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  1. #1
    Registered User agentnikita's Avatar
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    Female losing fat/toning up

    Okaaay, so I have a tiny eating disorder. Which explains my body inflating and deflating like a balloon every few months. I'm not proud of it, and often hate myself for it but I am not ready to give up.

    I'm female, 36, 5' 3", and was at about 147 pounds at my heaviest. I've been a silent stalker on these boards probably since 2005 and I've received so much inspiration and encouragement from reading the forums. So I'm starting a weight-loss log to help me stay on track after a recent 3-day bingefest.

    I set my goal weight to about 110 pounds and this ALWAYS happens but once I get close to it, something sets me off and I start to eat and eat. There's definitely a lot of emotional reasons. Binging always redirects any anxiety I have about something and turns it inward so that I become numb to whatever is making me anxious. But sometimes my binging is triggered because I start consuming less and less in order to see the scale budge, and I'm pretty sure it's inevitable that the body starts screaming for more food.

    I was at about 116 pounds last week when I caved in and devoured everything in sight. At that point, I had also been eating like, 400 cal a day. STUPID I know but I just don't know how to stop freaking out over every calorie once I start getting closer to my goal. Anyway, I went from 116.5 to 132.8 in 3 days. Yep. And the thing is, I feel so pathetic cuz I feel like at my age, I should have a grip on this by now. The ONE good thing is that I've bounced back much sooner than I normally would have in the past. Usually, this would have led to a downward spiral lasting for months but I've taken some reassurance from the experiences of other people in this community.

    One thing I read on these boards that really helped me is that a life of fitness, discipline and health is worthy not cuz of the changes in physical appearance so much (I mean, I don't want to depend on other people's opinions to define my self-worth anyway) but rather the discipline required to maintain such a lifestyle is indicative of the determination of our minds followed by diligence and action. And that's a beautiful thing to me, in a world where many people exist in a state of inaction/reaction and complacency. Which is okay if that's their choice but oftentimes, there's a lot of regret involved.

    Also, someone wrote that a life of physical discipline doesn't have an end. It's a direction. I'm not sure why this resonates so much with me but it might explain why I feel instantly better knowing I'm on the right track again even though I'm far from my destination.

    I'll be posting pics next week. I am so irritated at myself cuz I was fitting into some of my cute clothes. I'm also a little nervous because I don't know how to eat out with friends yet and I have a few weekends planned out of town with family and friends. Oh and most of my friends don't eat healthy. I'm not sure how to NOT look neurotic while I'm out eating with them so oftentimes I just join em and dig in.
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  2. #2
    Registered User agentnikita's Avatar
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    Today I'm at 118.0.
    And I feel like I'm finally, finally, FINALLY, FINALLY!! learning to embrace flexible dieting.
    I'm still so scared of binging. Actually, I'm secretly terrified.

    I wrote my first post before I went on a trip to Minnesota to visit family. During my three days there, I went from 129 to 137. For a little 5' 3" body to gain that much weight so quickly, obviously my binges are pretty bad. I just ate and ate. And ate.

    I do know my body enough now to know that my body swells with water very easily. Especially because when I watch what I eat, I try to avoid too much carbs. But ever since I started dating, I've had very little control over food choices. Okay fine, I guess I COULDA ordered differently but seriously, what the heck is healthy at Tommy's Burgers? Seriously??

    But the great thing is seeing my weight go down and my clothes fit better even after losing control over food choices. I didn't realize how unnecessarily strict I was with my diet until now. It's so liberating knowing that I don't need to eat a specific way in order to lose weight. I've compensated my less-than-ideal food choices with just eating a little less of everything. So what I've done each time, is order the most indulging thing I'm craving and just eat less of it. And it's been working for me.

    The hardest thing though is that I'm still feeling like it's hard to let go of the all-or-nothing mentality. Especially when I'm by myself at home. Last night, I attacked a bag of brownies that my mom left on the counter (I'm pretty sure she does it on purpose) cuz nobody else touched that thing all week. And yes it was still good. And yes I felt guilt because I inhaled most of it and felt like I couldn't stop.

    But I'm proud because instead of hating myself, throwing in the towel and going out for more food, I hated the feeling of stuffedness instead and went for a walk. Not like it'd counter the calories. But I'm okay with that. I just kept telling myself what I read other posters write time and time again: "Don't fret about one night of busting a diet." It really helped so thank you guys and gals. It's funny cuz there's one guy who writes that constantly to encourage others and one day, he made a post freaking out about binging one night and ruining his progress for the week, and etc. And others quickly responded to remind him of his own mantra that one night isn't a big deal in the long run, calm down, etc. I loved seeing that.

    Ok so tonight, tomorrow, Thursday and Saturday I'm eating out with people again almost every meal and as far as I know, dessert was mentioned for each night. I'm a little scared but I'm determined to try a bit of everything. Cuz this past week, I ate cupcakes, gelato, baskin robbins ice cream cake, brownies, peppermint hot chocolate, McRib (which I'm counting as dessert), bailey's, more alcohol and STILL I lost weight. So I'm not as petrified as I'd normally be about this week's plans. I may not be good at filtering the content of enters my mouth but at least I know I'm good at controlling how much of it goes in.

    I love this website and its members so much.
    Last edited by agentnikita; 11-15-2011 at 10:23 AM.
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  3. #3
    Registered User agentnikita's Avatar
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    If I have another binge episode I'm going to cry. It's awful living with that fear, ugh.
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  4. #4
    Banned jarekd1234's Avatar
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    http://forum.bodybuilding.com/forumdisplay.php?f=13



    Take time to read the stickies, it might make things easier.
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  5. #5
    Blackmill Music 10/10 th3pwn3r's Avatar
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    You sound like you have a bad habit of going to extremes. I've been like that myself for a while. The best thing you can do is to be less strict, be more flexible and eat everything you enjoy in moderation. There are plenty of times that I just want to eat "clean" and keep eating "clean" but I force myself to eat "badly". It's either I do this or I'll make up for it when I stop cutting which would result in some pretty big gains in mass in a very short amount of time.
    "Everyone thinks they're on their way to single digit body fat as soon as they see a blurry four-pack in the right lighting.Your final body weight at 5-6% will be a lot less than what you think.Talk to me again when you get in contest shape." I'd be willing to say that 95% of people on this forum accomplish nothing in years, don't be one of those people. It's sad,they seem to have the knowledge many don't but can't utilize it.
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  6. #6
    Registered User Singe03's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by th3pwn3r View Post
    You sound like you have a bad habit of going to extremes. I've been like that myself for a while. The best thing you can do is to be less strict, be more flexible and eat everything you enjoy in moderation. There are plenty of times that I just want to eat "clean" and keep eating "clean" but I force myself to eat "badly". It's either I do this or I'll make up for it when I stop cutting which would result in some pretty big gains in mass in a very short amount of time.
    ^This guy gives a lot of good advice on the forum.^
    Now cutting: Got a little more squishy than I wanted, heading down to 160lbs and seeing how things look.

    5/24/13 176lbs
    5/31/13 174lbs
    6/06/13 172.5lbs
    6/14/13 172lbs (? :/)
    6/21/13 170.5lbs
    7/06/13 171 lbs (Gasp blew my diet at Dollywood, must give up and become couch potato).

    Qui audet adipiscitur
    Bis vivit qui bene vivit
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  7. #7
    Registered User agentnikita's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by th3pwn3r View Post
    You sound like you have a bad habit of going to extremes. I've been like that myself for a while. The best thing you can do is to be less strict, be more flexible and eat everything you enjoy in moderation. There are plenty of times that I just want to eat "clean" and keep eating "clean" but I force myself to eat "badly". It's either I do this or I'll make up for it when I stop cutting which would result in some pretty big gains in mass in a very short amount of time.
    I definitely am extreme when it comes to certain things. I'm gonna try to do that "forcing myself to eat 'badly'" thing. It actually sounds like something that might help me.

    Though it's not just a strict diet that'll trigger binges for me, it's also when I'm facing a lot of anxiety about something. I just, I guess it's like any addiction. Except with food, we don't seem to have a 12-step program or anything.

    And singe03 you're totally right! There are certain comments by specific members that I'll always stop to read carefully, and his has become one of those.
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  8. #8
    Registered User agentnikita's Avatar
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    Thank you jarek, I will definitely be sure to check out the stickies.
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  9. #9
    I SEA the warrior within Manuel73's Avatar
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    good luck in reaching your goal
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  10. #10
    Registered User agentnikita's Avatar
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    I thought I had it down. I've been eating with more flexibility and most of it wasn't by choice. Eating out with friends has forced me to adopt a more flexible-eating lifestyle. But for some reason, whenever I'm eating at home alone now, I tend to pig out.

    So last night I had a binge and I'm almost 3 pounds higher on the scale today than I was yesterday. I'm not gonna bother logging it though cuz I know it's mostly water but I'm annoyed at myself because this is the second time in two weeks that I've done this.

    The only good thing though is that this time, it feels like I took a water break while running a marathon. I feel ready to go back at it and I feel strangely refreshed (but still a bit upset at myself).

    How do former bingers completely get over the binging?? I just don't get it. I feel like I'll never conquer it.
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  11. #11
    Blackmill Music 10/10 th3pwn3r's Avatar
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    A lot of people will stop their binges when they get comfortably fat enough. It may be that your body doesn't want to stray from its set point.
    "Everyone thinks they're on their way to single digit body fat as soon as they see a blurry four-pack in the right lighting.Your final body weight at 5-6% will be a lot less than what you think.Talk to me again when you get in contest shape." I'd be willing to say that 95% of people on this forum accomplish nothing in years, don't be one of those people. It's sad,they seem to have the knowledge many don't but can't utilize it.
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  12. #12
    Registered User agentnikita's Avatar
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    I've had a few months where my food intake was very hard to control. I've been dating someone new and it's been awesome enjoying new activities and food together. As a result, I've slowly gained weight and today I'm at 130 pounds! He makes me feel beautiful and I haven't hated myself the way I normally do when I gain weight but I'm still uncomfortable with my body so...

    I'm going to have to get back on track and start watching what I eat and TRY to manage my portions. My goal is to lose 20 pounds. I'm not aiming for a perfect body cuz it ain't gonna happen. But I want my best body so that I can lose my self-consciousness about my physical appearance when I'm out and about. Also, i want to be able to keep up with my bf when we run around town and explore the world cuz he's super fit.

    And I think my goal is probably not comfortable for my body to maintain (as in, ya, I think it does have a set point) but I still want to attain my goal weight and change my lifestyle to try to hold a lower weight.

    My main goals to work on:
    Not letting the weight on the scale trigger a binge episode
    Allow myself to say yes to treats when people offer them (I'm surrounded by lots of love!) but don't let it derail my weight loss efforts
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  13. #13
    Broceptologist lunchboy's Avatar
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    I say force yourself to stay off the scale. You seem to be too focused on weight and not how you look in the mirror, which is really what tells you how you're doing. I say watch your cals, use the stickies here to get how many cals you need/maintenence and cut off 10% to 20%.

    http://forum.bodybuilding.com/showth...hp?t=121703981

    Then don't look at the scale, look at the mirror for progress.

    In addition for training I'd do something like starting strength to figure out how to lift properly/put a proper program together. Once that happens if you want to add some cardio on top that would probably work best. A well put together program will get the best results.
    Part of the not eating like a retard crew (NELARC).

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  14. #14
    Registered User agentnikita's Avatar
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    I've gotten comfortably fat but the binges haven't stopped lol.

    Ok so I've spent the last few months trying to lose weight but I'll end up binging every few days. I know that my all-or-nothing thinking is wreaking havoc on my mind. I've been following a few logs and it's helpful to read about other people's struggles too but it's also discouraging because it feels like this sort of issue will be a hopeless battle for me.

    But I don't wanna give up. I want to try something different this time around:

    1. Start slow. Before, I'd jump into a drastic diet and wouldn't be able to last more than a week.
    2. Stop checking the scale so frequently (thank you lunchboy).
    3. And force myself to occasionally "eat badly" per th3pwn3r's advice. This makes a lot of sense to me because I tend to want to binge once I tell myself I can't have something.

    I'm starting today at 135.2 and my goal is to weight 110 to run around water parks in a bathing suit more comfortably.

    Thank you, awesome community! My goal is to be strong, not skinny. But okay, ya, I wanna be skinny too.
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  15. #15
    Beast in Training RichDestiNY22's Avatar
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    Glad to see you're sticking to it. Seems like you have a good plan right now. Draw on the support of these forums and don't give up!
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  16. #16
    Registered User agentnikita's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by RichDestiNY22 View Post
    Glad to see you're sticking to it. Seems like you have a good plan right now. Draw on the support of these forums and don't give up!
    Thank you!! I'm so much wanting to lose fat quickly but what's giving me patience is remembering what someone advised: To trust the process and to enjoy the process. So even though my body will change slower than I'd like, I'm going to make sure I enjoy this process and dress cute even when I think I'm too pudgy for an outfit.
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  17. #17
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    Originally Posted by agentnikita View Post
    Thank you!! I'm so much wanting to lose fat quickly but what's giving me patience is remembering what someone advised: To trust the process and to enjoy the process. So even though my body will change slower than I'd like, I'm going to make sure I enjoy this process and dress cute even when I think I'm too pudgy for an outfit.
    Good advice there. Especially the part about enjoying the process. I used to work towards a set goal weight and have no plan for maintaining it, as if there was a number I could hit and not have to try anymore. Once I committed to enjoying the journey and not obsessing with the destination, I've been able to stay in control.

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  18. #18
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    Originally Posted by RichDestiNY22 View Post
    Good advice there. Especially the part about enjoying the process. I used to work towards a set goal weight and have no plan for maintaining it, as if there was a number I could hit and not have to try anymore. Once I committed to enjoying the journey and not obsessing with the destination, I've been able to stay in control.

    Wear what makes you feel good, girl!
    Thanks!! lol thank you

    I don't really enjoy the eating-less-of-what-I-like part. I've lived with binging for so long that I don't know how else to medicate myself when I'm experiencing extreme emotions.

    So anyway, my diet has been all over the place. I've eaten well most days but I've also had a few days of eating too much of crap. I have a hard time refusing people's cooking, especially my boyfriend's mother's offers of food. I accept because I don't want to be rude but also, she cooks AMAZING stuff. Then I'll feel like I blew my diet so I'll pick up junk food on the way home.

    I need to somehow manage this part of my life better. Though, I don't want to become the anti-social person I became the last time I lost a lot of weight. I really want to be able to do this while maintaining an active social life and enjoying food with friends and family. I really believe that eating together with people is an important part of bonding and communion but arg... I don't know how to do it while losing weight.

    With that said, I still lost weight because overall I did eat less and I lost some water weight; I feel less bloating in my body.

    Weekly weigh-in:

    03-31-12: 135.2
    04-10-12: 128.2
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  19. #19
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    If you had started slow like we suggested in 2011, you would have succeeded. But good to see your on track now.
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  20. #20
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    Originally Posted by Rickyscivic View Post
    If you had started slow like we suggested in 2011, you would have succeeded. But good to see your on track now.
    Thanks. I don't know if I'd have succeeded though if I started slow. I've realized that even though friends have always seen me as relaxed and chill, I've always had anxiety issues that I deal with through food. A lot of the binging I do is regardless of whether or not I'm on a cut. I've eaten within my caloric restrictions most of the days but I definitely ended up binging a few of the days within the last 2 weeks. So it's a relief that I'm still losing weight. I have a lot of anxiety and I tend to numb it with food so this has been hard for me.

    It's harder to be in a state of self-loathing though so I'm forcing myself to find other methods of coping or just dealing with the issues head-on.
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  21. #21
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    Weekly weigh-in:

    03-31-12: 135.2
    04-10-12: 128.2
    04-17-12: 123.0

    I've been eating under my caloric restrictions all week and definitely earned this week's weight loss but today I finally allowed myself a day of eating more freely. I spent the whole day eating out with my bf and it's hard to calculate calories ordering from hole-in-the-wall restaurants. Normally I'd binge after allowing myself to eat cupcakes and ice cream but today, I am okay with it (no feeling of guilt = no desire to binge); I'm forcing myself to adopt th3pwn3r's advice to allow myself to occasionally "eat badly" so that I won't end up binging.

    My goals this week:
    1. Keep at this and trust the process.
    2. I lost more than I expected this past week. I'm sure most of it is still from suddenly quitting a long period of binging. Also I always go through menstrual fluctuations during this time. SO I don't want to get discouraged if the scale doesn't change next week.
    3. Sign up for gym membership (scary!)

    Next week I'm supposed to go on vacation so I have to figure out how I'm going to monitor my caloric intake. It's really hard when someone else cooks for me and I can't figure out how much of what went into the food I'm eating.

    Anyways I'm happy with last week's progress and am excited for this next week!
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  22. #22
    Blackmill Music 10/10 th3pwn3r's Avatar
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    Things are going well in here, I haven't been around for a while but I'm starting to be glad I'm kind of back. It feels good reading about results(this is new to me).

    What I suggest is consuming something that's protein heavy and convenient(whey) before you have these 'mystery' meals where you have no clue how many calories are in them. Odds are pretty good that the protein before the actual meal will cause you to feel full that much faster and you'll avoid over-eating.
    "Everyone thinks they're on their way to single digit body fat as soon as they see a blurry four-pack in the right lighting.Your final body weight at 5-6% will be a lot less than what you think.Talk to me again when you get in contest shape." I'd be willing to say that 95% of people on this forum accomplish nothing in years, don't be one of those people. It's sad,they seem to have the knowledge many don't but can't utilize it.
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  23. #23
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    Originally Posted by th3pwn3r View Post
    Things are going well in here, I haven't been around for a while but I'm starting to be glad I'm kind of back. It feels good reading about results(this is new to me).

    What I suggest is consuming something that's protein heavy and convenient(whey) before you have these 'mystery' meals where you have no clue how many calories are in them. Odds are pretty good that the protein before the actual meal will cause you to feel full that much faster and you'll avoid over-eating.
    Your advice came too late lol!
    But I don't regret my week of indulgence. I ended up going to an all-inclusive resort and I had a great time eating and drinking to my heart's content.

    Honestly, I don't mind watching what I eat when I vacation but it affects the people I go with: It's a little bit of a downer to eat with someone who's monitoring every calorie and I've been on both sides of the fence so I understand both sentiments. I wanted my friends to enjoy their meals with me and for us to share in the enjoyment of that experience so I didn't fuss with caloric restrictions this past week. What's interesting though is that I didn't feel the need to binge at all until I came home and started planning my dieting again.

    It's back to cutting calories now though and working out. I didn't sign up for the gym like I planned but I did buy new workout clothes. Does that count?

    I kind of want to start cardio once I hit a plateau later on but I don't know that simply cutting calories is enough for now.

    Weekly weigh-in:

    03-31-12: 135.2
    04-10-12: 128.2
    04-17-12: 123.0
    04-24-12: 122.2
    ** Week of vacation at all-inclusive resort: Did not watch what I ate **
    05-01-12: ____ ... I don't even wanna check tomorrow ...
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  24. #24
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    Originally Posted by th3pwn3r View Post
    Things are going well in here, I haven't been around for a while but I'm starting to be glad I'm kind of back. It feels good reading about results(this is new to me).

    What I suggest is consuming something that's protein heavy and convenient(whey) before you have these 'mystery' meals where you have no clue how many calories are in them. Odds are pretty good that the protein before the actual meal will cause you to feel full that much faster and you'll avoid over-eating.
    Oh and welcome back! I actually noticed your absence and missed your comments around on the boards!
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  25. #25
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    Gah, I shouldn't have checked.

    Weekly weigh-in:

    03-31-12: 135.2
    04-10-12: 128.2
    04-17-12: 123.0
    04-24-12: 122.2
    ** Week of vacation at all-inclusive resort: Did not watch what I ate **
    05-01-12: 130.0


    This is after a high-carb binge yesterday. A co-worker offered me amazing chocolates from Hawaii. I couldn't say no. I just get so greedy when it comes to treats. I need to stop seeing them as presents. But I was also stressed and emotional after a fight with my bf and I just wanted to medicate. This started my day of binge.

    I'm obviously not past my binge episodes but over the past year, I'm noticing that I'm getting better at stopping it more quickly. Anyway I'm back on track and my diet goals for this week:

    1. Watch my calories, macros, etc
    2. Sign up for gym (didn't do last week)
    3. Prepare for restaurant meals and don't fuss over calories otherwise I'll feel stressed out by my lack of control over it. Fill up on protein!
    4. Post pics!
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  26. #26
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    I would suggest keeping a log of all the foods you eat and how many calories they are. I'm currently cutting and just realizing what some of the foods are and what they'll do to my end of the day calorie count really deters me from eating pointless cals.
    Also foods like a tuna sandwich melt or something that's very filling, high in protein, and not all too high in calories are good because it keeps you full. And as always try to eat "meals" and never snack. I'll eat 5-6 meals a day but I always think about what my meal is going to be and the calories/protein that goes with it.
    Best of luck to you!
    Trying to get shredded for summer. Here's my cut plan and progress journal. Feel free to comment or give advice. All constructive criticism welcome and could always use some motivation!
    http://forum.bodybuilding.com/showthread.php?t=144305391
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  27. #27
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    Originally Posted by berra2k View Post
    I would suggest keeping a log of all the foods you eat and how many calories they are. I'm currently cutting and just realizing what some of the foods are and what they'll do to my end of the day calorie count really deters me from eating pointless cals.
    Also foods like a tuna sandwich melt or something that's very filling, high in protein, and not all too high in calories are good because it keeps you full. And as always try to eat "meals" and never snack. I'll eat 5-6 meals a day but I always think about what my meal is going to be and the calories/protein that goes with it.
    Best of luck to you!
    Thank you. I really appreciate your advice. I read over and over again that macros do matter but I've always ignored it since I don't care about looking muscular. I don't even mind looking a little soft cuz I actually like being a little curvy. But I do know I looked really bad when I hit my goal weight -- I looked sickly. So, I'm gonna start focusing on the quality of my foods as well as eventually hit some weights.

    I'm also starting a food log today instead of just counting calories. Thank you.
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  28. #28
    Blackmill Music 10/10 th3pwn3r's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by agentnikita View Post
    Oh and welcome back! I actually noticed your absence and missed your comments around on the boards!
    Thanks, feels good to be missed

    As for the 130lb weigh in, don't sweat it, you're still better off now than when you started. Just think about what you want to accomplish from this point on and things should be fine.
    "Everyone thinks they're on their way to single digit body fat as soon as they see a blurry four-pack in the right lighting.Your final body weight at 5-6% will be a lot less than what you think.Talk to me again when you get in contest shape." I'd be willing to say that 95% of people on this forum accomplish nothing in years, don't be one of those people. It's sad,they seem to have the knowledge many don't but can't utilize it.
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  29. #29
    Registered User Drastiic's Avatar
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    If you're starting to log your foods, I would suggest myfitnesspal.com

    I've been using that one for about 5 weeks, and it's really easy since it stores the food you ate in the past. It also an iPhone app to scan in barcodes.
    May 1st - Aug 1st Weightloss Comp:

    May 1: 173.0 lbs | May 11: 172.6 lbs | May 18: 173.8 lbs |May 25: 172.2 lbs | Total: -4.2 lbs
    Jun 1: 169.6 lbs | Jun 8: 168.4 lbs | Jun 15: 166.6 lbs | Jun 22: 165.4 lbs | Jun 29: 165.8 lbs | Total: -5.0 lbs
    Jul 6: 164.6 lbs | Jul13: 163.8 lbs | Jul 20: 163.8 lbs | Jul 27: 159.8lbs | Total: -4.6 lbs
    Aug 1: 160.0 lbs

    Start Weight: 173.0 lbs | Finish Weight: 160.0 lbs | Lost: 13 lbs
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  30. #30
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    Originally Posted by Drastiic View Post
    If you're starting to log your foods, I would suggest myfitnesspal.com

    I've been using that one for about 5 weeks, and it's really easy since it stores the food you ate in the past. It also an iPhone app to scan in barcodes.
    Thank you for the tip!! I'll try it out! A few days a week I eat food cooked by other people so those will be the only hard meals to input for me. But last night I did well -- my boyfriend wanted to share nachos for a late-night snack and I'm proud I didn't let it turn into a face-stuffing contest. Yay!
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