Daughter possible eating disorder

[cbeck56]

This is a tough subject but I need advice. My 15 year old step-daughter (really my daughter since I have raised her from age 6) seems to be showing signs of an eating disorder. I am afraid that I may be the reason. She hates that I wear a smaller pant size than her which is crazy because I am a smaller person only 5 5 and smaller frame! I have tried to explain this to her but she will not listen to me. She is a beautiful girl and is 5' 7' and is at about 130 which I feel is a good weight for her but she thinks she is fat. I see her eating less and less and I have heard she is skipping lunch. SHe seems irritable and is getting a lot of headaches all of the sudden and dropped a pantsize for no apparent reason. She admits to skipping breakfast and sometimes lunch but makes excuses like NO TIME! If I try to force food on her she flips out and screams at me. I am the step-mom so it is sticky her real mom is 600 miles away and dad is gone ALOT> So I am on my own. Should I seek counseling at this point or should I try ot reach her some other way? I really need some good advice. So anyone with experience with eating disorders please help me help my baby girl!!!!

[twinnett]

I am currently recovering from an eating disorder. It's hard to tell, but her behavior definitely sounds like she could be heading toward an eating disorder. I started out skipping meals, getting very angry and irritable when people would try to make me eat. Could you talk to any of her friends? I wouldn't advise too much confrontation right now, b/c then she might just try to hide her behaviors from you. When she does eat, do you notice her pushing food around to make it look like she's eating or getting very picky about what she eats all of a sudden?

[cbeck56]

Her friends were the ones who tipped me off that she is skipping lunch! She is obsessed with the number on the scale too. I am very worried. I am afraid to push her too hard for fear of her doing it more out of anger. She is 15 which is hard enough in of itself. Thank you for the response. I am feeling very helpless right now. Watching someone you love do something harmful to themself is very hard to deal with.

[Amris]

Talk to dad. Ask him to make her go to counseling. He can, you cannot, in the US at least (I see you're in Ohio).

:(

It definitely sounds like an eating disorder, very little doubt.

[cbeck56]

Dad is in the military and I do have power of attorney for these things. He cannot do it, he is away so much it would be near impossible, but I have always handled her medical issues anyway. So should I just make an appointment and take her without telling her where we are going or should I tell her first?

[Rune44]

Your daughter sounds like she has a problem a friend of mine does. At 130 she can lose SOME weight and still be in a safe range but try to teach her to eat food and do cardio instead of just not eating.

Also, unconsent counseling will most likely not work. The instant she finds out she'll probably throw a huge fit and give any counselor you take her to bloody hell.

My advice is try to show her that she's not fat etc 1st. Also, as I said she CAN lose maybe 5-10 pounds and still be in a safe range for her age/height but not eating is NEVER a good thing.

Another good idea would be to try to change your scale settings so it appears lighter than she actually is. My scale has a dial on it that can adjust how much I weigh either higher or lower which is y I don't use my scale often.

[fee]

Hey, I just wanted to say I started an eating disorder around that age, and when my parents would tell me to be careful or that I looked good or whatever(I was 5'5", 100lbs or so) it would just piss me off, nothing that anyone else said made any difference to me I just assumed they didn't know anything or they where jealous because I was losing weight or something... the only thing that stopped me was getting into weightlifting and realizing that starving myself I would allways look fat(skinny fat) no matter how little I actualy weighed and realizing how unhealthy it actualy is(even though people would talk to me about it being unhealthy, somehow I just never really believed them).... Also, yes it does sound like she is developing a ED, she sounds just like me at first before I got real bad...

[kelliewrx]

I know it's a touchy subject, and it would be difficult to approach without offending her, but perhaps you could offer to get her a gym membership and invite her to work out with you. From what you've said, it sounds like she looks up to you, so you could always offer to teach her about nutrition and eating right. If she is unhappy with her weight, and the way she looks, hopefully you can help start her off on the right foot before she hurts herself.

[imperfectly_lou]

The fact that she CAN afford to lose some weight, as pointed out by Rune44 is irrelevant. Eating disorders are NOT merely about weight - they are generally a manifestation of other issues and problems and those are what need dealing with as opposed to the weight issue. A happy, healthy teenager should love themselves regardless of their weight, and taking her to the gym, encouraging healthy weight loss etc is NOT going to solve the issue.

I would recommend you take her to the doctor and seek therapy asap. She may hate you for it and resist it but the longer these things go untreated, the more difficult it is to recover (I've been in recovery for nearly 5 years now)

[twinnett]

The fact that she CAN afford to lose some weight, as pointed out by Rune44 is irrelevant. Eating disorders are NOT merely about weight - they are generally a manifestation of other issues and problems and those are what need dealing with as opposed to the weight issue. A happy, healthy teenager should love themselves regardless of their weight, and taking her to the gym, encouraging healthy weight loss etc is NOT going to solve the issue.

I would recommend you take her to the doctor and seek therapy asap. She may hate you for it and resist it but the longer these things go untreated, the more difficult it is to recover (I've been in recovery for nearly 5 years now)

Great post Lou. Taking her to the gym and telling her about good nutrition may only serve to make it seem to her like you are telling her that she's "fat" and may just work the opposite way of what you would like.

[Rune44]

The fact that she CAN afford to lose some weight, as pointed out by Rune44 is irrelevant. Eating disorders are NOT merely about weight - they are generally a manifestation of other issues and problems and those are what need dealing with as opposed to the weight issue. A happy, healthy teenager should love themselves regardless of their weight, and taking her to the gym, encouraging healthy weight loss etc is NOT going to solve the issue.

I would recommend you take her to the doctor and seek therapy asap. She may hate you for it and resist it but the longer these things go untreated, the more difficult it is to recover (I've been in recovery for nearly 5 years now)
True, a happy healthy teen should be ok with his/her body always but this is never the case anymore. For good or for bad, teens are not happy unless they are beautiful and slender just like models.

One thing that makes it worst is that it IS attainable for some teens to look that way. They are genetically beautiful and use makeup etc to add to it and then they make themselves beautiful by doing it. Therefore, because it is obviously attainable because others have attained it, all teens believe they should be able to attain this kind of beauty and no matter wat older people say about being happy with the way they are this is the hard truth

[Rune44]

As for therapy, if you can get her to listen I'm all for it but I doubt you'll be able to as I said above she'll probably ignore what the therapist says and scream and rant at you for it instead she needs help but it's going to be hard to give it to her.

[Amris]

Take her to a therapist, and go with her. Follow the therapist's instructions. You may be asked to hospitalize her. If you are, PLEASE do NOT ignore that. It is not at all uncommon for depression and even suicidal tendencies to go hand-in-hand with eating disorders.

Call ahead of time, talk to the therapist. Ask what you should do. I have sent a lot of kids to ED therapists, and gone straight to their parents and gotten them to sign mandatory therapy consents for ED. Some will refuse to accept the help, but there is a lot of hope, because a lot will also end up coming around.

Try to find one that specializes in ED if you possibly can.

[imperfectly_lou]

If you go to www.sfwed.org, there is a bulletin board for family and friends of people with EDs as well as a Treatment Finder by state.

[cbeck56]

I would like to first thank you all for your input and support. I am going to look into therapy for her but I am going to try to talk to her about it too. SHe is a smart girl and I beleive she knows she is hurting herself. THe funny thing is that she is a BEAUTIFUL girl. Quite stunning actually, and I cannot grasp the concept of her beleiving she is fat! And she does have parents who are both very into fitness and I wonder if we have played a part in this. I thought we were teaching our kids a healthy lifestyle, we include them in our fitness routine quite often and we feed them what we eat for the most part. The only thing I can think of is the fact that her mother (natural) is in and out of her life. That is a huge issue for her so maybe this is a cry for help. I believe therapy is my only option at this juncture. Maybe we can scratch the surface and get to the bottom of her problems.

AGAIN, Thank you all on this board for your heartfelt support. I am very thankful I found this website for many reasons, it has hepled me with my own goals and I have learned a great deal about fitness and the good that is in so many folks.

[Shoshona]

I've not met many teens who are happy with their body images. Some get through the awkward stage without resorting to eating disorders and some go through a period of time where they will resort to this behaviour and then it passes and then, of course, there are those who have other underlying issues that manifest in behavioural pathologies.

That said, I think your approach in talking to her first as a burgeoning young adult is a great first step. Her response/reaction would be the indicator of what you may want to do next.

[pgb2006]

I was gazing at the magazines in the check out line at Wal Mart just yesterday and thought what sad examples of health and fitness were right there in front of My daughter. Many of these girls are borderline anorectic and I can see the actual signs of malnutrition. Who wants the osteoprosis,premature aging,muscle wasting and host of health problems that are serious and life threatening? I wanted to turn all the covers around but there was more on the back...what is a Mom to do?

[Unplastic]

Okay, well I've been a "lurker" for awhile, but I had to join the board JUST so I could give my input...I'm a recovered bulimic. My eating disorder started because I felt the same way as your daughter, just thought I was a little too heavy and not as pretty as the thinner girls. I was always very pretty, and I knew it, but didn't really feel like it if that makes sense.

Anyway, the disorder started as a combination of that AND some stress that I was feeling. I'm an aspiring writer and the "fear of failure" complex is part of what did me in. IMO, your daughter needs LESS focus from everyone on what she's eating (she needs to figure that out on her own, as long as she's maintaining a reasonably healthy weight), and MORE on ways to help her feel good about herself, and ways to relax. When I was trying to get better, most of the things I was reading just made me feel worse about myself...all of the popular mags were about makeup and dieting, and the most of the books on eating disorders just made me feel worse too, like everything was hopeless. So of course the book I'm working on right now is completely the opposite of that. Sorry for being long-winded, but have a good talk with your daughter, help her to recognize the beautiful parts of herself and all of her good qualities. Let her know that virtually every other girl her age (and every other age) is feeling the same way too.

In my recovery from bulimia I lost a lot of weight (pretty common), and found myself just WISHING I weighed as much as I did before everything. I'm still trying to gain some weight because 1) I want to be healthier and 2) I'm jealous of my LITTLE sister's gorgeous curves (and my fiance wants them back too)!!!

And cbeck or anyone else, feel free to PM me if you have any questions or just need someone to talk to. I'm pretty knowledgeable about eating disorders in general...hope I can help.

[cbeck56]

thank you so much for hte story and feeling compelled to add to this discussion. I am going to talk with her tonght and show her some websites I found about the internal damage she can do to her body. Not to scare her but to educate her. She already has a really bad hereidtary disease that can be life threatening so she needs to try to he as healthy as she can (Hereditary angioedema) Haea.org if anyone is curious. I think we will venture into counseling in the future if need be though because her life is too precious to me to just look away. The things she reads may contribute as well as the television. I am going to try to let her look at some of this baords healthy bodyspaces and show her what TRUE healthy female bodies should look like.

[Unplastic]

It'd be a good idea to try to get some references to GOOD therapists...I went to one a couple of times who didn't have a clue how to help me (probably because she was used to much younger clients also).

And weight training COMPLETELY changed my views on "beauty"--now I see strong muscles as beautiful because of the strength they signify. I think women who weightlift are expressing their refusal to adhere to the idea that we are supposed to be the "weaker sex." I think that's beautiful.

[Motivatedmom]

The fact that she CAN afford to lose some weight, as pointed out by Rune44 is irrelevant. Eating disorders are NOT merely about weight - they are generally a manifestation of other issues and problems and those are what need dealing with as opposed to the weight issue. A happy, healthy teenager should love themselves regardless of their weight, and taking her to the gym, encouraging healthy weight loss etc is NOT going to solve the issue.

I would recommend you take her to the doctor and seek therapy asap. She may hate you for it and resist it but the longer these things go untreated, the more difficult it is to recover (I've been in recovery for nearly 5 years now)

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to imperfectly_lou again.

Dang it, I tried!!! Great advice girl!!!!

[cbeck56]

The fact is that we all dislike parts of our bodies and I still struggle with body issues. I just love to eat so could never imagine starving myself.

That said she is open to discussion which I was very glad to find out. We had a long talk about the damage she is posssibly doing to her body. I cannot watch her every second, but when she is home I prepare her meals I KNOW she likes and without making it obvious I make sure she is eating. I watch for her running to the bathroom to purge and have not noticed that so far (thank GOD) and I am trying to educate her. As I said she is a very bright young lady, and we have a very good relationship. She even said that if she or I feel that she is not improving or she gets out of control she is open to seeking outside help!! WOW WAS I SHOCKED!!! I am so proud of her for realizing and admitting to me that there is a problem and that she wants to change. I showed her your website UNPLASTIC and she thinks you are so pretty, and I think you are doing a great thing as you may have helped my daughter. So thank you! Thank you all!!

I asked for help because I was not sure how to approach her without resistance, but I found that my 15 year old is wise beyond her years, and is willing to work on this!! I am a proud mommy!!

[twinnett]

I am SO happy to hear this! She sounds like one bright young woman!

[sasha8988]

Hi,
I am a graduate student studying counseling pscyhology. I have also struggled with some of my own issues surrounding binge eating and purging.
I can tell you this: you are definitely on the right track. Being open, honest, and communicating with your daughter is a huge step in the right direction. Its great that she was willing to talk openly with you. I suggest that you continue to be a positive role model in YOUR actions, and also the way you talk about fat in front of a child (even a 15 years old, and since you raised her since she was young, that makes a difference too) can have a big impact. Obviously you are eating correctly and working out, but unfortunately that is only one example amongst hundreds of other unhealthy messages she recieves all around her everywhere else. Keep up the communication, education, and just be a role model for her. If you wanna ask me anything privately my e-mail is Sasha_Ayad@msn.com, in case I don't come back to this forum... I hope this was helpful! :)

[tomdana]

You are in a difficult situation. You have handled it just as you should. She is certainly having early eating disorder symptoms and without addressing them fully, will progress. A few things to offer. Get rid of the scales. Discuss how being healthy is about feeling healthy. Use your own knowledge of metabolism and nutrition to educate her. All of this said though the primary problem is distorted self image.

If you have a relationship with a pediatrician, start there. We have kids with these issues come up a fair amount and thus have a ton of resources in our local and in some cases regional area that can help. The visit to the pediatrician can be framed as a Well Child Check and not as a you have a problem we need to address issue. I would discuss your concerns with the Dr or the nurse ahead of time so they may be sensitive and explore it. An assessment of self image and food related behavior risks is part of a good well child check and so it can be the Dr who discovers this in your childs eyes so it is not just you getting another person on your team against her. I would not hold off on counselling as there is often a honeymoon that takes the pressure off kids and then the eating disorder recurs.

Good luck and please talk to your pediatrician. He can refer you to a counsellor with expertise. A counsellor without experience can do harm as well as good.

Take care and good luck.

[nofxneeded]

it sounds like everyone has helped you figure out what to do but i just thought i'd mention that when i was 'educated' to the effects of ED's it didn't really have an impact on me, as i was too head strong and it was my way of feeling more confident. you could try introducing your daughter to weight training... it was the one thing that helped me. you feel like you're doing exercise without having to do cardio for hours and you can focus, instead of not eating, eating the right foods for muscle growth. hope that helps, good luck.