O/T Jkeithc82 - About me

[jkeithc82]

This thread is inspired by Lonny and Mike (uhockey) and partly by Big Cat. Reasons being because I really enjoyed reading the threads posted by Lonny and Mike over the past week few about their life story so to speak, and it's partly inpired by Big Cat because I find some of his generalizations about members in this forum to be misguided and for lack of a better word, WRONG. This will be a several post installment, like Lonny's.

I was born in Birmingham, Alabama in 1982 to two loving and caring parents. I was their first child and the apple of their eye. I grew up in a modest home, on the somewhat lower middle class area of the spectrum. We weren't poor, but very far from luxury and excess. At around 10 years of age, while everyone was playing outside and having fun, I stayed indoors, a regular Nintendo junkie. The outcome of this as well as having it in the genes, was weight gain. I became the fat kid, in class, in the neighborhood, everywhere. My ideas of nutrition were bags of Doritos, McDonalds french fries and pizza. The ridicule came fast and it made me extremely sensitive about my body and image, even so to this day.

At that time though it didn't matter. I had great parents who loved me and in a sense, spoiled me. My dad was my best buddy. I loved him more then anything in this world. I could never understand when my friends would complain and moan that "they hate their parents" all because they couldn't run over them. I loved my parents and my dad in particular. He worked the night shift as a computer programmer and there were some nights that I stayed up and went to work with him. We would talk, I would draw (we were both into sketching and art) and he just loved spending time with his son.

My dad was also a photographer on the side. He did weddings and high school homecomings and such, just to make money on the side. The advantage to this is that I have roughly, 10,000 pictures of my brother and I taken. He could not photograph his family enough and he bragged about his sons to anyone that would listen. He would also take odd jobs like being Santa Claus during the Christmas season, even coming to my 1st grade class and taking pictures as Santa (I didn't know at the time that I was sitting on my dad's knee, I thought it was really Santa). There was one year where he took a side job driving a limousine. How cool did I feel when he would sometimes show up at 3:00 to pick me up in the limo, and take me to school on occasion in it.

My dad had a thyroid condition. He was already a big guy (6'6") but relatively skinny. The thyroid problem caused him to gain weight that he normally wouldn't have had. He got up to 285 lbs if I recall which for him (normally being around a skinny 200) was quite extreme. After working for his company as a computer programmer for 18 years working mainly the graveyard shift and going nowhere, he was finally moving up in the company and started climbing the ladder so to speak. He was working hard as he had all his life, and now it seemed like it was paying off.

The morning of March 26, 1994 was a typical Saturday. I just turned 12 on March 5th, and was preparing myself for the next year going into middle school. My dad was up that morning and everything seemed ok, as he was watching t.v. and just relaxing on the weekend. At around noon my father started complaining of chest pains. They grew pretty severe and he and my mother believed it was heartburn. My mother asked if I would run down to the convenient store a block or so away to get him some Mylanta liquid. My friend and I headed down there quickly and brought it back to my mother. When I found them in their room my mother was ontop of my father screaming "Keith!!! Keith!!!! get up come on, get up!!!!" she looked over and told me to get help, as she had already called 911.

I ran across the street to find my neighbor working in the yard. I screamed "My dad needs help!!" and they dropped what they were doing and ran to my house. Within a few minutes I could hear the sirens as the ambulance headed up the street and pulled into our driveway. My mom came to me and said to stay with my neighbors across the street, that my dad was going to the hospital. I went across the street and the last image I saw was of my father, lying on a stretcher being carried down our stairs. My brother and I stayed at the neighbors for a few hours, playing with their children, believing this was routine and that my father would get whatever was wrong with him "fixed."

A few hours passed and there was a phonecall to my neighbors, instructing us to come back home. I guess the neighbors both went to the hospital with my parents, because as I ran through my yard to get to my front door, they were coming out of my house. They were holding each other, crying, and I asked where my father was. They wouldn't answer me and kept walking. I ran into my house and my mother was in my room, crying. I said, "Where's dad?!!" and the next words to leave her lips would be ones that would haunt me for the rest of my life. "Your father died Josh" she said trying her hardest to hold back her own tears, "he had a heartattack, and died."

Nothing in this world has devestated me more then this, and it never goes away. I mean when I say that, it never, goes, away. I think about my father everyday of my life. I have always heard that when a person is having a heartattack you are to give them aspirin. WHY DIDN'T I BUY F*CKING ASPIRIN THAT DAY INSTEAD OF MYLANTA!!! I ask myself that everyday, why didn't I do this, I could have saved him, I could have done something more. And like I said, you never get over it, never. I think about my father every day of my life, and it's been 11 years now. It doesn't go away, it never f*cking goes away. I didn't say goodbye, I didn't tell him I loved him one last time, I didn't get to hug him or beg him not to die I didn't get to do any of that.

[Jsorb8997]

Wow man. I'm sorry.

[Bane]

Really good to know more about you man.
Sorry about your dad. May God be kind with his soul.

As a sidenote, the best thing to carry with you to give to a man who suffers from a heart attack is some sublingual nitroglycerine.

[uhockey]

Really good to know more about you man.
Sorry about your dad. May God be kind with his soul.

As a sidenote, the best thing to carry with you to give to a man who suffers from a heart attack is some sublingual nitroglycerine.

Agreed. ASA would have likely had minimal effect in this situation and it certainly isn't your fault Josh.

also, and not to sound like a dick, but mine is actually about supplements and thus it's location in the supplement/product review section.

Good read though, albeit depressing. I'll follow.

[jkeithc82]

Agreed. ASA would have likely had minimal effect in this situation and it certainly isn't your fault Josh.

also, and not to sound like a dick, but mine is actually about supplements and thus it's location in the supplement/product review section.

Good read though, albeit depressing. I'll follow.

Yeah I actually don't know why I kept going, I will get to the supplements part and my general interest with fitness/bodybuilding but I just started writing and couldn't stop. I know this is depressing and I didn't mean for it to be, if everyone would like, I'll delete this thread, because it went off of where I guess it needed to be.

[DejaBlue55]

Wow, hardcore man. I'm sorry to hear that.

[vegHead]

wow thats one of the saddest things ive read in a while. its by no means your fault man and im sure many people have told you that.

[40-Yard Dash_2]

first off, I'm very sorry. There is nothing I can say to change the way you feel about the situation, but all I can say is that you were only 12 years old. It's not your fault. You did not give your father the heart attack. Many of us don't get the opportunity to say goodbye to our loved ones when they pass away. That is why you hear the old cliche so darn often, live everyday like it's your last. Live life to the fullest. Tell the people you love or the ones who are important to you that you love them every single day, because you truly do not know if it will be the last time you get to do so. I know it won't make you feel any better, but I don't even know my father. Since age 5, I've seen him only 3 times in my life. My parents divorced when I was 1 year old, and at age 5, we moved about 1,100 miles away from him and he never bothered to write or call. Obviously, all these years past. Right now he lives in Texas, but we don't have any type of relationship whatsoever. I don't know the man at all. I don't want to sound hateful, because I'm not; however, if he died tomorrow, sadly, it would not affect me at all. He is like a stranger to me. Again, sorry about the way you feel.

[beer20]

youre story ,so far , has made me sad...

[jkeithc82]

Thank you 40 and to everyone else who replied. I again apologize for writing this actually, because I am not here to bring everyone down. Like I said, I wanted to post something similar to Lonny and Mike's post about where I came from and when I started talking about my father I just went off. Again, it's depressing and nothing that should burden the members of this forum.

[Dosquito]

:(, rest in piece

[Nutella!]

seriously brought tears to my eye

sorry

[Lonny]

Thank you 40 and to everyone else who replied. I again apologize for writing this actually, because I am not here to bring everyone down. Like I said, I wanted to post something similar to Lonny and Mike's post about where I came from and when I started talking about my father I just went off. Again, it's depressing and nothing that should burden the members of this forum.

Lord knows i've written enough posts that start somewhere and end somewhere else. Good story, and theres no reason to apologize. Especially if its theapeutic, and if you started writing and thats what came out then im guessing it helped. You'll eventually get to the bodybuilding and supp part, just take your time with it.

[jkeithc82]

Again, I'll apologize for going off where I didn't need to go I guess.

Anyway, here's the next installment, not depressing I promise. :D

Now, my father had one of those start weight sets. It had a bench, a leg extension and a little pulley in the back. It also came with those weight plates with the sand in them (Soloflex or whatever it was called). When I was about 10-11, I did a couple of sets here and there, not really knowing what I was doing but liking lifting the weight. I didn't do it regularly or anything, so I couldn't consider that being the time I really started.

After my father died, my mom dating a guy a year or so later who was an extreme *******. One thing he did have though was a better weight set and a copy of Arnold Schwarzenegger's Encyclopedia of Modern Bodybuilding. This was the old version with the yellow cover. I read that book front and back probably 30 times. I loved it, and thought it was so cool. I started lifting a little more at his house and really got into bodybuilding. I was still heavy but this gave me something I could do and feel good about.

That relationship ended, but a new boyfriend (whom my mother would eventually marry) came along and we moved to New Orleans. I started working for my step dad doing manual work in his company's shop (offshore diving company). What this did allow me to do was pay for a summer membership to a gym. This is where I discovered true weightlifting, as a simple bench and a few moldy weights can only accomplish so much. I could finally have access to all the equipment I saw in Arnold's book. Everything from a leg press, to a calf raise, to a smith machine, to a dumbbell rack, a treadmill, a lat pulldown, everything. My body really started transforming during that summer (I was 14-15 years old at this time). I was still on the heavy side, but I got bigger and instead of people thinking I was just fat and overweight, they actually thought I had been working out. At that time I still didn't know what supplementation and proper diet was (choosing to read but not really follow the diet sections of the Arnold book).

I am moving closer to my discovery of supplements, so stay tuned :D

[jkeithc82]

Lord knows i've written enough posts that start somewhere and end somewhere else. Good story, and theres no reason to apologize. Especially if its theapeutic, and if you started writing and thats what came out then im guessing it helped. You'll eventually get to the bodybuilding and supp part, just take your time with it.

Thanks Lonny. It was actually therapeutic and it helped a lot. Like I said, I just started writing and that followed out. I am usually a very private person, so this is a little out of character for me, but there are people on this site that I respect and interact with and I thought sharing a little about me would give them more insight into who I was (and not just the father of SEARCH-Tech lol).

[uhockey]

Thanks Lonny. It was actually therapeutic and it helped a lot. Like I said, I just started writing and that followed out. I am usually a very private person, so this is a little out of character for me, but there are people on this site that I respect and interact with and I thought sharing a little about me would give them more insight into who I was (and not just the father of SEARCH-Tech lol).

Talking is cathartic, I used to be very closed, now I'm an open book. I like me better now.

[MCWTRAINER]

Wow, sorry to hear that man...

[freak aleak]

wow that brought a tear to my eye sorry to hear that .

[Krzna]

sorry to hear josh, but inspiring though. makes all of us count our blessings.
waitin to hear the rest of ur story ... maybe i should write mine too :D

[dito]

We're here for you Joshy!

[cookdog]

your story put a lump in my throat, very sad. i have a 5 year old boy and a history of heart disease in my family, and i want to thank bodybuilding for correcting my diet and setting me on the path to a long, healthy life.

[DejaBlue55]

Bump for a good bro.

Jkeith for mod.

[-LMAO-]

Yo Keith, hold the head up young blood. Remember the man when you're unracking 315 pounds on military press. Give'em hell. Hang tough.

[L.O.S.T.]

Damn bro, I am moved. I am so sorry about your father. Like everyone said it was not your fault and you should be proud because most people do not have a good relationship with their father, and you did. It seems to me he made you a better person and he lives on through you everday. Be good bro and I will keep you and your family in my prayers.



Let his Soul RIP

[jmil]

Wow, as everyone has already said...that is very sad, and I am so sorry that you had to endure something like that, and especially at such a young age. You can't blame yourself though, there was nothing you could've done...as you said, you were only 12 years old. Everyday of my life I think of things that I should have done differently, and I wish that I would have...but I didn't, and it wasn't my fault or anyone elses. Unfortunately, tragedies happen to very good people in this world every single day, and a lot of times there is nothing that anyone can do about it. Your dad sounded like a fantastic person, and that he loved you very much...he will still be with you in your heart and in your head...and he will be watching over you.

JKEITH FOR MOD! (I actually hold signs up on the street for that, like when we campaign for politicians :) )

[L.O.S.T.]

Wow, as everyone has already said...that is very sad, and I am so sorry that you had to endure something like that, and especially at such a young age. You can't blame yourself though, there was nothing you could've done...as you said, you were only 12 years old. Everyday of my life I think of things that I should have done differently, and I wish that I would have...but I didn't, and it wasn't my fault or anyone elses. Unfortunately, tragedies happen to very good people in this world every single day, and a lot of times there is nothing that anyone can do about it. Your dad sounded like a fantastic person, and that he loved you very much...he will still be with you in your heart and in your head...and he will be watching over you.

JKEITH FOR MOD! (I actually hold signs up on the street for that, like when we campaign for politicians :) )
Well Said.

Jmil stop avoiding me :( Is everything ok?

[Kledz]

I think its awesome you guys are willing to put an identity to the username. Its cool actually knowing something about the person other than the advice they give or the humor they post.

I'm glad you feel comfortable enough to share with us and am looking foward to the rest. :)

[sawastea]

Bump for a good bro.

Jkeith for mod.


Agreed

[MuZI]

Very sad story to say the least, but everyone shall meet again in heaven.

This got me thinking about my father also, he's a work-a-holic who works a good 60+ hours a week and diet/excercise aren't his major priorities..I would be deeply mortified if he passed away!

Thanks to Lonny, Uhockey, and Jkeith for posting these. It helps show name in the supplement section is unique and human.

[jkeithc82]

Thanks to everyone for their support, it means a lot to me. I signed on a few minutes ago and had 2 pm's waiting for me about this, so I figured someone bumped this thread (my buddy CD :D ). I've been around for a little while now (not as long as others, but a while nonetheless) and have really gotten to know some of the regulars here (I speak to a number of people on messenger, get well soon dito! we miss you :D ).

I was moved by Lonny and uhockey's personal posts and decided to make one of my own. It was NOT intended to get that personal, but after my father died for about 4-5 years I basically closed up, wouldn't think about his death, talk about it, acted as if it never happened. When I got to college it really started hitting me hard and maybe it was because I was transitioning into adulthood without my father. I think about him everyday now, and it never gets easier.

One reason it is difficult is because I am forgetting a lot of when he was still here, as if my mind is selectively blocking things. It depresses me, because my mother will remind me of things we used to do and I tell her I can't remember them. I also don't dream about him a lot, something my mother says that she does regularly. I don't know why this is happening and why I can't dream and think about him in the same way.

Thank you guys again for all your support though.

[sword_]

So you ever have flashbacks?

[fitnessman]

You were a good son to your Father and he is still with you.

[TE]

Man, after reading that first post, I had to close my office door & pull myself together. I'm sorry for your loss, but I'm happy that you had such a great father and friend. Please let his legacy of being a great father continue through you to your future children.



Great Dads are underrated.

[jkeithc82]

So you ever have flashbacks?

Not really. Sometimes certain things will remind me of times when I was younger, but I think I have suppressed a lot of memories. It's tough, because we had such a great relationship and sometimes I just can't think of anything we did together, like my brain will not let me remember. It's weird.

[TheLBM]

thanks for sharing some of your life story. it takes real guts to let people in on the intimate detetals of your life.especially with all the jackasses around here.
my heart goes out to you. (iv'e been thru something similar)
God bless

[jkeithc82]

Great Dads are underrated.

This could not be any closer to the truth man. Please try and appreciate your fathers as much as possible. And for the fathers on this board who have sons and daughters, love your children everyday like it is your last, because you never know what will happen.

[inprogress2]

as everyone has said woow sorry for your loss. n dont apologize man. i had to gather myself after that 2 but glad i got 2 know more about you.looking forward to the rest.

[nick912]

That seriously made me teary.. Man I got something in my eye..

[Scivation]

This could not be any closer to the truth man. Please try and appreciate your fathers as much as possible. And for the fathers on this board who have sons and daughters, love your children everyday like it is your last, because you never know what will happen.

I just found this out last week.

It's always good to be able to identify with people in the forum "community". This post tells a lot about who jkeith is.

[sawastea]

Josh,

Sorry for bringing this up, but what was the diagnosis on the heart attack? Was his diet too poor and/or was he too stressed by over-working? Also, do you know if it is hereditary in your family?

[turbos10]

Wow......had not seen this before, but it brought a tear.

Your story about your Dad made me think of my son. He is the biggest Daddy's boy you have ever seen. He wakes me up every single night to come sleep with him in the middle of the night and wakes up in the morning looking for me. He also loves playing trucks or throwing a ball and will do it as long as I am willing. We are already best buddy's and he is only a little over 2. From a fathers perspective, I can guarantee you the last thing your dad would want is for you to blame yourself. I can easily put myself 10 years down the road on my death bed and tell you that.

You are very lucky for having such a great dad, albeit way too short of a time. You will make your father much happier if you quit blaming yourself.

Take Care.....

[nick912]

Wow......had not seen this before, but it brought a tear.

Your story about your Dad made me think of my son. He is the biggest Daddy's boy you have ever seen. He wakes me up every single night to come sleep with him in the middle of the night and wakes up looking for me. He also loves playing trucks or throwing a ball and will do it as long as I am willing. We are already best buddy's and he is only a little over 2. From a fathers perspective, I can guarantee you the last thing your dad would want is for you to blame yourself. I can easily put myself 10 years down the road on my death bed and tell you that.

You are very lucky for having such a great dad, albeit way too short of a time. You will make your father much happier if you quit blaming yourself.

Take Care.....

Cherish these times Turbs and dont take anything for granted. I had my kids taken away from me(my ex wife left me) and they live clear across the country. I dont get to see them as much as I like. I wish I would have been there for them more instead of working all the time.. :(

[jkeithc82]

Josh,

Sorry for bringing this up, but what was the diagnosis on the heart attack? Was his diet too poor and/or was he too stressed by over-working? Also, do you know if it is hereditary in your family?

Well Derek, a number of things and please don't apologize for bringing anything up. It does help to talk this out and such. He had a thyroid condition that caused him to gain a lot of weight. My father was 6' 5" and very lanky (160 lbs or so). However during the last years of his life he started gaining weight very easily (got up to 270 lbs or so I believe). Not overly obese or anything, but definately a change from the norm for him.

His mother had a heart condition as well and she died when she was 25. I am not exact on the specific conditions (I will ask my mother for more details) but my family has somewhat of a history of heart related problems.

My father's job got very stressful during the last few years of his life. He worked at the same company for 20 years (started while he was still in high school as a computer programmer) and basically worked graveyard type shifts through most of his adulthood. During his last years he really started climbing in the company, traveling a lot and moving up the company latter. I remember one year he was in Atlanta in January at the time of the Superbowl and he called me and said "Josh guess who I just got in the elevator with, Emmitt Smith!!!" So his job was putting extra demands on him.

I will ask more details as to what happened but I believe it was mainly a sudden massive heart attack.

[turbos10]

Cherish these times Turbs and dont take anything for granted. I had my kids taken away from me(my ex wife left me) and they live clear across the country. I dont get to see them as much as I like. I wish I would have been there for them more instead of working all the time.. :(

I definately try to spend as much time as I can with him, but I always catch myself neglecting him. Between work, the business(gym), working out and my car hobby I have to stop and make myself slow down for him and my wife. I get so caught up and consumed with things sometimes I know I am not there as much as I should be. It is something I try to do better every day I wake up. I have basically quit the race car stuff for now for that very reason.

[Shike]

Great post. This reminds me of the relationship I have with my Dad as well. I think the world of him and have NEVER had ill feelings like other kids did. Luckily, he's still around to give me sound advice even when I'm getting old myself.

This post makes me appreciate him all the more. Thanks man!

[SNS8778]

Very moving thread/post. I am very sorry for your loss. It seems as though he was a great man and that while sad that he is gone, you are also very blessed to have had a great father in your life.

It takes alot of courage to put a person behind a name on here, and even more courage to talk about something like this.

I respected you alot long before this post, and very much respect your courage for this post.

As far as you referencing wondering what you could have done differently, in my belief when it is ones time, there is nothing that any of us can do. I believe that we all have a preset time that is our time to go. (I may be right, may be wrong, just the way I personally choose to look at it.)

I know its easy sometimes to say 'what if', but 'what if's' can bring you down so much.

Keep your head up and I look forward to learning more about you and your life story.

[jkeithc82]

As far as you referencing wondering what you could have done differently, in my belief when it is ones time, there is nothing that any of us can do. I believe that we all have a preset time that is our time to go. (I may be right, may be wrong, just the way I personally choose to look at it.)

I know its easy sometimes to say 'what if', but 'what if's' can bring you down so much.

Keep your head up and I look forward to learning more about you and your life story.

Thank you Steve, you have been such a great representative and standup guy since coming to the boards. I agree with you that we all have a certain destiny and preset time on this planet. It is easy to get caught up in our careers and supplement discussion, gym time and daily routine but it does go by so fast. One thing I always found slightly eerie is that my father never believed he would live past 40. Just something my mother told me he believed, like he wasn't meant to last past 40. He died when he was 38, so it was almost like he knew he reached what he believed to be his limit.

[DejaBlue55]

Thank you Steve, you have been such a great representative and standup guy since coming to the boards. I agree with you that we all have a certain destiny and preset time on this planet. It is easy to get caught up in our careers and supplement discussion, gym time and daily routine but it does go by so fast. One thing I always found slightly eerie is that my father never believed he would live past 40. Just something my mother told me he believed, like he wasn't meant to last past 40. He died when he was 38, so it was almost like he knew he reached what he believed to be his limit.
^^ Good post.

[Punch1546]

Good post man. Dads are a big part of life. He's up there watchin' though. Ya know those days when you don't think you can lift? He's tha one pushing you to go get to it. Can't wait for the rest man!

[DaRk_StAr]

Man your story is very touching. Musta been fantastic to have a great father. By reading it, your father seemed very hard working, working his ass off maybe too too much for the family. If your father wasn't there in the first place, who knows you might have been growing up unhappily. You might have had a uncaring father who just sloaths around your house. So still cherish the thought that you had a great father who brought you up and dont get depressed too much. Im sure hes just up there looking down on you smiling about what great kid you are and being proud that he raised a son to turn out to be just like him "motivated", No doubt he would also want you to be happy instead of being depressed about him, thats the last thing he wants. He wants you to live your life to the max and love your mum. It is not your fault you couldn't have done anything, you was 12!!You did what you mum told you to do, you obeyed her and that is all you could have done.

The reason why you probably couldnt remember much of the things your mum told you is maybe because everything you did with your father everyday and every minute was great. When everything is great its hard to distinguish between each other and so harder to remember. You only remember things when it was such a dramatic change at that point. Hope you understand what i am talking about.

I have not really experienced what you have experienced since my dad left me at the age of 2. He went across the other side of the World literally, my mum waited for him and waited. I wondered where he had gone, but i was too small. Kept asking my mum when he was going to come back, my mum always told me she didn't know. Felt sad of course. Other people had dads i didnt have a dad, didnt have a person to share my feelings with more. Later he came back i was 10 years old. He stayed for 2 weeks like if it was a Holiday to him, going out shoping in London. Like if the house was a hotel. Ofcourse my mum was angry with him, but forgave him. He left again but this time saying that he would return when i am 12 years old just in time for me to start secondary school. Promised that he would look after us, pick me up from school, and be a big happily family. 2 days before he was leaving, i kept on asking him "are you really going to come back? really? im going to be so happy dad", asked him again the last day he was leaving and also at the airport. He said "yes i am, i promise". I However knew right down in my heart he was not going to come back, and it was all a lie. When i was 12 there was a phone call i picked it up, it was my dad!i said are you coming!all he said was that he wanted to speak to my mum, so i got my mum with a smile on my face. About an hour later my mum was so sad just sitting there, and i asked her what happened, and she told me. I felt really down that i wasn't even given a chance to actually have a proper dad. At the same time i knew he wasn't actually coming, I hated him! i hated him! he even already had another girl!!! From that day till now, hes just nothing in my life. I dont know him and hes like a stranger, never call him, dont know what hes doing on the other side of the world, probably having a good time, probably got another son and i probably have a step brother right now that i dont know of. But some days i just still think to myself that it would be so great to have a dad and want to know how it feels. But unfortunately i will never have this feeling. But im so glad that my mum is here, without here i would not have been brought up so good. She stood strong, looking after me and my sister single handly, doing everything for us since the age of 2.

ANYWAYS......You had a caring, compassionate dad who always loved you , and i know you cherish this in your heart forever. Hes gone, but still be happy, hes there looking down on you, proud of you. R.I.P to your father. Keep strong, you still have a bright future ahead of you.

[Doughboy]

I had a hard time holding the tears back. Im really sorry this happened to you.

[jkeithc82]

Thank you DS for your kind words. I would imagine not having your father around because he left is similar in many ways to one dying. It's just that lonliness feeling that you can't share your experiences with him about graduating high school, going to college, having your first girlfriend, moving out the house, getting your first real job etc. Don't get me wrong, my mother was strong and was great. But not having the father figure (although my step dad has been there for us in many ways, just not the same though) that raised you is tough.

[DaRk_StAr]

Thank you DS for your kind words. I would imagine not having your father around because he left is similar in many ways to one dying. It's just that lonliness feeling that you can't share your experiences with him about graduating high school, going to college, having your first girlfriend, moving out the house, getting your first real job etc. Don't get me wrong, my mother was strong and was great. But not having the father figure (although my step dad has been there for us in many ways, just not the same though) that raised you is tough.

Yeh ive exactly experienced this. My mum is great but you need a father. I have no one to talk to about my girlfriend issues, no one to talk about my bodybuilding hobbie, no one to drive me on, no one to really play around with me when in the house when i was little, just stuck with two females, probs the reason why i keep staying out till 9pm with my friends till 10pm. no one to talk to about personal issues, no one to really talk to about my hypogandism that i just recently noticed i had, when i was younger going out shoping with my mum and sister i couldn't really go and spend a while in a shop that i like becuase i knew my mum and sister had nothing there to look for or they werent interested, followed them in all the shops looking for boots their clothes rarely had time for me and i completely understand. Never really had a good christmas spirit or a birthday without a dad. When i was small going to my friends house and looking how their dad played with them care for them, i was depressed and envious that i couldn't experience this.

Even when moving to secondary school, i even pretended that i had a dad. I just wanted to be like a normal kid. I had loads of friends and quite popular but the real fact is that deep down im quite lonely without a dad.

My dad doesn't even know what i look like!doesn't know how im doing in life!Don't know what career im choosing!Don't know my personality!Don't know what school i go to!What university im going to!

Theres a lot of things i want to share with my dad but dont have the chance. Sometimes i just wonder and cry.

[jkeithc82]

Even when moving to secondary school, i even pretended that i had a dad. I just wanted to be like a normal kid. I had loads of friends and quite popular but the real fact is that deep down im quite lonely without a dad.


I experienced this too. When I retured to school after he died, I felt like the only kid who didn't have a dad. The worst was the kid who thought he was being funny about a year after it happened (apparently he was not aware of it happening) and was making fun of me, saying "your daddy's a que*r" and me just losing it. He didn't know, and at that age kids are trying to be cool in front of their other friends and such, but it was like, "dude, that is not cool by any means".

One of the cool things about my dad though was he was the kind of guy that would get interested in whatever I was doing just so he'd have a reason to spend time with me. He wasn't into training or bodybuilding, but if he was here now and knew how much it means to me he would probably be into it too. At my gym there is a father and his two sons that work out there. They are always spotting each other and chatting and helping each other train and when I see that I just smile, because I think "man that's so awesome for them." Part of me feels a little envious and sort of jealous but it's only because I know that's how we would have been.

[HalleluYAH]

:(

Jkeith, my hear goes out to you.

[Forge3]

Not really. Sometimes certain things will remind me of times when I was younger, but I think I have suppressed a lot of memories. It's tough, because we had such a great relationship and sometimes I just can't think of anything we did together, like my brain will not let me remember. It's weird.

Ok Josh. After reading everything you typed here, it seems pretty obvious to me that your father really cared for you. And that you really appreciated him, and all the time he spent with you. And I can't imagine how your Father would not know that you loved him. I'm sure he must have. It isn't always in the words "I love you dad". It is in the way you show you appreciate him being around, taking an interest in what you are doing. It is the spark in your eyes that he sees and the smiles during the good times you shared together. It is all the father-son moments you did share with him. Nothing can take that away Josh.

Remember that you loved each other. You did nothing wrong. You can't control everything and in fact a lot more things are out of our control than in them. You have to know that your father would want you to be happy. He would want you to do well as any good father would. I hope at some point you can put the guilt-pains to rest.

[EMISGOD]

Yeah I actually don't know why I kept going, I will get to the supplements part and my general interest with fitness/bodybuilding but I just started writing and couldn't stop. I know this is depressing and I didn't mean for it to be, if everyone would like, I'll delete this thread, because it went off of where I guess it needed to be.

Nah, bro. You probably needed to write it.

Much love, Joshie.

[bongd]

Wow. It's tought to hold back the tears. My condolences, Josh.

My father and I have had a very "mixed" relationship over the years. A love-hate relationship if you will. And despite his neglect as I was growing up, there's one day in my mind that's always crystal clear. It was when we had both come home to find divorce papers that my mother had left for him to find. I was hit with a whirl-wind of emotions and distrust towards both my parents on and off for the next few years. I fortunately rebound and came to accept with a few years of thought and understanding.

It's a far cry from the passing of a loved one, but certainly something that haunts you, grows you and forces you to explore your ego and depths of human emotion that you never thought was possible. I enjoyed reading your post and you don't have to apologize if it was bit of a damper. It's GOOD to experience polar extremities otherwise your cognitive development and sanity will be severely blemished, imho.


Talking is cathartic, I used to be very closed, now I'm an open book. I like me better now.

A very wise lesson, uhockey. Experience is teacher and I'm pleased to have learned this through the harder events I've trudged through as well. I tried to rep you for what it's worth. This is something that I hope many more people will learn as well. Universal cognizance is the key to happiness, and the pursuit of it is half the fun. I think that this plane of thinking is our "Heaven on Earth".

Merry Christmas to everyone. My feelings towards humanity are certainly more encouraging and warm right now. :)

(must... not... get choked up :))

[eldawg]

Thanks for sharing your story....gotta go give my dad a hug!

[leonidas300]

Thanks for sharing your story....gotta go give my dad a hug!

My thoughts exactly. I am so sorry for your loss. There is nothing anyone can say that will ever decrease the amount of pain you feel, but thank you for sharing your tragic experience with us, it is brave to make yourself so vulnerable especially on this forum. If only for a moment it has made me appreciate my father a bit more, so thank you.

[jkeithc82]

03/26/94

13 years now. I love you dad.

[HalleluYAH]

03/26/94

13 years now. I love you dad.

:)

[BIG F@CE]

peace comes in the memories you cherish Jkeith.

[Kate~]

03/26/94

13 years now. I love you dad.

:o:o:o!!!!!!!!!!!

:)

[childsh]

Any father would be proud to have his son continue to carry on his name. Your father lives through you!

[drxmn]

Josh I am sorry.

PMed.

[Seth25]

I respected you alot long before this post, and very much respect your courage for this post.

As far as you referencing wondering what you could have done differently, in my belief when it is ones time, there is nothing that any of us can do. I believe that we all have a preset time that is our time to go. (I may be right, may be wrong, just the way I personally choose to look at it.)

I know its easy sometimes to say 'what if', but 'what if's' can bring you down so much.

Keep your head up and I look forward to learning more about you and your life story.
I completely agree with this post.

03/26/94

13 years now. I love you dad.

Josh,this is the first time I've seen this thread and that was a very sad post you made.Sorry for your loss.

[vegHead]

03/26/94

13 years now. I love you dad.

and he still loves you

[Outside backer]

I remember chatting with you about this right after my dad died last yr. It was nice to chat with someone who knew what i was going thru. I jst went back to PA to visit my dad's grave.

1 yr later. SO much has happend in the last yr with my son getting bigger and growing older talking everything that he is missing.

i fell your pain Josh. My dad died of liver failure. My last conversation with him was me yelling at home over the phone because he was destroying himself. and i told him if he doenst clean p he'll never see joey because he was killing himself. 2 weeks later i got the call.

surreal

[AtownKing187]

03/26/94

13 years now. I love you dad.

:( wow....:(

[DejaBlue55]

Stay strong, and chin up brother J.

[cervasa1977]

Makes you really think about whats important in life. Sorry about your loss......

[jkeithc82]

Any father would be proud to have his son continue to carry on his name. Your father lives through you!

Thank you sir.


Josh I am sorry.

PMed.

babolat your pm was nice and I thank you for your sentiment.


I completely agree with this post.

Josh,this is the first time I've seen this thread and that was a very sad post you made.Sorry for your loss.

Like uhockey mentioned earlier in the thread, writing is cathartic for me and being able to get some things out did help.


and he still loves you

:)


I remember chatting with you about this right after my dad died last yr. It was nice to chat with someone who knew what i was going thru. I jst went back to PA to visit my dad's grave.

1 yr later. SO much has happend in the last yr with my son getting bigger and growing older talking everything that he is missing.

i fell your pain Josh. My dad died of liver failure. My last conversation with him was me yelling at home over the phone because he was destroying himself. and i told him if he doenst clean p he'll never see joey because he was killing himself. 2 weeks later i got the call.

surreal

You're a strong man though and I know you can get through it. To me, you never get over it, never. You think about him everyday. The first few years it was a sort of "haunting" feeling, but now I appreciate it and try and focus on the good times we had.



Makes you really think about whats important in life. Sorry about your loss......

I can't stress it enough. To those who still have their fathers and have something of a relationship with them, CALL THEM!!! WRITE TO THEM, VISIT THEM, TALK TO THEM, APPRECIATE EVERY MOMENT YOU ARE BLESSED TO HAVE WITH THEM.

[Boxer757]

I'm sorry about your loss Jkeith, that was a very sad story although it is good that the two of you had a good relationship while he was alive. I'm not sure what yout beliefs are on the subject but I would like to think that in some way your father is still with you in spirit, taking pride in what his son does.

Once again, thanks for sharing that. It inspired me to call up my dad and tell him I loved him as I tend to get too caught up in myself and what I have going on.

[|ceman]

I'm sorry about your loss Jkeith, that was a very sad story although it is good that the two of you had a good relationship while he was alive. I'm not sure what yout beliefs are on the subject but I would like to think that in some way your father is still with you in spirit, taking pride in what his son does.

Once again, thanks for sharing that. It inspired me to call up my dad and tell him I loved him as I tend to get too caught up in myself and what I have going on.

X2. Very moving OP. Sorry for your loss JK :(

Will be calling my dad tonight. :o

[Outside backer]

You're a strong man though and I know you can get through it. To me, you never get over it, never. You think about him everyday. The first few years it was a sort of "haunting" feeling, but now I appreciate it and try and focus on the good times we had.


.

man its so true, sadly for me i still have my dad's phone number in my cell. and before I left to go home. I had to go into my Military file online and delete my father off the death benefits and contact list, if I passed away. talk about finality

[jkeithc82]

14 years now. I hope I've made him proud.

Clapton's "Tears in Heaven" played at his wake.


Would you know my name,
If I saw you in heaven?
Would you feel the same,
If I saw you in heaven?
I must be strong and carry on,
cause I know I don't belong here in heaven...

Would you hold my hand,
If I saw you in heaven?
Would you help me stand,
If I saw you in heaven?
I'll find my way through night and day
cause I know I just cant stay here in heaven...

Time can bring you down, time can bend your knees
Time can break your heart, have you begging please...begging please

Beyond the door theres peace I'm sure
And I know there'll be no more tears in heaven...

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven?
Would you feel the same
If I saw you in heaven?
I must be strong and carry on
cause I know I don't belong here in heaven...

[fitnessman]

Josh, I can only hope that my children love me as much as you loved your Father.

[jkeithc82]

Josh, I can only hope that my children love me as much as you loved your Father.

I have no doubt fit that you love your children as much as my father loved his. :)

[BuckeyeMuscle]

14 years now. I hope I've made him proud.

Clapton's "Tears in Heaven" played at his wake.

That gives me goosebumps

[~~Aries~~]

I am sorry for your loss. I can't say I can relate. I've never known my real father. I had a step-dad for 13yrs but he was very mean to me and I haven't talked to him in yrs since my mother and him divorced. I've had hard times and wished to know my father, but I guess it's not to be.

I envy your relationship with him even now.

I'm positive that he looks down on you and pride shines in his eyes. You will meet again one day.

[anth28]

Really sorry to hear about your loss. But it's a real testament to the relationship the two of you had that you honor his memory like this and It keeps him alive in spirit...

[Free Weight Friedel]

JKeith 14 years is a long time and I can tell you had a great relationship with your father. I know how you feel, because I lost my Mom 29 years ago when I was 18, to breast cancer. She was, and still is, one of the Most Outstanding persons in my life. She would do almost anything for anyone and she was well respected in the town that I grew up in because of her participation in the schools, community, etc.

To make it worse, she died on Thanksgiving 1979.

Part of the West Point Alma Mater (my Dad graduated from there), which my Dad included in my Mom's eulogy, can sum up how people feel about their loved ones:


And when our work is done,
Our course on earth is run,
May it be said, 'Well Done;
Be Thou At Peace.'

I love her and I always will, just like you love your Dad!!

[anth28]

JKeith 14 years is a long time and I can tell you had a great relationship with your father. I know how you feel, because I lost my Mom 29 years ago when I was 18, to breast cancer. She was, and still is, one of the Most Outstanding persons in my life. She would do almost anything for anyone and she was well respected in the town that I grew up in because of her participation in the schools, community, etc.

Part of the West Point Alma Mater (my Dad graduated from there), which my Dad included in my Mom's eulogy, can sum up how people feel about their loved ones:


And when our work is done,
Our course on earth is run,
May it be said, 'Well Done;
Be Thou At Peace.'

Sorry to hear about your mom man :( Breast cancer is a terrible disease. My aunt was fortunate enough to survive it even though they gave her only 6 months. Im lucky that I still have both my parents with me and I cannot imagine what it would be like to lose one of them. My heart goes out to you guys...

[Free Weight Friedel]

Sorry to hear about your mom man :( Breast cancer is a terrible disease. My aunt was fortunate enough to survive it even though they gave her only 6 months. Im lucky that I still have both my parents with me and I cannot imagine what it would be like to lose one of them. My heart goes out to you guys...

Thanks Anth!!!

[Roxie]

your dad raised a great son jkeith!

I'm positive he is very proud of you!

[SPACECLOWN]

Josh, I can only hope that my children love me as much as you loved your Father.

Very well said.

Josh I don't know you well at all but it's post like these that make me understand you more. You are a good guy. Keep positive brother. Like fitty said I hope that one day my 3 children will look upon me with the love you have shown in these posts.

[cal62887]

Wow... this thread really hits home in more than one way


Hope is all well with you on this day.


-Regards

[MBSowards]

14 years now. I hope I've made him proud.

Clapton's "Tears in Heaven" played at his wake.

Josh I don't know you well at all outside of seeing some of the work you do around here, but just seeing this topic (for the first time today) and reading through some of the posts, I'm certain that you've made him proud. Keep on doing what you do, and though it might not mean much, I'm here if you need anything.

[jack3d up]

jkeith i know im not your favorite person but im very sorry for your loss i couldnt imagine loosing a loved one. Just know that each day that goes by the closer you get to meeting your dad again

[jkeithc82]

If this thread accomplishes anything I hope its to let all the fathers (and mothers as well) know just how important that bond and time spent with a son or daughter really is.

[Blackjackcat]

If this thread accomplishes anything I hope its to let all the fathers (and mothers as well) know just how important that bond and time spent with a son or daughter really is.

No doubt. I like nothing better, than spending time with my 4 year old daughter. I lost my mother 10 years ago, time eases the pain but it never really goes away(I wish I would have had a kid sooner, so she could have been around, because she really loved kids).

[cal62887]

If this thread accomplishes anything I hope its to let all the fathers (and mothers as well) know just how important that bond and time spent with a son or daughter really is.

I think it also shows the son's and daughters how important a bond between their father or mother really is...

[jkeithc82]

15 years today.

I'm in law school now. I hope I'm making him proud.

[~~Aries~~]

15 years today.

I'm in law school now. I hope I'm making him proud.

I'm sure you are. :)

[_J-BONE_]

15 years today.

I'm in law school now. I hope I'm making him proud.

I would have to say that whatever path you took/take, you made/continue to make him proud. You were his son and nothing you ever did could keep him from being proud of you.

I just discovered this for the first time...damn sad that first post there...I think its awesome you give a short remembrance to him yearly.

[jkeithc82]

I would have to say that whatever path you took/take, you made/continue to make him proud. You were his son and nothing you ever did could keep him from being proud of you.

I just discovered this for the first time...damn sad that first post there...I think its awesome you give a short remembrance to him yearly.

If nothing else I just want it to be a reminder to make efforts to spend time with and appreciate your parents while they're still here. We all have busy lives and things can get in the way, but a phone call or email doesn't take long. The message is to just not take them for granted.

[~~Aries~~]

If nothing else I just want it to be a reminder to make efforts to spend time with and appreciate your parents while they're still here. We all have busy lives and things can get in the way, but a phone call or email doesn't take long. The message is to just not take them for granted.
It's a good message. I've never gotten the opportunity to know or even meet my real father although I've always wanted to. My relationship with my mother is more like one you would have with a distant relative.

Mu husband lost his mother when he was almost 5 yrs old. I've always been sad for his loss, especially since the woman that came along after her is horrible.

[_NimbusTim_]

Sounds like you and your dad had a great relationship, and I am positive he would be very proud of the man you have turned out to be.

[Black_Label]

That started out pretty sad =\ It is good to remind people to apprciate what they can while they can regardless of what is going on.



Weight training is a pretty good release for problems.

[RyanGrob]

15 years today.

I'm in law school now. I hope I'm making him proud.

I'm sure he is man. Threads like these make me want to visit what's left of my family more.

Sorry to hear about your story though :(

[DR_P]

15 years today.

I'm in law school now. I hope I'm making him proud.


more than that!

[bjc12]

Very moving tribute, thank you for the reality check.

My dad had a quadruple bypass the same day i went into the same hospital for my seventh drug rehab. We were in the same hospital together for a week, his doctors did not allow me to see him the entire time, said it would be too hard on him. Four years later we both celebrate our special day together when we both got a second chance at life.

i hope to that i can be a good of a son and make him as proud as you have josh.

brandon

[jkeithc82]

Very moving tribute, thank you for the reality check.

My dad had a quadruple bypass the same day i went into the same hospital for my seventh drug rehab. We were in the same hospital together for a week, his doctors did not allow me to see him the entire time, said it would be too hard on him. Four years later we both celebrate our special day together when we both got a second chance at life.

i hope to that i can be a good of a son and make him as proud as you have josh.

brandon

Thank you for sharing your story. :)

[Outside backer]

15 yrs man

as you know My pops 3 yr anniversary was just last week

we had a AM Logger on am.com his father died last week as did my shop chiefs here on base

Ive been doing alot of counseling this week

[jkeithc82]

16 years today.

I ask everyone today, please call or visit your fathers if you can. It's been 16 years now and still there's not a day that goes by that I don't think about my father and how much I wish I could just talk to him.

Thanks

[Ersio]

16 years today.

I ask everyone today, please call or visit your fathers if you can. It's been 16 years now and still there's not a day that goes by that I don't think about my father and how much I wish I could just talk to him.

Thanks

Check your pm bro, I hope it helps :D

[_J-BONE_]

16 years today.

I ask everyone today, please call or visit your fathers if you can. It's been 16 years now and still there's not a day that goes by that I don't think about my father and how much I wish I could just talk to him.

Thanks

Because of this post, I'm taking my father to lunch today.


It's funny how when I was living in his house and we both worked at the same company, I would almost get annoyed when he wanted to sit with me at breakfast. I'd drive him in on some days or we'd ride the bus together. Then we usually ended up at breakfast during the same time and he'd always sit with me. I'd think:

"Why couldn't I just have some time to myself so I could prepare for the day to come? I saw him at home so couldn't he just give me a break"

Selfish probably describes that best...

[Outside backer]

16 years today.

I ask everyone today, please call or visit your fathers if you can. It's been 16 years now and still there's not a day that goes by that I don't think about my father and how much I wish I could just talk to him.

Thanks


Right there with ya Bro, 4 yrs on the 9th of this month. I tell everyone the same thing you have stated.

With my baby being born this week, I think of mine more often. God bless

[_J-BONE_]

I took my father to lunch...but he wouldn't let me pay :mad:

Like $25 is breaking the bank.

[jkeithc82]

Right there with ya Bro, 4 yrs on the 9th of this month. I tell everyone the same thing you have stated.

With my baby being born this week, I think of mine more often. God bless

I know you're going to be an excellent father man.

[bjc12]

thread gets me teared up each year, but in a good way. having dinner with my dad tonight

[TMac26]

Made a phone call to my dad, going to visit him over Easter.

[asianstyles]

16 years today.

I ask everyone today, please call or visit your fathers if you can. It's been 16 years now and still there's not a day that goes by that I don't think about my father and how much I wish I could just talk to him.

Thanks

my dad passed away when i was 8, so it has been about 17 years

[jkeithc82]

17 years today.

I just became a father for the first time last month, so I'm thinking about my dad a little more today. If I can be half the father he was to me and my brother I think I'll be doing alright.

[Illadelphia]

17 years today.

I just became a father for the first time last month, so I'm thinking about my dad a little more today. If I can be half the father he was to me and my brother I think I'll be doing alright.


Congrats Josh. While I only know you from here and a few pm's, I think you've done well to make him proud. Remember to tell your son you love him everyday, while I have had a hazy youth (drugs) i remember my father telling me everyday that regardless of what I did, he loved me unconditionally.

[OneStepCloser]

Im going to be cooking steaks and watching basketball with my old man today. Should be a great time.


Congrats on becoming a father yourself man. Im sure your father would be proud.

[-KTA-]

I had a friend just lose his father to colon cancer right after Xmas which was 100% preventable apparently had he gotten checked up.

This reminded me to drag my dad to the doctor soon and get himself checked (he has not been checked at all). I'm a stubborn bastard like him, thread gave me more perspective. Thanks for writing it & bumping.

[jkeithc82]

18 years today.

Please take a moment and call/visit your fathers and appreciate them.

[Diesel0022]

18 years today.

Please take a moment and call/visit your fathers and appreciate them.

This meant alot to me, thank you for sharing this. Im glad you re-bumped it.

Reps on recharge (even though Im sure you could care less about my small amount)


Edit- Makes you think about how much or how little time everyone has. Really helps you be a better person, hearing things like this.

[rhadam]

18 years today.

Please take a moment and call/visit your fathers and appreciate them.

I know i don't do that enough. Can always use a reminder.

[GApump]

Will do that this evening, I've been feeling guilty lately about not being in touch with my parents enough. I'm an only child and live about 8 hours away from them and we only speak once a week at most.

I need to make more of an effort or I'll regret it later.

[D3Baseball]

I had never seen this thread before, very moving stuff. I remember being 16 and caught up with whatever 16 year olds are caught up with...then suddenly realizing someone in my house was dead. Lots of things have changed for me since then, but I often wonder what my big brother would think of what I'm up to nowadays. There are few things I would rather do than hang out just one more time.

I'm glad you've learned from the best and get to be a great father to your own son now.

[SupremeMMA]

Definitely need to call my dad. Thanks.

[Hyruliangoat]

Hugging my dad when i get home

[|ceman]

Read the OP again and shed another tear. Loss is terrible. :(

[jkeithc82]

19 years today.

Please take a moment and call/visit your fathers and appreciate them.

[fitnfirm]

Both of my parents have passed now, so also hug your Mom ! Josh, I feel for ya, I would do anything to hear my fathers voice or have one more day with him.

[DanND33]

Never knew about this thread. Very sorry for your loss and I agree, that pain never goes away. My father passed away from cancer 12 years ago and that pain is just as raw today as it was then. I sat by his bed at the hospital for the two days it took him to finally let go, never leaving his side. Despite the fact that he was disorientated by the pain medications I took that time to talk with him and relieve our good memories together so for that I am grateful.

I also question every day on whether or not I'm making him proud but as long as we are a good fathers to our children, live to be honorable and decent to others I believe our fathers would be very proud.