Desperate Husband

[mavro6000]

Ladies,
I need help. I got married about 5 years ago and my wife was 21 was weighing 155 pounds and she is 5'10. She lived a pretty active life but HATES going to the gym and exercising, but she would workout because she wanted to maintain a good body. Now about 5 years and one baby she weighs about 187 pounds. Now my wife is 26 and is completing out of shape. One of the reason why she put on so much weight is because it was the first time she left the house and had freedom to eat anything she wanted. Under her moms roof, her mom had some control on what she can eat, now we have a baby and she is unable to keep up with him. Another reason why she gain so much weight was because our marriage was in a free fall and was about to end, but we were able to sort of fix it. She took her anger and depression on food. When she got pregnant she went up to 220 pounds with the baby and 1 year later today she weights 187 pounds.

The reason for this post is because I need help to encourage her. I am a gym fanatic and I love going to the gym. I go ever morning and I also 2 twice per week I play soccer. I live a very active lifestyle and I live on a pretty good diet. I tried everything to motivate her. I tried bribing, I tried forcing, I tried settings goals, I tried everything that I could think off. I am against a wall because I do not know what else to do. She is 26 and her body is like a 40 year old. She is not obese but she eats alot. She eats alot of chocolate, drinks lots of coke (zero) and I know deep inside she wants to lose weight, but she is not willing to pay the price. Any advise would be greatly appreciate. Should I give up and live frustrated the rest of my life, because I am 27 years old myself and my goal is to run with my wife at least a 5k marathon. I know right now she is unable to run 2 blocks and I am willing to try anything. I am a man, and I do NOT UNDERSTAND the womans mind and I tried to understand it and I give up. Please help!!!!!!!!!

[Rhonda_H]

post pardum and a rocky marriage is not a good combo. then try cleaning up your eating habits with that its just not going to happen. your wife has to be ready and willing to do it on her own. if my husband had begged me to loose weight no matter how sensitive he thought he was being it would have pushed me into a deeper depression. you can look at my stats and see how long it took me to loose weight.

[Atropa]

She has to want to do it herself.
To be honest if I had a husband like you I would dump him, wait I did he now he is my ex husband.
Your goal here is not her health but to push what you want on someone else.
When and if she is ready she will do it but no amount of bribing, goal setting or forcing is going to make that happen.
If anything it will just make her feel like crap about herself and she will eat more.

[mavro6000]

Originally Posted by Rhonda_H

post pardum and a rocky marriage is not a good combo. then try cleaning up your eating habits with that its just not going to happen. your wife has to be ready and willing to do it on her own. if my husband had begged me to loose weight no matter how sensitive he thought he was being it would have pushed me into a deeper depression. you can look at my stats and see how long it took me to loose weight.

So should I just give up? Should I just not mention anything and live it as is? She promised her self that her brothers wedding, which is 6 months from today, she wants to wear a very sexy dress but unless she starts now she will never lose 30 pounds that she needs for her brothers wedding. Well, it seems to me that I should just keep my mouth shut and go to the gym as usual and hope that she has the desire to join me one day. A rocky marriage was not to helpful especially when we first got married. Well, the past is the past, and we are trying to move on, especially for our son.

[mavro6000]

Originally Posted by Atropa

She has to want to do it herself.
To be honest if I had a husband like you I would dump him, wait I did he now he is my ex husband.
Your goal here is not her health but to push what you want on someone else.
When and if she is ready she will do it but no amount of bribing, goal setting or forcing is going to make that happen.
If anything it will just make her feel like crap about herself and she will eat more.

Thank you Atropa, after 5 years I finally realized this. I decided not to say anything any more. I agree with you that forcing someone to workout will not help. So will you agree with me that I should never say anything else and maybe lead by example? Or should I just not mention anything anymore and hope for the best? How would you like to be approached? I know that deep inside she wants to change, I just want to help. It is very selfish of me, I know. Well, I think I am just going to keep out.

[marioana]

Originally Posted by mavro6000

Thank you Atropa, after 5 years I finally realized this. I decided not to say anything any more. I agree with you that forcing someone to workout will not help. So will you agree with me that I should never say anything else and maybe lead by example? Or should I just not mention anything anymore and hope for the best? How would you like to be approached? I know that deep inside she wants to change, I just want to help. It is very selfish of me, I know. Well, I think I am just going to keep out.

Maybe you should try to make her see that what she is doing isn't healthy. But not all at once...for instance, you could say something like "Hey, I read somewhere that coke isn't good for you health, even if is zero, because it has some chemicals. I was thinking maybe you could switch to water, I want you around for many years from now", or "Do you want to come with me to the gym? It would be fun if we could work out together."
Just throw some of these "pills" once in a while, and make sure everything is about her, and she should feel that you are concerned about her health not her looks.

[Rhonda_H]

Originally Posted by mavro6000

So should I just give up? Should I just not mention anything and live it as is? She promised her self that her brothers wedding, which is 6 months from today, she wants to wear a very sexy dress but unless she starts now she will never lose 30 pounds that she needs for her brothers wedding. Well, it seems to me that I should just keep my mouth shut and go to the gym as usual and hope that she has the desire to join me one day. A rocky marriage was not to helpful especially when we first got married. Well, the past is the past, and we are trying to move on, especially for our son.

So is it just your way or nothing? You should be a supportive husband. Encourage a healthy lifestyle by doing it yourself and your son. Thats what I have had to do.

Start making dinner every night and have your wife in the kitchen with you to chat about the day. Your bonding together and she can see how your cooking a healthy meal. Or do the grocery shopping and buy healthy foods. Ask her to go to the gym with you " hey hun I really think working out together will a great hobby that will bring us together"

[Atropa]

Originally Posted by Rhonda_H

So is it just your way or nothing? You should be a supportive husband. Encourage a healthy lifestyle by doing it yourself and your son. Thats what I have had to do.

Start making dinner every night and have your wife in the kitchen with you to chat about the day. Your bonding together and she can see how your cooking a healthy meal. Or do the grocery shopping and buy healthy foods. Ask her to go to the gym with you " hey hun I really think working out together will a great hobby that will bring us together"

That is what you should do, instead of being demanding become proactive, supportive and helpful.

[W2BFITMOM]

Is your wife by any chance breastfeeding? For me, it was REALLY hard to control my cravings when I was nursing. I gained a ton of weight AFTER giving birth (lost most my preggo weight within 3 days but then gained another 20 lbs by 3 months old) but I just couldn't stop eating. Even the second baby, when I knew what to expect and tried hard to combat it, I couldn't. Since my daughter weaned in December I have lost 40 lbs and look like I've never had kids. I'm in amazing shape if I do say so myself. Give your wife time. It's so hard right after having a baby to get all your ducks in a row. It doesn't mean that she won't, it just means that she has to do it on her terms. If she is breastfeeding then she really may not be able to control her cravings at this time. If she's not breastfeeding then she needs to make sure she makes time for herself. It's hard to eat well when you have a little baby at home. It's a lot easier to grab something quick then spend the time to make something healthy. I agree that you can help by making dinner, and make enough leftovers so she has an easy, healthy lunch the next day. Instead of trying to force her into the gym, suggest family walks in the evenings. Once she gets used to being active again, suggest the gym. You are not a terrible husband for wanting your wife to be healthy. Just realize that it's hard to be a mom, it's hard to make time for yourself and put yourself before the baby. Some woman never have that fire to get their bodies back... and other woman do whatever they have to do to look even better then before. It's really up to her. She has to decide this is what she wants. I worked on my husband for years to go to the gym. He told me he'd rather die then workout. He was very unsupportive of my gym "obsession". Then one day he just decided he wanted to do it. 7 years I tried to get him to the gym. It was when I let it go that he decided he was curious and gave it a try and is now obsessive about it himself. Good luck... go easy on her!

[trace621]

Rhonda_H made a good point about cooking together and grocery shopping...that would help tremendously. One of the main things she needs to fix is her diet, so maybe experiment with new meals, healthy ones that taste yummy....she can help cook/prep and just by that alone, she will notice a difference. Do you guys do anything with your son.....go to the park, walk the dog, play outside, anything active thats fun but considered not exercising but it is.

If she is happy the way she is, you should be happy and love her just the same. What if roles were reversed, how would you feel? how would you like to be approached?

When I first started, my bf has the tendency to "know everything" about exercising/nutrition and it overwhelmed me, annoyed me and pushed me farther away. In the end, I had to change for myself, learn on my own and now I am confident in any discussion with him and go to the gym 5x a week.

Another thing....since you say you LOVE the gym, obviously you are in shape, etc...do you think she is intimidated by you? I just started losing weight and its hard especially if you have a bf/husband that has a muscled-gym body and you just feel even worse about yourself....I did for a long time. Do you compliment her regardless how she looks?

Wish you the best of luck!!

[mavro6000]

Originally Posted by marioana

Maybe you should try to make her see that what she is doing isn't healthy. But not all at once...for instance, you could say something like "Hey, I read somewhere that coke isn't good for you health, even if is zero, because it has some chemicals. I was thinking maybe you could switch to water, I want you around for many years from now", or "Do you want to come with me to the gym? It would be fun if we could work out together."
Just throw some of these "pills" once in a while, and make sure everything is about her, and she should feel that you are concerned about her health not her looks.

Wow, you hit it on the spot. She feels that I am only concerned about her looks. I will be honest with you ladies, this is true, but I am trying to be less demanding about it. I have mentioned anything about her weight in a few weeks. This is a big thing for me. Trust me. Last night, after having some insight from the females point of you, I was able to relax more. So I gently came home, hugged her, told how much I loved her. We spend some times in the jacuzzi. Right before I went to be at 10pm, she got a bowl of ice creams and started to eat about 7 scopes. I wanted to cry and send her to hell. I was really angry inside because I just to the conclusion that I am hopeless. So, I smiled gently, and kissed her good night. I was so irate inside but I knew that if I said something, I had promised myself that I would just give up on this. This is why I am asking a womans point of view. Did I do right last night and just kissing her and going to bed? Should I have said something?

[mavro6000]

Originally Posted by Rhonda_H

So is it just your way or nothing? You should be a supportive husband. Encourage a healthy lifestyle by doing it yourself and your son. Thats what I have had to do.

Start making dinner every night and have your wife in the kitchen with you to chat about the day. Your bonding together and she can see how your cooking a healthy meal. Or do the grocery shopping and buy healthy foods. Ask her to go to the gym with you " hey hun I really think working out together will a great hobby that will bring us together"

I am going to try that. I love the way woman think, much less brute and much more sensitive. Us many only think about the end result. We think only black or white. I never really see gray.

[mavro6000]

Originally Posted by W2BFITMOM

Is your wife by any chance breastfeeding? For me, it was REALLY hard to control my cravings when I was nursing. I gained a ton of weight AFTER giving birth (lost most my preggo weight within 3 days but then gained another 20 lbs by 3 months old) but I just couldn't stop eating. Even the second baby, when I knew what to expect and tried hard to combat it, I couldn't. Since my daughter weaned in December I have lost 40 lbs and look like I've never had kids. I'm in amazing shape if I do say so myself. Give your wife time. It's so hard right after having a baby to get all your ducks in a row. It doesn't mean that she won't, it just means that she has to do it on her terms. If she is breastfeeding then she really may not be able to control her cravings at this time. If she's not breastfeeding then she needs to make sure she makes time for herself. It's hard to eat well when you have a little baby at home. It's a lot easier to grab something quick then spend the time to make something healthy. I agree that you can help by making dinner, and make enough leftovers so she has an easy, healthy lunch the next day. Instead of trying to force her into the gym, suggest family walks in the evenings. Once she gets used to being active again, suggest the gym. You are not a terrible husband for wanting your wife to be healthy. Just realize that it's hard to be a mom, it's hard to make time for yourself and put yourself before the baby. Some woman never have that fire to get their bodies back... and other woman do whatever they have to do to look even better then before. It's really up to her. She has to decide this is what she wants. I worked on my husband for years to go to the gym. He told me he'd rather die then workout. He was very unsupportive of my gym "obsession". Then one day he just decided he wanted to do it. 7 years I tried to get him to the gym. It was when I let it go that he decided he was curious and gave it a try and is now obsessive about it himself. Good luck... go easy on her!

JUST WOW. Words spoken from heaven. Right now she is not breastfeeding. She stopped breastfeeding on month 2. Milk would just not come out. So she used to spend hours hand pumping every day. I really appreciate the wife I have. She would wake up at 2am so hand pump to give to our son. For some reason he would not latch on. But anyways, this is about being fit and living a healthy lifestyle. I am going to try those council. Maybe walking at night to get her started Lets see if that will help. I am going to try that until she has the desire to change.

[BiancaNoir]

Originally Posted by mavro6000

Right before I went to be at 10pm, she got a bowl of ice creams and started to eat about 7 scopes. I wanted to cry and send her to hell. I was really angry inside because I just to the conclusion that I am hopeless.

Why are you making this about you?

[mavro6000]

Originally Posted by trace621

Rhonda_H made a good point about cooking together and grocery shopping...that would help tremendously. One of the main things she needs to fix is her diet, so maybe experiment with new meals, healthy ones that taste yummy....she can help cook/prep and just by that alone, she will notice a difference. Do you guys do anything with your son.....go to the park, walk the dog, play outside, anything active thats fun but considered not exercising but it is.

If she is happy the way she is, you should be happy and love her just the same. What if roles were reversed, how would you feel? how would you like to be approached?

When I first started, my bf has the tendency to "know everything" about exercising/nutrition and it overwhelmed me, annoyed me and pushed me farther away. In the end, I had to change for myself, learn on my own and now I am confident in any discussion with him and go to the gym 5x a week.

Another thing....since you say you LOVE the gym, obviously you are in shape, etc...do you think she is intimidated by you? I just started losing weight and its hard especially if you have a bf/husband that has a muscled-gym body and you just feel even worse about yourself....I did for a long time. Do you compliment her regardless how she looks?

Wish you the best of luck!!

First I wanted to thank you for your reply. I am going to do the best so that I could respond. You mentioned if we do anything fun. The answer is "no". We never walk the dog or do we go outside for walks. We never walk together with the baby and the stroller. The thing is I am very active and I HATE to walk. Walking for me is to boring. But I guess I am going to bite the bullet.

How would I like to be approached? I would like someone to pick me up and say, "Nick, we are going to the gym"!!!!! I have a very strong willed mom at home, so freedom wasn't really an option. So I would like basically someone to kick my butt.

I am not SUPER fit, but I am able to hand with the boys at P90X. So, I would say that I have alot of endurance and I am getting ready for the summer in a few months. I live way south of the equator so we are in opposite poles. Right now is winter and its kind of cold.

By no means I do not think she is intimated by me. She has a lot of self pride. She is a beautiful person and even being over weight guys still try to pick her up. This is the problem, because she says even being over weight there are men that try to pick her up.

I haven't compliment her the way she looks in a long time. I am a very transparent person, and it is hard for me to say it when I cannot truly mean it.

[mavro6000]

Originally Posted by BiancaNoir

Why are you making this about you?

Good point. I do not know. I never thought about it like that. I am just trying to help her break the addiction about food. She is a compulsive eater, but she is unable to eat one scope, it has to be a huge bowl. So I should just let her be?

[7rmr]

Hows your marriage now? I know your focused on her weight cause obviously us guys want a good looking mate but you might want to focus on your marriage. The better she feels about the marriage and herself ( obviously the two are very interconnected) the more she will want to take care of herself and look attractive for you. So making healthier meals and buying healthy groceries is a great step. Maybe try and get her to go on walks and bike rides with you. But your biggest priority should be getting your marriage on more stable ground. Her eating and weight gain are most likely connected to your rocky marriage. Definetely see a marriage counselor once those sessions start then you can bring up some of the feels your having. Because getting mad at her for eating poorly tells me you have some real underlying resentment towards your wife? Maybe you feel she dosn't care enough about to to try and look attractive enough for you. A gym won't fix that, counseling might though.

[jackie423]

Originally Posted by Rhonda_H

So is it just your way or nothing? You should be a supportive husband. Encourage a healthy lifestyle by doing it yourself and your son. Thats what I have had to do.

Start making dinner every night and have your wife in the kitchen with you to chat about the day. Your bonding together and she can see how your cooking a healthy meal. Or do the grocery shopping and buy healthy foods. Ask her to go to the gym with you " hey hun I really think working out together will a great hobby that will bring us together"

You could also try a fun, family sport as a way to start getting active. Go for family walks, play sports in the park, play raquetball in the gym together...lots of activies can be a great way to get in shape/stay in shape and do it together as a family. I know my husband and I have had some really great conversations and a lot of fun doing activies like this together.

[trace621]

maybe it's just me so I am just speaking for myself but like you, my boyfriend can hold his own in the gym and has endurance, etc. I am no where near as fit or in shape as him. I still have guys check me out and yeah it gives me a boost but thats not where I need my "boost" from. Sometimes when I look at him, I can't measure up...I want to be the best for him and it takes me longer and I am a bit slower at learning everything. I am not saying your wife is like this but maybe she is because I have felt it. Even though she gets the eye from other men, when the man she loves constantly tells her come on lets go, eat better, go to the gym etc etc....maybe in her mind, same way I thought...."oh gosh I can't look like him, i am fat, ugly blah blah" and then the vicious cycle happens and i have no motivation cause I have that evil demon speaking negative thoughts to me.

If you are truly unhappy with how she looks and you can't even tell her that she is beautiful, I dont mean to be rude or harsh but you need to take a look at yourself and your relationship. God forbid but what if you couldnt work out and something happened and you gained weight.......how would you feel if your wife didn't show affection (not sure if you do) or compliment you, etc. It's a sucky feeling. From the way you sound, this is a bit deeper than food....she ate ice cream and you were so disgusted you wanted to send her to hell? I know thats just joking or whatever (i hope) but if your wife read that, I am sure she would be very hurt and eat another 7 scoops....i know i would....and the vicious cycle continues.

maybe she is using food for something that is missing in her life? usually people with eating issues (not saying she has one, just generally) either over eating or bulimia (etc)....they use food to control something in their lives....everything else they have no control over. Like I said I am NOT saying she has one or this is the case but maybe she uses food for COMFORT, SECURITY, MAKES HER FEEL GOOD...........and it doesnt seem like she is getting any of those things from you.

Dont kill me, lol just trying to understand and help

[Butterfly09]

I used to weigh 287 so I can relate to your wife. You are expressing a lot of anger & frustration and she is seeking comfort through food it seems. Counseling to get your marraige in order as others have suggested seems like a good starting point. My husband never cared (except for health reasons) and never got angry and mad when my weight soared to 287-he always supported and loved me for me. He sometimes tells me when I get frustrated when my weight now isn't where I want it that he loved me when I was obese and loves me now. It's when I reached the breaking point and realized I needed help that things changed-you can't force her. I sure hope you work things out-don't give up.

[mavro6000]

Originally Posted by 7rmr

Hows your marriage now? I know your focused on her weight cause obviously us guys want a good looking mate but you might want to focus on your marriage. The better she feels about the marriage and herself ( obviously the two are very interconnected) the more she will want to take care of herself and look attractive for you. So making healthier meals and buying healthy groceries is a great step. Maybe try and get her to go on walks and bike rides with you. But your biggest priority should be getting your marriage on more stable ground. Her eating and weight gain are most likely connected to your rocky marriage. Definetely see a marriage counselor once those sessions start then you can bring up some of the feels your having. Because getting mad at her for eating poorly tells me you have some real underlying resentment towards your wife? Maybe you feel she dosn't care enough about to to try and look attractive enough for you. A gym won't fix that, counseling might though.

First I wanted to thank you for taking the time and replying to this post. "You had asked me how is my marriage?" My marriage currently right now is getting better. We were in the brink of divorce when the wife got pregnant. Right now we are trying to save the marriage. One of the reason why we were in the brink of divorce is because I was losing interest in her. The reason why I was losing interest was because of her weight. She was eating too much and I was always at the gym and I didn't want to be with someone that couldn't control her mouth. Since we got married, I ALWAYS had an issue with her eating habits. She was never over weight until 6 months into our marriage. I guess my mom was always over weight and I had promised myself that I would NEVER marry someone over weight, so this is the main cause for concern. For right now we are putting the marriage counselor on hold because she is going to start seeing a psychologist. She has many deep issue she needs to resolve. I have my issue, but she asked me if she could see one before we go to a marriage councilor. So I know there is a need to change, but I wanted to see how can I help her be more active. Last night I offered the idea of walking everyday together after work, and she said it was a good idea. I am going to start that today.

[mavro6000]

Originally Posted by jackie423

You could also try a fun, family sport as a way to start getting active. Go for family walks, play sports in the park, play raquetball in the gym together...lots of activies can be a great way to get in shape/stay in shape and do it together as a family. I know my husband and I have had some really great conversations and a lot of fun doing activies like this together.

Great idea, I am looking into this.

[2020Wellness]

One thing I want to add is that it seems like you are taking too much time for the things you want to do, and not enough time together.

You mentioned that you workout every morning, so 7 days per week. Then you play soccer twice per week, which is going to take up a few hours I'm assuming. So you've got 10-15 hours of your week devoted to things you want to do. If you have a full time job, that basically leaves very little time for family.

This happens with many couples, as the husband still wants to go out and do things, while the wife wants to stay home and nurture the child. If the husband takes it too far, which I think you are doing, once the child is out of the house, your wife will leave you. She might not be mad, but she will leave all of the sudden, and you will be left alone at an age where alone isn't desireable.

You are doing your thing, does she have as much time as you do to do hers? Staying at home doesn't count, if that is what she does, because the child is always there and that isn't the same alone time you are getting.

There is a probably an unbalance going on here and she probably sees no desire to take care of herself for you, because the type of husband you are being isn't what she wants to work for. 10-15 hours per week is too much time to expect for 'you' things at this stage in your life, make that change and see what happens. It'll take months to bring it back around where she sees you as something to work towards, but until you are doing the same, I wouldn't expect much to happen.

My 2 cents

[mavro6000]

Originally Posted by trace621

maybe it's just me so I am just speaking for myself but like you, my boyfriend can hold his own in the gym and has endurance, etc. I am no where near as fit or in shape as him. I still have guys check me out and yeah it gives me a boost but thats not where I need my "boost" from. Sometimes when I look at him, I can't measure up...I want to be the best for him and it takes me longer and I am a bit slower at learning everything. I am not saying your wife is like this but maybe she is because I have felt it. Even though she gets the eye from other men, when the man she loves constantly tells her come on lets go, eat better, go to the gym etc etc....maybe in her mind, same way I thought...."oh gosh I can't look like him, i am fat, ugly blah blah" and then the vicious cycle happens and i have no motivation cause I have that evil demon speaking negative thoughts to me.

If you are truly unhappy with how she looks and you can't even tell her that she is beautiful, I dont mean to be rude or harsh but you need to take a look at yourself and your relationship. God forbid but what if you couldnt work out and something happened and you gained weight.......how would you feel if your wife didn't show affection (not sure if you do) or compliment you, etc. It's a sucky feeling. From the way you sound, this is a bit deeper than food....she ate ice cream and you were so disgusted you wanted to send her to hell? I know thats just joking or whatever (i hope) but if your wife read that, I am sure she would be very hurt and eat another 7 scoops....i know i would....and the vicious cycle continues.

maybe she is using food for something that is missing in her life? usually people with eating issues (not saying she has one, just generally) either over eating or bulimia (etc)....they use food to control something in their lives....everything else they have no control over. Like I said I am NOT saying she has one or this is the case but maybe she uses food for COMFORT, SECURITY, MAKES HER FEEL GOOD...........and it doesnt seem like she is getting any of those things from you.

Dont kill me, lol just trying to understand and help

Trace621, I really appreciate your honesty in all this. I would like to respond to your post. The thing right now, because of so many battle wounds scar that has occurred in the past, I do not think she wants to look the best for me, like she did when we first got married. This is the honest truth. Right now we are living in Brazil. We are currently under winter temperature. For example 70% of the woman here are NOT overweight. I am not saying they all in shape, but they are slim, because the food here is not a heavy as there are in the USA. She is a currently size 14, and most clothing in fashion stores the highest is a size 12. This is the highest most stores carries. We is able to "hide" her weight because she wears sweaters and jackets because of the cold. In 2-3 months when summers starts, then what? Then she is going to get depressed because she will have no clothing to wear.

You had asked me what if I couldn't work out, and if she didn't want to look at me. You make a valid point, how would I feel. I would feel HORRIBLE and lonely. I sometimes think about this and I back off her. But the way I think now, she is 100% completely healthy to work out and she is a stay at home mom. I guess I have to REEVALUATE my thought process which I am currently doing through out this process. Of course I was joking about sending her to hell, but I was deeply hurt for her not taking my feelings into consideration. She know how much I hate to see her do this to her self. If she wants to eat, please eat behind me.

I do no think she has an eating disorder but more as an emotional disorder. She is a very unstable person, and I guess she takes this out on eating. I guess there are deeper issue that needs to be resolve before she loses weight.

[7rmr]

Originally Posted by mavro6000

First I wanted to thank you for taking the time and replying to this post. "You had asked me how is my marriage?" My marriage currently right now is getting better. We were in the brink of divorce when the wife got pregnant. Right now we are trying to save the marriage. One of the reason why we were in the brink of divorce is because I was losing interest in her. The reason why I was losing interest was because of her weight. She was eating too much and I was always at the gym and I didn't want to be with someone that couldn't control her mouth. Since we got married, I ALWAYS had an issue with her eating habits. She was never over weight until 6 months into our marriage. I guess my mom was always over weight and I had promised myself that I would NEVER marry someone over weight, so this is the main cause for concern. For right now we are putting the marriage counselor on hold because she is going to start seeing a psychologist. She has many deep issue she needs to resolve. I have my issue, but she asked me if she could see one before we go to a marriage councilor. So I know there is a need to change, but I wanted to see how can I help her be more active. Last night I offered the idea of walking everyday together after work, and she said it was a good idea. I am going to start that today.

Sounds like you guys are at least getting on to the right track. Garunteed she will probably bring up her weight with the psychologist seeing as it almost lead to your divorce. So you need to be prepared for when she talks to you about it. Her psychologist at some point will have her talk with you about her weight, your feelings about it, how you express those feelings to her, how they make her feel inadequate and how that stress and pressure makes her eat more and want to excercise less. I know it sounds very counter intuitive but for some women thats how it works. Anyways as I said you should probably start thinking up a response for when she talks to you about it because during that conversation you need to be as supportive as possible. You don't need to tell her go ahead and never excercise. But you do need to be supportive of her so as to not accidentally push her into gaining more weight.

Make sure you take a keen interest in her sessions with her psychologist. You don't need to pry but asking how they went, asking if she would like to talk with you about what they talked about or how comfortable she felt talking with her psychologist are all great questions that will make her feel you really care. Because while her psychologist will no doubt help her counseling dosn't need to stop there. If the two of you talk about her sessions it can really help show how much you support her and want her to start feeling better. It should also bring you closer and make her feel more open with you. All of which will no doubt help your relationship and eventually her weight loss. Just don't pry. If she dosn't want to open up or dosn't walk to talk about something in particular thats ok and be supportive of it. Just say something like " I only ask because I love you and want to help you. But if your not comfortable talking about it thats ok too. If at any point you change your mind though I'd be more then happy to talk with you about it."

Starting walking once a day after work is great. So is starting to play a sport your both interested in. After doing the walks for a while its easy to slowly turn them into jogs. Jogging will no doubt help her athletic ability in the sport you play creating a nice positive feedback loop. Just make sure not to turn the walks into jogs too early or she will pushback hard. Also make sure when you play your sport and go on walks only talk about good things. If they turn into arguments all the time she won't want to go.

[mavro6000]

Originally Posted by Butterfly09

I used to weigh 287 so I can relate to your wife. You are expressing a lot of anger & frustration and she is seeking comfort through food it seems. Counseling to get your marraige in order as others have suggested seems like a good starting point. My husband never cared (except for health reasons) and never got angry and mad when my weight soared to 287-he always supported and loved me for me. He sometimes tells me when I get frustrated when my weight now isn't where I want it that he loved me when I was obese and loves me now. It's when I reached the breaking point and realized I needed help that things changed-you can't force her. I sure hope you work things out-don't give up.

Thank You Butterfly, I think that I arrived at a point, that I will just wash my hands about this with her. She was the desire to change and I have receive alot of GREAT advise. It has been good for me to see things from a women prospective.

[mavro6000]

Originally Posted by 2020Wellness

One thing I want to add is that it seems like you are taking too much time for the things you want to do, and not enough time together.

You mentioned that you workout every morning, so 7 days per week. Then you play soccer twice per week, which is going to take up a few hours I'm assuming. So you've got 10-15 hours of your week devoted to things you want to do. If you have a full time job, that basically leaves very little time for family.

This happens with many couples, as the husband still wants to go out and do things, while the wife wants to stay home and nurture the child. If the husband takes it too far, which I think you are doing, once the child is out of the house, your wife will leave you. She might not be mad, but she will leave all of the sudden, and you will be left alone at an age where alone isn't desireable.

You are doing your thing, does she have as much time as you do to do hers? Staying at home doesn't count, if that is what she does, because the child is always there and that isn't the same alone time you are getting.

There is a probably an unbalance going on here and she probably sees no desire to take care of herself for you, because the type of husband you are being isn't what she wants to work for. 10-15 hours per week is too much time to expect for 'you' things at this stage in your life, make that change and see what happens. It'll take months to bring it back around where she sees you as something to work towards, but until you are doing the same, I wouldn't expect much to happen.

My 2 cents

I think that all these are GREAT IDEA and are symptoms of the main cause and you hit it on the HEAD. My wife HAS NOT "ME" time. She has time to work out, but she doesn't like working out and then she has not a real time by her self. Last week I been offering to take care of the baby when I don't have soccer. This is 5 times through the week that she can have "ME". Tonight for example she is going to go out, so this is a good thing. I know it is going to take time, and I already planned it in my schedule. I am a very methodical person and I also have a schedule to do everything. She is a person that has no schedule and doesn't like a schedule. I am a very controlling person by nature and I like things done certain ways. She is the opposite of me. I am going to give her "me" and on Saturdays morning I am going to have "we" time. Thank you

[mavro6000]

Originally Posted by 7rmr

Sounds like you guys are at least getting on to the right track. Garunteed she will probably bring up her weight with the psychologist seeing as it almost lead to your divorce. So you need to be prepared for when she talks to you about it. Her psychologist at some point will have her talk with you about her weight, your feelings about it, how you express those feelings to her, how they make her feel inadequate and how that stress and pressure makes her eat more and want to excercise less. I know it sounds very counter intuitive but for some women thats how it works. Anyways as I said you should probably start thinking up a response for when she talks to you about it because during that conversation you need to be as supportive as possible. You don't need to tell her go ahead and never excercise. But you do need to be supportive of her so as to not accidentally push her into gaining more weight.

Make sure you take a keen interest in her sessions with her psychologist. You don't need to pry but asking how they went, asking if she would like to talk with you about what they talked about or how comfortable she felt talking with her psychologist are all great questions that will make her feel you really care. Because while her psychologist will no doubt help her counseling dosn't need to stop there. If the two of you talk about her sessions it can really help show how much you support her and want her to start feeling better. It should also bring you closer and make her feel more open with you. All of which will no doubt help your relationship and eventually her weight loss. Just don't pry. If she dosn't want to open up or dosn't walk to talk about something in particular thats ok and be supportive of it. Just say something like " I only ask because I love you and want to help you. But if your not comfortable talking about it thats ok too. If at any point you change your mind though I'd be more then happy to talk with you about it."

Starting walking once a day after work is great. So is starting to play a sport your both interested in. After doing the walks for a while its easy to slowly turn them into jogs. Jogging will no doubt help her athletic ability in the sport you play creating a nice positive feedback loop. Just make sure not to turn the walks into jogs too early or she will pushback hard. Also make sure when you play your sport and go on walks only talk about good things. If they turn into arguments all the time she won't want to go.

This is really good stuff. I should of spoken to a woman 5 years ago before I dug myself into this hole. Thank you very much for all this great advice.

[7rmr]

Originally Posted by mavro6000

This is really good stuff. I should of spoken to a woman 5 years ago before I dug myself into this hole. Thank you very much for all this great advice.

I'm not a woman actually, I just saw your post under the New Posts button. But thanks anyways.

[12weekhardbody]

I believe that your wife HAS lost weight. She weighed 220 after the baby and is now down to 187 a year later? She just has not lost all of the weight that she put on.

I will say that you seem to care about her. You made this thread to get advice and seem to really think about the comments that you get. I would calmly talk WITH you wife and discuss how you both can strengthen your marriage. Instead of nagging her about her appearance, you could tell her that you are concern about her physical health. You may also be concerned about her emotionally. What could you do to help her feel more confident and happy?

I am a stay at home mom (two boys ages 2 and 6). Staying at home DOES get depressing and BORING. This may be one of the reasons why she is eating too much. I overeat sometimes when I am bored. It is a great thing that you are giving her some time on her own.It lets her feel more like a women and not just like a mom or a wife. It is also very important for the two of you to spend some time alone together.

My husband is my absolute best friend. He listens to me and makes me feel comfortable. He doesn't judge me. I never doubt that he loves me. Your wife may feel that you don't love her which is depressing her. I think you said that your marriage was shaky due to her weight , her lack of exercise, and how/what she eats? Would you feel loved if you were her?

My husband does not exercise regularly nor does he eat the greatest things so I do understand what you are going through. I try to lead by example (weight 4 days a week and cardio 6 days a week). I cook his dinner, do the grocery shopping, and flex my muscles but ultimately it is up to him to do the work when/if he wants to. I am a vain person; he is not. I work out and eat a certain way to look a certain way. But he never feels that our marriage would end if he didn't get ripped.

You wife may be motivated to get healthier if she were to sign up on bodyspace. She would be able to meet other women who are/have been in her situation with losing weight or lacking motivation.

Your wife is a person not just eye candy. Support her. Listen to her. Love her.