Bit of a pickle with my better half

[MovingTarget]

Hi!

Firstly thanks for having a look at the post.

OK i need your help,yes you...you with the hair of great

This may initially sound like a whining turd boyfriend post but it really isn't i love my girlfriend and i'd stick by her side if she'd have me through thick or thin.

Here's the issue not a biggy but i need your...perspective on it.

Because of her job (I.T. bod) my girlfriend gets really bad posture while she sits on her butt all day and because shes management shes in and out of meetings all day grabbing a bite when she can,which usually consists of no breakfast maybe a salad at lunch a big meal in the evening with a glass of wine.

Now because of her posture she gets back pains she's got a physio for a brother so he tells her why its bad and how to improve and shes always moaning about the size of her ass,to which i obviously say she's being ridiculous.

Now we both own gym memberships and shes been about 3 times in as a many months, i know if she went and followed what i told her, and i'm not saying i'm atlas by any means, her back would be improved her ass would sort itself out and she'd de-stress...

I try but fail to motivate...i love my girlfriend and i'm trying my best for her but i'm failing,should i give up and just let her get on with it? That doesn't sound great to me.

So i need your advise your perspective and your help...what was it that motivated you?

Well thanks for those who made it through that text without giving up, its kinda nice to get this off my chest to put down in words what i'm thinking or a very near equivalent.

Dan
xXx

[precisou2004]

Motivation has to come from within her IMHO. She will have to do it on her own free will and not just do it solely because someone tells her to do it. I am putting myself in her shoes so to speak. When I was overweight, someone told me go for walks, do something, etc. Iknew I had to do it but didn't, it just didnt feel like I would get anything done and such. I wasnt motivated and motivation has to come from WITHIN. I wouldn't push her too much but try to go for walks with her, little things do add up.

Not sure if that's of any help but others will have imput too.

GL

[MovingTarget]

OK excellent thanks for your input, makes sense,so what was the...trigger for your motivation?

[precisou2004]

Originally Posted by MovingTarget

OK excellent thanks for your input, makes sense,so what was the...trigger for your motivation?

I went to Simons after work, 2 yrs ago, august 1, 2006, tried on a size 18 and could NOT fit in it.... i REFUSED to even try on a size 20... right there and then I went to the gym and enrolled. Havent stopped ever since

[Angela R]

Sometimes tough love is the best love. Only she can control whether she goes or not, I agree with that 100 percent. But if she is constantly complaining about her back pain and her "huge butt" then tell her shut up or put up. Sympathy rarely fixes a problem.

[RachelC81]

Originally Posted by precisou2004

Motivation has to come from within her IMHO. She will have to do it on her own free will and not just do it solely because someone tells her to do it. I am putting myself in her shoes so to speak. When I was overweight, someone told me go for walks, do something, etc. Iknew I had to do it but didn't, it just didnt feel like I would get anything done and such. I wasnt motivated and motivation has to come from WITHIN. I wouldn't push her too much but try to go for walks with her, little things do add up.

Not sure if that's of any help but others will have imput too.

GL

Totally agree with this. Your mission is patience. Encourage her, but do realize the motivation will have to come from within her.

Perhaps you could suggest that the two of you go to the gym together? My husband used to get up at 5 a.m. so he could go with me to the gym when my schedule allowed. I liked it because I got to spend time with him, and he helped me learn what to do and what not to do.

The motivation for me came after the birth of our daughter in December. I realized I didn't recognize my body anymore, and I was fast approaching Frumpdom. Things jiggled that never had before! Since I don't want to look like I'm in my 60s in my 20s, I decided to do something about it.

[jsmircich]

Originally Posted by precisou2004

Motivation has to come from within her IMHO. She will have to do it on her own free will and not just do it solely because someone tells her to do it. I am putting myself in her shoes so to speak. When I was overweight, someone told me go for walks, do something, etc. Iknew I had to do it but didn't, it just didnt feel like I would get anything done and such. I wasnt motivated and motivation has to come from WITHIN. I wouldn't push her too much but try to go for walks with her, little things do add up.

Not sure if that's of any help but others will have imput too.

GL

I agree with this as well.
I also have a desk job and was having issues with my neck and back. It improved when I focused on my posture (lowering my seat helped as well since I was no longer hunched over the desk.) She may also want to consider a headset if she's on the phone a lot. Many people spend most of their day hunched over - multitasking with the phone on between the ear and the shoulder while typing or writing.

[MovingTarget]

Yep that sounds like her

Well thanks for taking the time to read my rant and help!

Many thanks

[lilly_julia]

is when people complain about their situations when the solution is staring them in the face, only they are too comfortable complaining. Tell her if you were to stay by her side, that you refuse to watch as she prematurely ages. Its not fair to either of you!

[morgansd12]

Originally Posted by MovingTarget

Hi!

Firstly thanks for having a look at the post.

OK i need your help,yes you...you with the hair of great

This may initially sound like a whining turd boyfriend post but it really isn't i love my girlfriend and i'd stick by her side if she'd have me through thick or thin.

Here's the issue not a biggy but i need your...perspective on it.

Because of her job (I.T. bod) my girlfriend gets really bad posture while she sits on her butt all day and because shes management shes in and out of meetings all day grabbing a bite when she can,which usually consists of no breakfast maybe a salad at lunch a big meal in the evening with a glass of wine.

Now because of her posture she gets back pains she's got a physio for a brother so he tells her why its bad and how to improve and shes always moaning about the size of her ass,to which i obviously say she's being ridiculous.

Now we both own gym memberships and shes been about 3 times in as a many months, i know if she went and followed what i told her, and i'm not saying i'm atlas by any means, her back would be improved her ass would sort itself out and she'd de-stress...

I try but fail to motivate...i love my girlfriend and i'm trying my best for her but i'm failing,should i give up and just let her get on with it? That doesn't sound great to me.

So i need your advise your perspective and your help...what was it that motivated you?

Well thanks for those who made it through that text without giving up, its kinda nice to get this off my chest to put down in words what i'm thinking or a very near equivalent.

Dan
xXx

Lol, look around any typical corporate office man. HEaps of fat chicks everywhere.

Thats what you have to look forward to. She has to motivate herself. That can only come by you leaving her. Sad, but true. She puts her busywork on the job ahead of your relationship, so its no big loss.

[femmeFITale]

I definately agree that it has to come from within her. After a certain amount of time slacking, I start to feel terrible. . . mentally and physically. The more you push yourself to get off your butt, the easier it starts to get. The beginning is always the toughest. It sounds like she just needs that initial motivation to get her interested in working out.

The first thing is to make sure you don't sound like you're trying to teach her/tell her what to do/act condescending. Some women can take those types of approach the wrong way and, unfortunately, fling themselves into an endless cycle of resistance to change. Not saying that you do those things, but just stay aware. Secondly, maybe the gym is an intimidating or daunting or boring prospect for her. Help her enjoy working out so that she starts to look forward to it. Mix it up initially so she feels like she's having fun and not "working." Go for a nature walk, hike, bike ride along the ocean/lake/etc., swim at a pool (it's still summer!), or try your hand at kayaking. Sometimes it helps if you make it seem more of like a date or that you're spending quality time together.

Not to be too cheesy but. . . pack up lunch on a weekend and grab a bike/kayak, telling her you guys need to travel somewhere to have a quiet, summer lunch together. It'll only be a matter of time before she finds her niche and decides what type of physical activity she feels is best for her.

Good luck!

[mommyfisc]

yes i agree with the others that motivation must come from within herself but i also think you can spark that motivation to come faster...when she is off work you two can do something fun and active together like going on a hike or a weekend camping trip where you two can connect and go hiking and realize how much better you both feel when you are active and she will realize how much she needs to be in shape to hike further and with more ease you two can connect over a camp fire about your furture together and how cool it is that people who work out regularly look younger as they age and are just healthier and happier and how you want that for you both and your future happy healthy and active for each other and your future family...this is just a suggestion mabey you two like bike riding instead of hiking or a cup of coffee instead of a camp fire... but when she does start working out it may be hard for her be motivating tell her tyhat she is looking tighter and be into her it works for me ...when i back off from working out and i complain about it my husband says then do something about it...kinda harsh but true so when i start doing something he keeps me motivated by saying nice things and making me feel better about myself ..it just encourages me to keep trying harder because i love the attention from him when i am in shape...so for me the motivation comes from him at first but then i start to crave it...working out because it makes me feel better and look better it just feels good but unlike some people no the motivation doesn't come from within me at first it comes from my husband and he sparks it in me and then it takes over...hope this helps some..good luck

Originally Posted by MovingTarget

Hi!

Firstly thanks for having a look at the post.

OK i need your help,yes you...you with the hair of great

This may initially sound like a whining turd boyfriend post but it really isn't i love my girlfriend and i'd stick by her side if she'd have me through thick or thin.

Here's the issue not a biggy but i need your...perspective on it.

Because of her job (I.T. bod) my girlfriend gets really bad posture while she sits on her butt all day and because shes management shes in and out of meetings all day grabbing a bite when she can,which usually consists of no breakfast maybe a salad at lunch a big meal in the evening with a glass of wine.

Now because of her posture she gets back pains she's got a physio for a brother so he tells her why its bad and how to improve and shes always moaning about the size of her ass,to which i obviously say she's being ridiculous.

Now we both own gym memberships and shes been about 3 times in as a many months, i know if she went and followed what i told her, and i'm not saying i'm atlas by any means, her back would be improved her ass would sort itself out and she'd de-stress...

I try but fail to motivate...i love my girlfriend and i'm trying my best for her but i'm failing,should i give up and just let her get on with it? That doesn't sound great to me.

So i need your advise your perspective and your help...what was it that motivated you?

Well thanks for those who made it through that text without giving up, its kinda nice to get this off my chest to put down in words what i'm thinking or a very near equivalent.

Dan
xXx

[darkangel]

You can encourage her, you can be supportive and you can have a serious talk about your concern for her health and longevity, but ultimately, it's up to her to decide to get in shape or not. I do agree that you, as a caring boyfriend, have the right to tell her to "put up or shut up" although I'd phrase it more along the lines of "I don't want to hear you continue to run yourself down when you're not willing to do anything about it."

In my experience, there comes a point in the relationship where you have to ask yourself - if this situation never changes (or gets worse), is it a deal breaker for me in this relationship? If so, it's time to think about moving on.

[MovingTarget]

Oh man... there i was just imaging that i cuold get her hiking with me and the dog,swim together or go kayaking and whilst we're there possibly go fishing for condoms in the canal...

Then i have to dump her!

Ok Thanks for all the help,so;

1.Encourage more pyshical activities together(oh grow up) like hiking swimming and pass it off as together time...

2.Make a big deal out of something small shes done...like a dog,sounds a bit too pavlovian.

3. Tell her to shut the hell up next time she moans about her butt and won't do something about it.

Right well i might be making light of your help,but it is all sinking in.

Cheers
Dan

[prev_lurker]

Originally Posted by lilly_julia

is when people complain about their situations when the solution is staring them in the face, only they are too comfortable complaining. Tell her if you were to stay by her side, that you refuse to watch as she prematurely ages. Its not fair to either of you!

I agree 100%. It is easy to be lazy. Highly processed sugary fattening foods taste great and for most of us have been used since our early childhood as anything from comfort to encouragement to reward to love and everything in between. And now as adults, we can get that same "comfort" feeling easily on any street corner at any fast food establishment.

Ultimately, there is nothing you can do to motivate your girlfriend in my opinion. She needs to realize her potential and decide for herself what it is. If she's happy being an overweight unfit woman, that's fine for her. But is it okay for you? There may be a few lifestyle changes as mentioned above to get her more mobile and fit without forcing her to the gym, but still only she can control what she does and what she puts in her mouth. We all have busy lives, and having a job is not an excuse to be unhealthy.

If she wants to be healthier, she'll change her lifestyle. If she wants to find excuses to not change, she'll continue to make those as well.

[Rainessa]

Well there is another side to it (depending on if it was just comments/ranting or actual questions). Something I see a lot between my husband and I and my sister and her husband. Often we complain about something or talk about a problem we have or discuss something we want to change to our spouse. Now often we mean it as just expressing frustration after a long day, talking things through, just generally sharing our thoughts. Now on the other hand, my husband is very logical and often he takes my comments when I mean "hey let me share with you my day and thoughts like I would my sister since I no longer live close to her and you are my best friend" he often hears "hey i have a problem please solve it for me".

Complaining about things can just be venting, not asking for help. So yah, Id agree with the suggesting (as if you just wanted to do something together) an activity or working out together rather than telling her to hit the gym which would translate in her mind to "you fat slob".

I think there was a Dilbert strip to that affect. Date complains to Dilbert about various things in her life, he writes up with a solution plan of action for her to "fix" her, she gets mad at him for thinking she was "broke".