Competition diet has turned to eating disorder: HELP!

[alohafitness]

Here's my situation:
I have always been bigger (I am 26 yrs. old now), on average 5'9.5" and anywhere from 175-185 normally, between a size 10/12. Used to mess with weights as a teen but became more and more serious the past 5 years. Got a trainer and started a clean diet in July '04 (NO SUGAR--no fruit, just moderate amounts of clean starch such as sweet potato and old fashioned oats) and lost 20lbs. and 10-12% BF in 4 months.
In Feb. '05 my dietitian, a trainer, suggested I train with her and her group of girls for an NPC competition in July '05. So I did, began at 184lbs. and came in at 156lbs. (I haven't weighed that since the 5th grade) and 13%. Nobody thought I could do it! I was personally shocked and amazed! I took 3rd in my class (Figure/Tall division) at the show on July 2nd '05.
It about killed me, as I went 4 days low (just brocolli for carbs, and only a cup per meal) and only ate fish for the last few weeks. Plus I took ephedra (nothing else) and did massive amounts of cardio.
Afterward I went off the deep end for 10 days (pounds of chocolate and nuts) and was sick and freaked out the whole time.
Then immediately back to the competition diet for a Nov. 11th show. I was upset about the weight I gained but tried to eat 1 low/1 high, then 2 low/1 high, but continued to gain weight and my trainer was irritated and so was I so just 4 weeks after my first competition I was back to 4 days low. I was miserable and depressed, too tired to take out the trash because I was doing 2hrs. of cardio x 6 days/ 1hr. weights x 4 days and I have a physical night job (dancing) so I didn't even sleep enough. I was toast. And then the impossible happened...my weight and BF started to creep up. So 2 months before my next competition I went 5 days low and 3hrs cardio x 6 days. All WHITE fish and eggwhites. Sometimes I would sneak a piece of salamon. I was a mess. All I thought about was the competition. I could hardly work. I rarely went out to show off my hot bod. I hardly answered the phone. I went off the ephedra and that helped, my mental/physical health bounced back, and I will NEVER take that stuff again.
So I made it to the competition and didn't place. My trainer wanted me depleted and I had new cuts and muscle maturity, but I was pretty flat, ribs sticking out, and a little bloated too, I think because my system was so messed up and I was so neurotic about water retention and weight that my body didn't respond to the pre-show diet/ diuretic routine.
But I launched a modeling career instead. My goal was to keep dieting (I was 154lbs.) and get down below 150lbs. before competition so I could come in at 145lbs. Instead of cheating after the show, I went and did photo shoots.
Kept dieting over the holidays and experimented. I was PHOBIC of carbs, because I was SO senstive, I would bloat and I could feel my skin crawl and the insulin shock for 1/2 a cup of oatmeal would make me pass out. Sick.
So I threw in some pb and cheese.
Then a started a binge/purge cycle. Where I would eat a ton of pb and cheese and then go to the gym and do 4 hrs. of cardio. Then over the holidays I would cheat big for 1 day, pb/banana sandwiches with honey, granola, nuts, and then some junk, sometimes a lot of junk, and then I would go 6 days low, as little fat as possible, and 3 hrs. of cardio a day. I was SUCH a mess.
Then my weight started to creep up....well, then I found out my mom has breast cancer (Jan. 11th) and I went home and ate for 10 days--we're talking pop tarts and oreos and half a jar of pb at a time--and hardly exercised. Blew up. Started working out with some BB guys at the gym in my hometown, still unable to get my diet under control...overeat/undereat... and a couple of times I made myself puke out of desperation. I was getting bigger and slower from heavy lifting, less cardio, and more food...HATED it!
After week 3 of being out-of-control I got on an antidepressant and I felt like a zombie, slow and unmotivated, and I just quit taking it after a week. I was ok for a couple days and then binged uncontrollably for 4 (more than one jar of peanut butter...) days.
I can't fit into my "skinny jeans" (I got down to a size 6/ 28 before) and I am disgusted so I have worn sweats for the past month. I am so depressed sometimes I can't get out of bed.
My parents are worried and my dad is obese so when he offered to help I said "do you have any diet pills?" He gave me some Fastin (a prescription drug), which is phentermine and it suppresses your appetite and also increases your serotonin a little. It has helped a lot, like, I feel more energetic and optimistic and I can be in the kitchen without compulsively overeating.
(It was so bad, I asked my mom to hide the pb but I searched and found it and ate it all).
And I wonder: "What is happening to me? I know other female competitors must experience some of these things...how do you get better?"
I know my hormones are screwed up 'cuz I just had my first period since I started the clean diet in July '04. And what else could be wrong?
I have had problems with my adrenal glands in the past, so I think that's one reasons the Fastin is helping. But I don't want to depend on this stuff for the rest of my life!
I want to get back in shape and be healthy and...I want to get better. I am smart (typical overachiever), just got my BA and my friends/family look up to me...and I feel so bad for worrying/disappointing all my biggest fans.

I obviously have an eating disorder. What it is called, I don't know...
"fear of carbs and fat disorder?" "Overtraining/undereating disorder?"
Can anyone relate to my story? Do you have any advice? I'm open to suggestions.... (but keep in mind that money is an issue for me, so expensive doctors/ treatment is a last resort).

[Briar]

Thanks so much for sharing your story sweetheart i dont have time to chat now as im running out the door but i have just admitted a similar thing to myself, may not be as intense as yours but it definatly could have been if i hadnt done something about it!! have a read of the last 2-3 pages of my Journal

"Briars mission" in the female journal section

but il be back later and post some comments here!!

take care hunny, it will get better i promise

[Debbiefreckles]

Sounds like you may be over training/ starving and then binging. If you have a disorder it may be good to get out of competitions try to stay at a consistaint weight. if you were at 13% body fat and starving could you be happy at 15% and stop the starve/binge pattern

[alohafitness]

Briar-
I read some of your journal and I am so happy we've found each other! You and I have a lot in common, because I was an obese child and began dieting at age 11. I never felt thin enough/small enough and I was devastated when other kids would tease me.
I think that's why I'm so broken-hearted about the binge/purge issue and the weight-gain, because after the first competition I thought I had conquered all my problems....
I thought I had "killed" the fat girl inside of me and finally become the person I always wanted to be, outside and inside.
I haven't given up, but what does this all mean???

[mommy*2*3]

I think we all have an adjustment period after a competition. It's a physical and a mental adjustment period. The advice I can give you regarding carb is to take baby steps....start w/ 1/4 c of slow cooking oats...do this for a week then go up to 1/2 c for another week. See how your body reacts...if everything is OK...you can throw in 1/4 of a sweet potato for lunch (not every day)....do this very slowly. You can't be carb depleted for weeks or months and all of a sudden throw prcessed carbs into your body. It's going to react in different ways.. Stay away from processed carbs as much as possible (i.e. poptarts, cookies, etc.)

The second issue with your body not reacting properly to the diet and such may be due to overtraining ... Giving it a rest and eating healthy will do wonders.

The mental aspect of not being in contest shape is just that. A lot of people make the mistake of eating whatever they want after dieting for so long. However, food and portions should be introduced in phases as to not shock your body.

Hon, I am not a professional but do think that you may be suffering from a disorder of some sort. There are professional services available for free. Large hospital systems offer those ...you may want to look into finding someone that can help you.

For now I think you should focus on healthy foods only and eventually you may be able to reintroduce more processed foods.

[Briar]

Originally Posted by alohafitness

Briar-
I read some of your journal and I am so happy we've found each other! You and I have a lot in common, because I was an obese child and began dieting at age 11. I never felt thin enough/small enough and I was devastated when other kids would tease me.
I think that's why I'm so broken-hearted about the binge/purge issue and the weight-gain, because after the first competition I thought I had conquered all my problems....
I thought I had "killed" the fat girl inside of me and finally become the person I always wanted to be, outside and inside.
I haven't given up, but what does this all mean???

Hey Hunny

How about we try and kick these bad thoughts and actions together, i think if i handt admitted it to myself i could have been alot worse im just thankful that i have realised it and am each day getting stronger and stronger. Im making a fresh new start tomorro as i love to start things on a fresh week.

Im starting a new gym, new workout plan and my brand new diet from my nutritionist who is happy with the way im going but for some reason i feel like i shouldnt be eating this much. Its just me though, any time i eat more than i think i should or a cheat i fee so guilty and also think well ive stuffed up today lets eat anything i can get my hands on. NOT ANY MORE.

With my new plan she has upped my cals a little and given me a planned cheat meal on sat or sun lunch!! She has done this cause i only have to loose 400g a week which is nothing. I was scared when she put my cals up but i trust her!! She has got me so far already!!

Lets try and leep each other on track, lets say DAY 1 tomorro, go to sleep tonight and say good bye to your inner fat girl and send those nasty demons telling you to eat packing.

Maybe before you go to bed sit down and write some goals
start with ones short term even small ones like a goal for tomorro then one for the week!! If you keep reaching those goals your motivation will increase as you keep reaching bigger and bigger ones!! Its takes 2 weeks atleast to form a habit so thats our goal. I want you to make a new diet plan up and make sure your workout one is on target and then tomorro we start our 2 week challenge and this challenge is for no one else but OURSELVES!!!!

This 2 weeks is going to test us and its going to be dam hard BUT WE WILL SUCCEED no matter what or who stands in our way!!

We will be here to support each other and keep each other motivated.

we can and will do this, and its the first step to bigger and better things

Take care sweetie

[alohafitness]

Wow Briar!
I'm so thankful and relieved to share this with someone. I do need to make a list of goals. I am afraid to step on a scale right now, because I tend to obsess over numbers, so I think I will hold off on making any weight-related goals.
For now, my goals are to go to 1 hr. spinning class tomorrow afternoon, go low on carbs (because I went high today), and continue to research diets and carb cycling so I can create a solid diet plan.
You would like one of my favorite quotes:

FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION!

I used to say that all the time when I was scared I wouldn't make it into my first competition

[Briar]

well i would have to dis agree with you there, failure is an option but in a good and planned way!!

I until yesterday thought this and lived by that quote but after a big long talk with my nutritionist she said what if i want you to fail but in a good way!!!

How do you think all the top bodybuilders etc got to where they are, they didnt do it sticking to their diet100% they got there by following a strict diet plan and if not allowing cheats if they had them they had a little and then carried on with the usual!!

I would have to say you are doing what i used to do, oh i stuffed up yesterday and had a high cal day and so im going to compensate and go low today. I think this is the wrong direction for you to take and i would not AT ALL think about carb cycling. I would just make one good solid meal plan and stick with it!! I think if you keep changin it up that is where you are going to get into trouble, you need to become comfortable with a simple thoughout plan and then once you have mastered that and got a better relationship with food then and only then can you think about changing it up!!

I did exactly the same thing as you tried crash dieting and cycling things like PSMF and you only end up in a nasty cyclc of il have higher today and then just go real low tomorro!! BAD IDEA!!

sorry to be blunt but i have already been through this and i feel your mind and body is not ready for plans like that yet. Lets just get you on a basic plan with a certin level of carbs and then increas those carbs weekly depending on how you react to them!!!


So what are you eating at the mo, give me a plan and we can work through it together, it will be boring cause you will be eating the same every day but this is the easiest way to get into a routine!! Takes the thinking about food out of every day cause you know at each time interval what you are eating!!

[alohafitness]

Briar-
I am panicked about my recent weight gain and I don't know how I'll feel better until I lose some of it again, plus, I have to be in a wedding in a month. Here's a sample of what I would do on a "low" day (keep in mind I try to eat every 2-3 hours):

meal 1:
5-6 eggwhite omelet
w/1 c. chopped mix of brocolli, cauliflower, cabbage, and carrot
made w/ Pam spray and Mrs. Dash no-salt seasoning (and splenda--I eat splenda on EVERYTHING...I am what I call a "spledaholic")
coffee

meal 2:
could be same as above, or...
4-6oz. turkey breast cutlet
1 cup chopped fresh asparagus
cooked in skillet w/ Pam and Mrs. Dash

meal 3:
could be same as above (I eat A TON of omelets) or...
4-6oz. boneless/skinless chicken breast
spinach and mixed green salad w/ cherry tomatos and cucumber
w/ balsamic vinegar or apple cider vinegar mixed w/dijon mustard and splenda

meal 4:
could be protein supplement, such as universal soy protein islolate in banana flavor (I mix it into a pudding instead of drinking it as a shake and add lots of splenda and cinnamon!) or I might eat 5-6 eggwhites with splenda and butter flavor sprinkles, like a pancake, maybe even with a little sugar free syrup

meal 5:
could be like any of the above selections, or maybe even a piece of steak or fish with lean, fibrous veggies (brocolli and asparagus are my favs)

I usually eat just 5 meals and I take vitamins and minerals and some other supplements, like amino acids. This is what I consider a successful day.

And on a carb day, if I was behaving, I would eat 2 cups of oats or brown rice or sweet potato spread out over 5 meals.

And lately when I "cheat" often it is peanut butter, cottage cheese or other cheese, and sometimes fruit (especially prunes, dried apricots, raisins, or apples) and sometimes I eat just a couple of servings and other times I eat like a maniac. Sometimes I measure and sometimes I don't.

And sometimes I freak out and eat chocolate and cake and whatever other crap is haunting me in my parents' kitchen!

On a "good day" I will do 1.5-2 hrs of cardio, at least 1 hr. has to be high intensity, and then if it's a weight day I will lift for 1 hr. or more.

I need a happy medium that will allow me to be consistent and encourages weight loss. There is no one around here at my gym that has as much experience as I do with competition diets and bodybuilding methods, unfortunately. With my trainer, every day was either a "high" day with 2 cups of oatmeal or a "low" day, with none. There was no low/medium/high cycling. So I have a "feast-or-famine" approach. I have always been very disciplined about the "famine" part and in fact, if I do not feel pain and deprivation then I usually don't feel I'm working hard enough. I know that sounds wrong...but...it's what I've been conditioned to do.

[Briar]

ok well your diet is very complicated why not make things easier on yourself. Ideally when these kind of disorders arise the best medicine is to stop dieting anf deal with the problems underneith but like you im prepearing for competition and that is just not an option for me!!

Soooo the best bet is to make it easier on yourself, hence why i payed a nutritionist to plan my meals and i just have to make and eat them!!

as far as you actual food goes i would really try and keep to one meal plan everyday!! this way you can get into a routine and not have to stress about what you are eating today compared to yesterday!! You also by the looks of it need variation, no wonder you go on manic eating missions like me, you need to enjoy and be excited about your diet, it shouldnt feel like your dieting and if you find yourself bingeing on cottage cheese and peanut butter just include them in moderation in your diet!!

ill try and give you some examples you shoudl also have 6 meals a day!! you obviously not having one pre bed!! lets see

meal 1:
5-6 eggwhite omelet
w/1 c. chopped mix of brocolli, cauliflower, cabbage, and carrot
made w/ Pam spray and Mrs. Dash no-salt seasoning (and splenda--I eat splenda on EVERYTHING...I am what I call a "spledaholic")
coffee
IM GOING TO SUGGEST THINGS SIMILAR TO WHAT IM EATING AT THE MO 1/2C DRY MEASURE OATS COOKED WITH WATER
MIX IN SOME FRUIT ONCE COOKED, PEACHES, PRUNES, APRICOTS ETC
I THEN HAVE 1/2SCOOP CAFE LATTE PROTEIN POWDER MIXED IN AND A SEPERATE 1 SCOOP PROTEIN IN WATER AS A SHAKE!!

YOU COULD ALSO COOK EGG WHITES WITH YOU OATS AND THEN ADD FRUIT AND SPLENDA AND CINNAMON AND OR PROTEIN POWDER

meal 2:
could be same as above, or...
4-6oz. turkey breast cutlet
1 cup chopped fresh asparagus
cooked in skillet w/ Pam and Mrs. Dash
THIS IS OK FOR HERE I THINK PROTEIN AND CARBS ARE ESSENTIAL IN THIS MEAL SO OPTIONS

TUNA
COTTAGE CHEESE
CHICKEN
TURKEY
LEAN MEAT

CORN THINS
WHOLE WHEAT BREAD

WHAT ABOUT COTTAGE CHEESE AND PEANUT BUTTER ON CRACKERS OR TOAST!! OR YOU COULD HAVE TUNA ON CRACKERS WITH SOME ALMONDS ON THE SIDE!!

meal 3:
could be same as above (I eat A TON of omelets) or...
4-6oz. boneless/skinless chicken breast
spinach and mixed green salad w/ cherry tomatos and cucumber
w/ balsamic vinegar or apple cider vinegar mixed w/dijon mustard and splenda
THIS NEEDS TO BE A GOOD DECENT SIZED LUNCH WITH LOST OF PROTEIN AND VEGES AND CARBS!!
HAVE A BIG CHICKEN SALAD WITH EITHER SOME SWEET POTATO, BROWN RICE OR SOME CRACKERS OR RICE CAKES!!


meal 4:
could be protein supplement, such as universal soy protein islolate in banana flavor (I mix it into a pudding instead of drinking it as a shake and add lots of splenda and cinnamon!) or I might eat 5-6 eggwhites with splenda and butter flavor sprinkles, like a pancake, maybe even with a little sugar free syrup
THIS MEAL I USUALLY HAVE A PROTEIN BAR AND A PEICE OF FRUIT YOU COULD STILL HAVE YOUR PUDDING AND THEN MAYBE ADD SOME FRUIT INTO THE PUDING, WHAT ABOUT A REAL BANANA ASWELL OR SOME CHOPPED APPLE. YOU COULD ALSO HAVE MAYBE YOUR EGG WHITES MIXED WITH CINNAMON AND SPLENDA AND A PEICE OF FRUIT. WHAT ABOUT COTTAGE CHEESE WITH SOME FROZEN BERRIES, CINNAMON AND SPLENDA MIXED IN, AND IF YOU WANT A FEW MORE CARBIES LATER DOWN THE TRACK ADD IN 1/4 CUP DRY OATS!!! THIS USED TO BE A FAV OF MINE WHEN I WAS IN CONTROL OF MY DIET!!

meal 5:
could be like any of the above selections, or maybe even a piece of steak or fish with lean, fibrous veggies (brocolli and asparagus are my favs)
THIS IS GREAT, PROTEIN AND LOTS AND LOTS OF VEGES!!

PROPOSED MEAL 6

ABOUT 1 HOUR BEFORE BED DEPENDING ON HOW LATE YOU EAT DINNER

COTTAGE CHEESE AND PEANUT BUTTER
COTTAGE CHEESE AND ALMONDS
YOGHURT AND LOW FAT HOT CHOCOLATE (THIS IS WHAT I HAVE)
YOGHURT AND AN APPLE
COTTAGE CHEESE ON 2 CRACKERS
WEIGHT WATCHERS JELLY WITH 1/2C FROXEN BERRIES MIXED IN WHEN MAKING!!

well sorry for the overload ive spent the last two years researching so much into diets and food and i just wanna make sure you are making things easy for yourself to allow you to work through this horrible thing we are both dealing with!!

[alohafitness]

I'm so in awe of you because the moment I started dieting my trainer cut out all fruit, even before the competition, because sugar is such a "NO". The only competition girls who are allowed fruit are the ones that are skinny in the first place and struggle to put on muscle, whereas the "big girls" like myself are never to have it if you want to get and stay lean, which I do! So I don't see myself being comfortable eating it every day, just on occassion.

The cottage cheese bloats me b/c I'm lactose intolerant (so I don't even use whey powder) but I do love soy milk! I can eat yogurt and I love almonds and pb, but I haven't mastered the art of eating them in moderation.

I could try crackers or brown rice cakes...and I know I need to vary my food but I'm still stuck in "competition mode"! I even have a recipe book that is good that my friend gave me called "Lean Bodies Cookbook" by Cliff Sheats and it is very good and I would highly recommend it....guess I should dig it out and try some of the stuff in it...

Thanks so much.....now I'm giving it a lot of thought.

Aloha

[wildriver7]

I just wanted to say I feel for you... I feel what you are feeling.

I've been where you are, the food insantiy is very familiar.

I've learned to overcome it, but it has been a hard road.

I would step back from everything you are doing now and start over. Eat a normal amount of calories for your height / weight and just take a break. Walk every day, long, long walks with headphones on - your favorite music.

Eat healthy, whole foods like salads, lean meats, lots of veggies.

After you take a break then just make a new plan.

What has worked for me is the CKD style of eating. I eat what I want ("carb up") twice a week. The rest of the days are low carb but I survive them because I know in just a few days I'll be eating what I crave.

Best of luck to you. Just know you aren't alone.

[Briar]

Well i have sucessfully completed day one and i feel great, had a really good day on top of that too. Huge steps forward in my complicated relationship situation (read my journal back a fair few pages if you want details) had my first day at a new gym and on a new program and im feeling good with the direction my life is headed at the mo and i intend on keeping it that way!!

So food wise

Meal 1
1/2c oats
100g peaches
1 1/2scoops protein powder

2 femzone reporductive pills
1 multi vitamin
2 evening primrose oil
1000mg vitamin c

Meal 2
95g tuna
2 cruskits

Meal 3
150g chicken
150g sweet potato
big salad
soy sauce

Meal 4
1 nectarine
1 horleys carb less bar

Meal 5
180g chicken
big salad
1 tblspn plum sauce

Meal 6
1 lite yoghurt
1 jarrah low fat hot chocolate

1 big pot of green tea
2 femzone pills
2 evening primrose oil
1000mg vitamin c

and im DONE!!

workout wise

quads and biceps and 20min moderate to high intensity walking on the treadmill!!

then i also came home and cleaned my car inside and out took about 1 1/2 hours!!!

soo a sucessful day for me and i hope anyone who is joining this 2 weeks has had the same!!

[headturner]

Hi Ladies.

My heart goes out to you as I know that many women on the board have gone through this type of thing. Unfortunately, I am one of them and although I never made it to the contest last year, it was the beginning of my demise prepping for one. I can tell you from the experience, that carb cycling may not be the best route to take at first when trying to get over this. I think a good solid basic nutrition plan is best at first and then you can adapt after your body has made the initial changes. I really do feel that complex plans and diets where you count everything and regulate specific foods only set you up for problems when you are trying to change your mindset. Please be careful with your bodies/minds and I wish you the best. I'm here to offer any support I can and I'm sure many other posters feel the same way!!

[spytechs_wife]

Originally Posted by Briar

well i would have to dis agree with you there, failure is an option but in a good and planned way!!

i really LOVE this statement. easing up on this lifestyle for the sake of our mental state, physical health, and overall happiness is NOT failure. I have to tell myself that every day. cut abs and lean thighs is NOT success if it comes at the price of an eating disorder, an isolated life, hurt relationships, extreme exhaustion, and depression. for many of us, success needs to be happiness, balance, health, wellness, and enjoyment of it all!

reps to you briar for all your great advice in this thread and others.

clare

[Briar]

spytechs_wife

Exactly its not failure its more winning if you really think about it, its easy to fail but managing to fit a healthy lifestyle of diet into exercise while still enjoying your life is WINNING!! It is definatly hard to juggle things but if you try and keep giving up cause its to hard this is definatly failure!!!

I have realised in the past 2 weeks that i cant go through life constantly worried about dieting and i need to be able to eat treats in moderation, you will not and are not going to be on a diet for the rest of you life. Work hard at it now to get where you want to be then maintanence is easy. Do you know how many cals you can eat to stay the same weight, that peice of chocolate cake oncea week is not going to hurt you and that occasional dinner out is going to be great.

I think unless you want to be in this yuck pattern of YO YO dieting for the rest of you life, which if you keep this up may not be long the key is to work dam hard for it now but doing it sensibly and the right way and allow yourself to get to your hapy point and then you get to loosen the straps a little and allow youself those planned failures and treats.



headturner
I totally agree and this is what i mentioned above, unless you are willing to give up the diet for a while and get proper help then you need to make this porcess as simple as possible, you dont want to have to be thinking every single day is it high or low carb, i ate this many cals over yesterday i need to eat under today. THis is not going to be good for you and it means you have let you diet take over your life. As my nutritionist has said every time to me, "does it feel like you are dieting" and up unitl the past 2 weeks i have always said yes!! Now i have a simple but effective meal plan, with the ideal amount of cals im not hungry and i have a cheat meal once a week. How cal this be dieting.

Well ladies today marks the beginning of day 2, im feeling healthier already, starting to get rid of this water from my cheats on the weekend and leaning back out again!!

I wanna look and feel healhty INSIDE and OUT
Hope you all have a fab day

take care xx

[Amris]

The problems you are having with eating are threefold, from what I see.

First, your self worth is entirely tied up in not only your form, but your food, as well.

Secondly, you eat for comfort, and without food, you feel a lack of comfort.

Thirdly, you deprive yourself as some form of pennance for having been fat.




The first thing you need to do, is realize that your perspective of your body is SCREWED UP. You cannot keep competition form all the time, and from now on, DO NOT EVER do two competitions close together. Set a limitation on yourself, 1 competition per year, end of story. You cannot psychologically do more. Accept that. You will damage your body, your mind, and your spirit otherwise.

The next thing that you need to recognize is that WEIGHT GAIN does NOT equal FAT GAIN. You became scrawny because you starved yourself. It's that simple.

You need to eat more vegetables. Do you know how many calories there is in 2 cups of romaine lettuce? 40.... you can have FOUR CUPS of romaine lettuce and reach a whopping 80 calories. SO QUIT DEPRIVING YOURSELF OF FOOD. You're eating protien like it's all there is in the world. Eat veggies, or you'll become ill.

Next, get some sun. You are desperately depleted of Vitamin D, and the best form of it is the sun. Go out in the mornings, let the sun shine on you. No sunscreen, and no more than 10 or 15 minutes at first. High noon is a bad time, the sun is too strong with UV rays at that time, and NEVER EVER allow yourself to burn!

Sunshine is your friend. It loves you, and it misses you, go outside and give it a kiss. And let it return you to health and wholeness- there is no life without the sun for anything on this planet, and that includes you.

The most important thing for you to do is to forgive yourself for having been fat. Then, you need to put away your "skinny" pants, because honey, if you're putting on muscle, your "skinny" pants ain't for you anymore, they're for some scrawny little chickadee with no thighs, a saggy little tail end, and wimpy little calves. Accept that big DOES NOT equal FAT.

If you're serious about being a BODY BUILDER, that means you need to BUILD, and that means, QUIT FOCUSING ON BEING THIN. The most beautiful body builders are ones with BIG BEAUTIFUL, ROUND, CURVING, DELIGHTFUL, muscles!

If you want to be thin, then become a cardio bunny and be a skinny rail. It's okay... but it's not the same thing, and you won't fit in well at FITNESS competitions where BIG IS BEAUTIFUL, especially when it's muscle!

You want to place in competitions? Then quit cardio-ing your muscle away! Accept that a HEALTHY body fat should be maintained outside of competition time. ACCEPT IT, EMBRACE IT, AND LEARN TO LIVE AGAIN. 20% body fat isn't unusual for off season. And living at that healthy body fat will allow you to reduce WITHOUT THESE ISSUES at your ONCE per year competitions.



Perspective, dear one. You lack it. You think you can't be big and still beautiful, yet you then want to place well in body BUILDING competitions. Not realistic, completely contrary, and frankly, somewhat insane.

Understand this... you can be a cardio bunny and keep your "skinny pants" or you can be a body BUILDER and buy some "new improved me" pants.

Chose one or the other- you can't have both. Pure and simple.

[Amris]

One last thing. If your ribs are sticking out and you look stringy, you have FAR too little body fat, so you weren't "balooning up" you were packing on muscle just like a body BUILDER is supposed to do.

Your trainer was probably pissed at you because she wanted you to pack the muscle on so you could actually place, and you just wanted to lose weight because any weight you gain you label as "fat" instead of doing something realistic like, oh, TESTING FOR BODY FAT, maybe?


Thin is NOT in, if you're trying to place at a body builder's competition.

[alohafitness]

Ladies-
Thank you for your responses. It has been a couple of days. I was actually suffering from the flu...so yesterday I went back to the gym. The manager and the front desk girl actually called me bacause they were worried that I hadn't really been in in the last week. Wow! I didn't think anybody would care...
I went and read books on eating disorders at the book store. Yesterday I ate some foods, things I don't usually allow myself to eat, in moderation. For example, I had a few crackers and some tuna, a serving of prunes, and a couple of fig newtons. I didn't binge. I tried to just savor these things and enjoy the flavor.
I've decided I want to continue to "eat clean", but give myself choices. The choice to enjoy a nice dinner or that piece of chocolate cake here and there...
And I went and bought new (bigger) jeans, and for the first time in a month I changed out of my sweats and put myself together and I felt I looked good, I felt proud, instead of feeling apologetic that I'm not a size 6.
I just don't want food to rule my life anymore. I still care and I still want to continue the BB "lifestyle", but not in an obessessive way.

[spytechs_wife]

Originally Posted by alohafitness

Ladies-
Thank you for your responses. It has been a couple of days. I was actually suffering from the flu...so yesterday I went back to the gym. The manager and the front desk girl actually called me bacause they were worried that I hadn't really been in in the last week. Wow! I didn't think anybody would care...
I went and read books on eating disorders at the book store. Yesterday I ate some foods, things I don't usually allow myself to eat, in moderation. For example, I had a few crackers and some tuna, a serving of prunes, and a couple of fig newtons. I didn't binge. I tried to just savor these things and enjoy the flavor.
I've decided I want to continue to "eat clean", but give myself choices. The choice to enjoy a nice dinner or that piece of chocolate cake here and there...
And I went and bought new (bigger) jeans, and for the first time in a month I changed out of my sweats and put myself together and I felt I looked good, I felt proud, instead of feeling apologetic that I'm not a size 6.
I just don't want food to rule my life anymore. I still care and I still want to continue the BB "lifestyle", but not in an obessessive way.

im glad you are feeling better about everything! remember, there will probably be really hard days too...so dont get discouraged, and keep your head up and remember the decisions you have made to have a better life. i think you have made the right choices here in deciding to live healthy but also giving yourself leniance. Its all about balance. i think it really helps to write about how you are feeling every day so you can go back and look at the "good" parts when you need a boost. anyways, consider starting a personal journal if you havent already, or even a journal here on bb.com would be awesome! there are many here who can relate to you and we are all here to help, good times and bad.

stay positive! clare

[mommy*2*3]

Glad to hear you're feeling better. My solution was to do exactly what you said. A clean diet with choices...once a week I have whatever I want. That has really worked well for me. It will take some time to figure out your ideal diet and your body may go through an adjustment period but will balance itself out eventually. Hang in there

[DolphinGrl222]

Alhoa and Briar,
I must say I honestly started crying when I read this post. I feel for you Alhoa, I too have gone through a severe case of depression after doing my first show last November. I grew up being the big muscular girl in school but I always associated big with fat. So since I was about 18 I tried every diet imaginable. At one point I was starving myself and eating about 800 calories a day. Then I started training for this show and learned how important nutrition was and so forth. The competition taught me a lot about my self and my ability to achieve goals when I put my mind to it. However, after the contest was over I binged like no other. I too am addicted to PB, not uncommon of me to eat half a jar in two hours. I would go on these violent binges and feel disgusted that I got into the habit of purging or exercising excessively. The past month has been the hardest though. I found myself binging more and more and skipping the gym all together. I have spent more time in my room than anywhere else the past three weeks. I have also caught myself thinking heavily and devising plans of suicide. I just want to tell you and all the other ladies who are going through this that we can get through it. It may be hard but there is light at the end of this dark tunnel. I hope through all of our support and inspiration you can join me in "picking up the pieces". I am actually starting a journal in the journaling section to do just this. Hopefully through the responses of my fellow posters, I can help get out of this rut and enjoy life again. I wish you all the best in your journey, I will be rooting for ya
Brittany

[alohafitness]

Brittany-
I'm astounded that there are so many people suffering in this way-- I think most of us feel like we are alone. And, in fact, I'm starting to think that disordered eating/distorted body images are commonly experienced by competitors (esp. as a whiplash after a show) and it's too bad that people don't discuss it more. Then maybe we wouldn't feel like we are "failures" when we experience these things and we could deal with it instead of just coping and being sad and hopeless and ashamed and afraid.
The best and only advice I feel I have the authority to give is: DON'T GIVE UP!
I'm glad that you are seeking support, because that has helped me a lot. I will check out your journal--how do I do that? I'm rooting for you, too!

[DolphinGrl222]

Alhoa,
You said it perfectly, I really believe a lot of competitors, especially the first one they do, go through major whiplash after the show. I think in our cases too, growing up being the bigger girl, we feared going back to that after the show but it just set us up even more for an eating disorder. My trainer actually warned me of that but I did not think I would of have gotten this out of control and depressed. We can do it though! Please, I encourge you and everyone else to check out my journal in the journal section of the forum. It's called Brittany's Picking Up the Pieces Journal. Good luck hun!
Brittany

[Mango]

Hi girls!! This is my first posting ever here, but I'm so happy I chose to waste 5 minutes at work and find these threads. I think I fit in somewhere with the girls who are trying to overcome obsessive eating and exercising, but I don't know where.

I'm 5'5, was 118 lbs, 14% BF, and since getting an achilles injury, getting over it, getting a knee injury, getting over it, and right now, nursing a back injury to recovery, and 1.5 years later, I'm horrified that I'm 131 lbs, and HELL NO DUDE, I ain't stepping on that BF scale until I see the # slip slightly in my favour. I'm so confused, cause I record everything I eat, and I eat clean, lean, healthy, and in a deficit. Considering I do 50 minutes of Moderate Intensity interval training and serious strength training-6 movements of 3 sets of 8 repetitions, 5 days a week with 2 days rest, considering I eat 1600 calories a day with at least 130 grams of protein, it's ABSOLUTELY ridiculous to me that my weight has skyrocketed so. When I was 118 lbs, I ate 2000 calories a day!! I hate being this "big". Others see you as "normal" looking, but to me, it isn't the physique I'm used to. I miss the clothes that I no longer fit in. I have no idea where to go from here, quite honestly.

But I think the thing that has made me write to you is, honestly, because you seem understanding, and also because my boyfriend is basically threatning to break up with me if I don't get "some help". He's been my best friend for 9 years. I told him that as much as he wants to help me, he is not the person to do so, that I need to find somebody like me who is "better" now. Which is why I got so excited when finding the lot of you. I don't think he understands that I like myself, and though I'm not happy with my weight at this point, I still like the way that I look. I just want to be in as good shape as I was before these God forsaken injuries. I realize 118 lbs was with effort, but if I could just get to 122, I'd be happy. The weight gain seems continuous.

The part that my Mom and boyfriend see as "crazy" is that I pretty much put my workouts ahead of spending time doing nothing with them, and that for the last 2.5 years, I've recorded every morcel I eat and every exercise I do.

Any thoughts?! And I'm so sorry this is so bloody long.

[DolphinGrl222]

Wow hun I am sorry you too have to go through this My best guess as to your weight gain is your body may need rest and is rejecting the fact that you are not feeding it enough. I think it is also extremely important that you find people who are positive in your life and try doing other activities to keep your mind off the weight and less time in the gym. I found myself completely consumed with my friend who was going through a severe case of binge eating. I stuck through it with her until she checked herself into an impatient facility. After she was done and I was completely drained of her negativeness I went into even deeper depression. Point being made, you surround yourself with negative people and you yourself can not help but become negative. I think your boyfriend is right, you do need some type of counseling, at least someone who can listen to your story. We are all hear to listen for you but I think also talking to a professional may benefit you even more. GOOD LUCK
Brittany

[headturner]

There are so many stories like this on this forum-I, myself, being one of them. I literally hurt physically from worrying so much about my food issues, but I can tell you that it slowly does get better. And, slow is definitely the way to go. You can go from bingeing daily with no workouts to a super clean diet, 100% on workouts and cardio-it just sets you up for more failure, more disappointment and the cycle continues. Seek counseling, use this forum as a tool, and stay focused. I was NEVER a believer in positive talk, but I can say that it is a must and, although I still really struggling with actually doing it, I know it will only help.
My heart goes out to all who are affected by this sort of thing. I know not everyone has a religious affiliation, but I will pray/send good/vibes/be thinking of you all!

[Mango]

Thank you for the replies!! I'm kind of hoping to avoid some sort of professional help. Cause yeah, I do become depressed when I don't make progress, especially seeing as my weight frikkin' keeps going up, but I don't binge or anything, I don't work out out of guilt, but out of pleasure, and DolphinGrl222, like you, I was surrounded by a girl who was COMPLETELY involved in binging, in purging, and who obsessed over her every frikkin' angle. I was so happy when she moved. I think I adopted some of her fears?? It's taken me a while to get her out of my head. I never took part in her binging or her purging, but I definitely think forming negative thoughts was a bad habit of hers I took to heart.

Do you guys write journals?? Like, not here, but a journal you can hand write in?? I've found it to be theraputic. I like to go to bed at night, write in it, and drink tea. I'm out of tea, though. No, really, it isn't a metaphor; I'm out of tea. =)

Headturner, I love your quotes. That sums up my goals, too. Except the body fat, cause damn, bro, that's a low body fat %!!

[Helene]

Originally Posted by TricepGirl

Hi girls!! This is my first posting ever here, but I'm so happy I chose to waste 5 minutes at work and find these threads. I think I fit in somewhere with the girls who are trying to overcome obsessive eating and exercising, but I don't know where.

I'm 5'5, was 118 lbs, 14% BF, and since getting an achilles injury, getting over it, getting a knee injury, getting over it, and right now, nursing a back injury to recovery, and 1.5 years later, I'm horrified that I'm 131 lbs, and HELL NO DUDE, I ain't stepping on that BF scale until I see the # slip slightly in my favour. I'm so confused, cause I record everything I eat, and I eat clean, lean, healthy, and in a deficit. Considering I do 50 minutes of Moderate Intensity interval training and serious strength training-6 movements of 3 sets of 8 repetitions, 5 days a week with 2 days rest, considering I eat 1600 calories a day with at least 130 grams of protein, it's ABSOLUTELY ridiculous to me that my weight has skyrocketed so. When I was 118 lbs, I ate 2000 calories a day!! I hate being this "big". Others see you as "normal" looking, but to me, it isn't the physique I'm used to. I miss the clothes that I no longer fit in. I have no idea where to go from here, quite honestly.

But I think the thing that has made me write to you is, honestly, because you seem understanding, and also because my boyfriend is basically threatning to break up with me if I don't get "some help". He's been my best friend for 9 years. I told him that as much as he wants to help me, he is not the person to do so, that I need to find somebody like me who is "better" now. Which is why I got so excited when finding the lot of you. I don't think he understands that I like myself, and though I'm not happy with my weight at this point, I still like the way that I look. I just want to be in as good shape as I was before these God forsaken injuries. I realize 118 lbs was with effort, but if I could just get to 122, I'd be happy. The weight gain seems continuous.

The part that my Mom and boyfriend see as "crazy" is that I pretty much put my workouts ahead of spending time doing nothing with them, and that for the last 2.5 years, I've recorded every morcel I eat and every exercise I do.

Any thoughts?! And I'm so sorry this is so bloody long.

If you are happy about the way you look why do you worry so much about the scale? Maybe you could try not counting calories and concentrate on eating 6 balanced meals with protein, carbs and good fat.

Also do you weight train + do 50 minutes of intervall training 5 days a week. YOu could be overtraining.

[Mango]

I forgot to mention too, that for the last few months, like, from July to December, I'd been on a 1300 calorie diet, which Sucked. But I wasn't active, other than my gym time. But still, I attribute my new attitude of "Holy hell, you stupid girl" to realizing I used to be a lot happier, less prone to injury, and quite a bit thinner when I was working out purely for fun, and when I was eating 2000 calories. Since I've only recently started upping calories from 1300 to 1400 to 1500 to 1600, could that explain the sudden weight gain?? It is a stupid question, but after you've eaten too few calories, it's hard to understand the damage you've caused.

I think this is a great forum, because you do become so subjective with your progress sometimes, and it's hard to trust yourself at a point. Somebody slapping you saying "Dude, what the **** are you doing?!" is very helpful.