Very Confused, breakup (serious)

Krat0s · 09-02-2007, 05:39 PM

right now im trying to figure out whats going on with a girl ive been dating for a short time. to make a long story short. Weve been friends for years and this whole time on and off intimate. even when she had BF in another state. after a while she broke up with him and not long after said she wanted to be with me. (relationship has a lot of baggage from the past now.) which brings us to now...we broke up after 3 months...mainly due to reasons about me not being sensitive enough and things of that sort. also one HUGE incident where i was not being comforting to her when i took her to the hospital and i wasnt making sure she was ok, i was actually worried but when i am stressed out i become indifferent (great combination i guess lol).

after this is where it went downhill...she has told me how most times she allowed herself to be vunerable with me...i do something to show i dont care or act indifferent to her feelings...(something along those lines.) most of our arguements fall into this catagory, so she wants me to treat her better, which im willing to do., after telling her this she told me how u can only say sorry so much for the same things and, cant forgive over night...

so not long after breaking up with me, she planned a 3 week vacation thing to get away from her family and myself to think about things. i asked why she needed time physically away so long and she said it was to be away from distractions. I was upset by this, mostly from the huge amount of time she said she needed away going to different states and doing whatever she has planned with friends. she didnt have to leave right away on that trip and still had another 2 weeks before she left, so we have still been sleeping together close to our normal routine and nothing really changed for a short time, even the day before she left we went to a concert together which eventually she was kissing me and holding my hand again by the end of the night

. she just left this FRIDAY, 2 days ago...and since then has no urge to contact me at all. and barely responds to my calls or texts, which really hit me hard since her pace of things just suddenly switched up. now im trying to really understand if during this time if my place is to just leave her be and let her have her time away without trying to contact her constantly. it just feels harder than i thought it would now because now Shes the one Being INDIFFERENT and DISTANT, like i said before she said this time was to figure out if she wanted to come back to me etc.

my question is really what to do at this point...i feel like i should just wait it out but, along the way check for signs from her before expecting anything to get my hopes any higher. another friend of mine told me from his opinion that 3 weeks wasnt a fair amount of time for me...just to be left hanging around, which i somewhat agreed but cant really get a grip on how i feel about it anymore. from what i know from past experience with her is when she does this its her way of leaving something behind...ditching her feelings. so right now i just feel so lost its irritating me

CLIFFS:
-Friends for 2 years, friends with benefits at times, even when she was with someone else
-Broke up with her first BF for years, chose to be with me not long after
-i was not sensitive to her feelings, so she broke it off
-now took a 3 week vacation by herself to stay with random friends from out of state to get away.
-not sure if she will get back with me, she wants me to be more sensitive

humblegenius · 09-02-2007, 05:46 PM

She wants you to be someone your not, so the question is, do you love her enough to change who you are?

Krat0s · 09-02-2007, 05:55 PM

i was told this by almost everyone ive told the story to, im not in denile...i can believe it...my question would just be, is this something people ever succeed in doing for a relationship...

my rationale for it was just that...it didnt seem like a massive change (but of course it is) but just in how it didnt seem like it would be changing my character drastically

but is that sort of change okay? i dunno

user178944 · 09-02-2007, 05:55 PM

cliffs?

humblegenius · 09-02-2007, 05:59 PM

Well, if you want an honest answer, you can overcome anything and everything in a relationship as long as your both strong enough. If your happy to make the small changes for her, then, thats okay. BUT if your not, then dont expect her to change for you. You both have to find the middle of the road. Many here will tell you to find someone else, but its up to you, do you see a future with her in the next 10 years. If not, then do her, and you a favour, and end it. If you do see the future, you gotta work at it

Krat0s · 09-02-2007, 06:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by humblegenius

She wants you to be someone your not, so the question is, do you love her enough to change who you are?

even though i say yes, my previous attempts were temporary. id be nicer to her for a couple weeks and then something would happen again. maybe im not taking the right steps to change.

humblegenius · 09-02-2007, 06:07 PM

Dude, shes gotta love you for who you are, umm, maybe she has more lust for you then love. Does she respect you, your belongings, your family, well, you get the picture. Does she want the relationship for secruity? If shes come from a bad one, maybe she just wants to be loved, and latched onto you first. Only time is gonna sort this one out.

Krat0s · 09-02-2007, 07:02 PM

i agree, right now nothing is making much sense to me yet...

ill just have to wait, but sitting here thinking about what would/could happen being away and doing whatever she wishes for 3, is kicking my ass. mainly because we made no verbal agreement to be faithful...not sure if id want to bring that up now either..

Diana Meeque · 09-02-2007, 07:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by humblegenius

She wants you to be someone your not, so the question is, do you love her enough to change who you are?

should never do that. doing that would only make things worse

Krat0s · 09-02-2007, 10:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dynamik

should never do that. doing that would only make things worse

would you mind elaborating on your opinion further? i used to think the same thing, then later on it felt like in most cases you'd have to make some accommodations for the other person for the long term for things to workout.

paranoidxe · 09-02-2007, 10:55 PM

You have to change for you, not for anyone else. Its like being a smoker and having people tell you you need to quit, you aren't going to do it unless you feel YOU need to.

Same situation here, in order to change you have to be willing to do it for YOURSELF not for someone else it hardly ever works that way and in a couple of weeks you generally go back to how you were. She'd also have to understand you can't change overnight.

Diana Meeque · 09-03-2007, 12:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Krat0s

would you mind elaborating on your opinion further? i used to think the same thing, then later on it felt like in most cases you'd have to make some accommodations for the other person for the long term for things to workout.

because if you change the way you are for somebody to love you...is it really worth it?

like the person above said...you have to want the change for yourself. If you don't see anything wrong with the way you are and you're happy....then **** her.

TricepsNGirls · 09-03-2007, 12:59 AM

When people say they want a break, they really mean it. You ought to cut all contact yourself and let her re-establish it.

kay_kakes · 09-03-2007, 01:44 AM

Of course I agree with the whole "Dont change for anyone but you" thing. But if the change is for the positive and will help improve your other relationships, then it's something worth attmepting.

I guess since Im the only girl here, Im the only one who noticed this. But your girl is mind-gaming you. This is her way of making you change. She still acts boyfriend-girlfriend with you cuz she still loves you and wants to be with you. BUt she broke up with you and is becoming distant to give you a atste of your own medicine and make you sweat and worry a bit. She wants you to realize how much she really means to you. She thinks this will make you want to change so that you can get her back. Just do what you feel is right in your heart. Good luck. Keep us updated!

backinbusiness · 09-03-2007, 01:58 AM

Stop texting her. When you do this she will start getting nervous that she doesn't have you wrapped around her finger anymore. I bet you she will be the first to give in and call/text you. But stop texting her because you want to. You need to see if she wants to text YOU.

Krat0s · 09-03-2007, 03:29 AM

lots of good advice here, also the whole game thing sheds some new light on it, i hadnt thought about this as well.

but with this whole change thing...really gets to me, as i said im willing to do so for her to just be a nicer person in general etc. any change thats more drastic than this i wouldnt do...but even something as little as this is very hard and only seems like i PRETEND to act how she wants, which i guess could work by becoming a habit and then causing a change over a long span of time. for the 2 years weve been friends my personality has been this way

even if i want to change, it doesnt seem as simple as just acting a certain way...like others have said i just go back to how i was before, and if that means subconsciously i dont care much to change, then i might be screwed.

Krat0s · 09-04-2007, 04:28 PM

UPDATE:

its only been a couple days and she called me, afterwards we were talking on AIM and i slipped and asked her whats on my mind. just things about where we stand. and shes said its over...shes tired of Words and No action, and isnt waiting anymore and if she finds someone shes taking it. this whole time she was very firm and not sparing any emotion (must have been very angry). kept saying im not talking about it anymore etc. also said she DOES LOVE ME, i was skeptical of this, but she insisted that it wouldnt have been this hard if she didnt. i somewhat believe her too... she said shes content as friends, and thats obviously because she doesnt lose anything that way. made me more upset about things. before the conversation came to and end, she said "i cant say no forever" but i dont believe in words anymore, and ill take love whenever/whoever finds me.

man its over, this was pretty devastating. it was like i never accepted my first breakup at all. and now i know shes not coming back to me at all. the part that sucks is i know i cant be friends with her. ID LIKE TO, but id never move on if i did that...she doesnt really care either, shes to content with saying shes accepted being happy alone.

this really bites man, i dunno what to do...