O/T There Should Be A Joke Thread...

[chodan9]

A young man walks into a bar and orders a straight whiskey.
he throws it back a promptly orders another.
the bartender says "are you celebrating?"
he says "yeah sorta, I am celebrating my first blowjob"
the bartender says " well hell boy, here's one on the house"
The young man says "Just leave the bottle, it'll take more than a couple shots to get the taste out of my mouth!"

[joed]

If you need a laugh, read through these children's science exam answers:

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large
pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends
to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs .

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and
the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains
the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E,
I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does 'varicose' mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.'
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome

Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

[SP1966]

Originally Posted by joed

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

LOL, this explains so much...

[Whiskeyjack]

Originally Posted by chodan9

A young man walks into a bar and orders a straight whiskey.
he throws it back a promptly orders another.
the bartender says "are you celebrating?"
he says "yeah sorta, I am celebrating my first blowjob"
the bartender says " well hell boy, here's one on the house"
The young man says "Just leave the bottle, it'll take more than a couple shots to get the taste out of my mouth!"

hahahahahaha

[maryinmesquite]

Don't Tease Little Old Ladies!!!!!!

Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April
1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm
spring
evening,
when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defence Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years
ago.

Defence Attorney:
What happened ne xt?

Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that
good in
years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told
him:
Take me, young man. Take me now!

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the

little bastard!

[Nota]

[maryinmesquite]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.



The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'




'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.




A short time later the waitress returns with the order , 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.



The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'




The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'




Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.




This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.



'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.




'Same,' says the ostrich.



Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'



Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.



The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'




'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'




'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'




'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.




The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'




The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'

[Crookshanks]

Three vampires walk into a bar. One orders a blood on the rocks. Another orders a double blood. The third simply asks for a mug of hot water.

"Why didn't you order blood like everyone else?" asks the bartender.

The vampire pulls out a tampon and says, "I'm making tea!"

[Keltron]

Originally Posted by maryinmesquite

The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'

LMAO!

[SP1966]

Originally Posted by maryinmesquite

The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'

Mary made a funny!! LOL

[Keltron]

This suit is NOTTTT black...
This suit is blacknot...
This suit is black, pause, not.
This suit is black............................................. ..........NOT!

[domineaux]

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher, who's hand was caught in the gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his bid to be our president.

The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Obama is a 'Post Turtle''.

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was.
The old rancher said, 'When your driving down a country road on you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'.

The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. 'You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, and he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with'.

[AlanBee]

A parrot swallows a Viagra tablet.

His owner, disgusted, puts him in the freezer to cool off.

Later when he opens the freezer, he finds the parrot sweating.

"How come you are sweating?" he asks.

The parrot replies, "Do you know how hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken?"

[GuyJin]

A young Japanese man who can't speak English very well goes to the USA to learn English and Western culture. On his first day, he walks into a Greek restaurant and says: "I'd rike a prate of flied lice, please."

Naturally, the owner, the chef, and the other patrons laugh at his poor pronunciation. Undeterred, he comes back the next day, and the same thing happens all over again. After a couple more times, the young man finally gets the idea that his pronunciation stinks. So, he studies and studies and studies, watches movies and TV, goes to English class every day, and learns.

After a month, he goes back to the restaurant and says in perfect English with perfect pronunciation: "I'd like a plate of fried rice, please." The other people in the restaurant can't believe it. The owner, whose English is not that great himself, asks him: "Wha' you say?"

Slightly peeved, the Japanese fellow answers: "I'd like a plate of fried rice--you flucking Gleek!"

[jtroster]

She was standing in the kitchen
Preparing to poach eggs for breakfast,
Wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in almost awake,
She turned and said softly,
'You've got to make love to me this very moment.'

My eyes lit up and I thought,
'I am either still dreaming or
This is going to be my lucky day.'

Not wanting to lose the moment,
I embraced her and then gave it my all;
Right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her
'T' shirt still around her neck.

A little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'

She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.'

[sytennison]

Y'all have probably heard this one before, but that doesn't mean you can't hear it again...

A young bull and an old bull were sitting on a hill watching the cows down in the valley. The young bull exclaimed to the old bull, "Hey, let's run down there and boink one of those cows!" To which, the wise old bull replied, "How about if we walk down there instead and boink 'em all?"

[WarEagle12]

An electrical engineer, mechanical engineer, and a civil engineer were sitting down for lunch and a discussion began as to what kind of engineer God was.

The electrical engineer stated, "God must be an electrical engineer because of the vast electrical network of nerves that send signals throughout the body."

The mechanical engineer responds, "God must be a mechanical engineer. What with all the joints, tendons, and muscles that allow the human body to move in so many ways."

After hearing the previous points, the civil engineer retorts, "God is obviously a civil engineer. Only a civil engineer would run a waste water line through a recreational district."

[Aquafina27]

what does the cannibal do after he dumps his girlfriend?





wipes his ass

[rnance]

Check out this audio clip......super funny!!!

http://www.chumfm.com/MorningShow/bits/march24.swf

[Austcy]

A young man has been dating his girlfriend for around 4 years and they are engaged to be married. Since being with his wife to be he has been completly faithful and untempted to stray by anyone, except his wife to bes younger sister..

A few days before the wedding he went to his fiances parents house where she was staying before the wedding, upon entering the house, only his fiances younger sister was in, dressed in tiny shorts and a see through top she beagn parading around the living room explaining that everyone was out and she was all alone.

She lent over to him and whispered in his ear that she wanted wild passionate sex before he was to be married to her sister, she explained what she wanted to do to him and that she had always wanted him.

she whispered that she was going to wait upstairs in the bedroom, he followed her to the stairs and watched her walk up unable to take his eyes of her every curve, as soon as she reached the top he bolted out of the front door to his car, and returned to the house 1 minute later to find his mother in law and father in law standing there with his wife to be smiling and happy.

- moral of the story

always leave your condoms in the CAR

[IDZ]

[DanVanVliet]

I was making love to my wife last night, and she told me to give her 8 and make it hurt. so I poked it in twice and punched her in the mouth.

[CarpenterAnt]

Two blondes walk into a building,

You'd think one of them would have seen it.

[rockeo]

What do u call chesse that's not yours...............NACHO cheese !!!

[c_hopper]

A single man sick of being fat, out of shape, and alone is looking through the classifieds one morning, when an add strikes him.

Lose 10lbs for $10 guaranteed ? 555-555-5555

He has tried everything else so; he picks up the phone and calls. He is told to send the money to this address and wait for 24 hours.

So he does.

Next day the doorbell rings, and it is a beautiful brunette, naked as a jaybird. Except for a sign that says if you can catch me you can have your way with me. And she takes off running through his house. He chases after her for 4 hours finally he catches her and?when they?re done she hands him a note that says go step on the scale. He runs to the scale and sure enough 10lbs exactly.

Excited, He calls the ad and says he wants to lose 20lbs this time. He says send $20 and wait 24 hours.

Next day the doorbell rings and a beautiful blonde, naked except for some running shoes, stand waiting. Same sign. This time he doesn?t bother reading the sign he just starts chasing. After 8 hours he finally catches her and. ?When they?re done she hands him the same note. He runs to the scale and 20lbs lighter. He runs to the phone, thinking this is the best program ever.

Excited he calls the number and says 50lbs this time, the guy asks are you sure-?of course the money is in the mail just make it happen?!

Next day the door bell rings- he is all dressed up with nothing on but some running shoes- when he opens the door?There is a huge gorilla standing there with a sign

?If I catch you - I get to have my way with you!?

[chodan9]

A drunk is in a bar and gets sick and throws up all over his shirt,
"oh crap!!!" he says, "my wife will kill me, she will know I'm drunk!"
the bartender feeling sorry for the guy says "here is what you should do, take a 10 dollar bill and put it in your shirt pocket and tell her someone else threw up on you and gave you 10 dollars to get it cleaned" the drunk says "you're a geniush!! I'l do it!"
SO when he finally gets home his wife confronts him at the door, "what happened to you!?" she asks. "Well" he says " I was out walking around and this drunk comes up a pukes all over my shirt, but dont worry, he gave me 10 bucks for cleaning" she pulls out the bill from his pocket, "this is 20 dollars!" she says. "Oh yeah, I almosht forgot, he crapped my pants too!"

[maryinmesquite]

Two rednecks were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the models.

One says to the other, 'Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?'

The second one replies, 'Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!'

The first one says, with wide eyes, 'Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one.'

The second one smiles and pats him on the back. 'Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too.'

Three weeks later, the youngest redneck asks his friend, 'Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?'

The second redneck replies, 'No, but it shouldn't be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!'

[One More Time]

My fav joke


A guy and his pet monkey were riding across the desert. He sees a sign "Cold Beer Ahead, Last Beer For Miles" so he decides to stop. A sign on the door reads NO PETS. So the guy goes in and says to the bartender, "I know that the sign outside says no pets but I am really thirsty. I have alot of money and I want to drink, but my pet monkey has to come in or he could die in the car". The bartender says, "Well, OK, but keep the monkey away from the customers. Take him to the pool table." The guy gets his monkey, puts him on the pool table and starts drinking. The bartender keeps watching the monkey. All of the sudden the monkey grabs the cue ball and swallows it. The bartender goes off, "Get that friggin' monkey out of here and don't come back!". A few weeks later the same guy comes in the bar. He says, "I am really sorry about last time. I was coming back through again and I need a drink. I disiplined (sp) my monkey. I promise he will not bother you if you let us come in again." The bartender (hating to pass up money), "OK, but keep him away from the pool table! I will be watching him." The guy sits the monkey on the table and starts to drink. The bartender watches in amazement as the monkey picks up a peanut and puts it up his butt. Then he removes it and eats it. The monkey starts to do it again and the bartender yells, "Get that friggin' nasty monkey out of here! Why is he doing that?" The man says, " Well, since he had to sh** a cue ball, he now gauges everything that he eats".

[SP1966]

The Wonderlic Test

1. Is "Making it rain" a

a)phrase b)sentence c)preposition


2. If there are 4 strippers and 20 players on a boat in Lake Minnetonka and each player is allowed five minutes with a stripper, how much time total will the strippers charge for?

3. You are making 4 million dollars a year and you have 9 separate child support payments per month at a rate of $400. Assuming you don't want to borrow the money from your team, how much do you owe per month?

4. Assume the first two statements are true, Is the final one

a)true b)false c)not certain

You get drafted and play for the Cincinnati Bengals. Some players for the Bengals are felons. You will commit a felony.

5. Which one of the following is most different from the others?

a)Elizabeth Hasselbeck b)Jessica Simpson c)Lisa Lampanelli d)Carmela Garcia

6. You are going to the strip club and you have $80,000 in one dollar bills and you have four bags. Assuming you want to split in evenly, how much is in each bag?

7. Condom/Rubber

Do these words

a)have similar meanings b)have contradictory meanings c)mean neither the same nor opposite?

8. Keeping a machete under your bed is a

a)good idea b)bad idea c)uncertain

9. You are drunk and crash your Lamborghini on the highway. The nearest police station is 5 miles away and the police are traveling at a rate of 75mph. How long should you wait before you run away from the scene of the crash?

10. Choose the smallest number from the following group

a)4.4 b)69 c).10

[jtroster]

CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER -- What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-husband and his lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.