Serines progress journal

[serinebean]

Originally Posted by Megin

I would go for option 'A' ..
It is worth the commute - and the commute can even be BENEFICIAL for you
Books on Tape, Meditation, Time to call a friend, Time for yourself, etc ..

Just a thought

True...still need a job though.
The one I want to go to us almost 2 hrs.(in good traffic)
there is a bus-sounder that goes there though...could do reading and homework that way...

Seattle pacific univerity is a smidgen closer...and offers a BA in nutrition. As I found some universities don't even offer that option!! It's like it jumps a degree level. Makes no sense in my mind.

So...

[Miranda]

Originally Posted by serinebean

I choose to create happiness. I have and can....but its not natural for me to feel content and happy. I want to me more, feel more, do more. <----creates unrest.

fire.

Originally Posted by Serine

Nutrition is something I can think about every day and still love. I imagine it would not be work at all for me to work in that feild. Id love sports nutrition, help people with eating disorders, research...

are you positively sure about this?
or is it just another means to feed into an obsession?

[serinebean]

Originally Posted by Miranda

fire.



are you positively sure about this?
or is it just another means to feed into an obsession?

Passion and curiosity >= obsession??

When I look at my life, I try to find a way to make good use of my experiences. Not to say that experiences make me "smarter" but they do give me compassion and understanding. Even if only from my own perspective.
I think of all the times I could have used a voice of reason, of compassion when I was growing up. How alone it felt.
I don't know that I can change who I am, being that I have been aware/ashamed of my "larger" body ever since grade school. (tumbling class: I suddenly became aware that I was the chubby girl in that spandex. Even the, it held me back. I was more concerned with how I looked, then on performing.)
when I think about my mom- how she could have used someone. Someone giving solid advice and not a "staple in the ear" "eggs,cheese,&tomato diet".
Or when I first fell in love with the gym when I was 12. I wish I had known how to, how food worked, how wrong my friend was...

If I can help even a few people feel better about themselves, maybe it wasn't all for nothing? Maybe it was for nothing and it was just my genitic glitch...a statistic bound to happen.

My own personal obsession with food is very real. (I was looking at all my food journals...some from the age of 8! There are stacks. Eric had me toss a few...ugh..but I know he was right)
But I think it could be good. Harness that wasted effort.
However, I am genuinly curious about food. About it's chemical makeup, how it's processed in the body, how it can heal, how it holds so much
emotion...or how emotion gets tied to food.

Is that good enough?

[Buffycat3]

I think Yes!

[Miranda]

Originally Posted by serinebean

Passion and curiosity >= obsession??

fixation?

Originally Posted by Serine

When I look at my life, I try to find a way to make good use of my experiences. Not to say that experiences make me "smarter" but they do give me compassion and understanding. Even if only from my own perspective.
I think of all the times I could have used a voice of reason, of compassion when I was growing up. How alone it felt.
I don't know that I can change who I am, being that I have been aware/ashamed of my "larger" body ever since grade school. (tumbling class: I suddenly became aware that I was the chubby girl in that spandex. Even the, it held me back. I was more concerned with how I looked, then on performing.)
when I think about my mom- how she could have used someone. Someone giving solid advice and not a "staple in the ear" "eggs,cheese,&tomato diet".
Or when I first fell in love with the gym when I was 12. I wish I had known how to, how food worked, how wrong my friend was...

strong response.

Originally Posted by Serine

If I can help even a few people feel better about themselves, maybe it wasn't all for nothing?

people make themselves feel better. especially if they have eating disorders.

EDs are coping strategies, they have very little to do with nutrition.
fix the root, not the symptom

Originally Posted by Serine

My own personal obsession with food is very real.

yes. i feel that you're still struggling with the disorder, somewhere.
which is why i sound like a cranky old aunty waving a finger at you.

why would you want to feed into it by studying, learning and understanding, by a 10,000th of a milligram margin of error, what goes on in your body if you swallow 1,5 grams of X, Y or Z?

would it perhaps take the crazy away? maybe. but don't use it as an excuse.

try to create something with true depth and meaning to cope with emotional distress, whenever it hits you. food is food . . . it'll function the same way in your body regardless of how much energy you put into researching it.

Originally Posted by Serine

However, I am genuinly curious about food. About it's chemical makeup, how it's processed in the body, how it can heal, how it holds so much
emotion...or how emotion gets tied to food.

1 and 2 you learn in a nutrition class. 3 and 4 not. it is all in your head

[serinebean]

Why is it that when Tom hits, particularly the 2nd day, my lifts suck?!
I really feel lethargic. Got myself into the gym, knowing it would be worth it.
But it was lame in terms of strength.
My normal 50# db flat press was 30#! and it was hard!

Will go back tomorrow for legs and cardio. Will be thinking strong thoughts!

Ps. I wish my upstairs "friends" would plug it! They walk on their heels it seems!! And have a 15 month kid they let bonkers about till 2 am!! Which was the time I got up this am because I couldn't sleep !

[serinebean]

Got my book.
just have to finish "a wolf at the table".

Workouts have been consistant and with my best effort.
But still feeling weak and not really beating any prior lifts.
Hum.

TMJ has flaired and is giving me hell. It looks like the left side dislocates when I open my jaw. One way to diet

I will weigh in again this week and see how my diet has been doing.
I feel like I have gotten away from eating the exact same things at each meal.
I still struggle with my emotions. But I am able to sit with them now. Baby steps.


Edit: read some articles on cardio.
So I ask, is cardio at all good for fat loss?
Just been dragging. Like my whole body is tired, heavy.
Is it the weather?
It's just frustrating to feel so tired.

Apointment at school on wed to plan out things....nervous and excited!!

That's all for now.

[serinebean]

I need to talk.
Diet had been going great....and how many times have we heard this one???
Needless to say I "fell". Not a great deal. But enough to annoy me.
I lost to peanut m&ms on Halloween...( which I tried to let be ok with me..but it sat like a lump iny chest.)..and today...picked the nuts out of 4 kashi bars :/
confessions are not just that. I know there is something I need to correct in my thinking and behavior. Why can't I keep these things in my house? Why do I give in and eat them? And not really enjoy them...pick at them...alone. It's quite embarassing.
Now I know you may think this happens all the time...and this is why you remain "faaat". But if anything, I would "over eat" on fruit and oat bran...protein powder at unoptimal times. It's not realy over eating either..just eating more cals than weight loss would require.

Then I think I must be miscalculating my cals...nit moving enough...

But then why am I so damn tired?
I guess I feel angry...

It's not like I say "screw it" and binge the whole day...I just know that to see results I need to push a bit.

I need to relax.
I hate this city I am in. I hate the rude people.

Up to here people.


I am going to try and read some...or do some art. I have taken the day off from the gym.

Tomorrow will be better. I just need more positives in my life..positive people...positive thinking..

[Megin]

Originally Posted by serinebean

I need to talk.
Diet had been going great....and how many times have we heard this one???
Needless to say I "fell". Not a great deal. But enough to annoy me.
I lost to peanut m&ms on Halloween...( which I tried to let be ok with me..but it sat like a lump iny chest.)..and today...picked the nuts out of 4 kashi bars :/
confessions are not just that. I know there is something I need to correct in my thinking and behavior. Why can't I keep these things in my house? Why do I give in and eat them? And not really enjoy them...pick at them...alone. It's quite embarassing.
Now I know you may think this happens all the time...and this is why you remain "faaat". But if anything, I would "over eat" on fruit and oat bran...protein powder at unoptimal times. It's not realy over eating either..just eating more cals than weight loss would require.

All I have to offer is a simple: 'You are not alone in this'

[Miranda]

Originally Posted by serinebean

I need to talk.
Diet had been going great....and how many times have we heard this one???
Needless to say I "fell". Not a great deal. But enough to annoy me.
I lost to peanut m&ms on Halloween...( which I tried to let be ok with me..but it sat like a lump iny chest.)..and today...picked the nuts out of 4 kashi bars :/
confessions are not just that. I know there is something I need to correct in my thinking and behavior. Why can't I keep these things in my house? Why do I give in and eat them? And not really enjoy them...pick at them...alone. It's quite embarassing.
Now I know you may think this happens all the time...and this is why you remain "faaat". But if anything, I would "over eat" on fruit and oat bran...protein powder at unoptimal times. It's not realy over eating either..just eating more cals than weight loss would require.

Then I think I must be miscalculating my cals...nit moving enough...

But then why am I so damn tired?
I guess I feel angry...

It's not like I say "screw it" and binge the whole day...I just know that to see results I need to push a bit.

I need to relax.
I hate this city I am in. I hate the rude people.

Up to here people.


I am going to try and read some...or do some art. I have taken the day off from the gym.

Tomorrow will be better. I just need more positives in my life..positive people...positive thinking..

food is oral comfort; a distraction when you feel 'empty' and down.

not unlike a small baby that sucks on a pacifier.
toddlers suck their thumbs. adults suck on cigarettes or alcohol or food or each other.

it'd be easier to take up smoking methinks - many admit to the habit out of fear of fat. the damage cigarettes cause is invisible to the eye, to vanity.

the bloody vanity of not giving in to female-ness. the outside must be polished, smooth, unaltered, pure . . . for whom?

when did you learn to connect hunger to emotion? why did it happen? because you had no other emotions and having something, anything, to make you feel was better than nothing at all?

[serinebean]

Megs~ thanks for responding...kinda awkward when no one says anything.

Miranda~ I won't ever smoke again. I may be vain in some respects, but I respect my lungs more now these days. It's amazing the damage you won't do once you realize the potential it has to mess with your life, your well being.

Emotion to food?? Heck...my family lives for food. Food = love.
Or when you are picked on for being the fat kid in grade school...you learn very fast that food is bad, if you want to belong. You ever been the fat, ugly one Miranda? It's not fun. I guess I really want to be beautiful..you know?

I guess I admire will power, dicipline. Maybe I am idealizing things...

As far as emotions, I have pleanty, if not too much. I have no off switch.




Today I did a simple chest work out.
Tomorrow is a short day at work. My c
school advisor cancelled so I have to wait till next week.

[amj0883]

I wish I knew what to say.....I have been there before and its never easy...

Food is easy - food is instant satisfaction - food can be the answer to everything if we let it. I know you are stronger than that and I HATE seeing you beat yourself up over it...

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL - do not EVER doubt that...

[Miranda]

Originally Posted by serinebean

Emotion to food?? Heck...my family lives for food. Food = love.

interesting. i learned food was interference and annoying, because my mother would constantly cook and tell us to eat even if we weren't hungry.

food was irrelevant to me when i was a teenager. then i became ill and then i recovered (kinda) and now food is relatively irrelevant again. it does what it does. sometimes, it is very yummy, so i eat more

Originally Posted by serine

when you are picked on for being the fat kid in grade school...you learn very fast that food is bad, if you want to belong.

You ever been the fat, ugly one Miranda?

yup. i was a fat child and a fat prepubescent girl who wore glasses and had no friends.

and yes i was picked on about it. i'd yell and scratch them

i never made any connections with food though. dunno why. probably because i'd never had much friends anyway, nor understood the need for them. i didn't desperately want to 'belong'.

that had a lot to do with how things were at home - if you don't learn how to be social, then you don't become social.

it was only much much later things clicked in my head, in more ways than one.

blabla. the point to take home is that all of the above is something that has been reinforced through environment upon a poor, innocent being.

it is learned behaviour, learned attitude, learned guilt . . . it can be un-learned.

Originally Posted by serine

I admire will power, dicipline. Maybe I am idealizing things...

you use food as a tool to assess deeper psychological needs.

control over food intake, over hunger, means you're a strong person with a strong will.

there are other things to prove yourself through it's only you haven't found them yet.

[serinebean]

Mandy~ thank you. It seems worse than it is. There are worse terror in life than a bag of peanut m& ms.
I don't think food solves anything...no do I realize I use it to sooth, cope....I will pay attention.
Pretty much...I just wanted to be normal. And I was hungry...so I ate them. Which should be ok..except when you have a goal or plan and go off track that easy...well it irritates me
I really miss our chats. I know life gets in the way. But I thankyou for your words.

[serinebean]

Food was never irrelivant to me. My mom made sure I ate only cheerios, corn flakes, rice crispies, or oats for cereals. Apples in bottom drawer of fridge. Only a handful of chips.
Day care and the banana I wanted post lunch. I was warned by the teacher that if I ate it today I'd want it tomorrow too. Which is a horrible thing at age 6.
then there was guilt. Moms favorite tool. Stops me cold in my tracks...makes it hard to walk away.
There was guilt upon food. If I didn't eat it...if I didn't like it. If my friend poured sugar in my bowl of corn flakes out of spite...I was forced to eat it.

You sound like me as a kid. Good times. I used to fight too..
But then I learned that if I kept to myself...life was easier. But I did want to belong...to something. It's a really crappy feeling.
I think of all this life I have lived...how it's not how I want it to be. But you can't fix not being naturally social.

Un learn?? How? < serious. What do you do to change a thought pattern?

I can prove myself in other ways. In some ways I feel very accomplished. But it's that " I never got that goal I set out for "
what does this mean?
Am I untrainable? Stubborn? Blind!! Lol.

Thank you for sharing...it's interesting how we both reacted so different in similar situations. I also love your honesty.

[serinebean]

Oh yeah: did legs today.
Squats: leg press singles: ham curl singles: quad ext singles: hip machine.
No cardio. Still wondering if it's worth my time?
Thinking if 3x30 Mins a week will be enough.

School advisor cancelled on me. So next week it is. :/
possible uni in Tacoma, which would be perfect.

Exciting as watching paint dry....

[valby]

Hi Serine. I really hope the new degree is what you are looking for!

Have you ever spoken to anyone about your food issues?

[amj0883]

I am not sure that we will ever be normal....One thing that all of us women have in common is that we strive for more. This is a blessing and a huge curse...because although we may always have a stronger drive than others we can NEVER be happy with ourselves.

Example - hitting macros....its like a game. If you come in under you win - if you come in over you lose...as twisted as it is - that is how most of us think.

I love that you are thinking through your reasonings....you ladies are much more helpful (and cheaper) than any therapy group

Have a great night!

[serinebean]

Hit back after work today.
Short and to the point.
Wg lat pull downs: cable rows: under hand cable rows: db rows: back ext.

Val- lol. I have seen many people about my food problems. I think I am "resistant".?
Seems I can't follow good advice.

amj: it is a game. And I hate losing. you are right on many things...I glad you are here.

[kitebean]

mate, all you can do is choose your next action or reaction. that's the nub of it. everything else is kind of irrelevant

[Miranda]

did your mother intentionally want you to feel guilty?

if so - that guilt wasn't about you. it was about your mother.
how she tried to coerce her daughter into loving her.

or so. i'm no shrink.

sometimes, parents hurt their children even if they don't set out to do so.
they're only human

childhood environment mixed with how your own unique characteristics reacted to it formed who you are today. as a child, you were not aware of it fully.

as an adult, it is very difficult - if not impossible - to distinguish what is truly 'you' from who you were 'taught' to be. it is a mesh.

all you can do is forgive and attempt to move on.

[serinebean]

Escoxx sent me this freakish PM:
HEY SWEETIE HOW U DOING? AM ALEXIS NICE TO MEET U. U HAVE BEAUTIFUL ABS. HEY CAN U PLEASE POST UP A VIDEO CLIP OF U WORKING OUT THE ABS. U KNOW DOING CRUNCHES OR SITUPS. MAKE THE CLIP AT LEAST 5 MIN. LONG. MAKE SURE YOUR EXPOSING THE ABS. WEAR A SPORTS BRA. ALSO MAKE SURE ITS A GOOD CLOSE UP OF YOUR ABS. I WOULD LIKE TO SEE IN THE CLIP YOUR ABS DRENCHED IN SWEAT WHEN YOUR DOING THE CRUNCHES OR SITUPS. MAKE SURE THE SWEAT IS RUNNING DOWN THE SIDE OF YOUR OBLIQUES. ALSO I WOULD LIKE TO SEE YOUR BELLY BUTTON FILLED UP WITH SWEAT. I WOULD RECOMMEND U DO ALOT OF CARDIO BEFORE WORKING OUT THE ABS. IF THATS TOO HARD THEN U CAN JUST OIL THEM UP. AM SORRY I JUST HAVE A SWEATY SMELLY FEMALE AB FETISH. I GO TO MY GYM CALLED LA FITNESS JUST TO LOOK AT FEMALE SWEATY SMELLY ABS. I APPROACH THE ONES WITH THE ABS EXPOSED, WEARING A SPORTS BRA AND I TELL THEM " YOU HAVE BEAUTIFUL ABS, CAN I TOUCH THEM? " THE MAJORITY WILL LET ME TOUCH THEM BUT I ONLY GO FOR THE ONES THAT R REALLY DRENCHED IN SWEAT THE SMELLY. I START CARESSING THEIR ABS AND RUBBING THEM FOR A LONG TIME WHILE THEY R DOING THEIR CRUNCHES OR SITUPS. WHAT I REALLY WANT TO DO NEXT IS STICK MY NOSE IN A FEMALES BELLY BUTTON THAT IS FILLED UP WITH SWEAT AND JUST SMELL IT. IF WE WERE WORKING OUT AT THE SAME GYM WOULD U LET ME CARESS, RUB AND SMELL YOUR SWEATY ABS? WHEN I GO TO THE NIGHTCLUBS I ONLY DANCE WITH THE GIRLS THAT HAVE THEIR ABS EXPOSED. I GO BEHIND THEM AND CARESS, RUB, HOLD THEIR ABS ALL SWEATY OOHHH I LUV IT. SORRY. OKAY SO BACK TO THE CLIP, U CAN EITHER POST IT ON HERE OR YOU TUBE AND LET ME KNOW OR JUST GIVE ME THE LINK. OR EMAIL IT TO ME AT :

Ewwww

[kimm4]

Originally Posted by serinebean

Escoxx sent me this freakish PM:
HEY SWEETIE HOW U DOING? AM ALEXIS NICE TO MEET U. U HAVE BEAUTIFUL ABS. HEY CAN U PLEASE POST UP A VIDEO CLIP OF U WORKING OUT THE ABS. U KNOW DOING CRUNCHES OR SITUPS. MAKE THE CLIP AT LEAST 5 MIN. LONG. MAKE SURE YOUR EXPOSING THE ABS. WEAR A SPORTS BRA. ALSO MAKE SURE ITS A GOOD CLOSE UP OF YOUR ABS. I WOULD LIKE TO SEE IN THE CLIP YOUR ABS DRENCHED IN SWEAT WHEN YOUR DOING THE CRUNCHES OR SITUPS. MAKE SURE THE SWEAT IS RUNNING DOWN THE SIDE OF YOUR OBLIQUES. ALSO I WOULD LIKE TO SEE YOUR BELLY BUTTON FILLED UP WITH SWEAT. I WOULD RECOMMEND U DO ALOT OF CARDIO BEFORE WORKING OUT THE ABS. IF THATS TOO HARD THEN U CAN JUST OIL THEM UP. AM SORRY I JUST HAVE A SWEATY SMELLY FEMALE AB FETISH. I GO TO MY GYM CALLED LA FITNESS JUST TO LOOK AT FEMALE SWEATY SMELLY ABS. I APPROACH THE ONES WITH THE ABS EXPOSED, WEARING A SPORTS BRA AND I TELL THEM " YOU HAVE BEAUTIFUL ABS, CAN I TOUCH THEM? " THE MAJORITY WILL LET ME TOUCH THEM BUT I ONLY GO FOR THE ONES THAT R REALLY DRENCHED IN SWEAT THE SMELLY. I START CARESSING THEIR ABS AND RUBBING THEM FOR A LONG TIME WHILE THEY R DOING THEIR CRUNCHES OR SITUPS. WHAT I REALLY WANT TO DO NEXT IS STICK MY NOSE IN A FEMALES BELLY BUTTON THAT IS FILLED UP WITH SWEAT AND JUST SMELL IT. IF WE WERE WORKING OUT AT THE SAME GYM WOULD U LET ME CARESS, RUB AND SMELL YOUR SWEATY ABS? WHEN I GO TO THE NIGHTCLUBS I ONLY DANCE WITH THE GIRLS THAT HAVE THEIR ABS EXPOSED. I GO BEHIND THEM AND CARESS, RUB, HOLD THEIR ABS ALL SWEATY OOHHH I LUV IT. SORRY. OKAY SO BACK TO THE CLIP, U CAN EITHER POST IT ON HERE OR YOU TUBE AND LET ME KNOW OR JUST GIVE ME THE LINK. OR EMAIL IT TO ME AT :

Ewwww

I can't imagine any women giving a dude the ok to caress their abs during the middle of an ab workout...but that's just me...

So your clip should be done tonight? I'll be watching for it...

Haha...blahhhhhhh...

[kitebean]

heheheee sorry for laughing! i suppose a fetish is a fetish, aye? but i can kind of understand the sweaty/glistening abs thing,
but how does the smell bit work?? is it really any worse than a foot fetish though? hmmmmmmm

[serinebean]

It is pretty funny...still disturbing.
The whole smelling of sweat is gross to me. But some people drink urin for fun...

Oh this life and the people in it *shakes head*

should grease up Eric and video that for my "friend" lol.

[serinebean]

A little alanis for those who like her:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=44TRk...=youtube_gdata

did chest and back with Eric last night! Felt good.
Tonight is legs..his fave

all I need is 2 chem classes and I am set to transfer. Now for all the admissions/application stuff!
But I here there is more grants (federal) for BAs...so here goes.

[Mark1T]

Hey Sereenzee, that PM is disturbing, but not too gross. Just a thought, but if you have a food obsession, why not write about it, privately, and also write about your solutions of overcoming them, in a positive way. Then, in the near future you can use your experiences to help others. I mean, look at you. Aside from the sweaty abs (lol), and your challenges, you have overcome a lot. Not to mention, you are very attractive.

I am not sure what your major is going to be, but if it were me, and I were female and looked like you, I would do something in the nutritional field.

You can one day turn your obsessions and passions into $$$.

Food for thought

[serinebean]

We just friggin killed legs n shoulders!!!
My heart rate was pow!! <---felt dizzy and such in a good way!!

45s back on the squat bar
8 plates on the press...
80 bb oh press...
And so on...

Fantastic!

[valby]

Noice!! 80# OH

[kitebean]

Originally Posted by valby

Noice!! 80# OH

just reading that makes my eyes water! total awesomeness!