My essay on diversity for a scholarship

[azzazurna]

I was searching for scholarships on FastWeb past midnight and came across one that offers you to write an essay on diversity. I was pretty tired and the prize wasn't something to lose sleep over, but still, I decided to devote an hour to honing my essay-writing skills by writing this piece.

*Define diversity and describe an experience form you life in which diversity affected your life in a positive or negative way

Here it is...

In the contemporary world, there is often found a wide array of opinions regarding the issue of diversity and the effect it has on individuals, nations, and the world as a whole. Some people stress the negative aspects of diversity and are generally opposed to the concept, while others emphasize its positive aspects and are generally in support of it. In this essay, I will portray through words an experience with diversity from my own life and attempt to define diversity by presenting to the best of my ability two opposing views on this controversial issue that prevail in today's societies.

As a general rule, it is clear through observation that those who view diversity in a positive light tend to overlook any negative aspects of it, saying that the positive influence that it has on societies and its peoples far outweighs any negative effects, in the long run. The reasons that they provide in support of their view are various, the most significant amongst them being the importance of exposure to different cultures and peoples in decreasing feelings of hostility towards peoples and cultures other than our own. As a result of such exposure and acquaintance with the strange cultures and peoples, of which the utmost element of its proponents' persuasion lies in the belief that such contact will generally be positive, proponents of diversity contend that the native population will experience a gradual decline in any xenophobic sentiment it might harbor. As a result of this, supporters of diversity argue, the whole world will generally experience a gradual decrease in militant activities amongst different nations.

Espoused by opponents of diversity is another viewpoint, which stresses and views the negative aspects of diversity as more important and as offsetting of any positive effects of diversity on societies and the world. Opponents of diversity generally argue that diversity principally serves as a corrosion, or gradual destruction, of the inherent identity of a native population which comes into contact with different cultures and peoples. Intent on saving their own culture and identity in its pure form, opponents of diversity claim that a transformation in the identity of the native population as a result of diversity will be imminent, through means such as constant exposure to the differing culture and the adoption of some of its aspects into the native culture, and the sexual intermixing of the native population with the foreign people.

Personally, I have many life experiences in which diversity has affected me as a person, both negatively and positively. For example, throughout my high school years, I have come in contact with people of many different cultures and ethnic makeups, making me more aware of how different or similar other people's cultural upbringing is to mine. Whereas a person lacking such vast contact with different peoples is unable to form a truly informed general view of the world and its many different peoples, I, through such contact, can and continue to do so every single day.

In the end, I'd like to conclude this essay by stating that whether diversity is beneficial or detrimental to a society depends upon a lot of different, but equal in importance, factors. Summed up, such factors make up to comprise both, the native and the foreign peoples' core values in life, and the native people's nation's geopolitical situation at the time.

Judgment time!! Deadline is mid-January.

[Fidelis]

Originally Posted by azzazurna

I was searching for scholarships on FastWeb past midnight and came across one that offers you to write an essay on diversity. I was pretty tired and the prize wasn't something to lose sleep over, but still, I decided to devote an hour to honing my essay-writing skills by writing this piece.

*Define diversity and describe an experience form you life in which diversity affected your life in a positive or negative way

Here it is...

In the contemporary world, there is often found a wide array of opinions regarding the issue of diversity and the effect it has on individuals, nations, and the world as a whole. Some people stress the negative aspects of diversity and are generally opposed to the concept, while others emphasize its positive aspects and are generally in support of it. In this essay, I will portray<Try not to refer to yourself like this. Make your intentions obvious, but don't refer to them explicitly.> through words an experience with diversity from my own life and attempt to define diversity by presenting to the best of my ability two opposing views on this controversial issue that prevail in today's societies.

As a general rule, it is clear through observation that those who view diversity in a positive light tend to overlook any negative aspects of it, saying that the positive influence that it has on societies and its peoples far outweighs any negative effects, in the long run <take out comma>. The reasons that they provide in support of their view are various, the most significant amongst them being the importance of exposure to different cultures and peoples in decreasing feelings of hostility towards peoples and cultures other than our own. As a result of such exposure and acquaintance with the strange cultures and peoples, of which the utmost element of its <don't use this pronoun; be explicit because it's not clear what you're referring to (I'm assuming 'diversity')> proponents' persuasion lies in the belief that such contact will generally be positive, proponents of diversity contend that the native population will experience a gradual decline in any xenophobic sentiment it might harbor. As a result of this <remove; unnecessary>, supporters of diversity argue, the whole <remove comma and add "that"> world will generally experience a gradual decrease in militant activities amongst different nations.

Espoused by opponents of diversity is another viewpoint, which stresses and views <just say "stresses" and take out "and views"> the negative aspects of diversity as more important and as offsetting <change to "as being more important and offsetting> of any positive effects of diversity on societies and the world. Opponents of diversity generally argue that diversity principally serves as a corrosion, or gradual destruction, of the inherent identity of a native population which comes into contact with different cultures and peoples. Intent on saving their own culture and identity in its pure form, opponents of diversity claim that a transformation in the identity of the native population as a result of diversity will be imminent, through means such as constant exposure to the differing culture and the adoption of some of its aspects into the native culture, and the sexual intermixing of the native population with the foreign people.

Personally, I have many life experiences in which diversity has affected me as a person, both negatively and positively <using "personally" and "as a person" is redundant; leave one, delete the other. perhaps say "I have many life experiences in which I have been negatively and positively affected as a person.">. For example, throughout my high school years, I have come in contact with people of many different cultures and ethnic makeups, making me more aware of how different or similar other people's cultural upbringing is to mine. Whereas a person lacking such vast contact with different peoples is unable to form a truly informed general view of the world and its many different peoples, I, through such contact, can and continue to do so every single day <This is an awkward sentence. You use "different peoples" twice, which is redundant. You also say that you "can continue to do so every single day"--what are you doing every single day? Forming a worldview? Really, every day? Scrap this sentence and write another one (or two or more to fully explain what you're trying to say).>.

In the end, I'd like to conclude this essay <If you're a good writer, you don't need to tell your reader what you're doing--they should be able to tell. Restate your thesis, describe your conclusions, and briefly state how you reached them. This is a short essay so it shouldn't take much. Just be sure to drive home your analysis.> by stating that whether diversity is beneficial or detrimental to a society depends upon a lot of different, but equal in importance, factors <Try "different but equally important factors" to avoid the awkward comma use>. Summed up, such factors make up to comprise both, the <you don't need this comma> native and the foreign peoples' core values in life, and the native people's nation's geopolitical situation at the time.

Judgment time!! Deadline is mid-January.

Hope this helped. I mostly paid attention to grammatical and stylistic problems rather than focusing on your actual message. It's too late (early now) to mess with that.

Also, you might consider making your essay more personal so that it will stand out against the other submissions. How have your personal experiences affected your understanding of diversity? Reread your prompt: did you adequately answer it? You talked a lot about how diversity is viewed by other people, but you only passingly mentioned your personal experiences with diversity. In fact, you only included three sentences about your personal experiences. Instead, define diversity in a sentence or two, then introduce the reader to your personal experiences with diversity in the first paragraph. Develop your thesis (which seems to be "Personally, I have many life experiences in which diversity has affected me as a person, both negatively and positively."--but consider rephrasing it) throughout the rest of your essay, using various personal experiences to describe exactly how diversity has affected you, and why those effects have been positive or negative.

[Ruthless4Life]

Just a note: For a short essay, I think it's better you omit sentences such as "In this essay, I will..." It is already clear what you are going to argue, so that is redundant.

[AJbuilder]

Well presented but too verbose. Omit unnecessary words.

[BigJohn308]

I found it to be wordy and nebulous. It seems that you are trying to get by on typing lots of "big" words and letting your essay stand on that. This works with some teachers/professors, but it is risky to try to use that angle. The essay was very "safe" in my opinion. You stayed very general and vague. Your "personal experience" with diversity lacked any depth whatsoever. You basically said " I have benefitted by hanging out with different people because now I know how different people are", there is just not much to that statement. You have the workings of a good paper and it was adequate for only taking an hour. Good luck on scholarships!

[azzazurna]

Originally Posted by Fidelis

Hope this helped. I mostly paid attention to grammatical and stylistic problems rather than focusing on your actual message. It's too late (early now) to mess with that.

Also, you might consider making your essay more personal so that it will stand out against the other submissions. How have your personal experiences affected your understanding of diversity? Reread your prompt: did you adequately answer it? You talked a lot about how diversity is viewed by other people, but you only passingly mentioned your personal experiences with diversity. In fact, you only included three sentences about your personal experiences. Instead, define diversity in a sentence or two, then introduce the reader to your personal experiences with diversity in the first paragraph. Develop your thesis (which seems to be "Personally, I have many life experiences in which diversity has affected me as a person, both negatively and positively."--but consider rephrasing it) throughout the rest of your essay, using various personal experiences to describe exactly how diversity has affected you, and why those effects have been positive or negative.

I know, I know. Thanks for going over it and editing the mistakes.

I was pretty tired and didn't really care enough to go over it once I wrote it, and the prize is small, hence the unnecessary redundancy of words and a few other mistakes. Actually, I was aware of the fact that the essay didn't really fit the topic given, as I wrote a lot on the different opinions regarding diversity and too little about my own experience with it. I thought it'll go by; if not, nothing really big will be lost. Once again, the prize wasn't something to lose sleep over, only $2500, and it's bleakly in comparison with other scholarship offers.

I was actually fishing for criticism on the content of the essay.

[Fidelis]

Originally Posted by azzazurna

I know, I know. Thanks for going over it and editing the mistakes.

I was pretty tired and didn't really care enough to go over it once I wrote it, and the prize is small, hence the unnecessary redundancy of words and a few other mistakes. Actually, I was aware of the fact that the essay didn't really fit the topic given, as I wrote a lot on the different opinions regarding diversity and too little about my own experience with it. I thought it'll go by; if not, nothing really big will be lost. Once again, the prize wasn't something to lose sleep over, only $2500, and it's bleakly in comparison with other scholarship offers.

I was actually fishing for criticism on the content of the essay.

Well, I can tell you that your essay will not impress the people awarding the scholarship simply because it does not address the prompt in any depth whatsoever. It may not seem like much, but I can live off campus for a semester on less than $2500 in the city where my university is located. You could also buy books for all four years of college with that money.

If you want that money, I think you're going to have to rewrite the essay. That, or be one of the only applicants. You aren't a bad writer, but you just didn't address the prompt.

[Stabby18]

Originally Posted by azzazurna

I know, I know. Thanks for going over it and editing the mistakes.

I was pretty tired and didn't really care enough to go over it once I wrote it, and the prize is small, hence the unnecessary redundancy of words and a few other mistakes. Actually, I was aware of the fact that the essay didn't really fit the topic given, as I wrote a lot on the different opinions regarding diversity and too little about my own experience with it. I thought it'll go by; if not, nothing really big will be lost. Once again, the prize wasn't something to lose sleep over, only $2500, and it's bleakly in comparison with other scholarship offers.

I was actually fishing for criticism on the content of the essay.

Where are u applying? Harvard?

[azzazurna]

Originally Posted by Stabby18

Where are u applying? Harvard?

I wish I had the money to do that. Fin aid prospects aren't looking too well for me. I was told I am not eligible for grants, and am only eligible to be given a loan that doesn't pay even half the tuition for the college I'm going to attend in February. I'm going for Baruch College, and plan to transfer to a more prestigious school once I get my baccalaureate in the two majors I've chosen to pursue a higher degree.

[SYRIANKID]

Originally Posted by azzazurna

depends upon a lot of different, but equal in importance, factors.

"but equally important factors."

I think this essay is daring. It's daring because the person reading it could tear it in half for even suggesting that his inter-racial marrage could be a "bad thing". We have to always remember that at the end of the day, the person evaluating us is a human, and humans can easily claim they are not offended but can downgrade you based on the offense you have caused them while disguising it with a legitimate but bogus reason. That's why so many people opt for the easy way out and try to tell everyone what they think they want to hear.

If I could suggest something, I would say to shave off the introductory verbosity in each paragraph and hit upon more main ideas. Add another pro and con to diversity. I would also try to give a comment on "Political correctness," on when it is appropriate and when it is simply used as a shield to prevent discussion.

[TricepsNGirls]

Don't submit this essay. It won't get you the scholarship. They want a narrative, not a drab high school expository one. The five paragraph rule is also a load of crap so don't adhere to it.

Give them a story. No one wants to hear the philisophical rants of a pseudo-intellectual adolescent. We can't offer words of wisdom at this age but we can share some fine-ass experiences.

Trust me on this one. Experienced readers will see through flowery prose within seconds to find that there is little substance beneath. Get rid of the excess wordiness and provide something that entertains and touches the reader. This is a personal experiences essay. It needs to emit that "unique" feeling else it'll simply get lost among everyone else's submission. Don't go against the grain because they obviously want something parading diversity, but avoid cliche because your reader will be primed to identify a typical essay in an instant.

[SYRIANKID]

Originally Posted by TricepsNGirls

Don't submit this essay. They want a narrative, not your drab high school expository one. The five paragraph rule is also a load of crap so don't adhere to it.

Give them a story. No one wants to hear the philisophical rants of a pseudo-intellectual adolescent. We can't offer words of wisdom at this age but we can share some fine-ass experiences.

Trust me on this one. Experienced readers will see through flowery prose within seconds to find that there is little substance beneath. Get rid of the excess wordiness and provide something that entertains and touches the reader.

A narrative? Like the 500 other ones they are going to read about how one time he used to have a bias against a particular race/religion but then he teamed up with one/had one save his life and he realized "hey you know what?! You guys ain't so bad after all!"

They'd throw that on the pile of "why diversity is great and American is the melting pot of the world!"

[azzazurna]

Originally Posted by SYRIANKID

"but equally important factors."

I think this essay is daring. It's daring because the person reading it could tear it in half for even suggesting that his inter-racial marrage could be a "bad thing". We have to always remember that at the end of the day, the person evaluating us is a human, and humans can easily claim they are not offended but can downgrade you based on the offense you have caused them while disguising it with a legitimate but bogus reason. That's why so many people opt for the easy way out and try to tell everyone what they think they want to hear.

If I could suggest something, I would say to shave off the introductory verbosity in each paragraph and hit upon more main ideas. Add another pro and con to diversity. I would also try to give a comment on "Political correctness," on when it is appropriate and when it is simply used as a shield to prevent discussion.

Actually, I was very well aware of the fact that if a politically correct, brain-washed moron would be grading the essay, he or she might have the urge to turn it down for just seeing the negative aspects mentioned, regardless of the fact that without mentioning the negative aspects in it the essay would be untruthful.

However, I cannot go through life without speaking what I believe is the truth. Of course, this is just an essay and it could be said that even if I do not express my own opinion on the matter, nothing will be lost of me and I will only be likely to gain (the award). But, I feel strongly about certain political issues, and I believe that the whole political correctness issue should be stood up against in every single action that we take. As long as what I say is true, I am ready to say it and uphold it no matter how much opposition I will have to go through. Given that what we do is right, justice is served only by persistence and consistency in all the actions that we take.

I was faced with the same dilemma in high school. When doing presentations on history and projects for other subjects where political issues would have to be mentioned, I had the option of telling history as it is, or twisting it into a form which is generally seen as more acceptable in our PC society. I chose the former. The teachers never picked at it or lowered my grade for it.

[TricepsNGirls]

Originally Posted by SYRIANKID

A narrative? Like the 500 other ones they are going to read about how one time he used to have a bias against a particular race/religion but then he teamed up with one/had one save his life and he realized "hey you know what?! You guys ain't so bad after all!"

They'd throw that on the pile of "why diversity is great and American is the melting pot of the world!"

Well guess what, you gotta answer the prompt. You might be too long past college admissions, but all they want out of an essay is a sense of your personality. There's nothing a teenager can say that will rivet an experienced reader intellectually, and besides, it's not what they're looking for. The focus here is not the "define diversity" portion. If anything, the definition should be resolved at the end of the essay, reflecting the reader's experience.

Few kids can churn out a quality essay. It's up to azzazurna to stand out among the applicants.

[SYRIANKID]

Originally Posted by azzazurna

Actually, I was very well aware of the fact that if a politically correct, brain-washed moron would be grading the essay, he or she might have the urge to turn it down for just seeing the negative aspects mentioned, regardless of the fact that without mentioning the negative aspects in it the essay would be untruthful.

However, I cannot go through life without speaking what I believe is the truth. Of course, this is just an essay and it could be said that even if I do not express my own opinion on the matter, nothing will be lost of me and I will only be likely to gain (the award). But, I feel strongly about certain political issues, and I believe that the whole political correctness issue should be stood up against in every single action that we take. As long as what I say is true, I am ready to say it and uphold it no matter how much opposition I will have to go through. Given that what we do is right, justice is served only by persistence and consistency in all the actions that we take.

I was faced with the same dilemma in high school. When doing presentations on history and projects for other subjects where political issues would have to be mentioned, I had the option of telling history as it is, or twisting it into a form which is generally seen as more acceptable in our PC society. I chose the former. The teachers never picked at it or lowered my grade for it.

Well I just have to warn you. What works in highschool doesn't always work in University or the real world or in dark alleyways. People who want to say things that bother people will miss out on a lot of scholarships and awards and often get poor marks, rarely will they be able to hold political office.

However, beware of adhering to an opinion simply because many people (whose intellect you question) do not agree with it. There is no merit in being a contrarian and simply going against the flow or using majority opinion to direct you towards your opinion (by automatically swimming away from it). That is JUST AS mindless as siding with the majority because they are the majority.

[SYRIANKID]

Originally Posted by TricepsNGirls

Well guess what, you gotta answer the prompt. You might be too long past college admissions, but all they want out of an essay is a sense of your personality. There's nothing a teenager can say that will rivet an experienced reader intellectually, and besides, it's not what they're looking for. The focus here is not the "define diversity" portion. If anything, the definition should be resolved at the end of the essay, reflecting the reader's experience.

Few kids can churn out a quality essay. It's up to azzazurna to stand out among the applicants.

Yes I agree with you that the prompt must be answered. He should keep his conclusions and just add them to the end of a short introductory narrative.

[TricepsNGirls]

Originally Posted by SYRIANKID

Yes I agree with you that the prompt must be answered. He should keep his conclusions and just add them to the end of a short introductory narrative.

I gotta disagree with the latter comment. Writing is entertainment. Reading through mediocre work is boring. The reader's senses must be satisfied. "Show not tell" still holds strong. Would you rather read a classic or the corresponding essays by literary critics?

[SYRIANKID]

Originally Posted by TricepsNGirls

I gotta disagree with the latter comment. Writing is entertainment. Reading through mediocre work is boring. The reader's senses must be satisfied. "Show not tell" still holds strong. Would you rather read a classic or the corresponding essays by literary critics?

How do you expect the guy to quickly fabricate a story about diversity? What if he has no interesting encounters? Should he just give us the same cliched stories we are used to hearing, that's not engaging. Not everyone lives through American History X.

[TricepsNGirls]

Originally Posted by SYRIANKID

How do you expect the guy to quickly fabricate a story about diversity? What if he has no interesting encounters? Should he just give us the same cliched stories we are used to hearing, that's not engaging. Not everyone lives through American History X.

It doesn't have to be sensational. Was the best movie you ever watched an action flick or something more subtle? The portrayal and reaction, not the experience, are what count. I say this all because he still has time to draft up some other ideas. Anyone can do it with the right mentality and approach.

[azzazurna]

Thanks for all the advice on the essay, guys. I'll take it into account when writing essays in the future.

SK, I do not hold opinions just to go against the flow. Nearly all of the opinions that I feel strongly about I came to through deep contemplation. Going against majority opinion just to rebel is very stupid in my opinion. Usually, if I don't know something, I adhere to what most people say. However, that is the reason why I am so intellectually curious and love to learn. I want to hold opinions that will not break down when under criticism. Simple saying "well, that's what most people believe" isn't going to cut it. Besides I find that the more I study an issue, the more I realize how different my opinion on it becomes from the majority opinion.

[Stabby18]

Originally Posted by azzazurna

Thanks for all the advice, guys. SK, I do not hold opinions just to go against the flow. Nearly all of the opinions that I feel strongly about I came to through deep contemplation. Going against majority opinion just to rebel is very stupid in my opinion. Usually, if I don't know something, I adhere to what most people say. However, that is the reason why I am so intellectually curious and love to learn. I want to hold opinions that will not break down when under criticism. Simple saying "well, that's what most people believe" isn't going to cut it. Besides I find that the more I study an issue, the more I realize how different my opinion on it becomes from the majority opinion.

Baruch College is solid. I heard (not sure) that Baruch, Queens College, and Brooklyn College are the jewels of the CUNY system. However, many schools specialize in different things and do a good job of it (i.e. Baruch Business School, CCNY journalism and media, Queens College art, etc.) What major are you going to pursue?

[azzazurna]

Originally Posted by Stabby18

Baruch College is solid. I heard (not sure) that Baruch, Queens College, and Brooklyn College are the jewels of the CUNY system. However, many schools specialize in different things and do a good job of it (i.e. Baruch Business School, CCNY journalism and media, Queens College art, etc.) What major are you going to pursue?

Well, one of the reasons I applied to Baruch is exactly the one you mentioned. I'm not sure about other CUNY schools, but I do know for sure that Baruch is a very strong business school, and quite tough on its students. Employers know and value that.

My major actually has nothing to do with business; it's nuclear physics and mathematics. I'm pursuing a double major. Both of my sisters have an MBA from Pace U and my father is a PhD in economics (he earned the degree in Russia, which, mind you, has both its primary and higher education system on the same level, if not higher, as any Western system - hence the value attached in the Western world to scientists from the former Soviet countries), plus most of my relatives have degrees in BA or law or are doctors, so I want to do something different.

I hardly want my father to pay for my college expenses out of his own pocket, hence I am busting my ass 24/7 now applying for scholarships and undergoing training at a local mortgage company to become a loan officer. I gotta do something. I hardly go out with friends or chicks now and been depressed as f*ck lately; maybe that's what prompted the worst of my human nature to come out in my recent posts.

You said you were born in and raised in NYC. What high school did you go to and in what part of Manhattan did/do you live?

[Ruthless4Life]

Originally Posted by azzazurna

I want to hold opinions that will not break down when under criticism. Simple saying "well, that's what most people believe" isn't going to cut it.

You can easily avoid the "criticism" by doing some research, such as saying, "Bronislaw Malinowski, a Polish anthropologists, argues that innate social behavior... However, critics of Malinowski argue... But from my personal experience, I've encountered... Therefore, I believe..."

Pretty much standard exercise...

[WhiteNationalis]

Originally Posted by azzazurna

In the contemporary world, there is often found a wide array of opinions regarding the issue of diversity and the effect it has on individuals, nations, and the world as a whole. Some people stress the negative aspects of diversity and are generally opposed to the concept, while others emphasize its positive aspects and are generally in support of it. In this essay, I will portray through words an experience with diversity from my own life and attempt to define diversity by presenting to the best of my ability two opposing views on this controversial issue that prevail in today's societies.

Behold the part highlighted parts in bold. I would try to avoid saying "In this essay" or "I will show you" etc. This is unnecessary and it would be more clear if you just said the message instead of using phrases like that. I would definitely rewrite the thesis statement. When you said "by presenting to the best of my ability" that is really not a good line and completely unnecessary as it takes away from content quality of the essay. When I read that I started focusing on you and not on your message that you are trying to get across. Your essay has a lot of unnecessary pauses which makes it a little bit difficult to read. It would be a lot better if you just got straight to the point.

Btw the main thing when writing an essay is to be clear, consise and to the point and every word counts. Whenever you finish an essay or paragraph you should review it to see if you can get rid of any unnecessary phrases, sentences etc.

As a general rule, it is clear through observation that those who view diversity in a positive light tend to overlook any negative aspects of it,

The part in bold makes me stop and is unnecessary. I would appreciate your writing better if you just started with "It is clear". But the it is clear through observation line is probably not good as it can arise conflict.

saying that the positive influence that it has on societies and its peoples far outweighs any negative effects, in the long run.

I agree with Fidelis here, take out the comma. Try not to have all of the unnecessary stops because it just prolongs the essay and makes it boring to read and harder to grasp the message you are talking about with continual stops.

Personally, I have many life experiences in which diversity has affected me as a person, both negatively and positively. For example, throughout my high school years, I have come in contact with people of many different cultures and ethnic makeups, making me more aware of how different or similar other people's cultural upbringing is to mine. Whereas a person lacking such vast contact with different peoples is unable to form a truly informed general view of the world and its many different peoples, I, through such contact, can and continue to do so every single day.

Try not to use the following phrases especially words like like personally, as this is your essay and you are referring to yourself and there is no need to point out the obvious as it is your personal opinion that you are expressing. You have a lot of unnecessary stops.

In the end, I'd like to conclude this essay by stating that whether diversity is beneficial or detrimental to a society depends upon a lot of different, but equal in importance, factors. Summed up, such factors make up to comprise both, the native and the foreign peoples' core values in life, and the native people's nation's geopolitical situation at the time.

Dont say in the end or i'd like to conclude. Just like your thesis just say what your conclusion is and get directly to the point. If you wrote the essay well people should be able to tell that it is your conclusion and you dont need to tell them. One of the principles rules that I learned about writing is that "Dont tell the reader show, show them."

Overall I agree with TricepsNGirls. These types of essays are not looking for who is the most articulate, but who has the best story submitted in a nicely written essay. Your essay definitely shows that you are an intelligent guy who knows how to write but its too philosophical and doesn't stand out IMHO. I can see that you are toning it down to be acceptable but that is the problem. You should write a story that everyone can accept and has some type of message that everyone can agree upon. Sending a good message is the key to a great essay and will set you apart from the rest of the pack. I think you have the potential to be a great writer and you are very intelligent and have nice opinions, but I would grade this essay as B if I were the person who graded the essay in the contest. But dont give up, because you definitely are a smart guy who is a good writer but you could just go over some basic writing principles.