Feeling Guilt Because Elderly Parent Drives Me Crazy Sometimes

[Tyrbolift]

It's a confusing mix of emotions. 80 years old, mild touch of alzheimers, can be a control freak (partially her natural personality, partially fear of being "lost"), but very loving and giving. Always making comments about little things about my appearance and applies pressure to try to get me to spend all my free time with her.

So sometimes I just want to get away but then if I do I feel terribly guilty, considering her situation and stage of life. It's a tough balance.

[Bando]

That's really tough when you realize she could well live into the early 90's.

My Wife is a social worker in a nursing home, she pulled all kinds of strings to get her 90 year old Grandfather there and now he barely recognizes her :(

Family won't visit because there's no inheritance - even though the man bought them cars and brought groceries weekly for their entire adult lives. :mad:

If Mom is comfortable with anyone else, maybe they could come stay with her awhile, old volunteer Church ladies are notoriously good at this.

[Karl_Hungus]

Sometimes you need to get away in order to mentally recharge ... I know the guilty feeling though, because I've been there myself with loved ones. Getting a break now and then can sometimes help you enjoy your time together more and it can help keep bad times in proper perspective.

You are right though ... it is a tough balance.

[eomrat]

It's a confusing mix of emotions. 80 years old, mild touch of alzheimers, can be a control freak (partially her natural personality, partially fear of being "lost"), but very loving and giving. Always making comments about little things about my appearance and applies pressure to try to get me to spend all my free time with her.

So sometimes I just want to get away but then if I do I feel terribly guilty, considering her situation and stage of life. It's a tough balance.

You seem like a really good guy.

[IronCharles]

So sometimes I just want to get away but then if I do I feel terribly guilty, considering her situation and stage of life. It's a tough balance.

Would you rather feel guilty about spending more time with your mom than you may like and wishing to be away, or feel guilty for the rest of your life because you wished you had spent more time with her when she was still alive?



I wish my parents were still around, and I regret the time I didn't spend with them.

[discdoggie]

I know partly what you're saying. My mother isn't frail or ill yet, though. She's just a pain in my ass. ;) But since I moved back here she always wants to hang around and be friends. ALL the time.

I love my mom. She didn't just raise me to adulthood. She bailed me out of numerous situations as I floundered and struggled to find myself throughout my late teens to early 20s. She's funny and fun. Not "controlling" in general, but kinda controlling of me. But only because she worries about me and wants the best for me. *Sigh* I have no advice to give, Ty. I just wanted you to know I heard you and I hear you. I do agree with Charles though. Cherish every minute. Even the ones when she's being a pain. :) She won't be here forver.

[BackwoodsGa]

I can relate.my parents are both in their 80's and can get on my last nerve.Just take it with a grain of salt bro cause any day can be her last.

[michvolley]

I lost my mom when I was 26 and she was 56. We butted heads when I was a teen, naturally, but when I was in my 20's we truly became best friends. I know that would still be the case if she were here today.

My father is in his early 70's and although I love him dearly he still sometimes drives me crazy. :) I just give him a hug and tell him that I love him every time I see him, and I poke fun at the little things he does that annoy me and he just laughs because he knows how he is. If he doesn't call me for a few days I call him and yell "I could be dead!" because that's one of his favorite gripes.

He still thinks I shouldn't drive at night, that I'm too strong minded (he used to say "I feel sorry for your future husband"), and that I am too fat. :) He asks me every time I see him if I'm still working out. I just laugh at all of it, what can ya do? He's my dad and took care of me for the first almost 2 decades of my life. :)

[ljimd]

It's a confusing mix of emotions. 80 years old, mild touch of alzheimers, can be a control freak (partially her natural personality, partially fear of being "lost"), but very loving and giving. Always making comments about little things about my appearance and applies pressure to try to get me to spend all my free time with her.

So sometimes I just want to get away but then if I do I feel terribly guilty, considering her situation and stage of life. It's a tough balance.

'Tis a noble journey you are on my friend. Been on it some years now myself (Mom's 84 and insists on living alone). I try to temper the guilt by thinking she wants me to have my own time. Just love her the best you can.

[pharmamarketer]

It's a confusing mix of emotions. 80 years old, mild touch of alzheimers, can be a control freak (partially her natural personality, partially fear of being "lost"), but very loving and giving. Always making comments about little things about my appearance and applies pressure to try to get me to spend all my free time with her.

So sometimes I just want to get away but then if I do I feel terribly guilty, considering her situation and stage of life. It's a tough balance.

My grandfather is 93 and going through the same thing. Although the alzheimers is pretty advanced. Comes and goes still though but the good times are less often. It can be very frustrating. I just try and remember that this could be me someday and I try and keep a smile on my face. But I agree, there are times my father and I want to scream because of some of teh things he says and does.

I think getting away is good for everyone involved. Just like any relationship. Time alone is important. Finding that balance and having the other person agree with it is teh challenging part.

All teh best to you and her.

[mrmbm]

You are having perfectly normal feelings!!! It's extremely frustrating to see your parent or parents age and start to fail. Taking time for yourself is important-you need to keep YOU healthy, and sane.

Just do the best you can..no one is perfect.

[quicksand jesus]

It's a confusing mix of emotions. 80 years old, mild touch of alzheimers, can be a control freak (partially her natural personality, partially fear of being "lost"), but very loving and giving. Always making comments about little things about my appearance and applies pressure to try to get me to spend all my free time with her.

So sometimes I just want to get away but then if I do I feel terribly guilty, considering her situation and stage of life. It's a tough balance.

In the same boat as you are for the past two years. Sometimes I need to just go away to recharge my battery. Do I feel guilty ? Somewhat, but it is important to take care of yourself too.

If you can , just get away from it all for a few days. She will get over it.

[mslman71]

It's a confusing mix of emotions. 80 years old, mild touch of alzheimers, can be a control freak (partially her natural personality, partially fear of being "lost"), but very loving and giving. Always making comments about little things about my appearance and applies pressure to try to get me to spend all my free time with her.

So sometimes I just want to get away but then if I do I feel terribly guilty, considering her situation and stage of life. It's a tough balance.

Man, you're there, spending time with the parent, doing what you can do. I saw this with both my parents dealing with their parents. It really tore them up trying to balance the needs & desires their parents and their sense of obligation (and love) against their own life. My take on it was that it is a no-win situation, so you do what you can for them and make sure you take enough time for yourself that you are as happy as circumstances allow. You know, put on your oxygen mask before that of the child (or parent) next to you? Easier said than done...

[taf1968]

That's a tough thing . . . I'm sorry to hear that (I think I've mentioned that your mom taught a swimming class that I was in at Heritage back in the day). Hope all goes well there.

My parents are in their mid 70's and for the most part are doing really well, but there are some "touches" there of some issues that I'm sure will only get worse. It's mostly things like hearing and just being a little forgetful or losing their train of thought. Nothing like you seem to be experiencing, but I think realistically it's just around the corner. Very hard to watch your parents get older and start to struggle.

Hang in there and try to make the best of it. I agree that sometimes you just need to get away and gather your thoughts and decompress--I think that is only natural and healthy, so try not to feel too bad about it. Amazing how it all comes full circle and you end up taking care of the people who took such loving care of us for so many years isn't it? The circle of life marches on.

[paolo59]

Brother, there's nothing wrong in the least with 'getting away' for a bit to recharge. Time spent for yourself, your own mental well being, is as important as time spent with your mother. A caregiver can experience an incredible amount of stress. It can be draining, emotionally and physically.

[Tyrbolift]

That's a tough thing . . . I'm sorry to hear that (I think I've mentioned that your mom taught a swimming class that I was in at Heritage back in the day). Hope all goes well there.

My parents are in their mid 70's and for the most part are doing really well, but there are some "touches" there of some issues that I'm sure will only get worse. It's mostly things like hearing and just being a little forgetful or losing their train of thought. Nothing like you seem to be experiencing, but I think realistically it's just around the corner. Very hard to watch your parents get older and start to struggle.

Hang in there and try to make the best of it. I agree that sometimes you just need to get away and gather your thoughts and decompress--I think that is only natural and healthy, so try not to feel too bad about it. Amazing how it all comes full circle and you end up taking care of the people who took such loving care of us for so many years isn't it? The circle of life marches on.No, I didn't know you had her for a teacher!

But yeah, I could never forget the person who wiped my butt and stayed home when I was sick or sang me lullabyes. And helped me in many ways as an adult as well.

Great comments from everyone! Add more if you like.

[philipj]

Yes, you need to get away, you need it, you deserve it.

After isn't that what your parents did to you for years on end. For at least three years+, day in and day out they had to feed you, clean you up, change your soiled underpants. Did you give them a break when you needed........

This is the time we show that we are grown up men, and yes I did it for way too many years. I know of which I speak. Lesser men cry about it and run like dogs. Go do what is right. Now it is your turn.

[whatevergirl]

It's a confusing mix of emotions. 80 years old, mild touch of alzheimers, can be a control freak (partially her natural personality, partially fear of being "lost"), but very loving and giving. Always making comments about little things about my appearance and applies pressure to try to get me to spend all my free time with her.

So sometimes I just want to get away but then if I do I feel terribly guilty, considering her situation and stage of life. It's a tough balance.

I can imagine it would be a tough balance. To share a different perspective, my parents died when I was a kid. Not at the same time, but within a year of one another. I don't know what it's like to have parents all these decades...to call someone mom and dad. To have had someone there for me to watch my back all these years. I know that it can be frustrating, but cherish these very moments. For she won't be here forever. Hang in there, and remember when she was there for you...during times when you probably frustrated her! :p Hope this is taken in the spirit I mean it in...and it's to just be helpful to your situation. :o