O/T There Should Be A Joke Thread...

[Mark1T]

If so, here's the first one...
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Why I fired my secretary!

Two weeks ago was my birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday," and probably have a present for me.

She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone any "Happy Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's my wife for you - maybe the children will remember. " The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.

When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Lizzy, said, "Good morning, boss. Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better; hey - someone remembered. I worked until noon. Then, Lizzy knocked on my door and said "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go."

We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out to the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment she said, 'Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable. "Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday, lalalaalaaah.............

And there I sat...on the couch waiting...naked as the day I was born.......... :D

[Hibiscus09]

LOL! Funny! :) We used to have a joke thread.

[Andrew69]

True story hey Mark?

Heres my 6 y/o daugthers favorite riddle at the moment.


Why did the turkey cross the road?



It was the chickens day off!

[jtroster]

One says to the other, "Lou, you know that there is a case of V.D. going around the home?"

The other says, "Harry, that would be nice, I'm so tired of 7-Up."

[fitnessman]

Fitnessman is cutting.....LOL!

[johnnyironboard]

What is the longest word in the english language: SMILES there is a mile between the two S's.

[r8rrob]

Guy comes home and finds his wife packing.

"Where are you going?", he says.

"I'm moving to Vegas," she says. "I just found out that I can get $250 for what I give you for free!"

He starts packing too.

She says, "Where are you going?"

"Vegas," he says. "I want to see how you'll live off of $500 a year!"

[Mark1T]

Who Says Men Don't Remember Anniversaries?
------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the dining room table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 18?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.

"Yes, I do" she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your mother caught us behind the couch making love?"

"Yes, I remember." says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues..."Do you remember when she shoved a shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too." she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says..."I would have gotten out today."

:)

[1stindoor]

hahahahahaha....NOW THAT...was funny!

[RaSP]

Apologies in advance to any and all blonde women in the audience.

A blonde woman is pulled over for speeding by a blonde police woman. The officer approaches and asks for the drivers license and registration.

The driver says, "Drivers License? What's that? "

The officer replies, "It's a square thing with your picture on it"

The driver digs through her purse and finds her compact, flips it open and sees her reflection. She then hands this to the officer.

The officer regards it carefully, then hands it back and says, "Sorry, I didn't know you were a cop."


*R*

[TrishB]

LOL.....these are good. We used to have a joke thread...kinda got lost over time. This is fun to get the jokes of the day.

We used to have a Kink thread too...I'm not sure how that one got lost with this group. :)

[r8rrob]

LOL.....these are good. We used to have a joke thread...kinda got lost over time. This is fun to get the jokes of the day.

We used to have a Kink thread too...I'm not sure how that one got lost with this group. :)


A Kink thread? Who wants to touch that one????

[TrishB]

A Kink thread? Who wants to touch that one????

LOL..want to bet it is up and running by tonight? :D

[r8rrob]

LOL..want to bet it is up and running by tonight? :D

LOL...that's too funny! (Can't wait to see it!!!)

[r8rrob]

Here's another one . . . .

A man flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his
back, and had nothing left but the second half of his round trip ticket. If
he could just get to the airport he could get himself home.

So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He
got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the
driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get out of my cab" So the man was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later, having worked long and hard to attain financial success, he
returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.

Well who should he see out there, way at the end of a long line of cabs, but
his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his
luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab at the front of the line, "How much for
a ride to the airport, " he asked? "Fifteen bucks, " came the reply. "And how much for you to give me some oral sex on the way?" "What?! Get out of my cab." said the cabbie.

The man got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same
questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back
of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The
cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The man said "ok" and off they went.

Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the man lowered the
window, gave a big smile and a thumbs up sign to each driver as they went
by.

[r8rrob]

And one more...

After retiring, I went to the social security office to apply for
Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my
driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and
realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry but I seemed to have left my
wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later."

The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She says,
"That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me." and she
processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
social security office.

She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have
gotten disability too."

[KSongstress]

Who Says Men Don't Remember Anniversaries?
------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the dining room table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 18?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.

"Yes, I do" she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your mother caught us behind the couch making love?"

"Yes, I remember." says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues..."Do you remember when she shoved a shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too." she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says..."I would have gotten out today."

:)

RFLMAOOOOO....reps for the laugh!

[Hibiscus09]

LOL, rob!! I like the disability joke! :D

[hatman]

LOL! Funny! :) We used to have a joke thread.


http://forum.bodybuilding.com/showthread.php?t=198145&highlight=jokes

Is this the one you speak of hib?

[r8rrob]

A study at the University of Missouri shows that the type of facial features that a woman finds attractive can differ, depending upon where she is at in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If a woman is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

If she is menstruating or menopausal, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass while he is on fire.

[Bouncer79]

A guy goes into a bar after work for a drink. Sits at the bar and orders a beer. As he's sitting there, he looks behind the bar and notices a barrel FILLED with hundred dollar bills. He asks the bartender,

"Hey, what's the deal with that barrel?". The bartender replies,

"Don't even worry about it pal, it's bad news". The man insists to know what the deal with the barrel is. Finally the bartender gives in and tells him,

"Ok, to start you need to put your hundred dollar bill in the barrel. First, you have to go fight our bouncer". The bartender points toward the door at a giant bouncer in a black suit. "You have to knock him out in the fight. If you survive that, I'll give you a key to the back room. In that room is a pitbull. You have to bring me out one of the dog's teeth. Then, if you somehow can get through that, there is a 90 year old woman upstairs you must have sex with. If you survive all 3 of those tasks, the entire barrel of money is yours".

The man shakes his head and says, "Forget it".

A couple of hours go by and the man has had a lot more beers then he intended. Getting up his beer nerves he shouts out and slurs,

"I'm going for the barrel!!!"

He gets off his bar stool and throws his money in the barrel. Goes to turn around to head towards the bouncer but is so drunk that he trips and falls sending his beer mug sailing through the air which hits the bouncer square in the face knocking him out cold. The entire crowd starts cheering the man on as he manages to get back to his feet.

He grabs the key from the bartender and stumbles towards the back room with the pitbull. He closes the door behind him and for the next half hour all the crowd heard was the man screaming and the dog barking and going crazy. Suddenly the noise just stops. Fearing the worst, the bartender begins to walk to the room figuring he will find the man dead.

Just then, the door swings open and the man comes out bloody and beaten and with torn clothes he blurts out,

"Ok... now where's this old woman who's teeth I have to pull?"

[The Conqueror]

If so, here's the first one...
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Why I fired my secretary!

Two weeks ago was my birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday," and probably have a present for me.

She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone any "Happy Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's my wife for you - maybe the children will remember. " The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.

When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Lizzy, said, "Good morning, boss. Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better; hey - someone remembered. I worked until noon. Then, Lizzy knocked on my door and said "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go."

We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out to the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment she said, 'Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable. "Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday, lalalaalaaah.............

And there I sat...on the couch waiting...naked as the day I was born.......... :D

LOL! Add to my joke and humor thread! The addy is in my sig.

[jtroster]

A doctor and his wife are having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss then says she'll see him later and walks away. The wife glares at her husband and says in as stern a voice as possible, "Who the hell was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife, slamming down her knife and fork. "I've had enough. I want a divorce!"

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more big Mercedes in the garage for you and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Rob?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.

[1stindoor]

"Ours is prettier," she replies.
hahahahaha. Thanks for that one, made my afternoon

[GREENFEATHER]

An old drunk decides to change his ways. He wakes up Sunday from an all night bender and decides he's going to go to church. He walks to the church and finds out they're going to the river for baptisms so he decides to go.
They go down to the river and the preacher comes up to him and asks him if he's ready to find God, the drunk says yes. They walk out into the river and the preacher dunks him in the water and pulls him up and asks him "Did you find God?" The drunk replies "No". The preacher dunks him again, pulls him back up and asks him the same question, to wit the drunk replies no again. The preacher is starting to get flustered at this point and dunks him and holds him under for longer this time. He pulls him back up and asks him again "Did you find God?" The drunk replies" Preacher, are sure this is where you lost him ?"

[GREENFEATHER]

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few
days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous
young woman on his arm. A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris
and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be
cheerful.'"
The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be
careful

[little lats]

who would want a kink thread?????? Hmm I guess having one named after you isn't good.....

[batteryrequired]

Valentines Day is here again, and with it the perfect opportunity for marketing departments the world over to romance investors and donors with Valentine-themed promotions! Here are some that didn’t quite make it off the drawing board:
Nevada State Tourism Board
“Nothing Says I LOVE YOU Like Legalized Prostitution and Gambling” T-shirts, baseball caps, and coffee mugs.

Ku Klux Klan
* Valentine’s Day Heart Burning, co-sponsored by Alka Seltzer

Vatican Public Relations Office
* “Naughty Altar Boy” limited edition ceramic figurine

American Heart Association
* Chocolate heart with marshallow-filled arteries. Simultaneously a touching token of love and a serious warning to an overweight sweetheart.

Daughters of the American Revolution
* Illustrated Kama Sutra featuring George and Martha Washington. Comes with authentic period wooden dental dam.

PETA
* Spray Paint a Red Heart on Joan Rivers’ Coat Competition

National Society of Organ Donors
* “My Heart Belongs to You (As Soon As I’m Brain Dead)” cards.

Department of Homeland Security
* Moving the Valentine’s Day National Warning System Code Red for a “High Risk of Lovin’”

[BeLeafer]

The other night I heard a knock at my door. I answered it to find a
six-foot cockroach on my doorstep.
It threw me across the room, then it left. I was stunned!!

The next night, the doorbell rang again. The same cockroach was standing
there. Before I could do anything it punched me in the stomach and left.

The following night, the same thing happened and the cockroach kneed me in
the groin (stop laughing it bloody hurt!!) and bit me behind my left ear.

Yesterday I went to see my doctor to get my injuries treated and asked
him,

"What can I do?"

"Not much," my doctor said.

"There's just a nasty bug going around."

[Mark1T]

This 'aint a joke, but it's funny...

100-Pound Woman Eats Six-Pound Burger
Monday, January 17, 2005

CLEARFIELD, Pa. — Kate Stelnick (search ) may weigh only 100 pounds, but her appetite is remarkable. The college student from Princeton, N.J., is the first to meet a restaurant's challenge by downing its six-pound hamburger — and five pounds of fixins' — within three hours.

Stelnick didn't eat for two days to prepare for the challenge. "I felt very full, but I was too excited that I actually ate it to notice," Stelnick said.

Stelnick, 19, made the five-hour drive to Denny's Beer Barrel Pub (search) with two friends from The College of New Jersey on Wednesday, after they saw pictures of the monster burger, dubbed the Ye Old 96er (search ).

Denny Leigey Jr., the owner of the bar 35 miles northwest of State College, had offered a two-pound burger for years and conceived of the six-pounder after his daughter went to college and phoned him about a bar that sold a four-pounder.

But nobody had finished the big burger in the three-hour time limit since it was introduced on Super Bowl Sunday 1998. In addition to the meat, contestants much eat one large onion, two whole tomatoes, one half head of lettuce, 1¼ pounds of cheese, two buns, and a cup each of mayonnaise, ketchup, mustard, relish, banana peppers and some pickles.

Stelnick did it all in two hours, 54 minutes.

Leigey said he was pretty sure somebody would meet his burger challenge, though he didn't have a petite woman in mind.

"I wouldn't have made it if I didn't think it was possible," Leigey said.

[r8rrob]

A Texan is drinking in a New York bar, when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar.

He announces, his wife has just produced a typical Texas baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds.

But the Texan just shrugs and says, "That's about average down home, folks."

"Like I said, My boy's a typical Texas baby boy."

Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW!" were heard. One woman actually faints due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you?

"Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you. So .... how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "17 pounds! "

The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born."

The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,

"Had him circumcised."

[r8rrob]

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and
we all could use more calm in our lives. By following the simple
advice I heard on a Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace.

Dr. Phil proclaimed "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all
the things you've started." So I looked around my house to see all the
things I started and hadn't finished. Then, before leaving the house
this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White
Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of
Oreos, the remainder of both Prozac and Valium prescriptions, the rest of
the cheesecake, some saltines and a box of chocolates.


You have no idea how freaking good I feel.

[r8rrob]

Know Your State Motto

Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Arizona: No, You’re Looking for Hell. It’s Two Doors Down
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Connecticut: Kinda Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Delaware: The Chemicals aren’t THAT Bad In Our Water
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids…We’d Like to Remember Them
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, Leave Your Money)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes...NOT!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kansas: Experience Sterling and Discover Kansas
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kentucky: Five Million People And Only Fifteen Last Names
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Louisiana: That Drunk Cajun Wackos Thing Is Just Our Tourism Campaign
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes...And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and Very Little Else
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nebraska: Warren Buffet Sleeps Here
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nevada: Hookers and Poker!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New Hampshire: Cover Us Every Four Years…Now Go Away!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right here!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Oklahoma: Loved The Musical…But It Don’t Sound Like Me!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Oregon: Spotted Owl...It's What's For Dinner
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
South Carolina: We Nevah Surrendahed, Sir!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tennessee: The Educashun State
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Texas: Si, Hablo Ingles (Yes, I Speak English)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Vermont: Yep
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Virginia: Where Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Mix It Up!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Washington: Where Nerds Run Free and Caffeinated!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family...Really!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wyoming: Dick Cheney’s Not Home

[Mark1T]

LOL, Rob!! :D

[r8rrob]

You're An EXTREME Redneck When.....

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

5. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this."

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

[hatman]

1. A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, (mid eighties). The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"


2. An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"


3. Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says... Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you' re about my age. How do you feel?"

Slim says, "I feel just like a new-born baby." "Really!? Like a new-born baby!?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.

4. Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman--already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet--who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. "I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

5. An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."

The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns."

"Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

[jtroster]

Then there was the midget psychic who escaped from jail.

A small medium at large.

[r8rrob]

Then there was the midget psychic who escaped from jail.

A small medium at large.

Good one!

[phikappa]

...

[GameDayDog]

It's true.. my jokes suck.. but I found one from tonyfollari.com and wanted to share it ... just so thys thread doesn't die...

Gym Robbery

Gold's Gym was robbed last week, that's the last time they recommend free weights.

and here are some photos from muscleheadz.com, I thought they were funny.

Peace.

[Most Muscular]

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the
Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red
vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy
lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and
Krispy Crème Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with
that" And Man said, "Yes" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at
it, add some sprinkles" And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that
Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and
sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size
14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad" And Satan presented
Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side.
And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil
in which to cook them" And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and
chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more
weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food
Cake"
and said, "It is good" Satan then created chocolate cake and named it
"Devil's Food"

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those
extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would
not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried
before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with
nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy
center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still
satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double
cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that"; And Man
replied, "Yes! And super size them"

And Satan said, "It is good" And Man went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed
and created quadruple bypass surgery. Then Satan created HMOs.

Thought for the day ....... There is more money being spent on breast
implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by
2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge
erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Not saying you all are old, but I wanted to share this with you anyways :)

[1stindoor]

A young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger, pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She then pushes her knee and screams, and pushes her ankle and screams.

Everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"

"No," she says, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."

[r8rrob]

LOL, Most Muscular! But I really thought Krispy Kreme's were sent from heaven. Now I know the truth!

[Sam_I_Am]

One day out in the Texas panhandle, a guy sees a sign in front of a
house: "Talking Dog for Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black Lab just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young
and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift,
and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in
rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would
be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years
running.

"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any
younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the
airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near
suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible
dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals.

"Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for
the dog.

"Ten dollars."

The guy is dumbfounded. "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you
selling him so cheap?"

"He's a liar. He didn't do any of that ****."

[GameDayDog]

"He's a liar. He didn't do any of that ****."

Man.. if it wasn't 1:35 am here... I'd call people to tell 'em that one.. hahaha... probably extra funny because of the time I spent in Texas... That's funny.. Great Post. Whew..

~G

[r8rrob]

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
* Indubitably
* Preliminary
* Proliferation

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
* Specificity
* Antidisestablishmentarianism
* Loquacious
* Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
* Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
* Nope, no more booze for me
* Sorry, but you're not really my type
* Oh, no, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing

[joed]

Everyone has seen TV shows like "Sex in the city" where women are pals, support each other during times of difficulty, and generally laugh a lot together. Men have to be the writers of these shows because in real life these things almost never happen.

Here's a scene from real life: four attractive women are having lunch when one excuses herself to go to the bathroom. After she's gone one of the others says "What has the bitch done to her hair?".

[joed]

A couple of things you'll never hear a man say when watching TV with his woman:

Here honey, you take the remote.

I'm glad there aren't any hockey games on this year.

I really enjoy watching reruns of "My fair lady".

No thanks, I don't want any beer or snacks tonight.

You sit in the comfortable recliner babe.

You sit & watch, I'll go to get it.

This isn't what I'd call spending quality time together.

I don't want to watch the rest of this. I'll go to bed & warm up your side.

[Cajunmuscle]

Boudreaux and Thibodeaux worked together and both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office.

When asked his occupation, Boudreaux answered, "Panty Stitcher. I sew da elastic onto ladies' cotton panties." The clerk looked up Panty Stitcher. Finding it classified as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.

Thibodeaux was asked his occupation. "Diesel Fitter," he replied. Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Thibodeaux $600 a week.

When Boudreaux found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and coworker was collecting double his pay. The clerk explained, "Panty Stitchers are unskilled and diesel fitters are skilled labor."

"What skill?" yelled Boudreaux. "I sew the elastic on da panties, Thibodeaux puts dem over his head and says: "Yeah, dese 'il fit 'er."

[Cajunmuscle]

" Poor Ole Boudreaux " Way down in dat old swamp known as Louisiana, Boudreaux's old lady had been pregnant for some time, and now the time had come. So, he brought her to the doctor, and the doctor began to deliver the baby. She had a little boy.

The doctor looked over at Boudreaux and said, "Hey Boudreaux! You just had you a son!" Ain't dat grand!!

Boudreaux got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, Hold on! We ain't finished yet!" The doctor then delivered a little girl.

He said, "Hey, Boudreaux! You got you a daughter!" She a pretty lil tang, too.

Boudreaux got kind of puzzled by this, and then the doctor said, "Hold on, we still ain't got done yet!" The doctor then delivered another boy and said, "Boudreaux, you just had youself another boy!

When Boudreaux and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, "Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil?"

She said, "Yeah, I do."

Boudreaux said, "Man, it's a damn good tang we didn't use no WD-40!

[Cajunmuscle]

The coaches from St. Landry Louisiana parish went to a coaches retreat and to save money, they had to room two to a room. No one wanted to room with Coach Boudreaux because he snored. They decided to be fair, they'd take turns so each of them only had to share a room with him one night.

Coach Fontenot shared a room with him the first night. The next morning he goes to breakfast with his hair a mess, eyes all blood shot. The other two ask, "Man, was it that bad?" He say, "Man, that Boudreaux snore so loud, I watched him all night."

The next night was Guidry's turn. In the morning, the same thing - hair all standing up, eyes all blood shot. They say, "Man, it must have been bad, you look awful!" He said, "Man, that Boudreaux shook the roof. I watched him all night."

The third night was Coach Doucet's turn. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. He said, "Good morning."

Fontenot and Guidry can't believe it, "Man, what happened?"

"Well, we got ready for bed, I went over, tucked Boudreaux into bed and kissed him good night. He watched me all night long."

[ciminok]

What should you do if you see your husband stumbling around the front yard?


Shoot him again!

[SoMdHunter]

The Russian wrestling team came to America looking to win every match to be played. The largest Russian on the team, a real heavy weight known for creaming all his opponents, had a move called The Mongolian Death-grip. When it was the heavy-weight American’s turn to take on this huge Russian Bear, the coach told him to be careful, and “Whatever happens, don’t let him get you in the Mongolian Death-grip!”

The referee gets the 2 warriors together, bang goes the bell and in less than 30 seconds the American is wrapped into a pretzel, victim of the Mongolian Death-grip. The coach is tremendously disappointed, turns away from the match shaking his head. He knows the poor American is a goner. All of a sudden, the crowd erupts with cheers and applause. The coach turns around and can’t believe his eyes! The American has pinned the Russian and 1, 2, 3 he wins the match! As the American approaches the coach, the coach screams, “Oh my God, how did you get out of the Mongolian Death-grip? No one has every gotten out of that hold before.” The wrestler replies, “Well coach, you see, there I was, all twisted up like a pretzel. I was really hurting, it was tough to breathe and I knew I wasn’t going to last much longer. I looked up and there they were, the biggest set of testicles you have ever seen, only inches away from my mouth. Figuring I had nothing to loose, I just reached up and bit down as hard as I could!”

The coach replies, and THAT is how you overpowered the Russian huh? “Yep replied the wrestler. You’d be amazed how much strength you can generate when you bite your own nuts!” :D

[SoMdHunter]

Who Says Men Don't Remember Anniversaries?
------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the dining room table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 18?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.

"Yes, I do" she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your mother caught us behind the couch making love?"

"Yes, I remember." says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues..."Do you remember when she shoved a shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too." she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says..."I would have gotten out today."

:)


Bro...you're killing me over here!!! ROTFLMFAO!!!! :D Rep for ya!!!

[1stindoor]

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda says "Where in the hell have you been?"

He replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."

A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain; "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, for one; I like to watch my money grow, and two; once in a while I like to play with my money, three; I like how money feels in my hand and lastly; instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

[joed]

If money won't make you happy, you won't like poverty either.

A mom went for a walk & her kids asked how long she'd be gone. She said "The whole time."

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

And finally, always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

[hatman]

A very important event is going to happen on May the 4th. I'm telling you so early because it's so important. I urge each of you to mark that date on your calendars with the letters BU. It's very important that you include the letter B with the letter U; you may miss the importance of the event without it.

So go now, and mark your calendars. Keep repeating to yourselves as you walk to the calendar, so you don't forget: May the 4th, B with U; May the 4th, B with U...

[Angry Mike]

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have
never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into
bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel
like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me
to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look
by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in
the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to
take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We
went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond
earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was
one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because

she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play
tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel
like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled
“WHAT?"

I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're
just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy
your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she
was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and
not for the things I buy you?"






Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

[A.FreeRadical]

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

Welcome to the club. Good joke err ahhh story err....

Aint it the truth? :D

*

aA.FreeRadical a
Visit my 8 week plan for 8% bf http://forum.bodybuilding.com/showthread.php?t=382697

[Angry Mike]

Both. Joke and Story!

[Tim_G]

How do you piss off a female archeologist?






-give her a used tampon and ask her what period its from....

[Mark1T]

A guy receives an ad in the mail to a golfing resort where everything costs a dollar. He jumps at the offer and heads off for the weekend for some fun in the sun. He arrives and plays a round of golf. It costs him a buck.

That evening he has dinner and it costs him another buck. His room is only a buck a day. The day before he checks out, on his way to play his last round of golf, he stops by the pro shop and charges a sleeve of golf balls to his room.

The next morning at checkout, he sees his bill is $904 - Round of Golf - $1.00. Dinner - $1.00. Room - $1.00. Round of Golf - $1.00. Sleeve of Golf Balls - $900.

He calls over the manager and says, "What is this crap all about, everything was suppose to cost a dollar and you charged me $900 for golf balls!"

The manager replied, "I'm sorry sir but you must not have read the fine print in our promotional brochure. That is what our golf balls cost."

The guy replies, "At that price I would have been better off staying across the street at the luxary hotel - at least I would have known what I was paying for."

The manager replied, "Yes sir, you could have, but over there they get you by the room and over here we get you by the balls." :)

[GREENFEATHER]

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small
tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is
that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell.


Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says,
"Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a
beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is
neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best
piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

[joed]

Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.


There is no substitute for genuine lack of preparation.


Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

[GREENFEATHER]

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her
9-year old son, Johnny, comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the
bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home.

She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that Johnny is in there
already.

Johnny says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."

Johnny - "I have a baseball."

Man - "That's nice."

Johnny - "Want to buy it?"

Man - "No, thanks."

Johnny - "My dad's outside."

Man - "OK, how much?"

Johnny - "$150"

Man - "Sold."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that Johnny and the lover are in the
closet together.

Johnny - "Dark in here."

Man - "Yes, it is."

Johnny - "I have a Wilson fielders glove."

The lover, remembering the last time, asks Johnny, "How much?"

Johnny - "$350"

Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."

A few days later, the father says to Johnny, "Grab your gloves, let's go
outside and have a game of catch.

Johnny says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my gloves."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

Johnny -"$500"

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to
church and make you confess your greed."

They go to the church and the father makes Johnny sit in the confession
booth and he closes the door.

Johnny says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that again, you're in my closet now"

[domineaux]

Instructions on how to handle your wife

It is important for men to remember that as women start getting older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive and there ain't nothing worse then an oversensitive woman.

Let me relate how I handled the situation with my
wife. When I was laid off from my consulting job and took "early
retirement" in April, it became necessary for her to get a full-time
job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working I noticed she was beginning to show
her age. I usually get home from the Golf Course about the same time
she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she
almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she
starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her
time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally
have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not
reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that
door...

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now,
it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after
dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times
each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she appreciates
this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes
to bed.

I really think my old business as a consultant helps a lot. I consider
telling people what they ought to do one of my strong points...

Now that she has gotten older, she does seem to get tired so much more
quickly. Our washer and dryer are in the basement. Sometimes she says
she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big
issue of this; as she finishes up the laundry the next evening, I'm
willing to overlook it. Not only that, but unless I need something
ironed to wear to the Monday lodge meeting, or to Wednesday's or
Saturday's poker club, or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling, or
something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to
do the ironing. This gives her a little more time to do some of those
odds and ends like shampooing the dog, vacuuming or dusting.

The other day I had a really good round on the course but it was wet
and muddy so my clubs were a mess, so I let her clean them, you
know.....get the grit off the grips and a little light Brillo on the
club faces at a casual pace. My golf bag is heavy so I lift it out of
the trunk for her. Women are delicate, have weak wrists and can't lift
heavy stuff as good as men. But I did tell her I don't like to be
wakened during my after golf nap, so rather then bother me, she can
put them back in the trunk when she's finished.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she
will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly
bills during her lunch hour. We take'em for better or worse,
so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out
over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much.

I also remind her that missing a lunch completely now and then
wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact
is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest
periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished
mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene.

I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of
freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as
she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too,
then take her break by my hammock. That way she can talk with me until
I fall asleep.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support my wife. I'm
not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will
find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better
than I do, how frustrating women get as they get older.

However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less
criticism of your wife because of this article, I will consider
that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this
earth to help each other...

[r8rrob]

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

[GREENFEATHER]

A guy goes to the U. S. Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks
him,
"Have you been in the service?"
"Yes," he says. "I was in Vietnam for three years."
The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment."
The interviewer then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes 100%... a mortar round exploded near me and blew my
testicles off."
The interviewer tells the guy, "O. K. I can hire you right now. The hours
are from
8:00 A. M. to 4:00 P. M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 am."
The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM,
then why do you want me to come in at 10:00?"
"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours
we sit around
scratching our balls....... there's no point in you coming in for that

[domineaux]

Both. Joke and Story!

Toooo funny, but what guy in his right mind could ever get that far with the game?

Shoot...most of us would have given up long before the tennis bracelet. LOL

[GREENFEATHER]

On the first day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten." So God agreed.

On the second day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed.

On the third day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed again.

On the forth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. I'll give you twenty years."

Man said, "What? Only twenty years! Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back and the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave back, that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You've got a deal."



So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

[CURB-DOG]

Betty is taking a shower when her doorbell rings. She quickly jumps out of the shower, throws on a robe and runs to the door. She see's that it is her husbands friend Steve so she invites him in. Steve asks her if her husband is home from work yet and she says no. He is about to leave but he can't get over how sexy she looks still wet in her robe. He says to her "Betty you look so attractive right now. I'll pay you $500 if you open your robe a little and show me one of your breasts." She knows that Steve is harmless and wouldn't mind a little extra cash so she does it and he pays her. Then he says "I'll tell you what. I'll give you another $500 if you pull that robe down to your waist and show me both of your breasts." She is a little hesitant but then starts thinking of all the things she could buy with it. So she shows him both her breasts and he pays her and leaves.
Later that evening her husband gets home. Shortly after he comes through the door he says "Honey, did Steve stop by today and drop off that $1000 he owes me?"

[joed]

1. My mother taught me logic. "Because I said so, that's why."

2. My mother taught me to appreciate a job well done. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning the floor."

3. She taught me religion. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

4. She taught me about time travel. "If you don't quit it, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week."

5. She taught me irony. "Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

6. She taught me about stamina. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

7. She taught me about the science of osmosis. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

8. She taught me about contortionism. "Look at that dirt on the back of your neck."

9. She taught me about the circle of life. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

10. She taught me about having fun with adults. "If you don't listen to me, we're going to be knocking over tables & chairs and rolling around on the floor."

11. She taught me about envy. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

12. Mom taught me about anticipation. "Just wait until we get home."

13. She taught me about receiving. "You're going to get it when your dad gets home."

14. She taught me medical science. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."

15. She taught me about humor. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

16. Mum taught me how to become an adult. "If you don't eat your veggies you'll never grow up."

17. She taught me about my roots. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

18. And my favorite: my mother taught me about justice. "One day you'll have kids and I hope they turn out just like you."

[GREENFEATHER]

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middleof catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a pe
anut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.
The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.

Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?"
The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law."

[GREENFEATHER]

A group of first-year medical students is gathered around an operating table for their first anatomy lesson with a dead body.
“As a doctor, you’ll need to develop two key skills,” the professor begins.
“The first is stoicism. You can’t be disgusted by anything involving the human body.”
The professor then rolls the body over, sticks his finger into the corpse’s butt, withdraws it and sticks his finger in his mouth.
“Now do the same,” he instructs.
The horrified students hesitate, but eventually take turns dipping a finger into the cadaver’s anus and then sucking on it.
When everyone has finished, the professor continues, “The second skill is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and then I sucked on my index finger. Pay attention.”

[GREENFEATHER]

A man goes in for an operation to get his penis enlarged. During the operation the doctor sews a baby elephant's trunk onto the end of his penis. Two weeks later he is sitting at a bar with this beautiful woman when his dick leaps out of his pants, snatches a roll from the table and disappears back into the man's pants. "Wow!" says the woman, "Can you do that again?" "Not for about an hour" he replies, "I don't think my ass can handle another hard roll."

[GREENFEATHER]

A female officer pulled over someone who was obviously a drunk driver.

The officer says: ''You are under arrest, anything you say can and will be held against you.''

The drunk driver stutters and cies out: ''Boobs!''

[domineaux]

Four brothers left home for college and they became successful lawyers and doctors. Some years later, they chatted after having a family dinner together. They discussed gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

The first said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver a SL600 to her".

The second said, "I had a big house built for mama".

The third said,"I had a hundred thousand dollar home theatre built in the house".

The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading her Bible and you know how hard it is for her to read, since she can't see as well. I met this preacher that told me about a Parrot that could recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach the Parrot. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the Parrot will recite it.

Wow! all the brothers were impressed.

After the holidays, Mama sent out her thank you notes to her boys.

She wrote:

Frank, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anway.

Steve, I am to old to travel and have difficulty seeing, so I stay home. I have my groceries delivered, so I never get to drive the beautiful car. The thought was very good.

Albert, You gave me an expensive home theatre with all that great sound and screen. The theatre can hold fify people, but I'm sad to say most of my friends are dead. I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind so I never use it. Thank you for the jesture just the same.

Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give such a thoughtful gift. The chicken was delicious, Thank you.

[domineaux]

Two sweet little ole ladies were having lunch at the tea room.

Emma looked at Mabel and said, "Mabel did you know you have a suppository in your ear?"

Mabel reached up and removed the suppository from her ear. Mabel looked at it and exclaimed, "Whew! I know where I put my hearing aid." :D

[jaguarr]

A horse walks into a bar, clops over and sits down a stool, frowns and orders a beer. The bartender says "Hey, buddy...why the long face?"

:D

jag

[domineaux]

The couple had been having troubles in their marriage for several years.

They agreed to go on a cruise to the Bahamas and maybe they could re-kindle their dying marriage.

The wife and husband were out on deck enjoying the moonlight when she slipped and fell overboard.

The ship turned around and looked and looked, but they couldn't find her.

After the search boats arrived the Captain of the cruise ship went on to port, but he told the husband the search crews would contact him as soon as the found or learned anything.

After about three days the husband got a call. The search crews had found the wife floating at sea, dead of course. The search captain said the husband was very fortunate, there was a large oyster that had clamped onto the wifes skirt and inside the oyster there was a black pearl worth about $50,000. The search captain asked where to send the pearl and what he should do with the body. The husband replied...send the pearl to me and throw the bait back in.

:D

[jaguarr]

A bear walks into a bar, walks up to where the bartender is wiping down some glasses and says "I'll have a................................................. .............................beer." The bar tender looks at the bear quizzically and says "Hey, buddy, why the big pause?"

:D

(Read it out loud if it doesn't make sense at first)

jag

[jtroster]

Dear Dogs and Cats,
When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way. The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping. They can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog's or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you. To pacify you, I have posted the following message on our front door.

Rules for Non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets:

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.

3. I like my pet better than I like most people.

4. To you it's an animal. To me he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, and are easier to train. They usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't drink or smoke, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a zillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the results.

Sincerely,
A Pet Owner

[GREENFEATHER]

Do you know what the hardest thing in the world is?




























Trying to put it in soft !:D

[Gator]

heres a clean and quick one...

what do u call a fake noodle ?



impasta LOLOLOL






Gator

[GREENFEATHER]

The NFL announced today that for financial reasons, they had to eliminate one team from the National Football League. Therefore, they've decided to combine the Green Bay Packers and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and form one team to help save jobs. They will be known as the TAMPACKS. Unfortunately, they're only good for one period and have no second string.

[GREENFEATHER]

Don't eat chicken sandwiches, no matter what..... A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their
lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day!
This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?" She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it.""Why?" he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'mstarting to grow little
feathers down there!" "Let me see" he said. "Okay" and she pulled up
her skirt. He looked and said, "That's right. You are! Better not eat any
more chicken. He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one
day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!"
She asked if she could look, so he pulled down
his pants for her. She said
"Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the neck and the gizzards!!

[RaSP]

I've seen many of these before (and at least a few are false urban legend), but I think they're good for a chuckle anyway:

1. When his 38-calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.....

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his Vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15.

(If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

[kimsquit]

After a hard day at the office and a fight with his wife, a guy walks into a local bar to drown his sorrows.

Looking around the dimly lit bar, he sees the bartender's rotweiller curled up over in the corner, happily licking his doggy testicles. He says to the bartender, "Boy, I sure wish I could do that" and the bartender says "well, you might want to try pettin' him first..."

[GREENFEATHER]

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming!" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said,
"Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"... I just lost it."

[batteryrequired]

An Italian, a Scotsman & a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site.
The foreman
points out a huge pile of sand & says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge
of sweeping."

To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shovelling."
And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to
make a dent
in that there pile."

So the foreman goes away for a couple hours & when he returns, the pile of
sand is
untouched. He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"

The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chineeesa fella
that he a wasa
ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared & I no coulda finda him
nowhere."

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman & says,"And you, I thought I told you
to shovel
this pile."

The Scotsman replies, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah could nay get meself a
shoovel! Ye left
th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah could nay fin' him
either."

The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand to
look for the
Chinese guy ... Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of
sand & yells
. . . . . . "SUPPLIES!!!!!!"

[Danimal]

A young cowboy walked into a seedy looking little cafe in a west Texas town. As he sat down at the counter he looked over at an old cowpoke that was sitting looking into his bowl of chili. After the old guy sat there for a few minutes without eating any the young cowboy asked him if he could have it. The old cowpoke pushed the bowl down the counter and said sure help yourself.
The youngster dug in with vigor till he got down to the bottom of the bowl where he saw a dead mouse. Upon seeing the mouse he puked right back into the bowl.
The old cowpoke looked over at the youngster and said, yep, that's as far as I got too.

[RaSP]

A private investigator was hired by a San Diego bank to track a suspect in a recent robbery and recover the money. The investigator tracks the culprit over the border Mexico and apprehends him. Upon realizing that the suspect cannot speak English, he goes to the phone book and hires an interpreter.

When the interpreter arrives be begins his interrogation. He repeatedly asks through the interpreter for the location of the stolen money, but gets nothing. Finally, out of frustration PI puts his revolver to the supects head and demands one last time, "Tell me where the money is or I'll shoot". The interpreter relays the question. To which the supect finally replies, "Senor, the money is hidden in the courtyard of the Plaza Hotel 12 paces due west from the fountain". The translator then relays to the investigator, "He says he is ready to die like a man."

Hope that reads OK and nothing was lost in the translation. :D
*R*

[SouthCaliDiva]

http://www.davidlachapelle.com/gallery/05.shtml

[mom24boys]

The Horror of Blimps

by Scylla

Last week while travelling I stopped at a Zany Brainy store and saw that they had a blimp for sale. It's called Airship Earth, and it's a great big balloon with a map of the Earth on it, and two propellors hanging from the bottom. You blow up the balloon with helium put batteries in it, and you have a radio controll indoor blimp.

I'd seen these things for sale in Sharper Image catalogs for $60-$75. At Zany Brainy it was on clearance for $15. What a deal!

Last night my wife was playing tennis and it was just my daughter and I at home. I bought a small helium tank from a party store, and last night we put the blimp together.

Let me tell you, it's quite a blimp. It's huge. The balloon has like a 3 ft diameter.

We blew it up with the tank attacched the gondola with the propellors, and put in batteries.

Then we balanced the blimp for neutral bouyancy with this putty that came with it, so it hangs in the air by itself neither rising nor falling.

It was easy and fun, and then I blew up another balloon and made Mickey Mouse helium voices for my daughter.

My three year old girl loved it. We flew the blimp all over the house, terrorized the dog, attacked the fish tank, and the controls were so easy my daughter could fly.

Let's face it, blimps are fun.

Alas, the fun had to end and my daughter had to go to sleep. I left the blimp floating in my office downstairs, my wife came home, and we went to bed, and slept the sleep of the righteous.

At this point it is important to know that my house has central heating. I have it configured to blow hot air out on the ground floor and take it in at the second floor to take advantage of the fact that heat rises.

The blimp which was up until this moment a fun toy here embarked on a career of evil. Using the artificial convection of my central heating, the blimp stealthily departed my office. It moved silently through the living and drifted to the staircase. Gliding wraithlike over the staircase it then entered the bedroom where my wife and I lay sleeping peacefully.

Running silently, and gliding six feet or so above the ground on invisible and tiny air currects it approached the bed.

In spite of it's noiseless passage, or perhaps because of it, I awoke. That doesn't really say it properly. Let me try again.

I awoke, the way you awake at 2:00 AM when your sleeping senses suddenly tell you without reason that the forces of evil on converging on you.

That still doesn't do it. Let me try one more time.

I awoke the way you awake when you suddenly know that there is a large levitating sinister presence hovering towards you with menacing intent through the maligant darkness.

Now sometimes I do wake up in the middle of the night thinking that there are large sinister and menacing things floating out of the darkness to do me and mine evil. Usually I open my eyes, look and listen carefully, decide it was a false alarm, and go back to sleep.

So, the fact that I awoke in such a manner was not all that unusual.

On this occasion I awoke to the sense that there was a large menacing presence approaching me silently out of the gloom, so I opened my eyes, and there it was! A LARGE SILENT MENACING PRESENCE WAS APPROACHING ME OUT OF THE GLOOM, AND IT COULD FLY!!!

Somewhere in the control room of my mind a fat little dwarf in a security outfit was paging through a Penthouse while smoking a cigar with his feet up on the table, watching the security monitors of my brain with his peripheral vision. Suddenly he saw the LARGE SILENT SINSITER MENACING FLOATING PRESENCE coming at me, and he pulled every panic switch and hit every alarm that my body has. A full decade's allotment of adrenaline was dumped into my bloodstream all at once. My metabolism went from "restful sleep mode" to HOLY [censored]! FIGHT FOR YOUR LIFE OR DIE!!!! mode" in a nanosecond. My heart went from twenty something beats per minute to about 240 even faster.

I always knew this was going to happen. I always knew that skepticism and science were mere psychological decorations and vanities. Deep in our alligator brains we all know that the world is just chock full of evil and monsters and sinister forces aligned against us, and it is only a matter of time until they show up. Evolution know this, too. It knows what to do when the silent terror comes at you from out of the dark.

When 50 million years worth of evolutionary survival instinct hits you all at once flat in the gut at 200 mph it is not a pleasant sensation.

Without volition I screamed my battle cry (which is indistinguishable to the sound a little girl makes when you drop a spider down her dress (not that I'd know what that sounds like,) and lept out of bed in my underwear.

I struck the approaching menace with all my strength and almost fell over at the total lack of resistance that a helium balloon offers when you punch the living [censored] out of it with all the stength that sudden middle of the night terror produces.

It's trajectory took it straight into the ceiling fan which whipped it about the room at terrifying velocity.

Seeking a weapon, I ripped the alarm clock out of its plug and hurled it at the now High Velocity Menacing presence (breaking the clock and putting a nice hole in the wall.)

Somehow at this moment I suddenly realized that I was fighting the blimp, and not a monster. It might have been funny if I didn't truly and actually feel like I was having a legitimate heart-attack.

On quivering legs I went to the bathroom and literally gagged into the toilet while shaking uncontrollably with the shock of the reaction I'd had.

Unbeleivably, both my wife and daughter had completely slept through the incident. When I decided that I wasn't having a heart attack after all I went back into the bedroom and found the blimp which had somehow survived the incident.

I took it to the walk in closet and released it inside where it floated around with the air currents released from the vents in there. I closed the door, this sealing it in, and went back to bed. About 500 years later I fell asleep.

***

At about 7 am my wife awoke. She had been playing tennis and wasn't aware that we have assembled the blimp the previous evening, and that is was now floating around the the walk-in closet that she approached.

The dyndamic between the existing air currents of the closet and the suction caused by opening the door was just enough to give the blimp the appearance of an Evil Sinister Menace flying straight towards her.

This time the blimp did not survive the encounter, nor almost, did I, as I had to explain to my very angry spouse what motivated me to hide an evil lurking presence in the closet for her to find at 7 am.

I can order replacement balloons on the internet but I don't think I will.

Some blimps are better off dead.

[jtroster]

In a small town in the Old Country, the Rabbi died. His widow, the Rebbetzin, was so disconsolate that the people of the town decided that she ought to get married again. But the town was so small that the only eligible bachelor was the town butcher.

The poor Rebbetzin was somewhat dismayed because she had been wed to a scholar, and the butcher had no great formal education. However, she was lonely, so she agreed, and they were married.

After the marriage, Friday came. She prepared to light the Sabbath candles. The butcher leaned over to her and said, "My mother told me that before lighting the candles, it's a mitzvah (good deed) to have sex." So they did.

She lit the candles. He leaned over again and said, "My father told me that after lighting the candles it's good to have sex." So they did.

They went to bed after prayers to get ready for the Sabbath. When they awoke he said to her, "My grandmother said that before you go to the synagogue it's a mitzvah to have sex." So they did.

After praying all morning, they came home to rest; and again he whispers in her ear, "My grandfather says after praying it's a mitzvah to have sex." So they did.

On Sunday she went out to shop for food and met a friend who asked, "Nu, so how is the new husband?"

She replied, "Well, he is no scholar; but he comes from a wonderful family."

[domineaux]

:D

http://www.koreus.com/files/200505/men-in-coats.html

[domineaux]

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up.

One is a good looking older man in his mid-sixties and the other is a
gorgeous, dark-skinned, brunette in her mid-twenties.The circus owner
tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious
lion. He ate my last tamer, so you guys better be good or you're
history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to
try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip
and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to
snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she
throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion
stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts
licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick her entire
body for several minutes, and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a
display like that in my life." He then turns to the older man and
asks, "Can you top that?"

The older man replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."

[jaguarr]

:D

http://www.koreus.com/files/200505/men-in-coats.html


LOL! I enjoyed this one!

jag

[jaguarr]

A farmer ordered a high tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first. So, he inserted is "manhood" into the equipment, turned the switch on and everything else was automatic. Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument. He read the manual but didn't find any useful information. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success. Finally, the farmer decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line. "Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?" "Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons."

[GSCampbell]

Not sure if this is already on the thread but . .

Suburban America - two housewives daily drop off their husband's at the train into the city and then pick them up at the end of the day.

One day the two are waiting on the platform when the train pulls in. Two gentelemen get off the train. One is carrying an enormous bouquet of red roses.

One woman turns to the other and say, "Damn! Would you look at that! Now I'm going to spend the rest of the week on my back with my legs in the air!"

Her friend looks puzzled, turns and says, "Why? Don't you have a vase?"

:)~

[mom24boys]

hate it when people forward bogus warnings ... but this one is real, and it's important.

If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a survey on deer ticks and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT!!

IT IS A SCAM! They only want to see you naked.

I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid now.


BTW it took me 8 pages to find the joke thread *grin*

[kimsquit]

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major big shots of Vancouver. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails.

Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman without a bikini top strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself "Wouldn't it be great if she would just come down and talk to me." He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him.

They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place. They were at her apartment, a way down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and muggy that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out.

At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no! My wife's dinner party!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of the apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all up and down the stairs.

The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the doorway wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails now crawling all over the steps, looked at his wife and then back at the snails and yelled: "Come on guys, we're almost there!"

[dahamn]

For all of you who are married, were married, wish
you were married,or wish you weren't married, this is
something to smile about the next time you open a
bottle of wine:

Sally was driving home from one of her business
trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly
Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped
the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a
ride. With a silent nod of thanks,the woman got into
the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to
make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The
old woman just sat silently, looking intently at
everything she saw, studying every little detail,
until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to
Sally.
"What's in the bag?" asked the old woman. Sally looked
down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of
wine. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or
two. Then, speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder,
she said, "Good trade."


Dave

[GameDayDog]

Hahaha.. now that one had me rollin'.. I'm gonna tell it to the band tonyght!!! ... The Deertick was funny too... hahaha...

Love, Lust, and Marriage

LOVE: When you write poems about your partner.
LUST: When all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE: When all you write is checks.

LOVE: When sex is called "making love".
LUST: When sex is called "doing it".
MARRIAGE: When you can't remember what you used to call it.

LOVE: When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST: When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE: When you lose your child in a crowded room.

LOVE: When your heart flutters every time you see them.
LUST: When your groin twitches every time you see them.
MARRIAGE: When your wallet empties every time you see them.

LOVE: When you argue over how many children to have.
LUST: When you argue over who gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE: When you argue about money.

LOVE: When you have concern for your partner's feelings.
LUST: When you have concern for your partner's test results.
MARRIAGE: When you have concern for what's on TV.

LOVE: When nobody else matters.
LUST: When nobody else knows.
MARRIAGE: When everybody else matters and you don't care who knows.

LOVE: When you like to be seen in public with your partner.
LUST: When you like to see each other naked.
MARRIAGE: When you never see each other awake.

LOVE: When you share everything you own.
LUST: When you steal everything they own.
MARRIAGE: When the bank owns everything.

LOVE: When you phone each other just to say, "Hi."
LUST: When you phone each other to pick a hotel room.
MARRIAGE: When you phone each other to bitch.

LOVE: When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
LUST: When the song on the radio determines how you do it.
MARRIAGE: When you listen to talk radio.

LOVE: When your farewell is "I love you, darling."
LUST: When your farewell is "Same time next week?"
MARRIAGE: When your farewell is "Pick up some toilet paper."

Peace..~G

[Growin Guns]

A new young monk was assigned to an abbey where the main task was hand copying old manuscripts and dispursing them worldwide to the religous faithful. Upon entering the abbey and finding his workspace, the young monk noticed that the manuscript in front of him was not an original, but was indeed an old, old copy of the original. The young monk approached the Abbott with his concerns on this issue - "Abbott" said the young monk, "would it not be wise to make each new manuscript an exact copy from the original? If one mistake has been made in the original copy, the error would be spread around the world and perpetuated indefinitely." The old Abbott thought for a moment and said "My son, I see that you bring up a good point, but I must tell you that the original copies we make our manuscripts from have been in use for hundreds of years. I seriously doubt that an error would have gone unnoticed for that amount of time. But still you have a valid point and I will check the original personally." With that the old Abbott went down into the bowels of the abbey into the locked and secretive vault where the original was kept. A few hours pass and the young monk begins to be concerned as the Abbott has not returned yet. He creeps down the stairs towards the vault and hears horrible moans and thudding noises. As he enters the vault he sees the old Abbott standing in a corner, the original manuscript flung to the floor. The old Abbott is banging his head into the hard stone wall and all the time repeating "They forgot the R, how could they miss the R?" The young monk rushed to his side and asked what was going on, to that the old Abott turned and said, "the word was supposed to be celebRate!"

[samori]

An older, white haired man walked into a ********* store one Friday evening with a stunning young girl at his side. He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.
The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special." At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweller said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it"
The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by cheque " I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweller phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had!"

[1stindoor]

Now that was funny!

[fitbyfifty]

These jokes are FUNNY!!:D

OK, here one for the guys! I guess for the girls too!!:)

Unzipping
In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus.
Dressed up for work, she was wearing a very tight mini skirt. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on the bus she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the bus' first step.

So slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again she tried to make the step onto the bus to discover she still could not make the step.

So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more. And for a second time she attempted the step and once again, much to her disgust she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.

So with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!!"

At this the Texan drawled, "Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."


I just found it,and thought it was pretty funny!:D
Brenda

[RaSP]

There were two nuns..
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.


Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical .

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical ! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL : The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM : And?

SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

Say two Hail Marys!

[GREENFEATHER]

An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his potato
garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son
Fred, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to
his son and described his predicament.

Dear Fred,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant
my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a
garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you
would dig the plot for me.
- Love Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
For heaven's sake, don't dig up that garden! That's where I buried the
BODIES.
- Love Fred

At 4 am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up
the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old
man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his
son.

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under
the circumstances.
- Love Fred

[fitbyfifty]

Those were both funny!!!!
By the way RaSP, All I can say is that I had to say two Hail Mary's.:D
Darn the way the mind works!! :)
Brenda

[GREENFEATHER]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got
their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later,
Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what
you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically
speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially
billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the
morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are
small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a
beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"

Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabe, you dumber than
buffalo ****. Someone has stolen tent."

[GREENFEATHER]

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became
friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They
discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This
went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he
noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich. He said, "Hey, how
come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?" She said "I
love it but I have to stop eating it." "Why?" he asked. She pointed to
her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down
there!" "Let me see" he said. "Okay" and she pulled up her skirt. He
looked and said, "That's right. You are! Better not eat any more
chicken." He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought
peanut butter. He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating
chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!" She
asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her. She said
"Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the neck and the
gizzards!!

[GREENFEATHER]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries
and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be
$9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the
exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A
hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the
same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until, the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and
salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says,
"That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and
places
it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact
change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me
two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for
anything,
I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money
would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress.. "Most people would wish for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you
want
for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the
exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

[mom24boys]

THINGY (thing-ee) n
Female - Any part under a car's hood.
Male - The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

VULNERABLE (ul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female - Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male - Playing football without a cup.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female - The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male - Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female - A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male - Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female - A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male - Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female - An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male - A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

MAKING LOVE (may-king-luv) n.
Female - The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male - Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht-kon-trol) n.
Female - A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male - A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

[jaguarr]

Disclaimer: This is an X-rated joke. If you are easily offended, please do not read it:
















































Yeah, I didn't think you'd leave. ;) Here it is:

Q: When is an elf not an elf?

A: When he's got his tongue up a faerie's coochie, then he's a goblin!

Bwah!

:D

jag

[mom24boys]

Why???

Why Do We Press Harder On A Remote Control When We Know The Batteries Are Getting Weak?

Why Do Banks Charge A Fee On "insufficient Funds" When They Know There Is Not Enough?

Why Does Someone Believe You When You Say There Are Four Billion Stars, But Check When You Say The Paint Is Wet?

Why Doesn't Glue Stick To The Bottle?
Why Do They Use Sterilized Needles For Death By Lethal Injection?

Why Doesn't Tarzan Have A Beard?
Why Does Superman Stop Bullets With His Chest, But Ducks When You Throw A Revolver At Him?

Why Do Kamikaze Pilots Wear Helmets?

Whose Idea Was It To Put An "s" In The Word "lisp"?

If People Evolved From Apes, Why Are There Still Apes?

Why Is It That No Matter What Color Bubble Bath You Use The Bubbles Are Always White?

Is There Ever A Day That Mattresses Are Not On Sale?

Why Do People Constantly Return To The Refrigerator With Hopes That Something New To Eat Will Have Materialized?

Why Do People Keep Running Over A String A Dozen Times With Their Vacuum Cleaner, Then Reach Down, Pick It Up, Examine It, Then Put It Down To Give The Vacuum One More Chance?

Why Is It That No Plastic Bag Will Open From The End You First Try?

How Do Those Dead Bugs Get Into Those Enclosed Light Fixtures?

When We Are In The Supermarket And Someone Rams Our Ankle With A Shopping Cart Then Apologizes For Doing So, Why Do We Say, "it's All Right?" Well, It Isn't All Right So Why Don't We Say, "that Hurt, You Stupid Idiot?"

Why Is It That Whenever You Attempt To Catch Something That's Falling Off The Table You Always Manage To Knock Something Else Over?

In Winter Why Do We Try To Keep The House As Warm As It Was In Summer When We Complained About The Heat?

How Come You Never Hear Father-in-law Jokes?

If At First You Don't Succeed, Shouldn't You Try Doing It Like Your Wife Told You To Do It?

And Obviously If At First You Don't Succeed, Then Don't Take Up Sky Diving!

And......
The Statistics On Sanity Are That One Out Of Every Four Persons Is Suffering From Some Sort Of Mental Illness. Think Of Your Three Best Friends, If They're Okay, Then It's You

[harleygirl]

Subject: Hilarious

All methods have tricked us with their promises of easy, painless removal.

The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. My night began as any other normal weekday night. Come home fix dinner, played with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: Maybe I should pull the wax out of the medicine cabinet. So I headed to the site of my demise; the bathroom.

It was one of those cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you Just rub the strips together in your hand and then they get warm and you peel them apart, press it to your leg (or wherever else) and hair comes right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean I'm no girly, girl but I am mechanically inclined enough I can figure it out.

YA THINK!!!

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. Cold wax my ass (Oh how this phrase haunts me!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. OK so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this!

Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am Sheera, fighter of all wayward body hair and smooth skin extrodinaire. With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure I apply the was strip across the right side of bikini line, covering the right half of my vagina and stretching down to the inside of my ass cheek (Yes, it was a long strip).

I inhale deeply and brace myself. RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half of the strip. ****!!! Another deep breath and
RRIIPP. Everything is swirly and spotted. Do I hear crashing drums???
OK, back to normal. I want to see my trophy - my wax covered pelt that
has caused me so much pain. I want to revel in the glory that is my
triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip but there is no hair on it. Where is
the wax??? Slowly I eased my head down, foot still perched on the toilet.
I see the hair..The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching
wax.

****!! I peel my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body that is now
covered in cold wax and matted hair and then make the next big mistake -remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet.

I know I need to move to do something. So I put my foot down and then I hear the slamming of the cell door. Vagina? Sealed shut. Ass ?? Sealed
shut. I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and
think to myself "I hope I dont get the urge to ****. My head may pop off.

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand, the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off right???

WRONG

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

Now the only thing worse that having your bussiness glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub. In scalding hot
water. Which by the way doesnt melt the cold wax.

So now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub!! I call my friend thinking surely shes waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. Its a very good conversation starter "So,my ass and cooch are stuck to the bottom of the tub!"

She doesnt have a secret trick but does try to hide the laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where is the wax on the ass "Are we talking
cheeks or hole or what?" She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her.

I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the
box YEAH Right!! I could be the joke of some one elses night. While we go through various solutions. I result in scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry shaving the sticky wax off!!

I then find the most beautiful saving grace.... that is the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. I rub some and scream "IT works!! It works!! I get a hearty congratulations from my friend and she hangs up.

I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my dismay...The hair is still there...all of it. So I shaved the **** off. Hell, I'm numb at this point. Then I put the wax back in the medicine cabinet, I may have a mustache that needs work someday..

Next week I'm going to try hair color......

[harleygirl]

bump

[A.FreeRadical]

I then find the most beautiful saving grace.... that is the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. I rub some and scream "IT works!! It works!! I get a hearty congratulations from my friend and she hangs up.

I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my dismay...The hair is still there...all of it. So I shaved the **** off. Hell, I'm numb at this point. Then I put the wax back in the medicine cabinet, I may have a mustache that needs work someday..

Next week I'm going to try hair color......

harleygirl,

hahahaha, ROFLMAO! Sorry, you had to go through that, but it was worth the telling. A funny story, well told. ( :D )

*
aA.FreeRadical a

[ChocoChick]

Ouch!!!!!

[BeLeafer]

Let me apologise to any Scots upfront. I realize how sensitive these issues can be. :)

A ventriliquist is driving throught the country.
His car breaks down in the middle of nowhere.
He gets out, pops the hood to find his fan belt busted. Goes into the trunk and finds a new one there, but no tools?
Sitting there dejected, he hears a tractor a way off. He jumps on the roof, looks across the fields and sees cows and sheep and in the distance.....a tractor pulling a wagon of hay.
Waiving his arms frantically he manages to get the farmers attention. Several moments pass, and the farmer pulls up, wagon in tow, his faithful dog running beside.
The ventriliquist explains the situation to which the farmer replys, "O'er half n' hour to the barn in back from here." Thankful for the help the ventriliquist sits to wait as the farmer leaves to get some tools, dog running along side.
Minutes pass and the ventriliquist muses on having a little fun when the farmer returns.
As true to his word the farmer returns within the hour with tools, loyal pup alongside.

The following dialogue ensues:

Ventriliquist: "Mr. Farmer ever talk to your old dog there?"

Farmer: "You must be a city boy. Had old SHEP from a pup and as far as I know dogs don't talk."

Ventriliquist: "Sure they do! Hey SHEP?? SHEP boy?" (the dog was running about, stops cold, and cocks his head upon hearing his name)

Ventriliquist: "Shep, how's life on the farm?" (ventriliquist using his talent, gets an answer)

SHEP: "IT'S GREAT! TWO MEALS, TABLE SCRAPS, LOTS OF ROOM FOR RUNNIN AND JUMPIN, FARM LIFE IS GREAT!!"

Farmer: (jaw dropped) "Had him near 8 years and he's never said a word??" (stunned silence afterward)

Ventriliquist: "Mr. Farmer? Then surely you've spoken to your cows there?" (motioning toward the fence)

Farmer: "OK, old Shep there maybe...cause I never spoke to him afore. But the cows don't talk...been raisin cows upwards a 30 years...never heard em talk...not never!"

Ventriliquist: "Sure they do?...Mrs.Cow? How's life on the farm" (cows grazing through the fence look over at the men with indifference)

COW: "MMOOOO! NOT BAD AT ALL. GOT A GREAT BIG BARN TO SLEEP IN AND FIELDS TO ROAM. WHEN I'M FULL O' MILK..THE FARMER THERE, HE MILKS ME. WISH HE'D WARM HIS HAND MORE OFTEN THOUGH, BUT, IN ALL IT'S A GOOD LIFE!!"

Farmer: (again in stunned silence) "I never???"

Ventriliquist: "Well then if not old SHEP and THE COWS, surely you've spoken with your sheep there?" (motioning across the fence toward the sheep)

Farmer: (in deadpan without missing a beat) "EVERYBODY KNOWS SHEEP LIE!!!"

[GREENFEATHER]

Subject: Hilarious

All methods have tricked us with their promises of easy, painless removal.

The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. My night began as any other normal weekday night. Come home fix dinner, played with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: Maybe I should pull the wax out of the medicine cabinet. So I headed to the site of my demise; the bathroom.

It was one of those cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you Just rub the strips together in your hand and then they get warm and you peel them apart, press it to your leg (or wherever else) and hair comes right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean I'm no girly, girl but I am mechanically inclined enough I can figure it out.

YA THINK!!!

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. Cold wax my ass (Oh how this phrase haunts me!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. OK so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this!

Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am Sheera, fighter of all wayward body hair and smooth skin extrodinaire. With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure I apply the was strip across the right side of bikini line, covering the right half of my vagina and stretching down to the inside of my ass cheek (Yes, it was a long strip).

I inhale deeply and brace myself. RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half of the strip. ****!!! Another deep breath and
RRIIPP. Everything is swirly and spotted. Do I hear crashing drums???
OK, back to normal. I want to see my trophy - my wax covered pelt that
has caused me so much pain. I want to revel in the glory that is my
triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip but there is no hair on it. Where is
the wax??? Slowly I eased my head down, foot still perched on the toilet.
I see the hair..The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching
wax.

****!! I peel my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body that is now
covered in cold wax and matted hair and then make the next big mistake -remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet.

I know I need to move to do something. So I put my foot down and then I hear the slamming of the cell door. Vagina? Sealed shut. Ass ?? Sealed
shut. I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and
think to myself "I hope I dont get the urge to ****. My head may pop off.

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand, the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off right???

WRONG

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

Now the only thing worse that having your bussiness glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub. In scalding hot
water. Which by the way doesnt melt the cold wax.

So now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub!! I call my friend thinking surely shes waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. Its a very good conversation starter "So,my ass and cooch are stuck to the bottom of the tub!"

She doesnt have a secret trick but does try to hide the laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where is the wax on the ass "Are we talking
cheeks or hole or what?" She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her.

I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the
box YEAH Right!! I could be the joke of some one elses night. While we go through various solutions. I result in scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry shaving the sticky wax off!!

I then find the most beautiful saving grace.... that is the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. I rub some and scream "IT works!! It works!! I get a hearty congratulations from my friend and she hangs up.

I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my dismay...The hair is still there...all of it. So I shaved the **** off. Hell, I'm numb at this point. Then I put the wax back in the medicine cabinet, I may have a mustache that needs work someday..

Next week I'm going to try hair color......

I needed that laugh today, sorry it was at your expense. I tried waxing M once and only once, it was her idea. When I pulled that strip of the bermuda triangle, she somehow managed to levitate while calling me every miserable low life SOB in the book. Now I shave the goods.

[harleygirl]

This didn't happen to me....at least not recently......and not quite that bad. It was an email forwarded to me and I thought it was one of the funniest things I had read in quite some time. I actually had tears rolling from the laughter. And anyone who has tried any kind of at home waxing can so relate!!!

[A.FreeRadical]

This didn't happen to me....at least not recently......and not quite that bad. It was an email forwarded to me and I thought it was one of the funniest things I had read in quite some time. I actually had tears rolling from the laughter. And anyone who has tried any kind of at home waxing can so relate!!!

Oh? I am not sure I am ever going to look at your sig and not think about your ass and other parts glued to your bathtub. :D

It is a funny story.

*
aA.FreeRadical a

[GREENFEATHER]

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out
something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.
When the time came to present what they'd found, the first
little boy the teacher called on walked up to the front of the
class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the
blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him
what it was. "It's a period," he replied. "I can see that,"
said the teacher, "but what is so exciting about a period?"
"Darned if I know," he said, "but this morning my sister was
missing one. Mommy fainted; daddy had a heart attack and the
boy next door joined the Marines."

[Be-Be]

Things are a little boring around here so I thought I would post some interesting classes for men that were emailed to me. Pass them on to every man you know. :D

NEW EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!!!

ALL ARE WELCOME

OPEN TO MEN ONLY
Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants

The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:

DAY ONE

HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation

TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

DISHES & SILVERWARE; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES? Debate among a panel of experts.

LOSS OF VIRILITY
Losing the remote control to your significant other - Help line and support groups

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming - Open forum


DAY TWO

EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN? Group discussion and role play

HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH PowerPoint presentation

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS? Driving simulation

LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER Online class and role playing

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE Bring your calendar or PDA to class

GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME Individual counselors available

[GREENFEATHER]

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her
nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says
his
name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he
knows
the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some
collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain
elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank
manager and disappears into a back office.


She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger
out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is
this?"





The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a
Rolling Stone."


(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)

[GREENFEATHER]

Don't laugh damnit my mom sent this to me!!



WHAT RELIGION IS YOUR BRA? A man went into the ladies department of a Macy's and "shyly" walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife". "What type of bra?" asked the clerk. "Type"?, inquires the man, "there's more than one type?" "Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a 'sea of bras' in every shape, size, color, and material imaginable. Actually, even with all this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from. Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied, "there are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Methodist/Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?" Now, totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them. The saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple..... The Catholic type "supports the masses" The Salvation Army type "Lifts the fallen" The Methodist/Presbyterian type "keeps them staunch and upright"...and... The Baptist type "makes mountains out of molehills"! Have you ever wondered why A,B,C,D,DD,E,F,G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!! (A) Almost boobs.... (B) Barely there... (C) Can't complain!... (D) Dang!... (DD) Double dang!.... (E) Enormous!... (F) Fake!... (G) Get a reduction!... (H) Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!... OH,...they forgot the German bra... Holtzemfromfloppen!!!

[mom24boys]

LOL @ greenfeathers




Alice was to bake a cake for the ladies' bridge group bake
sale, but she forgot to do it until the last minute.

She baked an angel food cake and when she took it from the
oven, the center had dropped flat.

She said, "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake."

So, she looked around the house for something to build up
the center of the cake.

Alice found it in the bathroom ... a roll of toilet paper.

She plunked it in and covered it with icing.

The finished product looked beautiful, so she rushed it to
the sale. Before she left the house, Alice had given her
daughter some money and specific instructions to be at
the bake sale the minute it opened, and to buy that cake
and bring it home.

When the daughter arrived at the sale, the attractive cake
had already been sold.

Alice was beside herself.

The next day, Alice was invited to a friend's home where
two tables of bridge were to be played that afternoon.

After the game, a fancy lunch was served, and to top it
off,
the cake in question was presented for dessert.

Alice saw the cake, she started to get out of her chair to
rush into the kitchen to tell her hostess all about it, but
before she could get to her feet, one of the other ladies
said, "What a beautiful cake!"

Alice sat back in her chair and almost wet herself when
she heard the hostess say ..
"Thank you, I baked it myself."

[mom24boys]

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor

peered over the fence. Even though he didn't much like the kid he was

interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he asked,

"What are you up to there, Nancy?" "My goldfish died," replied Nancy

tearfully without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor laughed and said condescendingly, "That's a really big
hole for a

goldfish, isn't it?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then
replied, "That's because he's inside your damn cat."

[mom24boys]

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear,

made of Saran Wrap.






The psychiatrist says, "Well... I can clearly see your nuts...."

[GREENFEATHER]

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her.

This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and "flipped" the woman off.

"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself.

I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.

That's 96 miles each day.

Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.

Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.

There's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.

That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to bumper, figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.

That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.

Statistically, half of these are driven by females.

That's 18,000 women drivers!

In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.

That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding.

That's 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.

That's 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.

That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons, and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Flip one off? ... I think NOT!!

[JRAM]

Jim and Fred were standing at the base of a flagpole.
A blonde woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We gotta find the height of this here flagpole," said Jim, "but we
ain't got a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a
few bolts, and laid the pole down.Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement,announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

Fred shook his head and laughed, "Ain't that just like a dum' blonde.
We ask for the height, and she gives us the length."

:cool:

[jaguarr]

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are In the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy: "$750"
Man: "Sold."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy: "$1,000"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that .. that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that crap again, you're in my closet now."

[Pappy]

What do you call a bunch of blondes standing around in a circle? A "dope" ring. What do you call a brunette standing in the middle of that circle? An intrepreter. Did you hear that the Sherrif of Sparta, Georgia just declared that the Redneck-Serial-Murder cases he has on file can not and never will be solved...Know why?...All the victums had the same DNA and there are no dental records on file. How do you know that you are a real "RedNeck"?...Your kids have permanent KoolAid stains around their lips (just like your Aunt Millie in NYC has a permanent "lipstick" stain around her lips)...All of your furniture was picked up off of the highway...You've been married to your Aunt, twice, and she is your father's sister...You've been married 10 times, and you keep all of your wedding photos in your back pocket....What do you call a "virgin" from Oklahoma?...A 19 year old with 6 kids....Well, its about 3am now, maybe I'll go lay down and see if I can get some sleep....HeHe!

[JRAM]

One day old man Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the Illinois State Fair. There is this man selling plane rides in his single prop show plane for $10 per person. Stumpy looks to Martha and says, "Martha, I think I really should try that." Martha replies, "I know you want to Stumpy, but we have a lot of bills, and you know the money is tight, and $10 is $10."
So Stumpy goes without. Over the next few years they return every year, and the same thing, Stumpy wants to ride, but Martha says no money. Finally, when Stumpy and Martha are both about 70 years old, Stumpy looks to Martha, and says, "Martha, I'm 70 now, and I don't know if I'll ever get the chance again, so I just have to have a ride in that there airplane." Martha replies in the same old fashion, and Stumpykind of slumps down. The pilot is standing near by and overhears the conversation... The pilot pipes up, "Excuse me folks, I couldn't help but hear your situation, and I have a deal for you. I'll take both of you up together, and if you can both make the entire trip without saying a word, or even making the slightest sound, I'll give the ride for free.
But if either of you make a sound, its $10 each." Well, Martha and Stumpy look at each other, and agree to take the ride. The pilot takes them up, and starts to do loop de loops, twists, dives, climbs and spins. No sound. The pilot lands the plane, looks back at Stumpy and says, "Sir, I have to hand it to ya, you didn't make even the slightest sound and that was my best stuff." Stumpy looks back at the pilot and says, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but $10 is $10!" ;)

[mom24boys]

A man and woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant.
Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps
away, suddenly noticed that the man was slowly sliding down
his chair and under the table, but the woman acted
unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his
chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman
dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled,
apparently unaware that her dining companion had
disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over
to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am,
but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "Nah, that
was George.
My husband just walked in the door at the front."

[joed]

In order to do their 'fair share' to ease the rising cost of gasoline, the president and members of congress today signed a resolution to walk or bike to work rather than being driven in limos. The resolution is to take effect within the next couple of weeks...probably before thanksgiving...for sure by christmas...unless something urgent comes up. Because there wasn't enough time, they decided not to discuss eliminating the federal gasoline tax.

On another note, the president & news media inside Air Force One, a rather large airplane, circled above the flood ravaged lands where the most recent hurricane left thousands stranded, and more thousands looting. He was filmed looking out a window & shaking his head. Although it was raining outside, he was wearing a suit & the plane appeared to be waterproof. Film at eleven.

[mom24boys]

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?


If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?


Since bread is square, then why is most sandwich meat round?



Why do you have to "put your two cents in.," but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?



Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?



Why does a round pizza come in a square box?



What disease did cured ham actually have?



How is it that we put men on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?



Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?



If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?



If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?



Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?



Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?



How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?



Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.



If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?



Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?



Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!"


Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?


Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?


When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you going to be smiling?


If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?


Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?


If the professor on Gillian's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?


Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?


Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!


What do you call male ballerinas?


Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?


If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME stuff, why didn't he just buy dinner?


If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?


If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?


Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?


Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?


Why did you just try singing the two songs above?


Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?


Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

[jtroster]

Why do you drive on the parkway and park in the driveway?

[Be-Be]

Why do you drive on the parkway and park in the driveway?
They just designated an area near my house as a park. It's all overgrown, no trails, no equipment, no tables or benches, nothing. But it does have a nice, paved 10 car parking lot with 2 handicapped parking places. I guess it is literally a "park".

[GREENFEATHER]

Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world! and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from the litter, and removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk. After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were 5 " thick and nobody could get near it. When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a strange looking animal. It was a 9 foot long Dachshund. ! Everyone felt sorry for Bush because there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Afghanistani dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage, and slowly waddled over towards Osama's dog. Osama's dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American Dachshund --- but when it got close enough to bite, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed Osama's dog in one bite. There was nothing left of his dog at all. Osama came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief, "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves." "That's nothing,", said Bush! . "We had Michael Jackson's plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a wiener dog."

[mom24boys]

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have
killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is
awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.Chinese
food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous,
and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the
germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is
the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it.
Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the
most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the
front row raised his hand, and softly said,

"Wedding Cake."

[doogieh]

Love this thread!

[mom24boys]

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.



WOMEN'S REVENGE



"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman
wished to
purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a
television
set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me,

and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him
legally."

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,

pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,

and still be afraid of a spider.


MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,

Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,

"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes
and dislikes."
He addressed the man,
"Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's
Pillsbury, isn't it?

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton
balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some
tampons for your wife?
He answers, " You see, it's like this,

yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of
cigarettes,
and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling
papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
( I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton! )


WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a
word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and

neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,

the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."



W O R D S

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use
a
day...

30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat
everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"



CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be

so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!


WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first,

and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and

you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for
my
coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible

that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament

and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed
says.........."HEBREWS"



The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving
each
other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next
day,
he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning
business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he
wrote on a
piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find
it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and
see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of
paper by
the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.



God may have created man before woman,

but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

[jtroster]

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years a go? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

"Ok," he says, "How about taking a stroll around back there and we can do it again for old time's sake?"

"Oh Buddy, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but I like the idea!"

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.

They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As he leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes.

Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed.

He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The Policeman, still watching thinks, "This was truly amazing. I've got to ask them what their secret is."

As the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence!"

[mom24boys]

NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!

HONESTY
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.

KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."

SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

[mom24boys]

Three old ladies named Gertrude, Maude, and Audrey were sitting on a park bench having a conversation, when a flasher approached from across the park.

The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them, and to their shock and dismay, opened his trench coat.

Gertrude immediately had a stroke.

Then Maude also had a stroke.

But Audrey, being older and a bit more feeble, couldn't reach that far.

[mom24boys]

The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, Texas...


Things I've learned from my Boys (honest and not kidding):

1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house
4
inches deep.

2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with
roller
blades, they can ignite.

3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded
restaurant.

4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong
enough to rotate 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman
cape.
It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on
all
four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When
using
a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before
you
get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit
by a
ceiling fan.

7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already
too
late

8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a
36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies..

10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year
old
Boy.

11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12.) Super glue is forever.

13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still
can't
walk on water.

14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15.) VCR's do not eject "PB &J" sandwiches even though TV commercials
show
they do.

16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not
like
ovens.

20.) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms
dizzy.

22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake
fluid.

[batteryrequired]

Gas prices are so bad around here these days they resorted to posting prices this way now....lmao.

[mom24boys]

funny pics :) PS dont click if you are easily offended :)

[mom24boys]

Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 92 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words what happened
the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing, on my
front porch on a warm spring evening, when a
young man comes creeping up on the porch and
sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since
my Abner died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited.
I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling really "spicy" so
I just laid down and told him "Take me, young
man. Take me!"

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fools!"
And that's when I shot him, the little bastard!

[mom24boys]

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years.

One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.

If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep
it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."

Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it ," he said. The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written.......

"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without!!!!

[batteryrequired]

A doctor stopped at the same bar every day for a hazelnut daiquiri, and the bartender always had one waiting. But on day, the bartender ran out of hazelnuts. Thinking quickly, he threw togetehr a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No", replied the bartender, "It's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

[mom24boys]

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
"Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the rest-room but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
"Doin' just fine!"

And the other person says:
"So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
"Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
"Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them ,
"No.......I'm a little busy right now!!!"
Then I hear the person say nervously... "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!!!"

[JTrain306]

24.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake
fluid.

Hahaha, as I was reading through this list, I thought to myself, "Hmmm... I wonder if Clorox and brake fluid actually makes smoke? Maybe I'll try it...." :D

[batteryrequired]

One of the women at our office heard this song on the radio this morning...

http://www.audiocomedy.net/songs/dirtydeeds.shtml

[MiamiSpartan]

A man was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important
meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up toward heaven, he said "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a
parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and
give up booze."
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

He looked up again and said "Never mind. I found one."

[GREENFEATHER]

Did you hear Ashton Kutcher got rid of his Playstation after he married Demi Moore? Yup, now he's got Bruce Willis' X-box to play with.

[joed]

An unhappily married man was talking to a bachelor who just became engaged. "Yeah, two can eat as cheaply as one...if one don't eat."

[GREENFEATHER]

Q: Do you know what Saddam Hussein and panty hose have in common?



















A: They both irritate Bush.

[mom24boys]

Here's a one question IQ Test to help you decide how you should
spend the rest of your day......

There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself? Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer...



































He opens his mouth and says. "I would like to buy a pair of sunglasses"

If you got this wrong - please pack up your things, turn off your
computer and call it a day. :)---

[joed]

My wife forwarded this one to me:

Finally, the guys' side of the story.
(I must admit, it's pretty good.)

The Battle Of The Sexes (Chapter 725,980,193,462,064)
We always hear "the rules" from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note...these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months! is a problem.
See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh!
------ End of Forwarded Message

[mom24boys]

These are the top 17 bumper

stickers that everyone wants to see...

Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you are an ass.

Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings,"

The proctologist called ... they found your head.

Everyone has a photographic memory
...some just don't have any film.

Save your breath..You'll need it to blow up your date.

Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.

I used to have a handle on life...but it broke off.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

Guys...just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.

Some people just don't know how to drive...
I call these people "Everybody But Me,"

Heart Attacks...God's revenge for eating His animal friends.

Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.

If you can read this..I can slam on my brakes and sue you.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and fragile to be out by itself.

Hang up and drive!!

And The Number One Bumper Sticker you'd Like To See!!

Welcome to America ... now speak English

[catman2005]

Joed,

that is soooo true,, great, I love it.. thanks for sharing

[Be-Be]

This is fun, I think I will just change my name to this forever. How can people get upset with you if you have a name like this. They should automatically break out in laughter. We all need a little stress-reliever today! This only takes a minute. Please don't be a bore and ruin it. Send it on to everyone you know including the person that sent it to you. Sometimes when you have a stressful day or week, you need some silliness to break up the day. And, if we are honest, we have a lot more stressful days than not.


Here is your dose of humor :

A. Follow the instructions to find your new name.

B. Once you have your new name, put it in the subject box and forward it to friends and family and co-workers.

And don't go all adult - a senior manager is now known far and wide as Dorky Gizzardsniffer.

The following is excerped from a children's book, "Captain Underpants And the Perilous Plot Professor Poopypants" by Dave Pilkey, in which the evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names...

1. Use the third letter of your first name to determine your new first
name:
a = snickle
b = doombah
c = goober
d = cheesey
e = crusty
f = greasy
g = dumbo
h = farcus
i = dorky
j = doofus
k = funky
l = boobie
m = sleezy
n = sloopy
o = fluffy
p = stinky
q = slimy
r = dorfus
s = snooty
t = tootsie
u = dipsy
v = sneezy
w = liver
x = skippy
y = dinky
z = zippy

2. Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half
of your new last name:
a = dippin
b = feather
c = batty
d = burger
e = chicken
f = barffy
g = lizard
h = waffle
i = farkle
j = monkey
k = flippin
l = fricken
m = bubble
n = rhino
o = potty
p = hamster
q = buckle
r = gizzard
s = lickin
t = snickle
u = chuckle
v = pickle
w = hubble
x = dingle
y = gorilla
z = girdle

3. Use the third letter of your last name to determine the second half
of your new last name:
a = butt
b = boob
c = face
d = nose
e = hump
f = breath
g = pants
h = shorts
i = lips
j = honker
k = head
l = tush
m = chunks
n = dunkin
o = brains
p = biscuits
q = toes
r = doodle
s = fanny
t = sniffer
u = sprinkles
v = frack
w = squirt
x = humperdinck
y = hiney
z = juice

Thus, for example, George W. Bush's new name is Fluffy Chucklefanny.

And remember that children laugh an average of 146 times a day;
Adults laugh an average of 4 times a day. Put more laughter in your day

[GREENFEATHER]

Just make sure if you open this at work, you're in a room by yourself. Because your co workers are going to look at you like you've lost your mind when they hear you laughing!! :D


http://media.putfile.com/Movie1812

[mom24boys]

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.'

I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age, and call it "Pumping Rust."

I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

I know, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!"

Employment application blanks always ask 'who is to be notified in case of an emergency.' I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do -- write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail? Or better yet, arrest them while they are taking their pictures!

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals. As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve

[Hibiscus09]

This isn't a joke -- or wasn't meant to be -- but funny. :D

CLASS PROJECT GONE WRONG

An elementary school class started a class project to make planters to take
home to their parents.

They wanted to have a plant in it that was easy to take care of, so they
decided to use cactus plants.

The students were given green-ware pottery planters in the shape of clowns
which they painted with glaze.

The clown planters were professionally fired at a class outing so they
could see the process.

It was great fun!

They planted cactus seeds in the finished planters and they grew nicely,
but unfortunately, the children were not allowed to take them home.

The cactus plants were removed and small ivy replaced them and the children
were then allowed to take them home instead.

The teacher said cactus seemed like a good idea at the time!

[mom24boys]

boarded my flight and took my seat. As I settled in, I glanced up and saw a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.

I soon realized she was heading straight towards my aile. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside me.

Eager to strike up a conversation, I asked "Business or pleasure?"

She turned toward me, smiled and said "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago."

I thought wow. Here is one of the most gorgeous women I have ever seen sitting right next to me and she was going to a meeting of
nymphomaniacs.

I had to think of something to say to keep the conversation going and so I asked, "Whats your business role at this Convention?"

"Lecturer," she replied. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality"

"Really" I said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

She went about telling me some of her findings and the most interesting ones that I can remember was she said "One popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait". Then she said "Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent who are the best". She went on to say "I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

She then suddenly became a little uncomfortable and kind of blushed. She told me that she shouldn't really be discussing all of this with me. And that she didn't even know my name!

I paused for a moment and blurted out "Tonto", I said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends from back home call me Bubba"

[GREENFEATHER]

Don't believe that myth about the Indians either, I only got 8 out of 10 in that one, I was robbed!! :D

[Pappy]

Q. What does a near-sighted gynecologist have in common, with a puppy?
A. They both have wet noses.
*****
A Rabbi retires and goes to a taxadirmist, and throws a bag full of foreskins on the counter, telling the taxadirmist that he has just retired, plans on spending the rest of his life on "vacation" and asks that the taxadirmist should make him something special with the foreskins, and that he will be back in 10 days to pick it up. 10 days later, the Rabbi comes into the shop, asks the taxadirmist what he has made for him, and the taxadirmist hands him a very nice change purse. The Rabbi is outraged and starts screaming at the man, "I gave you a whole bag of foreskins, and all you can make for me is a change purse?" The taxadirmist looks at the Rabbi and says, "Rub it! It turns into luggage!"
*****
True story. When my son was 4 or 5 years old, he wanted to learn how to play checkers. I never let him win a game, and my wife was always pissed at me because of it. I told her, the reason why I did not let him ever win, was because I wanted him to learn about strategy, and to think with his mind in a positive way. On Sunday, my dad calls the house, and my son answered the phone. The conversation went something like this, "Hey, Mike? This is Grandpa. How are you doing?" "Grandpa! Daddy beats me, everyday!"
*****
Another true one: When my niece was 10 or 11 years old, she confided in me that her dad was always embarressing her in public, and yelling at her to do things (you know, hold mom's hand, stop fooling around, etc.) So I told her, "Do you want to know how to make your dad stop doing those things?" "Just yell back at him and say, "OK, I'll do it, just don't beat me, anymore!" That is not the only uncle-advice I have given to my brother's children during their lives. Do you think that is why their mom would never let me be alone with them, much? HeHe!
*****
Another true one: I grew up on a farm in the 1950's, and remember when we got a real telephone that rang without an operator calling you to tell you you had a call, and when we got our first television, that only had Soupy Sales, the News, and Monday night boxing on it. The ladies on the farm, my aunts and grandmother, always did the chores that were considered "women's" work, and yes, we had a wringer washing machine. Usually, one of the girls would do the wash part of it, and another would do the first rinse, and another would do the second, or last, rinse, then they all would hang the clothes on the line. One day, my grandmother was doing the wash. (She was about 4'11" tall and weighed about 80 lbs., and had the morality of a preacher's wife). That is, until she got her tit stuck in the wringer. I was about 8 years old, and was playing, at the time, with my sisters and female cousins, and we all saw out of the corner of our eye, poor old grandma with her blouse stuck in the wringer, and her jumping up and down like granny on the Beverly Hillbillies, and cussing something horrible, more so than my Uncle Joe whenever he hit his thumb with a hammer, whenever he thought he was alone in the barn working. Anyway, the girls that I were playing with just stopped and stared in disbelief (I think this is part of female-boot-camp, or something, or maybe mental telepathy, because they seemed to know "exactly" what had happened to grandma, but, I did not. My dad came running out of the house and dislodged his mother's shirt that got stuck in the wringer, and then held his mom close with his arms around her. I felt really bad for her and asked her, "Grandma, you got a boo-boo that I can kiss and make feel better?" My dad fell on to the ground and laughed so hard that he turned purple. I ran into the house scared to find my grandpa at the kitchen window with tears in his eyes, and poor old grandma did not speak to me for 3 months. As I got older, the men in the family spoke about that day with great fondness, and I said, "Oh, yeah, you guys might think it was so funny. Grandma didn't speak to me for a whole 3 months!" My Grandpa says, "Maybe you should'nt have asked her if you could kiss her boo-boo!"
*****
I got busted for DUI, and the cop said he would let me go if I could jump over that barbed wire fence and back, without hurting myself. I jumped over the fence and a bull charged me. I grabbed the bull by the horns and rammed his head into the ground, then I jumped back over the fence. The cops grabs me and says, "What did you do that for?" I told him, "That guy tried to run me over with his bicycle!"
*****
When I got to court, the judge asked, "Were you driving drunk?" I said, "Hell, yes, your honor. You don't think I'm one of those reckless drivers, do you?"
*****
My maiden aunt calls 911 and tells the dispatcher a man is indecently exposing himself to her, and that it is happening, right now! A cop shows up at her door and wants to know where this is happening. She takes him into the kitchen and points out the window and says, "Look! Right there!" The cop looks out the window, and next door, he sees a man, apparently naked from the waist up, appearing to be shaving or brushing his teeth, through the man's bathroom window. The cop tells my aunt, "Look, lady, that man is not indecently exposing himself to you. He's only brushing his teeth or shaving!" My aunt kicks over a stool and gives him a pair of binoculars, and says, "Get up on that stool and use these, so you can get a more better look at him!"
*****
We both got out of jail at the same time! HeHe! Just kidding!

[GREENFEATHER]

A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their life.

The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "Paw, What's 'at?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a
gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.

[batteryrequired]

Five black men in purple dinner jackets and bow ties
were found floating today under a pier in New
Orleans. DNA tests later identified them as The
Drifters. Rumor has it they were under the boardwalk,
down by the sea.

[batteryrequired]

Two plane loads of volunteers left Detroit Michigan
today bound for New Orleans.......



to assist with the looting.

(this is where I wish we could put a drum beat in here....bada bump)

[jtroster]

;)

[JTrain306]

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?"

I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....

[JRAM]

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by Sheriffs Deputy, he thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he has a better education.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputies
expense....

Deputy says, "License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What for?"

Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign "

Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and
registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop,
that's the law. License and registration, please!

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down
and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you
give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket."

Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir." At this point, the deputy takes out his
nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of
the lawyer and says: "Do you want me to stop or just slow
down?"

[domineaux]

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by Sheriffs Deputy, he thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he has a better education.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputies
expense....

Deputy says, "License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What for?"

Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign "

Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and
registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop,
that's the law. License and registration, please!

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down
and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you
give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket."

Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir." At this point, the deputy takes out his
nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of
the lawyer and says: "Do you want me to stop or just slow
down?"

Oh! for the fun that deputy is having...that's what I call having a good nice day

[JRAM]

Maude and Claude, both 91, lived in a retirement community. They met in
the social center and discovered over time that they enjoyed each
other's company. After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude
asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted.

They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in
town. Despite his age, Claude was still a charmer. Afterward, Claude
asked Maude to join him at his place for an after-dinner drink.

Things continued along a natural course with age being no inhibitor.
Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay. As they
were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was
lost for a time in their own thoughts.

Claude was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been gentler."

Maude was thinking: "If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken
off my pantyhose..."

:cool:

[BIGDAWGZ28]

how do you make a hormone?

hit her in the head with a brick!! get it whore moan

[domineaux]

Check out this eye test- adjust it to full screen to really get a good view.

http://home.mn.rr.com/t1camp1/Focus.swf

[Fuelish]

A priest, a rabbi, a nun, a Polish guy, an Italian guy, a gay guy, a lesbian all walk into a bar, and the bartender says....."What is this, some kind of a joke ???!!!???"


;););) Sorry, I like stupid jokes.



A toothless termite walks into a bar and says "Is the bar tender here ???"

:):):)

[Be-Be]

This has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed. It appeared in "The Atlanta Journal."

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy. I'll be waiting...



Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week old black Labrador Retriever. (Men are so easy!)

[mom24boys]

Jeff Foxworthy's Indiana

>If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March, you might
>live in Indiana.
>
>If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his
>forehead, you might live in Indiana.
>
>If you have ever worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you might live
>in
>Indiana.
>
>If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might live in
>Indiana.
>
>YOU KNOW YOU ARE TRULY FROM INDIANA WHEN:
>
>1. Vacation means going north or south on I-65 for the weekend.
>
>2. You measure distance in hours.
>
>3. You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.
>
>4. You often switch from heat to AC in the same day and back again.
>
>5. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard,
>without flinching.
>
>6. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use
>them.
>
>7. You design your kids Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
>
>8. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with
>snow.
>
>9. You know all 5 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, road
>construction, and It's Hot.
>
>10. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your
>blue spruce.
>
>11. Down south means Missouri to you.
>
>12. A brat is something you eat.
>
>13. You go out to a tailgate party every Friday.
>
>14. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
>
>15 You find 0 degrees a "little chilly".
>
>16. You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all your
>Indiana friends. (What's not to understand???)
>

[GimpyPaw]

Did you hear about the gay bear who walked into a saloon and laid his paw on the bar?

[GREENFEATHER]

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get to the cabin, the guy goes out to chop some wood to start the fireplace. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!" To that she replies "Well, come here and I'll warm them between my legs." He goes out a couple of more times and does the same thing. After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night. When he returns, he again says, "Honey, my hands are really freezing!" She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?" :D
__________________

I got that one from AM.

[mom24boys]

What Starts with F and ends with K


A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the
3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he
would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."


Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop
the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Fire truck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put
Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......"

[Mark1T]

mom24,

That was just too funny. The visual was hilarious.

:D



What Starts with F and ends with K


A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the
3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he
would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."


Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop
the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Fire truck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put
Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......"

[Be-Be]

Sad to say, but I think most 3rd graders and definitely most 5th graders would have gotten those wrong. :(

[mom24boys]

GO GET YOUR MAMMIES GRAMMED

For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them.
And give them monthly tests.


So I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
And I always wore my bra.


After 30 years of astute care,
My gyno, Dr Pruitt,
Said I should get a Mammogram
"OK," I said, "let's do it."


"Stand up here real close" she said,
(She got my boob in line),
"And tell me when it hurts," she said,
"Ah yes! Right there, that's fine."


She stepped upon a pedal,
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate came slamming down,
My hooters in a vise!


My skin was stretched a nd mangled,
From underneath my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed,
To Swedish Pancake thin.


Excruciating pain I felt,
Within it's viselike grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless tit!


"Take a deep breath," she said to me,
Who does she think she's kidding?!?
My chest is mashed in her machine,
And woozy I am getting.


"There, that's good," I heard her say,
(The room was slowly swaying.)
"Now, let's have a go at the other one."
Have mercy, I was praying.


It squeezed me from both up and down,
It squeezed me from both sides.
I'll bet SHE'S never had this done,
To HER tender little hide.


Next time that they make me do this,
I will request a blindfold
I have no wish to see again,
My knockers getting steam rolled.


If I had no problem when I came in,
I sur ely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have gone "ker-pow!"


This machine was created by a man,
Of this, I have no doubt.

I'd like to stick their balls in there,

And see how they come out!!

[mom24boys]

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, "7 points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What the world was that?" The old man replied, "Fart football."

A few minutes later, his wife lets one go and says, " Touchdown - tied score."

After about five minutes, the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7."

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, " Touchdown - Tie Score."

Five seconds go by and the wife lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field Goal"; I lead 17 to 14."

Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got and accidentally poops in the bed.

The wife says, "What the hell was that?"

The old man replies," Half time... switch sides

[mom24boys]

Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a
little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the
newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked "What do
you have under the newspaper, mister?"

"A bird," the guy replied. The little girl walked
away and the guy fell asleep.

When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the
Police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "I don't know. I was
lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the next
thing I know is I'm here."

Police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her "What did
you do to that naked fellow?"

After a little pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing
with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs,
and set its nest on fire."

[Be-Be]

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a room with or without a view?"

[mom24boys]

'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!

I've busted my fanny for damn near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?
The MRS. just bitches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those BLASTED IDIOTS from the IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes--if that isn't SOOO funny!!!!
'Cause Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus money?

And the kids these days--most all are the pits
They want the impossible--Those mean little ****s
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made trucks and tons of yo yo's--No request for them,
They want computers and robots...they think - I'm ***!

Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat arse and draw unemployment.

There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found my "thong"! I'm going SOUTH for the season!

[mom24boys]

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder
about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all
been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How
about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these
questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you! .

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 127%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work
and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's
the Bull**** and Ass kissing that will put you over the top!

[mom24boys]

(According to Reader's Digest)




A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate
to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended
her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat
and flashed her.

Without missing a beat....she said, "Sir, I need to
see your ticket not your stub."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~

A cop who had been stationed at an intersection for
awhile got out of his car and the kid who was stopped
for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been
waiting for you all day," the cop said.

The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I
could."

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the
kid on his way without a ticket.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
AND NOW ........THE #1 SMART ASS ANSWER OF
THE YEAR 2005....

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's
final exam.

"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not
being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack
or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in
your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses
whatsoever!"

A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his
hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I
said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual
exhaustion?"

The entire class is reduced to laughter and
snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher
smiles at the student, shakes her head and
sweetly says,

"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your
other hand."

[Be-Be]

Just days before Christmas, Santa Claus and his elves are hard at work building toys. When the endless hours begin to take their toll, Santa retires to his bedroom for a nap. Just as his eyes close, a hard knock at the door rattles him from his slumber. He pulls a pillow over his head, but the knock continues, louder and louder. Furious, Santa stomps to the door and throws it open, only to find an angel holding a Christmas tree. "What do you want?" Santa erupts. "Santa, I'm your Christmas angel, and I brought you your Christmas tree. Where do you want me to put it?" And that is why we put angels on top of Christmas trees.

[Dallas68]

Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a
little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the
newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked "What do
you have under the newspaper, mister?"

"A bird," the guy replied. The little girl walked
away and the guy fell asleep.

When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the
Police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "I don't know. I was
lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the next
thing I know is I'm here."

Police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her "What did
you do to that naked fellow?"

After a little pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing
with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs,
and set its nest on fire."


OUCH!!

that hurt me owwww damn its hard to read that joke hahahaha

[mom24boys]

1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked..... And now, the honorable mentions:



2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.



3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.



4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.



5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.



6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, he man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)



7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.



8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."



9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.



******A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER*****



10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

[GREENFEATHER]

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So.... you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".
Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God."
The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."

[domineaux]

The heaviest substance known to man:

Fruit cake

[mom24boys]

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me".

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you."

[GREENFEATHER]

http://www.toonedin.com/movies/WhiteTrashXmas.html

[joed]

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental $100.

Chocolate is just another snack. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Wrinkles add character. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation
requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides
your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 30 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

[joed]

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she ran, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

[Dallas68]

^^ good one man^^

What do you call a man with no arms or legs swimming in the english channel?

















































Clever dick :D

if it offends you im sorry

[GimpyPaw]

LOL, that reminded me of this one...

An all womens race was formed to see who could swim the entire width of the English Channel using only the breast stroke. Over 100 contestants started the race. One by one fatigue or cold eliminated swimmers and the rescue boat was nearly full. Eventually there were only 3 women left in the water, which just happened to be a blonde, a red-head, and a brunett.

After some time the brunett and the red-head were in a close race and gave their all in a sprint to the finish. Race officials were happy they completed the race, but began to have concern when an hour later the blonde had not even come into view. Another hour passed, and then another. Finally, 3 1/2 hours later, the blonde struggled to the shore exhasted.

Race officials congradulated her on her determination to finish, but informed her that she was far from the time of the other two. "I don't want to sound like a sore looser" she replied, "but I think those other girls where using their arms."

[Samoangirl]

3 men (an italian, a german and a samoan)

they're at the immigration office getting ready to take the test to receive their citizenship into the U.S.

they're told that they only need to answer one question, "Who's the president of the United States?"

they go into the restroom together and the Italian takes his underwear off and writes the answer on it.

so the Italian gets up there and he says...George W. Bush (imagine an italian New Yorka accent)

they say congrats here ya go....and he passes the undies on to the German..he gives the same answer except in his German accent...congrats here ya go..yada yada yada

he passes it on to the the Samoan...he's asked "Who's the president of the United States?" and the samoan looks at the underwear, a little puzzled, tilts his head and answers out gleefully!..

Floot of da looom!

yeah yeah i know it's a samoan joke...it sounds better when you actually hear it....no offense to any Germans or Italians! :-)

[Samoangirl]

If so, here's the first one...
----------------------------------------------------------------------



cool thread!!

[jocularric]

Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used work boots - a really
big pair.

Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of Guns and Ammo magazine.

Put a dog dish beside it - a really BIG dog dish.

Leave a note on your front door that says something like "Bubba, big Mike
and I have gone to get more ammunition - back in an hour.
Don't disturb the Pit Bulls, they've just been wormed."

[phikappa]

An oldie put to flash. Enjoy!


http://www.flashfunpages.com/couple.swf

[Be-Be]

My dear friends,

As the holidays approach, my heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.
Extra thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes cause I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope.

Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from nor send packages by UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul because at last count I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time)

I no longer have any money at all - but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special email program.

Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favor!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7 minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM (CDT) this afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next-door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

Sincerely,

Your E-Mail Buddy

[GREENFEATHER]

A Ranger Company was operating in Baghdad when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was a young Ranger in similar but less serious state. The Ranger was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Ranger what had happened.

The Ranger reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. "I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein is a miserable, lowlife, scumbag, and he yelled back that Senator Ted Kennedy is a good-for-nothing, fat, left wing liberal drunk.

So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean spirited woman!" He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well so does Hillary Clinton!" "And, there we were, standing in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."

[Bulls-eye]

There is one in the "Misc" forum

[domineaux]

A farmer named Clyde was involved in a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.
Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" asked the lawyer. Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the...
I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?
Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road…"The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was just fine.
Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client.
I believe he is a fraud.
Please tell him to simply answer the question, 'yes' or 'no.'"
By this time, the judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie.
Clyde thanked the judge and proceeded."Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway, when this huge semi-truck tractor-trailer ran a stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.
I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into another.""I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning.
I knew she was in terrible shape just by her moans."
Right after the accident, a highway patrolman came on the scene.
The highway patrolman heard Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her.
After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the highway patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'
I nervously and instantly replied, "I'm fine- I'm fine"!

[joed]

Airline cabin announcements you may have heard before but are still funny.

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.

4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"

5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came o! ver the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa.. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urg! e to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentle! men, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine."


" Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind." Dr. Seuss

[batteryrequired]

Three guys -- a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden, and an American engineer are working together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops
out of it. "I will give each of you one wish, " says the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will
also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." Pooooof!
With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever made
fertile for farming.

Osama bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan,
Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our
precious state." Pooooof! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The American engineer says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about
this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 500 feet high, 5000 feet
thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out -- it's virtually impenetrable."

The American engineer says, "Fill it with water."

[batteryrequired]

This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but
there are more Catholic churches there than casinos. Not surprisingly, some
worshippers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when
the basket is passed.

Since they get chips from so many different casinos, the churches have
devised a method to collect the offerings. The churches send all their
collected chips to a nearby Franciscan Monastery for sorting and then the
chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.

This is done by the chip monks.

Didn't see it comin' did ya?!?! :D

[samori]

A guy goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde wave at
Him and so he says "Hello".

He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her
from, so he asks "Do you know me?" To which she replies "I think you're the
father of one of my kids".

Now he thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to
His wife and says, "My god, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that
I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner
Whipped me with wet celery?"

"No", she says, "I'm your son's Math teacher

[Baldsnake]

These are great. Hey Feather, I will use your joke and save it in my HILLARY HAPPENS (R) file.

[Tiny Tim]

Guy comes home and finds his wife packing.

"Where are you going?", he says.

"I'm moving to Vegas," she says. "I just found out that I can get $250 for what I give you for free!"

He starts packing too.

She says, "Where are you going?"

"Vegas," he says. "I want to see how you'll live off of $500 a year!"


Now, THAT is truly a Great joke! :D


Tim

[phikappa]

A guy goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde wave at
Him and so he says "Hello".

He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her
from, so he asks "Do you know me?" To which she replies "I think you're the
father of one of my kids".

Now he thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to
His wife and says, "My god, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that
I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner
Whipped me with wet celery?"

"No", she says, "I'm your son's Math teacher

That was funny!

[Gunn27]

When I finally retired, I could hardly wait to spend time enjoying my favourite pastime -- trout fishing. I got my own little fishing boat and tried to get my wife to join me, but she just never liked fishing.
Finally, one day at the Bait & Tackle Shop, I got to talking to Sam the shop owner who it turned out loves trout fishing as much as I do. We quickly became fishing buddies. As I said the wife doesn't care about fishing; she not only refuses to join us she always complains that I spend too much time fishing.

A few weeks ago Sam and I had the best fishing trip ever. Not only did I catch the most beautiful trout you've ever seen, only a few minutes later Sam must have caught his twin brother! So I took a picture of Sam holding up the two nice trout that we caught and showed the picture to the wife hoping that maybe she'd get interested. Instead she says she doesn't want me to go fishing at all anymore! And she wants me to sell the boat!

I think she just doesn't like to see me enjoying myself.

What would you do? Tell the wife to forget it and continue my hobby or quit fishing and sell the boat as she insists?

Thanks,

A Fisherman

PS I have enclosed the picture of Sam showing off the trout we caught.

[domineaux]

When I finally retired, I could hardly wait to spend time enjoying my favourite pastime -- trout fishing. I got my own little fishing boat and tried to get my wife to join me, but she just never liked fishing.
Finally, one day at the Bait & Tackle Shop, I got to talking to Sam the shop owner who it turned out loves trout fishing as much as I do. We quickly became fishing buddies. As I said the wife doesn't care about fishing; she not only refuses to join us she always complains that I spend too much time fishing.

A few weeks ago Sam and I had the best fishing trip ever. Not only did I catch the most beautiful trout you've ever seen, only a few minutes later Sam must have caught his twin brother! So I took a picture of Sam holding up the two nice trout that we caught and showed the picture to the wife hoping that maybe she'd get interested. Instead she says she doesn't want me to go fishing at all anymore! And she wants me to sell the boat!

I think she just doesn't like to see me enjoying myself.

What would you do? Tell the wife to forget it and continue my hobby or quit fishing and sell the boat as she insists?

Thanks,

A Fisherman

PS I have enclosed the picture of Sam showing off the trout we caught.

Those are LARGE mouth bass...not perky lil trout

[Dengel]

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer asks her some questions:
Officer: What's 2 + 2?
Blonde: Ummm... 4!
Officer: What's the square root of 100?
Blonde: Ummm... 10!
Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?
Blonde: Ummm... I dunno.
Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.
The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job.
The blonde replies excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!"

[bassing68]

If so, here's the first one...
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Why I fired my secretary!

Two weeks ago was my birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday," and probably have a present for me.

She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone any "Happy Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's my wife for you - maybe the children will remember. " The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.

When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Lizzy, said, "Good morning, boss. Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better; hey - someone remembered. I worked until noon. Then, Lizzy knocked on my door and said "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go."

We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out to the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment she said, 'Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable. "Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday, lalalaalaaah.............

And there I sat...on the couch waiting...naked as the day I was born.......... :D


Do you know the 3 types of orgasim a woman has?

1. The acceptance orgasim where she yells, "YES! YES!"
2. The religious orgasim where she yells, "Oh, God, Oh God!"
3. Then there is the fake orgasim where she yells, " Oh Mark!"

Ha ha

[bassing68]

When I finally retired, I could hardly wait to spend time enjoying my favourite pastime -- trout fishing. I got my own little fishing boat and tried to get my wife to join me, but she just never liked fishing.
Finally, one day at the Bait & Tackle Shop, I got to talking to Sam the shop owner who it turned out loves trout fishing as much as I do. We quickly became fishing buddies. As I said the wife doesn't care about fishing; she not only refuses to join us she always complains that I spend too much time fishing.

A few weeks ago Sam and I had the best fishing trip ever. Not only did I catch the most beautiful trout you've ever seen, only a few minutes later Sam must have caught his twin brother! So I took a picture of Sam holding up the two nice trout that we caught and showed the picture to the wife hoping that maybe she'd get interested. Instead she says she doesn't want me to go fishing at all anymore! And she wants me to sell the boat!

I think she just doesn't like to see me enjoying myself.

What would you do? Tell the wife to forget it and continue my hobby or quit fishing and sell the boat as she insists?

Thanks,

A Fisherman

PS I have enclosed the picture of Sam showing off the trout we caught.

DAMN! By my handle bassing68 it is pretty clear my past time of bass fishing, I am impressed by not only that good catch....
THOSE TITS!!!! Damn!!!! I'd get lock jaw on those bad girls.

[GREENFEATHER]

A koala is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks
past and looks up and says to the koala "Hey! What are you doing?"
The koala says "Smoking a joint, come up and have some." So the little
lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints.
After a while the little lizard says his mouth is dry and is going to
get a drink from the river.
The little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into
the river. A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and
helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard,
"What's the matter with you?" The little lizard explains to the
crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the
tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain
forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and
he looks up and says - "Hey you!"
The koala looks down and says:
"Faaaaarrrrk dude.......how much water did you drink?!!"

That one is courtesy of chimponarope over at ckd.com.

[GREENFEATHER]

There was once a Montana Sheep Farmer who needed help with His farm.
Especially, the difficult task of castrating some of His inferior male Sheep to keep them from breeding with the Females. He hired a Frenchman who didn't speak much English, but was a very good worker.After the first day, they had successfully castrated 14 sheep and His French Worker was just about to throw away the severed, "parts", when the Sheep Farmer yelled, "No!" "Don't throw those away!" "My Wife fries them up and We eat them,they're delicious, and We call them 'Sheep Fries."Later that day, the French hired hand came in for supper and, indeed, He thought that the "Sheep Fries" were very tasty. The next day, they castrated 16 Sheeps, and that evening they all settled down to another supper of "Sheep Fries".
On the third day, however, when the Sheep Farmer came in for supper, He asked His Wife where the French hired hand was."You know, it's the weirdest thing," She said. "I told Him that since there weren't that many 'Sheep Fries' this evening, We were also going to have French Fries, and He ran like Hell!"

From my psychotic brothers at misfitoffroad.com!

[GREENFEATHER]

Since I have already offended the French, might as well go on to the Scots, lol!!

A scottish man walks into a scottish bar and the old scottish lady bar tender asks "Are ya thlristy?" The man replys "Vy yes I am..... Anheizerbusch!" The old lady bartender replys "Vy just fine. And heiz yer penis!??"

Another one from the misfits,lol!

[GimpyPaw]

Let's keep insulting the Irish, it's fun ;)

Besides, it torques my wife off something terrible. Could be all that Irish blood in her, but I think it's because she's crazy.

So this Irish man immigrates to America and settles in Texas. Work is hard to find and so he takes a job on a cattle ranch. After the first day he is very tired and gladly retires to the bunk house with the other ranch hands. The head foreman comes in and starts asking the cowboys how the day went.

"So how did it go out there today Ted?" he asks the first cowhand.

"Ahh, ya know. I was just out the screwin' the pooch."

"Yea, some days it's like that," the Foreman replies, "How about you Rex?"

Rex too replies "Pretty much spent the day screwin' the pooch too."

The foreman chuckles, and then asks the Irish man, "So, how was your first day?"

The Irish spoke frankly. "The day was hot, sweaty, and I'm not sure if I got much done, but I worked hard. One thing though, I never knew Americans were so open about their personal lives. I mean, I had an affair with a goat once, but I never thought to brag about it to my boss."

[KALIMAN91]

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NHL 4.3, MLB 3.0, NBA 3.6, XBOX Live and NASCAR 4.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate

---

Dear Desperate:

First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Try to enter the command: C:/ITHOUGHTYOULOVEDME" to download Tears 6.2, which should automatically install Guilt 3.0. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

Remember, though, that overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly 10.8.

Whatever you do: DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,
Tech Support

[joed]

BRAIN CRAMPS

(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and Why?


Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not
live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever,
then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever,
which is why I would not live forever,"


--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest


``````````````````````````````````

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids
all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love
to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and
death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey


````````````

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very
important part of your life,"
--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become
Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign .


`````````````````````````````````````````````````


"I've never had major knee surgery on any other partof my body,"
--Winston Bennett,
University of Kentucky basketball forward


`````````````````````````````````````````````


"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the
lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC

`````````````````````````````


"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through
our papers. We are the president."
--Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of
subpoenaed documents.


`````````````````````````````````````````````````` ``

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death
by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in Texas

````````````````````````````

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

``````````````````````````````````

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's
the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
--Al Gore, Vice President

```````````````````


"I love California I practically grew up in Phoenix "



--Dan Quayle
``````````

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much
clean air do we need?" --Lee Iacocca
```````````

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A
genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." -
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

````````````````````````````````````````````


"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude
certain types of people."
--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor .


`````````````````````````````````

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
--Bill Clinton, President

``````````````````

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that
may or may not occur."
--Al Gore, VP

````````````````


"Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come
from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery

````````````````

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective
March 1992 because we received notice that
you passed away. May God bless you. You may
reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina


````````````````````````````````````````````


"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack
in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their
heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when
they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,
Feeling smarter yet?

[Be-Be]

LOU COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM BUD ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping?You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START".............

[mom24boys]

POTATO PROSTITUTES

Two little potatoes are standing on the street corner. One is a prostitute.

How can you tell which one is the prostitute?

Hold on......


You're gonna love it...


It's the one with the little sticker that says...














I - DA - HO

[phikappa]

NEW RULES for 2006 (George Carlin)

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for
classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years.
Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know
what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you
out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked
that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less
than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have
sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a
better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still
collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are
keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man , they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's
how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay,
we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water.
There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without
that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink.
You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt.
That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is
introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger
label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures
out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations,
Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order,
the bigger the ass hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf
grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot,
gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one
NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge ass hole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look
up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter,"
verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing
"Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing
there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese
characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of
your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time
you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't
pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's
one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of
Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're
already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms,
I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making
movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give
everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other
screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the
first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.
Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you
isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more
bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and
a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if
he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't
want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I
don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine.
He's not a cheese.
And I didn't really care in the first place.

[Mark1T]

POTATO PROSTITUTES

Two little potatoes are standing on the street corner. One is a prostitute.

How can you tell which one is the prostitute?

Hold on......

You're gonna love it...

It's the one with the little sticker that says...

I - DA - HO

Hey mom - you kill me!!! :)

[Nalu]

A 3 year old boy is in the tub playing with his testicles and asks "Mom, are these my brains?"
She answers "Not yet."

[Nalu]

A stranger was seated next to little Johnny on the plane and said "Lets talk, I've heard flights go a lot quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger,"

Little Johnny, who had just opened up his book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh I don't know" said the stranger "How about nuclear power?"

"OK" said little Johnny "That could be an intersting topic but let me ask you a question first." " A horse, a cow and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet the deer excretes pellets, a cow turn out a flat patty and a horse produces clumps. Why is that?"

"Jeez, I don't know." answers the stranger

"Well then" said Little Johnny "How is it you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know ****?"

[Nalu]

Watch where you sit.

[jtroster]

At 85 years of age, Walter married Mary Lou, a lovely 25 year old.

Since her new husband was so old, Mary Lou decides that after their wedding she and Walter should have separate bedrooms, mainly because she is concerned that her aged husband may overexert himself if they spend nights
together.

After the wedding festivities, Mary Lou prepares herself for bed in her own room, when the knock on her door comes. She opens the door, and there is Walter, her 85 year old groom, looking for some action.

They unite as one for the very first time and all goes well. Walter takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep in her own bed.

After a few minutes, Mary Lou hears another knock on her bedroom door, and once again, there is Walter smiling and looking for more action.

Somewhat surprised, Mary Lou consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds finish, Walter kisses his bride and bids her a fond goodnight.

She settles in bed and is just about asleep, when (you guessed it) Walter is back again, knocking on the door, and appears as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more action. Once again, they enjoy each other intensely.

As Walter gets set to leave, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often! I have been with guys much less younger than you who were only good once! You are a wonderful lover, Walter."

Walter, looking somewhat embarrassed, turns to Mary Lou and sheepishly says:

"You mean I was here already?"

The moral of the story: Senior moments have their advantages!!!

[mom24boys]

This has got to be one of the cleverest E-mails I've received in awhile.
Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.


DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY


Election results

When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay
too much time on their hands!

[mom24boys]

Little Zachary was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried
everything: tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers, in
short, everything they could think of to help his math. Finally, in a
last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local
Catholic school.


After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look
on his face. He didn't even kiss his Mother hello. Instead, he went
straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were
spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work.

His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner, to her shock,
the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word. In
no time he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on
for some time, day after day, while his Mother tried to understand what
made all the difference.

Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid
it on the table, went up to his room, and hit the books. With great
trepidation his Mom looked at it , and to her great surprise little
Zachary got an "A" in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.
She went to his room and said:

Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Zachary looked at her and
shook his head no. "Well then, " she replied, "was it the books, the
discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT was it?"

Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of
school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they
weren't messing around."

[mom24boys]

oK last one for today : )


A lawyer and a blonde gal happen to be sitting next ot each other on a long flight from L.A. to NY. The lawyer leans over and asks her if she would like to play a game.


The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains how the game works: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me and vice-versa."

Again the blonde politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer figures he's pretty smart and since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer. "Okay, how about this? If you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00 but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the blonde's attention and figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question....

"Whats the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word - reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now it's the blondes turn.

She asks the lawyer.... "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the air-phone with his modem and searches the internet and even the Library of Congrss. Frustrated he sends e-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour of searching for the answer he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $500.00.

The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer who can't believe he has been outsmarted by a blonde, is going nuts trying to figure it out. He's more than a little frustrated! He wakes the blonde again and asks .....

"Well- so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00 and goes back to sleep

[Gunn27]

At a world brewing convention in the States, the CEOs of various brewing organizations retired to the bar at the end of each day's conference.

Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouted to the Barman: "In 'Strylya, we make the best bloody beer in the world, so pour me a bloody Fosters, mate."

Augie, CEO of Budweiser, calls out next: "In the States, we brew the finest beers of the world, and I make the King of them all, gimme a Bud."

Hans steps up next: "In Germany ve invented das beer, ferdamt. Give me ein Becks, ist der real King of beers, danke."

Paddy, CEO of Guinness, steps forward: "Barman, would ya give me a diet coke with ice and lemon? Thanks."

The others stare at him in stunned silence, amazement written all over their faces.

Eventually Bruce asks: "Are you not going to have a Guinness, Pat?"

Paddy replies "Well, if you fookin' pansies aren't drinkin', then neither am I."

[GREENFEATHER]

I got this in an email today. M said she gets it all of the time that the younger girls she works with just don't know who these people are. There's a pic at the bottom that does the Cat in the Hat joke.

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change
things.

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born
in 1987 . They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

The CD was introduced the year they were born.

They have always had an answering machine

They have always had cable.

Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.!

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "
de plane Boss, de plane".

McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter

[jtroster]

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened.

The man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing.

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezing' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the jar open."

[GimpyPaw]

Disclaimer: If you do not or have not lived in an area where timber is harvested, you are not going to get this joke.

A Rabbi, a Priest, and a Substance Abuse Counselor all find themselves waiting in line at St. Peter's Gates. For what seems like an eternity they slowly move forward twards their final judgement and entry into the Kingdom of Heaven. After a bit they see Mother Teresa appear at the back of the line (having just died). St. Peter notices her in line and invites her to come forward.

"Mother Teresa, welcome! We've been waiting for you, come right in."

After a little while more they see the Pope appear in the back of the line. Once again St. Peter invites him to jump forward to the front of the line.

"Your Holiness, welcome to the Pearly Gates! Please, enter with our blessings."

Eventually the three men are getting close to the gates and are eager to take their turn. As they glance back to the end of the line they notice a dirty, overweight, and rather vulgar man in a plaid shirt and greasy baseball cap. He is chewing tobacco and spitting on other people's shoes. Even though he is a long ways off they can tell his vocabulary is mostly baised on words you would not repeat in good company, so it is no wonder that the Rabbi, the Priest, and the Abuse Counelor are wondering if this man may be in the wrong line. Much to their supprise St. Peter looks back and on seeing the man he jumps up, runs back to him and excidedly takes his hand.

"Welcome good Sir!! It is an honor to finally meet you. Please, let me show you to the Gates myself."

With this our three friends become impatient. The Priest steps forward and says to St. Peter "Look here. I have been a God fearing man all my life. I have dedicated my life to service of that same God and preaching his word to all who would hear. I have helped convert many people to following the path of righteousness in my time. This good Rabbi, who has also waited here patiently with me has likewise spent his life teaching people of sacrifice and duty to God's laws. And here next to him you see a man who has spent his time helping those in need and assisting them in overcoming their addictions. Many people have given up smoking and drinking thanks to him. Why then do you make us wait while you rush this man to the front of the line?"

St. Peter looked upon them and said "Good Sirs, I thank you for your patience, but you have no idea who this man is or what he has done. Thanks to this man more people have given up smoking and drinking, have prayed earnestly to God, have given up vice and sin, and have sworn they would follow the path of righteousness all their days than all three of you have together. You see, this man is a chip truck driver."