturbating squirrel. Now, I don't know what a masturbating squirrel looks like, but I assume it would be like watching the last part of that scene. It was an emotional roller-coaster.

now I have to see it

youngNhopefull · 06-25-2006, 02:48 PM

lmao.. sling blade..really i dont think it was too bad of a movie, actually pretty entertaining to me.

Brasmonky · 06-25-2006, 02:50 PM

after i watched the first one, i felt like some one had been beating me in the head with bricks. I actually had a head ache and felt like i had been beating retarded. I would rather swim in an aids infested needle pit than watch any of those **** fest movies again.