View Full Version : Why me...question for the ladies
08-16-2003, 02:01 PM
I have been on paxil for a couple of years now and although it has helped tremendously with depressio and OCD, I cannot get over my social anxiety about approaching women--I work out almost 7 days a week and have always been told I am an attractive guy, yet, liek last night, when my friends took me to a few clubs ( since I am moving out of town, back in with my parents at the age of 31, because I am an attorney that cannot find ajob)--I thought I might talk to some women---but, nope, not me, I couldn't get myself to do it--i saw all these guys talking to women and felt bitterness, then realized, after years of thinking this, that I was actually jealous, thinking, WOW they are so cool that they can just walk up to a woman without any insecurities and talk, with the women rsponding---yet, here i sit, supposedly a nice, attractive, fit guy, who cannot even fathom how it feels to just approach a woman in a bar--I never even see women checking me out, but, of course, I put up a false front to my friends and say that "nah, now women in here meet my standards"--oh, well, c'est la vie
I suppose my ultimate quesiton is---hwo can I overcome this horrible shyness--I feel as if, at the age of 31, that I have wasted my youth that should have been spent having fun with people yet I spent it depressed and overcoem with debilitating shyness with females and fear of rejection????
08-16-2003, 02:40 PM
There's that kit on the informercial about overcoming anxiety. That could possibly help you.
08-16-2003, 02:44 PM
thanks MsFit--although I have tried subliminal "confidence booster" programs but they have not seemed to help no matter how many times I listen to them :(
my friend give me the great advice of "grow some balls"--lucky me to have those friends (althoguh even they are long distance friends b/c I moved to DC last year and didn't make any friends yet) and now moving back to NY where I grew up and all my friends I had have sinced married and movied away--but I will now be livign with my parents again--who think of me as 13, not 31, so I do not have freedoms (their money, their rules) sorry if I am feeling sorry for myself but after sending out over 200 resumes, being licensed in 2 states, and having advanced law degrees, I cannot seem to find a job, which furthers my depression and lack of self-confidence (sorry for ranting here )
08-16-2003, 07:56 PM
You could benefit from psychotherapy. Since you're unemployed, some health departments of cities offer mental health services on a sliding fee scale.
08-24-2003, 12:06 PM
What about meeting someone online? You'd be able to converse in the privacy of your own home, when your comfortable, start talking over the phone, then if/when you decide to meet, you'll already know her, so it would be less nevewraking?
08-25-2003, 08:06 AM
You may also want to avoid the "cold meeting" scene. Perhaps meeting someone in a bar is just not for you. Have you tried just getting to know someone through a friend or family member? I know this is taboo for some people but works well for others. I met my bf at the gym - we both worked there part time (so if it didn't work out, I didn't have to worry about seeing him every day).
If all else fails, you may be able to talk to your doctor about a medication that helps block seratonin receptors. I have panic attacks on stage and my doctor gave me a blood pressure medication that a lot of actors/musicians use for stage fright. If therapy doesn't help - this may???
At least talk to your physician about it. He should know what I'm talking about.
08-25-2003, 10:11 AM
Originally posted by cdmuscle
I met my bf at the gym - we both worked there part time (so if it didn't work out, I didn't have to worry about seeing him every day).
Hahaha, that's crazy. I'm working at a community owned recreation center [mostly a gym] right now, and almost everyone there has worked in a gym/rec center setting their entire lives. And almost everyone there has married a person they've met at their place of employment [which would be a rec center or gym]. You should see the town newsletter- everybody has the same last name! It's hilarious.
Which means *gulp* the chances of me finding my future s.o. at the rec is pretty darn high. Good thing the lifeguards that work there are cute. ;)
08-25-2003, 10:18 AM
Oh, and I agree. Maybe a bar setting just isn't for you. It isn't my sort of dive either, which most people find insanely amusing considering I'm 21 and I should be "partying it up". I just don't like the bar atmosphere. Not my type of thing.
So I find other things to do to bide my time & meet new people. You need to get some hobbies. Whether it's running a 5 or 10K, joining a photography club, volunteering somewhere, ANYTHING where you'll meet new people. It sounds dorky, but that's your best bet.
I hate to say it, but everybody gets rejected at some point in their lives. Even the smoothest of all smooth people. Instead of turning it into a negative, turn it into a positive. Realize it wasn't meant to be, pick up, and move on. With the good comes the bad. In order to succeed, you hafta fail. Etc etc etc. I think you get my point. ;)
08-26-2003, 05:18 PM
how can a attorney be shy?
08-28-2003, 12:46 PM
I'm rude and should be ignored.
Edited by Mod
09-17-2003, 12:24 AM
How often are you taking Paxil? What is your dosage? You may need to increase your dosage or see about switching meds to another mood-altering medication. If you have been on it for several years your body may not be as sensitive as it once was. See your doctor. If your life is being effected to this degree your medication is not working. It's purpose is to let you lead a normal life not to keep stuck at home and if it's not doing this you need to change dosage or drug.
09-17-2003, 05:12 AM
taking off and on for 2 yer around 60 mgs. I am feeling better these days as I am trying to look at things more positively
09-17-2003, 02:14 PM
I would suggest reading books by people like Dale Carnegie "How to Win Friends and Influence People." They are very good books that show you how you can approach people and start conversations and keep the convo going. If you see a good looking girl, start trying to think of some things that you coud ask her that will get her talking. Get her talking and then you will have a good start. You aren't getting girls because you are not going up to them. I can't think of many times that I have ever approached a man on my own, we wait for you. You just have to grin and bear it and this may sound stupid, but rehearse in your head what you are going to say. Maybe it's like going to trial or depositions, you know in your head what you are going to ask, so use the same tactic. When I know that I am going to be talking to someone new or someone that I feel a bit uncomfortable with, I think of things I can ask them and get them to do all the talking and that way you also look like a really good listener. The way you sound, it seems as though you come across as having a low self esteem and that is also a turn off, be confident, you said you have a good body, show it off. You don't work hard not to be proud of what you have achieved. You made it through law school and passed the bar, be proud. We have one life and one chance at it, so make it count. Don't let life get you down, because it is all about what you make of it and all about how you handle the cards that are dealt to you.
09-17-2003, 02:59 PM
thanks for the confidence boost benzo :)
09-19-2003, 12:06 PM
Originally posted by wantmoresize
thanks for the confidence boost benzo :)
hi, i can understand where you are coming from about the anxiety. i have terrible social anxiety in school settings (im in grad school), or around people who are really successful, for some reason i get all nervous and crap. its terrible. but i have no problems in bars, especially after a few drinks. its funny but my anxiety is only situational. but when i get it, its terrible, im a mess, its really embarrassing. i went to a social worker last week, after i dropped my semester of classes. i had a terrible panic attack when the professor called on me to get up and discuss some things. it was so embarrassing, and the worst part was i couldnt control it. so after that, i called for help. i see a psychiatrist on tuesday and she said possibly paxil. i never thought i needed drugs, but this anxiety has caused me hell for long enough. i hope it changes my life. and i hope you can get better too. no one deserves this. and im like you too, im very fit and take good care of myself, there is no need for me to be shy or nervous.
ps---will doctors still prescribe meds if you anxiety is only situational? for instance im fine at work and stuff, i only get bad when i have to do meetings or meet new people. but i dont have problems going to bars or restaurants, im just curiuos. thanks for any help.
09-19-2003, 08:57 PM
[QUOTE]Originally posted by wantmoresize
[B]WOW they are so cool that they can just walk up to a woman without any insecurities and talk, with the women rsponding---
EVERYONE has insecurities. you think those guys never have a moment of self-doubt? They do. They just hide it better. If you want to be like them, you have to act. Have you ever done public speaking? how did you cope with that situation? the biggest leap in confidence i made was when i had to do some big presentations to 'senior' colleagues. AFTER I cocked up the first one, I realised I had to ACT, to pretend that I was some other person who knew what I was talking about. If you look, act, speak more confident (even if you're quaking inside), people will respond. and their response feeds your confidence. yes you have to be brave to make the first step. treat it like a big bluff and try to make it fun.
I think one of the issues may be that you are seeing women as something other than just ordinary fellow human beings? Our society seems to encourage a lot of gender role playing games that aren't necessarily good or healthy ways to simply communicate honestly like normal people, become friends and maybe progress to more than friendship from there.
I know that if a guy approached me to talk to me, seeing me as "A Woman" and exclusively as a potential sex partner rather than as a fellow human being whom it might be fun to chat with whether anything romantic developed or not, I'd be uncomfortable. I'd feel like games were being played with me, and like I wasn't being treated as a normal person.
When a guy talks to me just as he would talk to another person irrespective of gender, in a friendly way that feels positive and honest and healthy without any game playing, I like that a lot. It's easy to start a conversation that way, and there are no huge expectations hanging over our heads about gender roles and sex. We can just talk and enjoy the conversation, and at least for me this is MORE likely to lead to a deeper connection.
I really dislike the tension of having to interact with another person with all the stress of the "dating game" hanging over our heads before we've spoken more than a few words to one another. I like just talking to guys as if we were both normal people, without any games or pretenses. We might just have a pleasant conversation or we might end up on a date doing something even more fun together, but either way there's a better chance to get to know someone as a person if you just act like regular people with each other to start with.
Please don't take offense to any of this; I don't know you and I am not judging you, just making some guesses about why it might be hard for you to talk to women when it probably isn't hard for you to talk to guys. Maybe if you try talking to women just like you would talk to a guy, casually and in a friendly way, it might help? I hope it does. :)
09-21-2003, 01:24 PM
My best advice to you is to keep on your medication and just PRACTICE. Its like anything, the more you do something, the more comfortable you feel at it. Now I'm not saying go talk to everyone woman in America, but just say hello and get out there and be sociable. Maybe go to a sports bar and meet a couple of guys. Maybe they have some great spots to meet NICE ladies (not tramps!!) or maybe they now some nice ladies that need friendship. I've worked in nice bars so I know some things about being social. There are sleaze buckets of every gender so stay away from them. Also like the other poster said there are other place to meet people. Book, Grocery stores, etc Good Luck to you.
09-21-2003, 02:50 PM
I figured I would show you all a pic of me actually smiling :)
thanks for the advice and concern
You're a nice looking guy, neat and well groomed, you don't look like a sleazeball or a psycho or anything. :) I am sure any woman would enjoy chatting with you in a friendly way even if she did not necessarily want to date you.
As an example, I am not personally on the dating market because I already have a boyfriend, but if someone like you were to come up and talk to me in a friendly way I would enjoy and appreciate it and not be offended. It would be fun and we'd have a pleasant chat.
(Hint: "friendly way" means just that, if some guy came up to me and started making totally crude sexual comments I certainly WOULD be offended. But I don't think you would ever do that.)
A woman might not want to date you because she already has a boyfriend, or because she only dates other women, or because she prefers men who look or act different than you do. None of that stuff necessarily has anything to do with you. It's not really a personal rejection and shouldn't be taken as such. Out of all the women in the world you can expect that a fairly big percentage of them are just not going to be a good romantic match for any one particular guy.
One of the best ways you can find out whether a woman might want to date you or not is starting out just talking in a friendly, polite way. Maybe she is in one of the categories of not wanting to date you (eg, she's already taken, or prefers much older guys, etc), and maybe she isn't. Either way you can still have a nice friendly conversation. :)
I agree with the other posters that you should not try to meet women only in bars. Why not at a sports or fitness event, or at some other place where you could meet women who share some of your interests?
09-22-2003, 11:21 AM
thanks for the compliment--I do not go to bars at all since I do not drink--that being said--I am not sure meeting women at the gym is good either since I am there to workout and don't want to be distrubed so I do not disturb others either--and plus, it goes back to sel- esteem thinking all the other guys are so much better looking than me that I would be laughed at in the gym by any woman there
Originally posted by wantmoresize
it goes back to sel- esteem thinking all the other guys are so much better looking than me that I would be laughed at in the gym by any woman there
I'm sorry you feel that way, and I don't agree. I've seen WAY uglier guys at the gym than you. Some of them might even have bigger muscles, but they are still ugly, because of their attitude or their personality as much as because of what they look like.
Please remember that while some men and women are shallow and only interested in what somebody looks like, there are a lot of people in the world who are more interested in what is inside your head and who you are as a person. Admittedly most women don't want to date a deformed Quasimodo, but if a guy is reasonably decent looking (which you are) and keeps himself neat and clean, then his personality is really what's going to be the deciding factor.
My attitude towards guys who are looking for a perfect Barbie doll model is that they are not worth getting to know and I am glad they are not interested in me. I'm sure that you also probably don't want to meet a shallow woman who cares only about the size of your biceps. I would only want to date a guy who cares a lot more about who I am on the inside than what I look like. Dating shallow people really sucks.
I agree that there are times not to bother people at the gym when they are busy working out, but if your gym has a sports drink bar or an area that isn't a workout space that might still be an option. Otherwise you could try to meet people at a more general sports or fitness event where people are there to watch and socialize.
The Internet is also a great place - try posting a personals ad on one of the sites and see what you come up with. :)
10-02-2003, 10:32 AM
I totally know how you feel. I too would go out to bars with friends and I would rarely, if ever approach women. I too hardly ever drink and that was a problem - because I must have been too uptight when sober. I consider myself a good looking guy as well, but felt that women simply weren't interested in me.
After going through this for most of my early 20s (I'm now 25) I realized that I probably wasn't going to meet anyone significant (or at least someone who held similar interests as me) in a bar, so I didn't fret over it anymore.
Additionally, I didn't talk to women at the gym either. I always thought I'd come off as a "loser" if I tried to pick-up a gal at the gym.
Thankfully, my current gf approached me at the gym and we've been happy ever since.
Bro, you're a handsome guy and eventually you will find a woman who is compatable with you. It may come at the most unexpected time, but it will happen.
10-02-2003, 06:40 PM
5thanks for the inspiration and the story about you as well-- I am glad to know I am not alone going through this
10-15-2003, 11:14 AM
dude, trust me your not missing out on anything at the bar scene,
except bar flies. which DONT make for healthy relationships.
i meet my current gf at the gym also. the healhiest one i've been in so far.
stop thinking like guy, when at the gym women don't seldom like the bigger, strong guy. the ones that do are probably the same "bar flies".....cause there will always be someone BIGGER & STRONGER than you.
DR. PHIL had a good show on this topic recently.
10-24-2003, 06:03 PM
Dude I am totally like you. I'm your age and I have the exact same problem with shyness. I've been told by women that I am a good looking guy but I can never approach them. I just got no game. The bar scene is also the worst place to meet a girl in my opinion. Most girls just go to have a good time, not to hook up or meet someone. So your odds are bad there unless you got some $$ to throw around. As far as the gym goes, yeah I've always just gone to train and thought it would be rude to interrupt someones workout to chat with them. I've been going to the same gym for five years and don't know a soul in there. I'm pretty focused when I'm there. Some people may call it conceited. Well I've really got no advice for you. I just wanted you to know that others felt the same way. Lately I've been reading a lot about attracting and meeting women and they all says the same thing: Just do it. Just go up and talk to them. Well that's the hardest part. I live in Miami Fl and it's very competitive down here. Also most of the women have their defenses up so nice guys like us don't have a chance. Sorry I couldn't be more help. Hey if you need a job you could always check out Florida.
11-01-2003, 07:31 AM
hey Jack--thanks for the pic and the story--I can only imagin that the Miami scene must be somewhat intimidating since television and movies portray it as a mecca for models and ripped to shreds guys---I suppose lately Ihave begun to get much more confidence by reading Dale Carnegie's famous tome "
How to win friends and influence people"-the best advice he gives is to be interested in what others have to say and SMILE!!! I have tried this and it really works---I am also trying the internet dating and supposed to meet someone tonight so cross my fingers--we hit it off on the phone and liked each other's photos---dud you are a good looking, built guy , join me in gaining some confidence and we can chart our progress..until then, go enjoy those Miami women and rays Doug