21 yr old, with a High School Crush. I am in love and emo'd. (need experienced help)

[zfuture]

Long post, but I really need your help.


Well, where do I begin? I am madly in love with this girl, but I am confused about what to do. I haven't felt this way in my life about someone. It feels as though I have found the girl of my dreams (literally). As dumb as it may sound, I've only talked to her a couple times.

Even though I am 21, it feels like I am in high school having this crush on a girl.

I need advice from people that have experience going after chicks and being in relationships, and having knowledge about women in general.

To start off, this girl has a few classes with me (we're in university). I started noticing her around the start of the semester (Sept 2006). I'd see her from afar, or sometimes I would walk to school and she would be walking in the opposite direction. I would have to say this is something like love at 3rd sight or something like that, ya I know, weird.

Anyways, she seems like a very shy girl. She sits at the front of her classes, and doesn't talk much with classmates, and is fairly quiet. Coming out of classes i've held eye contact with her a couple times, but I had never approached her.

Until I grew my balls back and did it.

LAST TUESDAY

There she was, in line, getting coffee. I was thinking I gotta do this, I gotta do this or I would go home and feel like ****. So, I went to line up behind her, and my heart was racing. I waited until my nerves calmed and the dialogue went something like this:

Me: Hey, hows it goin?
Her: smiles...... hey
Me: You're in my 420 class aren't u? It was pretty boring eh
Her: Yeah, I just wanted to sleep.

from there it was just basic convo chit chat like where you from, what major you in, what courses, that sort of deal.

When she got her food, shes like it was nice to meet you, cya later and she went about her way.

From talking to her that first time, she was this sweet girl and was very nice. I made her laugh a couple times and she seemed happy that I went up to her. I didn't think anything I said was funny though.


LAST THURSDAY

After class, me and a couple friends got a table in the caf. She walked in and I tried not to make it obvious that I noticed her. She didn't come up to me to say hi or anything, she just went to the line. I was like wtf?

I was having mixed feelings at this point, but I kept in mind she's a shy girl.

Often times, she sthe girl that looks straight ahead while walking staring at a fixed point with a blank expression. I dunno if shes depressed, or thats just the way she is.

However, it seems as though everytime I go up to her she seems happy.

So onto the next class during today....

Before class, I saw her about to take the elevator....so I said hey hold up. I took it with her and I mentioned, why are you taking the elevator in a joking kind of way. She laughed and told me she was lazy.

Then the awkard silence, and we walked into class

After class I went up to her and asked how she was doin....

then the usual small talk...she asked if I was done for the day. I was like yeah, but not quite since I have to study.


then I said I didn't get her name, and I introduced myself. I shook her hand, not in the usual business type of way, but I took her hand in the "would you like to have this dance" way.

Then this is where I blanked out, then I was like I gotta go, cya. then I left. However, I had to jet back to that class (she had class next in there) to get my gloves since I forgot them. I hope she didn't think wtf when I went back in there then left lol.

I don't see her on friday, so I was thinking of her this whole weekend.

Sad part is I was listening to all this emo music at home on the weekend, and I couldn't get her off my mind. I've never felt this way about any girl before. I kept on thinking of what it would be like if she was with me, what I would do for her safety.....all that ****ed up **** u think of when u're in love.

Fast forward to today.


After class we had to go pick up our assignments. She sat in her seat and waited till msot people got theirs before she went to the desk to get hers. I was there in line waiting to get mine. I guess I should have went up to her at this point, but I do'nt know why I didn't. I was thinking its the day before valentines, and I didn't want to seem desperate. But maybe shes a romantic, shes reads a lot...I see her reading sometimes, and she would want someone to ask her out for valentines. But I figured if I asked her out for anything now, it would seem to her I am desperate and am only asking her out/going up to her because its that time of the year.

So anyways, the line dies down, she comes next to me to get her assignment. I notice her out of the corner of my eye, but I didnt' say anything. She didn't say anything either, she got her assignment, turned around, and left. I was like wtf, why can't she say hi to me. I got emo'ed up at that point and had thoughts running thru my head.

So I took a little bit longer, b/c I had to pick up my friend's assignment as well. I walked out and she was still at the end of the hallway. She turned, and she paused by the far doorway to put on her jacket. Im thinking maybe shes stalling to exit to get out so I would go up to her. She could have put on her jacket while in the classroom before she left.

so i headed to the coffee line, and she didn't come this time. I thinks its because our next class was cancelled...so she went somewhere else.

****, I think I am just overthinking this. I HATE IT when I do this. I think too much, thats one of my weak points. Thing is she didnt' say hi to me while I was getting my assignment. Hopefully, she was just too shy to do that.

Its so hard trying to guage her interest, because when im around her, she doesn't initiate ANYTHING, she has this his blank expression on her face. But damn, she is so beautiful. Girl of my dreams.

But, when I approach her, she warms up and smiles, and looks happy. Completely opposite to when shes not talking to anyone.

I am beginning to think she aint interested, but I don't know that yet since shes so shy. Its kind of hard to read the signals. I guess the good part is I can make her smile and laugh. But sometimes, I just feel sad that she doesn't notice me, or does but doesn't want to make it obvious?

So valentine's day is tomorrow, and for sure I will be thinking of her like I have for the past week (no stalker, yeah kinda creepy lol)

I am not gonna talk to her until after Valentine's is over, and will ask her out when I know her a bit better and make her more comfortable and familar around me.

So fellas, how do you suggest I play this out? So far I think I've come out as a laid back, nice, and a guy with a sense of humour. Although that time when I shook her hand I felt the convo was going kinda awkard so I just said cya later.

In terms of shy girls as well.....I need help badly.


Sorry for the long post. But, I had to do this......im deeply in love (emo).
If she doesn't like me or anything, I really don't know how i'll handle it.



CLIFF NOTES

-Noticed this girl for a while
-Went up to her, okay convo, made her laugh.
-Now in love lol
-shes the really shy, quiet type. doesn't initiate anything
-confused what to do
-but please read whole thing

[needabsnow]

well if you were really emo you'd cut yourself.

but it seems like she doesnt like you ... so you can either move on or ask her out to a movie or something. if she says no then she obviously isn't into you. and again ... move on.

[pondus_levo]

OK. I read the whole thing and this is what I think:

You are too hung up on how you think she feels about you. You are waiting for a definitive signal from her and you are never going to get it. In the process of you being confused you are passing up every opportunity to actually seal the deal, which you probably could have done ANYTIME you chose. You are probably giving her mixed signals as well. Every time she does not go up to you, you don't go up to her. Do you think she doesn't notice that as well? She is probably thinking, "he's approached me before, how come he is not doing it now?"

Keep playing it cool and laid back like you have been, but TALK to her, and when you are done talking to her say something like, "These chats between classes are fun, we should do it again sometime when we are not dragged down by school." See how she reacts. If she reacts favorably, then set a date. You are obviously going to have to do most or all the work until she feels comfortable with you.

Take control of the situation, start being confident, and stop worrying about how she feels. Either you get her or you don't. Either way you come out on top. If she likes you, you are happy, if she turns you down, you are bummed, but find relief.

[ExtremeEnigma]

holy ****ing colin. cliff notes that ****.

[PopeyesChicken]

i second the motion for cliff notes i read half of that **** and quit.

[troubled]

Originally Posted by pondus_levo

OK. I read the whole thing and this is what I think:

You are too hung up on how you think she feels about you. You are waiting for a definitive signal from her and you are never going to get it. In the process of you being confused you are passing up every opportunity to actually seal the deal, which you probably could have done ANYTIME you chose. You are probably giving her mixed signals as well. Every time she does not go up to you, you don't go up to her. Do you think she doesn't notice that as well? She is probably thinking, "he's approached me before, how come he is not doing it now?"

Keep playing it cool and laid back like you have been, but TALK to her, and when you are done talking to her say something like, "These chats between classes are fun, we should do it again sometime when we are not dragged down by school." See how she reacts. If she reacts favorably, then set a date. You are obviously going to have to do most or all the work until she feels comfortable with you.

Take control of the situation, start being confident, and stop worrying about how she feels. Either you get her or you don't. Either way you come out on top. If she likes you, you are happy, if she turns you down, you are bummed, but find relief.

great advice

BTW when shaking a girls hand.. dont do it soft, shake it firm and full. it shows your dominant and confidence. dont shake it up and down, but full hand in hand. and a firm squeeze. it sounds weird, but ive talked to girls about this, they hate weak shakes

quit overanalyzing the situation

girls never make a signal, they never spark conversation.. do it or quit whining

[quickups]

Kind of like my situation that i posted here not too long ago. I say just play it cool and don't be nervous. She's going to notice that your nervous so make sure you play it cool. Don't over analyze every little thing(learned that the hard way).

Next time casually say "hey let me get your number."

Then after that you can set up your first date/hang out/whatever.

If she flakes on you once, give it another chance. If it's the second time, then it's probably you should move on.

[*EM*]

how can you be in love without being intimate?
You fell in love based on what?

[JonZ]

Grows some balls and go for it.

Sitting around wondering this that or the other thing isnt doing anything to get you what you want.

Find out already and be done with it. If shes not interested,act accordingly - move on.

[BigDutchman]

Pimp her out for bukake vids. The royalties are pretty good and she probably won't mind boom, protein everywhere from then on.

[ChronoDark]

You said you grew balls...you cant get rid of them and expect something to happen. You should have gone up to her and asked her on a date.

She seems shy to me. Chances are shes either:
Intimidated by you
Has a Boyfriend
Very shy

All of which there is only 1 solution too:

Ask her on a date, ask her if she wants to get coffee with you, etc. If you dont, your screwed, if you do, theres only a 50% chance your screwed.

[Slashed]

Dont sit around, thinking things out that have happened. Thats bull**** dude. I mean come on. I agree with you on not asking her out cos of valentines day, and i think thats good. But you kinda need to ask her if she fancies meeting up or sometime, or dropping the line these chats are fun. It will sound cheesy but will be good to see her reaction. Just ask her, then you aint gonna be thinking about it 24/7

[captainhorseboy]

you sound pretty creepy to me.

[nognig]

Originally Posted by pondus_levo

You are too hung up on how you think she feels about you. You are waiting for a definitive signal from her and you are never going to get it.

REPS!! This is where I've gone wrong MANY times. A girl just isn't going to come out and say "I really like you, lets go out together". Especially if you're going after a shy one.

One thing that really helps me is remember: If she likes you, she likes you. You don't have to try and impress her. If she doesn't like you, there isn't a dam thing you can do to change it.

For example, if she likes you and you go up to here and say something lame like: "Want to come to my house and play with my lego". That isn't going to make her not like you. So just do it.

There is nothing to be embarassed about that you hitting on a girl, you need to get over that.

BTW: When she asked you if you were done for the day, that may have been her way of seeing if you're interested. Way to fÜck that up.

NN

[xiled]

Wow..long post.

Tap that ****! (Unless it's my cousin...in which case, that would be awkward, lol)

Just out of curiosity, what program are you in?

[Cosmonaut]

Originally Posted by xiled

Wow..long post.

Tap that ****! (Unless it's my cousin...in which case, that would be awkward, lol)

Just out of curiosity, what program are you in?

Holy **** lots of Western students in this thread, tell me what class she is in ill take her off your hands

[zfuture]

Originally Posted by xiled

Wow..long post.

Tap that ****! (Unless it's my cousin...in which case, that would be awkward, lol)

Just out of curiosity, what program are you in?

I'm in science, and I doubt its ur cuz lol.

[zfuture]

Originally Posted by Cosmonaut

Holy **** lots of Western students in this thread, tell me what class she is in ill take her off your hands

lol **** no.....the last thing I need is more competition.

I dunno whats wrong with me lately.... im becoming too emo, gotta change that **** up

[xiled]

Originally Posted by Cosmonaut

Holy **** lots of Western students in this thread, tell me what class she is in ill take her off your hands

I don't actually go to Western, lol. And uh, no thanks.

[xiled]

Originally Posted by zfuture

I'm in science, and I doubt its ur cuz lol.

Lol, ya, just kidding.

[zfuture]

Alrite....all of you have good points.

The main thing is I gotta calm my nerves around her and i'll. I shouldn't hesitate doing anything and shouldn't overthink ****.


Thansk for setting me straight.

[kraZi.]

I bet your a virgin.

[Maverick77]

First of all you’re not in love; you've barely spoken to the girl.

[zfuture]

Originally Posted by Maverick77

First of all you’re not in love; you've barely spoken to the girl.

Guess you're right. I'm more like infactuated.

[limniade]

You know, I have a tendency to act exactly like that girl, and while this might not be helpful except as a compare-and-contrast method, maybe it'll provide some insight.

1. She doesn't talk to anyone (including you), has a blank expression, and avoids initiating anything because she's socially very anxious and doesn't want to risk being vulnerable or putting herself in an embarrassing position.

2. If you notice that she just happens to do things that put her in proximity to you, but seem coincidental, she's doing it on purpose. Like, "Oh, I just happened to need to get my test at the same time as you." And "I just needed to put on my jacket, which happened to take exactly as long as it took for you to pass me in the hall." And then she WON'T do something you would expect her to do, because she wants it to seem like a coincidence and not stalking. She didn't say hi to you while you were getting your test because you didn't turn your head and she didn't want to seem like a dumbass by saying hi to someone who didn't give a crap.

Note that if the coincidence of showing up happens every now and then, then it is indeed a coincidence. If it happens all the time, it's on purpose.

3. If she acts happy to talk to you, she is.

So, if you want to put a crack in the wall, I'd say hi to her (or wave, or smile) whenever you see her, even if she seems not to notice you. Saying hi to her will reassure her that she's not going to get dissed or embarrass herself. Strike up the occasional conversation. Become familiar. The more familiar you become, the more comfortable she will become and she'll start to seek you out more.

Yes, it seems complicated and drama-ridden, but some girls are just really shy and afraid to put themselves out there. Maybe someone was a huge jerk and humiliated her in the past, maybe situations where she's among a lot of people she doesn't know make her nervous. But spend a couple/three weeks gradually increasing the social contact, and I bet she'll open up a bit. Then you can ask her out--but do it in a way that has a casual beginning. Like, wait for the next test and ask if she wants to study with you. Then while you're studying, mention that you're going to do something minor (get coffee, go to the book store, whatever) and ask if she wants to go with you. If she says yes to that, then once you finish that little outing, ask her on a real date.

If you go a couple weeks and don't seem to be making a dent, that's a lack of interest.

[zfuture]

Originally Posted by limniade

You know, I have a tendency to act exactly like that girl, and while this might not be helpful except as a compare-and-contrast method, maybe it'll provide some insight.

1. She doesn't talk to anyone (including you), has a blank expression, and avoids initiating anything because she's socially very anxious and doesn't want to risk being vulnerable or putting herself in an embarrassing position.

2. If you notice that she just happens to do things that put her in proximity to you, but seem coincidental, she's doing it on purpose. Like, "Oh, I just happened to need to get my test at the same time as you." And "I just needed to put on my jacket, which happened to take exactly as long as it took for you to pass me in the hall." And then she WON'T do something you would expect her to do, because she wants it to seem like a coincidence and not stalking. She didn't say hi to you while you were getting your test because you didn't turn your head and she didn't want to seem like a dumbass by saying hi to someone who didn't give a crap.

Note that if the coincidence of showing up happens every now and then, then it is indeed a coincidence. If it happens all the time, it's on purpose.

3. If she acts happy to talk to you, she is.

So, if you want to put a crack in the wall, I'd say hi to her (or wave, or smile) whenever you see her, even if she seems not to notice you. Saying hi to her will reassure her that she's not going to get dissed or embarrass herself. Strike up the occasional conversation. Become familiar. The more familiar you become, the more comfortable she will become and she'll start to seek you out more.

Yes, it seems complicated and drama-ridden, but some girls are just really shy and afraid to put themselves out there. Maybe someone was a huge jerk and humiliated her in the past, maybe situations where she's among a lot of people she doesn't know make her nervous. But spend a couple/three weeks gradually increasing the social contact, and I bet she'll open up a bit. Then you can ask her out--but do it in a way that has a casual beginning. Like, wait for the next test and ask if she wants to study with you. Then while you're studying, mention that you're going to do something minor (get coffee, go to the book store, whatever) and ask if she wants to go with you. If she says yes to that, then once you finish that little outing, ask her on a real date.

If you go a couple weeks and don't seem to be making a dent, that's a lack of interest.

limniade...wow, thank you for your post. It's really something else getting it from a girl's perspective. I think you are totally right in that I should be opening up more, and all that you said in my opinion matches up pretty good with the girl im after.

Thanks

[zfuture]

Too bad i've given out too much rep in the last 24 hrs, but u'll get some tmr!

[limniade]

I'm glad it was helpful. Like I said, it MIGHT not be that way, no guarantees, but I saw a LOT of myself in that girl's actions and when I do stuff like that, it's calculated to get someone to notice me without running the risk of being like, "HI! How are you? I think you are teh c00l," and having the guy be all, "Whatever, loser!" And apparently it worked for her, because you noticed.

So just kind of think of this as the social equivalent of getting into a cold swimming pool. Some people prefer to just dive in and get used to it right away, others need to stick their toe in and go in slowly before they commit to the plunge. She's a slow-dipper.

[Magnus_9]

Do not wait for a sign of interest.

There are many, many women out there who won't give you any encouragement, sexually. Even if they want it. So if you wait around for HER to give you a sign of interest, you may miss a lot of opportunities.

Most girls won't open kino, for example. You have to go ahead and touch them first...really start to warm them up before they counter with their own touching...if you get that early-on, consider yourself lucky and take full advantage. (or you're dealing with an attention wh0re, but the only way to find out is to go for it!!)

Unless a girl is REALLY taken with you, she probably won't put forth any effort to further the sarge. She'll make opportunities but YOU have to capitalize on them.

This is a natural sh!t-test. Women offer openings, but unless they are extremely attracted they do not actively pursue. This is female nature...receptiveness.

The chump who has no self-confidence will sit and wait for a sign of interest and, not receiving any, will hem and haw and wait aimlessly until his self-doubt overcomes him and he walks away.

Or she'll glance over at him, but she won't smile and instead just looks the other way. He'll read that as disinterest and go mope in the corner.

Or he'll be on a date with a girl and put his arm around her but she won't react at all...she won't snuggle closer, won't look at him, acts like it didn't even happen. And he'll assume she's not interested in him physically and back off.

But the truth is he NEVER GOT REJECTED. He rejected HIMSELF because he took her lack of reaction as disinterest.

"Make the ho say no." Remember...girls can't give go-ahead signs to any guy (and you'd be naive to think they don't know their own signs well enough to mask them), because if they did, they'd have EVERY guy out there wanting to bang them. And often they feel uncomfortable giving those signs even to the guys they WANT, because even THAT can be seen as "slutty", and they don't want to appear too interested in the cawk all at once.

You ever been at a party or in a nightclub/bar and seen a guy just walk right up to a girl you were trying to work up the nerve to talk to...and start talking to her, putting his arm around her, etc, and she seemed to be unphased by it...and chuckled to yourself about how the guy was an ass and was just being obnoxious and couldn't get any?

Then later that night you find her warming up to him, seeking HIM out, smiling, giving out her number, etc...and you wondered how she could POSSIBLY be taken in by his lame "routine"?

She was into him from the BEGINNING. During the proverbial "7 seconds", she had already decided that this guy made the first cut. From then on it was simply a test of his persistence, to see if he felt confident that he was the real deal or if he would be overtaken by his insecurities in response to her indifference and take off.

Too many guys make that first cut, but the hot girl he's talking to offers little in the way of encouragement. This is the "mirror-test". With no positive feedback, a man receives no indication of his self-worth from the woman, so he has to derive it for himself. If he looks at himself and sees one who isn't worthy of the woman in front of him, then he will reject himself. He will wait for a sign of interest or encouragement and, receiving none, he will give up on a woman that he could have easily seduced. If he truly BELIEVES that he has what it takes to seduce the girl, he will persist until outright rejected.

This is what's "hard" about approaching, about revealing interest, and about escalating. This is what "AFCs" have so much trouble with...taking control of their OWN lives when encouragement is not offered to them.

Do NOT ask, "Is she interested in me?". Find out.
Do NOT wait for a sign of interest. Assume she is interested.
Do NOT wait for the right moment. MAKE it.

If a lack of encouragement forces you to quit at something as simple as picking up a girl...what is she supposed to think you're going to do when REAL problems come up, when you go through the hardship of raising kids and providing for their well-being? Act like you've got a pair...don't rely on other people to create your self-esteem for you.

[limniade]

Those are good suggestions. But in the case of someone who's especially shy, I think you have to be careful about escalating. You don't want to be all, "So, let's go out sometime! How about it?" to someone who might actually really want that, but ends up being a deer in the headlights in those situations and says, "Uh...I just got soda up my nose. Bye!" and then kicks themselves for blowing it. We've all had moments like that.

That's why I think that in the OP's case, a more gradual build-up and casual approach would have a greater chance of success.