what goes wrong in a marriage?

[bustasinclair]

Originally Posted by Guff

I'm not a crybaby, I just refuse to squander my life in a situation that I'm not happy in.

If you aren't happy with your life, CHANGE IT.

My new motto right here!!

Thanks Guff!

[JolietKev]

Originally Posted by Guff

I guess it makes you feel good to give, so this concept fits you.

To me it seems backwards. Life is short. While it's good to make your spouse happy, the thought of ignoring what I want out of this life is horrible. No thank you.

"Marriage takes work"...what a load of crap. Why should it? If it's true love shouldn't the pieces just fall into place? I don't get the concept of MAKING a marriage work. If you aren't happy why torture yourself. Life is wayyyyy too fking short to MAKE yourself stay somewhere you don't want to be.

Maturity.

[Byakuya]

Originally Posted by JolietKev

I would say that my son gets in the way of our intimacy, however that is what happens when you have kids I guess. Try to make the best of it when you can. Unfortunately, when the time is their the energy is not. My wife works a lot of hours so she has gotten into the habit of having our son go to sleep in our bed. That causes problems as well. The "wedges" could be seen as problems or blessings in your relationship though. I would bet that 30 years from now you will be more proud of the children you have raised together rather than the "sex" you have missed out on. There is a happy medium somewhere.

oh I wouldn't trade our kids for anything.. but they are a strain on our marriage.. I suppose they are wedges and blessings..

[Guff]

Originally Posted by bustasinclair

My new motto right here!!

Thanks Guff!

I coined that phrase myself years ago Busta....it seems that sooooo many people sit and complain about their marriage. You've heard them..just sit and bitch about how miserable their spouse is. I tell them...move on!

I can't because...
kids
money
no where to go
blah blah blah

It's a simple concept, if you aren't happy...change it.

I refuse to live my life miserable.

[cozener]

How many times have you been married, Guff? Kids?

[Guff]

Originally Posted by cozener

How many times have you been married, Guff?

Twice.

First time I was unhappy for many years because I thought you were supposed to MAKE it work. Finally I realized that my life was going by a day at a time, so I changed it.

[Uber_Dad]

Surprised this didn't come up in three pages but I would say....picking the wrong person to marry.

I'm on my second marriage and luving it! Totally different experience than the first.

When I was dating, after the first marriage ended, I was amazed by the B.S. women would pull, ettc. to keep me involved. Yes I had at least five women I knew wanted to marry me, and they would do some crazy stuff.

Fast forward six years later and I am happily married and really surprised about, yes there are kids, yes we both work. No I didn't expect it whatsoever.

I'm not really sure if we have interests in common or not, crazy as that sounds, although I know we do listen to each others interests intently, hard to describe.

She does workout, and is interested in health, but her interest is definitely different than mine.

any how choose the right person and take it from there.

[namtrag]

I think you hit it on the head...I was in lust with my wife when we met 28 years ago, I knew she didn't like golf, sports, or exercising, but I married her because I was in love!

Not saying we should not have gotten married, but I should at least have considered the possible problems that not sharing any interests might bring

[MystiG]

Originally Posted by jedi786

hi im posting this in the over 35 b/c I want some serious answers.

when I think of marriage all i can think about is unlimited love, companionship, fun and sex. I dont understand why so many people are getting separated and divorced etc. someone mind educating me? thx

Anything can go wrong in a marriage... all distractions are potential prolems. Perhaps if we (society in general) actually involved ourselves in what we can do to make our relationships right as opposed to what is wrong with them we would do ourselves a much greater justice.

[KeepItMoving]

What goes wrong in a marriage? It would be easier to list what DOESN'T go wrong in a marriage. It's up to the couple to work through it and honor their commitment to each other. If they can't, they have failed, and they get divorced.

If anyone thinks a marriage is all wonderful, they should not get married. It is wonderful at times and at times it is not. Having children makes it harder to stay married and exponentially more important to work through the difficulties and stay married.

I have the utmost respect for those who have stayed married and found the wisdom and patience to work through the hard times to find mutual happiness in honoring their commitment to each other. Those who divorce are failures at that marriage. That's right, I said it...They are failures at the marriage they publically stated they would honor and commit to until death. Sure they may succeed at another one, but I say we should call failure a failure.

We have made the marital covenant too casual. JMHO.

[cozener]

KeepItMoving for the win...

[chodan9]

Of course marriage takes work, but thats not all it takes.
And if only one person is working at it it will probably fail.

I tend to agree with KimberleyRN, if a relationship is based upon what you can get out of it and not what you can add to it then problems may arise.
With that in mind we are all human and have desires, but one of the hallmarks of love is to at times want more for them than for yourself.

If you cant consider your partner at all then marriage is not for you

[Guff]

Originally Posted by KeepItMoving

That's right, I said it...They are failures at the marriage they publically stated they would honor and commit to until death. Sure they may succeed at another one, but I say we should call failure a failure.

We have made the marital covenant too casual. JMHO.

So folks should live a miserable life in the name of 'not failing'?

I do agree marriage is too casual. We should have firm rules about marriage, things like you can't get a license until you've lived together for 3 years. No common law stuff either. If at the end of 3 years you can chose to walk away.

[DeTazMan]

KeepIt,

I do feel like a failure. I was willing to keep going even with all the problems and am still not sure what I would do if she said she wanted to come back and see if we could work it out. It takes two to tango. If one doesnt want it, the other one is being futile.

[thomashenry]

Originally Posted by jedi786

hi im posting this in the over 35 b/c I want some serious answers.

when I think of marriage all i can think about is unlimited love, companionship, fun and sex. I dont understand why so many people are getting separated and divorced etc. someone mind educating me? thx

Interesting ! Unlimited love= Dog
Companionship= Dog
Fun & sex = you don`t have to get married for that unless of course you want to, then unlimited has strings, but it can still be fun, PEOPLE are looking for more & more and better all the time, like it is an end to a means, and we are never satisfied, there is always something better, & we want immediate gratification becasue we think were stuck,it`s hard Work, plain & simple, lots of comprimising and negotiating, feelings get hurt, the entire spectrum of emotions get challenged and played out ! it takes comittment, you take a solemn vow, for BETTER or WORSE-------How seriously you believe that, goes a long way in How successful your relationship is & what foundations you build your relationship on, if it`s perfection and material BS your doomed, the most perfect sex with a 24 nympho, Doomed,

I can only speak for myself, slightly over 3 years ago, I asked my wife for a divorce, her addiction to pharmeceuticals just wore me out and the destruction from that lifestyle was like a disease with no cure and all the crap that comes along with it, and I tried for a couple of years to do everything in my power to help/change/cope & deal with it, luckily all the kids were adults at the time , but is was still a cluster every single day, and finally after speaking to a close friend, my Bro in Law and Son, I said thats it , had the house sold, bank acct split, Apt rented, I was ready, finally, asked her for the divorce ! and then the Following day, she had a basal Ganglia Hemorrage "Stroke" a Massive one with a 10% survival rate, spent 16 days in ICU, on a ventilator and a coin toss for survival, and 12 in CCU and then another 20 in the hospital, 46 days total, I never left her side and never once though about the divorce, Prayed with her as well as with my Bro in Law, and son and rest of the family, went to see her everyday, morning and nite, Had to put her in a Nursing care facility for 40 days, I WOULD NOT PUT ANY HUMAN IN ONE OF THOSE PLACES EVER AGAIN !, she couldn`t talk, walk sahved her head and had 2 catherters in her brain , she learned to communicate with her thumb, had no control of her bodily functions total Paralysis on the right side "& still does", visited her every weekend 400 miles away in a Rehab Facility, left on Fri nite at 6 and arrived @ 3 in the Morning, left on Sun @ noon and back in town @ 8 and worked throughout the week and did it every weekend for 3 months in WINTER Novemeber to March, I live in Michigan and her Rehab was in Wisconsin
Interesting drives to say the least.

Anyway it was my CHOICE to stay with her, and still is, we laugh like fools, and cry like kids & fight like ALI & Frazier with out the fists and it`s ok TODAY, she has many difficulties and has overcome many obstacles, and I do everything I can to make her life easier, oh and we are still married, Have a house, she is only 48, We have 4 grandkids and she manages quite well, lots of rehab and lots of work most of us wouldn`t dream of, she talks like a combination of Elmer Fudd and Forrest Gump and we give her the BIZ all the time and she takes it and laughs, we still fight and still cry, but it is what it is------------- MY CHOICE, no one ever said it would be perfect, For better or worse, depends on your point of view

[jeffaus]

You go round this world once, so what is wrong with being selfish. Hell, everybody is selfish, its just that most dont want to admit it. I am not responsible for anybody elses happiness and dont hold anybody responsible for mine either. Yes you can be a part of someone elses happiness, but not responsible for it. To give someone else some pleasure or comfort is a great feeling, but not when it affects your own being. Some things are better left broken once they are broken. The key is : ENJOY YOUR LIFE and if you make someone else happy along the way, thats great, if you dont, then ENJOY YOUR LIFE.

[kimm4]

Originally Posted by Guff

So folks should live a miserable life in the name of 'not failing'?

I do agree marriage is too casual. We should have firm rules about marriage, things like you can't get a license until you've lived together for 3 years. No common law stuff either. If at the end of 3 years you can chose to walk away.

I agree with all of your posts, but I like the idea of common law. I think more people should do it and if things don't work then you move along. No divorce...no bull****...just go and don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.

[JolietKev]

Originally Posted by thomashenry

Interesting ! Unlimited love= Dog
Companionship= Dog
Fun & sex = you don`t have to get married for that unless of course you want to, then unlimited has strings, but it can still be fun, PEOPLE are looking for more & more and better all the time, like it is an end to a means, and we are never satisfied, there is always something better, & we want immediate gratification becasue we think were stuck,it`s hard Work, plain & simple, lots of comprimising and negotiating, feelings get hurt, the entire spectrum of emotions get challenged and played out ! it takes comittment, you take a solemn vow, for BETTER or WORSE-------How seriously you believe that, goes a long way in How successful your relationship is & what foundations you build your relationship on, if it`s perfection and material BS your doomed, the most perfect sex with a 24 nympho, Doomed,

I can only speak for myself, slightly over 3 years ago, I asked my wife for a divorce, her addiction to pharmeceuticals just wore me out and the destruction from that lifestyle was like a disease with no cure and all the crap that comes along with it, and I tried for a couple of years to do everything in my power to help/change/cope & deal with it, luckily all the kids were adults at the time , but is was still a cluster every single day, and finally after speaking to a close friend, my Bro in Law and Son, I said thats it , had the house sold, bank acct split, Apt rented, I was ready, finally, asked her for the divorce ! and then the Following day, she had a basal Ganglia Hemorrage "Stroke" a Massive one with a 10% survival rate, spent 16 days in ICU, on a ventilator and a coin toss for survival, and 12 in CCU and then another 20 in the hospital, 46 days total, I never left her side and never once though about the divorce, Prayed with her as well as with my Bro in Law, and son and rest of the family, went to see her everyday, morning and nite, Had to put her in a Nursing care facility for 40 days, I WOULD NOT PUT ANY HUMAN IN ONE OF THOSE PLACES EVER AGAIN !, she couldn`t talk, walk sahved her head and had 2 catherters in her brain , she learned to communicate with her thumb, had no control of her bodily functions total Paralysis on the right side "& still does", visited her every weekend 400 miles away in a Rehab Facility, left on Fri nite at 6 and arrived @ 3 in the Morning, left on Sun @ noon and back in town @ 8 and worked throughout the week and did it every weekend for 3 months in WINTER Novemeber to March, I live in Michigan and her Rehab was in Wisconsin
Interesting drives to say the least.

Anyway it was my CHOICE to stay with her, and still is, we laugh like fools, and cry like kids & fight like ALI & Frazier with out the fists and it`s ok TODAY, she has many difficulties and has overcome many obstacles, and I do everything I can to make her life easier, oh and we are still married, Have a house, she is only 48, We have 4 grandkids and she manages quite well, lots of rehab and lots of work most of us wouldn`t dream of, she talks like a combination of Elmer Fudd and Forrest Gump and we give her the BIZ all the time and she takes it and laughs, we still fight and still cry, but it is what it is------------- MY CHOICE, no one ever said it would be perfect, For better or worse, depends on your point of view

Thanks for your story.

[cozener]

Originally Posted by Guff

SI do agree marriage is too casual. We should have firm rules about marriage, things like you can't get a license until you've lived together for 3 years. No common law stuff either. If at the end of 3 years you can chose to walk away.

I would agree with that. I like the idea of a trial marriage. Sounds like a good way to make people really think about it before they do it. Of course, the more religious folks in the world might not dig it.

Originally Posted by DeTazMan

KeepIt,

I do feel like a failure. I was willing to keep going even with all the problems and am still not sure what I would do if she said she wanted to come back and see if we could work it out. It takes two to tango. If one doesnt want it, the other one is being futile.

I think thats being a little harsh with yourself. Failing at something does not mean you're a failure in general. And, to my mind, your failure was simply choosing the wrong person and it was likely a failure that couldn't have been avoided.

[GnomusMaximus]

I think I can pretty much put it plainly in two words...What goes wrong in a marriage?....THE WOMAN

[kimm4]

Originally Posted by gnomusmaximus

i think i can pretty much put it plainly in two words...what goes wrong in a marriage?....the woman

lol!

[thomashenry]

Originally Posted by JolietKev

Thanks for your story.

My Pleasure

[KeepItMoving]

Originally Posted by Guff

So folks should live a miserable life in the name of 'not failing'?

I do agree marriage is too casual. We should have firm rules about marriage, things like you can't get a license until you've lived together for 3 years. No common law stuff either. If at the end of 3 years you can chose to walk away.

Nahh, I don't think people should stay in a "miserable" marriage. But I do think the term miserable has been watered down by a society that has become increasingly self centered, lazy, narcissistic, and selfish.

I'm not here to be the be all end all to where the line is drawn, but I am here to stand up for Marriage. If you're gonna get married, STAY MARRIED. If you're gonna have kids after you're married, STAY EVEN MORE MARRIED!!!!! It ain't about YOU and your misery or happiness all the time.

Is there a place for divorce? Sure, but its place should be smaller and it should be clear that you go there only after you acknowledge that you have FAILED in your public commitment to stay married until death do you part. YES, FAILED...YOU BOTH HAVE FAILED yourselves, your marital commitment, your community, and your children!!

Sure, pick up the pieces, do all you can to raise those kids well, and move on. I'm just saying that we in our modern, supersmart society have lowered the bar too much and become too accepting of the divorce option.

I speak for the hard work and rewards of marriage and family, and I full well know this will rub some folks the wrong way. I have been married for 18 years. It's often hard work and it's very rewarding. I honestly work ever single day at trying to figure out how to be a great husband and father and how to keep my wife interested in being a great wife and mother. It matters...alot!

[namtrag]

I complain about her, but I am proud we just made it to 25th anniversary this summer.

I am not a quitter.

[JolietKev]

Originally Posted by namtrag

I complain about her, but I am proud we just made it to 25th anniversary this summer.

I am not a quitter.

You should be proud.

[*STEVE*]

Originally Posted by jedi786

when I think of marriage all i can think about is unlimited love, companionship, fun and sex.

Someone forgot to give my x that memo

[RebeccaG]

I think it's lack of communication. Both talking AND listening.

People fail to spell out their expectations before marriage and fail to really hear what their partners are saying they expect. Or they hear what the person is saying but think "Oh s/he doesn't really mean it like that" or "It won't really be that way, I can change him/her".

And then, after marriage, they fail to talk to each other cause s/he 'should know what I want/need/am thinking." Then there is major fall out when the other person isn't psychic.

I don't care what anyone says, relationships are work. ALL relationships. People aren't perfect, they mess up, they make mistakes, they disagree, they have problems, face issues, etc. The work part is how you deal with all that and move on.

I don't think marriage should be a constant struggle, but it ain't easy either.

[namtrag]

Originally Posted by jedi786
when I think of marriage all i can think about is unlimited love, companionship, fun and sex.

Originally Posted by *STEVE*

Someone forgot to give my x that memo

I got two of the four really well...the first two. Third one much of the time, fourth one...I am not familiar with that word, what does it mean again?

[Mulewhipper]

Originally Posted by thomashenry

Interesting ! Unlimited love= Dog
Companionship= Dog
Fun & sex = you don`t have to get married for that unless of course you want to, then unlimited has strings, but it can still be fun, PEOPLE are looking for more & more and better all the time, like it is an end to a means, and we are never satisfied, there is always something better, & we want immediate gratification becasue we think were stuck,it`s hard Work, plain & simple, lots of comprimising and negotiating, feelings get hurt, the entire spectrum of emotions get challenged and played out ! it takes comittment, you take a solemn vow, for BETTER or WORSE-------How seriously you believe that, goes a long way in How successful your relationship is & what foundations you build your relationship on, if it`s perfection and material BS your doomed, the most perfect sex with a 24 nympho, Doomed,

I can only speak for myself, slightly over 3 years ago, I asked my wife for a divorce, her addiction to pharmeceuticals just wore me out and the destruction from that lifestyle was like a disease with no cure and all the crap that comes along with it, and I tried for a couple of years to do everything in my power to help/change/cope & deal with it, luckily all the kids were adults at the time , but is was still a cluster every single day, and finally after speaking to a close friend, my Bro in Law and Son, I said thats it , had the house sold, bank acct split, Apt rented, I was ready, finally, asked her for the divorce ! and then the Following day, she had a basal Ganglia Hemorrage "Stroke" a Massive one with a 10% survival rate, spent 16 days in ICU, on a ventilator and a coin toss for survival, and 12 in CCU and then another 20 in the hospital, 46 days total, I never left her side and never once though about the divorce, Prayed with her as well as with my Bro in Law, and son and rest of the family, went to see her everyday, morning and nite, Had to put her in a Nursing care facility for 40 days, I WOULD NOT PUT ANY HUMAN IN ONE OF THOSE PLACES EVER AGAIN !, she couldn`t talk, walk sahved her head and had 2 catherters in her brain , she learned to communicate with her thumb, had no control of her bodily functions total Paralysis on the right side "& still does", visited her every weekend 400 miles away in a Rehab Facility, left on Fri nite at 6 and arrived @ 3 in the Morning, left on Sun @ noon and back in town @ 8 and worked throughout the week and did it every weekend for 3 months in WINTER Novemeber to March, I live in Michigan and her Rehab was in Wisconsin
Interesting drives to say the least.

Anyway it was my CHOICE to stay with her, and still is, we laugh like fools, and cry like kids & fight like ALI & Frazier with out the fists and it`s ok TODAY, she has many difficulties and has overcome many obstacles, and I do everything I can to make her life easier, oh and we are still married, Have a house, she is only 48, We have 4 grandkids and she manages quite well, lots of rehab and lots of work most of us wouldn`t dream of, she talks like a combination of Elmer Fudd and Forrest Gump and we give her the BIZ all the time and she takes it and laughs, we still fight and still cry, but it is what it is------------- MY CHOICE, no one ever said it would be perfect, For better or worse, depends on your point of view

Thanks for sharing this.

At times we are all unhappy about something in our lives, everyone for different reasons. In my own marriage, sometimes I feel like "what are we doing here?? Are we happy? Is it just a phase because of our age or what?". But then you read the story from the obove poster and you get to thinking about what you would do in that situation. I'd have to say, I would react much in the same manner. I love my wife dearly, with all of our problems and all of our imperfections, there isn't anything I wouldn't do for her.

[thebigguy1]

Originally Posted by thomashenry

Interesting ! Unlimited love= Dog
Companionship= Dog
Fun & sex = you don`t have to get married for that unless of course you want to, then unlimited has strings, but it can still be fun, PEOPLE are looking for more & more and better all the time, like it is an end to a means, and we are never satisfied, there is always something better, & we want immediate gratification becasue we think were stuck,it`s hard Work, plain & simple, lots of comprimising and negotiating, feelings get hurt, the entire spectrum of emotions get challenged and played out ! it takes comittment, you take a solemn vow, for BETTER or WORSE-------How seriously you believe that, goes a long way in How successful your relationship is & what foundations you build your relationship on, if it`s perfection and material BS your doomed, the most perfect sex with a 24 nympho, Doomed,

I can only speak for myself, slightly over 3 years ago, I asked my wife for a divorce, her addiction to pharmeceuticals just wore me out and the destruction from that lifestyle was like a disease with no cure and all the crap that comes along with it, and I tried for a couple of years to do everything in my power to help/change/cope & deal with it, luckily all the kids were adults at the time , but is was still a cluster every single day, and finally after speaking to a close friend, my Bro in Law and Son, I said thats it , had the house sold, bank acct split, Apt rented, I was ready, finally, asked her for the divorce ! and then the Following day, she had a basal Ganglia Hemorrage "Stroke" a Massive one with a 10% survival rate, spent 16 days in ICU, on a ventilator and a coin toss for survival, and 12 in CCU and then another 20 in the hospital, 46 days total, I never left her side and never once though about the divorce, Prayed with her as well as with my Bro in Law, and son and rest of the family, went to see her everyday, morning and nite, Had to put her in a Nursing care facility for 40 days, I WOULD NOT PUT ANY HUMAN IN ONE OF THOSE PLACES EVER AGAIN !, she couldn`t talk, walk sahved her head and had 2 catherters in her brain , she learned to communicate with her thumb, had no control of her bodily functions total Paralysis on the right side "& still does", visited her every weekend 400 miles away in a Rehab Facility, left on Fri nite at 6 and arrived @ 3 in the Morning, left on Sun @ noon and back in town @ 8 and worked throughout the week and did it every weekend for 3 months in WINTER Novemeber to March, I live in Michigan and her Rehab was in Wisconsin
Interesting drives to say the least.

Anyway it was my CHOICE to stay with her, and still is, we laugh like fools, and cry like kids & fight like ALI & Frazier with out the fists and it`s ok TODAY, she has many difficulties and has overcome many obstacles, and I do everything I can to make her life easier, oh and we are still married, Have a house, she is only 48, We have 4 grandkids and she manages quite well, lots of rehab and lots of work most of us wouldn`t dream of, she talks like a combination of Elmer Fudd and Forrest Gump and we give her the BIZ all the time and she takes it and laughs, we still fight and still cry, but it is what it is------------- MY CHOICE, no one ever said it would be perfect, For better or worse, depends on your point of view

After reading your story, I send you and your wife my prayers and all the positive vibes in the world. THIS is what it is all about, and a lot of people simply do not understand this. And when I read in a previous post about being "what's wrong with being selfish", I feel that is EXACTLY what is wrong with a lot of people in relationships and marriages today, let alone society. It is all about me, me, me....sickening. They don't want to do the work, they don't realize that it is hard work..there is the bitter and the sweet, and there are times when you DO throw up your handsand want to say "enough!". But, when all is said and done, you look for what is truly important, and how much you actually do love this person. It is NOT about sex, it is NOT about physical perfection and not about material things. It is about what is inside, and most importanly something I heard many years ago: Love is loving someone not when they are at their best, but when they are at their worst.....

Your story shows that it is so true.....and I thank you for sharing!

God bless,

Ron III---III