Okaaay, so I have a tiny eating disorder. Which explains my body inflating and deflating like a balloon every few months. I'm not proud of it, and often hate myself for it but I am not ready to give up.
I'm female, 36, 5' 3", and was at about 147 pounds at my heaviest. I've been a silent stalker on these boards probably since 2005 and I've received so much inspiration and encouragement from reading the forums. So I'm starting a weight-loss log to help me stay on track after a recent 3-day bingefest.
I set my goal weight to about 110 pounds and this ALWAYS happens but once I get close to it, something sets me off and I start to eat and eat. There's definitely a lot of emotional reasons. Binging always redirects any anxiety I have about something and turns it inward so that I become numb to whatever is making me anxious. But sometimes my binging is triggered because I start consuming less and less in order to see the scale budge, and I'm pretty sure it's inevitable that the body starts screaming for more food.
I was at about 116 pounds last week when I caved in and devoured everything in sight. At that point, I had also been eating like, 400 cal a day. STUPID I know but I just don't know how to stop freaking out over every calorie once I start getting closer to my goal. Anyway, I went from 116.5 to 132.8 in 3 days. Yep. And the thing is, I feel so pathetic cuz I feel like at my age, I should have a grip on this by now. The ONE good thing is that I've bounced back much sooner than I normally would have in the past. Usually, this would have led to a downward spiral lasting for months but I've taken some reassurance from the experiences of other people in this community.
One thing I read on these boards that really helped me is that a life of fitness, discipline and health is worthy not cuz of the changes in physical appearance so much (I mean, I don't want to depend on other people's opinions to define my self-worth anyway) but rather the discipline required to maintain such a lifestyle is indicative of the determination of our minds followed by diligence and action. And that's a beautiful thing to me, in a world where many people exist in a state of inaction/reaction and complacency. Which is okay if that's their choice but oftentimes, there's a lot of regret involved.
Also, someone wrote that a life of physical discipline doesn't have an end. It's a direction. I'm not sure why this resonates so much with me but it might explain why I feel instantly better knowing I'm on the right track again even though I'm far from my destination.
I'll be posting pics next week. I am so irritated at myself cuz I was fitting into some of my cute clothes. I'm also a little nervous because I don't know how to eat out with friends yet and I have a few weekends planned out of town with family and friends. Oh and most of my friends don't eat healthy. I'm not sure how to NOT look neurotic while I'm out eating with them so oftentimes I just join em and dig in.
Thread: Female losing fat/toning up