husband issue (serious)

[MetalMommy]

soo i have a small issue. im kinda venting. sometimes it bothers me more than others. but tonight its getting to me...my husband is a good man, a good provider, and i konw he loves me....but he is really insensitive...and somtimes will just seem to say **** my feelings and he doesnt care..and eh'll tell me "its how i am, im not a pussy"

tonight he got off of work.he had a long day and its saturday (he had to fill in for a guard shift thing) so i had dinner ready...and he complained about dinner and didnt even eat it (it was low sodium veggies, noodles with some cheese and sliced veggies and a lean roast)..i had a movie fo rus to relax with, and he complained that he already seen it before when he was in the field with his company and spent most of the tim teling me he didnt like the movie...then when he laid down in the bed, me and the baby laid down in bed with him and i went to cuddle with him and he rolled over really fast and i said wth and he in a really rude abrupt voice said I WANT TO GO TO SLEEP. i didnt get a hug...an i love you...a kiss..nothing when he was back home...

so for me..it kinda hurt my feelings cause he just..complained all night that what i did wasnt good enough and instaed of asking me nicely to give him a goodnight kiss and tell me he wanted to just go to bed, he had to talk to me like that.

i just wish he was a bit more sensitive sometimes and maybe went the extra mile sometimes. too add in he had some terrible previous relationships that really betrayed him and that is why he isnt sensitive now, he told me he used to be mr. super romantic...ive never seen it....all the ex's ruined it

[FameGirl]

I think he's just taking his long day out on you. I'm guilty of that sometimes!

Try talking to him tomorrow when he has cooled off and really stress how much that hurt your feelings. For me atleast, when I take a step back and someone tells me exactly how it makes them feel I'm like , "wow, i really was acting like a jerk."

Try to realize he was just grumpy and didn't mean to act that way to you. He should really be more sensitive though, but it seems like he built up a wall which can make that really difficult.


I can really relate with your husband. I do things to my boyfriend like that ALL THE TIME. It's a defense mechanism i've set up due to being hurt in the past. Like emotionally numbing yourself. I find it's very hard for me to break these old habits, and I need the other person to calmly point out how I made them feel so I can try to improve upon this. Not trying to tell my life story, but bear that in mind that it's hard to "change" when someone is so used to doing things a certain way.

Feel better

[BuffedWildCat]

My husband can be the same way at times. It's actually nice to know that I'm not the only one who has a husband who acts similarly.

Anyway, what I usually do, is wait until another time when I know for sure he's in a good mood, then bring it up to him to talk about. I review the incident with him and tell him how it hurt my feelings and that I feel like he doesn't appreciate me, that I work my ass off and when I got that kind of action in return from him it upset and angered me and then I'd ask him if he thinks you deserve that kind of treatment. In the past when I have done this my husband has admitted he screwed up and basically agreed to work on it, to try and be more sensitive to my feelings and appreciate me.

[Keltron]

Originally Posted by BuffedWildCat

My husband can be the same way at times. It's actually nice to know that I'm not the only one who has a husband who acts similarly.

Anyway, what I usually do, is wait until another time when I know for sure he's in a good mood, then bring it up to him to talk about. I review the incident with him and tell him how it hurt my feelings and that I feel like he doesn't appreciate me, that I work my ass off and when I got that kind of action in return from him it upset and angered me and then I'd ask him if he thinks you deserve that kind of treatment. In the past when I have done this my husband has admitted he screwed up and basically agreed to work on it, to try and be more sensitive to my feelings and appreciate me.

I agree... waiting until both parties are in a good mood makes the guilty party more open to criticism and will help them understand how the other party feels. Another thing that might help is telling him how you feel in the form of an email... Sometimes, when you try to get something across face to face, the other person might interrupt you with a counterpoint which will lead to tangents and what not..

An email or a note will give him a chance to really understand how you feel. It can help get your point across w/o emotions getting in the way.

[MetalMommy]

i let him go to sleep and didnt bother it anymore...

notes dont work..he reads it, throws ita way..doesnt reply...


if i talk to him...most likely i get the "here it comes" every once inawhile he said he would work on it...its hard to get to that point..but sometimes. i baked him cookies...so at least he'll wake up to homemade cookies, that always warms a sweets lovers heart lol

[BuffedWildCat]

Well if he isn't willing to work on it then he shouldn't be married cause EVERY relationship takes WORK, plain and simple. BOTH parties have to be WILLING to COMPROMISE. I mean dang, if you really love the other person then wouldn't you want him/her to be happy? I think I have said that to my hubby before, something like, "don't you want me to be happy?" Cause the answer should be an unequivocal YES cause that's what loving someone and a relationship is all about.

[MetalMommy]

i just have to be careful about how i approach him.

he's told mei can have a very "strong, intimidating" feeling to me and sometimes he feels like i come at him throwing daggers..and i really dont mean to.

so i have to make sure i word things correctly because mr. insensitive is actually very sensitive to feeling like im attacking him and then he gets defensive on him. ill be the sweet wife and make him breadfast in bed, makehis coffee for him, etc etc...and lightly in a non attacking way bring up that he hurt my feelings even though i know he didnt mean to.

[kimm4]

My goodness if he keeps this up...he should be adding another terrible relationship to his list.

He'd be cooking his own dinner and baking his own f****** cookies if it were me lol!!

You don't seem like the type of woman who would even put up with that kind of crap...

In my 13 yrs or marriage I've never nor has my husband ever treated me like that...(even if we've had a bad day!) We just have this amazing respect for one another. He kisses me every morning, every time he leaves the house and every night before bed...he's never missed a day in the 13 yrs we've been married

I hope it all works out.

[MetalMommy]

thats the thing..im a very diffret woman with him...than anyone else....

with anyone else and all my past ex's....im kinda grr ..lol.

with him...i let him get away with a lot. maybe thats why he's like this...ive let him do it

he usualy kisses me goodnight...and when he leaves...but tonight..i left the room and i was not going back in their unless he called and he initiated.

[BuffedWildCat]

Originally Posted by MetalMommy

i just have to be careful about how i approach him.

he's told mei can have a very "strong, intimidating" feeling to me and sometimes he feels like i come at him throwing daggers..and i really dont mean to.

so i have to make sure i word things correctly because mr. insensitive is actually very sensitive to feeling like im attacking him and then he gets defensive on him. ...

Ah, yes, I have to do the same. It's the same with anybody really, it's all in the wording, your attitude, basically your whole demeanor as to whether the other person feels the need to be on the defensive right away. I have to be tactful too when I approach my husband about stuff like that. Well, good luck, if you bring it up in such a way as to not put him on the defensive AND he really cares about you then you two should be able to work it out. I mean of course it's not going to be an instant fix, I'm sure it's something he'll always be having to work on but if you can get him to realize how his actions made you feel and he commits to trying to change, then you've made progress. Again, it's a compromise, my husband now tries to be more aware of how he is acting towards me and I also have learned just to leave him be whenever he's had a bad day and not to take some of the things he says and does too personally cause I now know that it's the stress coming out of him and not that he actually means to make me feel like crap.

[kimm4]

Originally Posted by MetalMommy

thats the thing..im a very diffret woman with him...than anyone else....

with anyone else and all my past ex's....im kinda grr ..lol.

with him...i let him get away with a lot. maybe thats why he's like this...ive let him do it

he usualy kisses me goodnight...and when he leaves...but tonight..i left the room and i was not going back in their unless he called and he initiated.

why are you so different with him as opposed to your other relationships.

i've always been the same kind of woman in all my relationships...i scare the hell out of men...including my husband lol

[MetalMommy]

maybe because the others couldnt handle it....

maybe because he was so hurt his entire life...i wanted to heal every wound on his heart no matter how many wounds it gave me.

i went from hardcore army girl ultra independent.......to housewife....

[Fitnbklyn]

Is he always like this? If its an all the time thing and it leaves you feeling like crap then you guys need to seriously talk it out. A bad day is a bad day but there are certain things that that shouldn't effect. Hope your feeling ok.

Originally Posted by MetalMommy

soo i have a small issue. im kinda venting. sometimes it bothers me more than others. but tonight its getting to me...my husband is a good man, a good provider, and i konw he loves me....but he is really insensitive...and somtimes will just seem to say **** my feelings and he doesnt care..and eh'll tell me "its how i am, im not a pussy"

tonight he got off of work.he had a long day and its saturday (he had to fill in for a guard shift thing) so i had dinner ready...and he complained about dinner and didnt even eat it (it was low sodium veggies, noodles with some cheese and sliced veggies and a lean roast)..i had a movie fo rus to relax with, and he complained that he already seen it before when he was in the field with his company and spent most of the tim teling me he didnt like the movie...then when he laid down in the bed, me and the baby laid down in bed with him and i went to cuddle with him and he rolled over really fast and i said wth and he in a really rude abrupt voice said I WANT TO GO TO SLEEP. i didnt get a hug...an i love you...a kiss..nothing when he was back home...

so for me..it kinda hurt my feelings cause he just..complained all night that what i did wasnt good enough and instaed of asking me nicely to give him a goodnight kiss and tell me he wanted to just go to bed, he had to talk to me like that.

i just wish he was a bit more sensitive sometimes and maybe went the extra mile sometimes. too add in he had some terrible previous relationships that really betrayed him and that is why he isnt sensitive now, he told me he used to be mr. super romantic...ive never seen it....all the ex's ruined it

[MetalMommy]

he's not like that every day.



nights are always we lay in bed, watch tv for half hour. i get a little bit of cuddling then we kiss, i say i lov eyou, he says i love you back and we go to sleep..not him being a dick saying I WANT TO SLEEP

[BuffedWildCat]

Originally Posted by Fitnbklyn

Is he always like this? If its an all the time thing and it leaves you feeling like crap then you guys need to seriously talk it out. A bad day is a bad day but there are certain things that that shouldn't effect. Hope your feeling ok.

I agree. My husband has been insensitive at times but never to that extent, if he ever was, I honestly wouldn't put up with it, I'd be putting my foot down. I've done that in the past when he's snapped at me for something totally uncalled for. I've told him straight out before that I don't deserve to be treated that way.

The women who put up with stuff like that are usually those women who continually find themselves in abusive relationships. You have to stick up for yourself and know you deserve better treatment than that, cause nobody else will.

[MetalMommy]

well ...were talking tomorrow.

[BuffedWildCat]

You'll have to let us know how it goes. I know I'll check cause I'll be bored out of my mind again tomorrow since hubby is out of town and it's supposed to rain so I'll be stuck inside with my two kids.

[Beefcupcake]

Originally Posted by MetalMommy

maybe because the others couldnt handle it....

maybe because he was so hurt his entire life...i wanted to heal every wound on his heart no matter how many wounds it gave me.

i went from hardcore army girl ultra independent.......to housewife....

Maybe he misses the hardcore army girl he fell in love with and is bored with the housewife?

Men love women with a spark ... be yourself! Don't be anybody's doormat no matter how much they were hurt in the past. He's an adult and he should realize that you're not like the other women that hurt him. Maybe he was this same way in the other relationships and he screwed them up with his awful attitude. He's his own worst enemy.... it's time for him to grow up and stop playing the victim!

[imperfectly_lou]

How long did you date before you got married? 24 is so young, I couldn't imagine being married so young..... but it is a bit different here in Australia where the average age of marriage is 30.

[kimm4]

I don't care how stressful your job is...if you have a **** day at work...the best part of your day should be coming home to your loving spouse and children. My husband works in corrections and is around murderers and rapist all day long...so you can only imagine the stress and crap he puts up with daily.

Complaining about the nice dinner she made him and bitching about the movie...the guy was just being a dick period...why should she be sweet and just let it go?

That's ridiculous...

[BuffedWildCat]

Originally Posted by gewaltigsbabe

...
theres really no point, when one person is angry, for another to start being mad too. it would just cause more contention....

That is true, which is why you wait until another time to bring it up.

And if he's not like that constantly - then what's the problem in just letting it go...I could understand if he treated her like that every single day, that she shouldn't put up with it anymore. I'm sure she treats him bad every once in a while, it's only human.

Because if it bothered her that much then she SHOULD let him know otherwise it's just gonna fester. Been there done that. Some stuff happens, I let it go, but then I somehow keep finding that I KEEP letting stuff go, until eventually it just comes out, I just blow up. Things like that just need to be talked about period. No human being should accept being treated the way she was treated even if it was just one time. My opinion anyway. There is no excuse for the way he treated her IMO, bad day or not, he needs to find another way to vent. At the very least they need to come to some sort of compromise, like, they could come up with one word that tells her he's really ticked cause he had a bad day so that she knows to just leave him alone for a while.

[mp.wife]

I went through this with my hubby. A lot. I finally had to sit him down and tell him that he was making me miserable. That I loved him, but unless he could stop punishing me for other peoples mistakes and giving me grief because he was scared I would bail, then chances were, I would bail. That was a few years ago and while things aren't always perfect, It's easier for me to call him on his crap when he does it and he's getting better about stopping himself. There's nothing worse than dealing with an ass and being told "But I USED to be sweet!" It's like getting a jalopi and being told "But it USED to be a Mercedez...".

[Finner]

Sounds like he had a bad day. And you know - you can't always just shrug off a bad day. Lots of people have bad days and want to go home and just be left alone and not have to worry about making sure their spouse feels good. It's not necessarily RIGHT, but. . .it happens. The sucky thing is that he did not communicate to you, in a mutually benefical way that he didn't want to be messed with. He was just being a DICK and expecting you to . . . what? Read his mind? I mean, he made it pretty clear that he wanted to be left alone - but not in a way that you could accept.

When my husband has had a bad day, I'm the person he comes to and tells it all to in detail OR he says "I am in a terrible mood. Don't take anything I say or do personally. I'm so pissed, I don't want to talk about it." And I usually do the same thing. On a very rare occasion, I'll have to get my hackles up and yell something like "HEY, you wanna take that out on who you're REALLY angry at? Cause I know it's not me. I'mma let you stew in whatever you're in - talk to me when you feel like a human again." (And he has had to say that to me as well. . .)

I vaguely recall my ex acting like a dickhead . . . but that's why he's my ex.

[MetalMommy]

i told him this morning he hurt my feelings....
he apologized and while i was out with the baby visiting the horses down the road he did the vacuuming for me and he's making dinner tonight...so thats his way of making it up to me. which is fine except for the fact he doesnt cook healthy lol.


he has his moments....we were together for a year before marriage. we'll be married 3 years in june. together for 4. we did marry young..i completely agree. and i was ready for it...i got my party days and all that out when i was young lol. when i first moved to germany i spent the first 6 months partying my ass off hah. i got tired of it quick..and all the cash i spent on it...and ive never been one who casually hooked up...so for me a committed relationship so young, i love it..i dont regret it at all....and for him (he's 28) its just hard for him to be sensitive sometimes. but he is better than he was a year ago and that says a lot. as long as its not stagnant..and its not regressing...but moving forward..that is what counts.

he had a time frame where he was a DICK a lot....and i told him during that time frame that i was going to take his **** and i wouldnt let our daughter be around someone setting a bad example for how a man should treat a woman...that time period lasted for a short while and he learned then he could lose me if he was like that..just sometimes if he's too stressed out. the army can do that...he doesnt realize but he takes it out on me .
this stuff is rare...its not a constant. if it was a constant i wouldnt be here, i dont ahve the "abused wife" syndrome where they stick around even though they are miserable....i had some really ****ed up ex's, i would never let myself be around that again and i would NEVER let my daughter be around a man if he was an ******* all the time because then she would learn the example that is ok to date an ******* and atke his crap.

im not mad at him..he said sorry..he's making dinner..vacuumed..gave me kisses n hugs and im sure make up sex tonight lol. so were good.

[BuffedWildCat]

Glad to hear it.

Hopefully this won't keep happening. It's difficult to get a person to change and sometimes they never do. I know I've had numerous talks with my husband about repeat offenses (about other things, not this subject). It gets pretty darn frustrating at times. Hopefully that won't be the case with you and your hubby.

[dunkonu9]

Originally Posted by kimm4

My goodness if he keeps this up...he should be adding another terrible relationship to his list.

He'd be cooking his own dinner and baking his own f****** cookies if it were me lol!!

You don't seem like the type of woman who would even put up with that kind of crap...

In my 13 yrs or marriage I've never nor has my husband ever treated me like that...(even if we've had a bad day!) We just have this amazing respect for one another. He kisses me every morning, every time he leaves the house and every night before bed...he's never missed a day in the 13 yrs we've been married

I hope it all works out.

That is because he knows I will not stand for you to be treated any other way.

[kimm4]

Originally Posted by dunkonu9

That is because he knows I will not stand for you to be treated any other way.

Absoultely!

[Amanda76]

My response to your first part was "He's right, he's not a pussy...he's a whiny little bitch."

But now that I've heard how it's all turned out, don't we ALL have our moments that we need some extra patience and understanding from our loved ones? He took you seriously and is apparently sincerely sorry for how he made you feel...not all people are big enough to get over themselves like that and admit they had no excuse for doing another person wrong.

Glad it worked. This is probably something he'll become more and more aware of avoiding as time goes on, especially since it sounds like you're good at not escalating the situation.

[MetalMommy]

we both have our issues. and yes ive learned to wait till the situation cools down to confront it again and talk it over. we are both stubborn, defensive people lol..so arguing never works.

the dinner was good..not the healthiest but i wrote it off as my cheat meal lol. and he threw in another movie last nighit to make up the screwed up movie night prior...so he's back in my good book now lol

[Grimbeard]

you could always sleep with an hiv infected man and share it with your husband