Lacking support from spouse during comp prep

[grace91181]

Does anyone have trouble getting support during a competition prep from their significant other? Well since I had to quit lifting 2 weeks ago because of back problems, my fiance has since told me that I'm obsessesed w/bodybuilding and he can't stand it when I'm in competition prep. He said that everything revolves around my eating and lifting schedule and that he doesn't want me doing shows anymore. I didn't know if anyone else has this problem. I had a talk w/him a month ago about me following this type of lifestyle and he said that he was fine with it and now all of a sudden he has changed his mind. I'm just really confused on what I should do.

I know I can't do any shows for a long time until they find out whats going on with my back. I know its not good, I'm having pain radiating down my legs and into my feet. And have to go through a series of epidurals w/steroid injections for a month to help with the pain and inflammation.

[BigStew]

The word is compromize. You guys need to have a sit down and tell each other how you feel about the competing. You need to tell him how much BBing means to you and he will tell you what he feels about it. Then you guys need to make some compromizes so that each side is a little more happy. Good Luck. they never said this BBing thing was easy

[JLB001]

Grace,

I hope you get to feeling better soon.

Yes, it can be very self centered sport, but you have to be able to find the compromise in the situtation. Let him know how much it means to you.

Good luck and best wishes

[aguy fish]

First, I hope you'll be feeling better soon.
Well, I agree with JLB001 tell him how much it means to you. May be It'll be agood idea to have him more involved into the sport. Does he lift weigths? explain him that his supports will help you a lot particularly on contest prep which is so hard. What are his arguments to explain he does not like your lifestyle? If it's just a matter of time spent in the gym, there is always a way to compromize. Does he have any hobby at all?
He should be proud to have a girlfriend who trains hard diets hard and competes !
Let us know how it's going on.
Good luck

[Akers1021]

From a guys competitive view:

I would LOVE it if my wife was involved in competing. It would make the Diet easier as she would buy things she knew I could not eat during dieting. My first 2 shows my wife came and watched and was supportive. The last 2 she has complained the 16 weeks and said things like " I can't wait til you can eat normal" etc...

She does like the fact that I stay in shape, she just hates the competitive part of the game. I think mostly because of the drugs usage she knows that is and always will be in the NPC/IFBB. Now that I am planning on doing a National show she knows that the game will change a bit. I don't think she will be very happy, however she loves it when I WIN just hates the vanity and egos of the sport....

[liftjunkie06]

Originally Posted by grace91181

Does anyone have trouble getting support during a competition prep from their significant other? Well since I had to quit lifting 2 weeks ago because of back problems, my fiance has since told me that I'm obsessesed w/bodybuilding and he can't stand it when I'm in competition prep. He said that everything revolves around my eating and lifting schedule and that he doesn't want me doing shows anymore. I didn't know if anyone else has this problem. I had a talk w/him a month ago about me following this type of lifestyle and he said that he was fine with it and now all of a sudden he has changed his mind. I'm just really confused on what I should do.

I know I can't do any shows for a long time until they find out whats going on with my back. I know its not good, I'm having pain radiating down my legs and into my feet. And have to go through a series of epidurals w/steroid injections for a month to help with the pain and inflammation.

EXACT same thing just happened to me. She said she was disgusted, hated my rooster like macho attitiude, etc. After several fights and discussions, we concluded the problem was not with bodybuilding itself but with the fact that it seemed to be more important than my wife and son. I made some changes to my routine, and all is fine now. I would just talk it out. My family is #1, but it didn't seem that way at the time, because you have to be kindof self absorbed with all that is required for prep.

[grace91181]

Oh he lifts weights too, we actually lift together. He is the one who got me started. When I'm prepping for a show I'll offer to cook something else just for him rather then him eating tilapia and chicken every night. And he says no that he doesn't want me cooking 2 seperate meals. It doesn't bother me one bit to make spaghetti for him when I can't eat it cuz I know that I can't have it. I could eat chicken and tilapia every meal and it doesn't bother me at all. I've been competitive my entire life even when playing softball. Its just a drive in me that doesn't go away.

I've tried explaining to him how much I love bodybuilding and that its a part of ME. He says I'm being selfish in not giving up the shows. I just can't see giving that up just because he doesn't like it. I think he's being selfish in asking me to stop doing shows. See he's a police officer, I don't like it and I've even told him, but I would never ask him to quit. Thats something he loves to do.

[julofthenile]

wow! I can not believe that your post hit me right between the eyes. I just had this conversation with my husband. This is my first time getting ready for a competition and he is beside himself. I do cook seperate meals for he and my three kids and try to work out around his workouts, but this is taxing our relationship beyond words...

[Charmion]

If you did stop BBing for him, he'd then be dealing with a very unhappy partner who would probably resent him for the rest of his short lived marriage. It's completely unfair to ask, or especially guilt someone you love into giving up something that they love. To me it seems he's the one being selfish.

Like everyone has stated, it's all about compromising.

Charmion

[dcerullo]

I had the same problem with my husband for the first 2 comps I did. He golfs, plays hockey year round, goes on golf trips with his buddies etc. So when he complained I basically told him too bad! I cook separate for him and our son, I never let my workouts get in the way of our family life so he stopped complaining and is very supportive. Now it's a joke around 2 weeks out, he asks our friends if he can move in with them for 2 weeks and teases me about eating cereal for dinner. He knows how important BB is to me. Also being married for 21 years helps too. Good luck and remind him of the things he loves to do.

[Italianangel]

a big resounding YES!!!
I have been with my guy for 16 years.
at my competition peak I was doing 13 shows avg in 9 mths, multiple categories so I was spending all my money on this, and he nagged and when are you going to quit, and would eat anything in front of me plus ask me if I wanted some, bring me home junk food...........argue with me and start fights from 4 mths up to day before............it was bad. My family does not care, they don't take it serious nor understand and my friends are all non competitive so I am in it alone!
I don't have competitor friends, that always ends in a sour note for the most part so I do have competitor acquaintances but otherwise I always end up getting screwed by other competitors who either use me for info or to take job opps from me.
Out of every show my guy has come to maybe 2, and I have done 30-50 shows to date, never helped me, never drove me, never carried my bags, never helped with tanning prep, nothing! And the latest is if I say something about being unsure of my butt or something, or an injury he would say well I guess you have to retire, that is the latest one, he is not as bad now with sabotage but basically ignores the whole thing, even my training is on my own, he ignores it all. He won't even help with pictures or video when I need for my business end of things.
He does not sabotage anymore which is nice but no support, no pride and no understanding for the time I need, he basically gets pissy if I am not available. I get guys telling me my man should be so proud........but he is could care less. I get a magazine spread and he does not even look at it, never mind show friends or brag..................I guess he is a bit jealous too but that should not be.
When I did a shoot in 99 with Rob Sims he was angry and called me during the shoot to yell at me, Rob was like 'you won't get work like this, no one will put up with that' and I was crying and upset then had to shoot and this was a once in blue moon chance for me since I don't normally travel.
for years every argument boiled down to that one shoot..........
it makes is very hard but I just try harder, I won't let these people ruin my fun. I was sick with asthma my whole life and now that i can actually do soemthing active for ME their selfishness is their prob and I won't let them ruin it so I try very hard to be mentally tough!!! I am proud of my work and my goals and achieving my past ones even through all that, I made it, I got my pro cards and am working on more pro cards, they cannot take away my will and drive!!!
I mean its bad enough with other competitors playing head games with you, never mind your own spouse and family.

I can totally understand your probs and sympathize big time!!!!! its sad that I cannot be excited about things with him or share that but I found that journaling or blogging on line and being a part of a few forums have been more than enough support for me and had given me the juice I need to keep going hard because someone is appreciating my work and noticing how hard it is so it is sad if these people in our lives do not want to share with us our love, but it is their loss and is not a great way to bring themselves closer to us..............sooner or later they will see this.
Linda

[Italianangel]

I used to run a few shows too, and even then I was completely on my own, he may help me on day of but thats it and I was lucky if I got that - I would have been even more successful and able to maybe run my own shows outside of the federation I was doing them through who just ended up screwing me as well - if I had his help and support. They could see that usually there is the promoter and the promoters spouse helping like a pair but with me I did it all alone for 3 years! It was amazing but straining.
Then he knew how to tell me AFTERWARDS how I SHOULD have done things...........well that is easy to do, how about helping me BEFORE hand.
Very frustrating.
Being a trainer I work for myself so even trying to work at home is impossible unless he is at work, he demands so much of my time at his beck and call............and so does my mom, who is elderly and I take care of but unfortunately she is an alcoholic dependent on many prescriptions and mixes them so at times some weeks and late nights are very hard on me and she does not care if I have to work the next day or train..........but again, I do my best to care for them but am strong to keep my priorities high as much as I can - I have missed many a day training etc and practice because of my guy and my mom but I limit that as much as I can!
It is not fair that these people drain us for our energy and leave nothing left for us, for ourselves...............so we have to politely balance this, they put their stuff first so I have to put my stuff first too!
My guy is home on strike right now so its been hard but I have left him to go to the gym and I do what I need and don't rush, screw that if I am going to rip myself off! Its 2 hours avg per day for ME, and when I am working well its money for US and if I don't make money he gets stressed so I am justified in my actions.
Anyway, keep at it!!!! YOu just may have to be creative, not share your info, how you feel, your training, you joys of accomplishement, share them with us, we care..........it is sad, I mean I want to share this with him and my family but you try then they dont care or say something down or negative so whats the point then? So I don't say much to them, my mom does not even know me or my life really as she is so wrapped up in her own drama. I just thank God for the nights she is quiet and not all drugged up and plastered, yelling and falling and crying.......puking........its very sad to see a 73 year old act this way, but I guess after a lifetime of it, you get used to it. I just get stressed about finding her dead one day, but its her own doing and I cannot stop her, I have tried, been to every group, councelling, and any help I could find or think of..............she is considered sane so no one can do anything and she still denies it all even when caught from falls where she ended up in hospital with alc. tests higher than the limit...............
You just do the best you can, you cannot live others lives for you no matter how close to you they are and you cannot take on the burden of their issues.
I wish you so much luck!!! YOu can do it, I am doing it and so you can too I am sure!!!

Linda

[Italianangel]

I recently put my back out cuz of lifting my mom on one of her benders..........and for the past few months was in pain, for some days could not sit, lay or walk..........but I kept at it, and refuse to lift her again, I will simply call am ambulance if my guy does not help - he is not to supportive there eitehr, he is scared of her actually and not used to dealing with this kinda of thing as his family is a bit less drama oriented and put their kids first, unlike my mom. My dad did but he died in 1989 so since then I have been on my own taking care of her.
Linda

[Italianangel]

Originally Posted by Akers1021

From a guys competitive view:

I would LOVE it if my wife was involved in competing. It would make the Diet easier as she would buy things she knew I could not eat during dieting. My first 2 shows my wife came and watched and was supportive. The last 2 she has complained the 16 weeks and said things like " I can't wait til you can eat normal" etc...

She does like the fact that I stay in shape, she just hates the competitive part of the game. I think mostly because of the drugs usage she knows that is and always will be in the NPC/IFBB. Now that I am planning on doing a National show she knows that the game will change a bit. I don't think she will be very happy, however she loves it when I WIN just hates the vanity and egos of the sport....

Funny cuz my guy was into bb when I first met him in 1990 and ironically he helped me from an anorexic state to get into lifting and change my body, and then 1999 I guess he felt I ran with it too far.......and began feeling uncomfortable with the way I was taking competing so serious. But he now sees its a huge part of my life and business so he says less but again its more like he just ignores that part of my life.
I wish he was more like you! I would love to do pairs with him and such, he is a natural, perfect genetics, he goes to train twice in a week and drops 10 lbs, gets tight and fit and big so fast but he is nearing 40 and I keep telling him if he does not get that mentality back he will lose it! He is now 40 lbs over weight, lost most of his muscle where he used to be 185 bulky with body fat, went to 150 almost with a pack ready to compete but now he lost a lot of lats, forearms, and biceps from job change so maybe he has his own demons and takes it out on me, who knows, whatever............

[firecracker3]

This life can and often does take over. When we are constantly training, eating, preparing, resting, etc we tend to forget there are those that knew us before lol...I know that when I get into mode those closest to me get their backs up. I go from a health conscious, full of energy gal to all of a sudden passing up on outings, going to bed before 9 and mentally calculating calories in and out.

He is likely proud of you but perhaps worried? Frustrated? Concerned? All valid points. IMO you should have a discussion with him without accsations and find out the area that bugs him the most. Good luck. Not all can boast a supportive spouse. Hope it works out for you in the end no matter the outcome

[promet1]

Show Prep is a tough gig no dought, I'm married over 20 years and have a spose that is 100% behind me...Yep I know I'm very luckey.

Lots of good insite in this thread.....On thing I do is there is a sports grill near my house that I sopke to the owner, he has the kitchen make me 8oz of grilled chicken breast..."plain" and a big garden salad with a little tomato and cucumbers.
I bring my own derssing that I make with a tsp flax oil with 2-3 tsp flavored vinagar and spices. We go once or twice a week, my wife can enjoy what ever she wants (and still makes good choices) and were out togather.
I have my Ice tea or water wile she has a glass of wine.....It also make us feel like a normal people for an hour or so..gettin out being served ect.

I also WORK at being a part of the family conversation.... leaving diet, progress, and schedule out of the conversation for that time.

We eat the same Basic protien for dinner (fish,chicken or turkey Flank steak once a week) I do most of the cooking of the protiens wile my wife makes up our salads and veggies (steamed plain of course), We then make rice,potatos or baked fries that my wife and daughter add to there dinner. When I cook the dinner protiens I also cook my next days meals and offer my wife if I can make her up a lunch, pack it up and put it away all as a course of dinner clean up, this way it dose not seem like I'm just cooking and worring about my self. I do most of my cardio in the early morining when everyone is still sleeping. I have coffee made and breakfast cooken when my wife comes down. She likes eggwhites and one egg with wheat toast. I have my eggwhites and oatmeal and protien shake. I make an effort to chatch up at breakfast and No Diet or workout talk...Just about work and family.

It was easy for me to get into this mode because when I need to chat about progress, feeling like ****, or having a killer workout she is there for ME !

Great relationships take work and give and take !!

Good luck and I hope some of my insite will help

[jesika1985]

my boyfriend and i argued about EVERYTHING at first. He doesnt work out so he was constantly bitching "why cant you just work out like a normal person...bla bla bla... competing wont get you anywhere... so youre gonna be a professional figure competitor? lets be serious" and so on. but now we go about our own business, im barely ever home and have basically become roomates, aside from having sex. Lol, I see nothing wrong with this, its like having a boyfriend but not really.... morbid to some, but works for me.

[dvsness]

I'm so grateful to have someone who is as engulfed in this sport/industry as I am. My family, however, thinks I should be barefoot and pregnant and has no qualms about telling me I'm wasting my life. Family we are stuck with. Companions are people we choose. I couldn't fathom choosing to be with someone who was not supportive.

[edwillis3]

Is your guy still unsupportive or has he gotten better, especially with your show coming up?