Engaged.....had an encounter......now second thoughts?

[upslogger19]

Sorry this is so long, I just need to get some thoughts out. Well you might have read some threads on here before about me but if not here is a quick background. Basically, I am almost 24, my fiance is 22, and we have been together for over 6 years with a 4-5 month break in the middle somewhere. We got engaged over New Years and I am happy. I think.

Here's the thing. I dated a girl named Danielle very briefly when I was 17, her 15 or 16 I dont remember. I was a senior, she was a sophmore. This was before I really even knew my GF/fiance very well. These two girls were friends but not very good ones. So we partied together, messed around and stuff and I really liked her but then she moved away for a few years. After she moved I started dating my gf/fiance a few months later and the rest is history.

So fast forward to this past weekend. Me and my girl live accross the state now and we went back home to see our families and stuff. So I go out to the bar with a bunch of old high school friends (but not my gf) and Danielle was there. I have seen her maybe once or twice in the past 6 years but never for more than 5 or 10 minutes. So at the bar we just talked for like an hour straight while everyone else was partying, dancing, playing pool, etc. We talked about how we both regretted not being able to date longer and remenised about old times and stuff. All these old feelings just came flooding back.

So when I had to go she grabbed my hand, gave me a hug and kissed me on the cheek. I will tell you, I have not gotten that worked up over a hug and kiss in my life. I should say one more thing. My gf and her are not really friends anymore but they still have mutual friends and stuff.

Now ever since then I absolutely cannot stop thinking about her. I get butterflies in my stomach when I do. But I know I love my finance. So did seeing Danielle and flirting with her just make me see what I will be missing when I am married? Or do you think I should rethink this marriage business? I am just crushing like mad on this girl but cheating is not my style so I know I can't persue anything unless I do something drastic. We are not getting married until next summer, so I guess I got some time to think about it. I dont even know if I am looking for advice or what, I just needed to tell this to somebody because it has been eating at me all week.

[darkangel]

If there's any doubt in your mind, you're not ready to get married. When you're engaged to someone you truly love, you may admire the passing scenery, but you're not gonna have second thoughts and regrets like you're having. Instead, you would have left this encounter with Danielle thinking, "She's cool, but I can't imagine marrying anyone but my fiance."

I'm speaking as one who's been there. Don't make the serious commitment of marriage if you're still hung up on someone else. And breaking the engagement's only going to get more difficult and hurtful for your fiance the longer you put it off. You need to do some soul searching and make a decision... soon.

[IceDragon]

Whatever you do, don't do it.

I know this may not be agreed with by anyone else, but I think what you're after is the "unattainable", you think somehow you'll be missing out once you're married, so want one more fling or something stupid like that.

If you love your fiance as much as you say you do, resist it and let this other girl go. A potential marriage is NOT worth f*cking up over a quick fumble in the back seat, but if there are problems, address them before you do anything else.

Stick with the one you have. Try to put the extra feelings you have into the relationship with your fiance - it might work, but you're going to have to do it.

[Peterson]

Sounds like you just need to get this girl off your mind man! This might be more difficult to do if she's more attractive than your fiance but you must try! Just try and forget the whole thing happened, go do something that will take her off your mind, get in a bar fight or something

[honeynut]

I think you should take this as a lesson. I cannot tell you whether or not you're ready to get married, but I can promise you that if you think this is the only time you're ever going to be tempted, you're sadly mistaken. Being faithful is about choosing your partner every time you're faced with temptation, or every time you think it might be better/easier/more fun to choose someone or something else than her and your relationship.

Sometimes choosing her is going to be flat out easy... no contest. Should actually be that way the majority of the time. But every now and again, someone is going to make you realize why a faithful monogamous partnership requires work - it takes effort to keep making the right choice. You've just got to stay close to your reasons for making the same choice over and over again.

Edited to add emphasis in the original text to point out that never did I imply you are either ready or not ready for marriage.

[upslogger19]

You see thats the thing. I couldnt see myself marrying anyone else. I dont think I would want to marry this other girl, I just have a crush on her. I feel like I'm in high school again. But having this happen made me realize maybe I'm NOT ready yet even though I felt like I was for awhile now. I just dont know how I could break it off now, I mean we live together and neither one of us really has anywhere else to go. I bought my house and she is a senior in college so she cant afford to live anywhere else. I think that maybe I am just realizing that I wont be able to date anyone else EVER again. Its just scary.

[honeynut]

Originally Posted by upslogger19

You see thats the thing. I couldnt see myself marrying anyone else. I dont think I would want to marry this other girl, I just have a crush on her. I feel like I'm in high school again. But having this happen made me realize maybe I'm NOT ready yet even though I felt like I was for awhile now. I just dont know how I could break it off now, I mean we live together and neither one of us really has anywhere else to go. I bought my house and she is a senior in college so she cant afford to live anywhere else. I think that maybe I am just realizing that I wont be able to date anyone else EVER again. Its just scary.

Chalk it up to cold feet. Normal.

[upslogger19]

Well I have never cheated in 6 years (I did have some fun in that 5 month break thought, lol) so I wont be having a fling with her. I just feel like I need a break to make sure I want to get married now. They are both very attractive, but there is something about this other girl that just drives me crazy, I just dont know what it is. Its just one of those things where you think about what might have been, and then she is just back in town now and my old feelings are coming back. I seriously feel like driving accross the state just to go to lunch with her or something.

[upslogger19]

Its like in one of those movies where an old flame that you thought was gone forever comes back and they get together and live happily ever after.

The problem is that in the movies the old fiance is always a bitch/dick so it's ok that they broke. That wouldnt be the case here.

[upslogger19]

Oh and I have listened to this song about 10 times today because its how I feel.

Howard Jones, No One is to Blame

You can look at the menu but you just can’t eat
You can feel the cushions but you can’t have a seat
You can dip your foot in the pool but you can’t have a swim
You can feel the punishment but you can’t commit the sin
And you want her and she wants you
We want everyone
And you want her and she wants you
No one, no one, no one ever is to blame

[darkangel]

I have to respectfully disagree with honeynut.

I remember standing at the back of the church the day I got married (young, right out of college) thinking, "What am I doing?" I chalked it up to cold feet. I was wrong. I'm a big believer in listening to your gut. There's a difference between finding someone besides your fiance sexy and attractive, but this sounds like more than a brief, physical attraction.

Also, be careful you don't go thru with the marriage because you're already living together and it would be difficult to break it off. Taking the path of least resistance now may lead to worse problems later.

I don't mean to sound negative, but I think you owe it to yourself and your fiance to work thru your feelings and don't discount them as "cold feet." I'd advise you to talk to a counselor or minister, someone who will be able to help you sort through your conflicting feelings and make the right decision.

[upslogger19]

Also, my sister got married at 21 and divorced at 23. I do not want that happening to me. I want to make the right decisions but its not easy. We also have to dogs together so that complicates it a little because we treat them like children, lol.

[Amris]

Let's sum it up:

"I can't see myself with anyone but my fiance."

"I am indulging in fantasies about other women, and talking with them for hours at a bar because my head is too far up my ass to walk away when I start getting feelings."



Yep, you're right, don't marry your fiance, because you're an ass who doesn't know how to deal with temptation.

I'm with honeynut in part... temptation on a major level will happen for you throughout your marriage. But I disagree with her on one point. YOU are not ready for marriage, because you are an ass.

I understand where DA is coming from, but normal people go through normal fears. If every person who got married followed their gut, 98% of marriages would never happen, because the vast majority of people experience a very understandable fear that they MIGHT be missing out on something.

I think you owe it to your fiance to let her find someone that won't go around spending hours at a bar talking to old flames. Who won't go around getting crushes and questioning the relationship because all he cares about is thinking about gratifying himself with another woman. You clearly don't love her anywhere NEAR as much as you claim you do, or you wouldn't have indulged yourself in your fantasies about this other girl to begin with.

As long as you are this stupid about dealing with temptation, you will never be ready to get married, EVER. Every time you see someone HOT and "SPECIAL," you will get regrets about your marriage. You're an immature ass.

[Tony Toni Tone]

First off, you dont even know the gift you have by having a fiance. Having a fiance is supposed to be a happy time. This is a woman who is making an emotional investment in you - who has agreed to spend the rest of her life with you.

Put it this way - if my girlfriend was seeing old flames and crushing on them, I damn would want her to tell me.

Stop this fantasy bull**** and be responsible.

Be a man. 6 years thrown away for a ho? **** that man

[upslogger19]

Originally Posted by Amris

Let's sum it up:

"I can't see myself with anyone but my fiance."

"I am indulging in fantasies about other women, and talking with them for hours at a bar because my head is too far up my ass to walk away when I start getting feelings."



Yep, you're right, don't marry your fiance, because you're an ass who doesn't know how to deal with temptation.

I'm with honeynut in part... temptation on a major level will happen for you throughout your marriage. But I disagree with her on one point. YOU are not ready for marriage, because you are an ass.

I understand where DA is coming from, but normal people go through normal fears. If every person who got married followed their gut, 98% of marriages would never happen, because the vast majority of people experience a very understandable fear that they MIGHT be missing out on something.

I think you owe it to your fiance to let her find someone that won't go around spending hours at a bar talking to old flames. Who won't go around getting crushes and questioning the relationship because all he cares about is thinking about gratifying himself with another woman. You clearly don't love her anywhere NEAR as much as you claim you do, or you wouldn't have indulged yourself in your fantasies about this other girl to begin with.

As long as you are this stupid about dealing with temptation, you will never be ready to get married, EVER. Every time you see someone HOT and "SPECIAL," you will get regrets about your marriage. You're an immature ass.

WOW. First of all, I talked to her for about an hour at the bar. I did not "indulge in any fantasies" as you say. I fully admitted that I was having second thoughts. You say I am stupid about dealing with temptation? I didnt do anything with her! I have seen and flirted with hundreds of girls at bars over the last few years and have NEVER had a temption problem. So this happens ONCE, and I dont do anything except for THINK about whether or not I do doing the right thing by getting married and you say I am immature and stupid??? Who is really the immature and stupid one here that has to resort to name calling. You make it sound like I go out and do this all the time. Then you say alls I think about is gratifying myself with other women? Where the fukc do you get off saying that?

I am just having second thoughts about getting married right now and maybe I do feel like I will be missing out on some things in life. Your post was very offbase and I don't think your assesment of my situation is accurate at all.

Thank you to honeynut and darkangel for your helpful posts.

[Tony Toni Tone]

Originally Posted by upslogger19

WOW. First of all, I talked to her for about an hour at the bar. I did not "indulge in any fantasies" as you say. I fully admitted that I was having second thoughts. You say I am stupid about dealing with temptation? I didnt do anything with her! I have seen and flirted with hundreds of girls at bars over the last few years and have NEVER had a temption problem. So this happens ONCE, and I dont do anything except for THINK about whether or not I do doing the right thing by getting married and you say I am immature and stupid??? Who is really the immature and stupid one here that has to resort to name calling. You make it sound like I go out and do this all the time. Then you say alls I think about is gratifying myself with other women? Where the fukc do you get off saying that?

I am just having second thoughts about getting married right now and maybe I do feel like I will be missing out on some things in life. Your post was very offbase and I don't think your assesment of my situation is accurate at all.

Thank you to honeynut and darkangel for your helpful posts.

A man flirting with girls who doesn't have temptation problems? You shouldnt be flirting with girls when you are in a serious relationship. What more attention do you want?

[Amris]

Originally Posted by upslogger19

WOW. First of all, I talked to her for about an hour at the bar. I did not "indulge in any fantasies" as you say. I fully admitted that I was having second thoughts. You say I am stupid about dealing with temptation? I didnt do anything with her! I have seen and flirted with hundreds of girls at bars over the last few years and have NEVER had a temption problem. So this happens ONCE, and I dont do anything except for THINK about whether or not I do doing the right thing by getting married and you say I am immature and stupid??? Who is really the immature and stupid one here that has to resort to name calling. You make it sound like I go out and do this all the time. Then you say alls I think about is gratifying myself with other women? Where the fukc do you get off saying that?

I am just having second thoughts about getting married right now and maybe I do feel like I will be missing out on some things in life. Your post was very offbase and I don't think your assesment of my situation is accurate at all.

Thank you to honeynut and darkangel for your helpful posts.

Once is all it takes to completely destroy a marriage. And you're telling me you didn't know before the night was over that you shouldn't have been sitting there chit chatting with your old flame? What a load of ****.

I "get off" saying that because of you. Because you're sitting at a bar with a woman you're attracted to, and you don't walk away. OH CONTRARE! You sit there and chat away with her. Then she gives you a hug, and without A THOUGHT IN YOUR HEAD, you get turned on.

More bull****.

Keep it coming, buddy, it's getting deep. I got 5 whole feilds to fertilize, though.

[Leaf]

Originally Posted by Amris

Let's sum it up:

"I can't see myself with anyone but my fiance."

"I am indulging in fantasies about other women, and talking with them for hours at a bar because my head is too far up my ass to walk away when I start getting feelings."



Yep, you're right, don't marry your fiance, because you're an ass who doesn't know how to deal with temptation.

I'm with honeynut in part... temptation on a major level will happen for you throughout your marriage. But I disagree with her on one point. YOU are not ready for marriage, because you are an ass.

I understand where DA is coming from, but normal people go through normal fears. If every person who got married followed their gut, 98% of marriages would never happen, because the vast majority of people experience a very understandable fear that they MIGHT be missing out on something.

I think you owe it to your fiance to let her find someone that won't go around spending hours at a bar talking to old flames. Who won't go around getting crushes and questioning the relationship because all he cares about is thinking about gratifying himself with another woman. You clearly don't love her anywhere NEAR as much as you claim you do, or you wouldn't have indulged yourself in your fantasies about this other girl to begin with.

As long as you are this stupid about dealing with temptation, you will never be ready to get married, EVER. Every time you see someone HOT and "SPECIAL," you will get regrets about your marriage. You're an immature ass.

Holy **** you are a B....

Honestly, this guy didnt do anything... YET. And you come out calling him an ass? Im pretty sure second thoughts are normal, and you call him out? Holy ****.

[Amris]

Originally Posted by Leaf

Holy **** you are a B....

Honestly, this guy didnt do anything... YET. And you come out calling him an ass? Im pretty sure second thoughts are normal, and you call him out? Holy ****.

That's right, he's an ass. He sat there for an hour, talking to another woman, getting more and more attracted to her, while his FIANCE wasn't there. He sat there and INDULGED HIMSELF in an infatuation, and DEEPENS IT though continued contact with this other woman.

Then, in his "not doing anything wrong," he put himself into a position where he is sitting there thinking, "Oh, sure, she's awesome and I can't see myself with anyone else," but at the same time, "but OMG.... NO other p*ssy, EVER??"

So, let's see, first he indulges in a flirtation. Then he indulges in thoughts that are far from appropriate about the same girl. THEN, he decides that he doesn't want to get married because he wants other pussy.

Yeah, quality guy there.


Second thoughts = normal. Indulging in flirtations = ass.

If you don't want to be with her, leave her. If you are still with her, knock that **** off. Having second thoughts doesn't give you permission to flirt with and hug on a woman you're infatuated with.

[LMW]

theres nothing wrong with what he did amris,if you expect your boyfriend or whatever to never flirt with a girl as long as your together your ****ing retarded. flirting doesnt even mean anything,everyone does it all the time. his gf doesnt own him he can talk to any girl he wants when he wants

[Amris]

Originally Posted by LMW

theres nothing wrong with what he did amris,if you expect your boyfriend or whatever to never flirt with a girl as long as your together your ****ing retarded. flirting doesnt even mean anything,everyone does it all the time. his gf doesnt own him he can talk to any girl he wants when he wants

He's not flirting with some random woman. He's spending an hour talking and renewing old times with a flame. He's indulging an infatuation.

You damned well better believe that I fully expect my boyfriend NOT to indulge in spending an hour reuniting with an old flame. And you better damned well believe that if my boyfriend finds himself becoming extremely attracted to a woman like this guy did with this girl, I FULLY expect him to walk away.

I expect NOTHING MORE than what I am perfectly willing and DETERMINED to do, myself.

NO ONE should actively indulge in an infatuation. That is EXACTLY how affairs happen. Because the person tells themselves, "I'm not doing anything wrong" and they do it again... and again... and again. And one day they "accidentally" fall into the woman's vagina with their penis. Now, HOW ON EARTH did THAT happen?!?

DUH.



I just asked my boyfriend whether he'd talk to an old flame at a bar for an hour, and he said (I quote): No, I wouldn't even talk to her, I would walk away. I wouldn't want the temptation.


Haha, more proof that my man is just downright, frickin' AWESOME. I scored a perfect win on this one. He is the roxxorz.

[sabonis224]

Originally Posted by Amris

Let's sum it up:

"I can't see myself with anyone but my fiance."

"I am indulging in fantasies about other women, and talking with them for hours at a bar because my head is too far up my ass to walk away when I start getting feelings."



Yep, you're right, don't marry your fiance, because you're an ass who doesn't know how to deal with temptation.

I'm with honeynut in part... temptation on a major level will happen for you throughout your marriage. But I disagree with her on one point. YOU are not ready for marriage, because you are an ass.

I understand where DA is coming from, but normal people go through normal fears. If every person who got married followed their gut, 98% of marriages would never happen, because the vast majority of people experience a very understandable fear that they MIGHT be missing out on something.

I think you owe it to your fiance to let her find someone that won't go around spending hours at a bar talking to old flames. Who won't go around getting crushes and questioning the relationship because all he cares about is thinking about gratifying himself with another woman. You clearly don't love her anywhere NEAR as much as you claim you do, or you wouldn't have indulged yourself in your fantasies about this other girl to begin with.

As long as you are this stupid about dealing with temptation, you will never be ready to get married, EVER. Every time you see someone HOT and "SPECIAL," you will get regrets about your marriage. You're an immature ass.

This post is unbelieveable. Maybe call him an immature ass if he actually did something with the girl, he is just having "what if" feelings what the heck is wrong with that? Marriage is a pretty damn big decision.

[Tony Toni Tone]

Originally Posted by Amris

He's not flirting with some random woman. He's spending an hour talking and renewing old times with a flame. He's indulging an infatuation.

You damned well better believe that I fully expect my boyfriend NOT to indulge in spending an hour reuniting with an old flame. And you better damned well believe that if my boyfriend finds himself becoming extremely attracted to a woman like this guy did with this girl, I FULLY expect him to walk away.

I expect NOTHING MORE than what I am perfectly willing and DETERMINED to do, myself.

NO ONE should actively indulge in an infatuation. That is EXACTLY how affairs happen. Because the person tells themselves, "I'm not doing anything wrong" and they do it again... and again... and again. And one day they "accidentally" fall into the woman's vagina with their penis. Now, HOW ON EARTH did THAT happen?!?

DUH.

In other words, men should never have the benefit of the doubt. We are ****ing animals. Men do not have a gray area - either you infatuate yourself with that other girl or completely distance yourself.

Well said Amris.

[Amris]

Originally Posted by Tony Toni Tone

In other words, men should never have the benefit of the doubt. We are ****ing animals. Men do not have a gray area - either you infatuate yourself with that other girl or completely distance yourself.

Well said Amris.

No, in other words, ALL PEOPLE who meet someone they were in love with before, are WRONG if they go and indulge themselves by reliving old times with that person. Women are NO DIFFERENT. At ALL.

And yes, humans are animals. Mammals, to be exact. Welcome to real life.

[Leaf]

Originally Posted by Amris

That's right, he's an ass. He sat there for an hour, talking to another woman, getting more and more attracted to her, while his FIANCE wasn't there. He sat there and INDULGED HIMSELF in an infatuation, and DEEPENS IT though continued contact with this other woman.

Then, in his "not doing anything wrong," he put himself into a position where he is sitting there thinking, "Oh, sure, she's awesome and I can't see myself with anyone else," but at the same time, "but OMG.... NO other p*ssy, EVER??"

So, let's see, first he indulges in a flirtation. Then he indulges in thoughts that are far from appropriate about the same girl. THEN, he decides that he doesn't want to get married because he wants other pussy.

Yeah, quality guy there.


Second thoughts = normal. Indulging in flirtations = ass.

If you don't want to be with her, leave her. If you are still with her, knock that **** off. Having second thoughts doesn't give you permission to flirt with and hug on a woman you're infatuated with.

I take it you have had a lot of bad experiences with men. You are always negative and overly critical of men. I dont know, but I see tons of flirting going on EVERYDAY between married people male and female.

[Ellis77]

Helpful article I stumbled on the other day. I had second thoughts about the relationship I am in with my girlfriend as I sometimes think about being with other girls.

http://www.menshealth.com/cda/articl...00cee793cd____

Good luck man.

[Amris]

Originally Posted by Leaf

I take it you have had a lot of bad experiences with men. You are always negative and overly critical of men. I dont know, but I see tons of flirting going on EVERYDAY between married people male and female.

I am critical of women, too. I happen to be talking to a man here. There is a woman at my office doing the same thing. She won't even speak to me anymore because I laid into her for trying to hook up with an old flame. She thinks she can "handle it."

I am critical of any person who does this kind of ****.

The fact that you see tons of flirting going on is the reason for the 60% and rising divorce rate. Because people can't bother themselves to avoid temptation.

[Sir Black]

Originally Posted by Amris

The fact that you see tons of flirting going on is the reason for the 60% and rising divorce rate. Because people can't bother themselves to avoid temptation.

Really? I would assume that the skyrocketing divorce rate is due to the fact that people get married to someone they don't truly love. I.E. Sticking with the fiance because it's the "right thing to do" rather than the man/woman that he/she truly loves.

Funny really, maybe Temptation = Love. I can't judge that. Neither can you.


O.P. You're not an ass for having normal feelings. I think your doubts are normal and healthy. It seems to me that you're unsure of this marriage. Unfortunately you're only able to choose one path, and you'll probably wonder how the other would have gone.

P.S. Ignore the low post count, Just because I don't post often doesn't make me an idiot.

[King Makaveli]

True Love schmoo love, the reason there's so much damn divorces nowadays is because most people have no clue how to have a long lasting, meaningfull relationship. Men these days dont have a damn clue how to meet women's needs, they think that providing for the family and being a niceguy is enough, but that isn't allways the case. People live in a fantasy that by magic they'll fall in love and everything will be all hanky dory forever. WRONG. Disney needs to stop with those love movies, they're giving the wrong message lol.

Anyways on topic, look dude, you obviously dont care for your fiancee much. Amris' post may seem excessively harsh, but she's damn right. How can you have the BALLS to say that you love your fiancee yet you're infatuated with some old flame? You're thinking about driving across the state to have lunch with her?.........ugh...... Even I at 18 years old could see something wrong here. Of course you're all hyped up on the Dopamine you brain is producing so you'll get offended. Emotions make our decisions, we use logic to explain our decisions. Right now your emotions(dick) are ruling you and you're using some shambolic logic to defend it.

I've been "in love/infatuated" with a girl before, and during that period, I didn't give a damn about any other girl on the planet. You're infatuated/in love with a girl, and it aint your fiancee, therefore you dont give a damn about your fiancee, therefore why get married?

And to the guys attacking Amris....puh-leeeze...stop it...really... Sure, people flirt all the time, but when you're engaged and you develop some kind of emotional connection with someone else....I mean....how do you defend that??

[gobluevw]

Originally Posted by darkangel

If there's any doubt in your mind, you're not ready to get married. When you're engaged to someone you truly love, you may admire the passing scenery, but you're not gonna have second thoughts and regrets like you're having. Instead, you would have left this encounter with Danielle thinking, "She's cool, but I can't imagine marrying anyone but my fiance."

I'm speaking as one who's been there. Don't make the serious commitment of marriage if you're still hung up on someone else. And breaking the engagement's only going to get more difficult and hurtful for your fiance the longer you put it off. You need to do some soul searching and make a decision... soon.

This is really good advice. I'm not engaged, but I don't see it being that far in the future. It has been very long since I've even pondered the thought of being with another girl. This is something I know that I want, and I know that I can be happy with one person for the rest of my life. I think that if you are not to this stage yet, you might need to think if you are going to be there soon. The attitude have and "falling" for another girl might get worse in the future, only leading to problems.