Breaking Free.....for Me! :)

[kitebean]

And while we are on the 'tough love for Tara' theme, I've just got to say this....following on from Mango....and again please, please don't be insulted.....

Originally Posted by Mango

Going through the motions of life--please, please don't be insulted, but getting your degree, getting your teaching job, getting married, losing weight, going to church, joining a book club, joining a choir, busying yourself with all of these activities....

when you mentioned a few weeks back about having a baby, I nearly choked on my coffee...

dearest Tara, THAT is DEFINETLY not the ANSWER!! of course, it is a beautiful and joyous and wonderful thing, but a child is not the answer to TARA.....I know this sounds HARSH but it would just be another anchor to your current state, and that state is broken.

[moisy]

Good morning Tara

There are some very very wise words of advice in here and I hope that you take them to heart I agree that there is more going on here than is 100% apparent and it would be a good idea to talk to someone about the root problem of why you are saboutaging your efforts. Everyone cares and wants to see you happy and in a good state of being

Maybe once school is over [11 days to go], you can start focusing on you and solving the real issues at hand ... no excuses ... just a long hard look at what is going

[Miranda]

Originally Posted by Mango

I know Miranda is harsh

^^ i might want to elaborate on this a bit. my 'attack' re faith wasn't directed at you specifically. i just happen to think rendering yourself passive in hopes that someone else will fix your problems is inane 'advice'. it encourages helplessness and i don't give a jack poo who mandates it. people who choose to be helpless seriously piss me off. sorry.

you say that you 'enjoy life' but i don't believe that. if you're happy, why vent and whine here then? huh? if you were content with the way you are, your posts would be chock full of sunshine and positivity - others can read between the lines. and don't come up with that bull**** that your 'weight' (obsessiveness etc.) isn't intertwined with other issues in your life. that is full-on denial.

my life isn't much but it doesn't hinder me from enjoying it and myself to the full. with all the crap that has happened to me - how many posts full of total self-pity can you find? yes, Miranda is the measure of all things attitude is more important than reality.

[kitebean]

Originally Posted by Miranda

Miranda is the measure of all things

ROFLMAO

but in a good way

[twinnett]

Well, yet again, I don't want to get all defensive, which is my first instinct. Getting told that there is something "wrong" with me, that I"m weak and self pitying...that I sabatoge myself, that I"m not living, that I'm miserable...is hard to hear I will admit.

I just don't see the deeper thing going on that all of you apparently do...I'm over weight right now, which sucks, but it is not affecting my life to the degree that you all seem to think it is. I'm not bingeing or sabotoging myself...whether you believe that or not is your opinion. I'm eating healthy, I"m working out...not much more I can do other than to stay consistent and let it happen..other than that, I AM happy...there are things that suck sometimes and I over react, but such is life..

As for the baby thing, we realize we're not ready right now...I just want to get my body balanced so that it can happen when we ARE ready..

I know your thoughts on religion Miranda, but I don't feel that it is making me weaker. I don't depend on God to do things for me. I know that I am in charge of changing myself and changing my life if I choose to do so..

That all being said, I don't know if this is the place for me anymore. It's not that I want to feel like I"m "running away", but I just don't know what to say in this journal anymore...I know you guys are being honest and telling me what you really think and I appreciate it, but there's not much to talk about anymore..noone wants to hear what I ate or what my workout was, and you all tend to think I"m hiding some inner "secret" about why I'm not losing weight...like I"m secretly eating dozens of cookies at night or something..I don't know....I just don't know

[Miranda]

Originally Posted by twinnett

I just don't see the deeper thing going on that all of you apparently do...

try harder

Originally Posted by Tara

I'm not bingeing or sabotoging myself......like I"m secretly eating dozens of cookies at night or something..

i think you quite conveniently forgot you said this -->

Originally Posted by Tara

I do really good for a long time, then I have a day where I either stop caring or don't think it's working and I blow it by going like 1000 cals over maintance, which blows my defecit for the week...then I usually conveniently "forget" this...it's not usually a binge...just eating way too much!

so if it's not a 'binge' you're not sabotaging yourself?

i like to call my dog turds sausages. they smell better that way.

[vanillabn]

Originally Posted by twinnett

That all being said, I don't know if this is the place for me anymore. It's not that I want to feel like I"m "running away", but I just don't know what to say in this journal anymore...I know you guys are being honest and telling me what you really think and I appreciate it, but there's not much to talk about anymore..noone wants to hear what I ate or what my workout was, and you all tend to think I"m hiding some inner "secret" about why I'm not losing weight...like I"m secretly eating dozens of cookies at night or something..I don't know....I just don't know

I hope you don't really feel that way, Tara... the comments made so far are driven by people who genuinely care about you! We DO want to hear about your workouts... and regardless of anything else going on, your journal should be a place where you can write about the good with the bad... it's your own. It must be frustrating for you right now but I hope you'll stick around and continue writing in your journal - because I know I for one would really miss you if you stopped!

[IronMaiden1522]

^^^^ X2

I agree with VB. I believe everyone (including I )genuinely cares about you. So yes, it is a BB forum/journal, but its also more than that and goes deeper. So its ok if you want to talk about other things in here. And I do care about your workouts and what you eat. I love hearing about the things you cook, and what is going on in school and the band, hearing about your family outings (including Bailey ), the list goes on. To be honest if all I read everyday in peoples journals was lifted this X number of times and ate this, and that was it, well it would be boring. As much as I am interested in what people ate and their exercises its the thoughts, emotions, joys and hardships we all go through are what make you all real people to me!

So do what you please, but if you stop posting don't do it because you are scared of everyone judging you. We are your friends and just want the best.

[twinnett]

Originally Posted by Miranda

try harder

i think you quite conveniently forgot you said this -->

so if it's not a 'binge' you're not sabotaging yourself?

i like to call my dog turds sausages. they smell better that way.

I didn't forget I said that....that's what I was doing to get where I am now...I am in a better place though..I've been consistant for a good 2 months now with my diet and exercise....I'm not saying that my actions had no part in the weight gain..there are a lot of factors involved in it and I WILL get to the root of it

Originally Posted by vanillabn

I hope you don't really feel that way, Tara... the comments made so far are driven by people who genuinely care about you! We DO want to hear about your workouts... and regardless of anything else going on, your journal should be a place where you can write about the good with the bad... it's your own. It must be frustrating for you right now but I hope you'll stick around and continue writing in your journal - because I know I for one would really miss you if you stopped!

Originally Posted by IronMaiden1522

^^^^ X2

I agree with VB. I believe everyone (including I )genuinely cares about you. So yes, it is a BB forum/journal, but its also more than that and goes deeper. So its ok if you want to talk about other things in here. And I do care about your workouts and what you eat. I love hearing about the things you cook, and what is going on in school and the band, hearing about your family outings (including Bailey ), the list goes on. To be honest if all I read everyday in peoples journals was lifted this X number of times and ate this, and that was it, well it would be boring. As much as I am interested in what people ate and their exercises its the thoughts, emotions, joys and hardships we all go through are what make you all real people to me!

So do what you please, but if you stop posting don't do it because you are scared of everyone judging you. We are your friends and just want the best.

I appreciate that, but I have to say, I DO feel judged and I've always been super sensitive..one of my many faults..I'm actually quite embarassed right now

[twinnett]

So today was really stressful...somehow, there is a bunch of money missing that I"m supposed to use to pay the laser tag place where I'm taking the kids this weekend for the lock in...I'm really scared b/c it should be in the school safe where I put it...there's like 1000 dollars missing!!!!

My students were crazy out of control today..I know it's almost the end of the year, but it was bad! I usually like to be very laid back and relaxed...not one of those yelling teachers..but they're really starting to test my patience!!

On my way home, it was like everyone was conspiring against me..I go to the ATM and leave the card in the machine, so I had to turn around and go into the bank..got a call from the grocery store that my transaction didn't process so I had to go back there and pay....followed not one, not 2, but 3 school busses making stops roughly every 3.4 feet...got every red light...lol....I'm starting to believe in that Secret stuff...

I'm finally home, got my preworkout meal in and ready to hit the gym for legs and some cardio. I'm supposed to go to my church choir tonight, walk Bailey, get ready for tomorrow...

Band concert tomorrow night...I'm a little nervous about how it's going to go, but at least it will be over!!

Food was good today....I'm really into smoothies lately with the warm weather setting in..

1: smoothie: whey, yogurt, berries, almond butter, fish oils
2: tuna, green beans
3: chicken, salad, low carb wrap, evoo
preworkout: smoothie: whey, yogurt, berries, fish oils
post workout: coffee/skim milk/whey
4: brown rice wrap, egg whites, LF cheese, veggies

I"m just trying to get some consistency down so I can gauge what's really going on....staying around 1600-1800 calories and we'll see how it goes...

[Miranda]

Originally Posted by twinnett

I didn't forget I said that....that's what I was doing to get where I am now...I am in a better place though..I've been consistant for a good 2 months now with my diet and exercise....I'm not saying that my actions had no part in the weight gain

yes. but it is confusing to hear you say that you haven't 'binged' (which caused your fat gain in the first place) in months and yet keep gaining weight/fat. like there's some voodoo going on. then you admit, that yes, you DO in fact eat at or over maintenance. deliberate dishonesty in writing is called 'lying' for short. tends to piss people off.

i don't doubt you might have some hormonal issues going on. but hormones on their own do NOT make you fat - energy intake in excess of expenditure makes you fat. no-one on this planet escapes that fact.

why not save some money to get your RMR and fasting blood glucose/tolerance tested? that way you'll have real numbers instead of guesstimates. plus you'd have some idea whether you're insulin sensitive/resistant/normal.

you might also - and this is a mere suggestion so don't shoot me - eat a few days at low-er calories, just to see what happens. such a short period certainly won't stall your metabolism or whack you in 'starvation mode' or some such sort bull. just make sure you won't overeat later to 'reset' <--- or talk yourself into other stupid ideas afterwards. edit: i remember now you did RFL for a few days. well, it 'helped' didn't it?

as it is, it is not the food, it is how you deal with it.

. . . and some of this or all of this . . . means taking action. pray while you're at it if you want but give yourself the credit, dammit

[imperfectly_lou]

I've sat back for a few days now and not said anything, but I feel I need to say something now....

Please do not feel judged Tara. True friends are those that can point out things to us and help us see things in perhaps a better or different light. They don't just sit back and let us continue to play the victim or tell us "things will pass" when they obviously haven't over the past 12 months for you.

You say you're happy with life and there is no deep underlying issue... and that may well be true, but let me just point out some key facts that YOU have posted yourself...

1. You are stuck in a career you don't enjoy and wish to do something else.
2. You are stuck in a dead end marriage with a man who you may love, but are not "in love with", have no intimacy with or even wish to, or even any common interests.
3. You often say you wish you had girlfriends to do more things with.
4. You're a chronic people pleaser, particularly when it comes to your mother, and run yourself ragged looking after others (a worthy attribute I agree, but not always conducive to a happy state of mind).

Now, if you are happy with all of the above, then more power to you! I know I wouldn't be, but that is me, and it's not my life.... And don't give me any rubbish about it being "God's way" or that prayer will get you through because if there truly is a God, he wouldn't want people being unhappy, that's just a load of crock and a further example of victimology.

Now, you may hate me for pointing out these cold hard facts, and I truly hope you don't because I am only trying to help because I feel you are a good person and deserve to be happy, but only you can make the choice to do so, because at the moment, you seem content to either live in denail or wallow in self pity.

[twinnett]

Well, yes, there are things that aren't perfect in my life or the way I would have planned them...Drew and I are working at our relationship and it is improving day by day. I realized that I do love him and I do NOT want to divorce, so we're making efforts to get closer and it's working

As for my job, I get frustrated and feel like I'm not doing a great job at it, but I think that it COULD be a job that I love, once I figure things out and get organized.

I guess the biggest sabatoge I make in ANYTHING that I do is my lack of confidence in myself...I'm always using self deprecating humor...never feeling like I can do anything right..I guess when I think about it, I'm so afraid of failing at things, that I never give 100%. I "get by" at most things b/c I"m pretty intelligent and a good procrastinator....lol...but things are catching up to me..burying my head in the sand regarding finances, not being as organized as I should at work, letting house work and yardwork slide, etc.....when I get overwhelmed, my first instinct is to ignore the real issue and start micromanaging my workouts and diet...then I second guess my micromanaged plan and start yet another one...repeat cycle endlessly and here I am...no progress on the fat loss and still stressed out over money...

I guess I just think that there's something "wrong" with me and that I won't lose fat, so I get frustrated too quickly

So I've made steps to get the finances under control...we're working on reducing our debt and limiting our spending..I'm making plans to get more organized at work and do things better there...in the future, maybe I"ll have the freedom to do something different if I choose to, but for right now, I have to face facts that I need to stay where I am for the money, insurance and job security.

And yes, I've made excuses...I"m not proud of that...I'm not proud of not sticking with anything long enough to actually see if it works..I've made plenty of mistakes...I understand that all of you must be frustrated at seeing me jump from one thing to another and I understand that you're trying to help me get to the root of why I'm not acheiving my goals...I know that I'll thank you all when I finally figure stuff out...for not just letting me leave "my head up my ass" as Miranda so eloquently put it...for facing the "icky" things and not backing down from a challenge and not being afraid to really go for it..in ALL aspects of life...

So the plan is just to "be" for awhile...I'm still going to track calories so that I can see where I'm at and where I can tweak things..I'm not going to have a set "plan" though..I'm just going to shoot for a range...Your idea of eating less calories for a while is a good one Miranda...I did a few days of RFL, then of course, got frustrated..but I saw that I didn't go into starvation mode in a few days and I survived..lol

ANyway, long post..sorry..no money for therapy, so I'll work it out in writing..consistency is my new mantra...and yes, I will pray...but not for God to "fix" me, but for him to give me the strength to fix myself..and we'll share credit...

[jaim91]

I'm glad you've realized a lot of things about yourself Tara...sounds like a step in the right direction towards and happy and healthy future

[indiglo9124]

Sounds like taking action to me!!

kick butt tara, your totally worth it!!

[Megin]

Originally Posted by twinnett

and yes, I will pray...but not for God to "fix" me, but for him to give me the strength to fix myself..and we'll share credit...

<slams head on desk>

Don't share credit because someone told you to share credit .. do so because YOU believe in sharing credit

I am not taking a stance to any Religion in this thread .. but I see this a lot and find it frustrating..
Don't back down on your religion for any reason other than YOU

1. Sharing credit is good.
2.Taking all credit for yourself is good.
3.Giving all credit to 'x' is good.
or they could all be bad .. for you to determine

I have seen you on the 'give all credit to 'x'' in many posts.
And that is good (see #1-3) .. Maybe there is an 'x' .. maybe there is a 'y' .. maybe nothing. Doesn't matter.
But don't let a few comments from other members sway your belief. If you believe in something, believe in it..

Morphing to the flow of conversation will create quite a bit of contradictions within yourself --> lead to trouble throughout other areas in life [school, work, marriage, weight loss, etc]

Don't swallow fish oils because someone told you to .. do so because YOU believe they will help.
Don't believe you are bloated because someone told you that ... or that you only gained / lost water weight, etc.

Search for your own truth. Listen to the opposing side. There isn't always a need to argue your side.. you believe in 'x' .. continue to believe in 'x'
I don't have issues with what people believe in / don't believe in .. but I have issues with flip flopping to suit the people around

My peace..

[vanessa40]

I don't have any advice to give you Tara because we both know i have my problems too. I just wanted you to know i was reading and thinking of you..
You take care..

[mcj]

Hi Tara - Just reading up...lots of great advice from the "greats" of this board (ie: Miranda, Lou, Kitebean). I think all of the things you've stated in your last post are great. I wish you all the best in getting yourself to a happier place. I won't begin to give any advice because I've been gone so long but one thing I did find is that these boards CAN tend to make one focus, obsess, constant reminder..whatever you want to call it...of diet, calories, body image, etc. You can't come on here without thinking about it! So maybe give yourself a break from it every now and then (you don't have to leave completely) and continue to improve and make friends and relationships having nothing to do with diet, bodybuilding, etc., to keep you balanced. It might be refreshing! It's not to say there is anything wrong with these boards, or that you can't still love everyone here and all the fun lifting, life, etc., stories. But just something different. This might already be on your list - but just a thought.

[twinnett]

Originally Posted by indiglo9124

Sounds like taking action to me!!

kick butt tara, your totally worth it!!

Thanks Val...

Originally Posted by Megin

<slams head on desk>

Don't share credit because someone told you to share credit .. do so because YOU believe in sharing credit

I am not taking a stance to any Religion in this thread .. but I see this a lot and find it frustrating..
Don't back down on your religion for any reason other than YOU

1. Sharing credit is good.
2.Taking all credit for yourself is good.
3.Giving all credit to 'x' is good.
or they could all be bad .. for you to determine

I have seen you on the 'give all credit to 'x'' in many posts.
And that is good (see #1-3) .. Maybe there is an 'x' .. maybe there is a 'y' .. maybe nothing. Doesn't matter.
But don't let a few comments from other members sway your belief. If you believe in something, believe in it..

Morphing to the flow of conversation will create quite a bit of contradictions within yourself --> lead to trouble throughout other areas in life [school, work, marriage, weight loss, etc]

Don't swallow fish oils because someone told you to .. do so because YOU believe they will help.
Don't believe you are bloated because someone told you that ... or that you only gained / lost water weight, etc.

Search for your own truth. Listen to the opposing side. There isn't always a need to argue your side.. you believe in 'x' .. continue to believe in 'x'
I don't have issues with what people believe in / don't believe in .. but I have issues with flip flopping to suit the people around

My peace..

Oh I totally agree Megin...I'm not backing down on my beliefs or my religion at all..I just don't want to argue about it honestly...Miranda has her beliefs and I won't/don't want to change them..not afraid of a debate..just don't really want one..

Originally Posted by vanessa40

I don't have any advice to give you Tara because we both know i have my problems too. I just wanted you to know i was reading and thinking of you..
You take care..

Thanks Vanessa

[twinnett]

Originally Posted by mcj

Hi Tara - Just reading up...lots of great advice from the "greats" of this board (ie: Miranda, Lou, Kitebean). I think all of the things you've stated in your last post are great. I wish you all the best in getting yourself to a happier place. I won't begin to give any advice because I've been gone so long but one thing I did find is that these boards CAN tend to make one focus, obsess, constant reminder..whatever you want to call it...of diet, calories, body image, etc. You can't come on here without thinking about it! So maybe give yourself a break from it every now and then (you don't have to leave completely) and continue to improve and make friends and relationships having nothing to do with diet, bodybuilding, etc., to keep you balanced. It might be refreshing! It's not to say there is anything wrong with these boards, or that you can't still love everyone here and all the fun lifting, life, etc., stories. But just something different. This might already be on your list - but just a thought.

Thanks for weighing in Mary..I agree that these boards tend to make you think that you need to be "hardcore" and super strict all the time...you see everyone looking awesome and it can get you too focused on the body sometimes...

[kitebean]

Originally Posted by twinnett

Thanks for weighing in Mary..

YaY for Mary!!!! *waves*

but

Originally Posted by twinnett

I agree that these boards tend to make you think that you need to be "hardcore" and super strict all the time...you see everyone looking awesome and it can get you too focused on the body sometimes...

hmmm I wouldn't call many people here hardcore and super strict at all! (with the exception of Joan!) do you really think that Tara? We are all fallable humans who have ups and downs and good days and bad days and struggles and victories. See that, accept it, embrace it, and be happy in that reality we are here to help each other on the path - but we are all on our own journey, and comparing yourself to ANYONE ELSE at any level is silly, futile, and illogical.

[twinnett]

That's the thing....I don't WANT to compare, but I know that I do...and I know not everyone on here is super strict and that everyone has their bad days...I'm continually working at being at peace with who I am and happy on my journey...it's a lifelong journey, so I'd better enjoy it!!

I have made progress...3 yrs ago, my whole day would have been ruined by missing cardio..I actually used to cry if I didn't do at least an hour of cardio every day!

[AbramsAM]

Hi
Left you a message

[Miranda]

Originally Posted by twinnett

Miranda has her beliefs

just to irk you a bit: i don't have 'beliefs' - i have a train of thought based on logic; indeed influenced by others. it is plastic, not absolute.

if you can present solid, logical argumentation to oppose or otherwise impact my train of thought i have no probs adjusting it. always keep an open mind.

[IronMaiden1522]

Whats going on this weekend Tara? Isn't it a long weekend for the US?

[moisy]

I hope you are enjoying your long weekend ... relaxation, fun and family!!

[imperfectly_lou]

How was your weekend tara?

[kitebean]

Hope you had a nice weekend! Is the weather good???

[twinnett]

I have the day off today, which is great...I haven't gotten much done around the house like I wanted to this weekend. Saturday, we had an outdoor concert/fundraiser and I spent all day helping set up for that..left school around 10:30PM and had to go right to Laser Quest for the overnighter...85 middle school kids..phew..it wasn't too bad though..pretty fun..I played laser tag (3rd place out of 30 my first time!), sang some karoke, played some video games and chatted with the parents who stayed. The kids had a lot of fun...I got caught up on who was "dating"..lol.. I had 6 pizzas left over, which was surprising. I thought for sure they'd eat it all..

Yesterday, after sleeping a bit, I hit the gym for legs, then went to see "Angels and Demons" with Phil. I thought it was better than "The DaVinci Code". I liked both books

I have off today for Memorial Day, so I'm going to the gym here in a bit. We're probably having a cookout at my parents'. It's their anniversary today...I need to post some pics of Phil's puppy..it's getting so big and cute..

I only have 8 days of school left with the kids. I'm not sure how I"m going to keep them occupied..if only I could get them to just clean and organize the band room..lol...

Still looking for a summer job...the cleaning thing didn't work out I guess..haven't heard anything about it..

I have book club this week..we're reading "The Shack", which is a very interesting and different outlook on God. It's a great read

Workouts have been good, but my knees have really been hurting lately. I need to stretch more, as always

Just going back to the basics diet wise..in December, I was doing well just keeping starchy carbs post workout and eating a lot of veggies, fruits, protein, fats, etc. at other times..my usual overcomplication of diet matters is really not necessary at the point I"m at..it may be fun on paper..lol..but I just need to be consistant, stay active and stop overthinking all of it...

[AbramsAM]

OOhh - I liked The Shack Is this the first time that you are reading it? For some reason I thought you read it already.

I remember those all-nighters as a kid - those were fun.

Hope you enjoy your day off!