riaden
01-08-2011, 04:06 PM
Well i thought i would start a log as i know its going to help me in the long run to stay on track and to also have a look back on how far i have come.
to give you a brief story about me, im a runner, i love running, and lifting weights, and keeping fit and healthy, its my life, its my passion, its who iam. i was currently running about 140km a week. mostly running twice a day ect. until the dreadful day where i got injured and it turned my life around.
at first i didnt think much of it, i thought i would just cut put pasta and alittle bit of carbs, so i wouldnt put on weight, so i started restricting myself, and the foods i ate.
After about 2months my injury hadnt got any better, i started to get depressed, i started to find ways of buring cals, exercings in different ways, next minute im hardly eating at all and lost a far bit of weight. i went from 68kg to 63kg, then to 60kg.
after about a month i started trying to run again, which was good, but my nutrition was so poor i ended up in hospital in emergency lying on a bed. with fluid around my heart, and around my stomache. the look on my mums face when she saw me lying there was something i never want her to go through again, i never want to see my mum cry the way she did on that night.
they had me straped to a heart pulse reading and i was only on 30beats per min and i thought then that i wasnt going to come out alive. the next two nights were the most of my life, no sleep, not knowing whats happening, blood test after blood test, i thought that this is it. im not going to come out my life is over.
after spending two weeks i was allowed to go home weighing about 58kg. i was happy i thought i have now got a second chance, but sometimes life dosnt always go back the way you think. you get back into bad habbits, and next mimute your back to square one!
after spending sometime at home i was still worried about eating, i was scared of putting on weight, i just kept thinking that im going to get fat, and that im going to get a beer gut.
but i have never drank or smoke, and ive never eaten junk food, only when i was a kid. i thought i was one of the heathiest people going around until this came along.
so after about 2months i was back at work still underweight and to give you an insight of how bad things have gotten this is what a typical day for me was like.
Beep, beep, beep, I jump out of bed and quickly turn my alarm off. Its 5.00am. I slowly but quietly get changed and sneak out of my room, trying desperate not to wake anyone up. I slowly grab my shoes and put them on, and I think to myself is this ever going to stop, I’m tired, I’m sore, I’ve have no energy for this, I’ve had enough, someone please help me. I stand up I can’t take this anymore I say to myself, I then pretty much almost start to cry. I don’t want to go out there, but something is making me, something inside of my head is forcing me, I can’t control it, you must you have no choice. As I begin to head outside I almost begin to cry. I head outside into the darkness tip toeing to the shed; I slowly but surely sneak into the shed without making a noise, and turn the lights on. In front of me is the monster, I look at it up and down, I don’t want to go on this thing, I hate this thing that’s killing me, someone please help me I say to myself again. I pray to god, that if he would just let me run, I will stop this madness, I will change, I will go back to being normal, but it hasn’t happen yet. I jump on the monster and start going flat out for an hour trying to burn up as much energy before work. Before I know it sweat is pouring off my face, I’m tired I want to stop but I can’t, I push even harder, and harder, until an hour is up. Finally after an hour I stop, I step off the monster covered in sweat completely tired, exhausted, and mentally drained. I think to myself I can’t take this anymore, I’m killing myself, someone please help me I think again. I tip toe back inside, I grab my work clothes and have a shower.
Breakfast time, mm don’t feel hungry, I grab 3 eggs, crack them open and only put the egg whites into a bowl and threw the rest away, I then quickly wack it in the microwave for a minute and there my breakfast. I straight away head off for work, completely tired exhausted and hungry, I think to myself why can’t I eat more, I’m allowed to, but it doesn’t happen. I drive to work, struggling to get out of the car, I feel so weak, as the sun comes up, work begins I grab the work ute, and find out we have a big job on, cutting and dragging lots of dead trees and shrubs up an embankment out of a reserve. i rock up to the job tired, and think how in earth am I going to get through this , I walk down the embankment grab the first dead shrub and start ripping it out, I struggle, the dead shrub barely moves, I try again, and again, finally it comes out, I turn around and start dragging it up the embankment, I can barely feel my legs, I finally struggle to walk up this small incline, as I reach the top I put the shrub on the ground and stand there to recover. 3 hours later, smoko finally arrives, finally a break. I’m exhausted. I start the short drive back to the depot, I walk into the lunch room to grab my apple, where I cut it in half and put the other half back in. I get a knife out the draw and begin to cut it into small pieces and start eating it as slowly as I can to try and make it last forever.
I look around the room, I see my other workmates eating solid foods – lovely cheese and tomatoes toasties, and I think why can’t I have one, what’s stopping me. I’m so hungry I walk out and sit in the ute. I can’t take this anymore, I say to myself again, and again. Another 2 hours go bye, finally lunch has come I get my other half of an apple out the fridge and eat it slowly once again. I walk out the lunch room with my head down in shame, embarrassed, frustrated, angry, and just an emotional wreck. Two more hours go by, and finally we get to go home.
I park the ute slowly, but surely walk to my car as I know it hasn’t finished yet. I drive home slowly, almost in tears of how hungry I am. I arrive at home I get changed and back out into the shed to step onto this evil monster that’s killing me. I start going flat out, pushing myself to the limit, I almost start to cry again, as I don’t want to be on this, but I know after an hour it will be all good. I keep going. Beep, beep. Finally I have finished covered in sweat, I feel so weak I walk inside and have a small glass of milk. Ah, the taste is amazing I want more, I just want to drink 2 litres of it. But I don’t, I wait until tea which is still an hour away.
I sit on the couch and wait. Finally with a jump of joy I hear the roller door come up and I know tea is not far away. I rush outside to see my mum come home. First thing I ask is what’s for tea? She says tuna bake. I feel so happy. I love tuna bake. I straight away help mum cook it, it it’s sitting in the oven with 20 minutes of cooking left I can barely wait. I’m so hungry, finally it’s ready I get the plates out I get mum to give me a huge serving, and we all sit down at the table. All I’m looking at is like gold, tuna and pasta with melted cheese. I’m in heaven. I’m so hungry I begin to eat, within 5 minutes it’s gone. I XXXX get up and get some more, another full plate full, and another until it’s all gone. For the next 20 minutes I sit there feeling sick because I’ve eaten too much. My joy, my happiness has gone back out the window.
I go off and have a shower, all of a sudden I’m hungry again I look for more food, I make a banana smoothie, only filled with water blend it all together and drink it slowly, I want it to last forever, I love the taste. After I’ve finished I go straight to bed feeling sick of all the food and water I’ve contained in the small amount of time. I lay there struggling to sleep, my stomach working overtime. I can’t take this anymore I say to myself again and again. I pray, someone please help me. I slowly but surely drift off to sleep, before I know it beep, beep, beep I reach down, turn my alarm off, it’s 5.00 am.
As I sit up with my head between my knees I begin to cry, because I can’t take another day of this. I scream in my head, someone please help me, someone please help me from killing myself. I get changed and head out to the deadly master my love of running still burns inside of me, everyday I think, please god just let me run, if so I promise everything will go
back to normal in my life, my eating, and of course my mind set. I’m sick of being in this vicious cycle I’m in. All I’m doing is going around and around, trying anything I can to get out. Someone please help me!
i know its not pretty, i know all i was doing was killing myself again, but when you have such a deadly mind set that you cant get out of, its so hard to get control of whats happening. i spent the next two months living like this until i was checked into a ED hopstial to get me eating under control and to stop me from exercing.
you can read the thread here about me being in hospital and how im starting to overcome this deadly mindset.
http://forum.bodybuilding.com/showthread.php?t=128385571
Anyway fast forward to now ive been out for about 2months going ok, not good though, my lowest weight was 53kg when i went into hospital. my weight now is 57kg
im trying to get back to where i was so i can be fit and healthy and most importantly start running again.
From the help of Ryan 2020 Wellness which i basically owe my life too. has really help me get my eating under control, and my training, as he has been a great support, and under his guidents i know i can beat this thing.
this is what i used to look like 150lbs 68kg
http://i198.photobucket.com/albums/aa283/4pac_01/z1-7.jpg
and this is me now! i know its not pretty! 120lbs 55kg
http://i198.photobucket.com/albums/aa283/4pac_01/me-4-1.jpg
so this is going to be my food log, so thank you so much for joining me, and hopefully i can beat this thing :)
to give you a brief story about me, im a runner, i love running, and lifting weights, and keeping fit and healthy, its my life, its my passion, its who iam. i was currently running about 140km a week. mostly running twice a day ect. until the dreadful day where i got injured and it turned my life around.
at first i didnt think much of it, i thought i would just cut put pasta and alittle bit of carbs, so i wouldnt put on weight, so i started restricting myself, and the foods i ate.
After about 2months my injury hadnt got any better, i started to get depressed, i started to find ways of buring cals, exercings in different ways, next minute im hardly eating at all and lost a far bit of weight. i went from 68kg to 63kg, then to 60kg.
after about a month i started trying to run again, which was good, but my nutrition was so poor i ended up in hospital in emergency lying on a bed. with fluid around my heart, and around my stomache. the look on my mums face when she saw me lying there was something i never want her to go through again, i never want to see my mum cry the way she did on that night.
they had me straped to a heart pulse reading and i was only on 30beats per min and i thought then that i wasnt going to come out alive. the next two nights were the most of my life, no sleep, not knowing whats happening, blood test after blood test, i thought that this is it. im not going to come out my life is over.
after spending two weeks i was allowed to go home weighing about 58kg. i was happy i thought i have now got a second chance, but sometimes life dosnt always go back the way you think. you get back into bad habbits, and next mimute your back to square one!
after spending sometime at home i was still worried about eating, i was scared of putting on weight, i just kept thinking that im going to get fat, and that im going to get a beer gut.
but i have never drank or smoke, and ive never eaten junk food, only when i was a kid. i thought i was one of the heathiest people going around until this came along.
so after about 2months i was back at work still underweight and to give you an insight of how bad things have gotten this is what a typical day for me was like.
Beep, beep, beep, I jump out of bed and quickly turn my alarm off. Its 5.00am. I slowly but quietly get changed and sneak out of my room, trying desperate not to wake anyone up. I slowly grab my shoes and put them on, and I think to myself is this ever going to stop, I’m tired, I’m sore, I’ve have no energy for this, I’ve had enough, someone please help me. I stand up I can’t take this anymore I say to myself, I then pretty much almost start to cry. I don’t want to go out there, but something is making me, something inside of my head is forcing me, I can’t control it, you must you have no choice. As I begin to head outside I almost begin to cry. I head outside into the darkness tip toeing to the shed; I slowly but surely sneak into the shed without making a noise, and turn the lights on. In front of me is the monster, I look at it up and down, I don’t want to go on this thing, I hate this thing that’s killing me, someone please help me I say to myself again. I pray to god, that if he would just let me run, I will stop this madness, I will change, I will go back to being normal, but it hasn’t happen yet. I jump on the monster and start going flat out for an hour trying to burn up as much energy before work. Before I know it sweat is pouring off my face, I’m tired I want to stop but I can’t, I push even harder, and harder, until an hour is up. Finally after an hour I stop, I step off the monster covered in sweat completely tired, exhausted, and mentally drained. I think to myself I can’t take this anymore, I’m killing myself, someone please help me I think again. I tip toe back inside, I grab my work clothes and have a shower.
Breakfast time, mm don’t feel hungry, I grab 3 eggs, crack them open and only put the egg whites into a bowl and threw the rest away, I then quickly wack it in the microwave for a minute and there my breakfast. I straight away head off for work, completely tired exhausted and hungry, I think to myself why can’t I eat more, I’m allowed to, but it doesn’t happen. I drive to work, struggling to get out of the car, I feel so weak, as the sun comes up, work begins I grab the work ute, and find out we have a big job on, cutting and dragging lots of dead trees and shrubs up an embankment out of a reserve. i rock up to the job tired, and think how in earth am I going to get through this , I walk down the embankment grab the first dead shrub and start ripping it out, I struggle, the dead shrub barely moves, I try again, and again, finally it comes out, I turn around and start dragging it up the embankment, I can barely feel my legs, I finally struggle to walk up this small incline, as I reach the top I put the shrub on the ground and stand there to recover. 3 hours later, smoko finally arrives, finally a break. I’m exhausted. I start the short drive back to the depot, I walk into the lunch room to grab my apple, where I cut it in half and put the other half back in. I get a knife out the draw and begin to cut it into small pieces and start eating it as slowly as I can to try and make it last forever.
I look around the room, I see my other workmates eating solid foods – lovely cheese and tomatoes toasties, and I think why can’t I have one, what’s stopping me. I’m so hungry I walk out and sit in the ute. I can’t take this anymore, I say to myself again, and again. Another 2 hours go bye, finally lunch has come I get my other half of an apple out the fridge and eat it slowly once again. I walk out the lunch room with my head down in shame, embarrassed, frustrated, angry, and just an emotional wreck. Two more hours go by, and finally we get to go home.
I park the ute slowly, but surely walk to my car as I know it hasn’t finished yet. I drive home slowly, almost in tears of how hungry I am. I arrive at home I get changed and back out into the shed to step onto this evil monster that’s killing me. I start going flat out, pushing myself to the limit, I almost start to cry again, as I don’t want to be on this, but I know after an hour it will be all good. I keep going. Beep, beep. Finally I have finished covered in sweat, I feel so weak I walk inside and have a small glass of milk. Ah, the taste is amazing I want more, I just want to drink 2 litres of it. But I don’t, I wait until tea which is still an hour away.
I sit on the couch and wait. Finally with a jump of joy I hear the roller door come up and I know tea is not far away. I rush outside to see my mum come home. First thing I ask is what’s for tea? She says tuna bake. I feel so happy. I love tuna bake. I straight away help mum cook it, it it’s sitting in the oven with 20 minutes of cooking left I can barely wait. I’m so hungry, finally it’s ready I get the plates out I get mum to give me a huge serving, and we all sit down at the table. All I’m looking at is like gold, tuna and pasta with melted cheese. I’m in heaven. I’m so hungry I begin to eat, within 5 minutes it’s gone. I XXXX get up and get some more, another full plate full, and another until it’s all gone. For the next 20 minutes I sit there feeling sick because I’ve eaten too much. My joy, my happiness has gone back out the window.
I go off and have a shower, all of a sudden I’m hungry again I look for more food, I make a banana smoothie, only filled with water blend it all together and drink it slowly, I want it to last forever, I love the taste. After I’ve finished I go straight to bed feeling sick of all the food and water I’ve contained in the small amount of time. I lay there struggling to sleep, my stomach working overtime. I can’t take this anymore I say to myself again and again. I pray, someone please help me. I slowly but surely drift off to sleep, before I know it beep, beep, beep I reach down, turn my alarm off, it’s 5.00 am.
As I sit up with my head between my knees I begin to cry, because I can’t take another day of this. I scream in my head, someone please help me, someone please help me from killing myself. I get changed and head out to the deadly master my love of running still burns inside of me, everyday I think, please god just let me run, if so I promise everything will go
back to normal in my life, my eating, and of course my mind set. I’m sick of being in this vicious cycle I’m in. All I’m doing is going around and around, trying anything I can to get out. Someone please help me!
i know its not pretty, i know all i was doing was killing myself again, but when you have such a deadly mind set that you cant get out of, its so hard to get control of whats happening. i spent the next two months living like this until i was checked into a ED hopstial to get me eating under control and to stop me from exercing.
you can read the thread here about me being in hospital and how im starting to overcome this deadly mindset.
http://forum.bodybuilding.com/showthread.php?t=128385571
Anyway fast forward to now ive been out for about 2months going ok, not good though, my lowest weight was 53kg when i went into hospital. my weight now is 57kg
im trying to get back to where i was so i can be fit and healthy and most importantly start running again.
From the help of Ryan 2020 Wellness which i basically owe my life too. has really help me get my eating under control, and my training, as he has been a great support, and under his guidents i know i can beat this thing.
this is what i used to look like 150lbs 68kg
http://i198.photobucket.com/albums/aa283/4pac_01/z1-7.jpg
and this is me now! i know its not pretty! 120lbs 55kg
http://i198.photobucket.com/albums/aa283/4pac_01/me-4-1.jpg
so this is going to be my food log, so thank you so much for joining me, and hopefully i can beat this thing :)