Jess just wants to be happy.

[twinnett]

Good for you!!! So proud of you..stay strong!

[IzzyJ]

well done for giving those scales the flick! you're doing great hun! have fun in Coffs, chill and relax and enjoy yourself!!!

[perf_ckt]

Originally Posted by kitebean

Jess, I am an omnipresent lurker here, but that statement deserves all the recognition ^^ in the world Emma-Leigh is SO right, every thought, every note, every action is forward propulsion and PROGRESS.
Keep going girl, we are so much right here with you

Its funny because I enjoy spying on your journal too. You always give me a lot to think about.

Originally Posted by ROKKNROLLA

If you have issues with your posture you should try put a bit more muscle on that back Jess lol I knew a guy who slouched a fair bit, after seeing all the progress he'd made (especially with muscle gain on his back) he'd straightened up a heap, definitely helped! Could be a good idea

And if you need a source for 10kg of egg whites to help, you know I've got the hook up ahaha

LOL. when your ready....
the posture is not so much a slouch, but more that everything is lopsided. I stand more on my right leg than my left, and i think its from carrying a gym bag...

Originally Posted by rdidio

Hey lady, I think you're doing great! Try not to let things get you down. You need to make decisions that are the best for you and no one else. I think it's great that you're breaking up with the scale! I plan on doing the same thing and only weighing myself once a week to track my progress. Glad you got to hang out with your Gma... I know my Gma always makes me happy And WOO HOO new hair!!

the scale never really helped me anyway.

[perf_ckt]

Originally Posted by CharliC

Divorcing the scale is an absolutely colossal step, Jess. I'm so proud of you!

the bathroom floor looks so lonely..... lol

Originally Posted by zigzag71

I am so incredibly proud of you right now.

happy happy

thank you.

Originally Posted by twinnett

Good for you!!! So proud of you..stay strong!

well ill try.. not that i really have a choice since the scale is completely gone..

Originally Posted by IzzyJ

well done for giving those scales the flick! you're doing great hun! have fun in Coffs, chill and relax and enjoy yourself!!!

oh. i will.

[perf_ckt]

So. Here is my new hair:


It's like it was about 6 months ago. straight fringe and all shiny. Theres nothing like healthy eating to create enviable hair.

Just had a great 30 minute interval workout on the elliptical. My muscles are all sore from Bootcamp yesterday. I am content with all of these things.

I often listen to negative thoughts in my head that tell me that I am fat. I do not argue with them. At the moment I find it hard to challenge that belief. However, one thing that does get me through is that I am sure my boyfriend and family would rather they have an average sized happy Jessika around than a thin angry snappy Jessika. There is nothing positive in being thin if you can't also be happy and share yourself with other people. Even if I still agree with the negative thoughts, I do not have to act on them.

"Food is something I am going to have to face at least three times a day for the rest of my life. And I am not perfect. But one really bad day does not mean that I am hopeless and back at square one"

I have friends who long for me to conquer.

[twinnett]

I never realized the impract of my disorder on my family until I was at dinner w/ my dad...I had gained weight back and I was eating bread...he actually cried...was so afraid that I was going to die...people love YOU, not skinny you or perfect eating you...but YOU and they want you healthy and happy!!

[perf_ckt]

Originally Posted by twinnett

I never realized the impract of my disorder on my family until I was at dinner w/ my dad...I had gained weight back and I was eating bread...he actually cried...was so afraid that I was going to die...people love YOU, not skinny you or perfect eating you...but YOU and they want you healthy and happy!!

awww. thank you for sharing that.
this is one of the things that makes me cry the most during recovery. thinking about the impact it had on everyone around me, and me not being there to help them out when they were struggling.
it really makes you thankful for the people who stuck it through with you.

I read this book a while ago: "eating with your anorexic" by Laura Collins. It was suggested to my parents by my dietician. Its written in the voice of a mother using the Maudsley method, its very touching and was really motivational to me in wanting to get better.

another book "diet no more" by Judith McFadden I read about intuitive eating. It was of no use to me at the time because it did not fit in with how I see the world. I think it might be more useful now.
It focused on learning how to stop eating, how to start eating, how to know what you want to eat. how to be satisfied.

[rubes00]

Evening Jess! I love the idea of you divorcing the scale... thats great

You know what I realized reading your last post... you know everything that you need to know in order to recover! From the sounds of it, you have the support group (us, boyfriend, family) that loves you when you're happy and eating and exercising. You make mistakes and aren't afraid to let the world know about them... including yourself. You know all the positive things in life. You know what your ED wants and that it's a tricky thing and does sneaky things to get what it wants.....

All you have to do now is go day by day and become a little better every day! Take 2 steps forward each day... if you take a step back one day... no biggie You're doing great Jess!

[perf_ckt]

thanks ruby... i never thought of it that way

just gotta start changing my old habits into my new ones.

[twinnett]

I read a book called "Fed Up" http://www.amazon.com/Fed-Up-Breakth.../dp/007138331X

It's a great read!! Written by a former anorexic who discovered intuitive eating

[Brahette]

Originally Posted by twinnett

people love YOU, not skinny you or perfect eating you...but YOU and they want you healthy and happy!!

This statement right here is absolutely perfect, Tara!

I think you've got a great head on your shoulders, Jess You know what you need to do and how you need to get there and you're doing a fantastic job!

Glad you're still rockin out at bootcamp! And I love the new hair!!

[perf_ckt]

Originally Posted by twinnett

I read a book called "Fed Up" http://www.amazon.com/Fed-Up-Breakth.../dp/007138331X

It's a great read!! Written by a former anorexic who discovered intuitive eating

i dont think im ready for a book that condones weight loss behaviours just yet. but it looks like a great read. on my "to do" list.

Originally Posted by rdidio

This statement right here is absolutely perfect, Tara!

I think you've got a great head on your shoulders, Jess You know what you need to do and how you need to get there and you're doing a fantastic job!

Glad you're still rockin out at bootcamp! And I love the new hair!!

yes to bootcamp this morning at 5:45am.


I have conjunctivitis (eye infection) so i have been wearing my glasses. I think they are soooo ugly. Anyway, running with glasses is the funniest thing, they bob up and down and its so hard to see. AND they fog up when you get hot!

This morning I waited for hunger before I decided to eat. It was a very rewarding feeling.

I'm also going to trial eating as much as i want (not eating ALL OF IT AT ONCE... just eating it whenever i feel like it) of fear/binge foods until the need to binge/avoid them goes away.


Diet no more (Judith McFadden) advocates 6 thoughts that lead to freedom:

1. I am free to consider all foods equal in their right to nourish me

2. I am free to give my stomach priority in deciding what it wants

3. My body will look after itself in the future. I am free to trust in the future

4. I am free to listen to the signals my body gives me, and to feel good about what they tell me

5. I can have that any time I want it. Do I want it now?

6. Will my stomach feel better over the next hour if I eat the rest of this? I am free to eat as much as I want.




I can give up all my struggling and self-defeating messages.

[zigzag71]

Excellent. Just Excellent. I love the 6 thoughts.

LOL I have this mental image of your glasses bouncing around at bootcamp. I bet it didn't slow you down for a minute! I workout and race without my glasses. A training buddy wears contact lenses with her swim goggles. My goggles inevitably leak at some point during every swim.... that would not work so well.

Have a great night!

[rubes00]

Hi Jess!

How bout instead of saying "I'm going to allow myself to eat as much fear/binge foodsas I want"... you can just say you're allowing yourself to eat the foods you enjoy

Something I used to tell myself when I felt like bingeing/purging was simply reminding myself that the food is not going to go away... it will still be there tonight/tomorrow... so there was no reason to eat it all at once!

[imperfectly_lou]

Well done on the scale Jess. I'm so happy for you

I actually found I had to stop reading books about EDs, depression, borderline, etc after I was diagnosed. I had to take a step back and realise that those things were NOT me, and did not form my identity. My bookshelf is literally filled with books....

[perf_ckt]

Originally Posted by imperfectly_lou

Well done on the scale Jess. I'm so happy for you

I actually found I had to stop reading books about EDs, depression, borderline, etc after I was diagnosed. I had to take a step back and realise that those things were NOT me, and did not form my identity. My bookshelf is literally filled with books....

thats true. the only book I have actually found useful so far is "life without ed". it is basically just a book full of ways to remove yourself from negative thoughts and choose positive actions.

[CharliC]

Originally Posted by perf_ckt

There is nothing positive in being thin if you can't also be happy and share yourself with other people.

That really resonated with me, the way that an ED doesn't allow to you share yourself. It's so all-consuming that your priorities become completely warped and all the things that should be important get pushed out. And it's that isolation that make the ED's hold so much stronger. Remembering that has made me realise that I'm letting work take up where the ED left off. I must address that.

One book I though was good is 'Gaining' by Aimee Liu. It demonstrated how people can completely mentally recover (which is something I still have trouble imagining) and also looked into the science and genetics behind EDs, which was an approach I found interesting.

By the way, your hair looks HOT!

[Brahette]

More great thoughts you've got there lady! Poo on the eye infection... I hope it gets better soon! You should totally duct tape your glasses to your head

[zigzag71]

Hi Jess

[jdede188]

Hope the eye is on the mend!!

[Brahette]

Hope you have a great weekend

[Brahette]

Hey lady!! Hope your week is going well!!

[perf_ckt]

just a quick hello.
im back.
you will be hearing a lot more from me. soon

thanks for keeping the journal warm.

[imperfectly_lou]

good good
you haven't missed much... forum has been dead lately

[twinnett]

Come back soon! Hope all is well!

[Brahette]

I've been snuggling with your journal while you've been gone Glad you're still alive and kickin!

[CharliC]

Hey Jess, look forward to hearing from you soon

[zigzag71]

Yay - you're back from your trip?
Awaiting details and stories...

[rubes00]

Morning Jess

[perf_ckt]

BAH!

Life has really picked up. Alex's mom has gone overseas so I've been spending a lot of time at his house.

Christmas retail work is INSANe.

not to mention my lack of christmas shopping completion. lol

still havent seen the scale since we divorced. my clothes are currently very tight from my holiday, but im not freaked out, just determined to make them fit better again. very liberating.