Probably a repost but some of these are funny as hell!
Chuck Norris
When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but
because he has run out of women.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the
information he wants.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds
till."
After you ask, "Two seconds till what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the
face.
Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths
have increased 13,000 percent.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate,
but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to
him.
Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school
football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to
let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhouse
kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang
every girl in the stadium.
When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said,
"Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five
minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a
few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When
his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the
face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger; it is actually a
list of people that Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked in the face that day.
If you unscramble the letters in "Chuck Norris" you get "Huck corn, sir."
That is why every fall, Chuck travels to Nebraska and burns the entire
state down.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the
speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was
flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided
to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a
beard.
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera
or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no
wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He
always makes it to Oregon before you.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK
assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard,
deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul
back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he
should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of
the month.
A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris
did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage.
We know this beverage as Red Bull.
Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying
"booya".
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling,
"Bang!"
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on
Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His
reasoning? It was more "humane".
Chuck Norris often asks people to pull his finger. When they do, he
roundhouses them in the abdomen. Then he farts.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked
names for his left and right legs.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris
you may be only seconds away from death.
Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If
you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my
virginity." then you are dead wrong.
Mr T
The last man who made eye contact with Mr. T was Ray Charles.
Every time a church bell rings, Mr. T pities a fool.
Mr T. and Chuck Norris decided to spar, they travelled to the only safe
place in the Universe, the beginning of time. They bowed to each other and
Chuck launched in with a roundhouse kick. Mr. T blocked it, and the
resulting pressure wave is commonly called the Big Bang.
Mr. T doesn't pity anyone who likes the Black Eyed Peas. He just kills
them.
Mr. T speaks only when necessary. His main form of communication is folding
his arms and slowly shaking his head. And regardless of the situation, he
is always understood.
Mr. T hates playing 'Rock Paper Scissors' because he doesn't believe
anything could beat rock. He always chooses rock, and when someone throws
paper, he says,"I win." If someone is foolish enough to dispute this, he
takes his clenched fist and punches them in the face, then says, "I thought
your paper would protect you."
Human females have two X chromosomes. Males have an X and a Y. Mr. T has
three Ys and a T. He's more man than you'll ever be.
Mr. T doesn't breathe, air just hides in his lungs for protection.
When Mr. T folds his arms, the U.S. Terror Alert Level is raised to gold.
Mr.T once punched Chuck Norris at the exact moment he roundhouse kicked
Mr.T in the chest. the result was the 80's.
Ever have a sharp pain in your chest that you can't explain? That was Mr.
T, and it was a warning.
Mr. T was once involved in a head-on car crash, and he was the only
survivor. Mr. T was walking at the time.
Mr. T invented fools. Realizing the magnitude of his folly, he then created
Pity.
Mr. T once captured Bigfoot, but released him after he shaved the beast and
realized that it was just Chuck Norris walking around naked in the woods.
Mr. T always drives on the right side of the road, no matter where he is in
the world.
23. That's the number of people Mr. T has pitied in the time it has taken
you to read this sentence.
Mr. T coined the phrase, "I see dead people," after the waiting staff at
Denny's forgot his birthday.
Mr. T wasn't born, he shed a woman.
On the A-team, Face , Haniabal, and Murdoch were all masters of disguise.
Mr T didn't have to wear a disguise. The bad guys didn't recognize him out
of fear.
Mr. T is not black. It's just that the sun is to afraid to shine on him.
Mr. T. does not break wind. He destroys it.
Contrary to popular belief, the ancient world knew of 5 elements, not 4.
They were earth, air, fire, water and pity. Mr. T invented them all.
Stephen Hawking argued that there are only nine planets in the solar
system. Just to prove the sucka wrong Mr. T created a tenth planet, Pitius,
out of the liquid uranium he secretes from his nipples. To this day Stephen
Hawking continues to sit in sheer amazement.
Mr. T's edition of the VH1 show 'Where Are They Now' was the shortest in
the show's history. It was 10 seconds long, and consisted of a black screen
with the words "Right Behind You" written on it.
If you were born before 1980, there is a good chance that Mr. T is your
father. If you were born after, it's guaranteed.
Mr. T is allergic to doorknobs. That's why he can only kick through doors.
There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because Mr. T is going to
walk.
Mr. T puts the laughter in manslaughter.
Mr. T once fell into a pool of lava. He nearly drowned.
Mr. T pities fools because even fools deserves their daily dose of vitamin
T.
Linear Mode
