the mother rant.

I don't post a whole lot, I like to read mostly and comment from time to time.
But because I'm so irked I'll go ahead and vent a little and hopefully some of you will understand!

My mother is awesome, I love her to death. She has been through a lot in her life, and I admire her strength and determination.
But when it comes to talking about weight loss or getting in shape, I just can't stand to talk to her.

She was probably over 200lbs in 2010, now she's weighing in at 157 [she is around 5' 8 or 9"] and aiming to lose a few more. She wants to be toned though... obviously after birthing 3 children and being over 200lbs her skin is more lose and whatnot. I've tried tell her YOU HAVE TO USE WEIGHTS. Most of her weight loss has come from dieting, she doesn't run or do tons of cardio, and she has never lifted a weight. But she refuses to believe me that she has to work out to get the tone she wants.

I can't even tell you the number of times she's told me to take it easy with the weight lifting, stop being so obsessed with muscle, etc etc etc. She actually said to me not long ago "I think you need to see someone about this. It's not normal for a girl to be so obsessed with lifting weights and wanting muscle. No normal guy will find that attractive when you look like a man." She actually wanted me to seek counseling lol... because she thought there is something going on inside me that I feel the need to lift weights and be strong.

I actually laugh just re-reading that.

Today we were talking and I told her my goal weight is 135-140 and I'm at 130 stead the last week or so. I sent her the picture below of Nicole Wilkins off season as kind of a close image to what my goal is [thinking her off season look would be much more acceptable to my mother vs. the cut contest look lol] She said "Her shoulders and arms are too big and she has no boobs." [I have explained to my mom I plan on getting a boob job to maintain a normal/natural size] She then proceeded to tell me that 140 is heavy for 5' 5". I then explained to her that no, not when it's muscle. And explained how two people that are 5' 5" and 140 can actually look like complete opposites. How there is a difference between me being 140 and 12-15% bodyfat and me being 140 and being 25-30% body fat. She didn't get it. She assumed that meant I was going to be all cut and jacked and manly looking and asked me "What does [insert husbands name] think of it, does he find it attractive? Why do you want to be so bulky?"

At this point I gave up and stopped replying and came here lol. I could go on and on and on about the absurd things my mother says to me/about me. She honestly doesnt get it. I want to be healthy, strong and fit lol not a man. I'm far from manly....as most of you would be able to tell from looking at my Avi and stats haha I'm still pretty thin. I hope I'm not the only one with a delusional mother. Anyways....


[img]http://kalibergym.no/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/nicole-offseason-2008.jpg[/img]

[QUOTE=girlsagymaholic;986430203]I don't post a whole lot, I like to read mostly and comment from time to time.
But because I'm so irked I'll go ahead and vent a little and hopefully some of you will understand!

My mother is awesome, I love her to death. She has been through a lot in her life, and I admire her strength and determination.
But when it comes to talking about weight loss or getting in shape, I just can't stand to talk to her.

She was probably over 200lbs in 2010, now she's weighing in at 157 [she is around 5' 8 or 9"] and aiming to lose a few more. She wants to be toned though... obviously after birthing 3 children and being over 200lbs her skin is more lose and whatnot. I've tried tell her YOU HAVE TO USE WEIGHTS. Most of her weight loss has come from dieting, she doesn't run or do tons of cardio, and she has never lifted a weight. But she refuses to believe me that she has to work out to get the tone she wants.

I can't even tell you the number of times she's told me to take it easy with the weight lifting, stop being so obsessed with muscle, etc etc etc. She actually said to me not long ago "I think you need to see someone about this. It's not normal for a girl to be so obsessed with lifting weights and wanting muscle. No normal guy will find that attractive when you look like a man." She actually wanted me to seek counseling lol... because she thought there is something going on inside me that I feel the need to lift weights and be strong.

I actually laugh just re-reading that.

Today we were talking and I told her my goal weight is 135-140 and I'm at 130 stead the last week or so. I sent her the picture below of Nicole Wilkins off season as kind of a close image to what my goal is [thinking her off season look would be much more acceptable to my mother vs. the cut contest look lol] She said "Her shoulders and arms are too big and she has no boobs." [I have explained to my mom I plan on getting a boob job to maintain a normal/natural size] She then proceeded to tell me that 140 is heavy for 5' 5". I then explained to her that no, not when it's muscle. And explained how two people that are 5' 5" and 140 can actually look like complete opposites. How there is a difference between me being 140 and 12-15% bodyfat and me being 140 and being 25-30% body fat. She didn't get it. She assumed that meant I was going to be all cut and jacked and manly looking and asked me "What does [insert husbands name] think of it, does he find it attractive? Why do you want to be so bulky?"

At this point I gave up and stopped replying and came here lol. I could go on and on and on about the absurd things my mother says to me/about me. She honestly doesnt get it. I want to be healthy, strong and fit lol not a man. I'm far from manly....as most of you would be able to tell from looking at my Avi and stats haha I'm still pretty thin. I hope I'm not the only one with a delusional mother. Anyways....


[img]http://kalibergym.no/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/nicole-offseason-2008.jpg[/img][/QUOTE]

Your AVI makes me air hump. Your Mom will never get it. Just stop trying to explain because sometimes they literally CANNOT accept what you have to say.

[QUOTE=Fawnl;986437793]Your AVI makes me air hump. Your Mom will never get it. Just stop trying to explain because sometimes they literally CANNOT accept what you have to say.[/QUOTE]

Yeah I think it just makes me mad that's she'll come to me saying "my skin is still lose on my arms and legs" and when I try to explain how and why lifting will help she goes all crazy on me how I'm gonna be all manly and must have some psychological issues lol. I'm def done trying to explain or talk to her about it. UGH.

And lol at air humping, you've made some awesome progress yourself!!

listen to your mother, go get counseling.

no one wants a manly looking chick with muscles

=)

Urgh my Mother said to me "I hope you don't get abs, they don't look good in a bikini". My Mother in Law told me that women aren't meant to have muscles, they should be soft". I try not to take on board comments like this because it only ends up upsetting me. I just don't talk about it with them anymore. My Mother also told my husband that his legs were too skinny the other day while upset him little bit. He's on a cut and I couldn't be bothered explaining the whole bulk/cut thing. I just ignore most people these days.

Sorry not to quote... prepping supper and what not!

But...NotBigEnough, lol yes yes I am so grotesque and manly i must seek help immediately lol!

Botika... Sounds like my mother! I find that her being so negative about my goals is really just her own lack of security and confidence and she's trying to bring me down too. At least that's how I've chosen to look at it... and I'm def done talking to her about it if she has nothing nice to say especially after all the advice and help I've tried giving her when she asks.

Can't make everyone happy, and to be honest that picture of Nicole Wilkins... you either have to have pretty low self esteem to pick her apart or be more perfect than her... I can give you one guess where my mother falls.

people will always have something to say no matter what...just smile and nod
also would impregnate...unless you have a face like danny devito

[QUOTE=girlsagymaholic;986451033]Sorry not to quote... prepping supper and what not!

But...NotBigEnough, lol yes yes I am so grotesque and manly i must seek help immediately lol!

[/QUOTE]

yes go get help now, mother is correct, your muscles will scare normal men, and its scaring me right now.

I always feel guilty reading these kinds of posts...I've been a bit lucky with my mom; since she used to compete back in the 80's, I'll never hear a peep from her about being bulky. The worst thing with her is that she has "let herself go" and doesn't really care enough about herself anymore to get back in any kind of shape. A lot of things are changing this year though, starting with her quitting her second job, so hopefully with the extra time in the evenings she'll at least start going for walks and cooking at home versus hitting the drive thru all the time!

Often those closest to us are the most critical and unsupportive, which really sucks at times when your working so hard to achieve your goals.
I think dedication to weights ( or obsession in their eyes) is only something others who train can understand.

Your looking good btw

Hm... I am seeing a counselor - one of the greatest decisions in my life! But I avoid talking to my mother, especially on this subject - she weighs about 250 pounds, never been able to lose any and she's jealous. Long time I couldn't accept the idea that parent could be jealous of their kids - oh,man, they could!!!
I don't agree with the boob job - your personal decision! However - lifting weights and any kind of physical exercise is wonderful! I believe you're not a silly girl - you know how far you want to go. My personal inspiration is Pauline Nordin - this is a hardcore chick - show her to your mother and she'd give you support on your body goals lol I also think in the process you might find yourself accepting your body the way it is - follow your body, don't push it to be like someone else's and in the end you will have the greatest result. We're all given exactly what we need to develop the best for ourselves. I still want to lose some fat but I am happy with myself the way I am right now! :)
NORMAL MEN WHO GET SCARED OF FEMALE MUSCLES ARE NOT REAL MEN!
Frankly, I get to see more real men at ballet recently!

OP, you look gorgeous. I'd just ignore your mother, to be honest.

[QUOTE=girlsagymaholic;986451033]Sorry not to quote... prepping supper and what not!

But...NotBigEnough, lol yes yes I am so grotesque and manly i must seek help immediately lol!

Botika... Sounds like my mother! [B]I find that her being so negative about my goals is really just her own lack of security and confidence and she's trying to bring me down too.[/B] At least that's how I've chosen to look at it... and I'm def done talking to her about it if she has nothing nice to say especially after all the advice and help I've tried giving her when she asks.

Can't make everyone happy, and to be honest that picture of Nicole Wilkins... [B]you either have to have pretty low self esteem to pick her apart or be more perfect than her... I can give you one guess where my mother falls.[/B][/QUOTE]
1. The serious bit: Incidentally, the other day I wrote up (but decided not to post) a rant about people pulling the jealousy card. Fun fact: Most people aren't the skanky 16yo girls from Mean Girls, who are pretty much the only people on Earth who give negative feedback out of jealousy. Once high school is over, when someone who is isn't a complete piece of $#!7 in all aspects of life (which your mother is not, by the sounds of things) says that they're concerned about what you're doing, they think it's bad, they think it's bad for you, they think you shouldn't be doing it....what they mean is that they're concerned about what you're doing, they think it's bad, they think it's bad for you, they think you shouldn't be doing it. Most grown ups go out of their way not to be offensive, instead of pulling out tall-poppy syndrome. Now, your mother's concerns might be misguided (then again, given the tendency of people training for physique goals to permanently have their ideal body just out of reach, legitimate mental health issues are something to legitimately keep a watchful eye over; so she may not be as "dellusional" as you say), but I sincerely doubt that she makes these comments because she's jealous, or because she's insecure about herself. For what it's worth, I'm a male, and on the rare occasion that I talk about my body composition goals, an alert goes off in my parents' heads that there's an eating disorder/body dysmorphic disorder intervention lingering around the corner. I am 100% certain that's it's not them jealous of me, or insecure about their bodies. It's because they don't want their son to go bat$#!7 crazy. It's because they don't want their son to end up on steroids and all sorts of other dangerous substances, chasing after a physique that isn't even that appealing. It's because they don't want their son wrecking his body, his work life and his social life. Stereotypically, females are perceived to be more prone to body image issues than males, so all the concerns that my parents have over me can only be expected to be dialled into overdrive for you.

2. The not serious bit: Does your mum have boobs? Because that would be a point in her favour over Nicole Wilkins ;)

[QUOTE=rdferguson;986523863]

2. The not serious bit: Does your mum have boobs? Because that would be a point in her favour over Nicole Wilkins ;)[/QUOTE] I know your not srs about the boobs, so not having a go, it just prompted me to say I actually think not having fake boobs looks pretty sexy too, it adds to the athletic appeal IMO ( and yes i have no boobs lol)

[QUOTE=rdferguson;986523863]1. The serious bit: Incidentally, the other day I wrote up (but decided not to post) a rant about people pulling the jealousy card. Fun fact: Most people aren't the skanky 16yo girls from Mean Girls, who are pretty much the only people on Earth who give negative feedback out of jealousy. Once high school is over, when someone who is isn't a complete piece of $#!7 in all aspects of life (which your mother is not, by the sounds of things) says that they're concerned about what you're doing, they think it's bad, they think it's bad for you, they think you shouldn't be doing it....what they mean is that they're concerned about what you're doing, they think it's bad, they think it's bad for you, they think you shouldn't be doing it. Most grown ups go out of their way not to be offensive, instead of pulling out tall-poppy syndrome. Now, your mother's concerns might be misguided (then again, given the tendency of people training for physique goals to permanently have their ideal body just out of reach, legitimate mental health issues are something to legitimately keep a watchful eye over; so she may not be as "dellusional" as you say), but I sincerely doubt that she makes these comments because she's jealous, or because she's insecure about herself. For what it's worth, I'm a male, and on the rare occasion that I talk about my body composition goals, an alert goes off in my parents' heads that there's an eating disorder/body dysmorphic disorder intervention lingering around the corner. I am 100% certain that's it's not them jealous of me, or insecure about their bodies. It's because they don't want their son to go bat$#!7 crazy. It's because they don't want their son to end up on steroids and all sorts of other dangerous substances, chasing after a physique that isn't even that appealing. It's because they don't want their son wrecking his body, his work life and his social life. Stereotypically, females are perceived to be more prone to body image issues than males, so all the concerns that my parents have over me can only be expected to be dialled into overdrive for you.

2. The not serious bit: Does your mum have boobs? Because that would be a point in her favour over Nicole Wilkins ;)[/QUOTE]


1. This has been going on my whole life, my mom has always cut my body down in one way or another. She is not a piece of **** or a bitch by any means, but she is insecure from years of being over weight and physically and verbally abused and a lot of the verbal abuse always included put down about her being a whale/fat ace.

I was home in March for a wedding, 5ft 5in [says the doc, i think i'm 5ft 6in.] and weighing 115lbs, my mother had the audacity to tell me I was getting pudgy because I put on 3lbs. This comment came right after we had talked about her weight loss she was around 170 at the time. Anytime fitness, health, and weight loss come up it always end with her being negative. If I stop lifting weights and go back to 115 she will still have something to say.

I love her to death, she has been through a lot, and she is def. one of my heros after all we've been through. But she does have issues with cutting people down in the nicest way she can.

2. Lol nope, my mother is small chested as well... smaller than me actually.



And thanks for the input everyone, definitely glad I'm not the only one! I am hoping when she actually physically sees me she will realize I'm totally NOT bulky by any means. I only see her twice a year so she can't actually see what I look like a 130-140lbs until I visit...maybe it'll give her a better idea of what I say by body fat vs. lean muscle mass.

OP, you look great and you are an adult.
Our parents often consider us rejecting their values or becoming drastically different as "rebellion" and it is extremely hard for them to accept.
Even if your path is a healthier lifestyle as a whole. Plus they are deeply rooted in stereotypes.
(Yes, I am a parent, too and I have a mother who is not supportive of my efforts.)
Stay true to you.

[QUOTE=Madi-J;986474183]I always feel guilty reading these kinds of posts...I've been a bit lucky with my mom; since she used to compete back in the 80's, I'll never hear a peep from her about being bulky. The worst thing with her is that she has "let herself go" and doesn't really care enough about herself anymore to get back in any kind of shape. A lot of things are changing this year though, starting with her quitting her second job, so hopefully with the extra time in the evenings she'll at least start going for walks and cooking at home versus hitting the drive thru all the time![/QUOTE]

Me too.^^

My mom has always been my biggest supporter. I remember years ago when I told her I was going to get into competing and she was so excited. She'd always get a bit nervous the closer I got to a show. It's not easy for a mom to see her daughter depleted down to nothing, but at the same time she knew it was only temporary.

She's always struggled with her weight, but she just lost 40 lbs and she looks amazing! I'm so proud of her and I couldn't have done this without her. :)

[QUOTE=girlsagymaholic;986647173]I only see her twice a year so she can't actually see what I look like a 130-140lbs until I visit...maybe it'll give her a better idea of what I say by body fat vs. lean muscle mass.[/QUOTE]


I agree she will be much more receptive if she could see your progress in person. It might be best to leave the topic alone even in person unless she brings it up. If the negative comments continue, maybe ask her if you can agree to disagree on the matter and not talk about it again. When she is happier with herself, she will stop putting down your goals. Keep working hard! You are doing an amazing job of putting on muscle. Be proud of yourself!

It doesn't matter if you are right or not, nobody wants to be told they are wrong by their children ;)

Moms are famous for this. Mine has been saying that my athletic ventures are 'a phase' for the last 15 years, along with anything else that I have been doing for pretty much my whole life. She is still waiting for the day when I curl up on her floral couch with her with a box of cheez-its, a cigarette, and do a cross-stitch of a rooster.

The best one is:
mom: wow honey, you look great! i wish I could have a figure like that. how have you been able to stay like that after having the kids and all?
me: same as always, weights and stuff
mom: oh yes, about that. I've been meaning to tell you that you are getting too bulky.

lol!

I would not even discuss my powerlifting plans with my mom except that I need her to babysit so I can attend competitions once a season or so. I asked her to watch the kids for a meet next month and she actually crossed herself and took out the rosary beads at the table. I don't know WHAT she thinks I do there.

A lady I compete with, her mom is the same way. We always joke about bringing our moms to meets. They would totally pretend to faint and call the police. And we are nearing our 40's!

Just don't take it too seriously, She'll never see the light and it gets worse as she ages, so just enjoy the entertainment, try and wait till she turns the corner before laughing, and give her a hug and kiss :)

[QUOTE=rebeckyt;986682683]I agree she will be much more receptive if she could see your progress in person. It might be best to leave the topic alone even in person unless she brings it up. If the negative comments continue, maybe ask her if you can agree to disagree on the matter and not talk about it again. When she is happier with herself, she will stop putting down your goals. Keep working hard! You are doing an amazing job of putting on muscle. Be proud of yourself![/QUOTE]

Yeah I think it's agreed that the topic is off subject unless she actually gains a legit interest and wants to talk positively about it after seeing my results. Until then I love her, she loves me and we agree to disagree lol. I try to be as uplifting and encouraging as possible because I know she's lost a ton of weight in the last year and a half and I'm proud of her :D

And thank you, I'm trying hard!



[QUOTE=sonti;986690083]It doesn't matter if you are right or not, nobody wants to be told they are wrong by their children ;)[/QUOTE]

Lol and right or wrong, me and my mom both have that stubborn... "Im always right" attitude when we think we know something :P Gotta love it, because I know I get it from her.

God.....mothers and daughters..........so many movies made about that....so many songs sung about it....so many books written about it....
I always feel it's easier between fathers and sons.......might be wrong
sonti, you're terribly right..... my mother wouldn't accept she was wrong even if she crosses on red when I told her she should wait for green... lol...no wonder the 7 day diets on losing 7kg never worked....
Just smile.... :):):) Like an idiot... Just smile :):):)
I feel for you, girlsagymaholic! lol

I really can relate. I am still a beginner, and at first my mum thought it was great I was going to the gym 5 days a week... but 3 months later now I have cut a lot of fat and she keeps encouraging me to go out drinking in bars etc and also repeatedly buys me chocolate treats despite knowing the serious changes I am attempting to make to my diet.

She hasn't yet clicked on to the muscle gaining side of things, and accidentally once mentioned protein shakes but managed to pass it off as a meal supp shake. All she thinks is that I am in endurance training for a swimming marathon - which is true, but to me that has to involve getting fit and lean also.

I know the alarm bells will go off as soon as she learns I am trying to get strong and lean, she will panic because her main concern is me a) meeting a nice man and b) producing grandkids. My already stifled social life is now non-existent because of new gym dedication. Not a social person anyway, so to me not a big deal... but I guess that combined with her fear of me obtaining a body that is 'unattractive' to men will eventually result in some sort of 'intervention'. I think her concern over me getting athletic would be twice as great as her concerns of me getting too thin. And so far, pretending to be happy with chocolate treats then unloading them to other people behind her back hopefully is keeping her peaceful.

also, op - you don't look small chested in your avi, infact you look great

Not to mention, anyone who thinks that picture of Nicole Wilkins presents an unattractive body type - they are in denial. And not an easy thing to explain to your parent they are wrong and in denial, especially when it usually stems from their own insecurities and possible regret that maybe they could have lived their life better and looked as great at 22 as you do now!

I have found it has been a process.....my mom has come around over the years once she understood it was a life style. She actually comes to my competitions and gets all in a huff if she thinks the judges should have been kinder LOL, she still has issues with my motorcycle, Moms gonna Mom...even at my age.

[QUOTE=mydawgs;987736463]Moms gonna Mom...even at my age.[/QUOTE]
^^^THIS, both my parents are terrible about this type of stuff, always have been, always will be I'm sure, but you gotta just keep doing whatever you wanna do. My parents hate that I lift and yes the "negative" comments fly when I wear tank tops or fitted shirts - shoulders too big, arms too big, looks like I lift weights :rolleyes:, lol ok that's kind what I'm going for anyways, and I'm not huge by any means. Always lol when I see people here and their moms saying "OMG lifting is gonna make you look so manly!" and they're like 120lbs. Doesn't matter if you get big/strong to them, females lifting weights at all, to them = mental disorder.

It's hard to have normal conversation with parents about what you're doing in life. I say I go running in the park, they say don't do that, you'll get murdered. I say I went out somewhere at midnight, they say you shouldn't be out of the house late (MY house, where I live, the one I paid for lol) and shouldn't be driving/going places after dark, blah blah I'll get murdered again. They visit and see I have protein powder and creatine and give me the steroid speech and say creatine will kill me. They ask me if I pay my bills, have food in the cupboards, sleep, go to the dentist, etc. And any time they've been in my basement (really nice home gym down there with power rack) they look at all the plates and dbs and say "You really LIFT all of that?" and "Make sure you don't bench press, you'll get stuck and no one will know you're trapped" and "You're lifting weights that are way too heavy."

I used to get really offended and think maybe they thought I was a complete moron and irresponsible, but I really think they just have a crazy overboard approach at being concerned and will never do it to a healthy degree.

Keep lifting OP, you'll be fine.

[QUOTE=Botika;986446143]Urgh my Mother said to me "I hope you don't get abs, they don't look good in a bikini". My Mother in Law told me that women aren't meant to have muscles, they should be soft". I try not to take on board comments like this because it only ends up upsetting me. I just don't talk about it with them anymore. My Mother also told my husband that his legs were too skinny the other day while upset him little bit. He's on a cut and I couldn't be bothered explaining the whole bulk/cut thing. I just ignore most people these days.[/QUOTE]

UGH my mum said EXACTLY the same thing. 'Women are supposed to be soft." I made the mistake of telling my mum I was squatting 170lbs and she properly got angry and was like "why on earth would you want to do that, that's far too heavy". I told her it's only too heavy if you can't lift it, and I can. She was going on about the usual getting bulky, my thighs will get massive blah blah blah. I'm 5'2 and 114lbs. -_- At the same time she also said I didn't need to lose anymore weight. You're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't.

I also found it funny that when I told her I was eating more often now she said "well maybe if you didn't go to the gym so often you wouldn't need to eat as much." Again, if I was to be sitting there just picking at a rice cake that would send her into a tailspin as well. Parents will just worry no matter what. We now agree to disagree. :)

Moms gonna mom... I think that about sums it all up here lol!
But I do like reading all your guys' experiences, def encouraging to hear about the moms that have either come around, or are supportive despite not really understanding it still :D

My mother passed away when I was 12. I remember shortly before, being an obnoxious 'tween, joking with my sister how mom had a "butt stomach" (it was a little protruding, but by today's standards she was far from fat). Feel bad I never had a relationship with my mother as a grown, mentally stable adult. Cherish what you have ladies, annoying as they may be :)