Rate my poem, please :)

[shivastorm]

It's just a start and it needs a lot of improvments.. so any constructive comments would be cool

In the heart of darkness, two yellow eyes,
Demonic jewels of the dark underworld,
Gazing my soul, casting a veil of dread
In my heart, sending me to oblivion.

I feel I’m lost, desperately searching
Inexistent light, redemption and hope.
Everywhere I look, despair, darkness
The yellow eyes have taken everything.

In the heart of darkness, two green stars
Bring light and hope to this obscure night
Saving me from the depths of oblivion.

Two great emeralds of immense beauty,
Ease my weary heart and tormented soul
Sending me to the Island of Avalon.

[101101]

Originally Posted by shivastorm

It's just a start and it needs a lot of improvments.. so any constructive comments would be cool

In the heart of darkness, two yellow eyes,
Demonic jewels of the dark underworld,
Gazing my soul, casting a veil of dread
In my heart, sending me to oblivion.

I feel I’m lost, desperately searching
Inexistent light, redemption and hope.
Everywhere I look, despair, darkness
The yellow eyes have taken everything.

In the heart of darkness, two green stars
Bring light and hope to this obscure night
Saving me from the depths of oblivion.

Two great emeralds of immense beauty,
Ease my weary heart and tormented soul
Sending me to the Island of Avalon.

I think the morbid, depressing, cliché poems are a bit over done (guess saying the theme was cliché and overdone was a bit redundant, huh?).

May I ask why you separated it into stanzas if it has no particular meter or rhyme scheme?

[shivastorm]

Originally Posted by 101101

I think the morbid, depressing, cliché poems are a bit over done (guess saying the theme was cliché and overdone was a bit redundant, huh?).

May I ask why you separated it into stanzas if it has no particular meter or rhyme scheme?

well unless I counted wrong, I think all the lines have ten syllables (sp?).. And I'm going to try to make it rhyme, but I have such a hard time to do it V_V


and what dyou mean no particular meter?

[101101]

Originally Posted by shivastorm

well unless I counted wrong, I think all the lines have ten syllables (sp?).. And I'm going to try to make it rhyme, but I have such a hard time to do it V_V


and what dyou mean no particular meter?

LOL, I mean rhythm. I'm tired and I counted the syllables wrong, my bad

[shivastorm]

I'll bump it once to get a lil more comments

[Slash_]

its ok

[user8073964251]

it sucks horrifically.