eating disorder/binges

[genn]

As I was reading forums or bodyspaces I found out that a lot of women on this site had gone throught eating disorder. Myself i had one for several years. I went to psychiatrist and nutritionist for 2 years lying that everything was going well because I wasn't mentally ready to change my eating habits. What really help me recovered from it was weight training because I was able to love and know my body and slowly understand that eating wouldn't make me fat and that it would stop my crazy binges... I still do have some binge once in a while because I dont allow and don't want to eat crap everyday.
On the other hand a lot of people on this site who want to be really lean end up having binges for eating healty all the time.

I don't think we can totaly recover from an eating disorder because it a quest for perfection and everybody on this site want in fact to look the best that they can be. I just want to know how do you all live with your eating disorder or binges .. and do you think you can totaly recover from it ?

It would be nice if everybody just share their personnal experience just to know how others deal with this side of wanting to be fit.

[pecan]

Originally Posted by genn

I don't think we can totaly recover from an eating disorder because it a quest for perfection and everybody on this site want in fact to look the best that they can be.

i get what you're saying, but i honestly think that having an eating disorder and striving to be the best you can be aren't related. an eating disorder interferes with your life and controls your actions and thoughts. striving for the best body YOU can achieve is making the most of what life gives you. true, there is such a thing as striving for perfection which is outside of this kind of goal...but at that point is IS a disorder.

apples and oranges, you know?

[heidismommy]

Actually in going the path that I have in terms of weight training and fitness, I'm the most recovered I've ever been. For the first time in my life I don't have a messed up relationship with food. I do not binge and purge and I do restrict. I eat to live rather than living to eat. I've been able to let go of the black and white thinking with regards to food and in doing that I've created much healthier mindset around food. I still have control for the most part (which I still really crave and need), but I've turned it into something positive.

When I first started my latest (and last) journey towards recovery and first let go of the rigidity surrounding food, I went through a "honeymoon stage". Nothing was taboo and so I ate what I wanted, including stuff like cookies and cakes and such on a daily basis. It took a while, but eventually I no longer craved that stuff and looked at food instead as a means to achieving my goal. I physically feel better and have more energy when I eat foods that are good for me. I'm never hungry since I eat very regularly, I'm sure that helps. I still refrain from labeling foods as "good" and "bad" because that sets me up for disaster, but I make sure to eat as healthfully as possible, as much as possible. And on the occasions when I go out to eat or do REALLY crave something I'll give in and eat it, but never to the point of a binge.

So it is possible to recover from an eating disorder, even after struggling many years (I spent literally half my life in-and-out of hospitals because of anorexia). It takes a huge change in mindset, but it is possible. Good luck!

[SophieM]

I do think it's possible to recover from an eating disorder and I think I have.

I had never labeled foods as good or bad, nothing was ever off limits, I just restricted what I ate. It also wasn't about thinking I was fat when I started. I was restricting because eating gave me flashbacks of the abuse I suffered. After awhile, it became habit and I did think I was fat so I had more reasons to not eat.

Now, I still don't have good or bad foods. I eat whatever I want, as much as I want. I've never binged or purged. I have also worked through all the abuse issues, which helped IMMENSELY.

My body image is back to where it was before I lost all the weight. There are obviously things I could approve on, and I'm trying, but I don't think I'm fat. (Amazing what nutrition can do for how you see yourself!!)

I don't eat all that clean, and don't think I ever will, not on purpose anyway. It's just too limiting to me and I want to enjoy myself. If the day comes when I enjoy the foods that are considered clean, well, then I'll eat clean. Right now, I'm not all that fond of them so I don't really eat them.

[Miranda]

Originally Posted by genn

I still do have some binge once in a while because I dont allow[...] On the other hand a lot of people on this site who want to be really lean end up having binges for eating healty all the time.

restriction leads to binges.
losing fat has nothing to do with eating 'clean' - health does.

for many, eating is emotional and a source of joy, even if they weren't on a 'diet'.
remove that from your life and you have a disaster in waiting.

women who end up with problems are the ones who tend to label foods as 'good' or 'bad' and who have rigid, [slightly] unrealistic expectations.

i'm not one for 'goals' myself. i have a vague plan with a time frame, 'see what happens' and adjust daily. it is a mesh, no straight lines, no restrictions.

i would also like to add i'm not emotionally attached to foods or eating. food doesn't interest me, outside of its nutritional content. if it tastes good, fine. if it tastes like ****, no problem.

i'm sure part of it stems from my ED past - i lived with certain 'rules' for so long they have become part of how i behave. or perhaps i always was like that. i don't know.

I don't think we can totaly recover from an eating disorder

agree, but mainly because it is impossible to stay alive without food. it is always there. i consider myself 99.99% recovered.

everybody on this site want in fact to look the best that they can be.

to an extent. there are people, too, who have learnt to accept themselves and value health and sanity over a 'perfect' physique

[twinnett]

I may cause a tizzy here, but I think almost 100% of the women on here would be considered as having "disorded eating"...myself included

Is bodybuilding/eating to build muscle healthier than starving yourself? Yes, but if you are weighing every morsel and counting every calorie and carb, that is restrictive and a bit disordered..

If you get nervous about being outside of your comfort zone, missing a workout, going to dinner, vacationing, eating something "bad"..if it affects your day, your outlook on life and your feelings of self worth, than I think that it's not healthy..

So many women come on here and see that "everyone" is eating only broccoli and chicken and think they "have" to eat that way to be considered "dedicated" and "hard core". I go through the same thoughts..I look at journals and think "wow..look at the progress they're making..maybe I should eat like that..maybe I should do 2 hrs of cardio a day"

When I was anorexic, it affected my relationships with everyone..my life centered around when/what I could eat and when I couldn't eat. I would cry if the scale was up a pound or if I had to go to dinner. I would have uncontrollable binges..I would look at recipes and food that I couldn't eat all day..I would get so nervous, I would cry if I had to miss a workout

Now that I'm "recovered", I'm still obsessed with food...did I go 5 carbs over my limit for the day? Did I weight that food right? What if the nutrition facts online are wrong? How many ounces is that chicken when I'm out to eat?

I gained back the weight so I LOOK recovered, but in my mind, I'm still struggling to find the balance of looking good, feeling good and being content and happy with myself as I am, while still having goals for what I WANT to be..

I'm trying to cut now and find myself wanting to get back into the restrictive cycle b/c it's "safe"...it "works"...I tend to think that I'm "good" if I eat less, do more cardio, eat only chicken and egg whites, etc...but can it be done while still living a healthy, normal life and NOT focusing so much on food and what is "good" and "bad"?? I think it can....some on here have achieved that balance but so many others have had to leave the site in order to do that...

Sorry for the huge ramble...thinking of these things myself...I have strong goals to compete and I want to do it without losing my identity and losing sight of what's REALLY important you know?

[genn]

its really tricky cause a good habit can really become obsessive fast .. and people you have suffer from an eating disorder are usually more self-conscious and more conscious about food

[Miranda]

Originally Posted by twinnett

I may cause a tizzy here, but I think almost 100% of the women on here would be considered as having "disorded eating"...

i agree. but - what is 'ordered' eating?

listening to the body, only eat when physically hungry, stop when you feel full?

most of us live in societies where 'listening to your body' is hard, if not impossible, given the biological impulse to eat for survival.

individuals vary. there are people who are able to rationalise and suppress the limbic system's signals (survival and pleasure) better than others. if they diet, they are 'anorexic' in the sense that they consciously starve themselves - that's what dieting basically is. it is a psychological game.

you know, rationally, that you aren't going to die. the body doesn't.
at some point its signals can overrun what could be called 'discipline'.

other than that, women are designed to carry fat in their thighs and butts and to be 'fatter' than males. to try to combat this is unnatural

yes, you can diet down to 'unnaturally' low BF levels, but be aware it can screw up your system. add to that insensical 'rules' and see what a mess you will make.

but it all depends on the individual.

edit: the BB-ing ideal may be marginally 'healthier' than the one presented by the mainstream (tall and skinny, with long cellulite-free legs, an ample ass and a whittled waist, big boobs. whatever).

but it is still nothing more than that. an ideal.

yet another rainbow to catch.

[heidismommy]

Originally Posted by SophieM

I do think it's possible to recover from an eating disorder and I think I have.

I had never labeled foods as good or bad, nothing was ever off limits, I just restricted what I ate. It also wasn't about thinking I was fat when I started. I was restricting because eating gave me flashbacks of the abuse I suffered. After awhile, it became habit and I did think I was fat so I had more reasons to not eat.

Now, I still don't have good or bad foods. I eat whatever I want, as much as I want. I've never binged or purged. I have also worked through all the abuse issues, which helped IMMENSELY.

My body image is back to where it was before I lost all the weight. There are obviously things I could approve on, and I'm trying, but I don't think I'm fat. (Amazing what nutrition can do for how you see yourself!!)

I don't eat all that clean, and don't think I ever will, not on purpose anyway. It's just too limiting to me and I want to enjoy myself. If the day comes when I enjoy the foods that are considered clean, well, then I'll eat clean. Right now, I'm not all that fond of them so I don't really eat them.

I'm going a bit off topic here, but I think eating disorders nearly always stem from something, some sort of trauma or emotional issue. Food is usually just a symptom of a much bigger problem. I've never had anything traumatic happen to me, but I have a long history of both clinical depression and low self-esteem, coupled with a tendency to be a driven perfectionist. I think true recovery takes place once the issues have been worked through, good for you for getting to that point!

[Jessica29]

I have suffered from an eating disorder.. anorexia...85lbs being my worst.. then I went into a depression because of it.

Today, I am 110 and am in MUCH better shape however.. I do still obsess over food.. I also from time to time get a little depressed. It definately has changed my life a lot and I wish I would just stop obsessing.. it kills me and sometimes I get so frustrated over it.. but why should I?
I feel like it will never go away.. although then again maybe with time it will if I let it.. idk so confusing

But anyways I go to the gym now 5 days a week and I am trying to prove to myself that I do not need to starve myself in order to feel/look good.. the gym has helped me so much and has opened my eyes to a new path.

[pecan]

Originally Posted by Miranda

the BB-ing ideal may be marginally 'healthier' than the one presented by the mainstream.....but it is still nothing more than that. an ideal.

yet another rainbow to catch.

very important, and quite true

[blondbomber]

"I have strong goals to compete and I want to do it without losing my identity"

This is where I'm coming from. I have competed once and had all intention to keep the weight off; that didn't happen. I've never been obese or anorexic, but would like to look like I did when I competed. I would like to compete again, primarily to look like that again. But I get to a point, like most of you, that I feel so deprived that I end up binging. Plus, I love my wine and we all know that we can't compete if we like wine w/ dinner everynight. LOL I work out like a mad woman, and not for weight loss neccessarily, but for my job.

Can anyone answer this for me: if I consider myself to burn around 2500-3000 calories a day, should I keep my calorie intake to 1500-2000 MINIMAL? I've heard that you should never go more than a 1000 deficit. But usually if you are dieting for a competition, you would be around 1000 or less calorie intake a day. This is impossible for me. I would die. (not literally, but wouldn't be functioning well) I do too much cardio and weights for work to only take in that few. Do you think it's possible for me to loose the fat enough for competition again????

Thanks

[kimm4]

No I've been competing for years and I never go below 600 maintenance. I have the right balance of protein, carbs and healthy fats and I always feel great through my entire prep. I'm able to keep my strength and do minimal cardio all the way through. The idea is to diet long and slow...so you can lose fat and retain most if not all your muscle.

So yes it can be done without having to kill yourself!!

[kimm4]

Originally Posted by blondbomber

"I have strong goals to compete and I want to do it without losing my identity"

This is where I'm coming from. I have competed once and had all intention to keep the weight off; that didn't happen. I've never been obese or anorexic, but would like to look like I did when I competed. I would like to compete again, primarily to look like that again. But I get to a point, like most of you, that I feel so deprived that I end up binging. Plus, I love my wine and we all know that we can't compete if we like wine w/ dinner everynight. LOL I work out like a mad woman, and not for weight loss neccessarily, but for my job.

Can anyone answer this for me: if I consider myself to burn around 2500-3000 calories a day, should I keep my calorie intake to 1500-2000 MINIMAL? I've heard that you should never go more than a 1000 deficit. But usually if you are dieting for a competition, you would be around 1000 or less calorie intake a day. This is impossible for me. I would die. (not literally, but wouldn't be functioning well) I do too much cardio and weights for work to only take in that few. Do you think it's possible for me to loose the fat enough for competition again????

Thanks

If you're looking to drop the body fat keep your calories at a solid 1600. Macro breakdown of 45p/30c/25f or 50p/25c/25 fats with a couple refeeds a week...this would work well for you!

Not sure how much cardio you're doing...but too much and you're taking the chance of losing muscle not fat...

[ToraAdams]

You can chose to recover or chose to live in fear of relapse. What one person considers restriction another thinks is making healthy choices. Everyone is at different stages. Whose to judge?

Since I have restricted my diet to clean eating I have never been healthier looked better and quite honestly had a more manageable life.

When your your sick in a disease it takes over everything. I feel like I have my life back. Is it perfect? Do I have bad days? Do I have relapses with food ?
Yes Yes Yes

But I don't have the emotion attached to it because for me I have found a solution to combat the negativity of the obsession and compulsion of having an eating disorder. The answer was taking resposibility for it, having a goal and sticking with it. Chosing life over a death sentance.

I owe many people . Some of them right here on this site for making that happen.

Thank you

[blondbomber]

Thank you kimm4, for your knowledge. The cardio I do? I teach a Boot Camp for the gym I work for and I don't just instruct, but I do the activities w/ my Boot Campers. It's about 30-45 min. cardio. I enjoy doing it and would feel silly only instructing. Also, I don't have a car so I ride my mtn. bike EVERYWHERE!! On top of which, I do HIIT cardio bike rides 2x a week for 16-25 intense minutes. Therefore, I get four days of intense cardio a week on top of my regular bike rides. Is this too much? I would like to cut out the HIIT's if I can, but feel if I did that I wouldn't be doing enough. I could live on 1600 cals, but certainly not 600. WOW! You're brave.

Last time I competed, I was on a 50p/25c/25f and lost weight. This time around I thought I would increase the carbs to 20-30p/50-60c/20f and doing so gave me sooo much more energy, strength and power in my lifts. I have gone extreme w/ the weights. But not loosing the weight. So maybe I will respond better to more protein. Thanks again.

[jaderuby]

i've had an eating disorder for almost 6 years, this is probably the most healthy thing i have done for years. my life basically ended when i got ill, i rarely see people, i have spent the last 3 years in and out of hospital. i have spent my teenage years trying to dissapear and die basically.

whether people think that bb is disordered or not, i really dont care what they think, for me this is as far away from what i have been doing as you could get. im actually now attempting to make my body stronger, more muscular and healthy. if you have an ED the last thing you want to be told is you look well or healthy, because in your head they are just calling you fat.

as far as fully recovering, i dont believe i ever will. i dont know whether it is possible although i know that some people manage it. i dont know whether i will. for me just being able to function would be amazing.

[needsomeesh]

hey girls,

well i have binged on food WITHOUT purging since i was a little girl...i got sober from alcohol and drugs thru a 12 step program 3.5 years ago...lost some weight never eating clean then went back to binging while being a personal trainer...the guilt & shame & misery of living a lie and like someone else said it affecting every part of my life was pure mental torture...it was an obsession that gripped my mind from wake up until sleep...and i slept a lot at that point...it was vicious cycle of horror and at the end about 1 year ago i wanted to kill myself...i said i was going to start drinking again b/c the pain was just as bad as when i was drinking myself into a blackout every night.

so this has been my battle..my whole life...you know in aa we say we have a DAILY reprieve contingent on our spiritual basis....do i think it's possible to completely recover? HEELLL YEAAH!! otherwise i might as well give up...but what all of us must remember is
TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE!!
i am blessed to have over alcoholic woman who are also food addicts so we work together on the food thing...but what i have realized is that our paths are different...like for me i can not absolutely CAN NOT take even one bit of cookie/cake/chocoalte whatever b/c i CAN NOT stop for the oother 2 their story is a bit different...so i have to STOP listening to the new research shows diet on tv..even to other women on here bc my story my path my RECOVERY is not anyone elses...
it has been a painful painful road to get here...i just had a huge psychic change, spiritual awakening LAST WEEK and today i am a different person and i know my terror with food is over...i can't really explain it but it took every single moment up to this point to allow me to start a new life...so ifyou feel like what you're doing isn't working...just keep walking...just keep striving

a friend who was anorexic saiid one day it will just be over..and i didn't bleive her i just couldn't imagine it...but it's true...that doesn't mean that it will magically disappear...that means that we have to work our ass off mentally, spiritually, emotionaly, physically and that one day it will all come together

for me it's about lying to myself...it's about being afraid to surrender...all i know is aa so i know to get sober there i had to give my problem over to a "higher power"...which i call source..the universe...but all that reallllly means for me is that i gave up...i gave up...i surrendered

i know this sounds weird but it's true: i was AFRAID to be without my binging "disorder" b/c it's all i've ever known...from the age i can remember... and i don't know whwat life will be like without it...as twisted as that is...when pain is familiar it's where we ant to stay b/c at least we know how to deal with it...but true freedom only came for me when i admitted i couldn't do it alone, i didn't know what was on the otehr side and i was really scared but i was willing to believe there was something better

when you're in teh fog, keep walking!!
there are no "wrong" paths
we are always moving forward or moving backward...standing still putting life on pause is not an option....keep moving
you can start your day over at any moment
today you are a new person...change is consistency...listen to your body... to thine own self be true.

love you all!!

cheri

[heidismommy]

Originally Posted by jaderuby

if you have an ED the last thing you want to be told is you look well or healthy, because in your head they are just calling you fat.

Eventually you'll get to a place in recovery where healthy no longer equals fat. I've finally gotten there. But I agree, I used to panic upon hearing the word "healthy".

Originally Posted by jaderuby

as far as fully recovering, i dont believe i ever will. i dont know whether it is possible although i know that some people manage it. i dont know whether i will. for me just being able to function would be amazing.

You're only 20 though, you never no what lies ahead. I was first diagnosed with anorexia at the age of 14 and I struggled with it immensely until about a year ago (I'm 30 now). Never during that time frame did I ever think recovery was possible. Not once. But here I am now, for the most part recovered. Not only physically, but I'm almost mentally there too. So don't give up hope on recovery, keep working towards that as a goal.

[HillaryK]

Originally Posted by genn

As I was reading forums or bodyspaces I found out that a lot of women on this site had gone throught eating disorder. .....

It would be nice if everybody just share their personnal experience just to know how others deal with this side of wanting to be fit.

Awesome thread. I agree with so much of what has been said. I believe that a lot of what can be considered a "disorder" or "obsession" is up to the individual. I think that for the women who have overcome an eating disorder they see this lifestyle as just that, a lifestyle not a disorder. True you are still watching those calories, carbs etc but it's different, the goal isn't to shrink into oblivion it's to become strong and beautiful. I know that for me it has changed from an obsession about size to a healthy love for my body and the joy that comes with seeing it change do to my HARD WORK.

[kimm4]

Originally Posted by blondbomber

Thank you kimm4, for your knowledge. The cardio I do? I teach a Boot Camp for the gym I work for and I don't just instruct, but I do the activities w/ my Boot Campers. It's about 30-45 min. cardio. I enjoy doing it and would feel silly only instructing. Also, I don't have a car so I ride my mtn. bike EVERYWHERE!! On top of which, I do HIIT cardio bike rides 2x a week for 16-25 intense minutes. Therefore, I get four days of intense cardio a week on top of my regular bike rides. Is this too much? I would like to cut out the HIIT's if I can, but feel if I did that I wouldn't be doing enough. I could live on 1600 cals, but certainly not 600. WOW! You're brave.

Last time I competed, I was on a 50p/25c/25f and lost weight. This time around I thought I would increase the carbs to 20-30p/50-60c/20f and doing so gave me sooo much more energy, strength and power in my lifts. I have gone extreme w/ the weights. But not loosing the weight. So maybe I will respond better to more protein. Thanks again.

You could get away with cutting out the HIIT. I find that LISS cardio is better for fat loss anyways. Yeah I think you would do better with the less carbs...see how that works for you.

As for my calories it's 600 below my maintenance numbers...I could never live on 600 calories ha!!

Good luck!!

[Outdoor Girl]

Originally Posted by heidismommy

Actually in going the path that I have in terms of weight training and fitness, I'm the most recovered I've ever been.

I feel the same about my eating - learning to eat better for working out has helped me a lot. I posted in my bodyblog about my compulsive eating, it was my last post, feel free to check it out. I put it up in case it might help someone.

[Anastasia]

I've suffered from anorexia/bulimia for ~ 10 years (starting @13-14 years) and it was actually my husband who helped me overcome it by showing me how to lift weight & how to eat properly. Well.. and then I also got pregnant with our first child and it was clear to me that for that time being I'd have to 'snap out of it' as I was afraid I might rob my child of important nutritions if I wouldn't eat healthy.
Once my girl was born I still had some short spurts of relapses where I'd binge and purge, but eventually I 'made' myself stop.

That being said, personally, I don't think I'll ever be 100% 'normal' like a person who never suffered from an ED. My perception of my own body seems to be kind of distorded. (I always say my eyes are like broken mirrors, not able to see a clear picture.)
To be honest, I compare having an ED (or having had one) like being an alcoholic. While you can never go back to drinking alcohol, with an ED or ex-ED you can never go back to looking at food the way you used to before having the ED. -At least that's my opinion based on MY personal experience. There might be some who really recover a 100%, but I for myself know, I'll never be. Not because I don't want to (and by now I've come to understand the reasons behind my ED and somewhat eliminated them) but because I simply can't. The fear of getting 'fat' is just too big -which is why it's quite hard for me right now to making the step towards bulking!..

While I know for example that seeing ribs and bones in general isn't a good nor healthy thing, I still like seeing my ribcage (inhaling deeply in front of the mirror happens more naturally almost every day..) or feeling the hip bones stick out when I lie down.. Seeing the vertebraes when I bend forward, etc. etc. To me, this is not a healthy behaviour or way of thinking and even though I'm not wanting to achieve this look again (my lowest weight was 100 lbs and I was literally starving myself -not like now eating healthy & working out!) I have to mentally fight with myself to not think "Wow" or "Nice!" when I happen to come across a picture of an extremely thin/anorexic person!.. It's sad, but true..
Luckily though, for the most time, looking at fitness models/figure athletes etc. makes me see that this is the way I want to look, with nice & toned muscles & healthy!!!

[heidismommy]

Originally Posted by Anastasia

I've suffered from anorexia/bulimia for ~ 10 years (starting @13-14 years) and it was actually my husband who helped me overcome it by showing me how to lift weight & how to eat properly. Well.. and then I also got pregnant with our first child and it was clear to me that for that time being I'd have to 'snap out of it' as I was afraid I might rob my child of important nutritions if I wouldn't eat healthy.
Once my girl was born I still had some short spurts of relapses where I'd binge and purge, but eventually I 'made' myself stop.

That being said, personally, I don't think I'll ever be 100% 'normal' like a person who never suffered from an ED. My perception of my own body seems to be kind of distorded. (I always say my eyes are like broken mirrors, not able to see a clear picture.)
To be honest, I compare having an ED (or having had one) like being an alcoholic. While you can never go back to drinking alcohol, with an ED or ex-ED you can never go back to looking at food the way you used to before having the ED. -At least that's my opinion based on MY personal experience. There might be some who really recover a 100%, but I for myself know, I'll never be. Not because I don't want to (and by now I've come to understand the reasons behind my ED and somewhat eliminated them) but because I simply can't. The fear of getting 'fat' is just too big -which is why it's quite hard for me right now to making the step towards bulking!..

While I know for example that seeing ribs and bones in general isn't a good nor healthy thing, I still like seeing my ribcage (inhaling deeply in front of the mirror happens more naturally almost every day..) or feeling the hip bones stick out when I lie down.. Seeing the vertebraes when I bend forward, etc. etc. To me, this is not a healthy behaviour or way of thinking and even though I'm not wanting to achieve this look again (my lowest weight was 100 lbs and I was literally starving myself -not like now eating healthy & working out!) I have to mentally fight with myself to not think "Wow" or "Nice!" when I happen to come across a picture of an extremely thin/anorexic person!.. It's sad, but true..
Luckily though, for the most time, looking at fitness models/figure athletes etc. makes me see that this is the way I want to look, with nice & toned muscles & healthy!!!

I can relate to a lot of this actually. I think I'm recovered from the standpoint of eating disorder as in my eating is less disordered than it's ever been. However, I'm still terrified of becoming fat and I still like having complete control which is why I think I'm drawn to "bodybuilding" so much. I still like that I can wear the smallest sizes and I still like that my ribs and clavicle are prominent. I value leanness, probably more than what is considered healthy. And I know I'm still obsessed with exercise. So I'm not 100% percent recovered, but I don't think my eating habits could be any better than they are now. I eat intuitively, don't restrict, don't obsessively track and count, etc. So I think I'll always retain some of that quirkiness and some of that obsession, it's just I've found a more positive way to redirect it.

For the first time in my life I'm not triggered by emaciation. I'm inspired by healthy, but very athletic women (muscular, but super lean). Maybe that still isn't the "healthiest" thing, but it's certainly leaps and bounds above where I used to be. So maybe in a sense I still have an eating disorder. But my eating isn't disordered (if that makes sense).

[twinnett]

I thought I was recovered...until I started having binge episodes every time I would vary from my "safe" diet...then I started gaining and gaining and now I know that the mindset is still there..I still get disgusted when I look in the mirror...still feel that I'm "bad" or "gross" b/c I weigh more than I feel comfortable with.

Although I know the right and healthy way to lose weight and get in shape, I still have the urge to do it the only way that has ever worked for me: cardio like crazy and not eating much...since the anorexia, my body seems to only want to put on fat...and all in my stomach and love handles and it doesn't want to budge, despite having the right diet and lifting heavy..I'm just so frustrated....I want to have balance and be healthy and "normal", but I'm just so torn

Part of me love being precise and weighing and charting and planning things...another part of me is sick of putting all this time and effort into it and still looking worse than women that eat pizza every day and don't do any sort of lifting or cardio...

So, in short, I feel I am physically recovered, in that I am now much fatter, but I am in no way mentally recovered yet..my ultimate goal is to get to a weight and bodyfat that I feel good at and then start more intuitive eating. I don't want to count every carb gram my whole life!

[xEllax]

Wow this is a great thread. Its so good to read others experiences and views. I have suffered with eating disorders for the past 3 or so years now. I lost a lot of weight and was diagnosed with anorexia when i got down to 98lbs in 2007. After this, i began eating again but thats when the binges began......i started binging once a week, i would plan it all week, and looked forward to it so much (sounds so pathetic now!). I would get away with it because i would basically starve all week and binge til i felt ill at the weekend. But soon once a week wasnt enough, i found it impossible to not binge in the week.....my life became one long binge!!

Well, now im at a point where i am unhappy with my weight and my eating habits and i just want my life back! Is there any way out of this all?? I have found focussing on a healthy clean diet and working out has helped me eliminate most of the urges to binge.....but is it ever possible to eliminate them altogether?? I find i will eat extremely clean for 4-5days and then get the urge to binge....it takes A LOT to not give in and so i often find myself giving in and then find it difficut to get back on track again! ARGH its an everlasting vicious circle!!!

Sorry for the long thread ladies! Just good to let it all out!

[Megin]

Originally Posted by twinnett

I may cause a tizzy here, but I think almost 100% of the women on here would be considered as having "disorded eating"...myself included

Who makes up the rules on what is normal or un-disordered???

What is 'normal' eating??
-Controlling what you eat?
-Allowing for non-nutritional foods?
-Restricting yourself?
-Over indulging?
-Purging 'bad' foods?
*multiple methods to do this, you chose..
-Not thinking about food?
-Thinking about food all the time?
-Partially thinking about food?
-Only eating 'clean' foods
-Being vegitarian?
-Being a vegan?
-Only eating protein?
-Creating your macros so that you have a perfect ratio of everything?
-Not knowing what a macro is?


What is right ?
Who decides it? And does EVERYONE have an ED ... everyone must deal with food
There are guys who forget to eat and that is 'ok' ... then there are girls who refuse to eat .. and that is not 'ok' - the only difference being in the mindset?



[wasn't attacking you, T ... just streaming from your statement and questioning]

[twinnett]

I understand Meg...what I was trying to get at is cautioning women who come on here to recover from an eating disorder only to be thrown back into another set of "rules", albeit healthier, but still mentally harmful

I speak from experience, b/c I seem to be unable to NOT be strict w/out going overboard on eating...it's hard and confusing and only every person knows what is right and helpful for THEIR body...I just see so many come on here and they are looking for help and answers and can sometimes get the impression that you HAVE to do things a certain way, ie eat only "clean" foods in order to have success and progress

[Miranda]

Originally Posted by HillaryK

the women who have overcome an eating disorder they see this lifestyle as just that, a lifestyle not a disorder. True you are still watching those calories, carbs etc but it's different, the goal isn't to shrink into oblivion it's to become strong and beautiful.

just like some anorexics see their disorder as a 'lifestyle'.

you can sell a dog turd as a sausage but it is still a dog turd.

(sorry, that's the first analogy i could come up with )

Originally Posted by Megin

There are guys who forget to eat and that is 'ok' ... then there are girls who refuse to eat .. and that is not 'ok' - the only difference being in the mindset?

i think so it is all between the ears.

imo some people just plain ARE perfectionistic, nitpicking, borderline OCD type individuals (myself included). they NEED something to hold on to. doesn't matter what it is.

my take on it is choose a 'hobby' that's not likely to kill you.

[Megin]

Originally Posted by Miranda

imo some people just plain ARE perfectionistic, nitpicking, borderline OCD type individuals (myself included). they NEED something to hold on to. doesn't matter what it is.

Humm... maybe it does matter what that 'something' is ?
There is a reason that many people gravitate toward self-destructive behavior [smoking, drinking, drugs, ED, cutting, lying, cheating, stealing.. you get the idea]


I just don't know what it is, yet..