Sabotage- Why don't my family and friends get it

[justcurious76]

I've been working out hard for the last couple of years and am in the best shape I've ever been. I've struggled with weight like probably so many other ladies on here. Total weight loss has been 36 pounds and I'm down to about 20% BF. I've started talking to a trainer about possibly competing in bikini or figure soon and so have started to try and get the diet down. So there are days that I am particularly leaned out and look much skinnier than my friends and family are used to. But my husband, my dad and some acquintances have said I look malnourised and my friends don't understand why I won't have a couple of drinks or a burger with them since I've lost the weight. And I know that some of my friends no longer hang out b/c they are sick of hearing other people ask me about the diet and workout routine. Maybe I am paranoid, but I feel like 1) some of them are trying to sabotage my efforts to stay fit and/or compete or 2) that they just don't get that I got tired of hating myself and body so much that I want to maintain the hard work. I finally feel good about myself! After 30+ years of body loathing why can't my friends and family get on board with me? What do you tell them?

[greesemuunkie]

Don't tell them anything. I go through the same thing. (except for people thinking I look malnourished).

Recognize this phrase, "Oh, it's just one, it's not gonna kill you!". yeah... I live in HI where food is a source of happiness and it bonds people. It is difficult but the thing I've learned to do with friends is to try to explain to them that I have a goal and it's the only way to reach my goal. Reassure them that you're still the same person on the inside, but you have to sacrifice in order to meet the things you want to accomplish. Some people may also be tired of hearing about diets/workouts, so try to talk to them about things they are interested in. Reminisce on food!

[frogisco]

I think some people just don't get it. I don't think they're trying to F up your plans,,,,but, for example, one of my *friends* said "you don't have to lose anymore weight, when are you gonna stop this diet thing?" Uh, well, probably never because I DON'T want 1)gain everything I've lost back and 2)I'm far from finished! This *friend* is also 100lbs soaking wet and 'never gets hungry'....hmmmmmm.

You need to do what ya need to do.

[sonti]

On the other hand, some people are completely overzealous when it comes to 'eating clean' and fitness that they perceive it as sabotage when really others are just attempting to relate to someone who has done a complete 180.

[AmberRJ]

Don’t give up on your friends and family yet. I know it’s frustrating at times when they “just don’t get it”. But you have to remember that you’ve unwittingly changed the dynamics of your relationships. Everyone knew the “old” you, everyone grew comfortable with the old you. Now, it's probably just the case of them being a little unsure of themselves around you. All of the things you used to do together are now taboo so-to-speak (like going out for drinks, getting a pizza and a movie, etc.) Also, if they aren’t a part of this lifestyle (working out and eating right, let alone competing) then they don’t understand the discipline you need maintain. Just try explaining to them what your goals are and what you need to do--and not do--to achieve them.

Unbeknownst to them, there may even be some underlying jealousy at play. For some, it’s much easier to console someone through their darkest hours than it is to celebrate with them their successes. That’s just human nature. Don’t get discouraged. You’re still the same person on the inside, and so are they. You’ll find your friendships/relationships again. And for those few that only have negative comments, who’s sole desire seems to be to tear you down…well, don’t you think you deserve better? I think you do :)

[discdoggie]

On the other hand, some people are completely overzealous when it comes to 'eating clean' and fitness that they perceive it as sabotage when really others are just attempting to relate to someone who has done a complete 180.

x2.

When I have been on a strict and restrictive program in the past, I too perceived things as "everyone's out to get me" when in reality I was just a giant pain in the ass to be around.

[vandalgirl59]

Now, I just try to avoid saying anything so people won't really notice. In large enough groups, ppl dont notice when I don't eat. My CLOSEST friends have given up trying...they finally get it haha. It was a struggle for a long time to get my family to back off though. A good phrase that works with people that don't know me that well and say the 'oh come on its just ONE bite' is, 'trust me if I accepted every bite I was offered I'd be the size of a house'...or something like that. There will always be haters haha. Once someone was (for the millionth time) nagging me about my rabbit food. I just said, 'yeah well CLEARLY whatever you're doing is working SOOO much better.' (Yes, they're in terrible shape haha).

It will get better! And if not, don't be afraid to just lay down the line at some point :) If they won't eat YOUR healthy stuff, why should you eat their junk?

[kimm4]

I've been working out hard for the last couple of years and am in the best shape I've ever been. I've struggled with weight like probably so many other ladies on here. Total weight loss has been 36 pounds and I'm down to about 20% BF. I've started talking to a trainer about possibly competing in bikini or figure soon and so have started to try and get the diet down. So there are days that I am particularly leaned out and look much skinnier than my friends and family are used to. But my husband, my dad and some acquintances have said I look malnourised and my friends don't understand why I won't have a couple of drinks or a burger with them since I've lost the weight. And I know that some of my friends no longer hang out b/c they are sick of hearing other people ask me about the diet and workout routine. Maybe I am paranoid, but I feel like 1) some of them are trying to sabotage my efforts to stay fit and/or compete or 2) that they just don't get that I got tired of hating myself and body so much that I want to maintain the hard work. I finally feel good about myself! After 30+ years of body loathing why can't my friends and family get on board with me? What do you tell them?

Your stats are completely normal, so I can't imagine you looking malnourished. There is nothing wrong with having a burger and a few drinks with family/friends. A person can be in fantastic shape without having to give up any of the good stuff in life. It's called balance and it sounds like you haven't found it yet...

[tasnana]

I've been working out hard for the last couple of years and am in the best shape I've ever been. I've struggled with weight like probably so many other ladies on here. Total weight loss has been 36 pounds and I'm down to about 20% BF. I've started talking to a trainer about possibly competing in bikini or figure soon and so have started to try and get the diet down. So there are days that I am particularly leaned out and look much skinnier than my friends and family are used to. But my husband, my dad and some acquintances have said I look malnourised and my friends don't understand why I won't have a couple of drinks or a burger with them since I've lost the weight. And I know that some of my friends no longer hang out b/c they are sick of hearing other people ask me about the diet and workout routine. Maybe I am paranoid, but I feel like 1) some of them are trying to sabotage my efforts to stay fit and/or compete or 2) that they just don't get that I got tired of hating myself and body so much that I want to maintain the hard work. I finally feel good about myself! After 30+ years of body loathing why can't my friends and family get on board with me? What do you tell them?

I get the "I miss you fat (face) cheeks". err I hate that comment!!!!

I've learn to ignore their comments and pat myself on the back for living a healthier life style. Just smile and say thank you.. Grins

[neuropeptides]

people just dont like change. they are not saying negative things to you for your own benefit but for their own selfish gains. i dont think they are trying to sabotauge you/cause you harm, they just want to be able to manipulate/change you into going along with what they are saying like its a power trip for them to win.

[funsize3]

I've been working out hard for the last couple of years and am in the best shape I've ever been. I've struggled with weight like probably so many other ladies on here. Total weight loss has been 36 pounds and I'm down to about 20% BF. I've started talking to a trainer about possibly competing in bikini or figure soon and so have started to try and get the diet down. So there are days that I am particularly leaned out and look much skinnier than my friends and family are used to. But my husband, my dad and some acquintances have said I look malnourised and my friends don't understand why I won't have a couple of drinks or a burger with them since I've lost the weight. And I know that some of my friends no longer hang out b/c they are sick of hearing other people ask me about the diet and workout routine. Maybe I am paranoid, but I feel like 1) some of them are trying to sabotage my efforts to stay fit and/or compete or 2) that they just don't get that I got tired of hating myself and body so much that I want to maintain the hard work. I finally feel good about myself! After 30+ years of body loathing why can't my friends and family get on board with me? What do you tell them?

To be honest, I ignore them. I'm going to accomplish my goals with or without their help. Albeit, hard esp. if it's from your significant other though. I think as long as you communicate you'll be fine. A lot of my coworkers have been noticing I've been more active than usual and call me a "crazy bitch" for getting up 3-4 am and going to gym then riding or running later on. They always come up with excuses as to why they can't, and sometimes I think it's their own self-loathing and lack of will power that projects outward. Those are their demons and not mine.
The difference between us is that I'm not afraid to do what other's won't.

Keep doing what you want, OP, though don't neglect your relationships with people you value. Like another poster said, find other things to talk about. Find people that share your goals. Maybe you can get your friends interested in the same things you do. Good luck.

[DaniGrrl]

I deal with a mixture. Most of the people in my life tell me I look great. My dad, however, tells me every time I see him that I am too skinny, and to eat. When I insist that I DO eat, that I in fact eat A LOT of food, he rolls his eyes. I am just not filling myself up with junk and I eat food that is good for me, and I do treat myself. Everything in moderation. I have another friend who asks me every time I see her if I am just going to continue to get more skinny. My husband says she is giving me a complement in a roundabout way, but it's annoying. Because the next second, she will complain about how she, herself, looks but then smokes, drinks and eats too much.

I don't know that people are jealous, per se. They just don't "get it." And with your stats, I am sure you look far from malnourished. I also think that as someone mentioned above, they are just used to how you used to be and used to look and now you are someone different to them. Keep up the good work - and good luck with your goals for competing. You'll do great!

[zrach]

I don't think people really get it... they just learn to accept it as time passes by

[oregonchick76]

I've been working out hard for the last couple of years and am in the best shape I've ever been. I've struggled with weight like probably so many other ladies on here. Total weight loss has been 36 pounds and I'm down to about 20% BF. I've started talking to a trainer about possibly competing in bikini or figure soon and so have started to try and get the diet down. So there are days that I am particularly leaned out and look much skinnier than my friends and family are used to. But my husband, my dad and some acquintances have said I look malnourised and my friends don't understand why I won't have a couple of drinks or a burger with them since I've lost the weight. And I know that some of my friends no longer hang out b/c they are sick of hearing other people ask me about the diet and workout routine. Maybe I am paranoid, but I feel like 1) some of them are trying to sabotage my efforts to stay fit and/or compete or 2) that they just don't get that I got tired of hating myself and body so much that I want to maintain the hard work. I finally feel good about myself! After 30+ years of body loathing why can't my friends and family get on board with me? What do you tell them?

Sometimes being really fit is a weird place to be. I've had lots of coworkers or fellow students scoff at me for not partaking in a sweet treat. I get the comments like, "you're so lucky"... Um, whatever - I work my butt off! I have lots of overweight friends/family, and I hate going out to eat with them because it gets very awkward when I'm eating some grilled item and they're chowing on a burger. It makes them feel bad, and then me too. I don't eat the salad to "rub it in their face", it's just the way I eat.

The funny thing is - to them I look "skinny", but I'm probably at least 25% body fat, and I feel fat. So when I tell them I still have quite a ways to go, they harass me about it.

I think you just have to be very single-minded and determined with your goals. About the only person who truly relates to me is my trainer.

[justcurious76]

I appreciate everyone's comments. I know I was a huge bore to talk to the first year or so because that is all I talked about!! But now I try to limit the workout and eating conversations only to people that ask and usually try to keep that to a short minimum if other people around have heard it before. I'm not hating on my friends or my family. They are wonderful people. Aboslutely understand that it must be a bit strange to see someone you've known for so many years go from just working out enough for a cushy body to making it a daily habit and incorporating a good diet. Maybe just time to reevaluate those not so close friends that are hating and make sure to not let the lifestyle get in the way of my closer friends that want me to be happy (but not hear about protein or cardio sessions all the time!! LOL)

[boston.girl]

I've had family members say, "You look like a man, why do you want to look like a man?" I just say, "thank you," and ignore the rest. I always get told I take my diet and exercise way too seriously (my husband excluded), but then in the next breath the same people are begging me to "make a muscle" it's ridiculous and they wonder why I don't honor their request.

That's exactly it - people who don't follow a strict diet and workout DON'T understand and they NEVER WILL until they get into bodybuilding themselves - and face it people like that won't because they're too busy telling you why you shouldn't be doing it, so just ignore their bs and keep to YOUR goals. Good luck to you.

[poison]

In addition to what's been said, it's YOUR body, YOUR life. You've made a change that's better, to YOU, in both respects. Sometimes priorities change, and sometimes people aren't really your friends (or as good a friend as you thought).

[cynthia_waz]

i think this lifestyle is just so difficult to comphrehend for people that aren't into it. yes, many people here have the goal of competing, which makes it a 'sport' but 'regular folk' don't see it that way.
if you were involved with a more traditional sport, it might be easier for them to understand. because i am in the army, i consider myself lucky when it comes to dealing with friends/family - i am expected to meet certain physical requirements in both ability and shape.
although they still try to feed me the line of "oh, one bite won't hurt". well - one bite of my favorite cake from the cheesecake factory works out to be close to 100cals - so yeah, one bit could 'hurt' when i'd rather save those cals for something a little more nutritionally valuable.

[kdiamond55]

x2.

When I have been on a strict and restrictive program in the past, I too perceived things as "everyone's out to get me" when in reality I was just a giant pain in the ass to be around.

^^This

My hubby eats whatever I make, thankfully, but when we go out maybe once a week he wants to eat garbage and he doesn't understand that I don't. I've stopped trying to discuss my workouts and eating plans LOL. He doesn't want to hear about them. That's his right though, and I can't beat him up to be like me. And for the record, I do get whatever I want when I go out, usually in the form of alcohol, lol, but it definitely requires balance. ;)

[sy2502]

I appreciate everyone's comments. I know I was a huge bore to talk to the first year or so because that is all I talked about!! But now I try to limit the workout and eating conversations only to people that ask and usually try to keep that to a short minimum if other people around have heard it before. I'm not hating on my friends or my family. They are wonderful people. Aboslutely understand that it must be a bit strange to see someone you've known for so many years go from just working out enough for a cushy body to making it a daily habit and incorporating a good diet. Maybe just time to reevaluate those not so close friends that are hating and make sure to not let the lifestyle get in the way of my closer friends that want me to be happy (but not hear about protein or cardio sessions all the time!! LOL)

I agree with other posters that it's highly unlikely that "everybody is out to get you". Consider the size of the average person, and maybe you can start to understand that we are used to people being large so somebody who's skinny even though she's not "malnourished" may look sick and unhealthy to the average person used to looking at overweight people. Could it be that instead of being a$$holes they are just being... gasp... concerned about your well being?
Also, I am glad you recognize that you probably weren't the most interesting person to be around if all you did was yap about diet and exercise and macros. You know, sometimes people get together to have a good time, which usually includes food and drinks, and may not want to hear how this is packed with calories, and how eating that will mess up your macro balance, etc. It's a total party pooper, frankly! I understand that you want to share with others what you are all excited about, but try to be considerate to your interlocutor and talk about something THEY can find interesting also.
Moreover, there are ways of dealing with food and drinks at parties other than sticking out like a sore thumb. For example, decline alcohol by saying you are the designated driver instead of "because it has empty calories." Or pile up your plate with the salad, if there is any, so you are eating with everybody else, instead of just watching everybody else eat. If they offer you something and you realize that refusing would be plain rude, take it and eat just a small bite. Sometimes you can just keep it in your plate and go walk around with that, so it doesn't look like you are avoiding food on purpose AND if they offer you more you can say "I am still working on this, thank you!"
Finally, if you are preparing for a competition, let people know!!! Tell them you need their help to get ready. Let them know how important it is for you, that you have a plan and even just one day of not following the plan may jeopardize your chance at winning. Turn it into a chance to recruit their help, to make them part of your success instead of being aloof and defensive and accusing them of sabotaging you on purpose.

[illiniStrive]

I agree with other posters that it's highly unlikely that "everybody is out to get you". Consider the size of the average person, and maybe you can start to understand that we are used to people being large so somebody who's skinny even though she's not "malnourished" may look sick and unhealthy to the average person used to looking at overweight people. Could it be that instead of being a$$holes they are just being... gasp... concerned about your well being?
Also, I am glad you recognize that you probably weren't the most interesting person to be around if all you did was yap about diet and exercise and macros. You know, sometimes people get together to have a good time, which usually includes food and drinks, and may not want to hear how this is packed with calories, and how eating that will mess up your macro balance, etc. It's a total party pooper, frankly! I understand that you want to share with others what you are all excited about, but try to be considerate to your interlocutor and talk about something THEY can find interesting also.
Moreover, there are ways of dealing with food and drinks at parties other than sticking out like a sore thumb. For example, decline alcohol by saying you are the designated driver instead of "because it has empty calories." Or pile up your plate with the salad, if there is any, so you are eating with everybody else, instead of just watching everybody else eat. If they offer you something and you realize that refusing would be plain rude, take it and eat just a small bite. Sometimes you can just keep it in your plate and go walk around with that, so it doesn't look like you are avoiding food on purpose AND if they offer you more you can say "I am still working on this, thank you!"
Finally, if you are preparing for a competition, let people know!!! Tell them you need their help to get ready. Let them know how important it is for you, that you have a plan and even just one day of not following the plan may jeopardize your chance at winning. Turn it into a chance to recruit their help, to make them part of your success instead of being aloof and defensive and accusing them of sabotaging you on purpose.

Too much win in one post :)

[stillfit]

It is a shame your family isn't more supportive. They should be telling you how great your tranformation is and realize the effort that has gone into it. As far as friends go they will either get used to it or perhaps you will meet people at the gym who have more similar lifestyles with and become friends with them. I know since my wife and I have gotten back in shape our friends have changed. Our old friends that wanted to drink and snack all the time are no longer around. Good luck and keep it up, remember you do this for YOU.

[Julie5150]

Justcurious - you sound very nice and polite here and probably are in real life too.

That might be working against you - they're being rude to you - stand up for yourself and explain things and then be a little gruff and tell them to cut it out.

I have a few people in my life who need to lose a few pounds for their health - for them to criticise my diet and life changes, that's just hypocritical. I put up with it for two years before I blew my top in an embarassing raging fit - but that was it, that was the last time they raked me over the coals.