Desperate Husband

[mavro6000]

Originally Posted by 7rmr

I'm not a woman actually, I just saw your post under the New Posts button. But thanks anyways.

I am so sorry, but I really appreciate your experience, especially from a mens point of view also. Thank you a million times.

[soccersenior]

i havent' read every single reply, so i hope that i am not repeating anyone. how much do you help around the house? with dishes, cooking meals, changing diapers etc? i know you work (is she a stay at home mom?), even if she is...children are exhausting!!!!!!!! maybe part of the reason she doesn't want to work out is that she is already tired. doing the dishes or cooking a nice meal, cleaning up after supper for her. these little things will not only give her a rest, but can help her feel appreciated and cared for. that may help with boosting her self worth AND give her more energy to walk/work out/ or hell sex burns calories too


i don't have a child or husband, so i am not talking from personal experience, with the exception of these being the things that my mom wishes my dad would do (more often) .

[mavro6000]

Originally Posted by soccersenior

i havent' read every single reply, so i hope that i am not repeating anyone. how much do you help around the house? with dishes, cooking meals, changing diapers etc? i know you work (is she a stay at home mom?), even if she is...children are exhausting!!!!!!!! maybe part of the reason she doesn't want to work out is that she is already tired. doing the dishes or cooking a nice meal, cleaning up after supper for her. these little things will not only give her a rest, but can help her feel appreciated and cared for. that may help with boosting her self worth AND give her more energy to walk/work out/ or hell sex burns calories too


i don't have a child or husband, so i am not talking from personal experience, with the exception of these being the things that my mom wishes my dad would do (more often) .

Soccersenior, you make a VALID point in regards to the house keeping things. Fortunately we are living at her parents pool house and we eat at her parents which is about 30 yards away. Her mom is 55 and works out EVERYDAY. Her mom cooks healthy and is very ACTIVE person. I think that the problem her TRAMA of the gym. Of course, TRAMA for no reason, but is a way to justify herself. The cooking and cleaning is a none issue right now. Time is a none issue. The problem is lack of MOTIVATION and DESIRE to fit in bikini. I am being as honest as much. If the desire of fitting in a bikini was greater than the desire of food, there would be change. But is it not. I am trying to help raise that desire.

[IronOrchid]

Originally Posted by mavro6000

... now we have a baby and she is unable to keep up with him. Another reason why she gain so much weight was because our marriage was in a free fall and was about to end, but we were able to sort of fix it. She took her anger and depression on food. When she got pregnant she went up to 220 pounds with the baby and 1 year later today she weights 187 pounds.

... I am a gym fanatic and I love going to the gym. I go ever morning and I also 2 twice per week I play soccer. I live a very active lifestyle and I live on a pretty good diet.

...She eats alot of chocolate, drinks lots of coke (zero)...

Well, from now on YOU go grocery shopping, YOU do the healthy cooking for both of you, YOU take care of the baby full time. Also try making laundry and cleaning around the house. It might help.

Originally Posted by mavro6000

...and I know deep inside she wants to lose weight, ...

Absolutely fantastic! I mean literally.

[vandalgirl59]

Honestly? I'm glad everyone else here was nice and were patient enough to give you good advice, because when I see guys make posts like this it just makes my blood boil. I think you're being a total prick and she does NOT deserve it. You do not OWN your wife. Just because fitness is important to you, doesn't mean it's her thing. If she really wants it, she will do it herself. So I hope you're really taking these other people's advice...

Poor girl

[7rmr]

Originally Posted by ihave7tumors

pay strangers to call her fat or fatass...it'll work

Actually in this women's situation I am pretty sure it will actually make her eat more and want to exercise less.

[mavro6000]

Originally Posted by IronOrchid

Well, from now on YOU go grocery shopping, YOU do the healthy cooking for both of you, YOU take care of the baby full time. Also try making laundry and cleaning around the house. It might help.


Absolutely fantastic! I mean literally.

We are fortunate because we will at her moms guest/pool house and we do not really need to go grocery shopping or do the cooking. We just moved to Brazil about 2 months ago and we are trying to settle ourself. It was the wifes idea to move back to her moms house, I was against it, but she really wanted to be close to her mom/dad/brother.

[mavro6000]

Originally Posted by vandalgirl59

Honestly? I'm glad everyone else here was nice and were patient enough to give you good advice, because when I see guys make posts like this it just makes my blood boil. I think you're being a total prick and she does NOT deserve it. You do not OWN your wife. Just because fitness is important to you, doesn't mean it's her thing. If she really wants it, she will do it herself. So I hope you're really taking these other people's advice...

Poor girl

Thank you Vandalgirl, yesterday we had our first walk together so this is a good sign. I was reading your post, and was it easy to break the cycle and start working out? But the desire to have a fit body overcomes and desire not too?

[tweetythalia]

I think the first thing that you should do is make sure she knows that you love her very much and that you care more about her health and about spending the rest of your life with her than the numbers on the scale. Cook for her, go grocery shopping together and start with taking long walks with her, talk about her feelings, be supportive and respect her decisions about eating choices she will begin to understand that you love her for the kind of person she is, make her feel atractive and desirable, but never ever critique her figure. Do not push her to exercise the more you push the least she will be interested on it. Once she starts feeling loved she will be willing to try new things and soon she will realice that someone cares for her and she will put more effort on improving the way she looks. Just be patient with her, it is probably that she feels insecure and not attractive anymore. Good luck

Originally Posted by mavro6000

Ladies,
I need help. I got married about 5 years ago and my wife was 21 was weighing 155 pounds and she is 5'10. She lived a pretty active life but HATES going to the gym and exercising, but she would workout because she wanted to maintain a good body. Now about 5 years and one baby she weighs about 187 pounds. Now my wife is 26 and is completing out of shape. One of the reason why she put on so much weight is because it was the first time she left the house and had freedom to eat anything she wanted. Under her moms roof, her mom had some control on what she can eat, now we have a baby and she is unable to keep up with him. Another reason why she gain so much weight was because our marriage was in a free fall and was about to end, but we were able to sort of fix it. She took her anger and depression on food. When she got pregnant she went up to 220 pounds with the baby and 1 year later today she weights 187 pounds.

The reason for this post is because I need help to encourage her. I am a gym fanatic and I love going to the gym. I go ever morning and I also 2 twice per week I play soccer. I live a very active lifestyle and I live on a pretty good diet. I tried everything to motivate her. I tried bribing, I tried forcing, I tried settings goals, I tried everything that I could think off. I am against a wall because I do not know what else to do. She is 26 and her body is like a 40 year old. She is not obese but she eats alot. She eats alot of chocolate, drinks lots of coke (zero) and I know deep inside she wants to lose weight, but she is not willing to pay the price. Any advise would be greatly appreciate. Should I give up and live frustrated the rest of my life, because I am 27 years old myself and my goal is to run with my wife at least a 5k marathon. I know right now she is unable to run 2 blocks and I am willing to try anything. I am a man, and I do NOT UNDERSTAND the womans mind and I tried to understand it and I give up. Please help!!!!!!!!!

[fitopia]

Give her credit for going from 220 -> 187. That's an accomplishment. In time she'll lose the rest of the weight.

[valby]

Originally Posted by vandalgirl59

Honestly? I'm glad everyone else here was nice and were patient enough to give you good advice, because when I see guys make posts like this it just makes my blood boil. I think you're being a total prick and she does NOT deserve it. You do not OWN your wife. Just because fitness is important to you, doesn't mean it's her thing. If she really wants it, she will do it herself. So I hope you're really taking these other people's advice...

Poor girl

I agree. I am getting sick of these posts lately. Have you ever thought it is not all about you? I think you have bigger things to worry about than whether your wife looks good in a bikini if your marriage was on the rocks and you have a baby!

[mavro6000]

Originally Posted by tweetythalia

I think the first thing that you should do is make sure she knows that you love her very much and that you care more about her health and about spending the rest of your life with her than the numbers on the scale. Cook for her, go grocery shopping together and start with taking long walks with her, talk about her feelings, be supportive and respect her decisions about eating choices she will begin to understand that you love her for the kind of person she is, make her feel atractive and desirable, but never ever critique her figure. Do not push her to exercise the more you push the least she will be interested on it. Once she starts feeling loved she will be willing to try new things and soon she will realice that someone cares for her and she will put more effort on improving the way she looks. Just be patient with her, it is probably that she feels insecure and not attractive anymore. Good luck

Thank you Tweety, I haven't mentioned not once about her weight and I even started to help more around the house. Today was the first day in over 2 months she got up and went straight to the treadmill. I was impressed, she walk for about 30 minutes and burnt about 300 calories. I just hope that this is a breaking point to change her lifestyle.

[mavro6000]

Originally Posted by fitopia

Give her credit for going from 220 -> 187. That's an accomplishment. In time she'll lose the rest of the weight.

This is a great accomplishment, but she been at the 187 for like 6 months now. I think that she has been showing areas of improvement. The problem that she has is that she is NOT CONSISTENT. She does not have the drive to start something then finish it. I never saw in 5 years start a goal and actually follow through with it until the end. But, I guess that everyone is different and like I posted that she walked this morning which is GREAT NEWS!!!!!

[mavro6000]

Originally Posted by valby

I agree. I am getting sick of these posts lately. Have you ever thought it is not all about you? I think you have bigger things to worry about than whether your wife looks good in a bikini if your marriage was on the rocks and you have a baby!

Valby, I totally agree with you, but my wife has the desire to change, which is a start. I am just trying to motivate her so that she will continue. For the first time in my life I am trying to understand the mind of a woman.

[Mrs-gsxr]

Originally Posted by mavro6000

First I wanted to thank you for your reply. I am going to do the best so that I could respond. You mentioned if we do anything fun. The answer is "no". We never walk the dog or do we go outside for walks. We never walk together with the baby and the stroller. The thing is I am very active and I HATE to walk. Walking for me is to boring. But I guess I am going to bite the bullet.

How would I like to be approached? I would like someone to pick me up and say, "Nick, we are going to the gym"!!!!! I have a very strong willed mom at home, so freedom wasn't really an option. So I would like basically someone to kick my butt.

I am not SUPER fit, but I am able to hand with the boys at P90X. So, I would say that I have alot of endurance and I am getting ready for the summer in a few months. I live way south of the equator so we are in opposite poles. Right now is winter and its kind of cold.

By no means I do not think she is intimated by me. She has a lot of self pride. She is a beautiful person and even being over weight guys still try to pick her up. This is the problem, because she says even being over weight there are men that try to pick her up.

I haven't compliment her the way she looks in a long time. I am a very transparent person, and it is hard for me to say it when I cannot truly mean it.

Wow , I gotta quick way for her loose alot of weight . She needs to shed all the post husband weight.. You are all about you and she already knows that .Your wife that is .Your wife is probobly just screaming for attention... Having a baby , having no time for herself , physically or emotionally and a husband who only cares about himself ....WOW !!!!! no wonder she eats crap food.

[amd1976]

Eh, I know her situation all too well. Combine a baby, PPD, new marriage, money problems, difficulties nursing and staying at home and you got me - a depressed mom. It took almost 4 years for me to snap out of it, and by that time I weighed 295 pounds.

I knew my weight was out of control, I knew I was unhappy, I knew something needed to be done - but I didn't know I was depressed, didn't know what was wrong. I needed empathy and me time. I really didn't receive either. Eventually it happened for me, because I was ready. No amount of comments or gentle pushes could get me to start until I was ready, they'd only serve to make me despair more.

Read up on PPD, see if there are gentler more effective ways to offer your support. A big help, as already mentioned, is to offer ample 'me' time for her without expectations on what she'll do with that time. It's great you care, my suggestion would by to try focusing less on the physical aspects and more on her overall happiness and mental health.

It's rough, best of luck.

[mavro6000]

Originally Posted by Mrs-gsxr

Wow , I gotta quick way for her loose alot of weight . She needs to shed all the post husband weight.. You are all about you and she already knows that .Your wife that is .Your wife is probobly just screaming for attention... Having a baby , having no time for herself , physically or emotionally and a husband who only cares about himself ....WOW !!!!! no wonder she eats crap food.

I like that post, it makes me laugh. You found what makes you go to the gym. I love going to the gym. Something in your mind went off that made you go to the gym. I am looking for that.

[mavro6000]

Originally Posted by amd1976

Eh, I know her situation all too well. Combine a baby, PPD, new marriage, money problems, difficulties nursing and staying at home and you got me - a depressed mom. It took almost 4 years for me to snap out of it, and by that time I weighed 295 pounds.

I knew my weight was out of control, I knew I was unhappy, I knew something needed to be done - but I didn't know I was depressed, didn't know what was wrong. I needed empathy and me time. I really didn't receive either. Eventually it happened for me, because I was ready. No amount of comments or gentle pushes could get me to start until I was ready, they'd only serve to make me despair more.

Read up on PPD, see if there are gentler more effective ways to offer your support. A big help, as already mentioned, is to offer ample 'me' time for her without expectations on what she'll do with that time. It's great you care, my suggestion would by to try focusing less on the physical aspects and more on her overall happiness and mental health.

It's rough, best of luck.

Of all the post, I liked yours alot. The reason being, I was looking at your profile and you know the cost of change. Going from 295 to less than 180 requires alot of work and dedication. This is what I am looking for. I am looking for the switch to go of on my wifes mind.

[cozener]

Hey I have kind of a similar problem...but I don't say a word to her about it. She's hard enough on herself without my chiming in. She's addicted to Diet Coke. Thats bad enough. But she also likes to stay up late. Not so good for weight loss. All I can really do to help her is to make sure she has the time away from the kids to get in some exercise. If she doesn't mention taking a walk when I get home from work I ask her if she plans to but try to make it sound like I'm asking for my own scheduling purposes as opposed to using a tone that implies, "Are you going to get your fat ass off that couch and go walk?" Actually, I think she's hot with or without the fat. Sure, she looks "better" thin but I'm mainly concerned for her health...that big hot jiggly booty not withstanding.

[mavro6000]

Originally Posted by cozener

Hey I have kind of a similar problem...but I don't say a word to her about it. She's hard enough on herself without my chiming in. She's addicted to Diet Coke. Thats bad enough. But she also likes to stay up late. Not so good for weight loss. All I can really do to help her is to make sure she has the time away from the kids to get in some exercise. If she doesn't mention taking a walk when I get home from work I ask her if she plans to but try to make it sound like I'm asking for my own scheduling purposes as opposed to using a tone that implies, "Are you going to get your fat ass off that couch and go walk?" Actually, I think she's hot with or without the fat. Sure, she looks "better" thin but I'm mainly concerned for her health...that big hot jiggly booty not withstanding.

I can totally relate to you. Thank you. I been using the subtle techniques and I guess its been paying off.

[Mrs-gsxr]

Originally Posted by Mrs-gsxr

Wow , I gotta quick way for her loose alot of weight . She needs to shed all the post husband weight.. You are all about you and she already knows that .Your wife that is .Your wife is probobly just screaming for attention... Having a baby , having no time for herself , physically or emotionally and a husband who only cares about himself ....WOW !!!!! no wonder she eats crap food.

I think your wife needs to take another look at these men that like her the way she is and another at the one who's just settling until he gets her to look the way HE WANTS her too......Cuz it would be too hard for you to do something fun that would envolve the whole family...I hope your child doesn't ever become over weight . What will you do then ?You may at some time have to become involved in your families health and start doing things together that are good for the whole family. If YOU find your family is worth it ..

[broscience_wiki]

im sorry to come in here and sound like a dick
so please dont misinterpret what im gonna say

as a man, you are in charge of what happens.
you need to take ownership of the situation.

if your fat wife wont stop stuffing her face by her own, if you love her you have to force her to for her own good.

obviously she is a woman, so in her mind its always going to be about her, and her feelings, and appearances etc. but dont let her accusations or insecurities let you forget that you are only concerned with her health because you love her.

a womans life is much harder when she is at the bottom of the scale. deep down she knows most people find her ugly and that she is not sexually attractive to most guys.

she has no options but to stick her head in the sand so she can ignore her own problems. anyone and anything that reminds her of her own inner demons will not just get told off for being rude, but all her bottled up resentment will be blasted at you.

deep down she knows she WANTS to be skinny, why else drink coke zero... etc... its like the easiest way of saying 'i want to lose weight, but i dont want to put any effort in'

you have 2 choices: either make sure you dont get in the way of her lame fatass in denial feelings, by siding with her and treating her like a child (which i think is v disrespectful to her) or just stand strong in the face of it and MAKE her do it, knowing she will thank you one day and it IS WHAT SHE WANTS she just needs a foot up her ass.

i know some women here are going to disagree, but they have made their journey. they have reached that low point and picked themselves up. some people CANT pick themselves up, they just cant. be there for her as a man of strength

[mavro6000]

Originally Posted by Mrs-gsxr

I think your wife needs to take another look at these men that like her the way she is and another at the one who's just settling until he gets her to look the way HE WANTS her too......Cuz it would be too hard for you to do something fun that would envolve the whole family...I hope your child doesn't ever become over weight . What will you do then ?You may at some time have to become involved in your families health and start doing things together that are good for the whole family. If YOU find your family is worth it ..

I totally agree with you in regards that we are suppose to love our spouse unconditionally. I would also add to that if my spouse knows that I feel with someone that was super active and now because the person got married, they changed then we have problems. In regards to my son, I think we as parents have ways to controls our kids diets. For example, I am against children drinking soft drinks and hopefully not ever eating at McDonalds.

[cozener]

Originally Posted by broscience_wiki

im sorry to come in here and sound like a dick
so please dont misinterpret what im gonna say

as a man, you are in charge of what happens...


...i know some women here are going to disagree

Naaaaaah. I think that statement will resonate well with most women...really.



When my wife gets down on herself, calls herself a fatass, etc. I don't know what to say. I tell her that I think she looks great (and, to me, she does. I mean damn...after 10 years and two kids I still just looove to tap it. I really don't mind the extra weight as far as her shape is concerned. She still packs the hourglass and I think she wears the extra pounds a lot better than most overweight women) but then she gets mad at me and tells me that it "isn't about me". Damn! I know it isn't about me, woman!
I certainly don't want to say, "Yeah honey, you're right. You sure are a bigun'!"

Any ideas on what I should say when she starts in on herself? I don't think the "confused silence" thing is working well for me here. Then again, maybe it is working. Its proven to be the safest response. But I want to help. I want to say the right thing. I feel like its a lose/lose situation for me whenever she starts up.

[MissAnna]

Originally Posted by cozener

Naaaaaah. I think that statement will resonate well with most women...really.



When my wife gets down on herself, calls herself a fatass, etc. I don't know what to say. I tell her that I think she looks great (and, to me, she does. I mean damn...after 10 years and two kids I still just looove to tap it. I really don't mind the extra weight as far as her shape is concerned. She still packs the hourglass and I think she wears the extra pounds a lot better than most overweight women) but then she gets mad at me and tells me that it "isn't about me". Damn! I know it isn't about me, woman!
I certainly don't want to say, "Yeah honey, you're right. You sure are a bigun'!"

Any ideas on what I should say when she starts in on herself? I don't think the "confused silence" thing is working well for me here. Then again, maybe it is working. Its proven to be the safest response. But I want to help. I want to say the right thing. I feel like its a lose/lose situation for me whenever she starts up.

Instead of just going along with what she is saying, ask her how she sees herself. If there is something she would like to change about herself. You could add to this that you love her just the way she is, but in the end it all comes down to what makes her happy and what makes her feel good. If she doesn't feel comfortable with her weight, tell her that you will support her if she wants to loose weight only b/c you want HER to feel good about herself and her apperance.

[broscience_wiki]

Originally Posted by cozener

Naaaaaah. I think that statement will resonate well with most women...really.



When my wife gets down on herself, calls herself a fatass, etc. I don't know what to say. I tell her that I think she looks great (and, to me, she does. I mean damn...after 10 years and two kids I still just looove to tap it. I really don't mind the extra weight as far as her shape is concerned. She still packs the hourglass and I think she wears the extra pounds a lot better than most overweight women) but then she gets mad at me and tells me that it "isn't about me". Damn! I know it isn't about me, woman!
I certainly don't want to say, "Yeah honey, you're right. You sure are a bigun'!"

Any ideas on what I should say when she starts in on herself? I don't think the "confused silence" thing is working well for me here. Then again, maybe it is working. Its proven to be the safest response. But I want to help. I want to say the right thing. I feel like its a lose/lose situation for me whenever she starts up.

I didnt quite mean call her a fatass...

if she starts going on at herself in front of you, its her showing her insecurities. she has to let her guard down when she does that because she has to admit her own faults, so its the perfect time to help her with the solution.

when she does that you could just ask her when she intends to do something about it. she will probably be like I HAVE BEEN ON A DIET FOR THE LAST BLA BLA BLA and you could tell her diets arent to make people lose weight, they are to make money. there IS NOT an alternative to controlling your diet and training with a goal.

tell her instead of talking lets just do some situps or squats RIGHT NOW (dont take any **** from her fat lazy ass, its not her fault she is being lazy at the moment its cos shes conditioned herself that way, after a while she will have much more energy etc probably thank for you it, so dont forget that when the times get hard and plays every card at a womans disposal.

dont sit down and ask her crap about when can you work out honey... just take ownership by creating an opportunity for her to work out. give her free time so she can actually do what you want her to.

you should create a positive environment around anything healthy related and a negative vibe on things that go against her goals. not so that you become a bore to be around, dont let her think its you vs her by creating an agressive atmosphere. make it out so its both of you together against the system of fat lazy drivethru culture cos shes shown she does not have the strength to do it alone anymore so she will have to jump on your bandwagon of positivity about her situation.