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Jamie Oliver Goes To Hell
Monday:
I wait outside of Jamie's flat. I'd been watching him all day Thursday and Friday to get a rough feel of his schedule. He leaves at 10:00 to the television studio to tape that mincey-balled television show of his. Today's going to be different. I am hiding in the bushes outside of his flat with my baseball bat. Jamie has his ****ing little pissant motorbike helmet on, but the chin strap is not fastened. I jump out of the bushes and hit Jamie's little pissant motorbike helmet really hard and he falls over; I've cracked the little pissant motorbike helmet in two. I begin to kick him in the kidneys and I step on his groin, but HARD. I have timed it perfectly, and run down into the substation at the corner, wait five seconds as the train approaches, and take the tube to Picadilly. That wanker.
Tuesday:
He comes out of his flat very cautiously and looks in the bushes that I sprang out of. I'm observing copper-style in my BMW. He's wearing a bandage around his head and he limps. I guess he called a taxi, because one has just pulled up and he jumps into it. I follow the taxi to the TV station. Jamie gets out of the cab and goes into the TV station. That bastard. I decide to get a bite to eat. He should be out shortly, can't do a taping in that condition! Who'd have thought he doesn't actually tape the show at his own flat. Big ****ing surprise.
Later Tuesday:
Damn! I just miss him. As I walk back to my parked BMW, he jumps in another taxi and is gone. That couldn't have been a ****e-side worse. I wait until dark to smash the **** out of his gay little motorbike that's chained to his flat's front fence and drive off really fast in my BMW.
Wednesday:
I wait outside the television studio for Jamie to come out of the building. I am holding a beer bottle. He comes outside, I smash him in the face with the beer bottle and run five blocks. The beer bottle is full and capped and only breaks when it hits the ground as I run off. I take off the cheap "guinea tuxedo" that I bought for the occasion and throw it in a rubbish bin and run five more blocks. Yes!
Thursday:
Jamie doesn't leave his flat today. Either that or he woke up really early. I give up and get pissed.
Friday:
I get up really early and pretend to be a postman. I circle the block every ten minutes. Jamie doesn't hold his old schedule. I keep circling and he comes outside at noon. I think he notices that I have been circling the block as a postman and runs away when he sees me. He has a big welt on the left side of his face. I am wearing a fake moustachio and sideburns. Ha ha ha.
Later Friday:
I wait at the outdoor café across from Jamie's television studio and drink lemonades. Jamie comes out of the studio two hours later than normal and looks around all paranoid-like when he exits the building, doing a startled jump when he discovers nobody outside the exit when he first peeks out. He jogs to the tube and I decide to take a taxi to his block. I wait in the bushes across his flat and Jamie comes home, always looking behind himself. He closes the door. It is finally dark and I put a nylon over my head and knock on the door of his flat. He opens the door and I hit him with another full beer bottle. Ha ha ha. I run away and Jamie is unconscious with his head in the doorjam.
Saturday:
I hide in the bushes across the street again and Jamie leaves with a ****ing Bobbie. ****ing fat-tongued cockney twatter!
Sunday:
I give up and get drunk.
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