Wife's B-day, but I threw a wrench in it ):

[skinnyme]

Today is my wife's birthday, but we are celebrating it tomorrow (Friday) because I have that night off from work. This is all fine and good, but I really f***ed up. We got into an argument over money the other night. She was ranting me for some stuff, I was extremely tired, it was late at night, and I got pissed off, which is extremely rare for me. Anywhoo, I ended up making a very retarded proposition to her. I said that I would do better if she would quite making excuses that she couldn't stick to her weight loss program because of various reasons. I further buried my foot in a$$ by saying that I stayed fit while going to school, working full time, and getting less than 4 hours of sleep a day, and that she should at least be able to do SOMETHING taking care of a household and two kids.
Well of course that was an extremely stupid thing to say. Talk about her self esteem being shot down, it crashed and burned. In a nutshell, I f***ed up.
So I was wondering on suggestions on how to patch things up, from a woman's perspective. She did say she forgave me, and we had our little 'make up session' (I'm sure you can gather what I mean from that), but she still has issues about it, as do I. I was wondering if anyone had any suggestions as to what I could do to help restore things, keeping her birthday in mind. Any help is greatly appreciated.

Thanks,

Big F-up

[arose70]

:( I'm sorry that happened :(

This may sound silly but my husband and I do this all the time and we have had no unresolved issues....

Sit down with each other with no kids and just let her tell you how she feels, let her use bad words and she can really let you have it with how much you hurt her. If this goes on and on thats fine...just don't let it get into other issues that you may have fought over. Listen, don't talk at all until she's done. Then apologize again, say it'll never happen again and that you love her more than anything in the world. Insert a few big hugs, a few tears, and she will feel such release from actually saying whats on her mind and you just listening. Tell her you appreciate her and that her job as wife and mother and caretaker is so important and you couldn't imagine having to do all the things she does. Really try to look at it from her prespective.

This might not be the best option for your situation...just wanted to share what works for me :) Good luck :)

Oh, and really do something nice for her today even though you aren't celebrating until tomorrow-flowers to the house, get a babysitter on short notice and send her to the spa, something to let her know you are thinking of her and love her :D.

[skinnyme]

Thanks for the advice. She was showing me an outfit she would really like to have the other day, so I fished around for what size she would need without letting on I was planning to buy it for her. I just got home from the hospital (which, in relation to my other thread last week, I got the job with Saint Thomas Hospital), and I went straight to the store and got it for her as a surprise. It will be waiting for her when she gets back home. Maybe this will help.

[arose70]

That is a wonderful idea!!!! I bet she will be so happy!!! You are a good husband :D.

Have a great time tonight, and don't just let it go even if she seems to be feeling better. Bring it up (as hard as that is) and ask her how she feels and if she wants to talk about it. You seem very considerate :).

[darkangel]

One of the helpful things I've learned in premarital counseling with my fiance is when you sit down to work thru issues, use "I" statements instead of "you" statements:

When you do or say X, I really feel hurt because...

instead of

You always do or say X!

Seems like a simple little thing, but accusatory "you" statements always put a person on the defensive, even if they're true... and then nothing gets resolved.

For whatever it's worth...

[skinnyme]

Thank you for your kind words arose70.

Good point darkangel. I try to use 'therapeutic communication' techniques I learned in nursing school, and what you said about using 'I' instead of 'you' is very true. I will say that this has proven to be very effective at resolving issues. If only I wouldn't eat foot so much... Sometimes it seems the only time I open my mouth is to reposition my feet. :)

[darkangel]

Well, your ability to admit you screwed up - as we all do at some time or another - speaks well for you. Good luck smoothing things over!

[Amris]

Maybe you need to consider making a promise to yourself, too.

I made a promise to myself when I was 19, and I've kept it ever since:

I will NEVER say something when I'm angry that I wouldn't say when I wasn't angry.



Because yes, you have to patch it up with your wife, but it's eating at you, too. You need to forgive yourself, because your constant hammering and beating yoruself for it will effect your "defensiveness level" when facing her. But part of forgiving yourself is making amends... to yourself, too. I did that for myself by making, and keeping a promise.


When you make amends to her, I would recommend that you separate it from her birthday!!

Would you want to remember your birthday as that year, honey and I had a fight over my weight??