How did you cope/deal with the loss of your dad? [Archive]

x-trainer ben

12-13-2010, 08:15 AM

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12-13-2010, 08:22 AM

My condolences.

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x-trainer ben

12-13-2010, 08:25 AM

My condolences.

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Thanks man, this is way harder than i could ever imagine!

chodan9

12-13-2010, 08:27 AM

I dont know yet.
But I have a feeling I will be finding out in the next few years, so let me know how you manage to get through it.

kademrulz

12-13-2010, 08:27 AM

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I have not lost my parents yet, however I did just lose my grandmother last year. The best thing for me was talking about her. Seriously. I know most don't want to but I loved getting with the family and telling stories about our time with her. The good and the bad and we just celebrated her life. We acknowledged that we did and would miss her but we knew she would not have wanted us to be upset. Even now I will have something that reminds me of her and I will just take a second to soak it in. Sometimes I will even look upwards and silently ask if she heard the joke I knew she would like, or point out the funny looking clouds, and also send up an I Love you. She is gone but never TRULY gone as long as I remember her.

Prayers for you and your family.

merlinsrealm

12-13-2010, 08:27 AM

Not sure how I would cope but prayers go out to you and your family.

Nalu

12-13-2010, 08:29 AM

My condolences.
Everyone grieves differently.
My father passed on his 82nd B-day. I comforted myself with the fact that he had led a rich full life. I moved my parents to Hawaii as my mom was dying. She passed 3 years before my dad. Mid-life holds these journeys for us I am afraid.
I was also fortunate enough to have spent real quality time with him before he passed. He said things to me the day before he died that he had never said my entire life.
I was fortunate.
Our slate was clean and there were no issues.
This was enormously helpful fo me.

whatevergirl

12-13-2010, 08:30 AM

I'm very sorry for your loss! :(

I lost my dad as a kid. Different life than you have had...losing him when I was young. But, I think because you were so close, have so many memories...the pain might even be worse than mine. There are several levels of grief/mourning that you will go through. I would post them here, but don't want to take up too much of your thread. I encourage you to google the levels of grief...and let yourself feel each level. The problem with pain and suffering is we try to hide it, hoping it will somehow go away. This type of pain has to be felt. Worked through. When you feel like crying...cry. When you feel anger...let that emotion come out, too. Because when we stifle these feelings, they manifest themselves in unhealthy ways, often times. So...this will be a journey for you. You will never be the same after this type of loss. That doesn't mean you can't find positive ways to cope with it, though. I will be praying for you and your family through this.

RATyson

12-13-2010, 08:35 AM

Oh man. I am so sorry to hear this. My condolences and prayers go out to you and your family.

I'm not sure there is going to be any one answer to this, as I'm sure you probably know. We all cope with death in different ways.

My Mom passed away on her 67th birthday in 2009. She had been diagnosed with breast cancer the year before. She went through all of the treatments/surgeries/ etc and was doing really well. We were all expecting a full recovery even though her cancer was very advanced by the time she was diagnosed.

However, that was not to be. In late August of 2009 Mom's cancer came back with a vengeance, and took her before our very eyes. I watched her go from communicating and walking to passing within one week. It was the toughest thing that I have ever had to deal with besides the death of my own son back in 1992.

There is one thing that my Mom always told me; If God brings you to it, he will bring you through it. And that one statement has had a profound effect on my life. It got me through the death of my Son. As did the support of family and friends.

My Mom had a very strong faith, and I can only think of how excited she must have been in those last hours, knowing that she was finally going home. And that gives me peace.

As you have said, your Dad was doing something that he loved at his moment of passing. And now he is in a place of peace. There is nothing wrong with that, only right.

When people leave us, especially our parents, it leaves a hurt behind that is like no other. And only time will ease that pain. But the good thing is; The pain will ease. I still do get sad sometimes when I think about my Mom, but that sadness quickly passes as I think of where she is, and of how she lived and loved.

I can only hope that something I have said here has given you a bit of comfort. And I wish you and your family the best, and pray that your grief will be short.

And remember: If God brings you to it, he will bring you through it!

pharmamarketer

12-13-2010, 08:37 AM

I am sorry to hear that. i have not lost a parent but I can only imagine how sad that must be. I was very close to my grandmother and when she died what got me thru it was remembering all the great times I had with her.

devearoux

12-13-2010, 08:41 AM

Even I lost my dad last year (june) to throat cancer. I can understand what you are going through.

My condolences.

dbx

12-13-2010, 08:43 AM

Have not had to deal with this, yet. However, my father does have heart issues these past few years, and while fully mobile and active, he's been feeling (and looking) more and more weak. But I've been lucky to have mine for 52 years. 64 is so young :(

My sincere condolences. Hopefully, you have family to be with. Keep your head up and stay strong.

ArchAngel'73

12-13-2010, 09:03 AM

My father has passed away at the young age of 56.
Coping is an indivdual thing. IMHO grasp on to whatever higher power you may have and realize he is in a better place than you or we are.
2nd thing I did was to honor him, to be the best son I could be. Remember the things he did well and that were good, toss out the tensions and negativity, they won't serve you well. Forgive him for the wrongs and relish in the rights.
It has been over 4 years since he died. It takes time, it takes work, and the memories never do go away but by remembering him with fondness and love it can reduce the sting and pain.
Take it one day at a time, be there for your family, and I wish you the best in the healing process.

Mark1T

12-13-2010, 09:16 AM

I have not dealt with this, yet. I did experience my Dad having a stroke and several TIAs and it was very hard. Strokes are very cruel.

My most sincere condolences. I hope you and your family find peace.

fitmom43

12-13-2010, 09:17 AM

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. No matter what age they are it is never ever easy to lose a parent. I know there are groups that meet for grief counseling and they do help you get through this time. Grief is an individual process and what may work for one individual may not work for another. I pray that you find the peace and tranquility that you need at this time to help you through this.

discdoggie

12-13-2010, 09:20 AM

I was only 7. Kids bounce back pretty easily. I imagine it would be much harder now.

I am sorry for your loss.

McJimmie

12-13-2010, 09:26 AM

Sorry for your loss Ben.

You can be happy that your father had a full and fit life, and that he died doing something that he loved doing, rather than grew old in a chair, or died from some horrible illness.

You don't mention your mother - is she still around? She will need you to be strong.

You will find little reminders all of the time - or something will happen in your life that would have led you to call your father, and then you will think 'Oh, he's not there'.

If he was a good role model, and you aksed his advice, then try to follow his lead. When you have doubts about something, ask 'what would Dad have done'? for the answer.

The next few days will pass in a whirl as things 'have to be organised' - only then will it hit you.

Try to get yourself out and about in the next few days - to the gym if that is your routine - simply because you can get sucked into doing 'stuff' around the place that can wait.

But, life goes on - and yours will.

Best wishes

Corbi

12-13-2010, 09:34 AM

Haven't had any contact with my biological father but my stepdad died of cancer when I was 23-24 and I took it pretty hard. Impossible to tell anyone how to cope or deal with something the loss of a parent.

Then my mom was killed in an accident when I was 32, had alreayd been down that road before and overall took it well. Can honestly say I miss her everyday but I never cried for some odd reason.

Eventually the hurting does stop but you never stop missing them.

beachguy498

12-13-2010, 09:41 AM

My dad is 93 and still hangin' in with no major health issues and still has 98% of his marbles, but I think he won't make 100. We were never extremely close, probably closer in the past 5 years than ever before. He's in a tough spot mobility-wise and as long as he doesn't break a hip or something he may have a few good years left. I'd have few regrets if he went tomorrow, he had a pretty good life and did a lot of cool things over the years.

I had lost my mom when I was 23 and that was harder than anything I ever went through. She was the glue that held the family together. My dad had since remarried to an extremely difficult person to deal with, so that sprays a "bad" mist over everything.

Just think of the good times and he did go out doing something he liked to do, a whole lot better than to be in a decline and losing dignity as many elders unfortunately do.

BG

Karl_Hungus

12-13-2010, 09:49 AM

I was only 7. Kids bounce back pretty easily. I imagine it would be much harder now.

I am sorry for your loss.

I was 9 when my dad died, and I had an incredibly difficult time dealing with it. I'm not sure there is any way to really make it better ... only time can do that IMO. Sorry for your loss OP.

Old-Time-Lifter

12-13-2010, 10:13 AM

So sorry to hear this, 64 is very young by any standards and had to be a shock.

Just take it a day at a time .

Again sorry to hear this and I'll pray for you and yours in this difficult time.

ljimd

12-13-2010, 10:30 AM

Condolences Ben. Lost my Dad in '96. It's really tough, but you'll make it man. Take all the love you had for him and spread it around to those you have left. He would probably want it that way.

thomashenry

12-13-2010, 10:33 AM

michvolley

12-13-2010, 10:35 AM

I'm so very sorry. My dad is still with me, but I lost my mother 12 years ago to cancer. She was my hero and my best friend, so it was devastating. It was hard, it still is, but the pain turns into happy memories, and you will get to the point where you can think of him and smile, rather than cry. I wish I had better words.

dungeonmistress

12-13-2010, 11:10 AM

First (((hugs))) I am very sorry for your loss. Only time will heal, where you'll be able to think of him and fond memories without the agonizing pain of loss. Realize that his body is gone but he lives forever in your heart.

Husky Bob

12-13-2010, 11:31 AM

sorry for the loss to you and your family...

Neither of my parents have died yet (both in mid-70's), but I'm sure I'll be a puddle on the floor when it happens to each of them.

Bob

Firminator4

12-13-2010, 11:43 AM

I'm very sorry for your loss Ben.

My Dad passed away two years ago on December 23,2008. He was my best friend. I don't know if you ever really get over it - I haven't. I think you just learn to accept it and try to look back on the good times you shared. There are days when I still get tears in my eyes because I miss him and wish he was there to share a special occasion. Then there are other days when I start laughing about him looking down watching me fumble away with a home project.

He could do anything but live forever. I could have never got through his funeral service without my faith in God and my belief that this world is not the end. Just the end as we know it now.

May God get you through these next days which will probably some of the hardest days of your life. Try to be strong and make your Dad proud. Celebrate his life as I am sure he would want you to do. One day at a time you will get through this.

Peace,
Firm

JoelM05

12-13-2010, 12:09 PM

I'm very sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family. :(

x-trainer ben

12-13-2010, 12:22 PM

Thank you so much guys and girls, i am a mess now reading this thread and am trying my best to "get it together." I am thankful for your thoughts and prayers but my GOD this pain is to the core!!

thomashenry

12-13-2010, 12:28 PM

Thank you so much guys and girls, i am a mess now reading this thread and am trying my best to "get it together." I am thankful for your thoughts and prayers but my GOD this pain is to the core!!

I Put up an old post of mine to allow you to see all the warm and wonderful people regardless of anonymity, there are an abundance of very good & decent people in these foruems, inspite of our differences, there are genuine & loving folks here, I will be praying for you & your family

IR45N

12-13-2010, 12:30 PM

First, I AM sorry for your sudden loss. This is too soon for you to feel you need to cope or deal with. No answers here other than often we'll say we'd like to go out doing something we like; well, sounds like your dad did. I guess, give yourself some peace knowing he's at peace and go on as best as you can.

Both my folks went through hopice in Dec-Jan and passed in Feb a few years ago; so we were prepared for it, but this time of year can also bring up some of those less than great moments. But, for the living, there really is no good time for someone to leave.

Thoughts are with you and your family. Remember, relive and hold onto the good memories.

taylor9569

12-13-2010, 12:32 PM

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my Dad 11 years ago, he died on the 15th December 12 days before his 77th birthday.
Everyone deals with things differently. My dad was my hero the person I wanted to be, so I guess I coped by trying to be more like him.
The pain will pass in time my friend.

RATyson

12-13-2010, 12:35 PM

Here is my Mom's favorite Psalm... This is where her favorite saying came from I believe:

I will extol thee, O LORD; for thou hast lifted me up,
and hast not made my foes to rejoice over me.
O LORD my God, I cried unto thee,
and thou hast healed me.

O LORD, thou hast brought up my soul from the grave:
thou hast kept me alive, that I should not go down to the pit.

Sing unto the LORD, O ye saints of his,
and give thanks at the remembrance of his holiness.

For his anger endureth but a moment;
in his favor is life:
weeping may endure for a night,
but joy cometh in the morning.

And in my prosperity I said,
I shall never be moved.

LORD, by thy favor thou hast made my mountain to stand strong:
thou didst hide thy face, and I was troubled.

I cried to thee, O LORD;
and unto the LORD I made supplication.

What profit is there in my blood,
when I go down to the pit?
Shall the dust praise thee?
Shall it declare thy truth?

Hear, O LORD, and have mercy upon me:
LORD, be thou my helper.

Thou hast turned for me my mourning into dancing:
thou hast put off my sackcloth,
and girded me with gladness;

to the end that my glory may sing praise to thee, and not be silent.

O LORD my God, I will give thanks unto thee for ever.

David Wiggins

12-13-2010, 01:02 PM

So sorry for your loss. Prayers out for you.

I lost my dad to congestive heart failure in 1994. He was 53. You never get over it, you just learn to adjust and deal with it. I had time prior to his death to say the things I wanted to. He had been an absentee dad, so our relationship was more as adults.

For a long time I thought about it daily. I sensed him behind me at times. I SMELLED him near me. One day, I picked up the phone to call him and tell him some good news I had. Got half way through the number, then realized it and cried. BUT, then I also realized I was getting better. It was no longer a constant thought.

There are still days when I tear up (like now). Most of the time I try to remember something humerous or crazy he did for a laugh. That is what gets me through it.

His early departure and my kids are why I lift now. I want to see my kids grow up.

SerpentHearted

12-13-2010, 01:17 PM

Very sorry to read this. :(

GuyJin

12-13-2010, 02:02 PM

So yesterday at noon i go to the gym and have a great workout(1 hour of weights/1hr cardio) only to come out and see 4 missed calls and 3 texts. I don't recognize the number and have that sinking feeling. I know what is coming and listen to the messages. Please call, where are, you plz call. My father (64 heart issues) went out jogging and had the heart attack on the track....... he was a track and field lover so it was doing what he loved, but that is no consolation for me.

What helped you all cope with this type of loss? TIA-----------------------------------

My sincere condolences.

I don't know which is worse, having someone suddenly leave or take their time going, as it were.

In my case, my father was diagnosed with cancer when he was seventy, and given four months to live. He made it to almost a year. I don't know what tore me up more: Hearing the oncologist tell us the bad news or watching him slowly wither away. In the end, his passage was a blessing in and of itself. What helped me cope was just being there for my mother and working out and trying to be the man he expected me to me (I was 23 at the time) and the man I expected me to be.

I really have no advice except to say find something that occupies your mind, and remember your father in your heart. If your mother is still around, then offer her comfort. That is all you can do. Just my opinions on this subject and I hope that in time, you will have peace of mind. It took me a long time before I could totally accept my father not being there anymore.

Brackneyc

12-13-2010, 02:08 PM

So sorry to hear this man.

V-240

12-13-2010, 02:24 PM

Grief will hit you at odd times, if it was like my experience. I lost my dad ten years ago at age 70. I remember being in the shower one day and breaking down really badly. WTF? :( But it just happens when it happens. My dad and I were really close.

This year on the tenth anniversary of his passing, I made a slide-show video tribute. I was going to post it here, but I didn't want to hijack your thread. I just posted it in my journal. If you feel like watching it, click the link and scroll down to post #41. So sorry for your loss. I've been there.

http://forum.bodybuilding.com/showthread.php?t=129737123

paolo59

12-13-2010, 02:30 PM

So yesterday at noon i go to the gym and have a great workout(1 hour of weights/1hr cardio) only to come out and see 4 missed calls and 3 texts. I don't recognize the number and have that sinking feeling. I know what is coming and listen to the messages. Please call, where are, you plz call. My father (64 heart issues) went out jogging and had the heart attack on the track....... he was a track and field lover so it was doing what he loved, but that is no consolation for me.

What helped you all cope with this type of loss? TIA

I lost my father on the 8th of May this year. My sincere condolences in your loss. It is not an easy thing in the least. It is a help to simply remember him for who he was all of my life, and what he represented. I was fortunate and blessed to have had the father that I did. He was a blessing while I had him, his memory is still a blessing today.

I think of my mother in completely different terms now than I did when Dad was alive to take care of her. I call her almost daily, and am much more aware of her daily circumstances. I feel that I have grown closer to her, which is a blessing as well. She's been, and is, as much of a jewel as Dad was!

paolo59

12-13-2010, 02:43 PM

Thank you so much guys and girls, i am a mess now reading this thread and am trying my best to "get it together." I am thankful for your thoughts and prayers but my GOD this pain is to the core!!

Truly, I feel for you and your present situation. The pain in your heart can be almost unbearable. While you will have to deal with certain aspects of this loss alone, it's the only way to come to terms and wrap your mind around what has taken place, do make sure that you are surrounded by loved ones and those who care about you. While there's not a lot anyone can ever say, a hug, just the fact that they are there is comfort. Sincere prayers for you in your hurt and loss.

hochspeyer

12-13-2010, 03:18 PM

Condolences to you and your family. My Dad passed away while we were stationed in Germany, and the military only paid for my ticket, so I came back alone. As the only child, there was a ton of loose ends to tie up, of course. I had to extend my leave so that arrangements could be made until we returned to the States.

The emotional part, though... thats tough. I'm not sure how or what I did.

whatevergirl

12-13-2010, 03:26 PM

My sympathies for all who've lost their parents ...holiday time can be hard. Prayers for all who have suffered that loss.

quicksand jesus

12-13-2010, 06:06 PM

mikieson

12-13-2010, 08:59 PM

I coped with my dads death like this....Me and a friend were workingout...I got a call from my mom saying my dad died...I hung up and kept workingout..My friend was like.."umm...you serious?"...."yep"

My dad and mom divorced when I was born. Never came around, never wanted us OR so thats how I took it. His new wife wouldnt let him come around I guess..Went to his funeral and ended up crying at the graveyard..

x-trainer ben

12-14-2010, 07:21 AM

Thanks again everyone so much for the supportive and comforting messages. Today is a lil bit easier than yesterday so time will be the healer. I guess this is my new normal and although i feel countless daily "triggers"(songs, memories) day by day i will get used to this and get stronger. Thanks again

schmack

12-14-2010, 07:37 AM

So sorry for your loss. Prayers to you and your family.

DaddyR

12-14-2010, 10:15 AM

Hope you have time to be with family. The one blessing about my mom's passing on Christmas Eve a few years ago was that the whole family had already been planning on being together that week and we were able to comfort one another and share the burden of funeral preparations. It wasn't easy but it was so comforting to be together.

crupiea

12-14-2010, 12:32 PM

its a tough thing for anyone to deal with. My Dad passed away a couple of years ago and it will get better.

You will just have to go through the process, there isnt any way around it.

I feel for you and am sure that you will keep in im your heart. Thats the best way to honor him.

When I think of my Dad i remember how much fun we used to have playing catch when I was a kid. that was the best time that I ever had in my life.

I felt the worst for my mom. They had been married for 50 years. 50 years. Man thats a long time. My focus was on taking care of her.

Bless you.