O/T My mom is dieing and I don't know what to do

[LongnHard]

I know that his is not BB related, but as we are all over 35 here some of you may have gone through, will go though, or may be even going through it right now. I have been named the person responsible for making sure the instructions in her living will are honored should she not be able to make that call herself ? she can longer do that. I believe I have done the right thing in making a no resuscitate order, but it does feel strange to sign those papers. Her Dr. freaked out tonight and thought perhaps I didn?t understand what I had signed. She is old (87) tired and sick. She has been in ICU for almost 3 weeks and has continued to go down hill. They want to insert a breathing tube and insert a feeding tube into her stomach. Both of these procedures she specified she did not want. I refused to give my consent. Even knowing that this is what I think she would want I can?t help but wonder if I am doing the right thing. My dad always said the same thing, but when it came down to it he gave his permission to have the breathing tube inserted. He lost consciousness and never regained it. We then had to make the decision to withdraw the life support. So I wonder if she could have her say right now what would she do? I actually watched her heart stop tonight for 30 seconds and then start again. The nurse said that has happened all day and she has never seen anything like it. Even knowing that this is what I think she would want I can?t help but wonder if I am doing the right thing. This really sucks.

[teethpick]

Brother, only you can answer these questions, as you know your Mom best.
If I were in your place, I would trust my own good judgement and do what I felt best. Don't let other people try to influence your decisions or make you second guess your decisions. Your Mom did not want to be artificially kept alive, according to what I read, so you ARE honoring her wishes.

Lastly, I don't know what your take on religion is, but prayer is a something that may bring you some peace...to each his own.

I hope the best for you and your family during this difficult time.

[ScubaDave]

My sympathies on what you are going through right now. I can't imagine the difficulty you are having and the strength it must take to make this difficult decisions.

You say your mother stated that she didn't want these procedures done, and you are following through on her instructions. You're doing the right thing in my book, even though the pain associated with it is tremendous, and it screams against every thing you want to do.

If you don't have one already, find a good counselor. Your family is great support, but it also helps tremendously to have a committed, third party professional help you with your own feelings of powerlessness during these times.

Good luck with everything you're going through.

Dave

[unimoose]

It's not easy making the tough decisions, or the unpopular ones, but you have to respect her wishes. The best of luck to you through all of this. I had a similar circumstance with my father so I know your plight. You know what she wants and it's up to you to make sure the Dr's follow that. Again, best of luck.

[Bando]

I went through this with my Mom recently, very hard to let her go. Just follow her wishes, she's still your mom and what she says goes.

[mfsteve]

Bando said it. I know first hand as well and I know how hard it is to watch.

Dying is a process and it's different for all of us.

All my hopes.

[bgnb]

doctors are all *******s ...

let your mother go in peace ... a feeding tube is horrid and
it has nothing to do with quality of life ...

my mom died at 62 because she refused medical treatment and
she could have lived 20 years but didn't want to become some
medical experiment ...

not an easy decision but we respected it.

Its NOT your life, its hers ... respect it.

[98supra]

like the rest have said follow what you think is right and respect and honor your moms last wishes.Im very sorry you have to go threw all this and I wish you the best.im sure your mom will repsect and understand w/e you wish to do.

be like water my friend,flowing threw what ever may come,never stopping or looking back,and allways moving forward!

[TANK25]

I will be praying for you and your mother. I`M sure you will do the right thing by your mom.

[DRP7]

Originally Posted by LongnHard

I know that his is not BB related, but as we are all over 35 here some of you may have gone through, will go though, or may be even going through it right now. I have been named the person responsible for making sure the instructions in her living will are honored should she not be able to make that call herself ? she can longer do that. I believe I have done the right thing in making a no resuscitate order, but it does feel strange to sign those papers. Her Dr. freaked out tonight and thought perhaps I didn?t understand what I had signed. She is old (87) tired and sick. She has been in ICU for almost 3 weeks and has continued to go down hill. They want to insert a breathing tube and insert a feeding tube into her stomach. Both of these procedures she specified she did not want. I refused to give my consent. Even knowing that this is what I think she would want I can?t help but wonder if I am doing the right thing. My dad always said the same thing, but when it came down to it he gave his permission to have the breathing tube inserted. He lost consciousness and never regained it. We then had to make the decision to withdraw the life support. So I wonder if she could have her say right now what would she do? I actually watched her heart stop tonight for 30 seconds and then start again. The nurse said that has happened all day and she has never seen anything like it. Even knowing that this is what I think she would want I can?t help but wonder if I am doing the right thing. This really sucks.

this is a very big problem and nobody can give an answer that would apply to anybody else beside oneself.
I can only tell from my own, very personal feelings and anticipations on how I would possibly decide: For me (please note, this is my very own and subjective stance and does not need to apply to you), life is absolutely unique. once it gets lost, it can't be regained. as long as someone lives, there is at least a theoretical chance and hope that his/her state could improve. I would like to mention several cases of patients who had been in coma for months and even for years and who woke up one day. if their relatives would have let them die, the lives of these patients would have been inevitably lost.
sometimes, even when medicine says that there is no realistic hope that the health state of a patient will improve, there are still enough cases of spontaneous healings that nobody can explain. Simon Wiesenthal (the big and famous Nazi-hunter) said once: "A Jew who does not believe in wonders is no realist".
So, I - personally and subjectively - would try to maintain life as long as possible. as long as life lasts, there is a theoretical chance of improvement.

Interestingly: even if some people say: "when I get old and when something bad happens to me, then let me die and don't rescue me", this stance can change when these same people are faced with death. bad thing if they are then unable to voice their changed view.

I don't know if this was helpful to you. please be aware that I speak only for myself. others may have differing opinions and they have all rights to think in a different way. I thionk that there is no absolute and universally valid stance on this huge problem.

[DRP7]

Originally Posted by TANK25

I will be praying for you and your mother. I`M sure you will do the right thing by your mom.

^^^^AMEN to that! this is always of great help!

[Fiend_73]

My dad had a DNR order before his death. He knew if he did live, he would not have quality of life, he suffered for years.
He had a heart attack (a small problem compared to his real issue). He was unconscious for a while and the Dr.'s guaranteed brain damage, plus he was dying already.
We followed through with the DNR order. It was his wish and final demand.

IMHO, my mother did the right thing. God gave him a door to come home through in peace and dignity. We simply did not fight it.

My prayers and thoughts are with you and your family.

[Reality_Check]

Tough spot to be in. Praying for you. I can see why your mum wouldn't want to spend the rest of her life on a breathing tube. I think medical science (or rather doctors) sometimes intervene at times when it is better to let things go there natural course. I don't believe in euthenasia myself but I think that is quite different to letting things go there natural course. I know what I'd chose if it were me. Its your decision though. Doctors have a preserve life at all cost mentality and don't seem to take quality of life into account. In my own case I don't want to continue this earthly life it means being in a living hell, though I believe in an after life, if you believe this life is all there is then I guess you might try to maintain it at all cost. At any rate if its your mothers wishes I don't think your doing anything wrong by following through. Its not an unreasonable position for your mother to have taken. But yeah its a tough call no doubt.

[greenamphibious]

My take is this (and both my parents are alive and well so I guess it is just opinion): Your mother brought you into this world and took care of you and was there to make sure you were "OK" through life (I assume) Currently it would seem the roles are reversed and now it is your turn to return the favor (which you have done) I can't imagine it was an easy decision but I imagine it is the right one... for you and your mother. Only you know what is best and probably know your mother's wishes better than anyone else. My thoughts and prayers are with you both in this tough time. I can't express enough that a living will is a must!

[IR45N]

Longnhard,

My thoughts and prayers are with you and I'm sorry you're going through this; whether your mom has a living will or not. It's not comfortable feeling helpless concerning someone you love. Both my folks also had similar living wills with the DNR instructions and later I too had to sign papers to the effect.

No matter what action you took at this time it's only natural you'll feel you're not doing enough or the right thing. Difficult as it is, I hope you allow yourself some peace of mind that you have made the right decision in honoring your mom's wishes.

[samori]

respecting your mom's wishes is not the easiest task, but it is the right thing to do if that was her wish.

As the stable member of my family I was the one who had to deal with this 4 years ago. I kept her wishes true as hard as it was to come to grips with. I held her hand with her last breath.

Bro, prayers to you and your family in this painful time.

[michaeljazz]

Originally Posted by LongnHard

I know that his is not BB related, but as we are all over 35 here some of you may have gone through, will go though, or may be even going through it right now. I have been named the person responsible for making sure the instructions in her living will are honored should she not be able to make that call herself ? she can longer do that. I believe I have done the right thing in making a no resuscitate order, but it does feel strange to sign those papers. Her Dr. freaked out tonight and thought perhaps I didn?t understand what I had signed. She is old (87) tired and sick. She has been in ICU for almost 3 weeks and has continued to go down hill. They want to insert a breathing tube and insert a feeding tube into her stomach. Both of these procedures she specified she did not want. I refused to give my consent. Even knowing that this is what I think she would want I can?t help but wonder if I am doing the right thing. My dad always said the same thing, but when it came down to it he gave his permission to have the breathing tube inserted. He lost consciousness and never regained it. We then had to make the decision to withdraw the life support. So I wonder if she could have her say right now what would she do? I actually watched her heart stop tonight for 30 seconds and then start again. The nurse said that has happened all day and she has never seen anything like it. Even knowing that this is what I think she would want I can?t help but wonder if I am doing the right thing. This really sucks.

Man I'm really sorry to hear about this bro. I couldn't begin to offer any advice on the matter, as I have never gone through anything like this before. I do have opinions and beliefs about that, but don't we all. I won't even bother you with those.

All I can say is that I'm sincerely praying for you man, and for your mom as well. One of the hardest things to go through in the world, is losing someone you love, that has been in your life for so many years.. since the beginning!

I pray that you'll have the strength, the wisdom, and the presence to make the right decision.. whatever that may be. I also pray that you'll be given the peace to live with that decision, and know that it was best. And lastly, I'm praying for some sort of miracle!

Take care man,
mj

[Bob45]

I had to go through this with my mother. Whatever decision you make is the right one. You've loved her for her entire life. There will always be some relative or friend that will say you should have done this or that. Stay strong. These sure are tough times.

[QUALITYGUY1]

Not sure where you are with God as other here mention, in light of that, you are still in my prayers. This is something that we all must face, and it is never easy. You must be the one to fulfill your mom's dying wishes, and I think that you need to try to put aside emotion, I know it's hard, and use your best judgement based on ALL of the available information available, that is, including your human element and your compassion. I wish you well my friend...God bless.

QG1

[jacked in MI]

Hey Jon, I'm so sorry that you are going through this.

Do take comfort in the fact that you know your mom's wishes on this. It's never an easy thing to do but you do have direction.

Take care, my friend of the iron. -Jeff

[StartinOver-68]

First of all I'm sorry to hear this. It seems nearly everyone responding here has had a similiar situation including me. My mother who was 82 at the time and living alone, took it upon herself to have brain surgery to remove a suspected blood clot. We all tried to tell her at that age brain surgery was not a viable option, but it was her decision. I am firmly convinced that she knew what the outcome would be. She never regained conciousness, along with brain damage, and was kept alive artificially for a few days until my brother and I carried out her living will wishes. It certainly was not easy but the decision had been made for us by her.
I have a living will also, and I certainly hope that if I'm ever in the same situation as that, the people in charge do what I request.
Peace be with you and your family, and my deepest sympathies.

[IronIc]

What a hard decision to make Your mother's wishes should override everything else. I used to work in nursing homes and witnessed first-hand the horrors of people kept alive when it probably would have been better to allow peaceful passing. My prayers are with you.

[NotTooLate]

I had the same responsibility when my mom was dying. She had asked me to do the same as your mom has asked as well.
My mom died of cancer 16 yrs ago at the age of 75. What I did when the time came is I didn't let them intervene in any way to keep her alive unless it was to make her more comfortable to die. In other words I wouldn't let them feed her intravenously or start her heart if it failed but when she was dying she was choking for breath and turning blue for many hours and was obviously not comfortable so I let them give her oxygen so she could breath until she died so she wouldn't be gasping for air and suffering. The oxygen didn't keep her alive it just eased her death and made it less horrible for her. So I think that I granted her wishes and yet made her comfortable dying at the same time.
You could approach it the same way but only you can decide because whatever you do you have to live with it. I am happy with my decision in retrospect.
Sorry about your mom. No matter how old we get they are still mom to us and we don't want to lose them.

[Wooly_Ace]

It's not an easy thing you are going through. Been there too many times myself. My guess is she knew that you would follow through with her wishes (which is probably why she made you executor of her will). Letting go is never, ever easy. I will keep you in my prayers.

[exguitarplayer]

I am truly sorry to hear that your mom is very ill. My thoughts are with you and members of your family as you embark on this exetremely difficult emotional period. As I read the threads I see that many have faced the same emotional rollcoaster you are on, including myself, as my mom passed away on my birthday 10 years ago. May all the prayers that you are receiving here and from those in your community assist you in lifting the weight of the cross that you are bearing.

[lynney]

Yes. Follow her wishes, but you can still make her comfortable do so. I remember when my Dad died 4 years ago. He and Mom decided not to do anything and let nature take it course. Advanced as we are in medicine now, there are still some things we cannot cure. When he was having trouble breathing and was in a lot of pain, we had the Hospice nurse give him some morphine. My sistersI, and the nurse had to explain to my Mother that oxygen and the morphine would not keep him alive longer, but make him sleep better until the end came.
When people are dying, their body tries so hard to fight it. Even to the point that they suffer extremely.
I and it appears that others are thinking about you, your family and the difficult decisions you will be making.

[kenjen]

You have to decide what needs to been done. The only thing i will say is if you decide not to put her on life support, make sure everybody who was anybody in her life, who wants to say good bye you let them do that.
Back when i was 11 my mom was terminally ill for as long as i could remember, in and out of hospital all the time. one day she has a surgery came out of it started internal bleeding, was to weak to go back in. My dad did not put her on life support. i wasn't there I never got to say good bye to my mom. took me many many years to forgive my dad for that. i still get chocked up about it when i think about it( like right now) stay strong.

[Mark1T]

Very sorry to hear about your Mom. It is heartbreaking to see people we love, suffer and it is a helpless feeling. Your Mom was probably thinking of what is best for her family first, before thinking of herself. That's how loving Moms are. So, I cannot give advice. I just know that it is part of our instinct to do what is right at the moment in times such as these, and you should have faith that the choices you make will be right. However, they will always be difficult.

Best

[Whiskeyjack]

I had to go through this kind of hell with my dad, who was dying of leukemia at age 57! I remember when he was young and healthy he'd once said, "I never want to spend my last days in an ICU with tubes keeping me going at a vegetative level, I'd rather row out to sea." When he was in misery and the docs said that this was the best he'd have and even suggested pulling the plug, I ordered him filled with morphine and let the plug be pulled - at least he could sail out. It was terrible. I don't envy you the situation. Whatever you do, I'm sure it'll be right.

[mrbiggunz]

Jon,
my thoughts and prayers are with you on this very hard time in your life. The most difficult answers always doesn't seem logic, but in time it will. I will continue to lift all of your family in prayer. Ed