Falling Out of Love? (Confused) :(

[abremeca]

Hey everyone,
Introduction
I'm not new to this forum, however, I've created another account for the purpose of concealing my identity as best as possible; mostly from friends, and especially my girlfriend - I use my other alias quite often, and it can easily be searched and found in Google. I'm going to start off by saying that I am NOT a troll. I contribute to this forum frequently (mostly in the teen section, since I myself am a teen), and I have great respect for this lifestyle and the ones who take it seriously.

Anywhoo, this is my situation.

Prologue
I am currently 18 years of age, and will be turning 19 in a couple of months. I have been dating this girl, my first girlfriend, for approximately 10 months. She is 1 year older then I am, however that is not the issue. The reason I began dating at 18 was because I had a very low self-esteem during the primal years of my high school. I was overweight and quite often suffered ridicule from my peers - it was usually the type of ridicule that was not meant for MY eyes or ears. Over 2+ years, I've slimmed down tremendously and have bulked up quite a bit. Now, returning to high school, I am, I guess, one of the few "hot" guys. This only provided a slight boost in my confidence, but my self-esteem and maturity was mainly developed through all the hardships I had to undergo when I was dieting and training.

The One
With this new found confidence, I began dating this girl I had liked since 2-3 years ago. In the beginning, everything was wonderful (very cliche, I know). However, I had noticed that she showed less and less affection as time passed by. I usually had to be the one to call, or the one to make arrangements, or to say anything romantic or loving. To sum it all up, the initiative was always mine. Now, I do not mind doing these things, but I had often questioned whether or not she would do these things in return. Every now and then, I test this theory but deliberately withdrawing myself from her temporarily; for example, waiting for her to call. I eventually discovered, that she did not show initiative. After this experience, I began to notice more and more things. She seemed to be "wearing the pants" I suppose. The base of our relationship was all based on her terms. Our system of compromise, was to her terms. When I questioned to quarreled, it almost always ended to her terms and I would be the one at fault.

I hate the whole dominate partner, "pants wearing" ideology associated with relationships. I believe in the idea of equality, and I try my best to reinforce it. However, this is difficult when I guess, she has been spoiled by my softness, in a way.

She became very busy with work, as did I with work/school/training. So much so, that we could only really see each other once or twice a week (if possible) - which is kinda ridiculous, especially since we live 10-15 minutes apart walking distance. I often tried to see if it was possible to see her after work, or even before work. However, I am usually given the response of "Don't, there's no point". And I usually answer with "I understand that *input situation*, but you're worth it". And to that, she says "Don't bother." Little events like these are mild to their own, but the hurt begins to build as they continue to happen.

After 6-7 months or so, I essentially felt unloved, and not knowing what to do, I went to a trusted guidance counselor of whom I had frequently dealt with in the past to try to figure out a solution to my situation. She suggested that perhaps, my girlfriend wasn't right for me, or maybe I should I have a talk with her to resolve any differences and to get a better understanding of each other - and that's what I did. After "the talk", an hour of emotion and tears, we seemed to have resolved everything.

I was still uncertain. For the past 2-3 months, I was kind of on the fence with everything. I still loved her, and I felt very strongly for her, but the trust was not as strong as before. Soon, I was left feeling the same I had before, and just recently, her and I had another talk regarding the same basic issues.

The Third
I had began talking to my other friend (a female friend), let's call her Darla, and we caught up on a lot of things. She hasn't seen me since I was overweight, and I had in the past, admitted to feeling strongly towards her. Over the past few days, we met up and basically hung out. She was surprised to see how I have changed, which is always nice. A couple of days ago, she came over and I cooked her some pasta (I'm studying culinary), and afterwards we watched a movie. Later on, she gave me a back massage (my first ever) - but this was because she wanted to become a masseuse as a back-up career (Side Not: I have NEVER been able to row so much/so well in my life. The massage was magic for my lifts!). And today, we went downtown together, and hung out there.

During both occasions, I became very touchy with her. Nothing sexual, or anything remotely close, but more like hugs, stroking a bit, holding/touching hands, stuff like that. I noticed that she had returned the affection. There was always the vibe of "But I have a girlfriend, we shouldn't do this". Did I want more to happen? I admit, yes, but perhaps maybe a kiss, nothing more. With Darla, I feel appreciated, something (severely) missing from my relationship. With my girlfriend, I always brace myself for disappointment because I am often rejected when I want to meet up with her, and when the opportunity is presented, it feels like I "forced" her to. And I know, that if I wanted to, I could start dating Darla.

I'm not the person to date random people. I want serious relationships, and I would only want to have them with people that I have known and become comfortable with over an extended period of time, which Darla is. I'm starting to have feelings for Darla, but I don't know if this is "love", or because she's giving me something that is often neglected by my girlfriend.

I understand that my post is long, but for anyone who cared enough to read it, any kind of post, response, suggestion would be greatly appreciated!

This is serious post. Please no "just f*** her and don't tell your girl" post please.

P.S. Posting this had made me emotional, lol, so I would like to take this opportunity to thank you guys at BB'ing.com and the forums for giving me so much. Your information and support has revolutionized my life.

[YImprove]

easy, dump your girl and make darla your new one, if your current makes you feel unappreciated thats a perfect reason to dump her i've seen longer relationships go to sh*t in less time for stupider reasons.

[abremeca]

Heh, thanks for replying. It sounds easy to end the relationship, but I still want to keep it alive (if possible). I don't know. It might be the history we share? I really can't give a solid reason. Its a feeling that has no words attached or cannot be remotely described.

[stliftn8]

From what u posted about ur gf now doesnt seem she really is that much into u nor treats u with that much respect. When u had the talk did she say she would change these issues cus maybe she one of those ppl that are just not as naturally affecionate as others. But more likely u and ur current gf are not meant to be with each other and have grown bored of each other. Either way dont just jump into another relationship, make sure ur over ur ex completely its not fair to u, ur girl, or darla. I would imagine it would hurt ur gf alot if u dumped her right away for a new girl even if its her fault the relationship was dying. Just talk to ur gf tell her how u feel about the relationship and that if nothing changes u need a break. Keep talking to darla dont cheat with her but if u guys do decide to break up and get with her take it slow and dont make it official right away to be considerate of ur gfs feelings.

[bdiesel]

dude. you should just start dating the new one and not even tell the other. not for you, but for her... put her in her place. let her find out she was dumped by somebody else.

[abremeca]

She did mentioned that it was difficult her to show emotion or affect. I understand some people are like that, but I feel like that's something vital I need in a relationship. I don't feel like that's a high expectation, however I think she does.

I don't want to hurt anyone, so if (IF!) my relationship does end, I will be very considerate of her feelings. I understand that my girlfriend will get hurt if it ends, but it is a hurt I can understand, because I myself have been hurting for so long (which I really, shouldn't be).

Time will tell. Thanks for your reply stliftn8.

[abremeca]

bdisel: A small part of me did consider this option, but it's not right. I'm trying not to act on impulse at the moment, heh.

[Neo_Anthony]

After a couple of months of her acting as if she doesnt want to see you, did you ever think she might be cheating? I would suggest giving it some time, seeing how things work out with both your current gf and "Darla". If you still feel strongly towards the current gf then you need to tell her what you need out of the relationship, cause no matter what you want to keep, It takes two.

[Scarface2883]

Your profile says you are 21..

[YImprove]

Well let "darla" know the way you feel about her and tell her that you would date her if you could but you don't wanna be the guy who dumps his girl like a load of bricks for another even tho you really like her. If you let her know this the chance to be with her won't end and you can just get a rain check.

[abremeca]

cannabis: "If you still feel strongly towards the current gf then you need to tell her what you need out of the relationship, cause no matter what you want to keep, It takes two."

Yes, very true. This was what I brought forward in our two discussions. I often question whether or not she's cheating. I highly doubt it, but she has an array (a very strong array) of friends, male friends, especially internet ones. But she says I need not worry, for when she talks/hangs with them, it's just like she's "one of the guys". I really don't know.

ryannath: I didn't put my real birthdate when I signed up, heh. Sorry for the mix up.

Yimprove: If things don't work out, then I will eventually tell her.

Thanks for all the reply guys. I'm really REALLY surprised by how quickly my thread got read/replied. I thought I'd had to wait until tomorrow or something.

[82nd_Fister]

A slave cannot serve two masters. You need to pick one, dude. And from reading your post, I'd go with this Darla girl. She seems to appreciate you more and give you more of what you're looking for in a relationship.
Trust me. I just broke up with my Fiancee and you know, It hurt, but I'm starting to get over it.

But I'm exactly the same way you are with women, and believe me, guys like us get **** on by women all the time. Used like an emotional tampon until we have served our purpose and then discarded. Until you find the one that can treat you the right way.

Do yourself a favor, Dump this heartless bitch.

[shiv15]

Originally Posted by abremeca

She did mentioned that it was difficult her to show emotion or affect. I understand some people are like that, but I feel like that's something vital I need in a relationship. I don't feel like that's a high expectation, however I think she does.

I don't want to hurt anyone, so if (IF!) my relationship does end, I will be very considerate of her feelings. I understand that my girlfriend will get hurt if it ends, but it is a hurt I can understand, because I myself have been hurting for so long (which I really, shouldn't be).

Time will tell. Thanks for your reply stliftn8.

Dang your current gf sounds a lot like my ex. Very closed person emotionally and i nearly had to beat it out of her to talk about anything love/feelings related.

I agree its a vital part of a serious relationship and you should confront her about it. It seems like you have already with your little talk with her. But since that time have you seen a considerable change in her behavior? I.e. Calling you more often, asking to hang out? Personally I dont think you can really change people like that. It seems to me despite how much you do love her the relationship has already been over for a while. As the other guy said she may possibly be cheating on you, but don't jump to conclusions on that.

Now onto "Darla" who has given you all the things your missing from your gf now. It's quite clear you want and rightfully deserve the more involved part of your relationship that Darla seems to give you. Just remember that your current g/f isn't going to up and change and become like Darla is. So if you want to continue down a path of neglect and disappointment feel free to continue to date her until she dumps you for another guy. I think you have something going with Darla that will last much longer and be more fulfilling than your girl now can give you. Pursue that and I guarantee you will be much happier in the end.

If you do decide to go after Darla don't feel bad about letting your gf down now. You may love her and will feel really bad about it, but has she shown you that same love that you put into the relationship in return? All im saying is she doesn't seem like she loves you just as much as you her. Your looking for something serious and it doesnt seem like shes ready to give you that. Dump her, give it a few weeks and then "officially" date Darla. So in the meantime keep hanging out with Darla and getting closer so your gf now can have sometime for closure so you don't look like the big ass.

/rambling (may not make sense..im not that great of writing thoughts down)

[abremeca]

82nd_Fister:
"But I'm exactly the same way you are with women, and believe me, guys like us get **** on by women all the time. Used like an emotional tampon until we have served our purpose and then discarded. Until you find the one that can treat you the right way."

Very well put - albeit, rather nasty, but well put nonetheless.

The last option would be to end the relationship, but its an option that will be considered.

I feel like I'm slipping away, and she remains totally oblivious to it. And if she know, I personally feel that she would not care to try to save me, but rather watch me fall. I'm not sure if this is true or not, but that's how I feel.

[shiv15]

Originally Posted by abremeca

cannabis: "If you still feel strongly towards the current gf then you need to tell her what you need out of the relationship, cause no matter what you want to keep, It takes two."

Yes, very true. This was what I brought forward in our two discussions. I often question whether or not she's cheating. I highly doubt it, but she has an array (a very strong array) of friends, male friends, especially internet ones. But she says I need not worry, for when she talks/hangs with them, it's just like she's "one of the guys". I really don't know.

ryannath: I didn't put my real birthdate when I signed up, heh. Sorry for the mix up.

Yimprove: If things don't work out, then I will eventually tell her.

Thanks for all the reply guys. I'm really REALLY surprised by how quickly my thread got read/replied. I thought I'd had to wait until tomorrow or something.

I know i just replied but didn't catch this message.

She may think they are "one of the guys" but as every male should know quite well most guys who are "just friends" usually want more and will take the first chance they get when shes vulnerable to make the move. I like the trait about you how you trust her fully in letting her hang with guys. But from personal experience, men are generally snakes in the grass so to speak.

And no replies till tomorrow? This is the relationship section. Immediate help 24/7. What were here for

[82nd_Fister]

Originally Posted by abremeca

82nd_Fister:

Very well put - albeit, rather nasty, but well put nonetheless.

The last option would be to end the relationship, but its an option that will be considered.

I feel like I'm slipping away, and she remains totally oblivious to it. And if she know, I personally feel that she would not care to try to save me, but rather watch me fall. I'm not sure if this is true or not, but that's how I feel.

Why would you not drop her? You already have another one waiting to catch you on the rebound. Man, If it was me, I would drop that bitch like a hot pancake.



btw, it's so nice to see someone using proper spelling and grammar.

[abremeca]

Originally Posted by shiv15

Dang your current gf sounds a lot like my ex. Very closed person emotionally and i nearly had to beat it out of her to talk about anything love/feelings related.

I agree its a vital part of a serious relationship and you should confront her about it. It seems like you have already with your little talk with her. But since that time have you seen a considerable change in her behavior? I.e. Calling you more often, asking to hang out? Personally I dont think you can really change people like that. It seems to me despite how much you do love her the relationship has already been over for a while. As the other guy said she may possibly be cheating on you, but don't jump to conclusions on that.

Now onto "Darla" who has given you all the things your missing from your gf now. It's quite clear you want and rightfully deserve the more involved part of your relationship that Darla seems to give you. Just remember that your current g/f isn't going to up and change and become like Darla is. So if you want to continue down a path of neglect and disappointment feel free to continue to date her until she dumps you for another guy. I think you have something going with Darla that will last much longer and be more fulfilling than your girl now can give you. Pursue that and I guarantee you will be much happier in the end.

If you do decide to go after Darla don't feel bad about letting your gf down now. You may love her and will feel really bad about it, but has she shown you that same love that you put into the relationship in return? All im saying is she doesn't seem like she loves you just as much as you her. Your looking for something serious and it doesnt seem like shes ready to give you that. Dump her, give it a few weeks and then "officially" date Darla. So in the meantime keep hanging out with Darla and getting closer so your gf now can have sometime for closure so you don't look like the big ass.

/rambling (may not make sense..im not that great of writing thoughts down)

You have basically summed up a lot of things I have failed to mention or am afraid to admit or say. When I do think of ending the relationship and becoming single or dating another, the first thing that comes to my mind would be - Freedom. I love being in a relationship, but I mean freedom in the sense to express how I feel without having to conform to the rules set by the one I'm expressing my feelings to. This idea of freedom was not recently conjured, but it has been sitting in the corner of my mind for months.

Ahk.. I'm not sure what's really stopping me from ending it though. I'm thinking it might be because of our history? Or maybe because I don't want to hurt her, or maybe because I still love her (Which I still do, I think).

[82nd_Fister]

Originally Posted by shiv15

I know i just replied but didn't catch this message.

She may think they are "one of the guys" but as every male should know quite well most guys who are "just friends" usually want more and will take the first chance they get when shes vulnerable to make the move. I like the trait about you how you trust her fully in letting her hang with guys. But from personal experience, men are generally snakes in the grass so to speak.

And no replies till tomorrow? This is the relationship section. Immediate help 24/7. What were here for

This is exactly what happened between my fiancee and I. Except it was in Iraq with Army guys from First Cavalry Divison. ****ing bastards. I'm going to slay one of them.

[abremeca]

shiv15:
"And no replies till tomorrow? This is the relationship section. Immediate help 24/7. What were here for "

Awesome. Nice to know

82nd_Fister:
"btw, it's so nice to see someone using proper spelling and grammar."

Yes, thank you. I respect and honour the english language. I do use slang, and my speech is more relaxed compared to my writing. However, my speech is still proper and is respectable (when I want it to be).

I am not an english major, nor do I participate in leisure reading (which I really wish I enjoyed). I just enjoy writing well, and I guess I paid attention in english class, heh.


Yes, I understand the "Snake in the Grass" theory. I too am I guy, and I do not blame the others for having their instincts. I would if they had acted upon them though.

[shiv15]

Originally Posted by abremeca

You have basically summed up a lot of things I have failed to mention or am afraid to admit or say. When I do think of ending the relationship and becoming single or dating another, the first thing that comes to my mind would be - Freedom. I love being in a relationship, but I mean freedom in the sense to express how I feel without having to conform to the rules set by the one I'm expressing my feelings to. This idea of freedom was not recently conjured, but it has been sitting in the corner of my mind for months.

Ahk.. I'm not sure what's really stopping me from ending it though. I'm thinking it might be because of our history? Or maybe because I don't want to hurt her, or maybe because I still love her (Which I still do, I think).

Yeah basically the girl your with now isn't the right one for you. You need to find someone, most likely Darla im guessing, who is just as open as you are about feelings and will willingly communicate them with you. Thats how you can start a great and long lasting relationship with someone. Communication will lead to trust and then your in a fulfilling relationship. Don't limit yourself with your current gf because of history.

I had a longterm relationship (10 months same as you) and we had a great history. Everything seemed to workout but I just wasn't feeling the love as strongly as I had before. Things had gone downhill in the last few weeks and I realized staying in the relationship was holding me back from happiness. My happiness. At the end of the day if your not happy with the situation your in, change it. Try something new with Darla, risk getting rid of the old.

And I'm like you, I love being in a serious relationship. I dont think theres any better feeling on earth than knowing you have someone there who loves you day in and day out no matter what. If youve been thinking about freedom from her for sometime now then it's already over in your mind, whether you want to accept it or not.

[UMAD]

Go with what you know is right. If your current girlfriend isn't treating you right, bring it up to her first and foremost. Tell her you NEED change in the relationship if she wants it to work. Give it a few weeks. Then based on how she adjusts to what you need, you should choose which girl you really want. The grass isn't always greener on the other side.

[abremeca]

shiv15:
Very true. The feeling of being loved in returned without asking/demanding it is indescribable. It is a feeling that I feel has been dormant for quite a while.

I'll be seeing my girlfriend tomorrow, and we'll see how everything goes.

By the way, the name "Darla" almost always comes as a shock to me. I used it as an alias, but for a split second I forget, and my immediate reaction would be "Who's Darla?", lol.

UMAD:
"Go with what you know is right. If your current girlfriend isn't treating you right, bring it up to her first and foremost. Tell her you NEED change in the relationship if she wants it to work. Give it a few weeks. Then based on how she adjusts to what you need, you should choose which girl you really want. The grass isn't always greener on the other side."

I've brought my needs to her attention in both of our discussions, and I've given her the time - more then enough time I suppose.

[Crespo]

From what I read, it sounds like your current GF has already made the decision to not take your "needs" seriously and wants to maintain the status quo. I don't see what else you can do or even how you can move things in another direction with her since you have already stated your problems and things haven't changed. If she were serious about your relationship, she would at least make an effort to fix things.

The grass sounds like it's greener on the other side, and that Darla girl seems to have a personality that clicks far better with yours. I suggest you pursue things with her, and see if you would be comfortable pursuing a relationship w/o cheating on your girlfriend. Hang out with her, get to know her more, see her flaws, and what not, and take some time to see if you're making the better decision. I'm not suggesting to cheat on her. Take your time and weigh the advantages. Adopt the mentality that you're the catch here, and any relationship you're in should be productive and beneficial to you primarily, and then your significant other.

[abremeca]

Originally Posted by Crespo

From what I read, it sounds like your current GF has already made the decision to not take your "needs" seriously and wants to maintain the status quo. I don't see what else you can do or even how you can move things in another direction with her since you have already stated your problems and things haven't changed. If she were serious about your relationship, she would at least make an effort to fix things.

The grass sounds like it's greener on the other side, and that Darla girl seems to have a personality that clicks far better with yours. I suggest you pursue things with her, and see if you would be comfortable pursuing a relationship w/o cheating on your girlfriend. Hang out with her, get to know her more, see her flaws, and what not, and take some time to see if you're making the better decision. I'm not suggesting to cheat on her. Take your time and weigh the advantages. Adopt the mentality that you're the catch here, and any relationship you're in should be productive and beneficial to you primarily, and then your significant other.

Great advice, and thanks for your input.

I just recently came back from seeing my girlfriend, and I hate to admit it, but throughout the duration of my visit, I felt very little towards her in terms of love. I was well aware of my feelings, and I even forced myself to try to "feel", but I couldn't. After discussing my situation with you guys, I thought of "Darla" more and more, and when I was with my girlfriend, I thought of her still. I felt like I was mentally cheating on her with another, but she was totally oblivious to it. We spoke very little to each other, however this was "normal" when we saw each other, instead we watched television as I held her in my arms. Still, even with the contact and the cuddling, I felt little to nothing.

I don't know guys, I'm thinking perhaps a break would be a good idea, or maybe even it is time to end it. I don't want to rush things with "Darla" - impulsively I would. But I feel that if I don't seize the moment with her, my chance at a relationship with "Darla" might slip away. She recently told me that she will be going to Vancouver for vacation in the middle of July. This leaves me less then a month to maybe get things started - that is, if I choose to.

I really don't know. Again, any kind of advice is greatly appreciated. Thank you everyone for your help and support thus far.

[abremeca]

Bump bump

[Guard_Pass_old]

I had a gf like that--I tried but it just wouldn't happen. She wouldn't change. I accepted it and moved on. Be glad you experienced this cause now you know what you don't want in a relationship and what you do want. But beware, if and when you try to end it, your gf will probably think twice because she has you there a a crutch I'm guessing. Once she loses that support, she'll probably buckle. That's what happened to me at least. Just have some dignity, stand tall. You're not there to support someone else and if they aren't going to reciprocate your feelings then don't waste your time. It's your life, don't let your feelings for her override your own well-being.

I may be waaaay off but I hope I helped in the slightest.

[abremeca]

Originally Posted by Guard_Pass

I had a gf like that--I tried but it just wouldn't happen. She wouldn't change. I accepted it and moved on. Be glad you experienced this cause now you know what you don't want in a relationship and what you do want. But beware, if and when you try to end it, your gf will probably think twice because she has you there a a crutch I'm guessing. Once she loses that support, she'll probably buckle. That's what happened to me at least. Just have some dignity, stand tall. You're not there to support someone else and if they aren't going to reciprocate your feelings then don't waste your time. It's your life, don't let your feelings for her override your own well-being.

I may be waaaay off but I hope I helped in the slightest.

You're not way off. In fact, I too fear that she is blissfully unaware of how much I am supporting her. Once that is gone, I am not sure how she will handle it. At the moment, I am concerned of how she would handle the idea of a break-up rather then the actual break-up itself. I guess that would say a lot of where my mind and my heart is at. Again, I can't say so for certain.

I'm sorry if I'm going in circles, but this is a really new and complicated situation for me.

[Guard_Pass_old]

Originally Posted by abremeca

You're not way off. In fact, I too fear that she is blissfully unaware of how much I am supporting her. Once that is gone, I am not sure how she will handle it. At the moment, I am concerned of how she would handle the idea of a break-up rather then the actual break-up itself. I guess that would say a lot of where my mind and my heart is at. Again, I can't say so for certain.

I'm sorry if I'm going in circles, but this is a really new and complicated situation for me.

Sounds like you've put her above you. Man you've got it bad. Look out for number 1, this girl is acting on her best interest and will continue to do so. You can do better, don't be a support for someone else. Take care of yourself.

[abremeca]

Guard_Pass:
Thanks for your advice . Yes, I am aware that I sometimes prioritize her above myself. That's why I'm thinking maybe I should take a "break" from the relationship.

[Guard_Pass_old]

For what it's worth from some guy you don't know over the internet I think you'd be doing the right thing. Good luck.