O/T There Should Be A Joke Thread... - Page 37

IDZ · 10-15-2008, 08:50 AM

An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "What'll you have?" The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please." So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more. The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low, I'll bring you a fresh cold one." The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together. The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more. The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died." The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine----I just quit drinking

MsBodyhard · 10-15-2008, 10:47 AM

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you." "Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."

George was broken-hearted. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Dianne said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Dianne is your half sister too, George. I'm awfully sorry about this." George was livid!

He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, dad tells me the girl is my half sister." "Hehehe," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father."

SP1966 · 10-15-2008, 10:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MsBodyhard

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you." "Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."

George was broken-hearted. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Dianne said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Dianne is your half sister too, George. I'm awfully sorry about this." George was livid!

He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, dad tells me the girl is my half sister." "Hehehe," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father."

This is really a joke and not a family tradition right?

MsBodyhard · 10-15-2008, 11:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SP1966

This is really a joke and not a family tradition right?

In my world it is really a joke not sure in yours

SP1966 · 10-15-2008, 11:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MsBodyhard

In my world it is really a joke not sure in yours

My daughters are smart, beautiful, big hearted... do you really think they are mine?

MsBodyhard · 10-15-2008, 11:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SP1966

My daughters are smart, beautiful, big hearted... do you really think they are mine?

that is a question for your Wife

MsBodyhard · 10-15-2008, 11:13 AM

A lady about seven months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself.

The main replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said "The Gold Dust Twins are coming," and I had to smile.

"Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Sloan's Liniment will reduce the swelling" and I had to grin.

"Then she placed herself under a sign that said "William's Big Stick Did the Trick" and I could hardly control myself.

"BUT...when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident," I laughed out loud."

"Case Dismissed!" said the Judge.

dbx · 10-15-2008, 02:29 PM

INNOCENCE IS PRICELESS

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it. The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, 'Good morning, Alex.'

''Good morning, Pastor,' he replied, still focused on the plaque. 'Pastor, what is this?' The pastor said, 'Well son , it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.' Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked, 'Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:45?'

MsBodyhard · 10-15-2008, 05:36 PM

This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. "But what the heck," he says, "I really want a drink."

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the customer, "What's the name of your penis?"

The customer says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."

The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called 'Nike,' for the slogan, 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his 'Snickers,' because 'It really Satisfies."

The customer looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. The customer asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?"

The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX."

The thirsty customer asks, "Why Timex?"

The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!"

A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right, who is sipping a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you call your penis?"

The man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because 'Quality is Job 1.' " Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately?"

Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is 'Secret.' Now give me my beer."

The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why secret?"

The customer says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!"

dbx · 10-21-2008, 11:04 AM

The Zipper

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt

was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind

her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her slack to raise

her leg She tried to take the step, only To discover that she couldn't.

So a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her

skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the Step.

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg With a

little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little

More and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large man who was standing behind her picked her up easily

by the waist and placed her gently on the step of bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, 'How dare you

touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'

The Kentuckian smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you,

but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends

Mark1T · 10-21-2008, 06:26 PM

SP1966 · 10-22-2008, 09:49 AM

''''My God! What happened to you?'''' the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.

''''I got in a tiff with Riley.''''

''''Riley? He''s just a wee fellow,'''' the barkeep said, surprised. ''''He must have had something in his hand.''''

''''That he did,'''' Kelly said. ''''A shovel it was.''''

''''Dear Lord. Didn''t you have anything in your hand?''''

''''Aye, that I did -- Mrs. Riley''s left boob.'''' Kelly said. ''''And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight.

SP1966 · 10-22-2008, 09:51 AM

A little boy was in his room playing with himself, when his father walked in.

"Son! If you masturbate too much, you're gonna go blind!"

"Dad," the boy said, "I'm over here."

domineaux · 10-25-2008, 08:49 AM

It's all in the neck

maryinmesquite · 10-27-2008, 09:27 AM

Subject: SAD NEWS Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

If this made you smile for even a brief second, please rise to the occasion and take time to pass it on and share that smile with someone else who may be having a crumby day and kneads a lift.

japetro · 10-27-2008, 04:51 PM

One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go home
and think of a story and then conclude with the moral of that story.
The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer
to tell a story. Suzy said, "Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the
truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday
we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the
road." The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies,
"Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."

Next is little Lucy. "Well, my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we
take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only
8 of the 12 eggs hatched." The teacher asks for the moral of the story.
Lucy replies "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

Last is little Billy. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his plane
was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with
only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he
drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of
100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun but ran out of
bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on
his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands".
The teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any
moral to his story. Billy replies, "Don't f*ck with uncle Ted when he's
been drinking."

jtroster · 11-13-2008, 01:11 PM

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.

She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl Sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned With tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?

I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.

Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.'

Reality_Check · 11-17-2008, 03:39 AM

1. That's not right..........................Sum Ting Wong
2. Are you harbouring a fugitive........Hu Yu Hai Ding
3. See me ASAP.............................Kum Hia
4. Small Horse...............................Tai Ni Po Ni
5. Did you go to the beach..............Wai Yu So Tan
6. I bumped the coffee table............Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
7. I think you need a face lift...........Chin Tu Fat
8. It's very dark in here...................Wai So Dim
9. This is a tow away zone..............No Pah King
10. Our meeting is next week............Wai Yu Kum Nao
11. Staying out of sight....................Lei Ying Lo
12. He's cleaning his automobile.........Wa Shing Ka
13. Your body odor is offensive..........Yu Stin Ki Pu
14. Great.......................................Fa Kin Su Pa

Skidmarx · 11-17-2008, 04:02 AM

A priest checked in to a hotel and says to the receptionist...
"Please make sure the porn is disabled, my dear"

Receptionist replied...
"We have porn, but it's regular porn, you sick bastard"

Geoff Richards · 12-04-2008, 03:15 AM

Dear wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that
I'm leaving you forever.
I've been a good man to you for 7 years & I
have nothing to show for it.
These last 2 weeks have been hell.

Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job
today & that was the
last straw. Last week, you came home & didn't
even notice I had a new
haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore
a brand new pair of
silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight
to sleep after
watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you
love me anymore; you
don't want sex or anything that connects us as
husband & wife. Either
you're cheating on me or you don't love me
anymore; whatever the case,
I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband
P.S. don't try to find me. Your SISTER & I are
moving away to West
Virginia together! Have a great life!

Dear Ex-Husband

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your
letter.

It's true you & I have been married for 7
years, although a good man is
a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps
so much because they
drown out your constant whining & griping. Too bad
that doesn't work. I
DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the
1st thing that
came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!'
Since my mother raised me
not to say anything if you can't say something
nice, I didn't comment.
And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have
gotten me confused
with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years
ago. About those
new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the
$49.99 price tag was
still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence
that my sister had just
borrowed $50 from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you & felt we
could work it out. So
when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my
job & bought us 2
tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.
Everything happens
for a reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted.
My lawyer said
that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a
dime from me.

So take care.

Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my
sister Carla was born
Carl.

I hope that's not a problem.

wide lats · 01-14-2009, 09:32 AM

A typical day in Ireland .... Paddy was sitting outside his farm with a sign hed painted saying "BOAT FOR SALE", when Mick saw what hed done he said to his mate "Paddy, what in the hell - you dont have a boat you got a tractor and a car!!!"

Padddy said "Dats right Mick, theyre boat for sale!"

Geoff Richards · 01-16-2009, 02:59 AM

The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St.. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven..'
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..
'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man.
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man.. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.
That's the best part,' St. Peter replied.. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick.
This is Heaven!'

The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or....'
'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'

The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your f....ing bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!'

alexander1983 · 01-19-2009, 02:01 PM

wicked jokes Mark1T! reps

jtroster · 01-22-2009, 06:27 AM

A mother and her very young son were flying Westjet Airlines from Ottawa to Calgary. The boy, who had been quietly looking out the window, turned to his mother and said, 'If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?'

The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant. So the boy walked down the aisle and asked the attendant, who was extremely busy serving drinks.

She smiled and asked, 'Did your Mom tell you to ask me?'

The boy answered, 'Yes.'

'Well, you go and tell your Mom that there are no baby airplanes because Westjet always pulls out on time. Have your Mom explain that to you.'

Geoff Richards · 01-30-2009, 02:18 AM

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'

The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'T here's absolutely nothing wrong with
The way you have intercourse.'

He thanks them for coming, he
Wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.

The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row.

The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'

The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.

She's married so we can't go to
Her house.

I'm married and we can't go to my house.

The Holiday Inn charges $98.

The Hilton charges $139.

We do it here for $50, and
I get $43 back from Medicare.

jtroster · 04-02-2009, 05:55 AM

jtroster · 04-07-2009, 10:59 AM

A man boarded an aeroplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blond female crew member to take care of the box for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He pointedly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, mentioned that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin,
"Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans , please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:
1. Men never learn.
2. Blonds aren't as dumb as most men think.

jtroster · 04-15-2009, 10:50 AM

Stan died. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife Sarah turned to her oldest and dearest friend, "Well, I'm sure Stan would be pleased," she said.

"I'm sure you're right." replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close, "How much did this really cost?"?

"All of it," said Sarah . "Thirty thousand."

"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"

Sarah answered, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the synagogue. The whiskey, wine and snacks were another $500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone."

Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a Memorial Stone? My God, how big is it ?"?

"Two and a half carats."

Freddie Beef · 04-15-2009, 10:57 AM

A mother and daughter were walking thru a park and saw 2 people having sex on a bench, the daughter asked what are they doing mom? The mom replied, they are making cakes dear.

Later on they went to the zoo, the daughter saw 2 monkees doing it and asked her mom, what are they doing? The mom replied, the monkees are making cakes.

The next morning at breakfast, the daughter looked at her mom and dad and said, you 2 were makin cakes last night. THe mother replied, how do you know that? THe daughter then said, because I licked the icing off the couch.

Yes nasty, but funny.

jtroster · 04-20-2009, 06:19 AM

Only software geeks will get this one: