Having An Eating Disorder

[h@rdc0re]

Ever since I started dieting and I lost all my weight I have been on low calorie diets with short periods of bulking and feeling great at like 2,500 then I would fall back into letting food control my life and everytime I slip ... I feel like I screwed things up already so I just binge and eat and I dont stop til I am soo full to the point where I am cramping up and I am on the brink of puking and when I feel a little less full I eat more and I do this til 12 at night. Its so unhealthy and I know it. Binging and then starving myself on a low calorie diet for days after ...

Like today I was feeling soo lightheaded at work cause I hadn't eaten very much. We only have fast food where I work and once a week I have a cheat meal ... which is ok and so I just bought a tri o plex high protein cookie(comes with 2) so I ate them and I just felt ... amazing! Like ... before that I thought I was gonna DIE literally ... but eating made me feel good. The exact same thing happened a few weeks ago, I was really hungry and I felt faint and I had a 12" sub, lol yeah thats real big ... but I was hungry And I felt soo good and the energy I had was AMAZING!

So I dunno, I hate doing this to my body. I just wanna be normal, and consistent you know? I dont wanna put my body through all these twists and turns all of the time cause eventually its gonna forget how to even lose weight cause one minute its starving then the next its bombarded with all this food. You know?

I DO wanna get in ripped tip top shape and maintain. Not too low bodyfat right now, I want more shape though and nicer hamstrings. Take a look at the photo. I wanna get my body in that type of shape, roughly 12% bodyfat. Athletic and fit. And I wanna know what I can do to achieve that and I wish I had a journal on here where I could post my diets and have ppl critique them everyday ... that kept me inspired and motivated cause I knew everyone would be seeing what I would be eating!

I mean ... I am TIRED of binging. An occasional blizzard or fast food should be fine, I shouldnt feel the need to go crazy ... you know. That cant be good for the body ... the way it makes me feel is horrible, I get horrible stomach pains and a lot of gas; not good!

I also hate eating low calorie diets, I mean unless I plan to compete in a month of so ... a 1,200 calorie diet might be needed. But thats different and I NEED my energy right now. And I am on my feet all day, I do a lot of running around and I work out 5 days a week. And when I eat enough calories I dont binge and I make such healthy choices. Today I had like 1,700 calories .... thats more than my usual 1,200 but I feel good right now and my food choices were great.

I just need some help and support, I need to get healthy ... you know? I can post my diet of today if you'd like to look over it :]


Ps. I just want to be healthy.

Would it be safe (and not get fat)
If I work out 5 days a week eating 2,000 clean foods per day ... 5-6 times a day ...

I usually feel content and energized at that amount of food spaces out throughout the day

Thank You

I just need some support and wanna hear from women who are going through it as well. Please dont tell me to seek help, I already have. It hasnt helped. :[

[terracotta]

I hope you are a member here http://fishyvb.something-fishy.org/

That is where you will find the most support.

[Silentredrose]

I know how you're feeling. I've been going through the same thing for the last couple of years...Infact, I had a great week of eating healthy and then today I decided to have a cheat day and I totally binged and over did it. I felt terrible. If you ever need to talk feel free to send me a message.

Thanks for that site Terracotta, it seems very informative and helpful.

[h@rdc0re]

Thank You :]

And its soo hard
Ps. I am gonna join that messageboard now

And I hope you get through it too, its awful ... it feels like every day is a challenge and the way it makes u feel after eating bad is soo unexplainable.

[Ashlae]

I;ve had an eating disorder for almost 8 years, and literally JUST overcame it a couple of months ago. PM me if you need to talk, I know it helps.. during most of my disorder I had no one to talk to, and sometimes I think if I could have just opened up and talked to someone about it, it would have made the world of difference.

Originally Posted by h@rdc0re

Thank You :]

And its soo hard
Ps. I am gonna join that messageboard now

And I hope you get through it too, its awful ... it feels like every day is a challenge and the way it makes u feel after eating bad is soo unexplainable.

[h@rdc0re]

Thank You soo much

For those of you who had eating disorders ...

How did u get over them ??? Do u look at food differently now

[nofxneeded]

Originally Posted by terracotta

I hope you are a member here http://fishyvb.something-fishy.org/

That is where you will find the most support.

That forum is so helpful. I had no idea other people felt exactly the same way! Thanks Terracotta

[imperfectly_lou]

I've been a member of Something Fishy since 2001 - it probably saved my life, among other things.

[Silentredrose]

Originally Posted by h@rdc0re

Thank You soo much

For those of you who had eating disorders ...

How did u get over them ??? Do u look at food differently now

It feels so good to not feel so alone over this.

As for overcoming my eating disorder..I can't say that I fully have. Skinny as a kid until hitting my preteens I became a little chubby. I was never really put down about my weight occasional comments here and there but in school it was just basically over my appearance..from age 6 I was picked on up until I was in 8th grade, when I then became homeschooled from all of the crap. (that's a lot of years of emotional abuse and scarring.) By age 12, I started my first diet by popping diet pills and exercising and cutting back on the "bad" foods. Lost some weight and felt a bit better by myself. Back in 2000 when I was 13 about to hit 14 I had my first mild case of anorexia I was only eating a little bit of fruit a day and then taking handfuls of laxatives. I ate something a little more one day (which really wasnt very much and freaked) I was then sent to a hospital for a week over my depression (since I've had since I was twelve.) and the mild case of an eating disorder. However, in this time I wasnt overly skinny, but did become only midly underweight. Through my teen years after that it kind of faltered and I ate what I wanted and didn't care and developed quite a few curves. haha. I mean I always made comments about how fat I was getting (still do.) and went on small diets on and off, but I wasn't over crazed with it.

Then in 2005 is when the sh*t hit the fan. It was the beginning of 2005 or so and in a couple of months I was going with some friends to a BIG event. and I wanted to look my best. So I started dieting and exercising. I was not eating very much. I lost quite a bit of weight. Everyone started telling me how great I looked! and I was thinking..."What? I didn't look good before?" Needless to say the disease caught hold of me and I didn't even know I was in it's grasps. I started losing more and more weight. (I won't give any numbers because it can be triggering to others with an E.D.) People were becoming worried about me almost to the point of tears because I was getting so bad. I wasn't eating very much at all and was just obsessed with the whole idea of losing more and more. I didn't care what people thought of me as long as I felt good about myself. People wanted to send me away, but they couldn't because I was of age. So I just kept falling more and more. Eventually I was getting so weak that I could hardly walk and I couldnt even literally lift my legs up. (imagine trying to put pants on when you can't lift your legs! and don't even imagine climbing stairs...:/) I was even falling to the ground and couldn't get back up, my own mother had to pick me up. Ah this is getting long so I'll hurry it along. (*laughs.) Anyway needless to say I was put into a reg. hospital in ICU for 3 weeks with a feeding tube that was surgically inserted into my heart. They told me it's good I finally asked for help when I did because if I hadn't I would have been dead in 2 weeks. I was then sent a special center for E.D.'s for 2 months. I came home with a whole new light and tried to do things the right way.

In 2006 I started relapsing and got down to a low weight again (however, not as low, but very close.) I did not want my a** back in the hospital again so I told myself to fight this damn disease. So it was around Halloween time and we had a big bowl of candy....I started cramming those damn bars in my mouth! (I have to mention I had not had ONE sweet in two years..so this was big.) I was eating everything like a maniac to the point of so much discomfort and sickness (I never threw up though, just couldnt move in pain. haha.) I just kept eating this way for about a month or so and got to a decent weight. However, since that faithful day and through this past year, I have been putting weight on and off. Either from starving myself or binging for a long period of times. It seems like I can't stop and that food rules my life and I wish it didnt. It's really hard sometimes. It's very hard to talk to anyone in this house because they don't understand why I have to be like this, do that, have things that way, etc. (though that can be the same with people here as well just trying to eat a healthy lifestyle..you know what works for you so you stick with it though it may not seem normal to others.) and it just puts a lot of stress on me all the time. I feel like crap when I binge, but for that moment when I am doing it through my guilt I feel a bit of freedom in my eating, until afterwards when I think about it. Then I feel good if I starve myself that I had some sort of control in my day..but I know that is no way to be either because my body feels so lost and hungry.

So I won't lie, I still battle everyday. Either starving myself or binging. Feeling my life is always being overcontrolled by food. But, I DO fight and I won't give up because I don't plan on falling again. I was always given advice by my mother who was often told this as a child by my great grandfather. "The mind is the most powerful thing." And honestly it really is and I use that everyday to get by.

Wow, I'm sorry this is so long. But, if it can make anyone with an E.D. past or present feel like they are not alone. Then it was worth it.

[MuscleMom]

Hardcore...just a big HUG for you! Remember, we are here for you...

[lillifter35]

Originally Posted by imperfectly_lou

I've been a member of Something Fishy since 2001 - it probably saved my life, among other things.

They certianly don't make it easy to join this site. They don't use common email addresses and when you try to email them it comes up as an error. Any suggestions. Thanx.

[h@rdc0re]

Originally Posted by MuscleMom

Hardcore...just a big HUG for you! Remember, we are here for you...

Thank You.

Ps. You look amazing!

I would kill to have a body like yours, you look so healthy and like you put a lot of work into your physique.

I mean ... I know I gotta eat a lot of food and lift HEAVY to get there.

Today I did pretty well

Im aiming for 2500 calories to put on some muscle and just stay active. I need to get my metabolism back up and running

[tanyab1976]

Hardcore-I can definitely relate to what you're saying, except I don't binge. Instead I don't EVER allow myself any cheats and as a result am very low for my height. ((Hugs)) to you and I hope that you get the help and support that you need!

[Beefcake Girl]

That website is very helpful I don't have an eating disorder but I do have personality traits that may predispose me for it (perfectionism for one!) I was encouraged to learn about eating disorders by my trainer just so I can avoid the pitfalls...being so entrenched in competing, it is easy to let the diet and strict regimine swallow you up. But I am determined to stay balanced so I try to learn all I can to help keep myself on an even keel. That website and forum are very informative

H@rdcore, you are not alone...it is unfortunately so common to have food issues...but we can get through them and there is support out there!

[moon girl]

I can also relate to what you're talking about, although I don't believe that I have an eating disorder. I've never starved myself, but the part about eating so much sh*t that you feel physically awful afterwards is definitely familiar.

What's helped me is to do some food planning. I only buy the foods I want to eat, plan out when and what I'll be eating, and cook ahead of time. I find that if I keep myself 'on a schedule' I'm much more likely to feed my body exactly what it needs. Knowing that my <whatever>-meal is coming up stops me from eating other things and from eating too much. Eating right (=clean and good amounts) becomes habit.

Good luck!

[polinutrigirl]

I never had an eating disorder per se, but I did have very unhealthy eating habits. I lost way too much weight at one point (down to 95lbs. at 5' 4") because I was eating too little for my metabolism and exercise habits. I've since put on 10lbs. in mostly muscle, through eating more and taking care in my weightlifting routine. I never binged and I've always eaten a healthy vegetarian diet (a little food-nazi-ish though), but I was not eating enough. But now that I've put on lean muscle, I feel great. I did this myself without seeking help because I came to sights like these and saw awe-inspiring pictures of healthy, fit women and I wanted to be like them, not a twig who is on her way to osteoporosis. You can do it, too.

[jlay]

Hi! I just wanted to let you know you are not alone. I will not go into my whole story bc it can get pretty long, but I was in a inpatient rehab facility for over 2 months. I am 100 times better than I was then, or than I ever thought I would be, but I must admit it is still very tough. I believe it is just like an alchoholic, you always will have an eating disorder, you just learn ways to cope with it. I am still very critical of my body & everything I eat. I am prepping for my 2nd figure competition right now. I have actually questioned whether or not it is a good idea though bc the extensive dieting has been hard. I actually had a big relapse & binged & purged when I was having one of my allowed cheat meals earlier on during my prep. This is what made me question competing. I wish I had some advice, but I don't. Just know you aren't alone. I know you said you have seeked help before & it did not help. It is not a magical fix, but it might be good for you to have a counselor/psychologist to talk to. Hang in there & you are in my prayers & thoughts.

[Dangerousd37]

The best thing to do before even thinking of getting ripped. Is to deal with the problems that created the disorder. I 've been there done that and you will just end up back into the vicious cycle again. Because the muscle won't be big enough, the food will either be too much or too little, etc.. Fix what's in your head and in your heart- then you will be really ready to start eating healthier and exercising the right way otherwise you will over do things in either extremes.... you will see a complete transformation.. it has to be an inside out approach not an outside to inside. If you need to chat- pm me--All the best of luck,
D

[chibikat]

Originally Posted by lillifter35

They certianly don't make it easy to join this site. They don't use common email addresses and when you try to email them it comes up as an error. Any suggestions. Thanx.

Try signing up for an email account at kittymail.com and use that (lame I know but it worked for me)

Thanks Terracotta for the site!

Hardcore, I can relate to what you're saying. I started losing weight unintentionally from eating little and dealing with the stress at school but when I saw the results, I became addicted to lowering the number on the scale intentionally. Being asian, I even felt greater pressure to fit in with all the teeny tiny asian girls. But then I hit a point where I couldn't lower my weight anymore despite eating only 900 calories a day. In fact, I started gaining weight eating that much and it freaked me out. So I contined lowering my intake to the point where I realized that if I lowered it anymore, I wouldn't be eating anything. After eating so strictly something just snapped in me and I started binging like crazy to the point where it hurt to move, all I wanted to do was sleep, and I felt like crap. I guess it got to the point that I felt so tired of counting calories, being wary of everything I ate, and constantly worrying about my body 24/7. This continued on for a few months and I gained back more weight then I started off at.
What really is the "ah-ha" point from preventing me from binging now is having a strong support. Every time I think I want to binge I think about whether or not I would be letting the people who support me around down. I also posted my goals and inspirational quotes in front of the fridge and around the house (my mom thinks I'm insane but the fact that I KNOW will be more fit if I PUT MY MIND TO IT motivates me even more). Also having a weekly planned out meal schedule helps keep me on track.

[simplymado]

Hi! I had an eating disorder for the last 6 years.. I'm just starting to get over it but it still hard for me... I'm better but realy fragile. First you have to understand about emotional eating... That help me a lot. Try to plan your meal and stick to it... but make sure you eat enough and healthy food.. And keep your cheat meal for good reason! Never got a cheat alone! Do it with friends and have fun!

If you want any of my tips or just talk! I'd be glad! It's so hard and I understand you completly. We shouldn't always thinking and struggling with food!

Good luck and I'm there with you
xxx

[hiccup]

I strongly recommend the forum We Bite Back (http://www.webiteback.com). The community is extremely supportive and has been a huge help to me. One of the best things is talking to the people who have really done it--those who have been able to stay off the wagon and are enjoying healthy, normal eating habits. It's also nice to be able to talk to others who are in the process of recovery. It's good to know that you're not alone, and it helps a lot to hear that the side effects you may experience are entirely normal (and why they happen, etc).

Good luck!