Insecurities are rearing their ugly heads... (serious)

[BreesieBabby]

I'm finally in the relationship that with end up in marriage, but my insecurities are surfacing more now, than EVER... I'm worried that he will get bored with me, or find me annoying (which I'll admit I have been annoying lately) I'm just wondering if this is somewhat normal, considering I'm thinking about spending the rest of my life with this man.


I've talked to him about it, but he tells me not to worry.


I worry more than he knows about our future, but I tell him a lot, just because that's wat we agreed to. ****. I don't want to annoy him with my insecurities, I want to give him space when he needs it. I want to cook him food, tell him how hot I think he is and do it with him as much as my body will allow and then give bjs when my vagoo tires out.

Should I tell him less about whats on my mind so I dont annoy him and rive him away?

[futurebird]

I had a little of that. If you have known him for at least 15 months you should know if you can trust him or not. If you do trust him just take him on his word- don't worry. In fact the worry can backfire and become the problem.

Do you find him annoying? Will you be happy? ... that's enough to think about.

Don't be a rug. He's a grown man he should know what he wants and be able to be honest about it.

[BreesieBabby]

Originally Posted by futurebird

I had a little of that. If you have known him for at least 15 months you should know if you can trust him or not. If you do trust him just take him on his word- don't worry. In fact the worry can backfire and become the problem.

Do you find him annoying? Will you be happy? ... that's enough to think about.

Don't be a rug. He's a grown man he should know what he wants and be able to be honest about it.

no. I dont think he's annoying at all...

I KNOW that the worry will be the drawback if I dont keep in check.

I'll be happy as long as I am with him. He's VERY honest with me, so I dont ever worry about that part. I'm just worried that I will mess it all up. fml... I'm just really messed up frm when I was younger. strong insecurities that ALWAYS mess things up

[futurebird]

If he got messed up... or had trouble you'd help him through it, right? If he really loves you he'll do the same for you-- whatever it is.

We're all a little crazy.

It took me so long to believe that my husband (before we got married) really loved me including all of my "crazies" and I have... oh more than a few. But, that's why it's unconditional. That's what love is-- through thick and thin sickness and health and all that.

If you think you've found it stop worrying and enjoy it.

That's what I say.

[JAWS22]

Originally Posted by breessaint35

I'm finally in the relationship that with end up in marriage, but my insecurities are surfacing more now, than EVER... I'm worried that he will get bored with me, or find me annoying (which I'll admit I have been annoying lately) I'm just wondering if this is somewhat normal, considering I'm thinking about spending the rest of my life with this man.


I've talked to him about it, but he tells me not to worry.


I worry more than he knows about our future, but I tell him a lot, just because that's wat we agreed to. ****. I don't want to annoy him with my insecurities, I want to give him space when he needs it. I want to cook him food, tell him how hot I think he is and do it with him as much as my body will allow and then give bjs when my vagoo tires out.

Should I tell him less about whats on my mind so I dont annoy him and rive him away?

First of all, smart woman posting here instead of the RH misc. Second of all, from an honest, gonna be 20 years old in like 2 hours. You are too young to be thinking like this. Don't become another statistic, wait til you are a bit older, had more experience with life in general. If he is the one, he will still be here when your out of school and have a career going in a few years. If hes not, he wasnt the one. Just wait a while, you'll be glad you did.

[dunkonu9]

Don't worry it is perfectly normal. I think you will be fine. Leave him alone about it though. I am all for comunication but don't appear to be insecure or it will drive him off a little.

You cook, clean, keep the sex interesting and make sure he gets BJ's on a regular basis you will make him a very happy man that will not go anywhere.

Oh and if you do all that tell him he owes me.

[dIgInIt]

I would just leave it alone. If he hasnt gotten annoyed by you yet, you're probably ok. Dont let your insecurities become a self-fulfilling prophecy though. If you love him and you know you'll be happy with him and want to do everything to make him happy, I dont see why he'd want to go elsewhere. We can all be annoying from time to time

[healthierJ]

Everyone has insecurities and it's normal. Just chill about telling him all the time. It might help to write things down

[JAWS22]

Oh yeah and dont start telling him how you wanna be together for ever and stuff or he might scare off. So, first things first, stop doing that.

[Myshell87]

Originally Posted by breessaint35

I'm finally in the relationship that with end up in marriage, but my insecurities are surfacing more now, than EVER... I'm worried that he will get bored with me, or find me annoying (which I'll admit I have been annoying lately) I'm just wondering if this is somewhat normal, considering I'm thinking about spending the rest of my life with this man.


I've talked to him about it, but he tells me not to worry.


I worry more than he knows about our future, but I tell him a lot, just because that's wat we agreed to. ****. I don't want to annoy him with my insecurities, I want to give him space when he needs it. I want to cook him food, tell him how hot I think he is and do it with him as much as my body will allow and then give bjs when my vagoo tires out.

Should I tell him less about whats on my mind so I dont annoy him and rive him away?

everyone has insecurities, its only natural..

id say that its probably best to share them with him so that he knows where your head is at, but try not to dwell on things cause then you will only make and issue out of them..

ive been with my bf for nearly 3yrs and i still have insecurities, but i talk to him about it and he tries to help me through them... it really works.

good luck...

[BreesieBabby]

Originally Posted by JAWS22

First of all, smart woman posting here instead of the RH misc. Second of all, from an honest, gonna be 20 years old in like 2 hours. You are too young to be thinking like this. Don't become another statistic, wait til you are a bit older, had more experience with life in general. If he is the one, he will still be here when your out of school and have a career going in a few years. If hes not, he wasnt the one. Just wait a while, you'll be glad you did.

we wont be getting married for a couple more years... sooo I dont need you to tell me wats up, yo... youve been saying this for a while, I know you care.

Originally Posted by dunkonu9

Don't worry it is perfectly normal. I think you will be fine. Leave him alone about it though. I am all for comunication but don't appear to be insecure or it will drive him off a little.

You cook, clean, keep the sex interesting and make sure he gets BJ's on a regular basis you will make him a very happy man that will not go anywhere.

Oh and if you do all that tell him he owes me.

I do this already... lol

Originally Posted by JAWS22

Oh yeah and dont start telling him how you wanna be together for ever and stuff or he might scare off. So, first things first, stop doing that.

he tells ME this stuff...

Originally Posted by Myshell87

everyone has insecurities, its only natural..

id say that its probably best to share them with him so that he knows where your head is at, but try not to dwell on things cause then you will only make and issue out of them..

ive been with my bf for nearly 3yrs and i still have insecurities, but i talk to him about it and he tries to help me through them... it really works.

good luck...

thanks for all of this... I needed the reassurance that I wasnt nuts. THANKS! I'll chill on telling him EVERYTHING that worries me, bc I think that annoys the HELL out of him. he told me so in a REALLY nice way and in different words, but it meant the same thing.

THis guy. is all I could and would every want. he meets all of my weird criteria that I thought I made too impossible to meet. KUDOS HIM

[CookAndrewB]

Originally Posted by futurebird

Don't be a rug. He's a grown man he should know what he wants and be able to be honest about it.

I wouldn't go that far. It takes men MUCH longer to mature. I'm not talking about "hold a job and pay the bills vice drinking beer with his buddies" I'm talking about having some kind of connection with our inner emotional workings. I was probably in my early 30's before I honestly knew what it was that I wanted, or felt... I don't think I'm unusual in that. In fact, I may have developed a bit early from all I've seen.

Originally Posted by breessaint35

I'll be happy as long as I am with him. He's VERY honest with me, so I dont ever worry about that part. I'm just worried that I will mess it all up. fml... I'm just really messed up frm when I was younger. strong insecurities that ALWAYS mess things up

Ah, nothing like a good "family of origin" issue to taint everything. The hardest task I think that any of us undertake is simply believing that we are loveable. We love others just fine... well, most of us. But for whatever reason we are all a little unsure of why anyone would love us, or what we have to do to earn love.

Problem is that love isn't earned, it just is. If you have to cook and... whatever... it isn't love. Love will have him sticking around even when you drive him crazy, and will have him wanting to figure things out when life gets hard for the two of you.

Originally Posted by futurebird

We're all a little crazy.

Yeah, some of us start throwing the negs around at the drop of a hat

I think you summed it up just fine. We are all a little crazy, and none of us hide our crazy quite as well as we think. My wife often knows I'm goofy, has dealt with it, accepted it and loved me more for it before I ever "confess my issues" to her

[BreesieBabby]

Originally Posted by CookAndrewB

Ah, nothing like a good "family of origin" issue to taint everything. The hardest task I think that any of us undertake is simply believing that we are loveable. We love others just fine... well, most of us. But for whatever reason we are all a little unsure of why anyone would love us, or what we have to do to earn love.

Problem is that love isn't earned, it just is. If you have to cook and... whatever... it isn't love. Love will have him sticking around even when you drive him crazy, and will have him wanting to figure things out when life gets hard for the two of you.

we seriously talked about this last night... it's weird. I have always felt like this.

I dont feel like I need to EARN my love with him, I know that no matter what I do, he will love me, but I like cooking an cleaning for him.

thnks!

[emsy.]

Originally Posted by breessaint35

I'm finally in the relationship that with end up in marriage, but my insecurities are surfacing more now, than EVER... I'm worried that he will get bored with me, or find me annoying (which I'll admit I have been annoying lately) I'm just wondering if this is somewhat normal, considering I'm thinking about spending the rest of my life with this man.


I've talked to him about it, but he tells me not to worry.


I worry more than he knows about our future, but I tell him a lot, just because that's wat we agreed to. ****. I don't want to annoy him with my insecurities, I want to give him space when he needs it. I want to cook him food, tell him how hot I think he is and do it with him as much as my body will allow and then give bjs when my vagoo tires out.

Should I tell him less about whats on my mind so I dont annoy him and rive him away?

why waste your time worrying & just be happy.
what happens, happens, you know?

[dunkonu9]

Originally Posted by breessaint35

I do this already... lol

You have nothing to worry about then.....

[Elfie.]

Originally Posted by dunkonu9

Don't worry it is perfectly normal. I think you will be fine. Leave him alone about it though. I am all for comunication but don't appear to be insecure or it will drive him off a little.

You cook, clean, keep the sex interesting and make sure he gets BJ's on a regular basis you will make him a very happy man that will not go anywhere.

Oh and if you do all that tell him he owes me.

So if she doesn't act like his maid and give him acrobatic cracked out sex while he lies there like a vegetable *not saying he does* he'll f*ck around on her? Ah L'Amour.

Originally Posted by breessaint35

we seriously talked about this last night... it's weird. I have always felt like this.

I dont feel like I need to EARN my love with him, I know that no matter what I do, he will love me, but I like cooking an cleaning for him.

thnks!

Meh...I'm very curious about what makes this guy so special and why you're so botherd about him. WHY do you feel like you have to earn his love? That doesn't put him in the best light. I'm not trying to sound snarky or anything (I promise) I really am genuinely curious!!

[nakota]

Originally Posted by CookAndrewB

Problem is that love isn't earned, it just is. If you have to cook and... whatever... it isn't love. Love will have him sticking around even when you drive him crazy, and will have him wanting to figure things out when life gets hard for the two of you.

quoted for truth & awesomeness



brees, i think it's awesome you re trying to figure this out . instead of focusing on your b/f and how perfect and great he is, reflect on yourself and all the great qualities you possess..heck, maybe make a list and go over it a few times. hopefully you'll realize how brilliant you are and that you both bring great qualities to the relationship.

[CookAndrewB]

Originally Posted by emsy.

why waste your time worrying & just be happy.
what happens, happens, you know?

Telling people not to worry is like telling them not to breathe. If controlling your emotions were this simple... well, there wouldn't be much need for psychologists would there? Even if she logically KNOWS this guy won't be annoyed and won't leave her, her feelings say something else. Is it an internalized issue? Yes. Does that make it easier to deal with? No.

Not to single you out, but this is the kind of advice that makes guys the f-ed up lunks that you all lament over. This "Suck it up" attitude dulls emotional intelligence. Any of you raising little boys, don't let your husbands EVER say this to your sons. Emotional awareness is an invaluable tool. I'm not saying to let your boys cry and carry on like spoiled princesses, but they need to at least be able to address WHY they are angry, or why they are sad. True enough we often have to "carry on" even when we are sad or hurt, but you have to get away from this idea that if you don't name what is wrong it and don't address the issues that they will suddenly float away to the gumdrop kingdom and be forever forgotten.

Think of it as emotional recycling. There is a lot less trash in the landfills if you can name a bit as "paper" or "glass" and put it to good use (AKA "learning a lesson" or, god forbid, actually confronting and overcoming an issue). Always going to be some trash we miss, but the ability to keep your baggage light is something I think we can all appreciate.

Something to remember about emotion (including love) is that it defies all logic. Emotions just are. Neither wrong nor right, it is what it is. Now, what you do with that emotion is something else.

Originally Posted by nakota

quoted for truth & awesomeness

Eh, what can I say, Ohio rocks

[CookAndrewB]

Originally Posted by Elfie.

Meh...I'm very curious about what makes this guy so special and why you're so botherd about him. WHY do you feel like you have to earn his love? That doesn't put him in the best light. I'm not trying to sound snarky or anything (I promise) I really am genuinely curious!!

Cynical much?

I didn't take away that this guy was demanding such tribute. Bree seems to like to show her love through deeds. Some people are like that. My wife loves to buy me gifts... I don't really care about getting gifts, but I recognize it for what it is. She brings me home a hat from a golf tournament, I smile and thank her. She was thinking about me and that is something I can appreciate. Nevermind the fact that I don't golf, or wear hats She will be the first to admit it was a silly choice for a gift, outside of the fact that I typically burn my shaved little head while doing yard work and that also causes her to worry... so while the gift is a little left handed, it is also very sweet.

I'm not a gift giver myself, but I DO things. I will take my wife's car to get the oil changed, or I will walk the dogs while she sleeps in on Saturday. Why? She is certainly capable of taking care of that stuff, and I'm far from feeling like it is my duty as a man. No, because I know she hates to take her car to the Jiffy Lube, and I know she would rather sleep a while longer and not get awakened by three dogs with floating back teeth.

We all show love in our own ways. As far as I'm concerned some acrobatic sex and home cooking sounds like a fantastic way to be told "I love you"

[Elfie.]

Originally Posted by CookAndrewB

Cynical much?

I didn't take away that this guy was demanding such tribute. Bree seems to like to show her love through deeds. Some people are like that. My wife loves to buy me gifts... I don't really care about getting gifts, but I recognize it for what it is. She brings me home a hat from a golf tournament, I smile and thank her. She was thinking about me and that is something I can appreciate. Nevermind the fact that I don't golf, or wear hats She will be the first to admit it was a silly choice for a gift, outside of the fact that I typically burn my shaved little head while doing yard work and that also causes her to worry... so while the gift is a little left handed, it is also very sweet.

I'm not a gift giver myself, but I DO things. I will take my wife's car to get the oil changed, or I will walk the dogs while she sleeps in on Saturday. Why? She is certainly capable of taking care of that stuff, and I'm far from feeling like it is my duty as a man. No, because I know she hates to take her car to the Jiffy Lube, and I know she would rather sleep a while longer and not get awakened by three dogs with floating back teeth.

We all show love in our own ways. As far as I'm concerned some acrobatic sex and home cooking sounds like a fantastic way to be told "I love you"

I'm not cynical (alright, very slightly ) I'm just not naive.

I get it, yours is a relationship in which both people seem to give 100% effort...most aren't like that. I agree there are lot's of different ways to say "I love you", but more often than not that love is taken for granted and there is almost always one person who loves, gives and appreciates more than the other who just sits back and absorbs everything the poor, helpless, hopeless, idiot has to give. Relationships in which both people give 100% are imo very rare. If you find one, you should probably hang on for dear life.

The fact that she sounds so worried and distressed isn't a good indication...I couldn't imagine feeling that way in a relationship unless I wasn't getting back the love and effort I'm putting in.

Originally Posted by Elfie.

I'm not cynical (alright, very slightly ) I'm just not naive.

I get it, yours is a relationship in which both people seem to give 100% effort...most aren't like that. I agree there are lot's of different ways to say "I love you", but more often than not that love is taken for granted and there is almost always one person who loves, gives and appreciates more than the other who just sits back and absorbs everything the poor, helpless, hopeless, idiot has to give. Relationships in which both people give 100% are imo very rare. If you find one, you should probably hang on for dear life.

The fact that she sounds so worried and distressed isn't a good indication...I couldn't imagine feeling that way in a relationship unless I wasn't getting back the love and effort I'm putting in.

Oh trust me you are cynical all right.

But I agree with you that fact she is so worried and distressed is a big red flag. No way would I get married if I had those kinds of feelings. Marriage isnt easy.

I am with Jaws about being too young. Speaking from my own personal xp here. Although I know you dont want to here it.

[CookAndrewB]

Originally Posted by Elfie.

I'm not cynical (alright, very slightly ) I'm just not naive.

I get it, yours is a relationship in which both people seem to give 100% effort...most aren't like that. I agree there are lot's of different ways to say "I love you", but more often than not that love is taken for granted and there is almost always one person who loves, gives and appreciates more than the other who just sits back and absorbs everything the poor, helpless, hopeless, idiot has to give. Relationships in which both people give 100% are imo very rare. If you find one, you should probably hang on for dear life.

The fact that she sounds so worried and distressed isn't a good indication...I couldn't imagine feeling that way in a relationship unless I wasn't getting back the love and effort I'm putting in.

Ha ha ha... eh, my wife and I try, but we aren't perfect and I doubt we do our best. People aren't perfect, I don't expect to not fight or argue. The sooner you get the "prince charming" ideals out of your head, the better IMO (not directed at you... the grander more general "you"). If you expect your significant other to mind read, they will fail. If you expect them to wait on you hand and foot, they will fail. Truth is that no matter who you are with, they will let you down and hurt you from time to time.

What I hear from the OP, and I'm more than happy to be corrected here, is that she feels a great deal of pressure to be perfect. Perfectionism is an ugly disease, and when we expect that of ourselves... um, we fail So the pressure and stress seems very likely to be self generated.

Originally Posted by aneas

Oh trust me you are cynical all right.

But I agree with you that fact she is so worried and distressed is a big red flag. No way would I get married if I had those kinds of feelings. Marriage isnt easy.

I am with Jaws about being too young. Speaking from my own personal xp here. Although I know you dont want to here it.

Hear it...




As for being too young... eh, when is the right time? You learn best by making mistakes, and the sooner you start making mistakes the more you learn. Not saying people should marry young, but marriage is a lot like having a kid... There isn't going to be a GOOD time for it. Most of us just jump and hope for the best. My marriage has been full of near misses, including an 18 month legal seperation that was on the fast track for divorce. We didn't do anything more amazing than stopping and realizing that we did love each other and that we could get back to drawing up a successful game plan for being married. Yes, we both wanted it, and that doesn't always happen. Still, I've been with my wife (off and on) since I was 15, and I've spent the better part of my life with her at this stage. That is what I'm talking about when I say love isn't logical For every hurt and wrong action we can't seem to be apart. She is the person that matters most to me in this world, even if she is imperfect and crazy and frustrates me to no end on some days. What helped us was giving each other the permission to be crazy and frustrating and imperfect. Everyone in my house (son included) gets to have off days. We apologize sincerely when we aren't at our best, and then we move on.

Works if you work it.

[Elfie.]

Originally Posted by aneas

Oh trust me you are cynical all right.

But I agree with you that fact she is so worried and distressed is a big red flag. No way would I get married if I had those kinds of feelings. Marriage isnt easy.

I am with Jaws about being too young. Speaking from my own personal xp here. Although I know you dont want to here it.

So I'm cynical. Good. I see it as an asset. I watched my mother go through the exact scenario I described throughout my entire childhood and I promised myself I'd never let it happen to me and I won't.

I have no idea how old OP is but I suppose in most cases the longer you wait and the more experience in life (and in love) you aquire the better.

Why wouldn't I want to hear what you have to say? I like it when people express their opinions, even though they may differ from my own.

Hear it...

/QUOTE]

Did you miss my title it clearly states Grammar Fool which means no rules apply to me. Should be a stick around here somewhere clearly stating that fact.

Lets be honest you have been with your wife so long cause no one else will have ya.

Actually I can relate to what you say. Been with my wife for almost 17 years.

[CookAndrewB]

Originally Posted by Elfie.

So I'm cynical. Good. I see it as an asset. I watched my mother go through the exact scenario I described throughout my entire childhood and I promised myself I'd never let it happen to me and I won't.

I have no idea how old OP is but I suppose in most cases the longer you wait and the more experience in life (and in love) you aquire the better.

Why wouldn't I want to hear what you have to say? I like it when people express their opinions, even though they may differ from my own.

Ah yes... everyone wants to be friends with a porcupine

Originally Posted by aneas

Lets be honest you have been with your wife so long cause no one else will have ya.

Yes, well, my wife has me trained just the way she likes me. If I were to go live somewhere else I would just get confused and urinate in a corner.

[Elfie.]

Originally Posted by CookAndrewB

Ah yes... everyone wants to be friends with a porcupine

I'd love to hear your reasoning behind calling me a porcupine...I've always seen myself as more of a hedgehog really.

[CookAndrewB]

Originally Posted by Elfie.

I'd love to hear your reasoning behind calling me a porcupine...I've always seen myself as more of a hedgehog really.

Hard to get close to anyone that is always protecting themself. Eventually people just get the message "don't come near" and that's that. I'm certain that porcupines can be sweet an cute, but most people don't approach them.

[dunkonu9]

Originally Posted by Elfie.

So if she doesn't act like his maid and give him acrobatic cracked out sex while he lies there like a vegetable *not saying he does* he'll f*ck around on her? Ah L'Amour.

Not exactly saying that just saying it helps the cause.

It is like this you have a car you just put gas in it don't get the oil changed or do any kind of maintenance. Now of course that can be fine and reliable and run forever.

Then you have a car. You take it in every 3,000 for the oil change, lube, and all scheduled check ups. Now this car may still just break down one day but this car will probably run good and be very reliable for years.


Like what you wrote because thoughts of you being my acrobatic maid are stuck in my head now.

[BreesieBabby]

I'd like to say that I'm more insecure about what I bring to the table, and how I could possible deserve him. it's just an inferiority complex that I'm not too proud of... he tells me everyday that I am desirable and that he loves all of my silly little quirks and will do his best to prove to me that I AM beautiful and wonderful in my own way.

It's not that he makes me feel this way, it's that he is just so great, that it makes me think more about myself and what I can bring to the relationship.

I'm slowly learning that I just need to relax and let things flow where they may.

I'm 20 going on 21 in Nov. I'm not getting married for a couple more years and kids are a thought, but not one we plan to set in motion until our careers are set.

I love this man's family, for better or worse, and he KINDA likes mine... I guess. He just needs to spend more time with them.

I've been protecting myself from men for a while now, and now I've found the guy.

[emsy.]

Originally Posted by cookandrewb

telling people not to worry is like telling them not to breathe. If controlling your emotions were this simple... Well, there wouldn't be much need for psychologists would there? Even if she logically knows this guy won't be annoyed and won't leave her, her feelings say something else. Is it an internalized issue? Yes. Does that make it easier to deal with? No.

Not to single you out, but this is the kind of advice that makes guys the f-ed up lunks that you all lament over. This "suck it up" attitude dulls emotional intelligence. Any of you raising little boys, don't let your husbands ever say this to your sons. Emotional awareness is an invaluable tool. I'm not saying to let your boys cry and carry on like spoiled princesses, but they need to at least be able to address why they are angry, or why they are sad. True enough we often have to "carry on" even when we are sad or hurt, but you have to get away from this idea that if you don't name what is wrong it and don't address the issues that they will suddenly float away to the gumdrop kingdom and be forever forgotten.

Think of it as emotional recycling. There is a lot less trash in the landfills if you can name a bit as "paper" or "glass" and put it to good use (aka "learning a lesson" or, god forbid, actually confronting and overcoming an issue). Always going to be some trash we miss, but the ability to keep your baggage light is something i think we can all appreciate.

something to remember about emotion (including love) is that it defies all logic. Emotions just are. Neither wrong nor right, it is what it is. Now, what you do with that emotion is something else.

didn't read.