When you get fit and your partner doesn't???

[josiethefiend]

Over the last year, I?ve dropped about 25 pounds. I?m now even thinner than I was when my boyfriend of two years and I started dating. I?m much more fit than I was, that?s for sure, and I?m still progressing and loosing weight. My boyfriend, on the other hand, has not dropped his extra poundage. He lost a little weight at one point, but it looks like most of it is back on, as the more he moves the more he eats.

This is starting to get a bit rough for me. For one, I wish he would come lift with me, and things like that. It would be fun to have a partner in crime. Secondly, I?m not so hot on being more fit, let alone stronger than my boyfriend. We?ve already established that I can put up more weight than him on a couple lifts, and that was a month ago. Feminist though I may be, I still rather like the idea of having a big strong man around the house, it?s attractive. This brings me to my final dilemma, in that I?m not very attracted to his current flabby state. I spend a good portion of my days reading up on bodybuilding and fitness, and thus am bombarded by images of beautiful, fit men. When I was overweight myself, it wasn?t a big deal to me that the man in my life be cut at all. Now, well, I find myself longing for it.

That this difference between our devotion to fitness has persisted for so many months now, really bothers me. I?m starting to feel that he may not care how he appears to me, about impressing me, anymore. It?s that whole getting too comfortable thing maybe, which is part of what pushed me to pursue my own fitness goals in the first place. He used to be very athletic and fit before we met, so it?s not as if he doesn?t know how to take care of himself. The great sense of humor and the kindness still do it for me; the keg and the farmer tan does not.

I've tried to encourage him to come to the gym, and to eat better, but to no avail. He's spending more and more time playing video games and drinking various high-calorie/low-nutrition beverages, and hitting buffets for lunch at his job. I'm getting very frustrated, but I'm horified at the idea of bluntly telling him it's getting unatractive, when he never harassed me about my excess weight when I had it.

How do you ladies deal with this, if anyone?s in the same boat? What do you think? Any suggestions as to what to do when you take great care of yourself, and your boyfriend or spouse chooses not to?

[katyloyal]

Do you like to cook for him? Making healthy meals for him might be an idea. (you can just omit to him that they are healthy)

Maybe you could find other non-gym physical activities for the two of you to do. If he likes football, see if he wants to play catch. Coax him into going on walks with you. If you take errands together, purposely park far away and have him man the cart/hold the bags/etc...

If your long-term goal is to get him more motivated in the gym, try to convince him that you are at a plateau and need his help as a gym partner to get you past it. You could also incorporate gym visits into your daily activities. What I mean is, if you want to go to the store after the gym, tell him that he should come with you to the gym, so that the two of you can go straight to the store together and get things done quicker.

To add to that...sometimes just watching sports can motivate guys. Take him to baseball, hockey, soccer, football games or whatever sport(s) he may be into.

[gfundaro]

For a little while my boyfriend and I had some problems because I was spending SO much time in the gym, and he felt a bit neglected. He's not really into going to the gym, and he loves very rich foods. At first I was disappointed that he didn't want to join me in my 'transformation,' but I realized that he's just got different goals and we're different people. Accepting that and realizing that I was a bit neglectful has really helped us get along better; he supports me fully, so it's not like his not joining me is a sign that he doesn't like what I'm doing. And since I stopped bugging him about going to the gym, he's made his own decision to get in shape on his own terms. I don't really care how strong either of us is, and I find him attractive and will always find him attractive (unless he reaches over 300 lbs, we've already discussed that lol). Just keep in mind that you're two different people, and it's not really fair to compare his strength to yours; you may end up making him feel insecure, and that won't be healthy. If he doesn't want to work out with you, there's a good reason; he's not just doing it to spite you. If he's really unattractive to you, maybe it's time to rethink your relationship goals. Sometimes two people simply grow apart.

[clovely]

Originally Posted by josiethefiend

We?ve already established that I can put up more weight than him on a couple lifts, and that was a month ago.

Think this might have anything to do with him not wanting to go with you??

[josiethefiend]

Thanks for the replies so far ladies, I really do appreciate your thoughts.

I am the only one that cooks at home, and I do make healthy dishes. He just either doesn't eat them, or makes PB&J sandwiches to eat afterwards, or what have you. We're both only home for one meal during the workweek, so that doesn't have much clout.

As for trying to do more fitness things together, after riding my bike to and from work, and lifting, I don't really have a lot of room for too much else in the way of exercise. My workout times are pretty set, what with relying on my bike for transportation. I know it's not an issue of just spending time with him, as we have plenty of oportunities. He seems to be ignoring me in favor of video games more and more though, which is frustrating because I thought the opposet would happen as I got more and more physically attractive. *sigh* He's into cycling, and so am I, but I already ride to and from work, with lots of hills in between. Between this and lifting, I'm truly beat when I get home, and suggesting yet another bike ride is out of the question. I'm definitely trying the walks though.

And I didn't mean to imply that we had a contest to see who could lift more, or that I purposely tried to embarass him at the gym. I just finally succeeded in getting him to lift with me once (it was so nice to actually have a spotter!), and I ended up doing more than him on a few lifts. Even though I didn't say a damn thing about it and tried my best to downplay it, he for some reason had to point it out, and got very negative. He's mentioned it a couple times since when making self-depreciating jokes. I didn't mean to embarass him! I was just lifting what I normally lift. He hasn't come lifting with me since, and no amount of persuasion has convinced him that it would be more fun to come lift with me after work, rather than go straight home and play video games.

[goddessamazon]

Originally Posted by gfundaro

For a little while my boyfriend and I had some problems because I was spending SO much time in the gym, and he felt a bit neglected. He's not really into going to the gym, and he loves very rich foods. At first I was disappointed that he didn't want to join me in my 'transformation,' but I realized that he's just got different goals and we're different people. Accepting that and realizing that I was a bit neglectful has really helped us get along better; he supports me fully, so it's not like his not joining me is a sign that he doesn't like what I'm doing. And since I stopped bugging him about going to the gym, he's made his own decision to get in shape on his own terms. I don't really care how strong either of us is, and I find him attractive and will always find him attractive (unless he reaches over 300 lbs, we've already discussed that lol). Just keep in mind that you're two different people, and it's not really fair to compare his strength to yours; you may end up making him feel insecure, and that won't be healthy. If he doesn't want to work out with you, there's a good reason; he's not just doing it to spite you. If he's really unattractive to you, maybe it's time to rethink your relationship goals. Sometimes two people simply grow apart.

X 2

The above comment sums up what I wanted to say. If his outside is more important to you than his inside then dump him. If who he is as a person is more important than find a compromise so you both can be happy in the relationship.

[anandagirl]

Good luck with all this - I would definitely point out to him that he has the potential to increase the weight on his lifts dramatically in just a few weeks as his muscles get used tothe work, and the reason you can lift that much is because you have been working at it a long time. Maybe that will encourage him. Or you could set him up with a couple of sessions with a trainer (without you) so he can work out without comparing himself to you.

[gfundaro]

Originally Posted by josiethefiend

Thanks for the replies so far ladies, I really do appreciate your thoughts.

I am the only one that cooks at home, and I do make healthy dishes. He just either doesn't eat them, or makes PB&J sandwiches to eat afterwards, or what have you. We're both only home for one meal during the workweek, so that doesn't have much clout.

As for trying to do more fitness things together, after riding my bike to and from work, and lifting, I don't really have a lot of room for too much else in the way of exercise. My workout times are pretty set, what with relying on my bike for transportation. I know it's not an issue of just spending time with him, as we have plenty of oportunities. He seems to be ignoring me in favor of video games more and more though, which is frustrating because I thought the opposet would happen as I got more and more physically attractive. *sigh* He's into cycling, and so am I, but I already ride to and from work, with lots of hills in between. Between this and lifting, I'm truly beat when I get home, and suggesting yet another bike ride is out of the question. I'm definitely trying the walks though.

And I didn't mean to imply that we had a contest to see who could lift more, or that I purposely tried to embarass him at the gym. I just finally succeeded in getting him to lift with me once (it was so nice to actually have a spotter!), and I ended up doing more than him on a few lifts. Even though I didn't say a damn thing about it and tried my best to downplay it, he for some reason had to point it out, and got very negative. He's mentioned it a couple times since when making self-depreciating jokes. I didn't mean to embarass him! I was just lifting what I normally lift. He hasn't come lifting with me since, and no amount of persuasion has convinced him that it would be more fun to come lift with me after work, rather than go straight home and play video games.

Have you talked to him about the video games? I also had the same problem there, and it turned out that he involved himself in the games just as I had involved myself in lifting. Simply tell him that you want to spend more quality time together. It's important to spend time with your hobbies, because although they're different, they're both fulfilling and enjoyable. There's no reason for him to play less video games if you aren't going to spend less time in the gym; the games are equivalent to the gym. But no guy in a healthy relationship will choose games over shmoozing with his lady ;-) You may have to let him go to the gym on his own; men are just as self-conscious as we are, and don't want to be seen as weak in front of other gym-goers.

[Cherry]

My DH has put on about 30 - 40 lbs since we first started dating 10 years ago. To be fair, I put on about 35 after my son's birth and kept it for almost 5 years before getting in the gym. My husband never sweat me about the weight I gained, and got totally behind me when I decided to lose it, so I would feel like a real bitch if I started in on him.

I do talk to him about eating healthier, health concerns that I have for him, and about wanting him to slim down in order to give the kids a good outlook on health and weight, but not about 'looking better'. If he were so morbidly obese that I couldn't find interest in a physical relationship then I might press a bit harder, but for now I still find him attractive.

Of course, if we didn't have kids or other ties, I would probably look for someone whose interests and habits were more in line with mine now... but then again when we first started dating he was active in sports and I was the slug....

[azne]

now i know how my gf feels. she was soo fit and i was getting such a big stomach o.o before we started dating i was really athletic and fit but after we got really close and comfortable to each other that i thought that if she loves me like she says she does, my looks doesnt really matter. thats why ive been getting into bodybuilding lately and trying to transform my body so i can look good for her... i think that your bf is intimidated. just tell him how you feel. lots of guys would actually want to hear that from their partner and that gives them lots of motivation.

[jasonreece]

Figured I would drop my two cents.

My wife and I both have a membership to the gym. I go regularly and she goes rarely. We used to argue a lot when we went to the gym because I would want to do one thing and her another. We have finally agreed that I will have my own personal workout plan and same goes for her. As for getting him motivated to go, nothing works better than honesty. Well at least that is how my wife and I are. When we first met, she told me my abs were lazy. Yeah it killed me at the time, because I was pretty healthy and fit, just didn't have a six pack. But I sucked it up, and hit the gym harder. I know I still got some work to do, but I didn't take it to heart. Heck, we even joke about it nowadays.

I'm no where near a relationship counsler and I've only just begun on my personal training course, but I figured I could tell you what worked for us. Good luck.

Jason

[darkangel]

From the tone of both your posts, it sounds like you're pretty frustrated, you're growing further apart and, from what you've said, he doesn't seem willing to do anything about it.

If regular fitness activities, healthy eating, maintaing good physical shape and outward appearances are important to you, you want a life partner who can share those values with you - at least in part. You need to talk to him about these things and your sense that he's withdrawing further and further from you into his gaming. Common interests, shared fun activities, similar goals and frequent, honest communication are what makes up a healthy relationship. If you guys don't have these and he doesn't show signs of wanting to improve in these areas, then you'd be happier finding another partner.

My guy is overweight and was not into fitness or healthy eating when we met. I had to ask myself, "If he never changes, is this a deal breaker for me?" The answer was no. He's an awesome guy, we love each other and get along very well. I can't imagine being with anyone else. However, before we got engaged, I talked to him seriously about his weight, inactivity, fast food lifestyle and his family history of weight gain and diabetes. I told him I loved him, but was afraid we wouldn't have much of a future if he didn't start taking better care of himself. Because he knows I love him and am truly concerned, he agreed to start making an effort.

We've been married almost a year now. He tries to eat better, I cook for him, he makes better choices when we eat out. He goes to the gym with me a couple of times a week. He's not as dedicated as I am, doesn't work out as often, and probably never will, but he tries. And he supports and encourages me in my goals. This works fine for me. The best-looking guys with rock hard abs may also be very difficult to live with. You have to consider the total package and look at what type of person you want to share the rest of your life with. People change physically (get sick, get older, gain or lose weight, lose hair), but who they are in the inside - personality, values, compassion, sense of humor, ability to love and communicate - these things usually don't change.

[Defiant1]

I think the approach to take would be the "health" aspect, not the "appearance" aspect.

I always believe that peoples best qualities are also their worst qualities. There is likely something you like about him that is related to his cavalier attitude about training. It sounds like he is not very vain...which is a good thing, right?

Bodybuilding or body-shaping is really an individual taste. But the health aspect is something that everyone should be interested in to some degree, and it is much less "insulting".

[pitmommy]

Originally Posted by Defiant1

I think the approach to take would be the "health" aspect, not the "appearance" aspect.

I always believe that peoples best qualities are also their worst qualities. There is likely something you like about him that is related to his cavalier attitude about training. It sounds like he is not very vain...which is a good thing, right?

Bodybuilding or body-shaping is really an individual taste. But the health aspect is something that everyone should be interested in to some degree, and it is much less "insulting".

Excellent Post

[OnTheRoad]

I think at one time or another most couples have one that is fit and the other not and it alternates!

I had my fat times when my kids were born...for 3 years after each, and lots more times! My husband who was at that time swimming and going to the gym never once said anything - in fact still was very postive about my body!

Now I am motivated and he is not, he is still never been anything but 100% behind me.

I would like to think that if he gained a lot of weight or became lazy, I would do as he has done over the years and be positive and supportive whatever the life he is choosing for himself at that time!

[worldofwiz]

Originally Posted by josiethefiend

Over the last year, I?ve dropped about 25 pounds. I?m now even thinner than I was when my boyfriend of two years and I started dating. I?m much more fit than I was, that?s for sure, and I?m still progressing and loosing weight. My boyfriend, on the other hand, has not dropped his extra poundage. He lost a little weight at one point, but it looks like most of it is back on, as the more he moves the more he eats.

This is starting to get a bit rough for me. For one, I wish he would come lift with me, and things like that. It would be fun to have a partner in crime. Secondly, I?m not so hot on being more fit, let alone stronger than my boyfriend. We?ve already established that I can put up more weight than him on a couple lifts, and that was a month ago. Feminist though I may be, I still rather like the idea of having a big strong man around the house, it?s attractive. This brings me to my final dilemma, in that I?m not very attracted to his current flabby state. I spend a good portion of my days reading up on bodybuilding and fitness, and thus am bombarded by images of beautiful, fit men. When I was overweight myself, it wasn?t a big deal to me that the man in my life be cut at all. Now, well, I find myself longing for it.

That this difference between our devotion to fitness has persisted for so many months now, really bothers me. I?m starting to feel that he may not care how he appears to me, about impressing me, anymore. It?s that whole getting too comfortable thing maybe, which is part of what pushed me to pursue my own fitness goals in the first place. He used to be very athletic and fit before we met, so it?s not as if he doesn?t know how to take care of himself. The great sense of humor and the kindness still do it for me; the keg and the farmer tan does not.

I've tried to encourage him to come to the gym, and to eat better, but to no avail. He's spending more and more time playing video games and drinking various high-calorie/low-nutrition beverages, and hitting buffets for lunch at his job. I'm getting very frustrated, but I'm horified at the idea of bluntly telling him it's getting unatractive, when he never harassed me about my excess weight when I had it.

How do you ladies deal with this, if anyone?s in the same boat? What do you think? Any suggestions as to what to do when you take great care of yourself, and your boyfriend or spouse chooses not to?

you are to young to worry about a boyfriend.

[josiethefiend]

Originally Posted by worldofwiz

you are to young to worry about a boyfriend.

Wow, that's so not helpful.

Anyways, a HUGE thank you to everyone for all your advice. It has been very interesting to get everyone's perspective and it's been very helpful. I had a rough conversation with my boyfriend, wherein I talked to him about other problems I was having with the relationship, as well as my frustration that he was spending so much time with his computer, and that he seemed to no longer care at all about his appearance, getting way too comfortable. I expressed that I was sad that while I have learned about his hobbies and passions and gotten involved with them (I, too, love me some video games, but not four hours a day of them), while I'm completely on my own with my biggest passion right now, which is health and fitness. He said he didn't at all realize that's the way I saw things, he was just happily coasting along, head in the clouds, figuring it was just neat that he could completely let himself go.

The very next day he surprised me at the gym that evening, and has only missed lifting with me once (squat day, conveniently enough, heh). He has also started making small changes to his diet, and has expressed his embarassment that my stomach is nearly flat and his isn't. I think he vaguely was trying to pretend that he really wasn't as far from the level of fitness he used to have when he was rock climbing every day, as he really is. Now that he's trying to keep up with me in the gym, I think he has gained some desire to get back to where he was, which is awesome.

So far so good. But I am keeping in mind several of the bits of wisdom you all have left for me. I will be thinking of how I would feel if he does in the end decide he's not really interested in being fit, or if he decides to let himself go further in the future. I will think about how well it will work for me if I continue to get more and more deeply into fitness, and my boyfriend (or spouse, if it comes to that) isn't into it as well.

Thanks again guys. You really did help me think through a big pickle.

[jasonreece]

Glad to hear that everything is working out. It is always great to have one's partner also be their gym partner. After all, it's a great way to be able to make time with each other. Congrats on everything and I hope it continues to work out well for you.

Jason

[jwojo]

Just found this thread and was curious how things are working out...

I agree to approach him with your concerns about his health first and then his appearance second...but remember that sometimes there's just no substitute for a cold hard dose of reality...say what you have to say to him with love but say it honestly...I'm sure he'd come around after that.

[aheyer]

Iam too wondering how this turned out. I am having the same problem with my husband. He used to lift and now hates that I am becoming fit. He admitted it was jealousy, I can easily pack on muscle and he cannot. But visa versa I pack on fat too and he is very lean. I still refuses to lift or exercise with me. I also work w/o a spotter because his jealousy is so bad.

[BuffedWildCat]

Originally Posted by josiethefiend

Over the last year, I?ve dropped about 25 pounds. I?m now even thinner than I was when my boyfriend of two years and I started dating. I?m much more fit than I was, that?s for sure, and I?m still progressing and loosing weight. My boyfriend, on the other hand, has not dropped his extra poundage. He lost a little weight at one point, but it looks like most of it is back on, as the more he moves the more he eats.

This is starting to get a bit rough for me. For one, I wish he would come lift with me, and things like that. It would be fun to have a partner in crime. Secondly, I?m not so hot on being more fit, let alone stronger than my boyfriend. We?ve already established that I can put up more weight than him on a couple lifts, and that was a month ago. Feminist though I may be, I still rather like the idea of having a big strong man around the house, it?s attractive. This brings me to my final dilemma, in that I?m not very attracted to his current flabby state. I spend a good portion of my days reading up on bodybuilding and fitness, and thus am bombarded by images of beautiful, fit men. When I was overweight myself, it wasn?t a big deal to me that the man in my life be cut at all. Now, well, I find myself longing for it.

That this difference between our devotion to fitness has persisted for so many months now, really bothers me. I?m starting to feel that he may not care how he appears to me, about impressing me, anymore. It?s that whole getting too comfortable thing maybe, which is part of what pushed me to pursue my own fitness goals in the first place. He used to be very athletic and fit before we met, so it?s not as if he doesn?t know how to take care of himself. The great sense of humor and the kindness still do it for me; the keg and the farmer tan does not.

I've tried to encourage him to come to the gym, and to eat better, but to no avail. He's spending more and more time playing video games and drinking various high-calorie/low-nutrition beverages, and hitting buffets for lunch at his job. I'm getting very frustrated, but I'm horified at the idea of bluntly telling him it's getting unatractive, when he never harassed me about my excess weight when I had it.

How do you ladies deal with this, if anyone?s in the same boat? What do you think? Any suggestions as to what to do when you take great care of yourself, and your boyfriend or spouse chooses not to?

Honestly, and before I've even read any responses, this sounds EXACTLY how my first marriage ended up and we ended up getting a divorce. My first husband ended up RESENTING the fact that I was in better shape and the fact that most activities that I wanted to do was some sort of exercise, like a bike ride or inline skating down a nice path, etc. I tried to be as encouraging as possible but it just wasn't working. Perhaps things will work out differently for you but if he's not willing to change, then it would be my opinion that you two are no longer compatible. I feel the same way, I want my man to be stronger than me, I want to have the feeling that he can protect me. But yeah, same thing happened to me, no matter how much I encouraged my man to come to the gym and lift with me, he wouldn't, and he actually said he didn't want to get more muscle, if ya can believe that one!! Anyway, good luck!

[BuffedWildCat]

Also, I don't think it's fair for a partner in the relationship to just let him or herself "go" because he or she "already has you". Personally I want to make my hubby proud of me, proud to have me on his arm when we go out together!

[chevysmb305]

When I started lifting again and getting really involved with it, my wife asked why I was doing it. I told her I wanted to live a healthier lifestyle so I could be around for our kids. Now that I have been going to the gym 5 days a week for 4 months and she see's the results she is very supportive of me. I told her I wanted to compete and she told me to go for it, I could do anything I wanted. My kids are very supportive of me as well. For me, I don't care what my wife looks like, it's her personality and her love for me that keeps me going. If my wife decides she wants to go to the gym on her own terms then I will support her all the way. Either way, outside appearances don't mean anything to me. Of course, I like to see a very fit woman in the gym, because that just gives me more motivation to keep working out and moving towards my goals. When I see a guy in the gym who is more muscular than I am, I take a good look at him and tell myself I want to get where he is or even bigger and it makes me even more motivated than ever.

[hammergunz]

I have had a wife that was not keen on going to the gym. Notice I said had. I changed my lifestyle (for the better IMO) and she was content staying overweight. It began to get to her that I would get out of bed every morning and go to the gym--without fail. Rain or shine, whether she was working or not. She could not belive I would rather workout than stay in bed with her. I am not saying there weren't other problems but the lifting became the center focus. The more I worked out, the more she didn't like it. It escalated until she felt unwanted and decided to seek attention elsewhere. That ended that. Would I change it? No. I still go to the gym daily. I think I am better off with some one with the same love for the gym as I have. But just remember, it can become a sticking point for some.

[PinkSky]

Personal well-being, both physical and mental, is each partner's own responsibility. The other partner is there to support you in your choices. Once one starts to push (read 'nag') for change to occur, there's an imbalance in the relationship and that can result in resentment. People need to want to change from within.

My boyfriend's tales of his previous weight training was what partially got me interested in weights. I would love for him to pick it back up because it would be a hobby and interest we could share; it has nothing to do with how he looks (he's in shape.) But it's up to him to take the initiative. I do, however, talk about my interest a lot: clean eating, nutrition, sometimes my workouts. I cook healthily for us, and he loves the food, and he gets plenty of it (since portion size is his responsibility.) I don't talk about how much I lift because, well, I don't want his manliness to be hurt in any way

We are both gamers btw.

Last weekend I did suggest us joining gym together and working out together on the weekends and he was interested and that made me happy because it's something we could share! So we'll see how that goes (we only see each other on the weekends, I work out M,T,W,T,F he does cardio PT M,W,F.)

So my point is: do not push. If you can't stop and it's that important to you then re-evaluate your relationship.

[jmccarthey]

Wow, this one hits close to home....

My fiance doesn't work out at all...I added him on to my membership, but I think he's only seen the inside of the gym 4 times in the last year....haha! I realize that part of his lack of motivation is that he's on his feet all day, and is ususally pretty tired after work. He runs 3 family owned equipment rental businesses. He goes to work at 6am, so morning workouts don't interest him at all. When I do get him to go, he enjoys it.

On the other hand, I workout in the morning before going to work. We usually leave the house around the same time in the morning...he's off to work, and I'm off to the gym. I've told him that I'm more than willing to go again in the evenings if he wants to go. But by the time the evening rolls around, we're getting home at about the same time (6pm), and we're both hungry and tired (or we have evening plans).

I don't nag on him at all about it. I cook meals at home most of the time, and when I do, they're always very healthy. He really enjoys the healthy meals and has really gotten into cooking with me. He's really cute at the store.....he'll go grab ground turkey instead of ground beef, and then tell me, "I got this because it's healthier....right?" It's a big difference from his bachelor days... I will probably encourage him some more to go to the gym in the evenings (especially since it's winter time and dark at 4:30).

Overall, it really doesn't bother me that he doesn't have the same passion for the gym that I do. We do a lot of other activities together that are physical and fun. We enjoy hiking, bicycling, roller-blading, snowskiing, and wakeboarding (he was a pro wakeboarder for 10 years). Sometimes he'll comment that he should probably workout more often when we're doing outside stuff....and I always tell him to just let me know when he wants to go to they gym, and I'll be there with him.

Maybe if you guys find a few activities that you enjoy doing together, it can substitute some of the time that you'd like to see him in the gym.... And, maybe he'll realize that going to the gym would help him when he's doing some of those activities.....just a thought.

[darkangel]

Originally Posted by PinkSky

Personal well-being, both physical and mental, is each partner's own responsibility. The other partner is there to support you in your choices. Once one starts to push (read 'nag') for change to occur, there's an imbalance in the relationship and that can result in resentment. People need to want to change from within.

Well said. There's only so much one can do to motivate and encourage a loved one. For long-term change, it really has to come from within.

[beby24]

Originally Posted by darkangel

From the tone of both your posts, it sounds like you're pretty frustrated, you're growing further apart and, from what you've said, he doesn't seem willing to do anything about it.

If regular fitness activities, healthy eating, maintaing good physical shape and outward appearances are important to you, you want a life partner who can share those values with you - at least in part. You need to talk to him about these things and your sense that he's withdrawing further and further from you into his gaming. Common interests, shared fun activities, similar goals and frequent, honest communication are what makes up a healthy relationship. If you guys don't have these and he doesn't show signs of wanting to improve in these areas, then you'd be happier finding another partner.

My guy is overweight and was not into fitness or healthy eating when we met. I had to ask myself, "If he never changes, is this a deal breaker for me?" The answer was no. He's an awesome guy, we love each other and get along very well. I can't imagine being with anyone else. However, before we got engaged, I talked to him seriously about his weight, inactivity, fast food lifestyle and his family history of weight gain and diabetes. I told him I loved him, but was afraid we wouldn't have much of a future if he didn't start taking better care of himself. Because he knows I love him and am truly concerned, he agreed to start making an effort.

We've been married almost a year now. He tries to eat better, I cook for him, he makes better choices when we eat out. He goes to the gym with me a couple of times a week. He's not as dedicated as I am, doesn't work out as often, and probably never will, but he tries. And he supports and encourages me in my goals. This works fine for me. The best-looking guys with rock hard abs may also be very difficult to live with. You have to consider the total package and look at what type of person you want to share the rest of your life with. People change physically (get sick, get older, gain or lose weight, lose hair), but who they are in the inside - personality, values, compassion, sense of humor, ability to love and communicate - these things usually don't change.

Great Post!

I think this is going to be something you are going to talk to your companion about seriously. If you are having communication problems and you can't express your concerns to him due to fear of hurting his feelings then that is a problem already. It's not like you don't know that man by now.

I know this can be a hard thing to deal with. I am single and I know that when I have met guys in the past that don't understand what I like to do, its a conflict. They assume I have some type of obsession and that I need to just be happy with myself. They don't understand that this is what makes me happy and having someone to share that with would be great.

I know I never liked football before and I got into it because that was one of the things my ex partner loved, I mean we do it for them so they could do it for us. Maybe discuss it and find a little balance between both. It is not uncommon to move into new habits and re-evaluate things in relationships.

[1972girl]

When I meet my partner we were both over weight.Over the past years I have lost 50lb and became very fit and active and my partner has not.She went from 225 to 200 just from eating better but has no interest in the gym or any other kind working out. I do tell her I worrie about her health and try to get her to eat better but I dont push or tell her she needs to lose weight.To me she is still the same person I meet 8 years ago and I enjoy have my alone time just for me at the gym. I dont think its wrong for some one to want a partner that is fit and take the same road as them, but if the other person has no interest in it than a decision needs to be made. Either live and be happy with the way your partner is or move on.

[R8TDSXY]

Originally Posted by 1972girl

When I meet my partner we were both over weight.Over the past years I have lost 50lb and became very fit and active and my partner has not.She went from 225 to 200 just from eating better but has no interest in the gym or any other kind working out. I do tell her I worrie about her health and try to get her to eat better but I dont push or tell her she needs to lose weight.To me she is still the same person I meet 8 years ago and I enjoy have my alone time just for me at the gym. I dont think its wrong for some one to want a partner that is fit and take the same road as them, but if the other person has no interest in it than a decision needs to be made. Either live and be happy with the way your partner is or move on.

I'm in agreement, you can't make someone do what you want them to do and just because you chose working out doesn't mean that they are suppose to like the same thing. Although health wise it's an issue, you still found something one that love'd unconditionally in the beginning(and still) the outward appearance was what you were attracted to but it was the inner beauty that you fell in love with, right.